


Maelstrom

by merlypops



Series: too many war wounds and not enough wars [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Accidental Kissing, Adolescent Sexuality, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Awkward Crush, Best Friends, Birthday, Birthday Sex, Blow Jobs, Broken Families, Bulimia, Bullying, Cheating, Child Abandonment, Child Neglect, College, Coming In Pants, Coming Out, Daddy Kink, Dancer Luke, Dancing, Death, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Dirty Talk, Dreams and Nightmares, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, Dysfunctional Family, Eating Disorders, Edging, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Porn, Emotional Sex, Eventual Smut, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Drama, Family Issues, Feminization, Fights, Fingerfucking, First Kiss, First Time, Friendship/Love, Frottage, Grinding, Hand Jobs, Hate to Love, Healing, Healing Sex, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Underage Relationship(s), Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Kink Exploration, Kink Negotiation, Light Dom/sub, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mild Gore, Minor Character Death, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Sub, Praise Kink, Quote, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rimming, Secret Relationship, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, Shame, Shameless Smut, Smoking, Smut, Song Lyrics, Subspace, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Symbolism, Teen Angst, Triggers, Undecided Relationship(s), princess kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-02-22 07:33:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 152
Words: 225,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2499731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>'Cause I feel so damn lost,</i><br/><i>And it comes with a cost of being alone.</i><br/><i>Everything is falling down.</i><br/><i>We're suffering, helpless thoughts and,</i><br/><i>Out we sing, prayers go to the sky,</i><br/><i> And if the earth ends up crumbling down to its knees, baby,</i><br/><i>We just gotta get out.</i> </p><p>'Ashton let the fog roll over him as he stopped feeling again, because feeling wasn’t necessary for this. Ashton simply became beating heart and electric nerves and outstretched hands.<br/>It didn’t <i>matter</i> that he was empty inside.’<br/> <br/><b>Ashton is struggling, Luke is hiding, and Michael and Calum just want to make things work. (And maybe Ashton and Luke fall in love too. Maybe.)</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thought Alike

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Unholy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unholy/gifts).



> because Marlon deserves this more than anything and she's my Luke and I love her <3
> 
> I've been listening to "Gotta Get Out" too much lately I think... but whatever! I really hope you guys will enjoy this fic!
> 
> You can follow me on Tumblr here: merlypops.tumblr.com  
> You can follow my Weheartit profile - there are some collections related to my story! - here: http://m.weheartit.com/merlypops  
> You can listen to my Maelstrom playlist on Spotify here: https://open.spotify.com/user/merlypops/playlist/2XX7eyE4qk5yWkoM21mc66

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He just felt shitty because he_ didn’t _feel like crap, almost_ guilty _for not feeling depressed._ '

_**Tell you the truth I hate,** _

_**What didn't kill me,** _

_**It never made me stronger at all.** _

_\- Drunk, Ed Sheeran_

 

Ashton was done with it, honestly.

He’d woken up _without_ the urge to cut for once and, sure, for most people, that’d probably be a _great_ thing but not for him. He just felt shitty because he _didn’t_ feel like crap, almost _guilty_ for not feeling depressed.

Ashton wasn’t stupid – despite what his teachers thought – and he _knew_ it was fucked up.

Unfortunately, that didn’t make a great amount of difference when every negative and positive thought alike was whirling around inside his head like a maelstrom, the positive thoughts bright bolts of lightning in a stormy sky.

Ashton wondered when it would end.


	2. Electric Nerves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The whistle blew and Ashton let the fog roll over him as he stopped feeling again, because feeling wasn’t necessary for this. Ashton simply became beating heart and electric nerves and outstretched hands._  
>  _It didn’t_ matter _that he was empty inside._ '

_**You were told not to take chances,** _

_**You missed out on new dances,** _

_**Now you're losing all your dimples.** _

_\- I've Had Enough, The Who_

 

It was a cool, grey day with a cold breeze.

The football pitch was slippery with mud and dew-wet grass but it was better in a way. It meant that Ashton had to focus more, had to really _concentrate_ on not slipping over and landing on his face in front of everyone which kept his mind occupied.

Ashton stood in the goal, his hands sweaty beneath the gloves. His arms were uncomfortably hot too but he wasn’t exactly going to play just wearing a t-shirt like everybody else was. That might lead to unfortunate questions about the distressing state of Ashton’s scarred arms.

He could hear his best friend yelling something from further across the field, a whistle held between his teeth as he shouted. The **CAPTAIN** emblazoned in white across Calum’s chest stood out against the charcoal grey of the uniform and Ashton allowed himself a moment of pride for his best friend before he started yelling again and Ashton forced himself to focus.

He wouldn’t let himself fuck _football_ up too.

It kind of felt like all he had left now, except for maybe drumming.

The whistle blew and Ashton let the fog roll over him as he stopped feeling again, because feeling wasn’t _necessary_ for this. Ashton simply became beating heart and electric nerves and outstretched hands.

It didn’t _matter_ that he was empty inside.

Maybe that was why Ashton played so much.


	3. Phantom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Despite himself, Ashton’s lips twitched into a faint grin._  
>  _His friends could always make the ache in his chest feel a little less painful_.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's so _sad_. I don't know why I do this to myself... or to you guys... You didn't sign up for this shit, god.  
>  I'm sorry.  
> Enjoy hopefully!

_**Oh will you be the one to save me?** _

_**Fix me up,** _

_**Help me come around,** _

_**I'm falling now.**_

_\- Don't Let Me Go, The Summer Set_

 

It was a slow walk home.

Dried autumn leaves were crackling on the pavement beneath Ashton’s peeling trainers as he walked along between his two best friends. His backpack was heavy enough on his back that Ashton had to hold it in place on his shoulders with both hands and the position was making the fresher cuts on his wrists burn.

“You played so well today, Ash,” Calum said as the three of them walked along beneath the vast blankness of the sky. “Like, _seriously_ , you were in the _zone_ today, I swear. What were you even _thinking_ about to get that focused?”

Ashton’s wrists gave a phantom tingle but, fortunately, he was saved the trouble of answering by Michael finally tearing his gaze away from his twitter feed on his mobile and smirking at Calum as he said: “Did you just say ‘ _in the zone_ ’? You sound like my _mum_ or something.”

Calum got offended and swung his bag at Michael which resulted in _Michael_ getting insulted on his mother’s behalf because: “My mother’s an amazing woman, Hood, and you’d be _lucky_ to be like her! Apologise right now!” and, despite himself, Ashton’s lips twitched into a faint grin.

His friends could always make the ache in his chest feel a little less painful.

Ashton’s smile faded as Calum and Michael continued to swipe playfully at each other.

He wondered why they kept him around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know if you're enjoying it!  
> Thank you :)


	4. Awake Unwillingly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Mum?” Ashton asked but Anne didn’t stir. Ashton swore softly and dug his nails into his thigh through the rough material of his torn skinny jeans as he forced himself to calm down. “Mum, I’m taking your car,” he told her sleeping form but of course she didn’t answer._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ash baby, I'm sorry I'm so mean to you :(

**_All around me are familiar faces,_ **

**_Worn out places, worn out faces,_ **

**_Bright and early for their daily races_ ,**

**_Going nowhere, going nowhere_.**

_\- Mad World, Gary Jules_

 

Michael and Calum’s houses were closer to the school than Ashton’s so, by the time the oldest boy finally made it home, they’d already opened a group chat. From what Ashton had seen as he scanned through it, Calum was going on about some girl who’d given him her number in science and Michael was listing the pros of ‘ _liking dick as well as pussy_ ’, as he’d so crudely put it.

Ashton wrote: ‘ **Mikey stop being gross** ’ but that was the extent of his contribution to the conversation because the front door to his house was opening and Harry was there with tears trickling down his cheeks.

“Why’re you crying, buddy?” Ashton asked with quickly-suppressed panic as he jogged over, his muscles aching from playing football all lunchtime. Ashton was careful to keep his tone and his body language calm since he’d found that that was usually the best way to keep his little brother or sister from getting _more_ distressed when they were upset.

“I cut my knee on the way home from school,” Harry sobbed into Ashton’s neck and the older boy made a small, concerned sound before he put his arm around Harry’s shoulders and led him back into the house.

He’d been about to ask why Harry hadn’t told their mother but the reason for that quickly became apparent when Ashton spied her lying passed out on the sofa.

“Why’s mummy so _tired_ all the time, Ashy?” Harry whimpered as Ashton pushed him gently towards the kitchen table. When he was sure that his little brother wasn’t looking, Ashton carefully swiped the empty wine bottle from the carpet beside the sofa and hid it somewhere that it wouldn’t be spotted by either of the little ones so that he could throw it away later.

“She’s just working too hard, Harry,” Ashton lied which, naturally, led him to worry about the fact that his mum didn't look ready to leave for her night-shift at the supermarket in town in just over two hours. Ashton sighed as he went and retrieved a plaster from the kitchen drawer that would be big enough to cover the graze on his little brother’s knee.

Ashton cleaned Harry’s knee up quickly and pressed a kiss over the plaster once it was in place and, when he looked up, Harry was watching his older brother curiously. There was a small albeit watery smile on his face and his blue eyes were crinkled.

“Thank you, Ashy,” he said sincerely before he pulled a face. “I’ve got homework.”

“Well you go upstairs and do that now then, yeah? And if you need any help, I’ll do my best after dinner tonight, okay?” Harry nodded and disappeared upstairs with his backpack, limping in the sort of over-exaggerated way that let Ashton know Harry would be complaining about the small graze on his knee for a _long_ while yet, and Ashton sighed, heading back into the living room where he crouched down beside his mother and shook her awake unwillingly.

“Where’s Lauren, mum?” Ashton asked quietly as Anne blinked up at him sleepily, her eyes clouded.

“Sleepin’ over at Poppy’s tonight I think…”

“No, mum, that was last week. And besides, it’s a _school_ night. Where’s Lauren?”

“I didn’t collect her,” Anne murmured but her eyes were already sliding closed. Ashton gave her another, slightly harder shake.

“Then how did Harry get home?” he asked in a voice of forced calm as he retrieved his trainers and laced them up again. Lauren must still be waiting at school for someone to collect her.

“He’s home?” Anne asked absently. “Must’ve walked…”

Ashton frowned at that because the kids weren’t supposed to be let out without an adult so he’d need to tell the office about that, if he could think of a way to phrase it that wouldn’t involve the school contacting social services or something.

“Mum?” Ashton asked but Anne didn’t stir. Ashton swore softly and dug his nails into his thigh through the rough material of his torn skinny jeans as he forced himself to calm down. “Mum, I’m taking your car,” he told her sleeping form but of course she didn’t answer.

Swearing again, Ashton retrieved the keys from her handbag and paused at the bottom of the stairs to shout up: “I’m going to go and pick Lauren up, Harry. I’ll only be twenty minutes or so – just stay up there and do your homework, okay? And don’t answer the phone or the front door. I’ll make us some dinner when I get back.”

Ashton waited until he’d heard a muffled: “Okay, Ashy” before he left, slamming the front door behind him a little harder than was necessary.

Ashton drove extra carefully as he headed for Lauren’s school because he hadn’t been able to save up enough money to pay for a driving test yet – and he wasn’t even _thinking_ about the price of insurance and stuff – so Ashton had to be careful he didn’t get stopped.

Harry and Lauren _needed_ him.

And speaking of needing him…

Ashton found Lauren leaning against the school gates with her backpack clutched protectively in front of her as two of the older students loomed over her. She was biting her lip hard, clearly trying not to cry, and Ashton felt himself go cold when he saw her being _literally_ backed into a corner.

He shut the car door loudly and the two kids whirled around, staring at him with an apprehension bordering on wariness as he stalked forwards. He’d barely opened his mouth to say: “What the fuck do you think you’re doing to my little sister?” in an icy voice when they ran away and, quite honestly, it was probably for the best.

Ashton saying something might have made it _worse_ for her.

“You okay, Loz?” he asked cautiously as her shoulders slumped and she leant against him. He took her bag from her and put his arm around her waist as he led her back to their mum’s car.

“Yeah, I guess so,” she sighed shakily. “Where’s mum?”

Ashton didn’t reply but, judging by the knowing look on Lauren’s pale face, his silence was answer enough.

“I’m sorry, Lauren,” Ashton said softly, and he was.

He just wasn’t sure exactly what part of this whole mess he was apologising _for_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please leave kudos and comments to let me know what you thought! Thank you :)


	5. Marionettes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton managed to hold it together while he was with the little ones, but only barely._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ash is such a lovely big brother, it breaks my heart <3

_**I feel a little lost in this world** ,_

_**I try a little noise and choke.**_

_**I've honestly never felt this alone**._

_**Oh, I just need someone.** _

_\- Room To Breathe, You Me At Six_

 

Harry and Lauren were surprisingly subdued all evening and, although it worried Ashton a little, he chose to view it simply as a silver lining because it meant there were no arguments over the pasta he'd cooked them for dinner or when he told them to do their homework and have a cold shower - no bath because Anne hadn't paid the water bill this month and they already owed too much.

Ashton managed to hold it together while he was with the little ones, but only barely. He arranged Harry's dinner into a smiley face and Lauren's into a heart and, even though they both whined that they weren't babies, he could tell they were pleased.

He plaited Lauren's hair for her after she'd washed it and he let Harry wear one of his old t-shirts to bed because they seemed to comfort him.

Ashton had still been upstairs when the front door had slammed shut, indicating that their mother had left without saying goodbye to them, and Ashton's heart ached when he saw Lauren and Harry wilt a little at the sound, like marionettes whose strings were cut.

Ashton thought he knew how they felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why I can't write anything nice is beyond me...  
> I want to update again in a few hours and I'll try to make that update longer.  
> Thank you so much for reading - please remember to leave comments and kudos! :)


	6. The Better Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The slowly-healing cuts on his wrists were itching and Ashton scratched at them absently, his nails catching at the scabs and it_ hurt _but it still wasn't _enough_._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feels feels feels. This is like feels central or something.  
> Is that a thing people say? I'm just gonna shut up now.  
> Hopefully you guys will enjoy this :)

_**The dreams in which I'm dying,**_

_**Are the best I've ever had.** _

_\- Mad World, Gary Jules_

 

Ashton lay in bed silently, staring up at the ceiling with glassy eyes.

It had been a _long_ day.

He'd woken up at half past five to make the little ones their lunch boxes since he hadn't had a chance the day before. He'd walked them both to school and had to run to his own to make it to his first class in time - (and sure, Ashton didn't mind missing school sometimes but he didn't want to miss PE because they trained for football then and Calum would _kill_ him if he didn't turn up) - and his music teacher - one of the only staff members at school who didn't actually dislike him - had let him play the drums during their class in the soundproof room at the back.

The walk home had been fun but, after that, things had turned shit again, just like they _always_ did.

Ashton wondered why that still surprised him.

He sighed softly and rolled over onto his side so that his back was pressed against the wall and he was facing the tiny cupboard room he'd had for as long as he could remember.

The slowly-healing cuts on his wrists were itching and Ashton scratched at them absently, his nails catching at the scabs and it _hurt_ but it still wasn't _enough_.

Ashton's hand crept towards the top drawer of his bedside table almost of its own accord. There was a brown envelope folded up at the back and, although it was dark in the cramped bedroom, his hazel eyes still locked onto the tiny razor blade as he tipped it out onto his shaking palm.

' _Two weeks. I lasted two weeks_ ,' Ashton thought vaguely but there was a familiar tightness building in his chest now and he knew it wouldn't loosen enough for him to breathe normally until he'd released some tension.

The trembling of Ashton's hands stopped when the metal touched his skin and, even as the blood welled up and his heart ached in his chest, no tears fell.

Ashton couldn't remember the last time he'd cried now.

His tears had dried up years ago after he'd sobbed himself to sleep for the better part of a decade. Eventually it had stopped.

He'd realised that the tears weren't helping anyone, least of all himself, and maybe that was when he had started to feel like he was being torn apart.

Ashton wondered when something had broken inside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought with comments and kudos!  
> Is the fic okay so far? :)  
> Also the song "Mad World" by Gary Jules is perfect for this update... Just if you wanted to cry, you know.


	7. Veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton carefully avoided looking at the bloody lines crisscrossing the insides of his wrists as he got changed. He didn't need to be reminded of the helplessness he'd felt the night before because that might destroy the stupor he had fallen into, like sunlight burning through thick fog._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna cuddle ash a lot, okay <3

**_If this is a dream I wonder,_ **

**_Could someone wake me up?_ **

**_(Someone wake me up)_ **

_\- Someone Wake Me Up, The Veronicas_

 

Ashton felt numb when he woke up the next morning, which was exactly what he'd been hoping for.

He sorted out Lauren and Harry's toast with Vegemite, and he even found the time to gulp down a mug of black coffee before it was time to sort out the little ones' lunch boxes for that day.

While Harry and Lauren were eating and chatting quietly about whatever plans they had for school, Ashton got dressed upstairs. He hesitated, glancing at his uniform hanging in the wardrobe before he shrugged and pulled on a hoodie and some grey sweatpants.

He didn't have football or music so he didn't need to go to school today anyway.

Ashton carefully avoided looking at the bloody lines crisscrossing the insides of his wrists as he got changed. He didn't need to be reminded of the helplessness he'd felt the night before because that might destroy the stupor he had fallen into, like sunlight burning through thick fog.

Ashton's head still felt like it was full of cotton wool when he went downstairs to hurry the little ones along. Harry was still complaining about his knee hurting and Lauren was fussing that her hair didn't look right so Ashton took the opportunity to go and check on their mother.

She was passed out on the sofa again, dark bags under her eyes as they flickered faintly beneath the lids. Her dyed blonde hair was scraped back into a ponytail and she was still wearing her work uniform from the day before. Ashton did his best to ignore the empty wine bottle lying on the floor.

He looked at her in silence for several long moments before he hesitated, sighed deeply, and stroked her hair hesitantly before he pulled the blanket draped across the back of the sofa over her.

Ashton didn't blame her for being messed up. At least, not _really_.

First Ashton's dad had left her, and then Lauren and Harry's father Warwick had gone too.

It made a lump rise in Ashton's throat as he looked down at her, taking in her sunken cheeks and the veins spiderwebbing across her face.

"I'm so sorry, mum," Ashton croaked because it _had_ to be his fault.

Everything that ever went wrong was his fault so it stood to reason that this was too. He should have tried harder. He should have done better. Ashton's heart was heavy in his chest as he called shakily for Lauren and Harry to put their shoes on.

All he ever did was fuck things up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've got some Mikey and Cal in the next update to hopefully brighten things up a little - thank you all for reading though!  
> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought - thank you! :)


	8. Waves Rolling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"If it's a problem, I'll just slope around town on my own today or something," Ashton mumbled uncomfortably. He didn't want to get between them. That was the _last_ thing he wanted. "It doesn't _matter_ ," he said, but what he meant was ' _ **I** don't matter_ '._'

_**Nobody thinks what you think, no one.** _

_**Empathy might be on the brink of extinction.** _

_**They will play a game and say,** _

_**They know what you're going through.**_

_\- Kitchen Sink, Twenty One Pilots_

 

Calum and Michael were already waiting outside the park when Ashton showed up, red-cheeked and a little out of breath from having hurried to meet his best friends after he'd dropped the little ones off at their primary school.

Calum sighed when he saw Ashton's distinct lack of uniform and the younger boy bit his bottom lip but seemed to decide not to say anything.

"Sorry I'm late," Ashton panted, doubling over as he clutched at a stitch in his side. His curly hair was a flyaway mess, thanks mainly to the cool breeze that had whipped his hair around his face as he ran, and Ashton's cheeks were red with cold. "I had to drop the kids off."

"Couldn't your mum have done that?" Michael frowned and Ashton just shrugged, swallowing past the lump that had just lodged itself in his throat.

 _'Chance would be a fine thing_.'

Calum finally lost the battle with himself and spoke up, as he had clearly wanted to do all along: "What? No school today, Ashton? _Again_?" Calum didn't sound annoyed, just disappointed. Ashton thought maybe that was worse.

"Just having one of those days, eh, Ash?" Michael said sympathetically and Ashton wrapped his arms around himself but didn't comment, simply shrugging slightly and staying silent.

He knew Calum and Michael weren't stupid. They had to have realised that _something_ was wrong with their best friend but they'd never pressed the topic, aside from the occasional: "Are you _sure_ you're okay?", and Ashton was grateful for that.

"Yeah, I guess so," he said eventually because the pair were both watching him like they were waiting for him to talk.

"You want me to skip first class and get breakfast with you?" Michael suggested as the three began to walk down the road towards their high school. Calum sighed again and Michael bristled, glowering at Calum like an angry kitten. "Stop worrying, Cal! I'll be back in time for second period maths with you, okay? Don't be difficult."

"I'm _not_ being difficult," Calum snapped but his forehead was creased and Ashton could tell he was upset about something.

The older boy frowned, looking between the two of them as they fumed silently. _Something_ was obviously going on there. Usually the two were _inseparable_. They'd always been that way.

"If it's a problem, I'll just slope around town on my own today or something," Ashton mumbled uncomfortably. He didn't want to get between them. That was the _last_ thing he wanted. "It doesn't _matter_ ," he said, but what he meant was ' _ **I** don't matter_ '.

"No, Ash," Michael said immediately, his expression almost _challenging_ as he watched Calum warily. "You're my best friend and I want to get breakfast with you." Michael paused suddenly, biting his lip, before he quietly amended: "Well, _second_ breakfast."

"What are you, a _hobbit_?!" Calum joked weakly and Michael laughed with relief.

Ashton relaxed slightly as the tension between the two slowly receded, like waves rolling back out to sea.


	9. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton knew it was ridiculous to feel so upset about something so small but he couldn’t help but feel that this was just another in a long line of things that he’d fucked up._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a little while (well like 2 days but whatever...) I've been kind of busy but I'm back on track now and I've got a lot more fic planned out.  
> Enjoy!

**_I know I said that I would keep my word,_**

**_I wished that I could save you from the hurt_ ,**

**_But things will never go back to how we were,_**

**_I’m sorry I can’t be your world._**

_\- In Another Life, The Veronicas_

 

Once Calum had left for school, Ashton and Michael headed to one of their favourite cafés, a small place that the three frequently haunted on weekends when Ashton didn’t have to watch the little ones or work and the other two weren’t busy.

Michael got a few disapproving looks for being so far away from his school and, at one point, the pair had to hide in a supermarket for five minutes because there was a police officer walking through town and they didn’t want to get asked any questions. (Ashton had felt a bit smug then because he had _known_ that wearing his school uniform would be a bad idea.)

All in all, it was a fairly eventful walk and, by the time they reached the café, Ashton was pleased to sit down. He hadn’t eaten breakfast that morning or dinner the night before – and it hadn’t even been a _conscious_ thing, it just hadn’t happened – and he was really starting to feel that now.

“What’re you getting to eat?” Michael asked conversationally as the two headed to the back of the line. Ashton chewed on his lip as he considered this, reading the menu board hanging behind the counter.

Ashton did the calculations silently and figured that he could probably spend no more than three dollars if he was going to have enough money to get the food shopping done that week and, besides, he'd taken an extra shift at the garage where he worked at the weekends so he _probably_ had –

“Ashton?” Michael asked and the older boy blinked, his cheeks flaming as he found Michael _and_ the woman behind the counter watching him curiously.

“Oh, uh, just a coffee please,” Ashton stammered as he ran a hand through his curly hair ruefully, his cheeks flaming. He tugged his sleeves down self-consciously when he realised he probably looked stupid and Michael’s expression was almost sympathetic as he completed his own order.

' _No food then_ ,' Ashton thought glumly, and he already felt like an idiot but, when he went to retrieve his battered old wallet and realised that he’d _left it at home_ , his heart sunk in his chest.

It didn’t matter that Michael correctly interpreted the look of panic on the older boy’s face and offered to let Ashton pay him back (because he knew by this point in their friendship that Ashton would _never_ let him pay for it properly because he “ _wasn’t a fucking charity case, Mikey, god_ ”), and Ashton _knew_ it was ridiculous to feel so upset about something so small but he couldn’t help but feel that this was just another in a long _line_ of things that he’d fucked up.

“Can’t even do _this_ right,” Ashton mumbled unhappily and he thought he hadn’t said it out loud until he saw Michael’s startled green eyes flicker over to his face and then away again quickly as he carried their tray over to an empty booth.

“It’s cool, Ash,” Michael promised as he sat down across from Ashton and peered through the glass windows overlooking the bustling street outside. “Don’t even worry about it.”

Ashton sniffed but didn’t comment.

 _'Easy for you to say_.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was okay!  
> We learn some more about Calum and Mikey next time...  
> Please let me know what you thought with comments and kudos!  
> Thank you :)


	10. Hazard A Guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Is this about Calum?” Ashton asked and Michael’s expression went from angry to terrified to defensive to upset in a matter of seconds. Ashton could almost see the conflicted thoughts storming behind Michael’s eyes. “Do you like him?”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mikey, I'm sorry. Jeez I need to stop writing angst.  
> Still... hopefully you'll enjoy this update...

**_Well, this old place here, man it's falling apart_.**

**_She's on the road as she goes, but she won't get far_.**

_\- Zombie, Jamie T_

 

Michael was unusually quiet as he picked at his croissant with pale fingers and Ashton thought he might be able to hazard a guess as to why that was.

“Mikey, are you okay?” Ashton asked softly and, when Michael’s eyes snapped up to look at the older boy, Ashton realised he was barking up the right tree.

“Yes, I’m _fine_ ,” Michael said and there was something snappish in his tone that put Ashton on edge. “Really, I feel like _I_ should be asking _you_. You look like a damn _zombie_ , Ash – um… no offence intended – but honestly, when was the last time you _slept_?”

“You’re deflecting,” Ashton said, pausing to sip his hot coffee. His hands were shaking a tiny bit and he prayed that his best friend wouldn’t notice. “Really badly too, I might add. Tell me what’s wrong?” It sounded like a question.

Michael’s shoulders slumped.

“Is this about Calum?” Ashton asked and Michael’s expression went from angry to terrified to defensive to upset in a matter of seconds. Ashton could almost _see_ the conflicted thoughts storming behind Michael’s eyes. “Do you like him?”

Ashton didn’t think Michael was going to answer but, after a long moment during which the only sound was the low hubbub of the other customers in the café, Michael nodded faintly, his face white.

“What happened?” Ashton asked, fighting to keep his expression blank as he watched Michael carefully, his thoughts racing a mile a minute, because this was _way_ more than just a realisation of feelings. Ashton had _felt_ the tension earlier, so thick he could almost taste it.

As far as Ashton knew, while Michael was openly bisexual, Calum was one hundred percent straight so Ashton didn’t see how this could end _well_. He felt sorry for Michael though. Ashton knew it must suck having to hide feelings for your best friend like that – and really, Ashton had been hiding the fact that he was gay for as long as he’d known them so he figured he probably understood the emotional turmoil Michael had to be going through better than most.

(And really, Ashton didn’t know _why_ he hid it. He knew they’d understand but he figured that it was just something else that made him different – ‘ _Abnormal_ ,’ a tiny voice in his head whispered venomously, even though Ashton knew logically that that was stupid – so he kept silent, even if it _was_ only adding to the things that were tearing him apart inside.)

“We… There was a party,” Michael began slowly and it took Ashton a moment to remember that he’d asked the younger boy a question. “I… I got drunk. Like, _really_ drunk… and…” Michael faltered and drew in a shaky breath before he looked up at Ashton, his green eyes wide and watery in his pale face. “I told him I loved him.”

Ashton didn’t know what to say to that but the small: “ _Oh_ ” that escaped him seemed enormously insignificant somehow. Michael looked like he was going to cry as he tore what remained of his croissant apart, shredding it between fingers calloused from years of playing the guitar.

Ashton drew in a shaky breath as the knot tightened in his chest. “I’m sorry,” he managed breathlessly, gripping the cooling coffee mug tightly as he chose to look down at the dregs instead of up into Michael’s anguished face. Ashton wondered why he couldn’t do anything _ever_ without fucking it up somehow and hurting the people he cared about.

“What are _you_ apologising for?” Michael asked bluntly and, even though Ashton knew rationally that Michael was only being short with him because he was upset, he still shrank down a little as he dropped his hands into his lap and pressed his fingertips hard into the cuts lining the inside of his wrist.

“How do you know nothing could ever come of it?” Ashton asked instead because Michael sounded so _sure_ and his head felt clearer now that there was a familiar dull pain radiating through his arm.

“We talked about it… after,” Michael replied after a long moment, his voice shaky. “And…” Ashton was kind enough to pretend not to notice when he saw a tear run down Michael’s cheek. “I think the worst part was… Cal said we could _try_ but… but I said no… because… I know it wouldn’t… it wouldn’t be fair. On… on _either_ of us…”

Ashton really wanted to hug Michael in that moment – and then go and hug Calum too because that couldn’t have been an easy situation to be put in and both of his best friends were lovely and deserved the _world_ – but Ashton resisted because Michael’s hands had balled into fists and he was rising from behind the table.

“I’m sorry, Ash,” he said mechanically as he wiped his hands on a napkin and dropped it onto the tray too before he carried it back over to the counter with a strained smile. When he returned, the older boy was simply sitting staring down at his interlocked hands and the low sound of Michael clearing his throat startled Ashton.

“I’m too tired to hang out now,” Michael said, which Ashton _knew_ roughly translated to: ‘ _You’ve upset me too much. I’m going back to school_.’

Ashton suppressed the apology that he so badly wanted to say because he knew it would only annoy Michael _more_ and, when the younger boy gave a half-hearted wave and mumbled something about seeing Ashton the next day before he half- _ran_ out of the café, Ashton dropped his head into his hands and stayed sitting that way for a long, long time.

Why couldn’t thing ever be _easy_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you enjoyed this update with comments and kudos - thank you!  
> Also, Luke should be making a brief appearance next if everything goes to plan! :)


	11. Sea Spray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The stranger turned to look at Ashton sharply and he took in ocean-blue eyes and _ridiculously_ quiffed blond hair and high cheekbones and what looked like a fucking _lip-ring_ and Ashton didn’t know why the stranger’s pretty face made him so… so _angry_ , he really didn’t, but the fact that it _did_ was shocking to him because… because for this random _kid_ to make him _feel_ now was… _beyond_ absurd – and really, did he just think _pretty_?_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally Luke wasn't going to have any dialogue in this chapter but things... happened...  
> Enjoy...

_**Stranger in this lonely town,** _

_**Save me from my emptiness.** _

_\- This Love, The Veronicas_

 

It took Ashton over an hour of wandering around the town, too buzzed from the coffee to sit still, before he decided to walk to the pier. He figured maybe he just needed some fresh air and a chance to clear his head. Ashton had tried everything else after all so he didn’t think it could hurt to _try_.

He just needed to be alone for a while.

With hindsight, Ashton thought that maybe _that_ was the reason he was in such a foul mood when he finally finished the forty minute walk to the old, broken pier and found someone already sitting there.

All Ashton saw was a seemingly-small figure sitting with their legs dangling over the edge as the waves lapped gently at the pebbly beach a few feet below. He saw the school uniform of the expensive private school on the outskirts of town and a leather satchel lying abandoned near the boy that hinted at money, and Ashton felt his lip curl because it must be _nice_ to have a bag that wasn’t falling apart and, honestly, today had been _shit_ and he’d already fucked up incredibly badly so why not mess up just a little bit more?

“Haven’t seen you here before,” Ashton said before he could stop himself, his voice a little colder than he was used to. His insides felt all shaken up, like he’d fallen apart and just stuck himself back together again, except maybe everything wasn’t in the right place. “Why aren’t you at school?”

The stranger turned to look at Ashton sharply and he took in ocean-blue eyes and _ridiculously_ quiffed blond hair and high cheekbones and what looked like a fucking _lip-ring_ and Ashton didn’t know why the stranger’s pretty face made him so… so _angry_ , he really didn’t, but the fact that it _did_ was shocking to him because… because for this random _kid_ to make him _feel_ now was… was just _beyond_ absurd – and really, did he just think _pretty_?

This was bad. This was _really_ fucking bad.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do,” the boy said as he rose uncertainly and, _wow,_ okay, Ashton had _not_ been expecting him to be a good head taller than the older boy was. “And besides, shouldn't _you_ be at school?" The boy looked him up and done with a sneer that seemed forced somehow. "Or are you on, like, community service or something?”

Ashton kind of wanted to laugh, or maybe punch the boy, but he wasn’t sure so he did neither.

He felt _weird_ and his head was reeling because he wasn’t _used_ to this, damnit, and the rush of emotions thundering through him was crushing.

The boy was staring at him, his expression a little challenging but mostly confused, and Ashton sagged as whatever fire that had bloomed within him sputtered out like burning embers in the rain.

“Hey, uh… you okay?” the stranger asked and Ashton realised he was sitting down on the long-standing wood, the sleeves of his hoodie pulled down over his hands as the sea spray dampened his sweatpants.

“Not really,” Ashton said honestly because he didn’t know who this kid was and he doubted he’d ever see them again. Ashton ignored the peculiar feeling he got in his stomach, writing it off as hunger. “Why? Are you?”

“No,” the boy said but he was looking into Ashton’s exhausted face with the sort of empathy that made all the difference in the world. He didn’t ask Ashton why he wasn’t okay or what was wrong with him. He just sat down beside him, far enough away that they weren’t touching but close enough that Ashton could still feel the heat radiating through him, and the boy gave him an awkward, shy smile when Ashton seemed content to simply look at him.

“I’m Luke,” the boy stammered and he extended his hand hesitantly. Ashton saw that it was trembling. “What’s your name?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this okay?  
> Please let me know with comments and kudos!  
> Thank you!


	12. Nothing Softer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton kind of hated Luke for making him feel again._  
>  _Everything was too loud, too clear. There was too much clarity and it was overwhelming, a flurry of thoughts and light and emotions that made Ashton’s head spin._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a little while but I've planned out the rest of the story too and I'm working on a playlist so stay tuned!  
> Enjoy!

**_And I've always lived like this,_ **

**_Keeping a comforting distance._ **

_\- The Only Exception, Paramore_

 

It was cold and grey on the beach.

The waves were crashing against the pebbles and dragging them back out into the sea, and Ashton was freezing. His hazel eyes were glassy, his thoughts faraway, and everything felt icy except for the hand that had shaken the stranger’s – _Luke’s_ – because that felt _too_ warm, like it was burning almost, and it made Ashton more frightened than he could say.

He kind of hated Luke for making him _feel_ again.

Everything was too _loud_ , too _clear_. There was too much clarity and it was overwhelming, a flurry of thoughts and light and emotions that made Ashton’s head spin.

Ashton wasn’t sure this was preferable to feeling empty because now he could taste the sea salt on the air and feel the stinging of his wrists and the ache in his chest was heavier than ever but it was more _painful_ too, and suddenly Ashton’s hands were shaking and he had an almost overwhelming urge to fix everything that he’d fucked up, and even if Ashton wasn’t quite sure how to go about that, there was _something_ that he could do now.

Ashton dug his cheap mobile phone out of his pocket and opened the messenger app with a feverish look in his eyes. He _had_ to make this right.

**[To MIKE] Sent at 13:22**

**i’m really sorry about earlier mikey. u can’t help feelin that way about cal and it’s nothing 2 b ashamed of. i won’t bring it up again but if u ever want 2 talk about it (or anything else 4 that matter) then u no where i am. ily m8 x**

It didn’t really feel adequate and there was _so_ much more that Ashton felt like he needed to say to Michael but he hoped that that would be enough for now and, sure enough, he got a reply a few minutes later.

**[From MIKE] Received at 13:27**

**I’m sorry if I made you feel bad mate. It’s not your fault and I overreacted. Thank you though – I owe you and I’d do the same for you. Hope you feel okay soon ash :) ily2 x**

Ashton panicked a little bit at that because what did Michael _mean_ about hoping the older boy felt ‘ _okay soon_ ’? Ashton chewed on his lip anxiously then because he hadn’t thought that they’d realised that he _wasn’t_ okay.

Ashton lingered on the beach for such a long time after that that he had to run to be there in time to pick Harry and Lauren up from school.

The warmth in his chest that had blossomed when he’d met Luke – and it was _anger_ , okay, and nothing softer that might leave Ashton feeling _vulnerable_ – slowly sputtered out and, by the time Ashton had reached the school gates with a tight knot in his chest again, he felt just as empty as he always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this update!  
> Please let me know what you thought - comments and kudos are always appreciated :)  
> Thank you!


	13. Shell-Shocked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“You don’t get to tell me what to do,” Ashton told her in a quiet, shaky voice and it took him a moment to realise why those words were familiar._  
>  _“I do get to tell you what to do! I’m your mother!” she argued, her voice rising. Ashton’s hands balled into fists and he could feel tears prickling his eyes as he fought for breath._  
>  _“Then why don’t you act like one?!” he shouted._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh...  
> Enjoy (hopefully)...

_**The wasted years, the wasted youth,** _

_**The pretty lies, the ugly truth.** _

_\- Teen Idle, Marina & The Diamonds_

 

Anne was awake when Ashton led Lauren and Harry in that afternoon and she _stayed_ awake, sitting on the sofa watching television with a glass of wine clutched tightly in one hand while Ashton made dinner for the little ones, got them started on their homework, and then sent them upstairs for baths before bed.

He could hear Lauren singing to herself in her bedroom as she got into her pyjamas and Harry could be seen sitting in the little cupboard room beside Ashton’s, already dressed in a second-hand onesie as he played with one of his wooden car toys.

Ashton leant against the wall for a moment, regarding them with a fondness he only ever felt for them (and occasionally Calum and Michael when they weren’t being idiots). Ashton gave Harry a reassuring smile that _almost_ reached his eyes when the little boy looked up and, with a silent gesture to indicate that he would be just downstairs if Harry needed him, Ashton pushed away from the wall and headed back down to the living room.

Anne didn’t look up at him when he hovered in the doorway and Ashton sighed softly. It was with a heavy heart that he started to slope through to the kitchen to wash the dinner plates, only to be stopped in his tracks when Anne cleared her throat to get his attention.

“You weren’t at school today,” she said and he cringed when he realised that she must have noticed his lack of uniform. He looked over at her unwillingly, his expression almost _baleful_ , and he saw that her usually bleary eyes were bright with anger. “What the hell do you think you’re _playing_ at, Ashton?! I’ve had the school on the phone to me today and they’re saying that you’ve missed _weeks_ of school and, _damnit_ , Ashton, I thought you were less irresponsible than that –”

Ashton scoffed then before he could stop himself and Anne’s eyes flashed indignantly.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do,” Ashton told her in a quiet, shaky voice and it took him a moment to realise why those words were familiar.

“I _do_ get to tell you what to do! I’m your _mother_!” she argued, her voice rising. Ashton’s hands balled into fists and he could feel tears prickling his eyes as he fought for breath.

“Then why don’t you _act_ like one?!” he shouted and he heard a sudden quiet upstairs as Lauren and Harry fell silent to listen. Anne gasped, reeling back like he’d slapped her, and Ashton’s anger and desperation and panic burnt through him, and he could _feel_ again, and he hated it.

“What…? I…” Anne slumped a little, like all of the air had gone out of her, and Ashton watched her silently, his hazel eyes too bright and his cheeks flaming. “How can you _say_ that? I… I’m your _mum_ …”

“You’re drinking yourself to death,” Ashton said bluntly, fighting to keep his emotions off his face. “That’s what you _are_. And if you keep this up, Harry and Lauren won’t have a mum anymore… And they _deserve_ a mum.”

“What about you?” Anne asked quietly, her eyes locked on her older son’s face for a few moments. “What do _you_ deserve?”

“Nothing,” Ashton said honestly and, when she opened her mouth – perhaps to disagree, maybe just to tell him that she was leaving for work in a few minutes – he continued hurriedly. “You need to stop drinking. You’re drinking too much.”

Anne fired up immediately. “I am _not_! You’re just a _child_ – I don’t have to listen to you! Look, just get out of the way, Ashton. I need to go to work and – Stop looking at me like that! I’m _fine_ how I am and the sooner you –”

“This damn alcohol is going to end up _killing_ you, mum!” Ashton shouted and, when Anne simply responded with a shaky: “ _I don’t care anymore_!”, Ashton sat down heavily on the sofa and dropped his head into his hands.

He heard her leave, slamming the door behind her and, after several long moments, he rose slowly, still shell-shocked, and headed upstairs to make sure Lauren and Harry were okay.

Their bedroom doors were already shut and, when Ashton opened them to peer inside, he was greeted on both occasions with two small, obviously-crying children who were trying to pretend that they were asleep.

Ashton let their doors click shut softly and, with a barely-suppressed sob, he went back downstairs and finished the washing up.

Ashton wondered why he wrecked everything he touched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was mean and I'm sorry.  
> Please let me know what you thought though.  
> Thank you.


	14. Over The Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“It’s alright, Ash,” Calum whispered and Ashton wondered if the pain in his eyes was as obvious as he thought it was. “It’s okay to cry.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me very sad to write.  
> I love Calum too much. <3

_**'Cause you know I can't do this on my own.** _

_**Who will fix me now?** _

_\- Drown, Bring Me The Horizon_

 

Calum’s text half an hour later was the lifeline Ashton had been searching for.

**[From CAL] Received at 21:18**

**hey bud – just had some pizza with some of the football guys. sucks that you werent there but i couldn’t tell you because you werent at school today... i brought leftovers though – is it okay if i stop by? i’m sorry we kind of argued earlier. luv ya. cal**

Ashton sat up from his curled position on the sofa when his phone went off and the way his head was spinning scared him as he staggered across the room to retrieve his phone. He knew logically that he only felt dizzy because he was short of breath, and that _that_ was just because he was on the brink of a panic attack, but that didn’t make Ashton feel any better.

He replied with a quick: ‘ **yes please hurry up** ’ which probably didn’t sound that casual but Ashton _needed_ a distraction or he was going to topple over the edge and probably hyperventilate which wouldn’t exactly allow him to look after the little ones properly.

Calum knocked on the door five minutes later and Ashton almost fell in his haste to get the front door open.

Calum’s slightly nervous smile slipped from his face when he took in Ashton’s flushed cheeks and frantic eyes as he clutched at his chest when the breath caught in his throat.

“Ash, buddy, what is this?” Calum asked with a voice of forced calm as he set the pizza box he’d been carrying on a side table in the hallway and shut the front door behind him. Ashton locked the door, leaning against it for a moment as he tried to catch his breath, and it was only Calum’s gentle hands guiding him into the living room so that he could sit on the sofa that kept him upright.

“ _Just… a… panic… attack_ ,” Ashton gasped out and he hated the words. They tasted bitter on his tongue and he was _ashamed_ because Calum was so _well-rounded_ , at least in Ashton’s eyes, and he probably thought the older boy was pathetic. “ _Happens… all… the… time_ ,” Ashton added in an attempt to reassure Calum because he suddenly looked very worried.

“How long has this been going on for?” Calum asked before he suddenly shook his head, looking angry at himself. Ashton was secretly pleased because he didn’t think that ‘ _the better part of ten years_ ’ would go down that well with him. “I’m sorry, Ash,” Calum apologised immediately, giving Ashton’s hand a hesitant squeeze and sighing with relief when the older boy curled up beside him under his arm. “Look, just… just copy my breathing, okay? Really slowly like this…”

Ashton tried to do as Calum asked and, although it took more than ten minutes of quiet, during which the only sounds were Calum’s steady inhales and exhales, and Ashton’s gasping breaths, slowly the older boy started to relax again as the adrenaline bled out of his system.

Calum rubbed his back gently in wide circles and, somehow, that one simple gesture distressed Ashton more than anything else had that day.

He felt his breath catch in his throat again and, although Calum looked alarmed at first, it was for a different reason this time and that soon showed when the younger boy’s chocolate brown eyes cleared.

“It’s alright, Ash,” Calum whispered and Ashton wondered if the pain in his eyes was as obvious as he thought it was. “It’s okay to cry.”

Calum’s words repeated themselves in Ashton’s head over and over again, like a mantra almost, until it was all that he could hear.

‘ _It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to cry._ ’

And, for the first time in _years_ , Ashton started to believe him.

The tears boiled over slowly at first, hot and shameful as they trickled down his flushed cheeks but, before long, they were coursing freely and his body was shaking with sobs as Calum held him tightly, rocking him back and forth like Ashton did to Harry and Lauren if they had a nightmare.

Crying again felt cleansing somehow but there was still a lot of grime buried far too deep to be washed away by tears now and the ache in Ashton’s chest remained, even as Calum pressed a watery kiss to his forehead and tried not to cry too… even if he _didn’t_ understand.

"I love you, Ash," Calum promised thickly and Ashton clung to Calum like a frightened child, aware that he didn't deserve the affection but craving it nonetheless because someone was giving it _freely_ and that simply didn't _happen_ to Ashton. His thoughts were a whirlwind of confusion as he gasped out that he loved Calum back and the shame he felt when another sob tore through him made his cheeks flame.

But, despite it all, Ashton was glad Calum was there.

He didn't want to be alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am having feels oh dear.  
> Please let me know what you thought though!  
> Thank you for reading <3


	15. Deserted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton left before Calum could say anything else and, although the older boy felt a little bit bad for abandoning one of his best friends in a deserted corridor, he still thought it was preferable to lying to Calum and telling him that he was fine again._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, there's not too much Mikey in this chapter but he'll be in it more soon...  
> Enjoy!

**_Went to school and I was very nervous,_ **

**_No one knew me, no one knew me._ **

**_Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson,_ **

**_Look right through me, look right through me._ **

_\- Mad World, Gary Jules_

 

Calum didn’t bring up the night before at school the next day and Ashton was grateful for that.

The _last_ thing he wanted was to be babied and that was something he knew a lot of people didn’t realise about Calum, the football captain – that he was a _total_ mother hen and Ashton thought it was actually incredibly sweet, at least when it wasn’t directed at him.

“Football training fourth period, Ash, yeah?” Calum reminded him as Ashton took his battered old biology textbook out of his locker for second period with Michael.

“Yep, but I'll see you at lunch before then,” Ashton said, waving half-heartedly and then tugging the sleeve of his grey school jumper down as subtly as he could when it slipped back a little. Ashton’s curls were tied back with a black bandana and he knew there were bags under his eyes as he suppressed a yawn.

“I’ve got music now though, Cal,” Ashton said when Calum lingered for a moment, his dark eyes concerned. “Gotta run.”

Ashton left before Calum could say anything else and, although the older boy felt a little bit bad for abandoning one of his best friends in a deserted corridor, he still thought it was preferable to _lying_ to Calum and telling him that he was fine again, as he had already had to do that morning by the park while they waited for Michael.

Ashton let himself into his usual music classroom since he was a couple of minutes late and Mrs. McKay beckoned him over, as she sometimes did when she had news to share with him.

“You’re late, Mr. Irwin,” the old woman said reprovingly but there was a hint of a smile curling her lips. “However, I am prepared to overlook that if you’ve brought back my copy of ‘ _Best Drummers That Ever Lived_ ’?” Ashton nodded and dug it out of his backpack, and she smiled. “Good. If you finish the work in time today, you can have another practice on the drum kit if you like.”

“Thank you, miss,” he said, smiling wide enough that his dimples showed, and she cooed a little bit, just like she always did as she told him that he reminded her of her grandson Barry.

Ashton always had to suppress a smile then which was unusual in itself but he didn’t let it get to him.

Music made him feel alive like he never did anywhere else, except perhaps on the football pitch, and Ashton liked the feeling of life thrumming through him again, even if it _was_ only for an hour long lesson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this is okay.  
> I know nothing too much happened but it was kind of filler as some Stuff (with a capital S) is happening fairly soon... and it may or may not involve a tall blond boy with pretty eyes...  
> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> Thank you!


	16. Let Him Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Calum, what the fuck?” Ashton asked defensively and, sure, he probably could have dealt with that better but what was Calum doing? He seemed to have completely forgotten the whole ‘We-don’t-talk-about-it-even-when-Ash-is-literally-crying’ rule and it was making his chest feel tight._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeeeeeeeels. This was meant to be a nice fluffy chapter and I fucked it up. Sorry guys.

**_Am I more than you bargained for yet?_ **

**_I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear._ **

_\- Sugar We're Going Down, Fall Out Boy_

 

Ashton walked home more slowly after school that day.

His backpack was dangling from one shoulder and his bandana had slipped so that his curls were tousled by a light breeze. There was a smudge of mud smeared on his cheek from playing football and his hands were shaking a little bit with adrenaline as he walked home between Calum and Michael, and Ashton frowned when he saw that the former was watching him curiously.

“You don’t need to go and pick Harry and Lauren up today?” Calum asked nonchalantly as the three walked along. Ashton’s step faltered for a moment and he frowned at Calum. Michael was doing the same thing because there was something a little _off_ about the youngest boy’s tone and it put Ashton on edge.

“No,” Ashton answered slowly, carefully. “They’re staying with nan and grandpa tonight so they’re picking them up.” When Michael made a puzzled sound, Ashton elaborated. “I’ve got an extra shift at the garage tonight. Could do with some extra cash.”

Lauren’s birthday was coming up in just over three weeks and Ashton wanted to earn some extra money so that he could continue saving for that, as well as for the college funds he’d started for her and Harry.

“Oh,” Calum said slowly and he bit his bottom lip thoughtfully as they neared his and Michael’s road. And then: “Is your mum working tonight too?”

“Calum, what the fuck?” Ashton asked defensively and, sure, he probably could have dealt with that better but what was Calum _doing_? He seemed to have completely forgotten the whole ‘ _We-don’t-talk-about-it-even-when-Ashton-is-literally-crying_ ’ rule and it was making his chest feel tight.

“Cal, he’s right,” Michael said and there was a faint edge to his voice that took Ashton a moment to identify as unease. “What’s with the twenty questions?”

“I’m just _worried_ , okay?” Calum blurted suddenly and Ashton took back every good thing he’d thought about Calum then because he was interfering and Michael was going to start asking questions too and Ashton couldn’t _stand_ that. “Look, you were _really_ upset last night and I’m just scared that you’re –”

“You were upset last night, Ash?” Michael asked, his green eyes shining with concern. “Why? What happened?”

And, yeah, maybe it _was_ childish but that didn’t stop Ashton from bolting then.

He knew their legs were longer than his, knew that they’d catch up with him in _seconds_ if they had half a mind to.

Ashton risked a glance over his shoulder as he slowed down to turn a corner and there was a bitter taste in his mouth when he saw the pair of them still standing exactly where he’d left them, both with shocked expressions on their faces as Ashton spun around and carried on running, running, running.

The pavement flew by beneath his feet and Ashton was doing his best to ignore the faint disappointment he felt mingling with his relief.

They let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of excited to write the next chapter and I don't know why...


	17. At All Costs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“He doesn’t want to lose you. You’re his best friend, Michael,” Ashton said softly, trying to keep the trembling out of his voice. He wasn’t sure he’d done that good a job of it though._  
>  _“You’re our best friend too, Ash,” Michael said softly._  
>  _Ashton closed his hazel eyes for a moment, fighting to keep his tears from spilling._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEEEEEELS!!!! Damn these damn feels... uh... damn....  
> Basically I wanted some Mashton bromance as well as Cashton so this scene kind of happened and I was worried I was forgetting about the Malum so, now that that's been mentioned again, I can focus on the Lashton....  
> I hope you're enjoying this!

_**I can't take one more moment of this silence.** _

_**The loneliness is haunting me,** _

_**And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up.** _

_\- Drown, Bring Me The Horizon_

 

Ashton had two text messages and five missed calls on his phone when he got in and he was half-tempted not to read the texts but the house was empty and silent – Anne was nowhere to be seen and Ashton was _pleased_ for once, instead of worried – and Ashton didn’t need to leave for his shift at the garage for another hour so he had free time which, usually, was something the curly-haired boy avoided at all costs.

In the end, Ashton gave way to temptation – as he _always_ did – and opened the first message.

**[From CAL] Received at 15:37**

**hey bud. i… i’m really sorry. i dunno, i’ve been in a shitty mood today and it isnt your fault and that’s no excuse and i just took it out on you which… which really sucks. i’m sorry ash. i’m just worried about you. please let me or mikey know that you’re okay. luv ya ash :***

Ashton clicked the second message open.

**[From MIKE] Received at 15:44**

**Ashton mate, I’m sorry if we upset you. Cal explained about yesterday and he just said you were stressed about school** (– Ashton silently thanked Calum and took back the bad things he’d thought on the way home –) **and I just want you to know that I’m not gonna bring it up again if it upsets you… same as you said for me, right? Ash, please let us know you’re okay. Don’t be sad. ily x**

In the end, Ashton typed out two fairly generic messages which roughly equated to: ‘ **I’m fine. Sorry. It was a long day. I’m okay now. Don’t worry** ’ before he put his mobile down on the arm of the chair, heading upstairs to get changed into his sweatpants and hoodie again, since he would change into his overalls at work.

Ashton ate some vegemite on crackers for dinner since the cupboards were pretty much empty now – he _really_ needed to go food shopping once he found a time that his mum wouldn’t need her car for a few hours – and, by the time he’d returned to his mobile phone in the living room about half an hour later, his phone screen was lit up with a call from Michael.

Ashton hit the answer button warily and took a deep breath.

“Hey, Mikey,” he said slowly. He heard Michael sigh with relief on the other end of the line.

“Hey, Ash, uh… I’m… I’m glad you’re okay now. Um, _are_ you okay now? I… I hope so…”

“I’m okay, Mike,” Ashton said quietly and Michael released another shaky breath. Ashton frowned. “Something’s obviously bothering you,” the older boy stated, a little more calmly now that the attention wasn’t on him, and he took Michael’s small whimper as proof. “Just… just tell me what’s bothering you, okay? I’ll… I won’t talk. I’ll just listen…”

“Okay,” Michael breathed as Ashton sat down heavily on the sofa, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger as the stress he was feeling weighed heavily on his chest.

“Um…” Michael began hesitantly, the frown clear in his tone. His voice trailed away and, after a gentle prompt of “ _Mikey_ ” from Ashton, the younger boy tried again. “Uh, I just got home and Calum rang me and… and like, he said he’s been in such a weird mood lately because… you know… because of that _thing_ I told you about and… He just suggested us getting a coffee this evening and… and talking ‘ _because things can’t go on like this, Mikey_ ’.”

Michael paused for breath then and Ashton could almost _see_ the speech marks he had made as he relayed what Calum had said.

“Ash, I’m… _scared_.”

Ashton’s eyes widened at that because Michael _never_ admitted he was scared, not even that one time where Calum and Ashton had made him watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Michael had been so frightened that he hadn’t been able to sleep properly for well over a month. Not even _then_.

“Ashton, what if Calum says he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?” Michael whispered and Ashton knew they’d got to the root of the problem now. “What if he doesn’t want me _at all_? Like, not even as a best friend?”

Ashton felt a pang at that but he brushed it away, aware that Michael’s problems were more important than his own petty worries. ‘ _Like water off a duck’s back_.’

“Mike, you don’t need to worry,” Ashton promised, speaking in a tone that sounded a lot more confident than he felt. “Like… Calum _loves_ you. Maybe… maybe not like _that_ but…” Ashton’s heart broke when he heard a small sniff over the phone. “Michael, _don’t_ ,” Ashton pleaded. “Just… just go out tonight and _talk to him about this_ … because it won’t do you any good at all to keep all of these emotions bottled up inside. It’ll just make you feel like _shit_.”

‘ _Believe me, I’ve tried_.’

“I’m sorry, Ash,” Michael mumbled and he sounded resigned now. Ashton spoke up once more.

“He doesn’t want to lose you. You’re his _best friend_ , Michael,” Ashton said softly, trying to keep the trembling out of his voice. He wasn’t sure he’d done that good a job of it though.

“You’re our best friend too, Ash,” Michael said softly.

Ashton closed his hazel eyes for a moment, fighting to keep his tears from spilling.

“I’ve gotta go to work now, Mikey,” Ashton lied then and, although he knew Michael didn’t _really_ believe him, the younger boy accepted it with surprising grace anyway.

“Okay,” he said in a tone that was surprisingly soothing for someone who had been trying not to cry just a few minutes before. “Take care, Ash, okay? I love you.”

Ashton sighed softly and closed his eyes again, choosing to ignore the ‘ _take care_ ’ part of the statement. “I love you too, Mikey,” Ashton promised and that, at least, was true.

“Later will be fine,” Ashton added when Michael hesitated to hang up and he could hear the wry smile in the younger boy’s voice when he said: “You know me too well, Ash. I’ll talk to you later, yeah? Let you know how it goes…”

Ashton said his goodbyes and slid his mobile phone into his pocket with shaky hands as he stood up slowly, the knot tight in his chest again.

Ashton went upstairs to look for his razor blade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this update - I know it's a bit longer than some of the others so hopefully that was okay.  
> Please let me know what you thought - comments/kudos are always appreciated!  
> Thanking you :P  
> P.S... There may or may not be some more Luke coming up again soon...


	18. And Rightly So

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _It was a clear night and the stars were twinkling through the branches as Ashton walked along in the dark beneath the trees. He heard a rustle as a bird settled down in its nest for the night and a faint smile touched Ashton’s lips as he remembered childhood sleepovers with Michael and Calum, and the way the mischievous green-eyed boy would always manage to convince Calum that his terrifying ‘drop bears’ were real, or something equally stupid._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really liked writing this chapter, even though it was really short.  
> Also, it's okay Calum, I thought drop bears were real once as well so it's okay. (I am still embarrassed about that don't look at me...)  
> Hopefully this is okay :)

**_I know where you stand,_ **

**_Silent in the trees,_ **

**_And that's where I am,_ **

**_Silent in the trees._ **

**_Why won't you speak,_ **

**_Where I happen to be?_ **

**_Silent in the trees,_ **

**_Standing cowardly._ **

_\- Trees, Twenty One Pilots_

 

All things considered, it was a fairly easy shift at the garage that evening.

There had been a problem with an exhaust pipe, a couple of headlight bulbs had needed replacing, and Ashton had had to oversee a basic MOT that one of the newer recruits was carrying out. His overalls had stayed relatively clean, although Ashton was _pretty_ sure he’d got oil in his hair at some point so, unfortunately, he’d need to have a (cold) shower when he got home.

Ashton was very warm – almost to the point of being uncomfortably so – when he walked out into the cold night air that evening.

His stomach was rumbling again since the crackers _clearly_ hadn’t hit the spot but he ignored that since he wasn’t exactly going to spend the money he had earned, and there was nothing he could eat at home anyway. Ashton was used to it though. If there was ever any spare food, Harry and Lauren always got it, and rightly so. Hunger wasn’t exactly an alien feeling to him.

On a whim, Ashton headed to the pier since it wasn’t that much further out of town than the garage was.

It was a clear night and the stars were twinkling through the branches as Ashton walked along in the dark beneath the trees. He heard a rustle as a bird settled down in its nest for the night and a faint smile touched Ashton’s lips as he remembered childhood sleepovers with Michael and Calum, and the way the mischievous green-eyed boy would _always_ manage to convince Calum that his terrifying ‘ _drop bears_ ’ were real, or something equally stupid.

Ashton thought back to those days as he walked the familiar pavement, remembered how _easy_ they were because Warwick had still been around then and Anne had been _happy_.

Ashton brushed those thoughts away quickly before he entered dangerous territory. He didn’t need to feel anxious or frightened or numb now.

He actually felt _okay_ at the moment, even if his wrists _were_ throbbing with pain.

He could smell the grass and hear the low buzz of the cicadas in the undergrowth as he walked past the low stone wall, catching glimpses of the sparkling ocean through gaps in the trees that surrounded the empty, winding road that edged the rocky coastline.

Everything looked beautiful tonight and Ashton’s chest felt a little looser than normal, and he thought maybe the structure and stability of going to work, of knowing what was expected of him and realising that, _yes_ , it _was_ within his capabilities, made all the difference in the world.

When Ashton reached the pier, he found that, once again, he wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought! :)  
> We have a little bit of Lashton next if things go to plan...


	19. Splintering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He could see the stars here whereas, back through the trees, the skies were stained a purplish-orange hue instead of the blackish-blue that nature had intended._  
>  _There was a quiet, unobtrusive beauty about it. Ashton usually liked to be alone at the pier but he thought that maybe Luke could stay too, if he wanted._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got a lot more angsty than I'd planned and I blame my sister for that. She just played 'Mother' by Pink Floyd and it was either write angst or cry so I chose the former.  
> Sorry not sorry.  
> Hopefully you guys enjoy this :)

**_Mother, do you think she's dangerous to me?_ **

_\- Mother, Pink Floyd_

 

Luke looked angry.

That was the first thing Ashton noticed as he stood beneath the splintering wooden archway that led out onto the pier.

Luke was pacing back and forth across the aged wood with his phone gripped too-tightly in his fist as he listened with increasing incredulity to whatever was being said on the other end. His knuckles were white and his blue eyes were burning with a cold fire that made goosebumps rise on Ashton’s scarred arms where they were hidden beneath his hoodie.

The younger boy looked almost… _dangerous_.

It was a far cry from the trembling, nervous boy that Ashton had met a few days previously.

“– so stop it, Aleisha!” Luke was saying imploringly and his voice was lower than Ashton remembered, rougher with poorly-concealed anger. “This isn’t going to work if you can’t accept that I’m not comfortable –”

Ashton knew the exact moment that Luke turned and saw that he had an audience because his wide shoulders slumped and he ended up sitting down heavily on the damp wood, his head bowed. The wind was stronger out here and his blond hair fluttered down over his face, not quiffed like it had been the first time they’d met.

Ashton thought it made him look younger and smaller, more _vulnerable_ maybe, which was strange when he’d just looked so angry and full of life.

Ashton walked forwards hesitantly and lay down on the planks of wood in silence beside Luke, simply gazing up at the countless stars in the inky black sky as Luke finished his phone call abruptly.

“Leish, you’re not _listening_ ,” he said, a lot more calmly, his tone almost… _sad_. “I’ll talk to you about this at school tomorrow. I don’t want to fight. Just –”

Luke’s brows pulled together when whoever he had been talking to – ‘ _Aleisha_ ,’ Ashton’s brain supplied helpfully – hung up on him. The younger boy sighed, chewing on his lip for a moment before he shrugged and lay down beside Ashton on the pier.

“Sorry about that,” Luke said conversationally and Ashton shrugged, opting for silence. The blond boy snorted suddenly as he looked at Ashton and said: “Don’t you have any other clothes?” Ashton rolled his eyes and flipped him off.

A surprisingly comfortable silence grew between them for two people who had only ever tried to insult each other, and that thought made Ashton's stomach flutter with nervous butterflies because he didn't know what it _meant_.

A gull circled overhead and the wind blew again, ruffling Ashton's messy curls and making him curl up into a ball on his side so that his face was protected from the wind (and if that meant that he was also lying maybe a little bit closer to Luke, no one else had to know).

"Fancy seeing you here again," Luke said after a moment and Ashton glanced up at him before looking quickly away again, his hazel eyes conflicted.

He didn't think it was so surprising really. He felt _safe_ here, like the pier was a secret, like maybe no one else knew about it.

The pier was a pocket of darkness in a bright world but it was Ashton's safe haven. It was an escape from reality, from the hustle and bustle of a life that wouldn't grant Ashton even a _moment's_ peace.

He could see the stars here whereas, back through the trees, the skies were stained a purplish-orange hue instead of the blackish-blue that nature had intended.

There was a quiet, unobtrusive beauty about it. Ashton usually liked to be alone at the pier but he thought that maybe Luke could stay too, if he wanted.

"Your eyes are sad," Ashton murmured when Luke shifted so that he could see the older boy properly. Luke looked surprised when the words left Ashton's mouth and the curly-haired boy felt the same.

"So are yours," Luke noted and he shivered slightly, wrapping his pale arms around himself tightly.

There was no fancy school uniform today, only a black t-shirt and a pair of ripped skinny jeans that were no match for the cold weather.

"Care to tell me why?" The younger boy spoke in a scornful drawl and Ashton didn't much like the faint smirk on Luke's lips but, surprisingly, he answered anyway, perhaps because he thought that the sarcastic bite to the younger boy's words seemed _forced_ somehow.

"My two best friends are... Well..." Ashton rolled over onto his back again and stared up at the small wisps of cloud drifting across the sky. Ashton wondered if he should be saying anything before he gave a mental shrug. It wasn't like Luke would ever meet them anyway.

"Well, Michael's in love with Calum and Calum's straight I think but he promised they could try anyway but Michael said no because he didn't think it was fair on either of them and... and now things aren't so easy anymore and... and growing up _sucks_ , Luke, because they used to be inseparable and they were both so, like, mentally stable, I guess? And now they kind of _aren't_ anymore and... and I was kind of sort of trying to be more like them before, you know? Like I joined the football club and I went out with them at the weekends back when things were easier and..."

Ashton faltered when he realised that Luke had let him speak uninterrupted for the better part of two minutes.

There was no trace of humour and unkindness on Luke's pale, tired face now, only worry and sympathy, but not _pity_ which Ashton thought was nice of him to mask.

"I'm sorry," Ashton mumbled. "Sometimes I start talking and then it doesn't stop."

"Maybe you should stop bottling everything up then," Luke murmured before he gave a sudden burst of unexpected self-deprecating laughter. "I mean, this is _definitely_ a case of ' _Do as I say, not as I do_ ' but... whatever..."

Luke rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably then, like he didn't want to talk anymore, and Ashton didn't push it as he settled back down beside Luke again, so close that their arms were _almost_ touching.

The waves crashed against the pebbly beach and the sea spray dampened their clothes and Luke gave a tiny shaky sigh when Ashton's hand brushed his before he quickly shoved it into the warm confines of his hoodie.

' _Yes_ ,' Ashton thought, and he closed his eyes for a moment, able to ignore the conflicting emotions he felt inside him that ranged from a peculiar excitement to disgust at himself for feeling like that about another _boy_.

' _Yes_ ,' Ashton decided, remembering his earlier thoughts when he'd arrived at the pier in the darkness and spotted that he wasn't alone again. ' _Luke can stay_.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was this update?  
> Please let me know! :)


	20. Almost Echo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The sun was beating down on the dried grass of the pitch and he could see the heat haze rolling across the barren ground like a wave. His curls were sticking to his forehead with sweat and he was boiling in his jumper but he couldn’t exactly go without it._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but necessary because I'm a sadist!  
> Enjoy :)

**_I can't feel the way I did before._ **

_\- Faint, Linkin Park_

 

The weather grew steadily hotter over the next few weeks and Ashton _hated_ it, especially when he had to play football.

His hands were uncomfortably sticky in his keeper gloves as he waited restlessly in the goal, his hazel eyes blearily tracking his team as they passed the ball to each other, back and forth, back and forth...

Ashton blinked, jerking upright from where he’d ended up leaning against the goalpost.

The sun was beating down on the dried grass of the pitch and he could see the heat haze rolling across the barren ground like a wave. His curls were sticking to his forehead with sweat and he was _boiling_ in his jumper but he couldn’t exactly go _without_ it.

Suddenly the ball was flying towards him and Ashton watched it slip through his limp fingers like it was someone else who had just flunked the easiest save _ever_.

Calum blew the whistle and shouted something but Ashton barely heard him.

Everything seemed to almost _echo_ and he was _really_ starting to wish he’d had something to drink or eat that morning… or had it been since yesterday?

Ashton’s knees were on the grass then and his vision was starting to dim as the world tilted and the last thing Ashton saw before everything went black was Calum running towards him.

Ashton’s cheek hit the ground and his eyes slid shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was okay...  
> I'll start writing the next update now...  
> Please let me know what you think! :)


	21. Dying Swan Act

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He was sitting on a bench in the changing room now with his head in his hands as a headache throbbed behind his eyes. Ashton's cheeks were still flaming and he felt mortified that the rest of the team had seen him that vulnerable. It made him feel sick._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame 'Gotta Get Out' for this chapter especially.  
> Spot the lyric :P

**_It comes in waves, I close my eyes._ **

**_Hold my breath and let it bury me._ **

_\- Drown, Bring Me The Horizon_

 

Ashton couldn’t _believe_ he’d fainted.

He was sitting on a bench in the changing room now with his head in his hands as a headache throbbed behind his eyes. Ashton's cheeks were still flaming and he felt _mortified_ that the rest of the team had seen him that vulnerable. It made him feel sick.

The changing room was silent save for the steady dripping sound of one of the showers and the low sound of three people breathing, and the atmosphere was thick enough that it felt like he could cut the tension in the room with a knife.

Ashton grew distracted then and it was only Michael putting his arm around Ashton’s still-shaking shoulders that anchored him, brought him back.

“Why do you think he fainted?” Calum asked nervously as he paced backwards and forwards in front of the pair on the bench. Ashton pouted a little bit and mumbled: “I _can_ talk for myself, you know” but they both ignored him.

“He was probably just dehydrated or something,” Michael said thoughtfully, giving Ashton’s shoulder a small squeeze as the older boy leant against him almost unconsciously. “Like, your blood pressure decreases because your blood gets thicker or whatever so it makes it more likely that you’re gonna faint.”

Michael spoke so confidently that it threw Ashton for a moment before he remembered that Michael’s uncle was a nurse so he’d probably heard this all before.

“When did you last drink something, Ashy?” Calum asked softly and Ashton blinked up at him, his hazel eyes wide as he tried to remember.

“Uh… yesterday? I think it was yesterday…”

Michael frowned at that and dug his water bottle out of his bag, and Ashton accepted it gratefully, stealing a few gulps before he handed it back unwillingly, feeling guilty about taking it from Michael. The younger boy shook his head firmly and pressed it back into Ashton’s hand.

“Drink _all_ of it, Irwin,” Michael said and the older boy did as he was asked.

“I need to pee before I go to next lesson,” Ashton informed them in a mumble. Calum raised his eyebrows and was already starting to say: “I don’t think staying at school is such a good idea, Ashton” when Michael interrupted them both.

“It’s feasible that he could feel okay now, you know, Cal,” Michael said fairly and Ashton _really_ wanted to hug the boy with the brightly coloured hair then. “Like, sometimes people will feel better a couple of minutes after fainting. Ash is probably okay.”

Ashton nodded in agreement and Calum rolled his eyes in an effort to hide his relief as he dropped down onto the bench, an uncomfortably long distance from Michael.

Ashton sighed softly as he got to his feet. Maybe their talk yesterday hadn’t gone so well after all. That would certainly explain Michael’s lack of response.

Ashton disappeared into the bathroom, leaning his forehead against the cool tiles in the small room and taking a deep, steadying breath as he relished a room that _wasn’t_ full of tension.

The silence from the changing room was _painful_ to listen to and Ashton’s: “This is awkward – can one of you whistle or something?” was met with a surprised grunt of laughter from Calum as Michael sniggered.

Ashton pushed away from the wall, glancing down and tugging the sleeves of his _damn_ jumper down as he went. He really hoped no one had seen anything during those thirty or so seconds when he’d been unconscious because he just _knew_ that his sleeves had slipped back. He could only hope that everyone had been too distracted by his whole dying swan act thing to notice.

Back in the other room, Ashton heard Calum say something in a low voice and Michael’s soft answering chuckle, and Ashton felt a weight lift off his shoulders that he hadn’t even realised he was _carrying_.

Maybe things between Michael and Calum _would_ be alright after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um... I hate to tell you guys this but things are taking a turn for the worst now.... and they'll just kind of _keep_ getting worse... I mean, not for _all_ of the story but... it gets sad.... and I'm sorry...


	22. Blinding Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton didn’t know how to ask Michael to leave kindly. He knew his mum would be home, probably drunk out of her mind again and he didn’t think that Michael coming home with him would be a good thing._  
>  _Unfortunately, Michael was a stubborn bastard so Ashton supposed he'd just have to get used to the idea_.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly though, big brother!Ashton is my favourite thing to write <3  
> I hope you guys are enjoying this though...

**_Oh now I do recall, we were just getting to the part,_ **

**_Where the shock sets in, and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick._ **

_\- Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off, Panic! At The Disco_

 

Despite Michael’s calm reassurances in the changing room, he still insisted on accompanying Ashton once school was over.

Ashton didn’t know how to ask Michael to leave _kindly_. He knew his mum would be home, probably drunk out of her mind again, or _angry_ , like she’d been the last time Ashton had had a proper conversation with her, all those weeks ago, and he didn’t think that Michael coming home with him would be a good thing.

Unfortunately, Michael was a stubborn bastard so Ashton supposed he'd just have to get used to the idea.

“You’re quiet,” Michael said softly as the pair walked down the road towards the primary school so that they could collect Harry and Lauren. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Ashton said, shrugging. “Just worried about Lauren,” he said suddenly, impulsively, and he wasn’t surprised to find that it was true. “There were some kids picking on her when I went to pick her up a few weeks back. I just hope they haven’t been giving her anymore grief.”

“Huh. We’ll see about that.” Michael cracked his knuckles threateningly and, for a guy with dyed red hair and a Spiderman sweatshirt pulled on over his school uniform, he looked surprisingly threatening. Ashton thought maybe it was the eyebrow piercing.

Michael’s kind offer of beating up the children who had been bullying Lauren wasn’t needed in the end though, thankfully, and it was with a surprising amount of comfort that Ashton walked home beside one of his best friends while the little ones ambled along in front of them. Harry kept babbling excitedly about Mikey and Lauren occasionally gave Michael such a blinding smile that Ashton began to worry that maybe she had a little crush on him or something.

He’d have to go all ‘ _big brother_ ’ on Michael if that was the case.

Ashton’s smile faded a little bit as they wandered up the front drive and the older boy hesitated for a moment, pretending that he was getting his door key out of his bag when really he was just trying to keep his breathing calm.

Harry and Lauren were already waiting to be let inside on the front porch but Michael lingered beside Ashton for a moment, giving his arm a comforting squeeze although he couldn’t possibly know _why_ Ashton looked upset.

“What’s up, mate?” Michael asked quietly and Ashton just shook his head. Maybe he’d tell Michael one day – (he _doubted_ it but he’d learnt never to rule anything out) – but now was _certainly_ not the time.

“Nothing,” Ashton repeated before he jogged over to unlock the door and let the little ones into the house. He felt Michael’s eyes fixed on his back the whole time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys aren't getting bored of this fic... It's just, I don't want you to think that it's not going anywhere or whatever as that has already been said so I hope this is okay...  
> Like, something important is happening next chapter and I've got this whole fic planned out and stuff _will_ happen, I promise!  
>  But I mean, if people aren't enjoying it, I don't have to continue it if it's not something people are interested in?  
> Please let me know...


	23. With A Vengeance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _His hands were shaking as he stared down at the bottle in his grip and, for a moment, Ashton pictured it shattering against the wall, smashing and breaking into a million pieces so that, finally, there would be something physical that showed how Ashton was feeling inside._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst angst angst...  
> (Told you something was going to happen...)  
> Enjoy! Hopefully...

**_I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone._ **

**_I long for that feeling to not feel at all._ **

**_The higher I get, the lower I'll sink._ **

**_I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim._ **

_\- Can You Feel My Heart?, Bring Me The Horizon_

 

Michael’s visit went from bad to worse and Ashton’s anxiety had him _so_ on edge that he was starting to feel sick.

As soon as Ashton had got the front door open, he’d felt his heart sink in his chest because Anne was lying slumped on the sofa again and she looked _terrible_ , all waxy skin and limp hair.

Ashton had pointedly ignored Michael’s shocked look when he’d seen her and the younger boy had thankfully been distracted then because Harry had declared loudly that he wasn’t going to do any of his homework and Ashton, in his stress, had shouted that he damn well _was_ going to or he’d be in bed by seven o’clock that night.

Harry had stormed off upstairs then with a ridiculously betrayed look on his face and Lauren had given Ashton a scathing look, said: “You really shouldn’t have done that. Now he’s going to sulk” and smiled shyly at Michael before she disappeared up to her bedroom too.

Two doors could be heard slamming shut upstairs and Ashton’s shoulders slumped. Michael let out a low whistle.

“You really fucked that up, mate, no offence,” he said and Ashton sighed.

“You think I don't know that?” he half-whispered and then, suddenly, he couldn’t keep the words in again and his voice was rising and he couldn’t stop it. It was like that night at the pier with Luke. “You don’t think I _know_ I always fuck everything up?! Hell, Mikey, that’s _all_ I fucking know! I don’t earn enough money at work so I couldn’t get Lauren a proper present this year! I don’t manage mum’s money well enough probably so the little ones are always hungry and I don’t even get to fucking _eat_ half the time! I have panic attacks because I’m so _fucking_ useless that I can’t even _breathe_ properly when things don't go right! I –”

Ashton caught himself at the last moment as Michael stared at him, emerald eyes wide with shock.

‘ _I fucking **cut** and I wish I was **dead** every time I fuck something up!_’ that spiteful little voice in the back of Ashton’s head cried, and it was a long, _long_ moment before Ashton realised he’d said it out loud.

Michael had gone very pale and his mouth was hanging open. Ashton’s finger was shaking as he prodded at Michael’s chest slowly, fiercely.

“So don’t you fucking _dare_ tell me that I fucked up,” Ashton whispered and his eyes were burning but he felt _numb_ inside and it shook him to the core. “Don’t you _dare_.”

Michael was still gaping wordlessly but his hands were outstretched, a bit like when Ashton was playing the drums or saving a goal, like maybe he thought Ashton was going to _break_ or something.

He didn’t seem to realise that his best friend was already _well_ past that now.

“ _Ashy, I'm sorry_ ,” Michael breathed and there were tears in his eyes. Ashton turned away - still breathing heavily - and stalked into the living room, leaving Michael frozen in the wooden-panelled hallway behind him as the dust motes orbited in the light shining in through the glass panes on the front door, like tiny moons and suns.

Ashton snatched up _another_ empty bottle from the floor, uncaring now as to whether Michael would say anything or not, and suddenly the emptiness inside him was _gone_ and replaced with an anger so hot it felt like it was tearing Ashton apart.

His hands were shaking as he stared down at the bottle in his grip and, for a moment, Ashton pictured it shattering against the wall, smashing and breaking into a _million_ pieces so that, _finally_ , there would be something physical that showed how Ashton was feeling inside.

Ashton dropped the bottle back down onto the carpet, suddenly nauseous. His headache from earlier had returned with a vengeance and he sank down to his knees heavily, gripping the edge of the sofa his mother was still lying on as he slowly started to lose it.

Michael’s breathing was quick and fast, like Ashton’s when he was panicking about something, and the older boy’s own breathing was laboured as the knot in his chest tightened tenfold, and Anne’s sounded… odd. _Off_ , almost. Slow and irregular, like maybe something wasn't _quite_ right.

Ashton reached out gingerly and gently settled his trembling fingers against her neck, searching for her pulse. He sucked in a shocked gasp when his fingertips brushed her skin though because she was _cold_.

“Mike…?” Ashton muttered and his voice shook. “ _Michael_. Something’s wrong with my mum.”

Michael appeared - frowning like nothing made sense anymore - beside Ashton then, almost as pale as _Anne_ was, and he looked down at Ashton’s mother in silence for a long moment before his eyes dropped to the empty wine bottle lying on the floor and the unsteady rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. Something seemed to dawn on him then because his frown deepened infinitesimally.

“We need to call an ambulance,” Michael said mechanically but his eyes were wild and Ashton was suddenly panicking again because if they called an ambulance then this was _official_ and people would ask questions and they would _know_ and – and –

“Do you _want_ your mum to die, Ashton?!” Michael asked suddenly, his face flushing red so quickly that Ashton was genuinely worried for him. “Ring a fucking ambulance. _Now_. Or – or give me the phone and I’ll – for fuck's  _sake_ , Ash!” Michael yelled and he was panicking openly now too as he staggered back out into the hallway to get his mobile phone from his school bag.

Ashton was still on his knees in the living room, staring at Anne in shock as he gripped the sofa like it was a lifeline, the only thing keeping him from sinking.

He heard doors opening upstairs over the low sound of Michael speaking urgently into his phone, and then Lauren was covering her mouth with her hands as she froze in the hallway and Harry was asking what was wrong with his mummy, and Ashton let loose a sob as his carefully constructed self-control slipped away through his fingers like sand.

 _He’d_ done this. He’d ruined _everything_.

Michael was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am having a lot of feelings right now, not gonna lie. But I suppose I should have expected that.  
> Um... please let me know what you think if anyone is even still reading this...  
> Uh... bye now...


	24. Varying Degrees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Please don’t,” Michael breathed, so quietly that no one else could hear. Ashton stared at him wordlessly, his mouth hanging open a little._  
>  _He didn’t understand why Michael_ cared.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had _soooo_ many damn feels writing this update.  
>  Also, apparently I have a thing for writing accidental mashton. Oops. #NoRegrets :P

**_I can see, I can see, I can see the beauty in the mess._ **

_\- Best Friend, Foster The People_

 

Everything was horrible.

The paramedics hadn’t been at all keen on letting the four of them ride in the back of the ambulance so that they could travel to the hospital with Anne but, once Michael had stubbornly said: “You’re just wasting time” in a whiny tone that was _almost_ entirely for their benefit, the woman had given in and let them onboard.

Harry had apparently decided to forgive Ashton for earlier and was sitting on his lap while Lauren was tucked beneath her older brother’s arm, but it was only Michael rubbing gentle, soothing circles on the back of Ashton’s neck with his thumb that kept the oldest boy from falling apart completely.

Ashton kept noticing things as they raced through the streets at what felt like _well_ over the speed limit.

There was a diagram of the inside of a human body sellotaped to a blank bit of wall beside the gurney that his mother was stretched out on. There was a box full of syringes in little plastic bags that rattled when the ambulance turned a corner. The sirens weren’t _nearly_ as loud inside the vehicle as Ashton had been expecting.

One of the paramedics was working over Anne while the other sped up, speaking swiftly into a radio as he drove. Ashton looked away from what the uniformed woman was doing and he was relieved when the little ones did the same. Lauren tucked her face into Ashton’s neck and Harry scrambled into the gap between her and Ashton so that he was facing the other direction.

Lauren pulled her little brother into her arms with a muffled sob and Ashton took the opportunity to glance over at Michael.

He was greeted with two large, sad green eyes locked on his own.

For all that Michael put on a tough, emotionless facade, it was clear by the tightening of his expression that he was hurting now and it took Ashton _far_ too long to realise why.

‘ _He **knows**_.’

Ashton’s hand slipped into the pocket of his school trousers almost of its accord and pinched hard at the skin there. He dug his nails in and twisted and it _hurt_ but it was _so_ far from being enough, and yet, it was all he _had_ now because his blade was still at home and he wouldn’t get a chance to cut today now _anyway_ probably and – and would they even _get_ to go back home again now that people knew what their mother was like?

Ashton started to panic then although he did his best to suppress it, only pinching harder because that was something he _could_ do now and –

Michael’s hand closed around his wrist, gently, carefully, apparently worried that maybe he was going to hurt Ashton or something, and the older boy’s head snapped up in shock.

“Please don’t,” Michael breathed, so quietly that no one else could hear. Ashton stared at him wordlessly, his mouth hanging open a little.

He didn’t understand why Michael _cared_.

The younger boy shifted over on the bench slowly, his movements _cautious_ almost, like he was afraid Ashton didn’t want him to and, when it quickly became apparent that this wasn’t the case, Michael rested his head gently on Ashton’s shoulder as he tugged the older boy’s hand gently from his pocket.

Ashton stared down in shock as Michael lay Ashton’s hand on his leg and began to fondly trace nonsensical patterns into his palm. It was a kind action, soft and warm-hearted, and it reminded Ashton of the night with Calum where a simple touch had brought him to tears for the first time in years.

Ashton felt his eyes prickle then and Michael burrowed a bit closer, like he could tell that the lump rising in Ashton’s throat was doing its best to choke him.

“We’re almost there,” the man driving called back to them as he hit the gas.

Ashton kept his watery hazel eyes carefully averted from the gurney as he wrapped his free arm around Lauren and Harry who were still sitting cuddled together beside him.

“Love you guys,” he mumbled to them, and to Michael, and Calum too, although of course their younger best friend wasn’t there to hear it. Three replies reached his ears with varying degrees of tearfulness.

It felt like they were all he had left now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this :)  
> The shit's gonna hit the fan next time, as they say, so heads up for that...  
> Please let me know what you thought :)


	25. Ocean Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Everyone needs looking after sometimes, Ashy,” Michael said quietly and he ruffled the older boy’s honey-coloured curls like Ashton did to Harry sometimes when he was feeling particularly fond. ”Especially you.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god the angst is killing me... And there's so much brotp mashton... Like I actually need to chill....  
> Sorry.... enjoy :)

**_Do you see me at all under the tall waves?_ **

**_Do you see me at all?_ **

_\- The Sky Under The Sea, Pierce The Veil_

 

The social worker that had been assigned their case was a young woman who told them to call her Jane. She had strawberry-blonde hair and the sort of annoyingly sincere smile on her face that was probably supposed to make her look approachable.

It was her _eyes_ that bothered Ashton the most though.

They were this clear ocean blue that reminded him of fucking _Luke_ and it was in that moment that Ashton realised he would hate her no matter what.

It didn’t exactly help that Lauren had quietly admired Jane’s nail varnish and Harry had climbed up onto Jane’s lap like she was an old friend, and Ashton _hated_ it because here was the woman who was going to try to tear their (sad, broken, barely-functioning but still _theirs_ , damnit!) family apart, and the little ones _liked_ her.

Maybe they didn’t understand the magnitude of what was going on now that the doctors had told them that their mother would pull through, even if terrifying phrases like ‘alcohol poisoning’ and ‘intoxication’ _were_ being thrown about.

Maybe they were just tired.

Ashton was tired. So, _so_ tired.

He sat slumped against Michael as the older boy texted someone on his mobile. Lauren and Harry were messing around with one of the vending machines in the corner of the small room with some spare change Michael had dug out of his pocket and, for just a moment, Ashton let himself relax.

His head fell back onto Michael's arm since the younger boy had left it draped over the back of Ashton's chair. The curly-haired boy's hazel eyes traced the tiles on the ceiling as he counted them absently. He reached forty seven before he lost count.

The social worker was talking to Anne’s doctor at the moment. He could see her through the glass pane in the closed door because the pair were standing in the corridor outside of Ashton’s mother’s room and their expressions were both very grave. Ashton saw their eyes flicker in once or twice to look at him and his siblings, and he looked away quickly, only to find Michael watching him instead.

“What?” Ashton asked and his voice came out like a croak from lack of talking. He couldn’t say he was surprised really. They’d arrived at the hospital about an hour and a half ago and, other than to introduce himself, the little ones and Michael to the damn social worker when she showed up, he hadn’t spoken again.

“This isn’t your fault, Ashton,” Michael said seriously. Ashton’s breath caught in his throat and he bit his lip hard to keep it from wobbling.

“How do you _k-know_?” he breathed and his voice cracked. His eyes flickered over towards Harry and Lauren but the pair of them were still sitting on the floor, currently sharing a packet of Maltesers as they murmured quietly to each other. Ashton hoped they would be okay.

“Because I know everything,” Michael said with a silly little smile that quickly gave way to seriousness again. “Because I can _**see**_ now. You’ve done _everything_ you can for those kids over there. You’ve practically _raised_ them, Ash. You’ve given them food and gone hungry in the process. You’ve looked after them and taken them to school and collected them _every single day_ –”

“But that was _nothing_ ,” Ashton interjected weakly. Michael silenced him with a look.

“– and you’ve been letting all of this… this _shit_ that you’ve had to deal with _h-hurt_ you, Ash,” Michael continued and his voice broke at the end. “And… and, like, I’ve never _met_ someone who cares as much as you do… and this is _not_ your fault. It’s not even your _mum_ ’s fault and she’s the one that’s brought us here in the first place! Hell, it’s _no one_ ’s fault, Ashton. Sometimes things just happen – for a reason, you know? And I know it sucks – this sucks _real_ bad – but… but your mum’s gonna be okay. The doctor _said_ so… and… and maybe you’ll actually get _looked after_ now and –”

“I don’t _deserve_ looking after,” Ashton said forcefully because if Michael started talking about the _future_ now then the older boy might well be sick. “I don’t _need_ looking after, Mikey, so _shut it_.”

Ashton didn’t really mean it and he was grateful when Michael’s eyes softened slightly because it meant that he understood that Ashton was just snapping because he was scared, a frightened stray dog backed into a corner.

“Everyone needs looking after _sometimes_ , Ashy,” Michael said quietly and he ruffled the older boy’s honey-coloured curls like Ashton did to Harry sometimes when he was feeling particularly fond. ” _Especially_ you.”

A tear rolled down Ashton’s cheek then and Michael gave him a warm look as he tugged him forwards into his arms.

“Things are gonna work out, Ash. I promise,” Michael whispered.

Ashton clung to him like a frightened child and he refused to let go until someone knocked on the door.

“Time to face the music,” Michael mumbled and Ashton thought that a more accurate statement had probably never been uttered before.

“Come in,” Ashton croaked and the door swung open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was okay!  
> I'm heading home from work now so I doubt I'll update again until either tonight or tomorrow morning :)  
> Please let me know what you thought though!  
> Thank you :)


	26. Runaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“I got your text, Mike,” the man said and he had a nice voice, friendly and sort of warm almost, which was a quality only Calum’s occasionally had. “Who did you want me to take a look at?” He twiddled a small torch idly between his fingers as he spoke and Ashton groaned inwardly._  
>  _“Traitor,” he hissed at Michael and the younger boy smirked._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this update took a little longer to write than anticipated but hopefully it was worth the wait!  
> Thank you for reading :)

**_Yesterday is dead and gone,_ **

**_And tomorrow's out of sight,_ **

**_And it's sad to be alone,_ **

**_Help me make it through the night_.**

_\- Help Me Make It Through The Night, Kris Kristofferson_

 

“Oh,” Michael blurted out when the door opened to reveal a friendly-looking nurse waiting patiently outside. “It’s just you.”

The stranger rolled his eyes and Ashton was confused until he spotted the name on the guy’s badge: **_Graham Clifford_**. This must be Michael’s uncle then.

Ashton relaxed with a tiny, relieved sigh, slumping back down against Michael again as Lauren and Harry watched the nurse curiously.

“I got your text, Mike,” the man said and he had a nice voice, friendly and sort of _warm_ almost, which was a quality only Calum’s occasionally had. “Who did you want me to take a look at?” He twiddled a small torch idly between his fingers as he spoke and Ashton groaned inwardly.

“ _Traitor_ ,” he hissed at Michael and the younger boy smirked although there was a touch of concern in his face.

“You’re not _well_ , Ashton,” he said softly but, somehow, Harry and Lauren heard him. They both looked up with mild alarm and Maltesers rolled across the floor. Michael hurriedly backtracked as four pairs of eyes snapped to his face. “I – I just meant that you haven’t been feeling well today. Like… like you _fainted_ and… yeah…” Michael finished speaking lamely and hung his head.

Ashton wanted the ground to swallow him up.

“You fainted, huh?” the man – _Graham_ – asked calmly as he walked over and gestured to the seat beside Ashton. “Do you mind if I sit?” Ashton shook his head and the nurse smiled, sitting down fluidly beside him. “Have you fainted before?”

“No, I… I don’t think I’ve ever fainted properly,” Ashton mumbled, embarrassed that Michael and Lauren were still sitting watching him curiously. (Harry was currently crawling across the floor after a runaway Malteser.)

When Graham made a small, confused noise, Ashton elaborated. “I mean… I get a bit faint sometimes I guess but that’s probably just because I’ve not eaten enough or…”

The nurse didn’t look surprised and Ashton briefly wondered how much he had been told by his nephew. Ashton glanced over at Michael but the younger boy suddenly seemed very interested in distracting Lauren and Harry from their conversation, and Ashton supposed he should be grateful for that.

“Do you mind?” Graham asked again and, although Ashton flinched a little bit when he noticed the man’s hand drifting towards his face, he bit his lip and shrugged.

“It’s okay,” he said quietly and the nurse gave him another smile intended to soothe. He gently tilted Ashton’s head this way and that, making a small tutting sound when he saw the bags under Ashton’s sunken eyes.

“You’re dehydrated and I might even say malnourished,” Graham said quietly, his eyes grave now as he raised the little torch he’d been holding earlier. “Did you hit your head when you fainted?” Ashton shrugged then and Graham nodded thoughtfully as he shone the light into the curly-haired boy’s eyes. Ashton winced slightly.

“Hmmm,” Graham mused, tucking the torch back into his pocket. “I’d say a _very_ mild concussion. I’m guessing you’ve got a bit of a headache right now?” he checked and Ashton nodded grimly. The nurse bit his lip for a moment in a movement that reminded Ashton _very_ much of Michael.

“I don’t think it’s bad enough that you need to be admitted to hospital so, at the moment, I would just suggest taking one or two paracetamol and drinking a _lot_ of water, and making sure you stay awake for the next couple of hours. You think you can do that for me?”

“Yes, sir,” Ashton murmured and he felt very _small_ as he sat hunched up on the uncomfortable plastic chair in the hospital, waiting to find out what was going to happen to him and Harry and Lauren, waiting to find out about their _futures_.

Graham looked uneasy then as he shifted, glancing around to make sure that the little ones were distracted before he turned back to Ashton once more.

“I won’t ask you to show me because I can imagine how difficult that would most likely be for you,” the nurse began and Ashton’s blood ran cold but he forced himself to remain calm because he didn’t want to upset anyone else. He’d done that enough today. “But… you’ve looked after them, I hope? I mean, they’re clean and you’ve covered them properly?”

“Yes,” Ashton breathed and Graham gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze, his eyes warm.

“That’s good then,” he said softly, a faint frown creasing his brow. “And please know that if you ever _do_ want to talk to someone who doesn’t know you all that well and who won’t take it any further without your permission, I’m always here, okay?”

Ashton nodded and Graham grinned suddenly, his dark eyes twinkling. “I already act like an Agony Aunt for Mikey over there so it’s not like I haven’t had practice.”

“Oi!” Michael yelled from his place on the floor when he heard that and Ashton giggled despite himself. They were both complete _idiots_ but there was something endearing about it all the same.

“Is Ashton going to die?” Harry asked solemnly and Graham shook his head firmly as he got to his feet.

“Of course not. Once your brother’s had lots to drink, taken a few paracetamol and had a bite to eat, he’ll feel a lot better,” Graham said and the little ones visibly relaxed. Lauren dropped down into the seat beside her older brother and Harry jumped up onto Ashton’s lap and wrapped his arms around Ashton’s neck.

Ashton pressed a kiss to the top of Harry’s head as he held him closer and he wrapped his free arm around Lauren’s shoulders comfortingly too. It was easy to forget that she was only ten when Harry was being so loud and exuberant but Ashton didn’t want her to feel like she wasn’t getting enough attention.

Graham hauled Michael up when his nephew extended his hand hopefully and the nurse sighed, smiling weakly as he ruffled Michael’s hair. “He should be okay. Just make sure he does what I said, yeah? And let me know when you get home safely tonight or if you need a lift or whatever. I don’t like to think of you out by yourself.”

“I’m sixteen, Gray!” Michael protested when he spotted Ashton listening with a wistful little smile on his face. “But thank you,” the red-haired boy mumbled in a low voice as he pulled his uncle into a half-hug. “I’ll text you later.”

The nurse disappeared and Ashton held Harry and Lauren closer as Michael muttered something about finding a toilet and excused himself. Harry snuggled down and Lauren rested her head on Ashton’s shoulder as he rubbed her arm gently, and they were still sitting like that five minutes later when the social worker appeared in the open doorway.

“You’re very good with them,” she said in such a quiet voice that Ashton was confused for a moment before he realised that both of the little ones had dropped off to sleep in his arms.

“Thank you,” he said unwillingly, squaring his jaw a little bit belligerently when her bright blue eyes - _Luke's_ damn eyes - saddened a little at his tone.

“I’m trying to _help_ you, Ashton,” she said softly and he hated his name coming out of her mouth. Maybe it was because he was still thinking about Luke.

“Then leave us _alone_ ,” Ashton said imploringly. “ _P-please_.”

He felt sick when his voice cracked at the end and Jane sighed softly as she sat down in the seat across from him.

“But that wouldn’t help _anyone_ , Ashton.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this!  
> Please let me know what you think :)


	27. Salvation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Please don’t take Ash and Lauren away!” Harry shouted and Lauren clung to her brothers protectively, her eyes wide and wet with tears. Ashton wrapped his arms around them both securely and Jane nodded like she’d expected as much. Beside them, Michael looked upset._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me _sooooo_ long to write, it's actually ridiculous. I hope you guys don't hate it though!

**_My brothers and sisters, I miss the conversations between us,_ **

**_There's nothing wrong with being a dreamer,_ **

**_So where are you now? Where are you now?_ **

_\- Brothers And Sisters, Twin Atlantic_

 

In the end, Jane wasn’t _quite_ as terrible as Ashton had been expecting.

Jane seemed quite sympathetic but not to the point that she felt patronising and Ashton actually appreciated it a lot. He still _really_ didn’t like her – although he tried to tell himself that she was just doing her job, that this whole mess wasn’t _her_ fault (and that it was really immature to dislike someone because of their _eyes_ ) – but, in the end, Ashton found that if he spoke to the floor instead of her, he could be _sort_ of coherent.

It helped when Michael came back and Ashton asked him to stay because the older boy dropped down onto the seat on the other side of Lauren and reached behind her to squeeze Ashton’s shoulder.

The curly-haired boy tried to convince himself that Jane’s: “Are we ready to begin now?” sounded irritated but, really, she just sounded calm and professional. Ashton glanced down to check that Harry and Lauren were still awake and, when he was satisfied that they weren’t going to drop off any time soon and miss a _very_ important conversation, he nodded.

“Alright,” Jane said evenly, looking down at some notes on a clipboard resting in her lap before her ocean blue eyes flickered back up to their faces again. Ashton looked away. “There are actually only a handful of options open to you at this point,” she explained as she looked at the Irwin siblings seriously. “We can search for a foster family willing to take all three of you, unless – and I think this is unlikely – there is some reason you _don’t_ wish to stay together? Or we can –”

“Please don’t take Ash and Lauren away!” Harry shouted and Lauren clung to her brothers protectively, her eyes wide and wet with tears. Ashton wrapped his arms around them both securely and Jane nodded like she’d expected as much. Beside them, Michael looked upset.

“Of course,” Jane nodded, making a note on her clipboard. “I thought you’d feel that way.”

“What’re our other options?” Ashton asked quietly, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth as he watched her warily. He didn’t think a foster family would be a good thing – Lauren was very shy and would _hate_ living with people she didn’t know, and it would just confuse Harry and probably upset him even more, and those were the _last_ things Ashton wanted.

“The only other option is that we find a relative who would be willing to take the three of you in,” Jane said and there was something in her eyes – and Ashton _wasn’t_ still thinking that they looked just like Luke’s, he _wasn’t_! – that made him think she already knew more than she was letting on.

A few moments later, Ashton’s suspicions were confirmed.

“Now, I am aware that you don’t have much in the way of an extended family,” Jane said and the little ones both nodded morosely. Ashton just held them closer and released a gentle sigh when Michael gave his shoulder a squeeze again.

“However,” the social worker continued as she made another note. “I took the liberty of contacting your grandparents – a Mr. George and Mrs. Grace Irwin?” Lauren made an excited little noise and Harry leant closer eagerly. Even Ashton smiled despite himself because he _loved_ his nan and grandpa, even though they didn’t get to see them much because they lived on the expensive side of town and no one had wanted them to find out how bad things had got in their own little house because it would have upset them.

Ashton missed them.

Jane made another note on the sheet and looked up at them. “They said that they would be _more_ than happy to take you three in – if that’s what you want?” Ashton and the little ones looked at each other in silence for several long moments before, as one, they nodded.

Michael released a relieved breath.

“That’s excellent news,” Jane said and she sounded like she meant it. “The only problem is, they’re currently out of town and won’t be back until tomorrow morning at the earliest so you’ll need somewhere to stay tonight. Now we _can_ find an emergency foster parent, just for tonight, but it might be easier if there’s a close friend or relative that you can think of who would be happy to give you three a bed for the night?”

Ashton bit his lip again but said nothing. They didn’t have anyone who would do that, he didn’t think, except for Michael and Calum, and he _wouldn’t_ ask them. He was too proud for that.

“My uncle would probably say yes,” Michael piped up suddenly and, although Jane didn’t look sure, Ashton and the little ones looked up with interest. Michael carried on, heartened. “He’s called Graham Clifford,” he explained as the social worker listened to him curiously. “He’s a nurse here at the hospital. I’m sure he’d say yes for just one night. He lets me and my cousins stay over all the time.”

“Hmmm…” Jane seemed to be thinking for a moment before her expression cleared. “Well we’ll need to do a background check if he agrees, obviously, but that could work. What do you three think?” Ashton shrugged and nodded, and Harry and Lauren agreed too. There wasn’t exactly going to be a better offer and the guy seemed nice enough, even if it _did_ make Ashton uncomfortable that he knew.

“Right, well I’ll contact him in a moment then,” Jane said calmly before she asked Michael for Graham’s contact details and began to make a note of them. Harry and Lauren started to whisper to each other, and Ashton’s thoughts drifted off.

His heart was racing in his chest as _something_ surged through him and it took him a moment to identify it as guilt.

Because their _mother_ was lying unconscious in a hospital bed just across the corridor, unable to offer her side of the story, and here Ashton was, sitting discussing Anne’s children’s future _away_ from Anne with a damn _social worker_!

And Ashton’s grandparents were _rich_ too, which bothered him for some reason he couldn't explain. They had a house that was _ridiculously_ large for two people and they’d always been confused as to why their daughter and her kids stayed in such a small house, even after they sent their daughter a cheque every month.

“Ashton?” Jane asked. He barely heard her, his thoughts racing around his head and stinging like hornets. His breath caught in his throat.

Ashton supposed his grandparents must have questioned where their money was going. He wondered what they’d do when they found out she’d spent it _all_ on alcohol and nearly killed herself in the process.

“Ash?” Michael asked, much closer now. Ashton looked up, startled. Lauren and Harry had wriggled out of his grip and Ashton hunched over, his breath rasping in his chest as he struggled to breathe.

“I’ll give you a moment to adjust,” Jane said with sympathy in her tone. Ashton didn’t look up. “Harry, Lauren – would you like to have a drink from the cafeteria? I’m sure they’ll have something you like.”

The little ones looked up for confirmation and Ashton managed a jerky nod.

“I’ll contact Graham while I’m out,” Jane informed him and, with that, she led Harry and Lauren out of the room.

Ashton started crying the moment the door clicked shut, sliding out of the chair and curling in on himself as his sobs tore through him. It _hurt_ to cry this time, felt like he was being torn in two, like maybe he’d saved up all those years where he didn’t cry and he was letting it all out now.

“Ashton,” Michael said weakly and he was shaking as he dropped down onto the floor beside his best friend and pulled him onto his lap. “Ashton, don’t. You… you’ll make _me_ cry, mate,” Michael said, trying for a laugh that fell _very_ flat as Ashton’s tears soaked into his sweatshirt.

“ _I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,_ ” the older boy gasped out, ashamed and so _tired_ , of today, of _everything_. “I… I wanna sleep…”

“You can’t, mate,” Michael whispered, dropping a kiss onto the top of his head. “Concussion, remember? You’ve gotta wait. And _damnit_ , Ash, you _still_ need to take some pills.”

“Headache’s gone now,” the curly-haired boy mumbled and Michael looked like he didn’t believe him. Ashton couldn’t say he blamed him and he tucked his face into Michael’s neck so that he wouldn’t have to see the look on his face.

His tears had started to slow now and, dimly, he was relieved that no one else was using the waiting room. He must look a _right_ state.

“Do… do you think they’ll let us… let us see mum again?” Ashton hated himself for asking, for looking vulnerable, just in _general_ really, but Michael had already seen too much. There was almost nothing _left_ to hide now and Ashton clung to his remaining secret like it was his only salvation.

Michael’s expression was downcast when Ashton risked a glance up and his pale cheeks were splotchy, like maybe _he’d_ got upset too, and Ashton just hadn’t seen because he’d been burying his head in the sand again.

“I’m sorry. I… I don’t know, Ash,” Michael said quietly, looking as lost as Ashton felt. “I just don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :)


	28. Fathom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton wished he was as stupid as most of the teachers at school _thought_ he was. Then maybe _he_ would be as carefree as his little brother._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is okay!  
> Enjoy :)

**_Take away the sensation inside,_ **

**_Bittersweet migraine in my head,_ **

**_It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind,_ **

**_I can't take this feeling anymore._ **

_\- Give Me Novocaine, Green Day_

 

The drive to Graham Clifford's house was quiet that night.

They'd agreed to let Harry sit in the front since he tended to get whiny when he was tired and they wanted to avoid a sulk.

The little boy was currently rabbiting away excitedly to Graham who had somehow managed to find himself in the middle of a conversation about Harry's favourite songs on Horrible Histories, and Ashton was kind of glad he'd avoided that conversation.

Lauren was curled up next to her older brother in the back, her head resting on his shoulder as she sniffed softly, wiping her eyes as subtly as she could with her sleeves. Ashton suppressed a sigh and kissed her cheek, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly. "I love you, Loz," he whispered but that only made her cry harder. Ashton swallowed past the lump in his throat with difficulty.

On the older boy's other side sat Michael. He'd stretched the sleeves of his Spiderman sweatshirt over his hands and his red hair was a mess from the number of times he'd ran his fingers through it in his stress. Ashton knew he had to look about ten times worse though.

"How're you doing?" Michael asked him softly as Graham stopped at a set of traffic lights. Ashton shrugged, trying to avoid looking at the street lights too directly. Michael spotted it at once and grasped Ashton's hand comfortingly.

"Ashton's head still hurts, Gray. Make sure he takes something back at yours, okay?" Michael said loudly and Ashton kind of wanted to pinch him but he resisted because he knew the younger boy was only worried about him for some strange reason that Ashton couldn't _really_ fathom.

Graham had barely managed to confirm that he would indeed do this before Harry demanded to teach him the words to the Dick Turpin song and, not for the first time that day, Ashton was glad his little brother was young enough that he didn't completely understand the magnitude of their situation.

Ashton wished he was as stupid as most of the teachers at school _thought_ he was. Then maybe _he_ would be as carefree as his little brother.

Ashton didn't think he could even remember what that was _like_ anymore.

"We're almost back at your place, Mike," Graham informed his nephew a few minutes later. Michael looked up from his phone with a start, his free hand still holding Ashton's.

"Okay," Michael said distractedly as the car turned down the familiar street. Ashton pointedly didn't look in the direction of the road that led to their old house and, beside him, he saw Lauren do the same.

"Calum deserves to know," Ashton breathed suddenly, unwillingly, when the car pulled to a stop. Michael looked at his best friend with wide eyes as he released his seat belt. "Please tell him."

"Tell him _what_?" Michael asked uneasily, his voice low, and Ashton sucked in a deep breath to calm his frayed nerves.

"Everything," the older boy said shakily and Michael swallowed, nodding as he watched Ashton with wide eyes. "He deserves to know everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!  
> I'm sorry this was more filler than anything but lots of new things are happening soon and there will be a lot more Luke from this point on!  
> Thank you for reading :)


	29. Thousand Yard Stare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _It kind of felt like… like maybe Ashton wasn’t_ needed _anymore._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even joking, I actually _hate_ myself for writing this. I'm so horrible, oh my god.  
>  Also, I apologise that this took me so long to update! (well... like 2 days but whatever...)  
> Sorry guys.

**_I have crawled so far sideways,_ **

**_I recognise dim traces of creation,_ **

**_I wanna die, die in the summertime, I wanna die_.**

_\- Die In The Summertime, Manic Street Preachers_

 

Moving in with George and Grace Irwin was _strange_ , and it wasn’t just the light, airy rooms and the expensive furnishings that threw Ashton.

It was the constant _affection_.

His grandpa would pat him on the arm or ruffle his hair when he walked past. His nan would give him a kiss on the cheek and squeeze his hand when she caught him gazing away into nothing, a thousand yard stare almost.

It was probably stupid but all of the attention he was receiving made Ashton feel _awful_. After all, he often reasoned with himself, it was Harry and Lauren who deserved all of the love now. Not _him_.

He’d _been_ looked after when he was little, back before his dad had left and made Anne stop caring. He’d _had_ those few years where she’d tucked him into bed at night and cooked him proper meals and kissed him on the nose when he giggled.

Lauren and Harry _hadn’t_ really, except for the short time when Warwick had stuck around, so it only stood to reason that Ashton wanted them to get more attention. They _deserved_ it.

That was why Ashton spent a lot of time in the new room he’d been given. He figured that if he separated himself from people then they wouldn’t realise that things were worse than they’d _ever_ been.

He knew it was selfish to feel that way. Now he wouldn’t have to worry about saving the pennies every week in the hope that he’d somehow manage to scrape enough together so that Lauren and Harry could go to college if they wanted. He wouldn’t have to worry about there not being enough food for the little ones to eat because the fridge was _always_ full here.

It kind of felt like… like maybe Ashton wasn’t _needed_ anymore.

He wondered if there was any point in him staying ~~alive~~ here when everything he had done before could be done by someone else now, and to a much higher standard.

He’d asked his grandpa for a pencil sharpener on the second day they’d been here, had lied and said he wanted to do some homework, and he’d only felt a _tiny_ bit guilty as he cracked the plastic open and freed the razor blade from inside it.

Ashton’s hand crept towards it sometimes, when he allowed his thoughts to drift away, and though he drew the blade down the inside of his arm – and he traced it _vertically_ now, not horizontally – he managed not to break the skin.

It was like a promise almost, something to hold onto when he couldn’t breathe properly anymore.

‘ _Maybe it would be better if I was dead,_ ’ Ashton thought again and again, and those nine words were a constant litany that never entirely left his thoughts, but then Harry or Lauren would come upstairs and snuggle down beside him, seeking comfort they could only get from their older brother and, suddenly, Ashton _wasn’t_ so sure anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was okay. There'll be some more Luke soon, I promise.  
> Please let me know what you thought.


	30. Kings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Well now, let me think,” he pondered as the sun shone in through the window. Ashton could hear birds singing outside as the little ones laughed at something. It was starting to make him feel sick. “There are a couple of kids on this street who go to Kings actually,” he said, referring to the expensive private school on this side of town that –_ damnit _– Luke attended._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this update!

**_We are diamonds waiting to be found,_ **

**_Catching light in the corners of our eyes._ **

_\- Tension & Thrill, Sleeping At Last_

 

Harry and Lauren were the restless sort of bored that meant things got broken and fights were started for no reason. There was a lot of crying and angry red faces during the week all three of them had off school following Anne’s unexpected trip to hospital, and Ashton could see how it was weighing heavily on them.

For the first time ever, Ashton woke up on a Sunday morning and actually looked _forward_ to going back to school the next day, even _though_ most of the teachers either sneered at him or ignored him, and the only people who talked to him were his two best friends and the others on the football team.

The tension was thick in the house and Ashton felt sorry for his grandparents.

He knew they would _not_ have been silly enough to think that taking in their three grandchildren permanently would be _easy_ but a seven year old boy who constantly had tantrums, a ten year old who had cut all of her hair off with a pair of craft scissors the week before in an act of rebellion and had had to be rushed out for an emergency haircut, and a teenager who drifted around the house wishing he was dead half the time was probably a little bit _too_ much for them, if Ashton was being honest with himself.

George and Grace seemed to be doing well enough though, if Jane’s satisfied expression was anything to go by when she came round to visit, something that Ashton didn’t even mind _happening_ now because it was a welcome relief from the tension in the house, the atmosphere stretched so taut that it felt like it was about to _snap_.

“– there any kids your own age around here, Ashton?” Jane was asking as she sat at the table in his grandparents’ kitchen, her back straight as she warmed her hands on a mug of tea. Ashton sat opposite her with his grandpa beside him.

Harry and Lauren were currently “ _helping nanny in the garden_ ” outside which roughly equated to over-watering her plants and pulling out the flowers instead of weeds because the most gardening they’d ever done prior to this was growing little tubs of cress at school in their science classes over the years.

For the first time in what felt like _days_ , the little ones had stopped arguing, and it just so happened to be on the day when Jane came round to visit. Ashton thought that was fortuitous somehow, even if it _wasn’t_ an entirely accurate representation of what life was _like_ at George and Grace’s.

It took Ashton a moment to process the question and, when he did, he realised he didn’t know the answer. The curly-haired boy looked to his grandpa for help and the old man stepped in, his brown eyes friendly as he clasped his hands on the tabletop.

“Well now, let me think,” he pondered as the sun shone in through the window. Ashton could hear birds singing outside as the little ones laughed at something. It was starting to make him feel sick. “There _are_ a couple of kids on this street who go to Kings actually,” he said, referring to the expensive private school on this side of town that – _damnit_ – Luke attended, if Ashton was remembering his uniform correctly.

“There are?” Ashton asked cautiously and Jane smiled into her mug of tea, clearly hoping that Ashton would want to do something sociable or _normal_ or whatever as that would be one less worry for her, he supposed. Ashton almost smirked at that. “Boys or girls?”

“Boys mostly, I think,” his grandpa said as he sipped from his own mug and pulled a face before adding another teaspoonful of sugar. “There’s a few younger kids down the road – I’d say they were closer to Lauren’s age than yours – but there _is_ a couple next door with three sons who go or went to Kings, now that I think of it.”

“Oh,” Ashton said before he went back to his tea. George shrugged and Jane made a note on her ever-present clipboard again, and that was that.

And life went on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm being really mean and delaying Ashton seeing Luke again even _more_ because I'm horrible but I promise it will be soon!  
>  I just need some more Calum in the story, as well as Michael...  
> Please let me know what you thought :)


	31. Faint Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Michael didn’t look like he believed him but he was stepping back anyway and now Ashton saw why because Calum was there too and –_ shit _– this was the first time he’d seen him since… since Michael had _told_ him._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing so much this morning, it's crazy!  
> I hope you guys are still enjoying this :)

**_I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,_ **

**_All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble._ **

_\- Tears And Rain, James Blunt_

 

“Why didn’t you answer our calls, Ashton?! We were worried sick!” Michael whisper-shouted the _moment_ George drove out of the school’s car park with the little ones in the back, obviously referring to the fact that the curly-haired boy hadn't picked his mobile phone up all week while he was off. Michael suddenly looked guilty though and he rushed towards him, pulling the older boy into a tight hug. “Are you okay?” he muttered into his ear and Ashton nodded jerkily.

Michael didn’t look like he believed him but he was stepping back anyway and now Ashton saw why because _Calum_ was there too and – _shit_ – this was the first time he’d seen him since… since Michael had _told_ him.

Ashton prepared himself for when Calum would make a cruel remark and walk off, because surely he wouldn’t be so lucky that _both_ of his best friends cared enough about him (somehow) to put up with all of his shit, but the moment never came.

Calum simply surged forwards and hugged Ashton _hard_ , his face pressed firmly into the curly-haired boy’s neck as he held him. “I missed you, buddy,” Calum whispered so that his voice wouldn’t have a chance to crack and Ashton’s eyes burned almost as much as the inside of his _wrist_ did because he’d fucking missed these two a _lot_.

“No homo,” Michael joked wearily when Calum pulled away but Ashton thought he detected a faint note of resentment in the red-haired boy’s tone. Calum seemed to crumble a little at those words and, for the first time, Ashton took in how _grey_ the youngest boy looked, like he hadn’t been sleeping or something.

“We’ve got football second lesson, right?” Ashton asked, keen to cut through the tension again because he’d had enough of that at _home_ – and he’d stumbled over the word, his face twisting because it still didn’t _feel_ like he belonged there – and Ashton was _damned_ if he was going to have to suffer through it at school too.

“Yeah, if you still want to,” Calum said and Ashton squared his jaw and fought not to ask: ‘ _And why wouldn’t I want to?_ ’ because Calum was only being concerned and he could _hardly_ be blamed for that.

“Yeah, if you’ll have me,” Ashton said instead, his voice quiet and a tiny bit shaky, and Calum’s eyes were warm but so, _so_ sad as he gave the oldest boy a watery smile.

“We’ll always have you, Ash,” he promised and Michael nodded in agreement.

Both boys pretended not to notice when Ashton had to dry his eyes with his sleeve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's gonna be some Luke really soon... I promise <3  
> Let me know what you think please!  
> Thank you for reading :)


	32. Lights Too Bright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The blond Kings student never ceased to confuse him and Ashton really didn’t know what to make of the younger boy as they started walking again, both heading in the same direction. He was certainly a puzzle, that was for sure._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because you guys _totally_ weren't expecting this to happen - what are you _talking_ about?!  
>  (I'm sorry. There needed to be more Luke for this story to work.)

**_I fought it for a long time now,_ **

**_While drowning in a river of denial,_ **

**_I washed up, fixed up, picked up all my broken things._ **

_\- Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don't), All Time Low_

 

Ashton had decided that he wanted to walk home from school that day, even though the walk _was_ closer to forty minutes than ten now, like it had been before. The curly-haired boy didn’t mind though. Everything had been weighing on him very heavily over the fortnight they had currently been staying with their grandparents and he figured that forty minutes outside, alone beneath the empty sky, was maybe just what he needed.

He was in a bit of a tearful mood actually which was probably stupid but it kind of felt like everything was too _much_  for him right now.

The way he was feeling sort of reminded him of that day on the beach when he’d first met Luke. The clarity had been too overwhelming, the lights too bright and the sounds too loud.

Ashton kind of felt like that now, except everything wasn’t spinning around him this time. It was just _crushing_ him instead, slowly getting heavier and heavier until he could barely move at all. The air burnt on its way out of his chest and Ashton was _still_ trying to catch his breath when someone came hurtling out of an alley to the older boy’s right and crashed straight into him, sending him flying.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ashton mumbled as his eyes fluttered open. He swore again when he saw Luke staring down at him, his cheeks flaming with embarrassment as he bit his lip, tugging at his lip ring unconsciously.

“Ashton?!” the younger boy demanded, his ocean blue eyes widening as he quickly took in the older boy’s mussed curls and cheap school uniform. His beautiful – _no_ , not beautiful, damnit! – eyes flickered to something on Ashton’s forehead and Luke swore softly. “Shit, are you okay? You’re bleeding!” He suddenly seemed to realise he was acting like a mother hen because his face hardened a little and he backed away. “I – I mean, you should really watch where you’re going…”

Ashton got to his feet stiffly, hesitantly touching a sore spot on his forehead with his fingertip and hissing when it came away slick with blood. “Is this another case of ‘ _Do as I say, not as I do_ ’?” Ashton asked nastily and he couldn’t even bring himself to feel bad because Luke was a _dick_.

The blond boy’s shoulders slumped and he crouched down fluidly to pick Ashton’s backpack up off the ground.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a long moment. Ashton accepted his bag with a murmured thanks and tugged it back up onto his shoulder again as he tried to ignore the dull throb of pain pounding in his forehead now. He was going to have quite a mark tomorrow. “I… I’m _s-sorry_.”

Ashton didn’t know what to do because Luke’s voice cracked and Ashton _hated_ Luke… didn’t he?

“Um…” The older boy swallowed uncomfortably when Luke’s eyes flickered down to his face, desperation evident in them. “I… I was just walking home… uh… this way…” Luke simply watched him, his piercing eyes never leaving Ashton’s.

The older boy felt like he was out of his depth, like his feet were barely brushing the sand of the seabed as the waves crashed down over him, threatening to drag him away into the deep, choking water, never to be seen again.

Luke’s quiet: “Do you mind if I walk with you?” was the coastguard dragging Ashton out of the water again, to some place safe, maybe.

“Not at all,” Ashton stammered although that wasn’t _really_ true.

The blond Kings student never ceased to confuse him and Ashton _really_ didn’t know what to make of the younger boy as they started walking again, both heading in the same direction. He was certainly a puzzle, that was for sure.

“It’s Hemmings, by the way,” Luke announced suddenly and Ashton looked up sharply, his surprise written all over his face. Both boys were so distracted that neither noticed that the other seemed to be following him home. “My surname,” Luke elaborated, like it was important that Ashton should know. “I’m Luke Hemmings.”

“Oh,” Ashton said and the faint warning bells he could hear ringing in his head only made his headache worse. “I’m Ashton Irwin.”

Luke stopped walking and he looked at Ashton slowly, his mouth hanging open a little bit. Ashton half-wanted to snap at him to close it but, somehow, he managed to resist.

“You’re not living with your grandparents as of two weeks ago, are you?” Luke blurted out and Ashton nodded slowly, his face paling as something truly _horrible_ occurred to him.

“Luke, do you have two brothers?” he asked in a whisper. Luke pressed his lips together in a thin line and nodded, his face grey.

“Oh _fuck_ ,” Luke mumbled, not quietly enough. “It sounds like our families have met each other already.” The older boy’s heart sunk in his chest.

Fate was _cruel_ sometimes.

“Looks like we’re neighbours now then,” Luke sighed and the sarcastic little: “ _fantastic_ ” that he tagged onto the end did absolutely _nothing_ to make the curly-haired boy feel any better.

Ashton actually felt a lot like he was going to be _sick_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this was okay...  
> I'm not too happy with this fic in general at the moment but, nonetheless, it's planned out so I'll keep trying...  
> Please let me know what you think.  
> Also, someone expressed some confusion as to why Ashton disliked Luke so much so I thought I'd clear that up now:  
> Ashton hated Luke at first because Luke was richer than him, seemingly didn’t have stuff to worry about, and was just a smug little shit really.   
> He doesn’t REALLY hate him of course and is probably just feeling vulnerable… At least that was what I was going for…


	33. Wanderlust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton only stopped when he began to feel light-headed, clamping a handful of tissues over the bleeding cuts and slowly looking up, his hazel eyes tired and empty and sad._  
>  _They widened fractionally when he saw a pale face staring at him from the opposite, upstairs window of the house next door._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angsty angsty angsty angst

**_What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead._ **

**_Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper._ **

_\- Drown, Bring Me The Horizon_

 

When Ashton stepped out of the shower that night and crossed the landing in the dressing gown his grandparents had bought him, he was entirely focused on the itch of his wrists that meant the cuts were healing.

Ashton didn’t want them to heal. Or, rather, he knew they _shouldn’t_ heal. They didn’t deserve to heal. _He_ didn’t deserve to let them heal.

Maybe that was why Ashton didn’t pay closer attention to what was going on outside of his little bubble of self-hatred and destruction.

He just shut the bedroom door carefully behind him, effectively blocking out the sound of the television downstairs that the little ones and his grandparents were watching, and crossed the room to the desk that sat underneath one of two large bay windows.

He opened the top drawer and found the blade from the pencil sharpener tucked away at the back, folded up neatly in a tissue. Ashton withdrew it carefully but it was dark enough that he couldn’t even see the glint of the metal in the bedroom and, frowning, Ashton opened the curtains for the first time since he’d moved in.

Moonlight streamed in through the panes of glass, illuminating the room in dark blues and silvery hues. It would have been beautiful if it hadn’t looked like a prison… if he hadn’t felt like he was falling apart.

Ashton had never had wanderlust before but, in that moment, he finally understood what it felt like.

He wanted to visit new places and breathe fresh air and just _run_ from everything. He wanted to sprint and stumble and fall and carry _on_ running, and he never, _ever_ wanted to stop because, if he ran away fast enough, just maybe he’d be able to leave all of his troubles behind him.

He’d never _get_ to of course because he knew himself too well.

He knew he would never be able to _bear_ leaving the little ones when they were still so young, when they still _needed_ him for some reason he couldn’t quite fathom, so Ashton would stay. He would remain here and he would exist until it was too late for him to continue.

The bite of the blade against his soft skin didn’t have the same effect as usual as he stood shaking in front of the window, his legs locked in an effort to remain upright as he cut again and again and again.

Ashton only stopped when he began to feel light-headed, clamping a handful of tissues over the bleeding cuts and slowly looking up, his hazel eyes tired and empty and sad.

They widened fractionally when he saw a pale face staring at him from the opposite, upstairs window of the house next door.

Ashton was still too numb to react in any way, besides pulling the curtains shut jerkily at once, but it took a long time for Luke Hemmings’ frightened face to fade from his mind.

Ashton didn’t get much sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some relationships can properly start to develop!  
> It took me long enough... sorry about that...


	34. Small Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton froze when he saw what was waiting for him in the garage because, inside, was the most beautiful drum kit he had ever seen._  
>  _It looked like the instruments he’d seen in the glossy pictures in Mrs. McKay’s ‘Best Drummers That Ever Lived’ book. Ashton thought maybe he was going to cry._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to write something with no angst and I'd already planned this chapter out so I adjusted the timeline a little - and voila!  
> Much less angst than usual...  
> I hope you enjoy!

**_There been times when I thought I couldn't last for long,_ **

**_But now I think I'm able to carry on._ **

_\- A Change Is Gonna Come, Sam Cooke_

 

By late March, autumn was well and truly underway and, although not much was different, there were _some_ changes that had occurred over the last two months in the new house.

Some were small things, like Lauren joining the dance club at school and Harry starting football because he “ _wanted to be just like his big brother_ ” – Ashton would do everything in his power to make sure this was _not_ the case for either of his siblings, like, _ever_ – but some changes were bigger.

Ashton thought Jane might have had something to do with it actually. She’d come for another visit a month after they’d moved in which would apparently be the last one until they hit the six month mark, and she’d been asking Ashton about hobbies and what he liked to do in his spare time again.

Strangely enough, a week later when Ashton walked home from school (and sure, maybe Luke _was_ walking along behind him on the other side of the road but he wasn’t _ignoring_ the blond boy; he just had headphones in and, okay, maybe his phone _had_ died at lunchtime so he wasn’t actually listening to anything but nobody _else_ needed to know that), he had been greeted by the sight of his grandpa waiting for him on the front steps that led up to their impressive house.

One of three garages was open and his grandpa walked forwards when he spotted his oldest grandson, a big smile lighting up his wrinkled face and making his eyes twinkle.

“What’re you doing outside?” Ashton asked curiously, ducking his head a little and smiling despite himself when his grandpa ruffled his hair. “What’s with the garage?”

“Why don’t you go and see for yourself?” the old man asked brightly and a short peal of laughter escaped the curly-haired boy before he could stop it.

“What’s going on?” Ashton wondered aloud but he set his heavy backpack down on the bottom step, stretching his aching muscles out – football training was really tough at the moment and Calum was working them hard because they had a big game coming up that they couldn’t afford to lose – before he walked in the direction his grandpa was gesturing in.

Ashton froze when he saw what was waiting for him in the garage because, inside, was the most beautiful drum kit he had ever _seen_.

It looked like the instruments he’d seen in the glossy pictures in Mrs. McKay’s ‘ _Best Drummers That Ever Lived_ ’ book. Ashton thought maybe he was going to cry.

“I…” Ashton tore his gaze away from the drum kit unwillingly and saw his grandpa standing close behind him, his expression a curious mixture of hope and worry and love, with just a hint of sadness. Ashton thought he might know how George felt.

“I… I don’t think I can accept this…” the curly-haired boy half-whispered, _hating_ himself for saying what was necessary. He didn’t deserve this.

It was almost like his grandpa knew what he was thinking.

“ _Nonsense_ ,” George said and, although his dark eyes flashed, his voice was soft and Ashton didn’t flinch. “Your grandmother and I have _far_ too much money, and not a whole lot to spend it on. You _deserve_ this gift, Ashton, and a lot more besides. I would strongly encourage you to reconsider.”

Ashton laughed at that because he’d said it in the sort of tone Mrs. McKay might use if Ashton had declined playing the drums on a particularly bad day.

“B-but…” Ashton stammered, his hazel eyes widening a little as he took in the shiny new drum kit in front of him. He saw the new drumsticks lying carefully on the seat and his fingers itched to touch them, to just pick them up and start _playing_ again because this was something that Ashton _loved_. “But it’s so expensive,” Ashton whispered.

His grandpa’s face softened and his brown eyes gave a familiar twinkle.

“Then you’ll just have to pay me back for it when you’re famous,” he joked, a smile curving his lips. “Deal?”

Ashton gave a watery smile and, suddenly, he was enveloped in the old man’s arms. He smelt like mint and coconut-flavoured soap, and tears welled up in Ashton’s burning eyes. He blinked them back quickly.

“Deal,” he choked out.

George smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!  
> I hope that wasn't too awful!  
> I wanna hug George. Also Ashton. Like, a lot.


	35. Jagged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton remembered making Harry and Lauren wait in the hall as he cleaned up and he remembered how one particularly jagged piece slipped and sliced his finger open, and how it hurt enough that he didn’t even feel the need to cut that day._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaand we're back to some more angst.  
> Sorry.  
> (But there is _some_ non-angst in this so that's better, right? Also sorry I kept going on about lasagne. I'm just really hungry today I think...)  
>  Enjoy!

**_'Til all my sleeves are stained red,_ **

**_From all the truth that I've said,_ **

**_Come by it honestly I swear._ **

_\- Secrets, One Republic_

 

Grace had made lasagne for dinner and Ashton couldn’t help but relish the fact that he didn’t need to try and split his meal up so that there was enough for three people. It was strange not going to bed hungry but he appreciated it all the same.

“Do you want seconds, dear?” Grace asked her grandson as she proffered the glass dish with a hopeful smile on her face. Ashton glanced at his grandpa, hesitating for a few moments, and his nan laughed and loaded some more onto his plate. “There we go then,” she said with a smile as she settled back in her seat. “You know, it’s nice to have someone who eats what I give them every night instead of complaining about the herbs I use.”

She shot her husband a dirty look but Ashton saw how her eyes were gleaming and the way her lips twitched as she tried not to smile, still pretending to be irritated with him.

‘ _I want that,_ ’ Ashton realised suddenly and it shocked him. ‘ _I want someone who I can be like that with_.’

“– now, Grace! There was some thyme caught in my dentures and –”

Grace snorted derisively at that which resulted in her choking on her drink and George jumping up to help her, and the statement was only reaffirmed in Ashton’s mind, even as he sank down a little in his seat.

‘ _It’s never going to happen_.’

He gloomily chewed a forkful of pasta and it was only George sitting back down heavily in his chair and Grace looking a little embarrassed that shook him out of it.

“I was thinking actually,” Grace began and George interjected a quiet: “ _While you were choking or before that_?” that the old woman pointedly ignored. “– and I wondered if you would perhaps like to decorate the garage with your drum kit in?” she suggested.

Ashton looked up at her with wide eyes. George nodded at Ashton encouragingly. So they’d already talked about this.

“Well, I only thought that you’ll probably be spending a fair bit of time out there so you’d probably like to make it more… well… _yours_.” Grace helped herself to some more salad, pausing when she heard Lauren and Harry’s raised voices coming from the living room and only relaxing when she heard their laughter.

“It’s just that... I noticed you don’t seem to have decorated your bedroom very much at all,” she said delicately and Ashton looked down, biting his lip. “I simply wondered if perhaps you’d rather decorate the garage instead. We could get you some posters of those bands you like – what are they called? ‘ _Mean Day_ ’, isn’t it?”

Now it was Ashton’s turn to choke on his drink and George smiled triumphantly.

“I _told_ you he didn’t like that band!” the old man exclaimed excitedly as he reached over to thump Ashton on the back. The curly-haired boy’s chest cleared and he hid a laugh behind his hands as an overwhelming fondness overcame him.

“I do like them actually,” he said and George slumped slightly as Grace smirked, like the cat who got the cream. Ashton’s words took on a lightly-teasing tone as he continued. “And it’s _Green_ Day actually so… yeah…”

He gave the proposal a bit more thought as Grace suddenly became very interested in her dinner, her cheeks flaming, and George got distracted by the little ones’ laughter from the other room.

“I… I think I’d really like that actually,” he admitted and his grandparents smiled at him, relieved. “If… you know… if that’s okay.”

“Of course it is, Ashton,” Grace said, apparently kind enough not to do the whole: ‘ _I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t okay_ ’ thing that most of his teachers liked to do when he hesitated.

“I’m just pleased we’ve finally managed to find ways to fill the two spare garages up,” George said casually, exchanging a look with his wife before they both looked at Ashton as his lips parted in confusion.

“So… what’s the second garage going to be used for then?” he asked before he finished the last mouthful of lasagne, raising his hands quickly in a polite declination when Grace leant forwards eagerly with the glass dish again.

“Well, I presume you’re going to want to park your new car in it,” George said and Ashton actually slumped back in his chair for a moment, his eyes wide with shock.

“I… what… when… I… _what_?!” Admittedly, it wasn’t the most coherent Ashton had ever been. Whatever, he wasn't proud of it. “I… a _car_?! You… you got _me_ a _car_?!”

George looked anxious then, like he was remembering how Ashton had almost refused to accept his drum kit earlier in the week, and quickly said: “Of course, we’ll want you to help out sometimes, what with collecting Lauren and Harry from clubs and school occasionally, and sometimes maybe shopping or my hospital appointments if your grandmother is using the car, but for the most part, you should be free to use it whenever.”

Ashton actually relaxed a little as those rules were set in place because it made him feel a lot less selfish somehow. Grace smiled at him hopefully and George dared to relax a little, and Ashton ruined it all with six words.

“But I haven’t got my license.”

His grandparents wore identical expressions of confusion and mild shock.

“What are you talking about, Ashton?” Grace asked briskly, setting her cutlery down on her plate carefully. “You drove the little ones to visit us just three or four months ago, before…”

“That was because mum couldn’t really… well… _drive_ at the time…” Ashton said, remembering pale skin and closed eyes and the smell of wine hanging thickly on the air as broken glass from the bottle crunched beneath his trainers.

Ashton remembered making Harry and Lauren wait in the hall as he cleaned up and he remembered how one particularly jagged piece slipped and sliced his finger open, and how it hurt enough that he didn’t even feel the need to _cut_ that day. He had just pressed down on it hard instead.

“I… I thought it would be better if the little ones were with you two so I drove them here,” Ashton said, shrugging like it meant nothing as he kept his eyes fixed on the scar on his finger. It was funny but he’d forgotten about it until now. He had too many scars.

“So… so you drove without a license?” George asked with his brows pulled together. Ashton jerked his head up sharply to look at his grandpa, worried that the old man would be angry. He just looked confused and sad.

“I… I’d practiced a lot before…” Ashton’s cheeks flushed suddenly and he sat up a little straighter. “And there’s no _way_ I would have driven if it wasn’t safe for Harry and Lauren,” he said, a bit coldly, and Grace looked taken aback. George sighed softly.

“I would never suggest that, Ashton,” he said quietly and he looked older, like the conversation had aged him somehow.

Ashton slumped down in his seat again and Grace took over quickly.

“Well then, let’s book you some lessons this evening, alright? We’ll get you some theory books too so you can read up on them and, if you’ve already been practicing –” A muscle in her jaw twitched and, although she _did_ look angry, Ashton had a feeling that it wasn’t aimed at him but rather at her _daughter_ instead. “– then hopefully you’ll be able to take a test in a few months time. How does that sound?”

“That… that would be amazing,” Ashton said softly, quietly. _Emptily_. “Thank you.”

The rest of dinner passed in an uncomfortable silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this update was okay!  
> Please let me know what you thought with comments and kudos as they mean the world!  
> Thank you :)


	36. A Deer In The Headlights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _His mother’s face swam before his eyes – gaunt, pale, tired – and he wanted to stop because his stomach was churning and he felt_ sick _at the thought of seeing her after so many months of trying to keep her out of his head._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are changing and developing in the story soon so this is the last chapter where not _too_ much stuff happens (which just sounds really bad. i mean you're not going to get LOADS of different stuff in this chapter, just one main thing. uh.... okay...)  
>  enjoy please and thank you

**_Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive._ **

**_Save me from myself, don't let me drown._ **

_\- Drown, Bring Me The Horizon_

 

Ashton didn’t know what made him do it.

All he knew was that the school bell was ringing and he was telling Calum and Michael that he’d take the long way home instead, so that he could spend more time with them, and then Ashton had walked along in silence between them while the younger two forced a conversation that sounded _so_ awkward it even managed to filter through the fog clouding Ashton’s brain.

Michael said goodbye to them both and took off sharpish when they reached the road him and Calum lived on but, instead of following behind him like he usually did, the younger boy hesitated, his dark eyes fixed on Ashton’s tense face.

“You’re not going… back _there_ … are you?” Calum asked and his chocolate brown eyes were sincere. “Because I don’t think that would be good for you, bud…”

“I won’t,” Ashton promised and he wondered if he was lying. Calum didn’t look convinced but he gave Ashton’s shoulder a gentle squeeze before he turned away and started off down the road after Michael, his shoulders bowed like he was carrying a great weight.

Ashton thought he knew how he felt.

He waited until Calum and Michael had disappeared into their houses before he turned away and continued down the tree-lined road. His trainer caught on the edge of a paving stone and he realised that it was starting to peel, like his old shoes had been. It made him feel younger somehow, that memory. More vulnerable.

‘ _This is a bad idea_ ,’ he realised but his feet simply carried him forwards.

His mother’s face swam before his eyes – gaunt, pale, tired – and he wanted to stop because his stomach was churning and he felt _sick_ at the thought of seeing her after so many months of trying to keep her out of his head.

He couldn’t do this. It felt _wrong_ somehow.

Ashton regained control of himself when he was halfway up the front drive and something stopped him. He peered through the dark windows, fighting not to bolt because he could feel the hairs rising on his arms and it felt _scary_ to be back somewhere that he’d always hated so much, but it wasn’t until the blinds twitched, as though someone had walked past them and stirred the air, that he ran away, panic-stricken and gasping for breath.

And, despite how he had dawdled with Michael and Calum, and lingered frozen in front of his old house like a deer in the headlights, he had still somehow managed to beat Luke back home.

And living with his grandparents and the little ones - and being next door to Luke - _did_ feel like that now.

 _ **Home**_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this update was okay!  
> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> Also, are you guys picking up on any hints I've been leaving? They have to do with a certain character who is _fairly_ central to the story... I was going to give you a clue but actually I think I'll just say this: _It's only going to make you hate me more_.  
>  Right, on that note, until next time! :P


	37. Bird's Nest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Remind me again why I’m friends with you,” Calum muttered, and he was probably aiming for a joke if the slight smirk on his face was anything to go by but it fell woefully flat when Michael's smile slipped away. Ashton wished he knew what was going on with them._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna cuddle Calum so bad, oh my god <3

**_There's no argument -_ **

**_Fairness is a ghost._ **

**_There's no argument -_ **

**_It is a rare bird at the most._ **

_\- No Argument, Sleeping At Last_

 

Ashton’s hands were shaking but it was with adrenaline. He was still dressed in his football kit, there was mud smeared across both knees, and he was pretty sure he’d managed to open up one of the cuts on his wrist after he’d flung his arm out to stop the football, but he was bouncing on the balls of his feet and he felt lighter than he had in a long time.

“I can’t believe we won!” he exclaimed for maybe the fifth time in ten minutes and Michael looked up with a warm, relieved look on his face.

“Well, you better believe it, champ!” the younger boy grinned and he mussed Ashton’s hair until it closely resembled a bird’s nest. “That last save you did was _awesome_ – I mean, I could tell that and I don’t even _like_ football!”

“Remind me again why I’m friends with you,” Calum muttered, and he was probably aiming for a joke if the slight smirk on his face was anything to go by but it fell woefully flat when Michael's smile slipped away. Ashton wished he knew what was going on with them.

“Do you two wanna come round and play FIFA?” Michael asked hurriedly when Calum opened his mouth to speak. Ashton mulled it over silently and shrugged. As long as he let his grandparents know, it shouldn’t matter. He wasn’t working a shift tonight – and Ashton didn’t know _why_ he hadn’t quit his job at the garage; it just felt important to keep working for some reason – and the little ones didn’t need to be picked up from anywhere.

“Sure,” Ashton agreed and they both looked at Calum awkwardly. He gave an uneasy shrug, sniffing hard.

“Whatever, I’m not busy,” he muttered, his eyes a few shades too bright. “But I’m going home to shower first. I’m all muddy.”

“Sure, come round whenever then,” Michael said before he glanced at the oldest boy. “Ash, you can shower at mine if you like. I don’t think mum will let you in the house otherwise…”

Ashton laughed at that and thanked Michael but Calum kept his gaze fixed on the ground before he mumbled something about going home to wash up and jogged away.

Ashton gave Calum a long look as the youngest boy left, his hazel eyes curious and a touch concerned until he realised that Calum must just be tired and stressed after the football. It _had_ been a close win after all and he was probably just worried about their next game, or maybe just the slight awkwardness of his relationship with Michael nowadays.

‘ _Yes_ ,’ Ashton thought and, although it didn’t exactly _comfort_ him, he felt his anxiety begin to ebb away. ‘ _Yes, that had to be it._ ’

Calum was pretty calm and collected usually, certainly not the type to let things build up and bother him – at least not by _Ashton’s_ way of thinking – so things would be alright.

It would probably all blow over soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep writing fucking angst... this was supposed to be a happy chapter and i screwed it up damnit!  
> But please let me know what you think :)


	38. Fall Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton stroked Calum’s dark hair away from his forehead gently. It was soft and fluffy from his shower and it made a lump rise in Ashton’s throat for some reason that he couldn’t quite explain. He glanced up through his watery eyes and saw Michael watching longingly._  
>  _“When’re you going to stop pretending that everything’s okay between you two, Mikey?” Ashton murmured and he was pleasantly surprised when his voice didn’t crack. “Because it clearly isn’t.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to update - I've been ill this weekend and I was also working on my Mashton oneshot so I was a little distracted. Anyway, I'm back now and I'll try to keep updating as frequently, although I still don't feel 100% so updates might be a little bit slower at the moment.  
> Enjoy :)

**_Can't keep living with a feeling that I'm giving up everything for you._ **

_\- Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don't), All Time Low_

 

Ashton’s hair was still wet from his shower but it was beginning to curl up as he snuggled down on the bed between Michael and Calum in one of the red-haired boy’s oversized jumpers. He’d had to wrap his wrist in toilet paper because it _had_ started to bleed again and he didn’t want to ruin someone else’s clothes but Ashton felt surprisingly calm as he settled down between his two best friends.

Calum’s cheeks were flushed red as he looked around the room but Ashton wrote that off as the water having been too hot in the younger boy’s shower. Michael was still setting their FIFA game up and Ashton let his attention wander. He’d never really liked the game much anyway but he was so grateful that they were including him that there was no _way_ he’d turn down an offer to play it.

Calum looked sleepy despite his stress and Ashton put his arm around the youngest boy hesitantly as the three of them sat there and waited for the game to load, keeping his grip purposefully weak enough that Calum could pull away if he wanted to.

Apparently he didn’t want to.

He gave a little sniff that Ashton almost didn’t hear and burrowed down beside him, curling up into a little ball and resting his head on Ashton’s thigh as Michael hesitated before passing Ashton the spare controller.

The older boy was going to complain and say that Calum should have a turn first – because Calum _always_ played FIFA with Michael first and he didn’t like the unsettled tension he could feel charging the air, like electricity almost – but Michael just shook his head and nodded towards the youngest boy, and Ashton saw with no small amount of surprise that the football captain was already seemingly fast asleep.

“Oh,” Ashton murmured and, almost without meaning to, he stroked Calum’s dark hair away from his forehead gently. It was soft and fluffy from his shower and it made a lump rise in Ashton’s throat for some reason that he couldn’t quite explain. He glanced up through his watery eyes and saw Michael watching longingly.

“When’re you going to stop pretending that everything’s okay between you two, Mikey?” Ashton murmured and he was pleasantly surprised when his voice didn’t crack. “Because it _clearly_ isn’t.”

“It’s _fine_ ,” Michael argued in a hiss, keeping his voice purposefully low enough that he wouldn’t wake Calum. “Look, I’ve done everything I can do now. I told him how I felt and then we tried to talk again that night we got coffee but it was _so_ awkward and… I just… I’m tired of it, okay? He _clearly_ wants to forget that night at the party ever happened and I’m not going to stop him, Ash.”

Calum tensed beside Ashton and, thinking that the youngest boy was having a bad dream or something, Ashton rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.

“But you said you were in love with him,” the curly-haired boy whispered to Michael and he wasn’t sure _why_ it felt so important to bring this up again now, only that it absolutely was. “You _fell_ in love with him. Is it really so easy to write it all off?”

Calum stopped his restless shifting and Ashton found himself holding his breath as he waited for Michael to speak. His eyes were as red as his hair as he fought to keep his tears in and Ashton’s heart broke for him.

“I don’t care about it anymore,” Michael said roughly and it was only the raw _agony_ in his green eyes that let Ashton know that he was lying. Anyone who was just listening could have been forgiven for believing that he meant it. “If I fell in love with Calum, I can fall out of it just as easily.” Michael swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I don’t care anymore,” he repeated.

Ashton and Michael didn’t see the way Calum’s hands curled into fists as his nails bit into his palms. They didn’t notice the single tear that rolled down the youngest boy’s cheek as he lay there, feigning sleep.

Ashton simply leant forwards, careful not to jostle Calum, and wrapped his arm around Michael’s shoulders comfortingly.

When he heard a sniff as someone tried not to cry, Ashton could be forgiven for thinking that it was Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this update wasn't too terrible!  
> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> Thank you for sticking around though and I hope this was worth the wait - lots of you have been asking for more Malum and I just want to say that, sure, things seem pretty hopeless now but they might not _always_ be? That's the only clue you're getting...


	39. Whirlwind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“It’s my fault,” Calum whispered, without inflection, and then he was gone from the room in a whirlwind of movement that left Ashton’s head spinning._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have too many emotions.  
> Remind me not to write fic when I'm ill and sad because it just ends badly for my characters.  
> Sorry in advance...

**_Sleep where you lay,_ **

**_Still a trace of innocence on the pillow case._ **

_\- No Control, One Direction_

 

Despite what Michael had said earlier, Ashton kept catching glimpses of Michael glancing at Calum with nothing but _love_ in his eyes before he quickly looked away again. Ashton had to distract himself during those moments as he silently told the little voice in his head that wanted someone to look at _him_ that way to shut up.

It was darker outside the window now but nothing much had changed. Michael was still playing FIFA and Calum was still lying curled stiffly beside Ashton on the bed. The oldest boy could feel himself falling asleep and he kept jerking awake, his eyes wide as he inevitably knocked the wrong button on the controller.

“You’re not really into this, are you?” Michael asked with a wry smile that only looked a _little_ bit forced. Ashton smiled weakly and Michael ended the game.   

“What time did you tell your nan you were leaving again?” Michael asked and Ashton pretended to be offended. Michael grinned. “Shut up, you idiot,” he said, giving Ashton’s shoulder a light shove. “I was just wondering.”

Ashton smiled slightly, checking the time on the clock that sat on Michael’s bedside table. “I’ll probably leave in like twenty minutes, I guess... How come?”

“Just wondered,” Michael said and he fell quiet, crossing his legs at the ankle as they both stared at the dark TV screen.

“Mike?” Ashton asked hesitantly, so tired now that the adrenaline from the football game had worn off that he wasn’t really thinking anymore.

“Yes?” Michael asked carefully, glancing at Ashton out of the corner of his eye. He probably would have made a joke of it before, playing along, but now he looked worried and it upset Ashton that it had come to this.

“How did you know you liked boys as well as girls?”

Whatever Michael had been expecting, it clearly wasn’t that. His green eyes widened and he gaped wordlessly at Ashton for a moment before his brain restarted.

“Um… I…” Michael stared at Ashton like he was trying to work out if he was joking or not but, after a moment, his jaw dropped. He’d obviously seen the truth on Ashton’s face. “I… uh… I kind of _always_ did so… it wasn’t exactly some shocking revelation… Uh… Why do you ask, Ash?”

Ashton suddenly became aware of the fact that he was sitting on one of his best friend’s beds with his _other_ best friend lying asleep almost on top of him, and his hazel eyes widened. ‘ _No secrets left_ ,’ whispered the little voice. Ashton felt sick.

“I… I’ve never really liked a girl before so I wondered if… you know… maybe it was something that had happened to me?”

“It’s not something that just  _happens_ to you, Ash,” Michael disagreed despite himself, his face a few shades paler than was usual in his shock. “It’s just who you _are_ and –” He faltered for a moment when he saw the self-loathing in the oldest boy’s hazel eyes again. “– and that’s _nothing_ to be ashamed of, Ashton.”

“I’ve never even kissed someone before,” Ashton mused quietly in the otherwise silent room. “Not really. Not _properly_ , anyway.” Ashton laughed humourlessly. “God, I’m such a _freak_.”

“No, you’re not, Ashton! You’re _not_!” Michael argued, his eyes distressed now. He sounded upset and Calum shifted beside Ashton. “Don’t say things like that! _Please_!” the red-haired boy said in a much softer tone. “I… Why didn’t you ever _say_ anything? To me _or_ Cal? I… _Why_?”

“Thought you’d judge me,” Ashton said and he shrugged half-heartedly, like he hadn’t just hurt his two best friends – his _only_ friends – by saying that. “Stupid, I know, but…”

“I can’t _believe_ you didn’t tell us… You kept it a secret? This _whole_ time?!”

Ashton stared because Michael’s mouth was still hanging open but those words hadn’t been his.

“ _Calum_?” he blurted out, surprised, and the youngest boy sat up sharply, his hair a mess and his expression tight. His eyes were _far_ too alert for someone who had supposedly been sleeping until a few seconds before.

Ashton felt his heart sink in his chest.

“You don’t have to be a dick about it, Cal,” Michael muttered, looking floored. Apparently he’d had the same realisation as Ashton had had too.

“Oh yes, because _I’m_ the dick!” Calum retorted and suddenly he was shouting. “Because it’s always _my_ fucking fault! It’s _my_ fault you got drunk and told me you fucking _loved_ me! It’s _my_ fault that you wouldn’t talk to me for fucking _weeks_ afterwards so I never got to tell you how _I_ fucking felt! It’s _my_ fault Ashton cut his fucking wrists to shreds because he hates himself and nothing we say will ever convince him that he’s _g-good_ enough!”

Calum’s voice cracked and he pressed his mouth shut tightly. Tears spilled from his closed eyes and Ashton just _stared_ , feeling a lot like Calum had just punched him in the gut. All of the air had gone from his lungs.

“It’s my fault,” Calum whispered, without inflection, and then he was gone from the room in a whirlwind of movement that left Ashton’s head spinning.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Michael choked out as his tears boiled over and burnt down his cheeks but Ashton barely heard him past the blood thundering in his ears.

‘ _My fault_.’ Calum’s words repeated themselves in his head but Ashton knew that the blame didn’t lie with _Calum_ for all of their problems. ‘ _It’s my fault_.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, I _did_ want this to happen because I've planned it all out but it was _so_ much more angsty than I'd intended...  
>  Uh... sorry about that...  
> Please let me know what you think...


	40. Slowly Darkened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Did you wanna talk about your problems?”_  
>  _“No,” Luke said swiftly and Ashton shrugged, trying to convince himself that he didn’t care that Luke wasn’t happy (except he_ did _care. He really, _really_ did)._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much angst... I'm so sorry!!  
> But hey, Luke makes an appearance again... so that's _something_... right?

**_Like the sun that saves the night,_ **

**_Bursting through a darkened sky._ **

_\- Glow, Ella Henderson_

 

Ashton’s day went from bad to worse as he walked home numbly that night because of _course_ Luke Hemmings was walking home at the same time as him.

“Ashton?” Luke asked blankly as he exited the alley and saw the older boy trudging home with Michael’s jumper hanging off one shoulder as he shivered. “Ashton, wait up!”

Ashton was filled with a sense of _dread_ when he saw Luke but he couldn’t remember why at first. It had to have been almost two months since he’d last spoken to the boy and –

_Moonlight. Trapped. Wanderlust. Wrists. Blood. Curtains open. **Luke**._

“ _Shit_ ,” Ashton gasped and he tripped over his own feet as he stumbled backwards, away from Luke. The blond boy caught his wrist to keep him upright and Ashton hissed, wrenching his arm from the boy’s grip as the cuts he’d knocked during football started to bleed anew.

“Go away!” Ashton pleaded, pulling his backpack up onto his shoulder again and hurrying off. Luke followed him, catching up with the older boy easily because his strides were longer. “ _Please_ , Luke!”

“Ashton, _stop_!” Luke cried exasperatedly and he caught the older boy’s shoulder warily as he pulled him to a stop. Ashton didn’t put up a fight. “I… I just…”

Luke fell silent, biting his lip and tugging at the lip-ring as his ocean blue eyes scanned Ashton’s face, taking in the pain he could see on the older boy’s face and letting it cloud his piercing eyes.

“You’ve been avoiding me for _months_ ,” Luke breathed suddenly and Ashton jerked his head up to look at the younger boy. He was surprised by the sadness he saw buried in Luke’s beautiful eyes – and who had Ashton been trying to kid all these months? Of _course_ they were beautiful.

“Sorry,” Ashton choked out, his knuckles whitening as he gripped his backpack straps _far_ too tightly. He could feel the tissues sticking to his wrist as it continued to bleed. “I… you _saw_ …”

“So what?” Luke said and Ashton stared at him, his mouth hanging open in shock. Luke gave a small shrug before he slowly started walking again. Almost without meaning to, Ashton fell into step beside him. “Doesn’t change me wanting to see you. I was just _worried_. Like, _fuck_ , Ashton. I’ve been worried _sick_!”

“I… I don’t…” Ashton couldn’t understand why Luke _cared_. He was rich and good-looking – _damnit_ – and probably clever so why would he bother with someone like _Ashton_? He was poor and plain and _stupid_ and… everything Luke _wasn’t_.

“You don’t see it, do you?” Luke murmured and there was amazement in his voice but not the kind that was particularly positive. “I… Look, I _care_ about you, Ashton, and –”

“You can’t care about me,” Ashton said, surprised at both himself and Luke. “You don’t even _know_ me. Not _really_.”

“You don’t have to know _everything_ about someone to know that you care about them,” Luke countered and Ashton scoffed at that, because denying Luke’s claim was a _lot_ less painful than the alternative. He couldn’t let himself believe that someone _else_ cared about him because then he would do to Luke what he’d done to Calum. He’d hurt him and tear him up inside until _he_ didn’t want to be with him anymore too. Ashton thought he'd probably already started to do that to Michael and it terrified him.

He’d have _no one_ left soon, probably.

Luke looked disheartened as he walked along beside Ashton but he kept glancing over towards the older boy when he thought he wasn’t looking, his blue eyes sad as they took in the emptiness in Ashton’s.

“You’re such an idiot, Irwin,” Luke muttered, more to himself than anything, and Ashton was shocked when he heard the fondness in the younger boy’s voice. His step faltered for a moment but he quickly caught up with Luke.

“Thanks,” he said and Luke snorted.

“What? For calling you an idiot? It was my pleasure, you weirdo…”

“Seriously though,” Ashton said and the faint smile that had appeared on his lips quickly vanished. “This would have been the first conversation where you didn’t insult me otherwise.” Ashton smiled grimly. “That would have been a bit _too_ much I think, especially after the day I’ve had.”

“You want to talk about it?” Luke asked carefully, looking down at the smaller boy with an expression on his face that Ashton couldn’t quite comprehend.

“Nope,” Ashton said and his voice totally _didn’t_ wobble. “Why?” he continued quickly, keen to distract Luke. “Did you wanna talk about _your_ problems?”

“No,” Luke said swiftly and Ashton shrugged, trying to convince himself that he didn’t _care_ that Luke wasn’t happy (except he _did_ care. He really, _really_ did).

“Let’s go home then,” Luke sighed and he gave Ashton’s hand a squeeze before he dropped it to adjust his satchel. Ashton sighed softly as he felt the hopelessness well up inside him and he dropped off the edge once more.

It was a bit like jumping into a deep, cold sea and discovering that you couldn’t swim. Ashton could feel himself sinking down, down, _down_ through the freezing water as everything slowly darkened and his breath stilled in his lungs, and there was no one left to pull him back up.

Luke gripped his hand again then, tightly, like maybe he knew how it felt, and treading water had never been so difficult for Ashton, but if Luke’s eyes really _were_ the ocean, maybe Ashton  _wasn’t_ doomed after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry if these updates are terrible... or if this story is really boring or whatever...  
> Please let me know.  
> Thank you x


	41. Hung The Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“He has such a pretty voice,” she whispered in a way that probably didn’t require an answer. Ashton didn’t care though._  
>  _“He does,” he said softly, stunned, and he didn’t see the curious but warm look his little sister shot at him. “The prettiest.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, _really_ loved writing this update, even though it's only gonna cause more angst because there's going to be so much more Lashton character development now and I'm really excited to write it for you guys!

**_I'm like a boat on the water._ **

**_You're the rays on the waves that calm my mind._ **

_- Fool's Gold, One Direction_

 

Ashton’s mobile beeped with a text message as he let himself in and the curly-haired boy paused to take his phone out of his backpack while he kicked his trainers off carefully and set them on the shoe rack in the hallway.

**[From CAL] Received at 18:22**

**hey ash, i… i just wanted to say sorry. i don’t know what the hell that even was and please don’t think any of that was your fault because it really REALLY wasn’t. this is just something me and michael need to work through on our own and it was wrong of me to lose it like that in front of you. i’m sorry and i hope you’re okay. i luv ya ash :***

Ashton felt guilty for still feeling terrible about everything.

He tapped out a reply intended to make Calum feel better and, after a moment’s hesitation, Ashton padded towards the kitchen as his stomach rumbled. He hadn’t eaten anything at lunchtime and he’d only had a cereal bar for breakfast so he was pretty hungry by that point.

Ashton hesitated when he was outside the kitchen door and he was _glad_ he had because he could hear his grandparents talking softly inside the room.

“– and she’s still refusing help apparently,” Grace was saying in a voice of forced detachedness. Ashton knew his nan well enough to realise that she was trying not to cry for her husband’s sake. “And I… I rang her the other day, George, and… I don’t know. It didn’t even sound like _Anne_. How could things have got so bad without us realising?”

Ashton heard a rustle of clothing and he hoped that it was George getting up to hug his wife.

“I don’t know, Grace, but we can only make up for lost time now,” Ashton’s grandpa said in a voice that was _so_ soft, the curly-haired boy almost didn’t hear it through the door. “We can try to give them the best life possible. It’s _not_ a lost cause, Grace,” George promised and Ashton choked on a sob when he heard that George sounded like he was trying to convince _himself_ too. “Don’t cry. Just… _please_ don’t cry.”

Ashton pushed away from the door and ran upstairs to his bedroom, barely acknowledging the greeting Lauren sent him from her bedroom as he hurtled into his own, and pushed the door shut as quickly and quietly as he could.

Ashton threw his backpack onto the bed and tugged at his honey-coloured curls as he struggled for breath. It was too hot in his bedroom, and the air felt thick and stuffy. Ashton stumbled over to the window and pushed it open, putting all of his weight behind it when it resisted before stiffly creaking open.

He guessed no one had tried to open it in a long time. Ashton knew how that felt.

He was reaching to roll his sleeve back so that he could get at the cuts on his wrist when Lauren barged into his room without knocking. Ashton was pretty sure his heart stopped for a second there and he was so relieved that he hadn’t started cutting.

“Ashy? What’re you doing?” Lauren asked quietly when she saw her brother standing frozen in front of his open window.

“Nothing much, Loz,” Ashton lied easily. “You just made me jump. Hey, what’s up, sweetheart?” He opened his arms for her and she darted forwards to hug him tightly.

“Nothing. I just missed you,” she mumbled and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He felt a bit bad. She was probably really bored, what with it being the night where Harry was doing his football training, and he should have been paying her more attention.

“I missed you too, Loz,” Ashton promised before he thought for a moment and climbed up onto the window seat in front of the large bay window. There were cushions scattered on it that Ashton hadn’t noticed before since usually he kept his curtains shut, and it was on these cushions that he relaxed now. “Come on. We’ll have a hug while we wait for dinner to be ready, okay?”

“Okay,” Lauren said softly, scrambling up and settling down, curled up against his chest. He held her close since he didn’t want to risk her falling out of the window or something, and it was as the pair of them sat there in silence that Ashton heard it.

“What is that?” Lauren breathed as she caught the musical notes too. Ashton felt the knot in his chest loosen as the familiar chords washed over him and it reminded him, for a moment, that he had a drum kit in the garage that he’d been neglecting.

“It’s a song called ‘A Drop In The Ocean’,” Ashton told her as he heard skilled fingers dancing over guitar strings. The sky overhead was a deep purplish-blue as the stars began to blink into existence, and the cool breeze that swept across the landscape and through the open window was a welcome relief. “It’s by Ron Pope.”

“Who’s playing it?” Lauren breathed and Ashton couldn’t blame her for keeping her voice low.

There was something almost ethereal about the music and Ashton was loathe to break the silence.

“I think it might be Luke,” he whispered back and, although Lauren looked surprised that her brother did know one of their next door neighbours after all, she didn’t comment because, at that moment, the ocean-eyed boy began to sing.

“ _A drop in the ocean. A change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together_.”

His voice was clear and beautiful and, although the older boy couldn’t even feel the knot in his chest now, Luke still took Ashton’s breath away.

He could see the blond boy through the window now that he knew where to look and there was no denying the easy beauty and grace that Luke exuded, even if the thought of it _did_ send Ashton’s heart racing with fear and something else, something much more terrifying.

Luke was sitting on an armless chair with his side to the window. Ashton took in his profile, the sweeping eyelashes and the slightly upturned nose that he almost wanted to touch, just to see if it felt as pointy as it looked. His eyes were shining in a way Ashton had never _seen_ before and it took Ashton a long moment to realise that he was staring at Luke like he had hung the stars, and even _longer_ to tear his gaze away to look at Lauren who, to her credit, was listening to the song with something like wonder.

“ _It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_.”

The curtains swayed gently in the breeze and Ashton held Lauren closer. She gave a little sigh and rested her head on her older brother’s shoulder as they listened to Luke singing.

“He has such a pretty voice,” she whispered in a way that probably didn’t require an answer. Ashton didn’t care though.

“He does,” he said softly, stunned, and he didn’t see the curious but warm look his little sister levelled at him. “The prettiest.”

Ashton’s head was full of **LukeLukeLuke** and, for once, his stomach _wasn’t_ churning with fear or worry. It was flat and peaceful and still – like a calm ocean – and, when Luke happened to glance to the side and lock eyes with Ashton as he sang the last, melancholy line, all traces of panic left Ashton and he felt something much, _much_ scarier that he tried his hardest not to name.

“ _But I’m holding you closer than most ‘cause you are my heaven_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this wasn't a let down!  
> I just want to write a good fic for you all!  
> Thank you for sticking around <3  
> P.S. Here is a link to Luke's lovely cover of the song: http://merlypops.tumblr.com/post/102883599252  
> (And it's on my tumblr so you could come and say hi if you were feeling particularly charitable...) :)


	42. Unshed Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton couldn’t help but feel that the evening spent listening to Luke sing had changed him somehow._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update was really long for this story so I'm sorry about that!  
> Hopefully it doesn't suck though!  
> Plenty of Lashton going on here...  
> Enjoy! :)

**_Give me therapy._ **

**_I'm a walking travesty,_ **

**_But I'm smiling at everything._ **

_\- Therapy, All Time Low_

 

The next two weeks flew by and, although Calum and Michael seemed to be trying to get along for Ashton’s benefit, it still felt like he could choke on the tension as it lay so thickly in the air surrounding the pair.

He was incredibly grateful when the ball rang to signify the end of fourth lesson that afternoon. Most people – including Michael and Calum – still had a last lesson but Ashton’s foundation maths class had been cancelled due to the teacher being ill so it meant he got to go home early.

Calum said goodbye and Michael said he’d text, and then Ashton was leaving them outside their own maths class for what was sure to be an hour and a half of prolonged, awkward silences and nervous rambling. Ashton wasn’t sad that he was going to miss that.

It was a cool, crisp day outside and, although the sun was shining, it didn’t seem to be doing much to burn through the layer of cloud that had developed at around lunchtime. The wind was rustling through the trees and sending the orange leaves scattering and dancing across the tarmac of the road.

Ashton frowned down at his peeling trainers as he walked along and he knew they wouldn’t last much longer if he kept walking this much in them everyday. Then again, he’d done his driving test the weekend before and he’d passed so, as soon as his license arrived in the post, he’d be able to drive to school.

Ashton grew distracted looking at the passing cars on the quiet, tree-lined road and it was only pure chance that had him looking up and then diving aside as Luke came hurtling out of the usual alleyway once more.

“You _really_ need to stop doing that,” Ashton said as he rubbed his elbow where it had collided with the wall. Luke looked sheepish as he scrambled to his feet, giving the mud and grass stains that now decorated his gym shorts a pained look before he hoisted his bag up onto his shoulder. It was a different one to the satchel he usually carried and the style of it kind of reminded Ashton of the dance bag Lauren had used to carry when he’d managed to save up enough for ballet classes for her when she was younger.

“ _Sorry_ ,” Luke said breathlessly, panting a bit as he doubled over and clutched at a stitch in his side. He looked like he’d just done a workout or something. His blond hair was sticking to his forehead and his school uniform was nowhere to be seen, probably stuffed in his bag somewhere.

“I don’t normally see you at this time of day,” Ashton noted and Luke straightened up, wincing a little before he stretched his leg out, twisting it this way and that. It made an unpleasant cracking noise but Luke looked satisfied as he put his full weight on it once more and carried on.

“No, normally I come straight home at lunchtime,” he said, shrugging half-heartedly. “I’ve got Friday afternoons off but I’ve joined this club at school so…”

“Oh, okay,” Ashton said amiably enough and it was only once the words were out of his mouth that he realised he wasn’t being combative or insulting, even in a _jokey_ way. Ashton couldn’t help but feel that the evening spent listening to Luke sing had changed him somehow. “What club is it?”

Luke mumbled something that sounded a lot like “ _dancing_ ” but, just as Ashton was about to ask the younger boy to repeat it, he decided not to. Luke’s cheeks were flaming in a way Ashton had never seen them before and he looked incredibly uncomfortable.

“I heard you singing a little while back,” Ashton said instead, keeping his voice soft and reassuring, like when he was comforting Harry or Lauren if they’d got upset. Luke looked up at Ashton in surprise before his expression suddenly cleared and he looked sheepish.

“You’re _really_ good,” Ashton said hesitantly and, although Luke looked like he was going to be a dick and say something mean again, he seemed to waver before tentatively changing tact.

“Thank you, Ashton,” Luke said and the tiny smile that had grown on his face withered a little. “Not many would agree with you.”

“Then they’re all idiots,” Ashton said immediately and the surprise on his face was _nothing_ compared to the disbelief on Luke’s.

“You just called my girlfriend an idiot then,” Luke mumbled, more to himself than to Ashton, and the older boy resisted the urge to smile viciously and say “ _good_ ” because he didn’t want to be mean, even if he _was_ secretly pleased.

Ashton shrugged in response and Luke smirked a tiny bit.

“Do you sing?” he asked as they wandered along side by side, their arms brushing together comfortingly like waves rolling across the beach. “Or play any instruments?”

“I kinda know my way around a drum kit,” Ashton said, and felt like a douche. “Um… can’t sing though. Like, Mikey said I could once but… no. No singing.”

“Well, I’d still like to hear you sometime,” Luke said, a small but encouraging smile curving his lips. “Soon, hopefully.” Ashton shrugged but, truthfully, he wasn’t so sure. Drumming (and _definitely_ singing, since he didn’t really do that much outside the shower anyway) felt private somehow.

“Why don’t you go to the pier anymore?” Luke asked suddenly and Ashton looked over at him in surprise, stumbling over his peeling trainer and flushing scarlet when Luke’s hand shot out to steady him again.

“Thank you,” Ashton mumbled before he considered the question, pleased that Luke was trying to keep the conversation flowing.

The honest answer was that, while Ashton didn’t know _why_ he didn’t go to the pier anymore, he _missed_ it.

“I’m not sure, to be honest,” the older boy said slowly. “I sometimes went there after my shift at the garage or just when I had too much on my mind but… I don’t know. Haven’t really got round to it recently.”

“So you haven’t had too much on your mind then?” Luke asked and Ashton wondered if he was imagining the faint relief he _thought_ he could see in Luke’s ocean-blue eyes.

“Oh, I have,” Ashton said with a vaguely nasty laugh. “I just haven’t bothered to go to the pier to deal with it…”

He wondered if he’d said too much because Luke’s expression became abruptly pained. The blond boy reached out hesitantly and gently looped his arm with Ashton’s, so that their wrists were touching through Ashton’s sweatshirt. The touch was gentle enough that he didn’t feel any pain on the cuts but the intimacy of it made his eyes burn with unshed tears.

“Are you doing anything tonight then?” Luke asked and Ashton shook his head unthinkingly. He never did anything anyway.

“Do you want to go to the pier with me then?” Luke continued and Ashton shrugged because the lump in his throat was doing its best to choke him. Luke’s eyes were surprisingly warm as he paused to carefully disentangle his arm and fish around in his bag for his mobile phone.

“Well, let me know if you decide, okay?” Luke suggested, passing the phone to Ashton carelessly, like he wasn’t afraid to drop it on the pavement. Ashton cradled it. It looked more expensive than anything he’d ever owned before, except maybe the two gifts his grandparents had bought him.

“You want me to add my number?” Ashton asked doubtfully and Luke immediately looked worried as his expression clouded with uncertainty.

“You don’t _have_ to but I thought you could –”

“It’s fine, Luke,” Ashton promised, nervously entering his details into Luke’s phone and pressing save once he’d double-checked them. His heart raced a little and he frowned when he saw his name right at the top of the list, just beneath Aleisha’s.

Luke’s brows drew together too when he saw that but neither boy said anything about it.

“I’ll text you now so that you can save my number,” Luke said and, sure enough, Ashton got a text that only contained a smiley face a few seconds later.

He smiled fondly as he saved the number and Luke looked like he was blushing as he glanced over at Ashton, but the silence grew between them and neither boy said anything else the entire way home.

When Ashton unlocked the door – since his grandparents were out and the little ones were still at school – he found an envelope addressed to him lying on that mat which, upon closer inspection, contained his new driving license.

Ashton briefly rang his nan to let her know that it was there and that he would be driving somewhere that evening with a friend (and he totally _didn’t_ stumble over the word, honestly) if she didn’t mind before, _much_ more hesitantly, Ashton opened a new text message to Luke.

**[To LUKE] Sent at 14:58**

**hey luke. my license is here so I guess I can drive us 2 the pier l8r if u still want 2 go?? wouldn’t blame u if u didn’t. ashton x**

Ashton didn’t realise he’d sent a kiss at the end of the message until Luke sent one back and the curly-haired boy didn’t like the butterflies that started beating in his stomach when he noticed. Not one _bit_.

Luke replied almost immediately.

**[From LUKE] Received at 15:00**

**OF COURSE I want to go with you ashton. Knock for me in like 30 minutes? I’ve gotta shower. See you then!! Luke x**

Ashton tried to tell himself that his heart was only racing so fast because he’d walked home too quickly but that was absolute _rubbish_.

Luke was too good at making him _feel_ things.

Ashton tried to tell himself that he hated Luke for that but he knew that wasn’t true.

Whatever it was he was feeling for Luke – and he was _still_ trying to ignore it, damnit – was a long, _long_ way from hate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading - it means the world! :)  
> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> You guys are going to learn more about Luke in the next few updates! I already gave a hint in this one...  
> Thanks again! :) <3


	43. Mostly Just Fake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Don’t fucking call me Lukey,” the younger boy said sharply but there was a faint glimmer in his ocean blue eyes that told Ashton maybe it was okay after all._  
>  _Ashton hesitated before his slight smirk became more defined. Did he dare? Yes._  
>  _“Sorry… Lukey.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to choose "Therapy" lyrics again because that song is all I can think of at the moment... Also, forgot to say - if any of you have any suggestions for songs/lyrics you think could fit, please let me know! Also I think I'll be posting a list of all the songs at the end if you guys would be interested :)  
> Thank you for reading!

**_Arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to,_ **

**_They’re better off without you,_ **

**_Arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to._ **

_– Therapy, All Time Low_

 

It was quiet in Ashton’s new car.

The interior was a dark grey with the occasional stripe of silver from the paint outside. He hadn’t worked out how to tune the radio properly yet – and since he didn’t want to listen to jazz which seemed to be the only thing playing on the one radio station he’d been able to _find_ \- and he’d left all of the CDs his grandparents had bought him in his bedroom – there wasn’t much noise.

“So…” Luke began awkwardly, looking out of the window and fiddling with his fingers before he glanced over at the older boy. “How are you?”

Ashton snorted and shook his head. “Nope,” he said and Luke looked confused. “You always end up knowing too much,” Ashton elaborated. “Like, I told you about Michael and Calum before. You saw me… _t-then_.”

Ashton was steering one-handed so he wrapped his free arm around himself to hide the fact that his hands were shaking. Luke seemed to see anyway – or maybe he was starting to _know_ Ashton which, okay, was _terrifying_  – because he gave the curly-haired boy’s knee a gentle squeeze before turning to look out of the window again.

“When’s it my turn to learn something about _you_ , Lukey?” Ashton asked before his eyes widened slightly. He wasn’t sure _where_ the nickname had come from but seeing Luke’s eyes bulge slightly was amusing.

“Don’t fucking call me _Lukey_ ,” the younger boy said sharply but there was a faint glimmer in his ocean blue eyes that told Ashton that _maybe_ it was okay after all.

Ashton hesitated before his slight smirk became more defined. Did he dare? _Yes_.

“Sorry… _Lukey_.”

“Fuck you,” Luke said shortly as he tried not to grin. After a moment, though, his smile faded as he considered Ashton’s question. The older boy was beginning to realise that Luke _really_ didn’t like talking about himself and it made Ashton feel guilty for bringing it up.

“Uh… there’s not much to _say_ really,” Luke said and his words took on that tone of voice again that Ashton hadn’t heard since he’d first met Luke. It was a bit arrogant, a bit cocky, but mostly just _fake_.

“I mean, I go to Kings. I have a girlfriend. I’ve got two brothers. We’ve got a dog called Molly.” Luke paused and his smile was real for the first time during the entire conversation. Ashton’s hazel eyes softened as he focused on the road.

“You’ve gotta say more than that, Lukey,” Ashton pressed as he stopped at the traffic lights on the edge of town. Luke snorted.

“What do you _want_ me to say?” he demanded but there was a faint hint of helplessness buried in there somewhere. “My brothers are irritating as fuck. They’re called Ben and Jack, and I used to call them BJ for short back in year seven because I thought it was hilarious until they threatened to flush my head down the toilet.” Luke grinned despite himself and Ashton found himself smiling a little too. Luke was an idiot but it was almost endearing – and wait, where had _that_ thought come from?!

“Um… what else?” Luke mumbled but it was mostly to himself now since he actually seemed to be considering his answer properly. “Uh… I like to sleep. Apparently I sneeze like I’m being murdered if my allergies get bad. According to Aleisha, I’m an arsehole in the mornings.”

Ashton tried not to think about what that meant but he couldn’t stop himself from frowning at the mention of Luke’s girlfriend. (They hadn’t had _sex_  yet, had they? God, Ashton hadn’t even _kissed_ anyone before. _Shit_.)

“You’re an arsehole _all_ the time,” Ashton corrected Luke with a forced smile – and he wasn’t _bitter_ , not even a _little_ bit.

“What was that?” Luke asked and Ashton could tell he was trying to sound angry but his eyes were still gleaming, even though there was something a bit wistful in his gaze now too. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you properly?”

“Nothing!” Ashton said in the sort of stupid singsong voice he would adopt when he was trying to make the little ones laugh. “Now shut up and let me decide where to park,” the older boy added as they pulled off the road and into the car park a short walk from the pier. “I’m trying to think.”

“Well, don’t think too hard then,” Luke muttered spitefully, still trying not to grin. “Wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Ashton waited for the pain to come, the clenching feeling as the knot in his chest tightened just like it  _always_ did when his teachers and classmates alike made nasty comments about him, but it never came.

Ashton’s eyes were wide with surprise as he carefully reversed into a space and, for the first time since he’d started learning to drive, it didn’t even get him _stressed_.

With Luke, everything felt a lot easier, safer… _simpler_ almost.

Ashton wondered why that was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought! Not sure how happy I am with this update but you'll learn a lot more about Luke in the next one!  
> Thanks again for reading :)


	44. A Few Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He didn’t understand why Luke made him feel so much. Ashton hated it. No, he_ loved _it... but it was tearing him apart._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this update but it was a _lot_ longer than I planned so I'm sorry about that!  
>  Still, you guys get to learn a lot more about Luke in this so hopefully that makes up for my rambling!  
> Enjoy :)

**_I'm conflicted._ **

**_I inhale, now I'm addicted,_ **

**_To this place,_ **

**_To you, babe._ **

**_I can't stay away._ **

_\- I Can't Stay Away, The Veronicas_

 

Ashton felt strange as he walked along beside Luke.

The pier was still a few minutes away and the wind was rustling through the leafy trees. There was a lone gull wheeling above as the pair walked down the empty road in silence. Luke was balancing on the low stone wall, looking freer than Ashton had ever seen him, but the older boy felt heavy, like the thought of the tumultuous ocean and the ancient pier and **_Luke_** was crushing him.

“How do you feel?” Luke asked Ashton as they reached a gap in the trees and moved through it. Ashton looked over in surprise since the question had seemed fairly out of the blue and he took so long in answering that Luke seemed to think he wouldn’t.

“… Like I’m alive,” Ashton said, because it made sense in his head, and the blond boy made a small sound that managed to sound both _slightly_ condescending but mostly just concerned.

“You even _look_ like you are too,” he joked before his eyes dulled a little. “ _Sort_ of.”

Ashton wondered what _that_ was supposed to mean.

“That’s good though…” Luke continued, oblivious to the half-hearted death glare Ashton was sending Luke’s way. “Isn’t _alive_ a good way to feel?”

“No,” Ashton said without thinking. “It’s cold and I ache and everything hurts. What’s good about that? I want it to _stop_. I’m _tired_.” When Luke’s eyes widened, Ashton bit his lip and pushed on ahead, hunching his shoulders against the combined weight of the cold evening air and Luke’s heavy stare.

“How old are you, Ashton?” Luke asked curiously, abruptly, and Ashton turned around to look at him in surprise and tripped over a broken plank. All of the air was knocked out of him when he fell over and, suddenly empty, Ashton decided to stay lying there.

Luke snorted but, after a moment, he lay down more hesitantly beside him, not close enough to touch but near enough that Ashton could feel the heat of him radiating along his side.

“I’m seventeen,” Ashton said before he glanced over at Luke. “And you’re… what? Just sixteen?” Luke nodded and Ashton sighed, rolling onto his back so that he could stare up at the sky (and if the movement brought him close enough to Luke that his back was resting lightly against the younger boy’s arm, no one else had to know). “Same age as Mikey and Cal,” he mused and Luke frowned.

“Are you not in the same year as them then?” he asked, biting at his lip-ring unconsciously as he frowned up at the sky, his eyes reflecting the stars. “That must get lonely in class.”

“No, I _am_ in their year,” Ashton said and he sighed softly. He’d have to say. “I… I got held back a year. I’m just…” Luke didn’t seem to be judging him but Ashton didn’t _want_ whatever emotion was buried in Luke’s eyes – it was probably pity. Ashton bristled. “I guess I’m just stupid,” he said, a bit coldly, and the blond boy’s frown deepened.

“No, you’re not, Ash,” Luke said and it took Ashton a moment to realise that the younger boy had never called him that before. “You’re not allowed to say stupid shit like that.”

Ashton realised that the emotion he had seen in Luke’s eyes was _kindness_ but, somehow, it just made him uncomfortable.

“Whatever,” he mumbled awkwardly, searching for a distraction. “Um… what’re you studying at school?”

Ashton almost missed the slightly hopeless sigh that escaped Luke.

“I’m doing maths, chemistry, law, and government and politics,” Luke listed apathetically and, sure, Ashton had felt defensive before but now he just felt _embarrassed_ and _vulnerable_ which was never a good mix with him.

“Should’ve _known_ you’d be studying something _clever_ like that,” he muttered, hating the feelings coursing through him, _especially_ since he was pretty sure one of them was jealousy. He suppressed a sigh as he glared up at the sky.

He didn’t understand why Luke made him _feel_ so much. Ashton hated it. No, he _loved_ it... but it was tearing him apart.

“Hey!” Luke cried, looking offended when Ashton’s hazel eyes flickered back over to him. “Don’t be like that! And besides, I didn’t say I was _passing_ them!”

“Oh…” Ashton chewed his lip awkwardly as Luke fell into an angry silence. The older boy glanced over cautiously, feeling a bit bad now because he knew how awful it felt to fail something that you were trying _really_ hard to do. He’d failed the little ones and his own mother after all, and it didn’t get much worse than _that_. “Um… sorry?” Ashton said but his apology fell a bit flat because his heart was still racing with emotions he couldn’t understand and Luke had still got the _chance_ to do those subjects, damnit!

“No, you’re not sorry,” Luke said honestly and Ashton gave an awkward, half-hearted shrug as he rolled away further, so that his back was completely to Luke now. He was aware that it was a childish thing to do but when Luke reached out hesitantly and gave his shoulder a squeeze, as though to say he forgave him, Ashton couldn’t quite find it in himself to care.

“It’s okay though,” Luke said in a voice of forced calm. “I’m not sorry either.”

When Ashton looked back over his shoulder warily at the blond boy, he was reminded of what Luke had looked like that night on the phone to Aleisha, because he could see it again now, as clear as day – and Ashton _hated_ that phrase because when had his days _ever_ been clear?

Luke's eyes were burning like blue fire and Ashton felt goosebumps rise on his arms.

“Why?” the older boy asked warily and he wasn’t surprised when his voice came out in little more than a whisper.

The freezing, howling wind was doing its utmost to steal his words but, somehow, Luke still heard him.

“I just wanted to take art and drama and dance, but mum and dad wouldn’t let me,” Luke said softly and, although he had started to speak quietly, he ended up shouting. “Ben and Jack took the piss and called me gay cos I didn’t like sport like they did. Aleisha said she didn’t want people to think she was going out with a _f-fag_ and she tells me what to do all the fucking time and I’m not allowed to choose anything myself – that’s why I started that dance club at school, because not many people go so I hope no one will find out! I just can’t deal with – Like, everyone fucking decides everything for me _all the time_ and I _hate_ it! I’m always expected to do so fucking _well_ in _everything_ I do but, even if I _do_ , it isn’t a big deal because my brothers have already done it! And it _sucks_ , Ash! It fucking _sucks_! I _hate_ it!”

Luke fell silent abruptly, his chest heaving as the tension in his shoulders that had been present since Ashton had first met him all those months ago slowly melted away. Ashton regarded Luke with wide eyes, deciding to do the honourable thing and pretend that he couldn’t see the way Luke’s eyes were gleaming with tears because he just _knew_ somehow that the blond would _not_ thank him for pointing them out.

The wind was tousling Ashton’s honey-coloured curls and he shifted into a sitting position carefully and, measuredly, he leant over and punched Luke lightly on the bicep.

“It’s gonna be okay, Lukey,” he promised in as steady a voice as he could manage, and he ignored Luke’s mumbled: “ _no it isn’t_ ” with a roll of his eyes because even _Luke_ didn’t seem to believe that.

The wind howled again, changing directions, and suddenly Ashton and Luke were shivering as icy sea spray rained down on them.

“Now come on,” Ashton said thickly because one of Luke’s tears had just slipped down his cheeks despite the younger boy’s attempts to suppress them, and it kind of made Ashton’s heart ache. “I’ll drive you home.”

The wind howled again and the pier creaked beneath them as the waves crashed onto the beach. Ashton rose and grasped Luke’s outstretched hand without even thinking as he pulled the blond boy up with him.

“Let’s get off this damn pier before one of us gets blown off,” he muttered and Luke’s eyes gleamed like Michael’s did sometimes when he was going to say something either very witty or very stupid. It turned out to be the latter.

“You _wish_ you could blow me off,” Luke muttered but his heart wasn’t in it. Ashton rolled his eyes and Luke snickered quietly, and the older boy felt his heart sink in his chest.

“Shut your face, Hemmings,” he sighed, which wasn’t a ‘ _no_ ’. “Or you’re not riding shotgun.”

“ _Make_ me shut my face,” Luke said combatively, wiggling his eyebrows in a stupid way. Ashton knew what he was doing though. Luke was just embarrassed that he’d said so much and now he was trying to joke about it. Ashton couldn’t hold that against him. He’d tried the same tactics too in the past, even _though_ they never really worked.

“Just come and get in the damn car, Lukey, you little shit,” Ashton said in a weary voice, the burn of his wrists and the ache of his chest forgotten for a few moments now that he had someone to take care of again.

Luke did as the older boy asked, perhaps sensing that Ashton was just a _tiny_ bit short of pushing him off the pier.

But really, as they walked along back to the car and Luke gave Ashton's hand a light squeeze before stuffing both of his smaller hands into his pockets, the older boy thought that it simply wasn’t _fair_.

He was at the end of his tether, honestly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if this update was okay as I'm kind of worried I didn't explain stuff properly!  
> Please let me know :)  
> Thank you!


	45. The First Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“So,” Michael repeated, looking offended again as his cheeks flushed the same colour as his hair. “As I was saying! Are you and Luke…?”_  
>  _Michael paused to wriggle his eyebrows in a decidedly-not-seductive manner and even Calum looked up from lacing his shoes, apparently interested._  
>  _Ashton felt a bit sick._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is okay! I enjoyed writing this so I guess I must be quite sadistic or something...  
> Enjoy!

**_And I know in my heart, you're not a constant star._ **

_\- Fool's Gold, One Direction_

 

The next month passed quickly and, although not much changed really, Luke did.

He opened up more and actually told Ashton what he was _thinking_ , instead of what he thought people expected to hear from him. The cocky, arrogant, overly-confident-but-still- _scared_ dick from before was all but _gone_ now, and he was replaced with someone shy and amusing with too-tall hair and sparkling eyes.

Ashton was thinking about his eyes – no, no he wasn’t! He was thinking about… _homework_. Yes, homework instead! – as he followed the rest of the football team off the field as the group of them headed back into the changing rooms. Calum was dragging his feet as he trailed along beside Ashton and the youngest boy let loose an almost inaudible whimper when the pair spotted Michael scrambling over the low wall surrounding the stands before hurrying towards them.

“Here you go!” he called the moment he was within hearing distance, already holding their mobiles out to return to them. Calum accepted his with a mumbled thanks and Ashton smiled gratefully at Michael, pleased that the red-haired boy had offered to look after it. He hated leaving his stuff in the changing rooms because it was just _asking_ to get stolen.

“Your phone kept going off, Ash!” Michael said as he followed the team into the changing rooms. No one made any jokes about him just wanting to look at shirtless athletes anymore, especially after a guy had got kicked off the team a few months before for that very thing with a bloody nose after Calum had _lost_ it with him.

Ashton had tried not to think too much about that (and failed dismally). Judging by the half-worried, half-hopeful look on Michael’s face, he’d apparently had the same problem.

“What, with texts? Or calls?” Ashton asked, frantic for a few moments before he remembered that he wouldn’t be getting calls asking him to pick the little ones up from school if they were poorly anymore because his grandparents could do that now. Ashton slumped and the fire in his eyes went out.

“Texts,” Michael responded, his worried eyes drifting over to a tired-looking Calum and away again quickly. “From some guy called _Luke_. Who is he? I haven’t heard you mention him before.”

Ashton felt his cheeks reddening and he cringed, waiting for the barrage of questions which – unfortunately – did actually come this time.

“Is that who you’ve been texting all the time recently?” Calum asked out of nowhere, half out of his sweaty t-shirt as he peered at Ashton endearingly through one of the arm holes.

“How do you know him?” Michael asked and Ashton tried to glower at the pair but it fell woefully short when his lips twitched and – _damnit_ , why was he _still_ blushing?!

“He’s my next door neighbour,” Ashton explained and Michael looked offended.

“Ashy’s been keeping secrets from us, Cal!” he cried dramatically and the youngest boy smiled for a moment before it faded, like he’d just remembered that things were still shit between them. They stared at each other for several moments before the younger boy looked away, his eyes too-bright in his tired face.

“It’s good you’ve got someone so close to be friends with though,” Michael said in a much quieter voice, sitting down heavily like the short look he’d shared with Calum had aged him. “Have you been with him in the evenings then?”

Michael didn’t sound like he _minded_ but Ashton was still wary of upsetting either of his best friends.

“Yeah, sometimes,” he said after a moment, wriggling out of his shorts and stepping into his black school trousers quickly. He’d always hated the ‘ _getting changed_ ’ part of PE.

When Ashton looked up, he saw that Calum and Michael’s expressions were strange mixtures of approval, surprise and what _might_ have been uneasiness.

“I’m not, like, replacing you or anything though!” Ashton blurted out stupidly and chuckled a bit unpleasantly because it was sort of laughable that _he_ would ever replace anyone.

“We know you’re not, Ash!” Michael said immediately and Calum nodded in agreement before he turned his back on them to remove his t-shirt and slip into his school shirt quickly which was… _unusual_. Maybe he just felt awkward around Michael.

“Not that we’d blame you if you _did_ ,” Calum muttered but Ashton heard him and he reached out hesitantly to give Calum’s shoulder a squeeze, which was his own way of saying ‘ _I’m not going anywhere. I promise_ ’. What Ashton _hadn’t_ been expecting though was for Calum to flinch and twist out of his grip as he shoved his arms into the sleeves of his shirt.

“Um… you okay, Cal?” Michael asked and Calum’s cheeks were _scarlet_ as he nodded jerkily. Ashton slowly lowered his hand before he shook his head and turned away to put his own shirt on.

“You know, I was worried about you, Ash,” Michael said suddenly, distracting the older boy from the football captain. When Ashton looked confused, Michael elaborated. “You said no about coming out in the evenings even more than usual. I… I was worried you’d started… y’know… doing something _bad_ again.”

Ashton’s eyes softened even as he squared his jaw because he didn’t like to tell Michael that he hadn’t stopped in the first place but... whatever. It didn’t matter.

“Nah, I’ve just been playing drums or working shifts at the garage,” Ashton said before he hesitated and added: “Or just going to the pier with Luke, y’know? Just chilling. It’s… _nice_.”

“ _So_ ,” Michael said hesitantly, leaning forwards and swiping one of Ashton’s shoes so that the older boy couldn’t finish getting ready. Ashton hit Michael in the face with his sweaty sports shirt and Michael squealed, throwing the shoe back at the older boy. Calum’s fond smile barely contained his sadness. It would have been clear to see in his eyes if anyone had cared to look.

“ _So_ ,” Michael repeated, looking offended again as his cheeks flushed the same colour as his hair. “As I was _saying_! Are you and Luke…?”

Michael paused to wriggle his eyebrows in a decidedly- _not_ -seductive manner and even Calum looked up from lacing his shoes, apparently interested.

Ashton felt a bit sick.

“No!” he protested and, when they looked like they didn’t believe him, his shoulders slumped a little and he bent to tie his shoelaces with a lot more venom than was really necessary. “No,” he told his shoes and the room was pretty quiet now since most of the guys had already left. “No,” he repeated, straightening up and looking them in the eyes. He wasn’t sure what his face looked like but Michael’s fell as he looked at the older boy. “He has a girlfriend.”

“Oh,” Calum said in a hollow sort of voice that made Ashton kind of want to curl up into a ball and cry. He wasn’t _going_ to of course but the sentiment was there.

“Well,” the younger boy began finally.

No one else was left now and the room was silent, save for their gentle breathing and the steady dripping sound of one of the showers. It reminded Ashton of the day he’d fainted, all those months ago, when everything had gone wrong.

“At least you’re still going out and seeing other people then,” Calum said at length. “That’s good.”

He spoke in such a heartfelt tone that Ashton couldn’t even worry that Calum didn’t want him around anymore because the warmth in the younger boy’s voice was evident.

“Thanks,” Ashton said, relieved, and Michael smiled before he happened to glance down at his watch. Swearing, the red-haired boy complained loudly that his “ _English class was on the other side of the damn school_!” before he hared off, leaving Calum and Ashton alone.

The dark-haired boy winced when the door swung shut and he looked like whatever he’d been worrying about had come true when Ashton shot him a fretful look.

“ _Are_ you okay, Cal? Like, _really_?” the older boy asked quietly, concerned. He took Calum’s hand carefully and the younger boy squeezed it so, _so_ tightly for a moment before he dropped it, looking like he was angry at himself or something.

“I will be,” Calum told Ashton slowly, which wasn’t _quite_ as comforting as a ‘ _yes_ ’.

Ashton wondered why Calum’s answer sent alarm bells ringing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to be more subtle in this with regards to a **CERTAIN CHARACTER** I hinted about before but I think I missed the mark a wee bit...  
>  Lemme know what you thought please :)


	46. Night Follows Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Hell, Ashton wondered when_ he'd _changed so much... because he had, as surely as night follows day, as the tide came in and dragged the sand back out to sea._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feels feels feels!  
> Enjoy :)

**_It was a cold night, the talk of forever kept us warm._ **

**_But even forever, doesn't last for long._ **

**_I say, say you'll never, say you'll never change._ **

_\- Cold Night, You Me At Six_

 

By late May, the temperature had dropped until Ashton spent the majority of his time traipsing around the house wrapped in a blanket.

His bedroom was particularly cold due to a faulty catch on the window that wouldn't let it shut all the way and, although his grandparents said that they would get it fixed, Ashton asked them to leave it. He didn't mind having to sleep beneath several blankets - it was a lot warmer than the old house had been, especially since Anne had never had enough money left to pay the bills for the heating - and the window being slightly cracked open meant that he could very faintly hear Luke singing and playing the guitar when the older boy lay down to go to sleep at night.

The window was pushed all the way open tonight though and Ashton was sitting curled up on the window seat in his duvet. He was gripping the wall tightly as he leant out and there was a light smile dancing across his face.

Luke was sitting on his own windowsill, one of his knees pulled up to his chest with both arms wrapped around it. He was wearing sweatpants - kind of like the ones he'd insulted Ashton for wearing that first day they'd met on the pier - and a thin, long-sleeved Good Charlotte sweatshirt.

"- so did you catch the new Ed Sheeran cover I uploaded to my channel?" Luke was asking and he had to raise his voice as the wind rustled through the leaves of the large oak tree that grew between their houses. Ashton shushed him, giggling stupidly into his hands.

"You're gonna wake my family up!" he whisper-shouted and Luke's eyes gleamed mischievously, as though something had just occurred to him.

"Well, we can't have a conversation like this!" Luke said and he carefully got his feet beneath him and stood up, tightly holding onto the window frame above him with both hands.

Ashton went very still.

"Luke," he said sharply and he could feel the colour draining from his face. "Luke, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

Luke only smiled faintly at Ashton before he seemed to steel himself for a moment, took a deep breath, and then -

He jumped.

Ashton stopped breathing as Luke vanished from sight and, for several _agonisingly_ long moments, the only sounds were the wind and the leaves and his own harsh breathing.

Luke had to have fallen. That was the only explanation.

Ashton leant further out of the window, trying to see, and his eyes actually filled with tears when he saw Luke clumsily pulling himself up onto one of the thicker branches. The blond boy gave Ashton a big smile as he straightened up, held the trunk for support, and slowly began to climb over.

"You fucking idiot," Ashton breathed, blinking his hazel eyes to clear them of tears. Luke gave a tiny, sarcastic bow, as though he agreed with that statement, before he paused again, holding onto one of the branches hanging above his head as he calculated how far the gap was from the end of the thicker branch to Ashton's window.

"Don't..." Ashton said slowly, shivering as the air seemed to grow colder around them. "Lukey, _please_ don't," he whispered. Luke read his lips and his forehead creased slightly.

"But I want to talk to you, Ash," he said, like it made all the sense in the world, and then he was suspended in the air and he didn't look like he was going to make the jump but he did and - _fuck_ , Luke had miscalculated and crashed straight into Ashton, sending the pair of them tumbling onto the floor in a flail of gangly limbs and duvet.

They both froze, waiting to hear if either Ashton's grandparents or the little ones would wake up and call out, but luckily neither did.

"Are you fucking _mad_?!" Ashton asked after a moment, trying to speak crossly, but his voice cracked and he was clinging to Luke like a koala, his arms wrapped tightly around the younger boy's broad shoulders as Luke fought to catch his breath.

"That... That was _really_ fucking scary," Luke admitted and a stupid, breathless little giggle escaped him. Ashton punched his shoulder. Then he closed his eyes and buried his face in Luke's neck, trying to calm himself by inhaling as subtly as he could. The younger boy smelt like lemons and soap and something else, something that was entirely _Luke_.

"So were you being daring or just plain reckless?" Ashton asked once Luke had made some comment about being suffocated and pushed himself up to lean on his elbows.

It was then that Ashton realised that the younger boy was basically lying on top of him, and Luke's tongue darted out self-consciously to play with his lip-ring and his mouth was only _centimetres_ away and it wouldn't be difficult, not difficult at _all_ to just lean up and -

"A bit of both, I guess," Luke snorted, answering a question that Ashton had forgotten he'd even _asked_ , and the moment was broken. "Or maybe I'm just stupid."

"I'm gonna go with that option," Ashton said and he was patting Luke's stubbly cheek sarcastically before he'd even finished speaking. Luke gave him a funny look but he didn't move away, instead just flopping down onto the duvet on the floor beside Ashton.

Luke's blond hair wasn't quiffed tonight. Instead it was lying across his forehead and hiding one of his ocean-blue eyes from view. He looked comfortable lying beside the older boy, like he felt _safe_ almost. Ashton wondered when things had changed between them so much.

Hell, Ashton wondered when _he'd_ changed so much... because he had, as surely as night follows day, as the tide comes in and drags the sand back out to sea.

"I wish I wasn't with Leish sometimes," Luke said suddenly and his cheeks flamed and he looked down, apparently ashamed.

"What?" Ashton croaked, clearing his throat and trying again. " _Why_?"

He knew they weren't always one hundred percent _happy_ of course but surely every relationship was like that...

Ashton had guessed that Aleisha could be a bit controlling from what the younger boy had said on the pier that night but he had figured that, despite that, maybe things were okay between them.

But apparently not.

"I just..." Luke stared up at the ceiling, his eyes glassy. Ashton didn't like how familiar the look in the younger boy's ocean-blue eyes was. Hesitantly, Ashton reached out and squeezed his hand. Luke didn't let go.

"We just don't make each other happy anymore, y'know?" Luke mumbled quickly, like he just wanted to get the words out now that he'd started talking. "And, like, we were both in this relationship for different reasons, I think..."

"Like?" Ashton prompted, rubbing a soothing pattern into the back of Luke's hand with his thumb. The younger boy exhaled shakily.

"I... I just wanted to be in a relationship because... I wanted to be _normal_ , y'know?" He sighed, looking disappointed in himself. "I was hiding I guess and... And I think maybe she does know that _really_ by now because I can't ever... like, bring myself to _do_ anything much with her really, see? I mean, that was cringey... Sorry... but... like, I guess I just wanted this so I could seem more... like what people _expected_ me to be, y'know?"

"I... I think so," Ashton confessed but, in truth, he was thinking about what Luke had said, about never being able to bring himself to do anything much with her... What did that _mean_? And... ' _what people expected_ '... Was this Luke _coming out_?

"Aleisha... She was just getting desperate, see?" Luke continued and Ashton forced himself to focus. Luke's hand slipped from his as he gestured and the older boy sighed, chewing on his lip distractedly. "She's always felt pressurised to have the perfect life," Luke said slowly and the curly-haired boy frowned, glancing at Luke and trying to ignore the guilt he could feel bubbling in his stomach because, sure, maybe he'd looked at Luke (' _a boy, he was a fucking **boy**_ ') in a way that wasn't _entirely_ platonic but, god, he hadn't _acted_ on it.

He'd _never_ do something like that.

"Her parents want so much for her, y'know? A husband, two kids, carpool, the whole shebang." Ashton smiled weakly at that and Luke gave a shaky grin that quickly fell away. "Her older brother went off the rails last year. He's in prison now, got caught dealing drugs. I think she just wants to make her parents happy, Ash... and I guess maybe she thought she could find that happiness with me..."

Luke suddenly looked a lot older than his sixteen years.

"But I guess she couldn't."

Ashton jumped when Luke's hand crept back into his but he rolled over to face the younger boy anyway, holding Luke's smaller hand in both of his own. He rested his head hesitantly on the blond boy's shoulder and sighed softly.

"Then maybe you both just haven't found the right person yet," the older boy mused but, in truth, his thoughts were faraway.

Ashton was starting to realise that _everyone_ had issues and problems in their own lives, even if they weren't apparent straightaway or as obvious as someone else's might be, and it scared him.

It made him worry about his loved ones, like the little ones who were maybe struggling more than he knew, or about Michael who was still pining over Calum. Ashton didn't worry about the football captain _as_ much because, despite him badly losing his temper that one occasion a few months back, and being more tired and quiet than was necessarily _usual_ , he still seemed to be more _together_ than his two best friends.

Ashton hoped he was okay but, at the end of the day, only time would tell after all.

"You two gonna be alright, Lukey?" Ashton asked softly and the blond boy looked over, his ocean-blue eyes softening.

"I think we probably will be, Ash, yeah," Luke said and his grip on Ashton's hand tightened infinitesimally.

Ashton didn't want to let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :)  
> Thank you for reading! :)


	47. Down The Rabbit Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Sorry I couldn’t make it,” Ashton said, and he meant it. In his head, he could almost_ see _Calum and Michael sitting stiffly on opposite ends of the sofa, trying not to seem as uncomfortable as he felt. It kind of made his chest hurt that things were so rough between them now. “I was with Luke…”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's so much angst and I'm so sorry for that, oh my god.  
> I hope this is okay!  
> Enjoy :)

**_I never sent for love, I never had a heart to mend,_ **

**_Because before the start began, I always saw the end._ **

_– Starring Role, Marina & The Diamonds_

 

Ashton left the music classroom with a faint smile still etched onto his face the next day at school. Mrs. McKay had complimented the project he’d been working on and now he had a free period which meant he could go home, since it was already fourth lesson.

“Hey, Ash!” a familiar voice called and Ashton snorted, rolling his eyes as Michael ran up to him, his backpack swinging dangerously from one shoulder. “You wanna skip last period and get ice cream or something?”

“That sounds like a terrible pick-up line,” Ashton joked as he considered it. “But yeah, sure. I mean, I’ve got a free anyway so _I’m_ not jeopardising my precious education by being foolish –”

“Oh, dude, that _sucks_ ,” Michael said sympathetically, his eyes twinkling. “You had to listen to Miss Jeff’s speech about having high expectations too?”

“Through _all_ of geography,” Ashton said grimly and he sighed. “Which was a double period.” Michael winced but he was still trying not to smile. The older boy fished his mobile out of his bag and texted Calum to let him know that they were leaving and he felt bad as he put his phone away again.

“So… good evening yesterday?” Michael asked, distracting Ashton. “Cal and I missed you.”

Ashton bit his lip for a moment, confused, before he remembered that Michael and Calum had invited him to come round to eat pizza and watch movies. Luke had already been lying on his bedroom floor with him at that point though so… Yeah, it wasn’t going to happen.

“Sorry I couldn’t make it,” Ashton said, and he meant it. In his head, he could almost _see_ Calum and Michael sitting stiffly on opposite ends of the sofa, trying not to seem as uncomfortable as they felt. It kind of made Ashton's chest hurt that things were so rough between them now. “I was with Luke…”

“ _Ah_ ,” Michael said and, although he looked pleased for Ashton, there was a sort of wistfulness buried in his eyes that the older boy didn’t like to see. He _hated_ Michael being sad. “The infamous Huke Lemmings. Tell me, when are we going to get to meet this boy who’s stolen you from us?”

“I wish you’d stop calling him that,” Ashton muttered but there was another faint smile tugging at his lips. “And he hasn’t _stolen_ me, Mike! He just lives next door so it’s easy to hang out, you know?”

“So… is… is he still with that girl?” Michael asked carefully and Ashton froze in the act of adjusting the straps on his backpack. He swallowed and glanced over at Michael who was looking at him with concern.

“Yeah,” Ashton stammered, brushing his curls out of his eyes and wishing he’d brought a bandana with him today. His hair was getting too long. He’d need to cut it soon… _Cut_. “I… why do you ask?”

“Cos I’m worried about you,” Michael stated blandly as the pair exited the building, leaving the locker-lined hallway behind them. “When you talk about him, your eyes get all light and stuff, even when you’re _bitching_ about whatever stupid stunt he’s pulled. You look all happy and – I mean, that’s _awesome_ , Ash. Like, that’s really, _really_ great, y’know? But… sometimes you say stuff and you _scare_ me because I don’t want you to fall for him if it can never happen. If… if he’s _straight_ , Ash. I… I don’t wanna see you get hurt again.”

Ashton gaped at Michael wordlessly, stock-still on the pavement outside the school so that people had to walk round them. Michael looked pained.

“I’m not _falling_ for _anyone_ ,” Ashton promised, looking stunned. “I… we’re _friends_. _Just_ friends.”

“Okay…” Michael didn’t look convinced – if anything, the worry evident on his face only seemed to _increase_ – but he let it go.

“I… I just feel like I can tell him _anything_ ,” Ashton said desperately, trying to explain himself. Michael looked a bit offended.

“No! Don’t look like that!” Ashton begged hurriedly, tugging at his hair unconsciously as his chest tightened. “Like, you and Calum are my _brothers_ , see? And… and I can tell you _most_ stuff but some stuff just… isn’t meant for brothers to hear, y’know? And –”

“Are you talking about sex stuff?” Michael asked weakly, trying to joke, and Ashton kicked him lightly in the shin.

“No, I’m fucking _not_ ,” Ashton said, a bit too sharply because he just felt _uncomfortable_ now. He could feel guilt coursing through him because he’d already told Luke basically _everything_ about his two best friends and they still knew next to _nothing_ about Luke but… but Luke was _Ashton’s_ thing and – yeah, okay, that probably wasn’t a path he wanted to continue walking down. ‘ _Down the rabbit hole_ ’ and all that.

Perhaps Michael could see the play of conflicting emotions on the curly-haired boy’s face because he opened his mouth to speak again but Ashton had had enough. “Just _drop_ it, Mikey, okay? I want some damn ice cream.”

Michael’s wry smile was dim as he followed the older boy down the road.

Ashton wondered when things had got so _hard_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how I feel about this update yet but I guess I'll wait to see what you guys think!  
> Thank you all so much for reading :)  
> Also _something_ is happening vaguely soon which involves Ash, Mikey, Cal and Luke being maybe in the same room as each other.  
>  Oooh spoilers.


	48. Lonely Planets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Ashton doesn’t deserve to be hurt by you!” Michael said in a much quieter voice that somehow managed to sound both shaky and livid. Ashton had a feeling Michael wasn’t just talking about his hand anymore. “He’s been hurt enough.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a lot angstier than previously intended.  
> Sorry about that.

**_I never meant to fall for you but I,_ **

**_Was buried underneath and,_ **

**_All that I could see was white,_ **

**_My salvation._ **

_– Salvation, Gabrielle Aplin_

 

The day Ashton realised he was completely and utterly screwed was a Saturday.

It was late June and the garage was _freezing_ cold. Ashton was wearing a navy blue cardigan his nan had knitted him over a Blink-182 t-shirt and his ripped skinny jeans. His messy curls were tied back from his forehead with his black bandana and his new glasses – he’d got them the week before because his grandpa had noticed him squinting while he tried to do his homework – kept sliding down his nose.

He was sitting uneasily on the low stool behind his drum kit. His long fingers tapped out a rhythmic beat on the cymbal that mirrored his anxious breathing. He was nervous. _Really_ nervous.

Michael said he’d had enough of hearing all about Luke but never meeting him and he’d made Ashton agree.

He’d actually _tickled_ the older boy until he’d gasped out a frantic “ _okay, M-Mikey, f-fine!_ ” and whacked him around the head with his music folder. Even Calum had looked a bit curious, albeit apprehensive, and Ashton thought maybe that was what had swung it for him in the end.

So here he was, sitting alone in his garage behind a drum kit and counting down the minutes until all of his best friends met each other.

Luke had already been coming around after school most nights to play music in the garage with Ashton and, although he’d been very impressed with the older boy’s drumming skills, he still hadn’t heard him sing yet. Ashton was determined not to.

He was also determined to make sure today went well.

It had actually been _Luke_ ’s idea in the end. Ashton had been complaining about Michael and Calum _always_ asking to meet Luke, and Luke had said “well why not?” and it had been really awkward and Ashton had flushed about _ten_ different shades of crimson, and Luke had stolen Ashton’s phone and texted them, and now it was happening and the older boy was _terrified_.

Luke showed up first, in the end.

His guitar was slung over his back and he rapped on the side door of the garage obnoxiously loudly before he let himself in. “’Lo,” he said, waving vaguely as he stifled a yawn. His hair was quiffed and his eyes were tired, and he was dressed in black jeans and an All Time Low jumper which Ashton thought was a good idea. Maybe Luke would be able to win an already-dubious Michael over more easily that way.

“You okay, Ashy?” Luke asked softly as he set his guitar carefully against the wall, leaving it in its case. His eyes were gentle and Ashton kind of melted. “You look tired.”

“Don’t be rude,” Ashton mumbled but he was smiling a tiny bit. “And I am. I didn’t get a great night’s sleep last night.”

“Sorry. Was I playing too loudly again?” Luke asked, chagrined, and Ashton snorted, shaking his head fondly. In actual fact, he’d been tossing and turning in bed as he imagined all of the different ways today could go. It kind of bothered him how much of a big deal this felt but… _god_ , it wasn’t like he was bringing his _boyfriend_ home or something so –

Ashton squeaked when there was another round of knocking on the door. Luke wrapped one of his arms around himself self-consciously, like he was trying to make himself small. Ashton’s heart went out to him.

“It’s open!” he called awkwardly, rising from behind the drum kit and giving Luke’s shoulder a comforting squeeze as he walked around it. Luke followed close behind him, apparently keen not to be left alone in the room and it maybe would have been _endearing_ that the blond boy was behaving like a seven foot tall _puppy_ but Ashton’s heart was still racing too fast in his chest and he felt _sick_.

‘ _Moment of truth_ ,’ the little voice said. Ashton couldn’t quite find it in himself to disagree.

The door swung open slowly and Michael entered, looking around the unfamiliar room with interest before his emerald gaze settled on Luke. The blond boy gulped audibly but he didn’t look away and Ashton was pretty sure he’d _never_ seen a more intense staring contest before.

He shifted away awkwardly as Calum slid into the room too and Ashton was relieved that he had a distraction.

“Oh great, they’re eye-fucking,” the dark-haired boy muttered, not quietly enough, and Michael and Luke looked away from each other, both glowering.

“Um…. This is Luke… Luke Hemmings, guys,” Ashton said hopefully but he could already feel everything crumbling around him. There was no _way_ this was going to go well now. “Um… Luke, this is Michael… Michael Clifford… and… and that’s Calum Hood.”

Michael laughed unpleasantly and Luke snorted. Calum just rolled his eyes.

There was nothing Ashton wanted more in that moment than to hide behind his drum kit again so, shrugging inwardly, he did, crossing the room and sitting down on the stool heavily.

His three best friends stood immobile in the garage, no one touching, _lost_ almost, like lonely planets.

“Um… ” Ashton began awkwardly but, finally, Michael spoke up.

“Like what you’ve done with the place, Ash,” he said, his eyes moving approvingly over the posters covering the walls. “It looks pretty cool. I mean, it’s _really_ lacking Metallica but you can’t have everything I guess.” Ashton smiled in relief, biting his lip.

“Sorry I haven’t had you two round here before,” he said to the red-haired boy and Calum and, although the two boys accepted it graciously enough, they looked like they didn’t _really_ understand. That was okay though because Ashton didn’t really understand why either. He tried to tell himself that it had nothing to do with keeping Luke to himself, not even a _little_ bit. (Ashton wondered when he’d got to the stage that he had to lie to _himself_ too. It made things a whole lot more complicated.)

“We gonna play some music then?” Calum asked awkwardly as he swung his bass down from his back and started to unzip the case. Michael did the same with his guitar.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Ashton said and Luke tried to give him an encouraging smile but it came out just a _bit_ too tight to look natural.

Ashton drummed out a steady beat to warm up, stopping only when the other three needed to tune their guitars. Ashton sat there, tapping out a rhythm on his denim-clad thighs as they worked in silence. It was _really_ awkward and he was kind of wishing that they’d all suddenly remember that they had an urgent appointment or something and run out, but obviously that didn’t happen because Ashton was one of the unluckiest people _ever_.

Ashton had just resigned himself to probably the most awkward morning of his life when Luke happened to glance over at him and make a small sound of concern.

“Your knuckle’s bleeding, Ash,” he said, rising fluidly from one of the fold-up chairs that had mysteriously appeared in the garage one day after Ashton’s grandpa had happened to glance out of the kitchen window and see the blond boy entering the garage too. “This weather making your hands sore?” he asked.

Ashton hadn’t even _noticed_ the split skin until then but, now that it had been brought to his attention, it actually _hurt_. He hissed a bit, patting his pockets for something to wipe the blood up with but he didn’t have anything. Luke crouched down beside him with a tissue in hand, dabbing so gently at the bleeding cut that it barely even _stung_.

“Ouch,” Ashton muttered anyway because now he was sort of _aware_ of all of the sore bits on his hands that had been caused by the cold. _Damnit_ , Ashton missed the summer.

“You’re hurting him,” Michael said suddenly, in this fierce little voice that Ashton hadn’t heard before, and both him and Luke looked up at the red-haired boy in surprise. Calum slumped down in his own chair, clutching his bass securely as he stared despairingly up at the ceiling, one of the only surfaces that Ashton was yet to cover with posters.

“What?” Luke asked, his eyes widening slightly when he saw that Michael had stood up. “I didn’t – God, I was getting the fucking _blood_ up!”

Ashton flinched when Luke’s voice rose and Michael’s eyes flashed angrily and, honestly, for someone with fluffy crimson hair and a large, soft, over-sized jumper that his _mum_ had probably brought him, Michael looked kind of _scary_.

“Don’t fucking hurt Ashton!” he shouted and then there was a blur of movement and Luke was pinned to the wall by a furious Michael.

Luke’s hands were shaking at his sides as he balled them into fists but he didn’t back down and Ashton sort of wanted to cry. Calum looked like he was already more than halfway there as he bit his bottom lip hard, his eyes wide.

“Ashton doesn’t deserve to be hurt by you!” Michael said in a much quieter voice that somehow managed to sound both shaky and _livid_. Ashton had a feeling Michael wasn’t just talking about his hand anymore. “He’s been hurt enough.”

“I _know_ he has!” the blond boy said hotly, his eyes burning with icy fire once more. “I _know_.”

All of the fight went out of Michael and Luke pushed him away, shoving a bit harder than was necessary, and Calum steadied Michael almost without meaning to before his face paled as he realised what he’d done. Ashton was mortified.

He could feel his eyes burning with tears and the knot in his chest was doing its best to crush him but, _god_ , this had gone worse than he’d _ever_ imagined. He couldn’t believe they _hated_ each other… and it was all because of him.

He sat down on the stool once more and dropped his head into his hands, angry with himself for messing up what could well have been one of the best things he ever did.

“You’ve both upset Ash,” Calum murmured in a voice so low that Ashton strained to hear it. He stopped listening when he heard what the football captain had said, his cheeks flaming. He wanted everyone to fucking _leave_ so that he could drum again, just forget about everything for a while… _forever_.

Luke and Michael both muttered something sullenly – Ashton caught a snatch of conversation that seemed to include “ _if you hurt him, I’ll fucking –_ ” “ _I won’t hurt him! I care about him!_ ” – and then, suddenly, Michael was speaking and Ashton couldn’t _not_ hear it because the boy was speaking in an offensively loud voice.

“I hate you, Hemmings,” Michael said firmly. “You’ve got stupid hair.”

“I hate you too, Clifford,” Luke said with a sigh that seemed a bit put-on. “Your hair’s way stupider. Do you think you’re fucking _Gerard Way_ or something?! Bastard,” Luke finished loftily.

Michael’s lips twitched and even Luke looked vaguely amused although he quickly fought to keep the expression from his face. The knot loosened in Ashton’s chest a little and he felt like maybe he could breathe again.

“Great, now we can all be friends,” Calum mumbled as he picked up his bass from the chair where he’d left it. “Fucking _idiots_ ,” he could be heard muttering as he finished tuning his bass.

The curly-haired boy finally looked up to see Calum looking despairing, and Michael and Luke alternating between glaring at each other, trying not to smile, and giving Ashton hopeful looks.

“I _told_ you,” Calum repeated hotly when he saw them. “ _Fucking idiots_.“

Ashton's eyes settled on Luke, taking in his flaming cheeks and bright eyes and ridiculously-quiffed hair. ' _Stupid, beautiful idiot_.'

Ashton was screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think they were going to get on, right?  
> I'm sorry...  
> Please let me know what you thought :)


	49. A Long Stretch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"Can I ask you something?" he asked Grace in a hesitant voice, his hazel eyes flickering up to her face and then away again quickly. His nan shifted a little so that she was facing him properly._  
>  _"Of course, Ash," she said, wrapping the blanket more securely around her grandson's narrow shoulders. "What is it?"_  
>  _"I... You might not like it," Ashton breathed out._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I'm sleepy and sad so I wrote angst. I'd like to apologise for this.

**_Hair is dripping, hiding that I'm terrified._ **

_\- Still Sane, Lorde_

 

Ashton was snuggled up beside his nan on the sofa as George took the little ones up to bed. An old rerun of a soap Ashton had only ever heard of before was playing on the television but the curly-haired boy wasn't watching it really.

His hands were trembling a little bit as he fisted the patchwork blanket they were both sitting under and his shower-damp hair was just dry enough that it was beginning to curl up again. He'd left his new glasses in his bedroom since they were beginning to make his head ache so everything was pleasantly fuzzy now.

It could have made Ashton feel vulnerable but, in reality, it just made him feel small and safe sitting cuddled up with his nan.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked Grace in a hesitant voice, his hazel eyes flickering up to her face and then away again quickly. His nan shifted a little so that she was facing him properly.

"Of course, Ash," she said, wrapping the blanket more securely around her grandson's narrow shoulders. "What is it?"

"I... You might not like it," Ashton breathed out and Grace frowned for a moment before she reached for the remote control and turned the television off.

"What do you want to ask, pet?" she asked with an encouraging smile that Ashton was pretty sure would soon be gone from her face.

"Have..." He swallowed past the lump in his throat, blinking hard as he tried again. "Have you heard from mum, nan?"

Rather than looking upset, Grace simply looked mildly surprised but also a bit _resigned_ , maybe like she'd expected this but was shocked that it had taken Ashton so long to ask her.

"I... I'm afraid there isn't much to _say_ ," Grace replied with a touch a sadness. "You already know that Anne refused help at the hospital and..." Grace's brows pulled together as she frowned. Ashton wished he'd never brought it up when he saw her eyes shining with what _might_ have been tears. "I haven't heard from her since. It's been months since we've last had any contact."

Ashton tried to tell his nan that it didn't matter, that she didn't need to say anything else, but all that came out was a small choking sound as he had to fight to swallow a sob. Grace petted his curls gently, her cold fingertips brushing lightly across his scalp, and Ashton closed his eyes despite himself. He'd always loved having his hair played with. Not that many people ever _had_ really but the thought was there all the same.

"How's school at the moment?" Grace asked, apparently keen to change the subject. "I feel like I don't ask you enough."

"That's just because I stay in my room a lot," Ashton said with just a _touch_ of bitterness. His room was the only place he could truly allow himself to _feel_ in and his arms were scarred with the crushing weight of his emotions.

"I..." Ashton tried to focus on the question and his mouth twisted a little bit when he did. "Um... Music has been going pretty well. I... uh... I got a C+ for my project. Highest grade I've ever got, I think."

He paused, looking pleased for a moment, and Grace smiled fondly, stroking his hair again. Ashton blinked his eyes shut sleepily and rested his head on her shoulder, hoping that his hair was dry enough by now that he wasn't going to get her clothes all wet.

"It... It's not that nice there anymore though," Ashton continued sleepily, too tired after a long day of football training and walking home with Luke to really comprehend what he was saying anymore. "I mean, not that it's ever really been _nice_ but... y'know, now it sucks even more."

"And why's that?" Grace asked in that carefully controlled voice that adults always used when they thought they were _finally_ getting somewhere. Ashton didn't see the point in lying though.

"Calum and Michael aren't really friends anymore so things are awkward and sad."

Ashton blinked his tired eyes open slowly as he picked at a loose thread on the blanket distractedly. The quilt was made up of lots of different coloured hexagons in all sorts of colours but the one that stood out most was an icy blue that reminded Ashton of a certain blond boy's eyes.

"They don't get along anymore?" Grace asked with a frown. "But they always seemed so happy when I met them. What happened?"

Ashton was still thinking about Luke's eyes and the fluttery feeling he got in his stomach when he looked at the younger boy that was _so_ far from hate that it wasn't _true_. He felt sort of like her answer to this question was important somehow and maybe that was why he hesitated before replying.

"Michael told Calum he loved him and Calum got scared and they didn't talk for _weeks_ ," Ashton said in a rush, biting his lip and falling silent as he gauged her reaction. After all, he wasn't sure what her stance on same-sex couples was and this was as good a way as any to find out. (Not that Ashton _needed_ to of course because he _wasn't fucking gay, damnit_ , but, whatever, it didn't hurt to check.)

"That's a shame," she said softly, looking like she meant it. Her arm wrapped more securely around Ashton and he sniffled pathetically. "It's very sad that they can't be together but I suppose, with love, things are often decidedly _not_ simple."

Ashton got even sadder then, turning and burying his face in her shoulder so that she wouldn't see the tears that were threatening to spill down his cheeks.

"Oh, love," she murmured and her voice was strained, like she was trying not to cry too. "You've been so brave. I know things haven't been easy for you." She brushed his damp curls aside and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, murmuring something that sounded a lot like: " _My brave boy_ " under her breath.

By the time George came back into the living room, both Ashton and Grace were wrapped around each other, sobbing.

"Oh, you silly, soppy things," George said with a soft sigh but there was a watery smile on his face as squeezed down onto the chair too and enveloped the pair of them in a hug.

Ashton gave his grandpa a damp grin but there was still tears rolling down his cheeks so he was fairly certain it had missed the mark by quite a long stretch.

"Things will be alright," George promised them and, although this made Grace calm down and wipe her eyes, it didn't have quite the same effect on Ashton.

His heart still felt like it was crumbling in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was okay! Please let me know :)


	50. Out Of His Depth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“I bet you’re cute when you’re hyper,” Luke said and Ashton spluttered, a mixture of indignant and freaking-the-fuck-out because what the hell did Luke mean by that?!_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke, you little shit.

**_I know you said,_ **

**_That you don’t like it complicated,_ **

**_That we should try to keep it simple,_ **

**_But love is never simple, no._ **

_– Clouds, One Direction_

 

Ashton had excused himself to go upstairs to bed at around nine o’clock, feeling drained and just a little bit broken after the _extraordinarily_ long day he’d had, which was of course the moment his mobile chimed with a new text message.

Ashton shushed his phone uselessly as he cleaned his teeth and opened the message, trying not to drop the device into the sink. His heart fluttered uselessly in his chest when his hazel eyes scanned the message.

**[From LUKE] Received at 21:04**

**Wanna stay over at mine tonight? Everyone’s away this weekend so we can have a movie night downstairs if you like?? :) Luke x**

Ashton left his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth as he started back downstairs again, and his grandparents both looked over at him with a mixture of tired amusement and surprise when they saw him standing there.

“What are you doing, Ashton?” George asked curiously and Ashton held his mobile out for them to see as he continued brushing his teeth, his curls a flyaway mess framing his face now that they’d properly dried.

George squinted and pulled his reading glasses onto his nose from where they’d been hanging around his neck, and Ashton smiled despite himself. Grace peered over her husband’s shoulder too and Ashton waited with bated breath, relaxing when they both agreed since it was a Saturday night and he didn’t have to work the next day so it didn’t matter if he was tired.

He hurried upstairs to shove some clean clothes into a bag for the next morning and, once he’d grabbed what he needed from the bathroom and finally remembered to remove the toothbrush from his mouth, he was good to go.

“Thanks, nan, grandpa,” he said, sticking his head round the door as he struggled into a hoody over the dark grey sweatpants and navy blue long-sleeved shirt he wore as pyjamas.

“This will be the first time you’ve gone round there, won't it?” George asked and Ashton nodded as he hopped around on one foot with his backpack dangling from his shoulder, struggling into his battered trainers. “Have fun then – and be responsible! We’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

Ashton wondered what that was supposed to mean but decided not to comment, instead just nodding and waving before he quietly let himself out into the night.

It was uncomfortably chilly and Ashton unlocked his phone with shaky fingers as he hurried down the long, winding drive and onto the strip of pavement beside the dimly lit road. He tapped out a message as he walked along and he’d already sent it by the time he had started walking up Luke’s family’s vast driveway.

**[To LUKE] Sent at 21:19**

**GET THE DOOR OPEN PLEASE I’M FREEZING MY BALLS OFF OUT HERE!!! :O X**

The blond boy was laughing at the text message when he opened the front door but, when he saw Ashton hurrying towards him, his expression softened and he pushed his phone into his pocket.

“Hey, Ash,” Luke smiled, pulling the older boy into a hug that totally _didn’t_ leave Ashton breathless, thank you very much. “How’re you doing? I know earlier was… well, quite a _lot_ shit. Sorry about that.” The younger boy rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and Ashton gave a half-hearted shrug, tightening his grip around Luke’s waist for a moment before he pulled back unwillingly, shivering in the sudden cold.

Luke frowned and shut the front door, locking it securely behind him, before he carefully took Ashton’s bag from him and set it on the floor – Ashton stared at it helplessly like he was never going to see it again – before catching Ashton’s hand and lightly tugging the anxious-looking boy down the shadowy hallway.

Their footsteps echoed on the marble floor and Ashton could feel his eyebrows rising higher and higher as they walked along quietly through the gloom towards what looked like a kitchen at the end. There was buttery golden light spilling out into the darkness and Ashton managed to suppress his sigh when Luke dropped his hand to dash on ahead, bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet.

Ashton let his gaze drift to his surroundings as he heard Luke opening the fridge. Everything was lot more _lavish_ in Luke’s house, he noted. While George and Grace seemed to prefer wood and patchwork quilts, relaxed and _comfortable_ furniture, Luke’s home was all polished stone and sharp edges.

It didn’t look _lived-in_ and Ashton’s theory was only confirmed when he saw Luke rummaging through the a colossal, two-door fridge with the uncomfortable look of someone who didn’t quite feel like they belonged there.

“Coke or Pepsi?” Luke asked, his voice muffled with the low sound of the fridge. Ashton jumped when he realised Luke was addressing him and struggled to order his thoughts.

“Um… can I just have some water please? Like, fizzy drinks make me really hyper so…”

“I bet you’re cute when you’re hyper,” Luke said and Ashton spluttered, a mixture of indignant and _freaking-the-fuck-out_ because what the hell did Luke mean by _that_?!

“But very well,” Luke said in this stupid lofty voice, like he _hadn’t_ just called Ashton cute. “Water it is. Unless you want juice? We have juice. Like, five different kinds.”

“Wow, five different kinds of juice,” Ashton said sarcastically but he could tell his cheeks were flaming by the slight smirk Luke sent his way. Ashton did his best startled goldfish impression because it wasn’t _fair_. Luke _knew_ what he was doing and –

“Ash? I asked you what juice you wanted?”

Ashton mumbled something incoherent and pointed to the apple juice Luke was offering him with a weak scowl on his face. He wasn’t sure how he felt about this cocky-but-still-friendly Luke yet. He was like a mixture of all of the different versions Ashton had met so far and it was kind of messing with his head.

“What film do you want to watch then?” Luke asked as he handed Ashton a glass with a pink straw in it – the older boy glowered and Luke sniggered – before he cracked open a can of Pepsi. “We could watch V For Vendetta if you want? I like that film.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ashton said, shrugging as he followed Luke into a large living room. “I haven’t seen it in a while. It's one of my favourites though.”

The walls of the unfamiliar room were a jade green and the floor was a dark hardwood. The sofa was a vast, sprawling thing covered with black cushions and there was a strange, low coffee table that seemed to be made of a mixture of metal and glass. There was a little bonsai tree sitting on top of it.

Ashton felt like he shouldn’t touch anything in case he broke it.

“It’s one of mine too,” Luke admitted, grinning and pushing Ashton down onto the sofa before he went over to the large flat screen on the wall and started fiddling with some of the buttons. “The ending is really cool. I like all the fireworks.”

Ashton sat awkwardly on the edge of the sofa, letting out a tiny squeak when he felt himself sinking back into it, and Luke laughed at him as he put the DVD in.

“You need to sit further back, like on the pillows properly. Otherwise you just sink. I’ve been telling mum for _ages_ that we need a new sofa but she says she doesn’t want to redo this room yet because we’ve only had it this way for like half a year or something. I wanted something with more blues and stuff. Like, Aleisha has the nicest living room ever, I _swear_. It’s got like this massive fish tank thing in it that separates it from the dining room and it’s _so_ cool. I said that when mum asked us what ideas we had but apparently she wasn’t impressed with that idea. Said it was _tacky_ or something. You should see my parents’ stupid bedroom if you want to see _tacky_. They’ve got this stupid leopard-print throw on the bed. It’s _ridiculous_.”

Ashton forced himself to laugh, feeling sad and lonely despite the company, and _very_ out of his depth.

“I’m having fireworks for my birthday,” Luke said suddenly as the adverts began to play. Luke hit the menu button hopefully but it wouldn’t let him skip the trailers. The blond boy sighed and petulantly threw the remote down onto the coffee table, apparently sulking.

Ashton shifted uncomfortably, feeling a bit sick although he wasn’t sure why. He kind of wanted to go home which was _ridiculous_ because he’d only just got there.

“Your birthday’s after mine though, isn’t it?” Ashton asked after a moment and Luke nodded. “God, I don’t even know what to _do_ for mine. Nan wanted me to do something properly, with people from school and stuff, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I’m not in year five anymore. Like, I don’t think party rings and musical chairs would go down all that well.”

‘ _Also I have no friends at school besides Michael and Cal but that’s… whatever._ ’

Luke laughed. “Yeah, maybe not such a great idea. I mean, you’re gonna be eighteen, right? So you’ve gotta do something _good_!”

Ashton shrugged uncomfortably. He knew his grandparents had a lot of money and were _perfectly_ content to spend it on him and the little ones, but that didn’t mean he was comfortable accepting things because he really, _really_ wasn’t.

“I’m sure I’ll sort something out,” the older boy said doubtfully and Luke opened his mouth, probably to make some sort of comment that would result in Ashton suppressing the urge to either punch him or kiss him – wait, scratch that last one, punching would be _more_ than fine – but Ashton had chosen that moment to take a sip of his drink for the first time.

“Oh _god_!” Ashton mumbled, clapping his hand over his mouth as the blond boy looked up in concern. “Apple juice after toothpaste was a _really_ bad idea!”

Luke’s peal of surprised laughter rang out through the otherwise empty house like a ghost, and Ashton had never thought such a happy sound could be _sad_ before, but he did then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was okay. I have plans...  
> Also things got too _nice_ between Ashton and Luke, so I kind of need to rectify that in my next few updates...  
>  Um... sorry...  
> Please let me know what you think!


	51. Get Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton glanced up and nearly swallowed his tongue when he saw that Luke was halfway out of his shirt and changing into what was presumably his pyjama top. He was all pale skin and lean muscles rippling, and he was actually a lot less slight than Ashton had first imagined. (Not that he'd been imagining Luke shirtless though...)_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feels, angst, feels, angst... Sorry!

_**I tell myself you don't mean a thing,** _

_**And what we got, got no hold on me,** _

_**But when you're not there I just crumble.** _

_**I tell myself I don't care that much,** _

_**But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch.** _

_\- Only Love Can Hurt Like This, Paloma Faith_

 

Luke had a balcony in his bedroom and, although the glass doors were shut tightly to keep the wintery chill out, Ashton could still make out the sky beyond the trees. It was an inky black but it was dusted with stars as bright as glitter and so beautiful that it took Ashton's breath away as he gazed out at them with shining eyes.

"It's really pretty," Ashton mumbled distractedly as he let his backpack slip through his fingers and land lightly on the floor.

"What's that?" Luke asked, looking over at him. Ashton glanced up and nearly swallowed his tongue when he saw that Luke was halfway out of his shirt and changing into what was presumably his pyjama top. He was all pale skin and lean muscles rippling, and he was actually a _lot_ less slight than Ashton had first imagined. (Not that he _had_ been imagining Luke shirtless though...)

"The stars tonight. They're really pretty," Ashton mumbled, wrong-footed and flushing, and Luke shot him a warm but slightly puzzled look as he glanced out of the window too.

"I guess you're right," he agreed before he disappeared into his little ensuite, leaving the door open as he cleaned his teeth at the sink. Ashton purposefully didn't look at the way the shorts Luke was wearing clung to his thighs or how unexpectedly _good_ his seemingly endless legs looked as he shifted wearily in front of the mirror, stretching. Ashton didn't even _glance_  (much).

"You can choose a side of the bed," Luke called thickly around his toothbrush when, in the mirror, he spotted Ashton hovering in the middle of the room awkwardly. The older boy looked up, startled, before he turned to look at the king-sized bed Luke had.

As Ashton carefully pulled back a corner of the duvet and quickly climbed in - because it was _cold_ standing on a wooden floor in June - he wondered if sharing a bed with your friend was a _normal_ thing for people to do. He supposed it probably was. He'd seen films and stuff where that happened after all, except in those films, people usually ended up together or discussing the people they _liked_ or something and - _hell_ , Ashton couldn't exactly do that without outing himself...

"You look sad again," Luke noted as he rinsed his mouth out and turned away from the mirror, heading into the dark room. Luke hesitated and fidgeted a bit, looking uncomfortable and distracted. "It's really hot in here, I swear," he mumbled and then his shirt was falling onto the floor again and it was a good thing Ashton had already been sitting up because suddenly having the duvet bunched up in his lap was a _very_ necessary thing.

"Aren't you hot too, Ash?" Luke asked, brushing his blond hair back from his forehead. Ashton was doing his best not to look at Luke's damn chest as the younger boy spoke and, now that Ashton thought about it, Luke's cheeks _were_ kind of flushed.

"I'm cold," Ashton said which probably would have been the _truth_ if Luke had still been wearing a shirt. Ashton shifted uncomfortably and, _god_ , if he kept this up then Luke was going to _know._

"Then you need a hug," Luke declared before - ' _Oh fuck_ ,' Ashton thought wildly - with a smirk, the younger boy literally _launched_ himself on top of Ashton, giggling all the while. The curly-haired boy squeaked because, _somehow_ , his hands had ended up on Luke's bare chest and there was a lot of warm skin that he hadn't been prepared for and, _shit_ , this was going to end badly.

Ashton tried pleading with his dick but he could still feel it hardening further against his leg because it clearly hated him, just like everything _else_ did.

' _Please dont feel. Please don't feel. **Please**.'_

Maybe his discomfort showed on his face because Luke looked unsure of himself for a moment as his smirk slipped a little. "What? What's wrong?" Luke asked and, suddenly, words Ashton hadn't even realised were _bothering_ him had slipped out of his mouth.

"What you said before," he said suddenly. "About not being able to bring yourself to do anything with... with Aleisha." Ashton didn't know why he was asking this or _why_ he could feel jealousy unfurling in his stomach but it made him feel _sick_. "Um... what did you mean by that?"

Luke's brows drew together as he pushed himself up into a sitting position which, sure, probably would have been _better_ if he hadn't been sitting _right_ on Ashton's dick.

"Why'd you ask?" Luke said uncomfortably and Ashton sort of mentally kicked himself because ' _I might be trying to convince myself I'm straight but the thought of you fucking your girlfriend makes me sick with jealousy_ ' would just _not_ go down well. Like, _at all_.

"Because I've never even kissed someone so I wondered how far you'd gone," Ashton mumbled which, okay, _wasn't_ a lie and, while it had the desired effect of reducing Luke's frown, Ashton still wished he hadn't said it.

"Sorry, that question was out of order," Ashton mumbled, his cheeks flaming as he lay flat on his back, gazing up at Luke and - _fuck_ , why was he _still_ hard?!

"It's okay, Ash," Luke promised and, although there was still a very faint frown marring his face after Ashton had mentioned Luke's girlfriend, the blond boy mostly just looked curious.

"You expect me to believe that you've _never_ kissed someone though?" Luke demanded, cocking his head to the side as he peered down at an increasingly red-cheeked Ashton. "But you're _hot_ ," he said blankly, like it made perfect sense.

Ashton choked on air.

"Shut up," he mumbled when he could breathe again. "You're talking crap."

"I'm not," Luke said but his cheeks were almost as red as Ashton's now. "So... you've _really_ never kissed someone properly before?"

Ashton bit his lip and shook his head jerkily, his shame clear on his face. He didn't think being so tired you felt _drunk_ at sleepovers and pecking your best friends on the lips for dares really counted.

"Hmmm..." Luke said slowly, tilting his head and licking his lips unconsciously. Ashton gazed up at him with wide, apprehensive eyes. "Guess we'll just have to fix that then, won't we?"

Luke looked like he was heading for Ashton's lips first but he seemed to change his mind at the last moment and aimed for the older boy's cheek. He messed up though and, when his lips lightly brushed the corner of Ashton's full lips, he seemed to almost _melt_.

Ashton let loose a sound like he'd been hurt and then Luke's lips were moving against his with more intensity and Ashton's hips pushed up despite himself and Luke made a small, surprised sound as he parted his lips and his tongue was just lightly stroking across Ashton's when -

Luke's phone started ringing.

Ashton's eyes snapped open and he could see Luke staring at him with wide eyes, his face draining of colour like he was realising what he'd just done.

His phone continued to ring.

"Ashton," Luke gasped brokenly. "Ash, I'm so sorry."

' _Sorry I touched you. Sorry I kissed you. Sorry I made you think you could ever actually_ belong _to someone, even for a moment._ '

Ashton could practically hear Luke saying it. He couldn't blame him but that didn't mean that the horrified look in Luke's eyes didn't fucking _sting_. He couldn't breathe properly.

The phone was still ringing.

Luke glanced at the display and went even whiter.

"I need to get this," he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly before he rolled off of Ashton - and he didn't need to worry about being hard anymore, no fucking _way_. He didn't think he'd ever been _less_ hard in his life - and answered his phone.

"Hiya, Leish," Luke said guiltily, flushing as red now as he'd been white earlier. "How're you doing, babe? Yeah? Aw, that's great. Yeah, let me just -" Luke shot Ashton one last, apologetic look as he spoke before he disappeared into the ensuite and shut the door quietly behind him.

Ashton felt a tear roll down his cheek but he didn't bother wiping it away. More would doubtlessly follow.

Ashton didn't think he'd ever felt so awful in his _life_ and, with a hurriedly stifled sob, he kicked the covers away from him and scrambled from the bed, darting over to his backpack to pick it up. He pulled it up onto his shoulder and let himself out of Luke's bedroom, hurrying down the wide, sweeping staircase, through the dark hallway, and then he was struggling into his peeling trainers and letting himself out into the cold night.

He couldn't stay there. He had to get out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :)


	52. Being Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He wished it would stop. He wished he didn't hurt anymore. He wished everything would just be fucking_ over _already._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm... sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have written today.

**_My fingertips are holding onto the,_**

**_Cracks in our foundations,_ **

**_And I know that I should let go,_**

**_But I can't._ **

_\- Foundations, Kate Nash_

 

Ashton slept in the third garage that night.

It was probably a stupid idea because it was fucking _freezing_ out there but there was a low sofa and a couple of woollen blankets his nan had given him a few weeks back, so he supposed it could have been worse.

At least he wasn't with Luke now, with Luke who had shown him a split second of what being _loved_ felt like, before he had snatched it away again.

Ashton left his jumper and his trainers on as he sank down onto the sofa, hauling the blankets up over his shaking form as he slowly fell apart, and the full-body shudders that tore through him weren't _just_ because of the cold.

If he'd felt like he was breaking before, now he was being torn apart, ripped into a million pieces and scattered in the wind. He couldn't stand the sheer _agony_ of it, even if he didn't understand _why_ it was so painful.

All he could think of was _Luke_ , with his ridiculously quiffed blond hair and the shiny lip-ring and those fucking _eyes_.

Ashton released another sound like he'd been hurt but this one was worse somehow. It was a heartbroken sound, utterly devastated and so _lonely_ that he bit down hard on his knuckles in a vain attempt to keep his sobs in.

When blood flooded his mouth and his fist began to sting sharply, a little of the fog of ' _no no no god Luke **why**_ ' began to fade away.

He pushed himself into a sitting position, choking on his sobs as he wiped his face hard with his sleeve.

It was still icy in the garage but his cheeks were flushed from crying and he'd got himself into such a state that his curls were sticking to his forehead with sweat. He dragged his jumper and the long-sleeved navy shirt over his head, discarding them on the floor as his eyes burnt with tears, blinding him. His breathing was ragged as the knot in his chest _squeezed_ but the throbbing of his knuckles was clearing his head.

When his nails bit into the soft skin of his stomach and drew blood, the tears in his eyes faded, leaving only a glassy stare behind. When his nails raked down his chest and left livid red marks behind, the tightness in his chest eased a little. When he'd marked the soft skin on his hips with bruises and crescent moon-shaped cuts from his nails, he stopped.

It wasn't enough, he reasoned, but then, it probably never _would_ be.

He wished it would stop. He wished he didn't hurt anymore. He wished everything would just be fucking _over_ already.

Ashton wondered why he didn't do anything about that. He _could_.

It would be _easy_ but...

Lauren. Harry. His grandparents. His _mum_. Michael and Calum.

 _ **Luke**_.

That was what it all boiled down to in the end.

Fucking _Luke_.

Ashton shivered unexpectedly and he leant forwards, snagging his shirt and jumper from the floor and wriggling back into them, his teeth gritted when the clothes dragged against the scratches. The knot was looser now but his eyes were still glassy and his heart _ached_ in his chest.

He half-heartedly hoped that maybe he wouldn't wake up the next morning but, deep down, he knew he would _never_ be that lucky.

In the end, Ashton thought maybe it was a _good_ thing he'd fallen asleep before he summoned enough energy to creep into the house and look for his razors.

He figured the likelihood of him making the morning if _that_ had been the case would have been relatively small, and the fact that the idea didn't even _bother_ him was a testament to _just_ how far gone he was.

' _Luke_ ,' Ashton thought dimly as he finally tumbled over the edge into unconsciousness. ' _Fucking **Luke**_.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't very nice and it was more filler than anything. Sorry.  
> Hopefully it was okay though.


	53. Acting Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Was it Hemmings?” Calum asked softly and the look Ashton shot the younger boy was nothing short of betrayed. Calum made a small, wounded noise as he looked away but Ashton was distracted by Michael’s cheeks flushing as red as his hair._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few days - I haven't been in the right frame of mind to write but I _have_ planned out up until chapter _80_ or something ridiculous like that, and that's not even the end so... Yeah, stick around if you wanna :)  
>  It means a lot.

**_That’s when it all just fell apart._ **

**_Like you’re so perfect,_ **

**_And I can’t measure up._ **

**_Well I’m not perfect._ **

**_Just all messed up._ **

_– Everything I’m Not, The Veronicas_

 

When Ashton climbed numbly from his car on Monday morning and saw his two best friends – ‘ _his **only** best friends, fuck Luke, **fuck** him!_’ – Ashton saw that they didn’t look much better than _him_.

Calum looked grey-faced and tired, and Michael just looked drained.

Calum was bundled up in a thick, long-sleeved sweatshirt over his school uniform with his hair naturally fluffy. It didn’t even look like he’d _brushed_ it properly and he seemed to be aware of the fact, self-consciously flattening it with his thin hands which, now that Ashton thought about it, looked like they were _shaking_ a bit. He guessed the cold was maybe just getting to him.

Ashton’s hazel eyes flickered over to Michael as he sloped slowly across the car park, his arms folded tightly across his chest and throbbing with pain from the deeper cuts he’d made that morning. Normally he just got them to stop bleeding and left them uncovered but he’d had to bandage them up that morning after he’d got a little heavy-handed. He didn’t much care though.

“Morning,” he said in a rough voice when the red-haired boy raised his hand in a slightly awkward greeting. Michael’s cherry-red hair was in utter disarray, like he’d been raking his fingers through it, and his green eyes were worried.

Ashton decided that he would do his best to act like everything was okay. He didn’t want to upset them anymore.

“Why’d you look all messed up again, Ashton?” Michael demanded and the curly-haired boy felt his shoulders slump as he came to a halt in from of them, his backpack dangling from one shoulder, his curls hanging down to hide his eyes.

‘ _So much for acting okay_.’

“I’m alright,” he mumbled, waving his hand vaguely as he passed them and entered the welcoming warmth of the school. Calum drifted along beside him, his dark eyes fixed on the floor as they headed towards their first class: chemistry.

Michael hurried up behind them, his illicit sneakers making a squeaking sound on the linoleum that made the students getting things out of their lockers look up with a frown, only to quickly look away when they saw who it was that was making the racket.

“That’s fucking bullshit and you know it, Ash!” Michael said loudly and a passing teacher’s weary: “Mr Clifford! Watch your language!” was ignored as Michael grabbed Ashton’s shoulder and pulled him to a stop.

“Tell me what’s wrong with you,” Michael said in a much softer voice that might even have been _endearing_ if he hadn’t backed Ashton up against a locker. Calum hovered nearby, his expression a curious mixture of wistfulness and concern.

“ _Nothing_ ,” Ashton lied but it must have showed on his face because neither Michael nor Calum looked particularly impressed. “ _Look_ , I just…” But Ashton’s voice wobbled and Michael’s brows drew together as he thought it through.

“Was it Hemmings?” Calum asked softly and the look Ashton shot the younger boy was nothing short of betrayed. Calum made a small, wounded noise as he looked away but Ashton was distracted by Michael’s cheeks flushing as red as his hair.

“What the _fuck_ did he do to you?” Michael growled in a voice that was _so_ menacing in its forced gentleness that Ashton felt the hairs on the back of his neck rising. Michael looked so… so _furious_ that Ashton found himself flinching away from him with a soft, broken whine.

He was… _frightened_.

“ _Nothing_!” Ashton said desperately. “He… we just…”

Ashton sagged and Calum darted forwards, his arms wrapping securely around the curly-haired boy’s waist. Michael’s expression was twisted as he looked at Ashton over Calum’s shoulder, and it was only the football captain’s arms holding Ashton close that kept him upright.

“He kissed me.”

Michael looked apoplectic with rage as his fist drove into the metal of the locker beside the one Ashton was leaning against, and it was only Calum whispering gentle words into his ear that soothed Ashton enough to avoid a panic attack.

“He’s hurting you. I fucking _told_ him and he said he wouldn’t!”

Ashton whimpered and Calum stroked his curls softly as he held him, one arm looped gently around Ashton’s neck while his thin hand settled on the curly-haired boy’s waist protectively.

“That’s it,” Michael said frankly, his fiery green eyes _blazing_. “I’m going to fucking _kill_ him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update again either tonight or tomorrow morning - Michael is _really_ mad about this... Luke better hide...  
>  (Please let me know what you thought) :)  
> Thank you for reading <3


	54. Promised Violence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“He hurt your feelings. Now I’m going to hurt his face,” Michael said as he marched through Luke’s front garden, purposefully trampling on the flowers outside, and rang the doorbell, holding his finger down on it so that it chimed for an irritatingly long time._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh! Angst! Feels!  
> Trigger warning for a VERY slight mention of blood if you're squeamish... although i should probably have mentioned blood in this fic WAAAY before now...  
> Sorry about that...

**_Your eyes stare and they’re staring right through me._ **

**_You’re right there but it’s like you never knew me._**  

_– Revenge (Is Sweeter Than You Ever Were), The Veronicas_

 

Michael was quietly seething all day long.

Every time he slammed his chair back under the desk or barked something at one of the younger students who had done something to annoy him – like breathe too loudly or accidentally make eye contact with him – Ashton flinched like he’d been electrocuted and Michael would immediately calm down, brushing the tears away from the curly-haired boy's cheeks with the pads of his thumbs and cooing softly.

And then Michael would remember and his expression would cloud over as he got angry.  _Again_.

Ashton was quite certain that all of Michael’s mood swings were going to give him whiplash or something and the older boy could tell, just by  _looking_ at Calum, that the dark-haired boy felt the same. They were both on edge and Calum looked faintly  _sick_ as he sat beside Ashton at their usual table in the canteen at lunch, his hands balling up into fists inside the sleeves of his sweatshirt as he sipped from his water bottle and politely declined Ashton’s offer of crisps.

“I wish I’d never said anything,” Ashton mumbled into the sandwiches he was picking at and Michael looked up sharply, his green eyes flashing.

“You were  _right_ to say, Ash,” the red-haired boy said and Calum nodded from Ashton’s other side, patting the older boy’s knee before he pulled his sleeves back down to cover his hands again. Ashton frowned, his worried hazel eyes tracking the movement. It was strange but it looked  _almost_ like –

“I can’t wait for the end of the day,” Michael said suddenly in a hard voice that promised violence. Ashton tore his eyes away, startled, and saw Calum looking just as wary as he did.

“Why?” Ashton asked slowly, rubbing his chest uselessly as the knot tightened. “What’s going to happen?”

Ashton didn’t find out until the school bell rang and his two best friends climbed into the backseat of his car without asking.

“Oh…” Ashton mumbled, frowning. “Uh… You’re coming home with me then?”

“We just need a lift,” Michael said idly as he glanced out of the window. Ashton turned the key in the ignition and twisted in his seat so that he could safely back out of the space.

“Where are you going then?” he asked and Michael smiled tightly.

“Luke’s house.”

Ashton spluttered, immediately opening his mouth to let loose a litany of: “ _Michael_! What?!  _No_! Don’t be fucking stupid!” but the red-haired boy just shook his head and sat back in his seat, folding his arms across his chest.

“It’ll be alright,” Michael lied unconvincingly. Beside him, Calum paled a little. “I just want to  _talk_ to him,” Michael continued. “I won’t hurt him.  _Much_.” The last word was muttered but it still had Ashton’s eyes widening and his heart racing in his chest as he unwillingly drove them back to his house.

“Sorry, Ash,” Calum murmured just as Michael unbuckled his seatbelt – Ashton had insisted on him wearing it – and patted the older boy on the shoulder before he said, in a voice of forced cheeriness: “This’ll just take a moment!”

“I –  _what_?!“ Ashton demanded before he shook himself, chasing Michael out of the car and back down the driveway. Calum trailed after them. “Michael, what do you think you’re –  _stop_!”

“Why? He hurt your feelings. Now I’m going to hurt his face,” Michael said as he marched through Luke’s front garden, purposefully trampling on the flowers outside, and rang the doorbell, holding his finger down on it so that it chimed for an irritatingly long time.

“Alright! I’m coming!” a familiar voice shouted from inside and Ashton shrank back in fear, half wanting to run away but Calum’s arm was winding securely around his waist and the older boy wasn’t going _anywhere_.

Ashton let loose a little whine when Luke pulled the front door open and he quickly buried his face in Calum’s neck, but he was still slow enough that he saw what looked like lipstick smudged on Luke’s lips as the blond boy ran a hand through his ruffled hair uncomfortably, his shirt rumpled.

“Oh shit,” Luke said when he saw who it was.

Michael punched him in the face.

Ashton and Calum both cringed when they heard a crunch, and the older boy looked up jerkily, expecting to see Luke rolling around on the floor with a broken nose or something but,  _instead_ , he was greeted with the blond boy looking a bit glassy-eyed as he pinched his bleeding nose and Michael jumping around, clutching his hand and hissing like an angry goose.

Apparently he’d forgotten how to form a proper fist, if the clearly broken thumb he was sporting now was anything to go by.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Michael whimpered, glaring at Luke but also going a very delicate shade of  _green_ as he peered down at his wrecked hand. Calum reached out hesitantly and gripped Michael’s shoulder, keeping him from messing up his  _other_ hand trying to punch Luke again or something stupid, and for once, Michael didn’t brush Calum away.

“What the fuck was that for?” Luke demanded, his voice coming out distorted due to the swelling.

A tiny, probably slightly hysterical part of Ashton’s brain piped up that Luke sounded  _funny_ talking like that but, mostly, it was just crying because Luke’s beautiful ocean-blue eyes had just looked at him, _through_ him, and he hadn’t even said anything to him yet.

“You need to fucking leave Ashton alone, you stupid, self-important bastard!” Michael spat, swaying a little and clutching his hand tighter, like it really,  _really_ hurt him. Ashton brushed his tears away when he saw Michael glance back at him desperately and he tried to be brave as he caught his breath.

“It doesn’t matter, Michael,” he said in such a steady voice that he was proud of himself for a moment, before the self-loathing came flooding back in, just like it  _always_ did. “It doesn’t mean anything. Lu– _Hemmings_ has made that pretty clear. C’mon.”

“Well done,” Calum breathed, giving Ashton’s side a subtle squeeze from where his hand was still wrapped around him, and Michael opened his mouth again, perhaps to say something else, but he stiffened when another figure appeared in the doorway.

“Lukey? What’s going on?”

It was a girl with the sort of soft, sugary voice that Ashton  _immediately_ distrusted. He understood why when she came into view and he realised who it was from some  _not_ -so-subtle stalking on Facebook.

When Luke spoke next, it confirmed it.

“Nothing, Leish, honestly. Just go and wait in my room for me, ‘kay? It’s nothing.”

She ignored him, wrapping her arms around Luke’s waist and pressing a possessive kiss to the side of his neck. She  _glared_ at the three boys on the doorstep when her piercing eyes settled on them, taking in their public school uniforms and sneering unpleasantly.

“You’re bleeding,” she said to Luke in a cool voice. “Clearly it’s  _something_  – and what were they talking about? Why do you need to leave Ashton alone? Who’s  _Ashton_?”

Luke’s eyes flickered over to Ashton’s and his mask broke for a moment, became desperate and sad and  _terrified_ , before it was back in place again. Calum stiffened beside Ashton, and the curly-haired boy knew he’d seen it too.

“He’s no one,” Luke mumbled unconvincingly and Michael was almost  _spitting_ with rage at this point but Aleisha looked satisfied, leaning around Luke to give the door a hard slam shut.

By that point, Ashton was crying and he couldn’t stop, although Calum’s hand rubbing gentle, soothing circles on his back helped. Michael looked up at Ashton shakily, still an unpleasant ashen shade, and rested his forehead on Ashton’s shoulder for a moment, swaying like the pain in his hand was making him dizzy.

“I’m so,  _so_ sorry, Ash,” he breathed and Ashton squeezed his eyes shut tightly for a moment as another boiling tear escaped, sliding hotly down his cheek.

“Doesn’t matter,” Ashton choked out as Calum bent to kiss the top of his head chastely. “ _He_ doesn’t matter. Now… now c’mon… We need to get you to a hospital, Mike.”

Michael allowed Ashton and Calum to lead him down the driveway, and it was only as Ashton wiped his eyes hard with the sleeves of his jumper that he realised Michael really  _must_ be in pain if he had accepted it so easily.

“Maybe your uncle can take a look at your hand,” Ashton said in a weak attempt to comfort Michael and, although Calum gave the curly-haired boy another comforting squeeze, Michael had been distracted by the flicker of the living room curtain, like maybe someone was watching them through the downstairs window or something.

“You’re a fucking  _dick_ , Hemmings!” Michael shouted but of course he got no response.

Ashton and Calum spent the rest of the evening with Michael in A&E.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is okay :) I wrote it quite quickly so I'll edit it properly later :)  
> Let me know what you think please!


	55. Promptly Destroyed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Calum was quiet for so long that Ashton didn’t think he was going to answer but, when he did, he felt his blood run cold, and honestly, if alarm bells had been ringing before, they were_ deafening _him now because something was_ wrong _._  
>  _“My head’s not always the nicest place to be in.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how happy I am with this update.  
> Hopefully it's okay!  
> Enjoy :)

**_Oh spaces between us,_ **

**_Keep getting deeper._ **

**_It’s harder to reach you,_ **

**_Even though I try_.**

_– Spaces, One Direction_

 

Michael and Calum stayed over at Ashton’s the next night.

They’d dragged down lots of duvets and pillows from the house – well, _Michael_ hadn’t because he had been too busy complaining about his hand and showing anyone who would stop long enough his impressive pink cast (although he carefully avoided mentioning _how_ he’d managed to break three bones) – and pulled the sofa out into a big – albeit creaky – double bed.

Ashton had wriggled in between Michael and Calum by some unspoken agreement, since no one wanted the awkward silences that would inevitably fall if Michael and Calum accidentally did something overly friendly to each other and _remembered_.

So yeah, Ashton was cuddled up in between them and it was a lot better that way because it meant he could hold both of their hands and they could still pretend that things were okay.

They had All Time Low playing softly from the tinny speakers in the corner of the room to break the silence as the three flopped down on the squeaky bed, tired after a long day at school and not particularly relishing the thought of getting up early the next day and going again.

Ashton glanced towards his best friends and gave a muffled sort of sniffle when he realised how _lucky_ he was to have them. He was fairly certain a lot of people wouldn’t stick around, especially after all the shit he’d put them both through, and he couldn’t help but feel a lump rise in his throat when Calum squeezed his hand, cuddling closer behind him, as Michael smiled at him comfortingly.

“You okay, bud?” Calum asked softly and Ashton sniffed hard, nodding. Michael rolled his eyes fondly and, being careful of his hand, wriggled closer so that Ashton could tuck his head under the red-haired boy’s chin.

“I just –“ Ashton wondered why he was even _trying_ to explain himself since they clearly weren’t going to _make_ him talk. “It’s… I’m just so _fucked_ _up_ , y’know? But you two still stick around. And I’m _so_ grateful for that.”

“It’s not something you need to be _grateful_ for, silly,” Calum admonished softly, his cold nose brushing the back of Ashton’s neck as he snuggled in closer. “Honestly, we _love_ you, Ashy. It’s about all we _are_ sure of these days but… but we love you. We’re not going anywhere.”

Michael looked upset at that but he still nodded in agreement, stroking Ashton’s cheek gently before his good hand dropped to hesitantly squeeze Calum’s shoulder. The youngest boy gave a muffled sob and tucked his head into Ashton’s shoulder, biting back the tears.

“And besides,” Michael said softly, his green eyes warm although Ashton could see the worry buried in them as they flickered swiftly over to Calum and away again, just as quickly. “Everyone’s a _little_ bit fucked up, mate,” he said and Ashton laughed uncomfortably, tearful.

“What do you mean?” he mumbled, hiding his face in Michael’s neck again as the red-haired boy played with his curls distractedly.

“Well, take _me_ for example,” Michael said slowly, and both Ashton and Calum looked up at him curiously. “I can’t stand small spaces. I’ve been known to faint at the sight of blood – _so_ punk rock, I know… I once cried because I found a spider in the bath…” His voice trailed away for a moment before it took on a threatening edge that was only _kind_ of a joke. “And if you ever tell _anyone_ I said that, I’ll probably have to beat you up.”

“Because you were so good at that yesterday,” Ashton muttered, tapping the fluorescent pink cast with a watery smirk. Ashton felt Calum’s lips curl into a smile against his neck.

“Shut up. You love me,” Michael retorted which _really_ didn’t make any sense. Ashton let him have it anyway and the three fell into an easy, calm silence which the red-haired boy promptly destroyed when he spoke next.

“What about you, Cal?” Michael asked, apparently still keen to try and cheer Ashton up. “Are you a little fucked up too?”

Calum stiffened as his thin, cold hands balled into fists against Ashton’s back, and the older boy shifted slightly to glance over his shoulder at Calum but the football captain’s face was hidden. Michael looked worried when Ashton turned back to face him, biting his full bottom lip like he’d just realised he’d fucked up.

“Well…” Calum said slowly and there was a slight shake to his voice that Ashton _really_ didn’t like. The youngest boy’s hands were flat now and he was holding Ashton tightly, like the older boy was a _shield_ between him and Michael or something.

Calum was quiet for so long that Ashton didn’t think he was going to answer but, when he did, he felt his blood run cold, and honestly, if alarm bells had been ringing before, they were _deafening_ him now because something was _wrong_.

“My head’s not always the nicest place to be in.”

Calum spoke jokingly, in a sort of humourless self-deprecating voice that made Ashton want to shake him hard before wrapping him in some sort of blanket.

“Cal?” the older boy asked softly but he got no reply.

Michael shifted uncomfortably, his eyes uneasy when it became clear that Calum was refusing to talk at all. Ashton didn’t know what to do but, in the end, he settled for removing Calum’s hand from his hip and holding it gently in his own larger pair instead.

There was a long, _long_ silence before Michael sighed, like he had resigned himself to the fact that things weren’t going to get any better now.

It was so strained and tense in the garage, Ashton half expected to see a _tumbleweed_ blow past, like something out of a bad western. The thought sent a peal of slightly hysterical laughter bubbling out of him and Michael looked at him like he was mad.

“Shall we listen to some Green Day instead?” the red-haired boy asked helplessly. Calum shrugged from behind Ashton.

“Sure,” the curly-haired boy said breathlessly as he carefully extricated himself from Calum’s grip so that he could cross over to Michael’s iPod in the dock. Calum whimpered, curling up into a ball and rolling so that he was facing the opposite direction to Michael.

The curly-haired boy’s chest tightened as he changed the playlist.

“Here we go,” he said roughly, _pained_.

Ashton was glad to break the silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought :)


	56. Anything But

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Ash, I… when I met you, it… it felt like maybe everything could be okay after all… and…” Luke's choked sob sounded down the phone and Ashton’s hand slipped up to cover his mouth of its own accord as tears began to roll down his cheeks silently._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh such _angst_!!  
>  I'm sorry...

**_I’m not okay, and it’s not alright._ **

**_Won’t you drag the lake and bring me home again?_ **

_– Drown, Bring Me The Horizon_

 

Ashton had just awkwardly suggested that they get some sleep – Calum hadn’t said anything at all in well over half an hour and Michael was rambling awkwardly because he was uncomfortable – when the older boy's mobile phone started to ring, the screen lighting up an eerie bluish-white in the darkness.

Ashton sighed, sitting up and twisting around to retrieve his phone from the arm of the sofa where he’d left it balanced precariously. He sucked in a shocked breath when he saw who was calling him.

**[Incoming call from LUKE]**

The red-haired boy leant over to look at the screen and, when he did, his face darkened.

“Are you gonna talk to him?” Michael asked in a small, angry little voice that made Ashton shiver. Beside him, Calum looked up, actually acknowledging that there were other people _there_ for the first time in as long as he’d stayed silent.

“I… _Yes_?” Ashton stammered and Michael nodded, like he’d expected as much.

“Put the bastard on speaker then,” the red-haired boy said roughly and Ashton did as he was asked, sliding his thumb across the screen to answer the call and thumbing the correct button.

Luke started talking immediately and it quickly became apparent that he was distressed. “Ashton, I am _so_ sorry! I had no right to treat you like that but I was really frightened and that’s _still_ no excuse but – ”

“Luke,” Ashton said sharply and the blond boy fell silent, his shaky breaths the only thing Ashton could hear over the phone line.

“ _What_?” Luke asked fearfully, suddenly sounding much closer, like he was holding the phone tightly to his face or something.

“I have nothing to say to you. Why are you calling me?” Ashton asked in as indifferent a voice as he could possibly manage.

“To… to apologise?” Luke mumbled and it sounded like a question. Michael sat up and folded his arms tightly across his chest, his red hair sticking up around his head like some sort of fiery halo. He looked for all the world like a disgruntled kitten in that moment as he eyed Luke's name on the screen disdainfully.

“But you keep treating me like shit, Luke,” Ashton said and, from his other side, Calum’s hand slipped to rub comforting patterns into his thigh, since the football captain was still lying down and it was all that he could reach. Ashton appreciated the gesture all the same and his free hand flew down to stroke Calum’s hair gently. Michael looked regretful.

“Maybe I don’t accept,” Ashton added and he felt like a _dick_ when he heard Luke’s sharp intake of breath, followed by a shaky one and an even _shakier_ one after that. It took Ashton a moment to realise that Luke was _crying_.

“ _Shit_ , Ash, I – I...  _please_. Just... Just  _please_ hear me out,” Luke gasped.

Ashton waited in silence, abruptly terrified because Luke had _never_ cried in front of him like this before. Calum had gone very still and nervous-looking, and even _Michael_ ’s eyes had widened, but he was stubborn too, and Ashton knew he wouldn’t forgive Luke easily.

“My… my life has been kinda shit, yeah? Not… not like _yours_ but… y’know, pretty shit. And.. and I always sort of felt like… like things weren’t ever going to get any better. That they _couldn’t_ get any better… You remember this conversation, I guess?”

“Yeah,” Ashton breathed, holding the phone tighter. Somehow, Luke still heard him.

“Ash, I… when I met you, it… it felt like maybe everything _could_ be okay after all… and…” Luke's choked sob sounded down the phone and Ashton’s hand slipped up to cover his mouth of its own accord as tears began to roll down his cheeks silently.

“I… I don’t always like it in my own head sometimes and… and you were there to pull me out when nobody else was…” Ashton had never wanted to hug Luke harder in his _life_ than he did in that moment.

“So… so I just wanted to say that, if you _don’t_ want to talk to me again – and I wouldn’t blame you because I behaved _despicably_ – then… then I don’t blame you… but I wanted to say thank you too…”

“Thank you for what?” Ashton whispered. Calum’s eyes looked suspiciously wet and Michael was holding Ashton’s shoulder in a death grip, grounding him which was _just_ what Ashton needed in that moment. The red-haired boy looked utterly lost, like Luke being so apologetic he was in _tears_ was something Michael hadn't factored in.

“For being someone I can be _myself_ with,” Luke replied shakily. “Not like Aleisha. Not like mum. Not like my _brothers_ or my fucking _dad_. **You** , Ashton.”

“Oh my god, Luke,” Ashton murmured, squeezing the phone so tightly that his knuckles had gone white. “I… I forgive you. Of _course_ I forgive you. How could I not?”

“Thank you. I – _shit_ , Ash! I don’t know what I would’ve done if you’d –“ Luke faltered and took what must have been a deep, steadying breath because he sounded a lot calmer when he spoke again. “Will you tell Michael and Calum I’m sorry too please? I don’t want them to hate me.”

Ashton’s heart melted a bit and he opened his mouth to tell Luke that of _course_ he would when –

“No need, Hemmings,” Michael said in a gruff voice. “We heard everything.”

The silence coming from Luke’s end of the line couldn’t be mistaken for anything _but_ betrayal and embarrassment, and Ashton flinched. However, after a few moments, Luke spoke up again.

“I suppose I don’t have any right to be annoyed about this.”

“No, you really fucking _don’t_ ,” Michael snapped but Ashton thought that even _Luke_ could tell that the red-haired boy's anger sounded forced somehow, like Michael’s heart wasn’t really in it.

“And we forgive you,” Calum added, his voice soft after so long spent in silence. “It might take Mike a little longer though since, y’know, you broke his hand with your face.”

Both Luke and Michael let out startled snorts of laughter, and Ashton felt himself relaxing a little, even as his hand dropped down to rub soothing circles on Calum’s shoulder, aware that the younger boy _needed_ it, even if Ashton _didn't_ know why yet.

“Things’ll be alright,” Ashton said, and he wasn’t sure whether he was talking to Michael or Calum or Luke, or even to  _himself_ , but he hoped – no, he _knew_ – that it would be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this is okay. I'm planning more revelations (and a fuckton of angst, obviously) and stuff soon.  
> Also, in the not-so-far distance, actual _smut_!  
>  Yeah, not gonna lie, I'm looking forward to writing that part...  
> Okay yeah, please let me know what you think :)


	57. A Hard Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"I think I am - as the saying goes, Ashton - between a rock and a hard place," Luke said and his voice shook a little, despite his carefree act. "And I don't see a way out."_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst!!

**_I'm not letting go._ **

**_I keep hanging on._ **

**_Everybody says,_ **

**_That time heals the pain._ **

**_I've been waiting forever._ **

**_That day never came._ **

_\- That Day, Tokio Hotel_

 

Luke came round the next evening with his guitar, a good twenty minutes earlier than he and Ashton had planned.

"Hey, Luke," Ashton said with so much poorly-disguised relief saturating his tone that the taller boy rolled his eyes before he pulled Ashton into a tight hug. Ashton wrapped his arms around Luke's waist, smiling secretly when he felt Luke's nose press against his warm neck as he almost lifted Ashton off his _feet_.

"What's up? You're early."

"I missed you," Luke said and he looked _different_ as he stood on the front porch. Ashton wondered why and he allowed his hazel gaze to rove over the younger boy in an attempt to work out what had changed.

Luke's blond hair was quiffed just the same as always and his black lip-ring was still in place. His ocean-blue eyes were as beautiful as ever, intense and bright, and he was dressed in a grey flannel over a slightly torn Misfits t-shirt that had _really_ seen better days.

Ashton thought he looked older maybe, which was odd when he considered that the blond boy was actually only sixteen but there was definitely _something_ there -

"What?" Luke asked self-consciously and Ashton blushed, shrugging and gesturing for the younger boy to come in.

"You might as well get out of the cold, since you're here early," he said before he frowned. "Although I thought we usually played in the garage since, y'know, that's where my drum-kit is?"

"I thought I could show you something on the guitar," Luke suggested hopefully. "I know you said Michael and Calum have helped you out a bit before so I thought maybe we could do that and... y'know... maybe sing a bit?"

Ashton felt the moment when his expression became shut off.

"I'm not singing anything," he said firmly but he still gestured for Luke to remove his Converse before he led the taller boy upstairs. He could feel Luke's eyes on him as he walked ahead and it was kind of making him feel like he was going to fall over.

"Where are your family?" Luke asked suddenly and Ashton tripped, catching his foot on the edge of the top stair. Luke steadied him before he had a chance to fall and Ashton could practically _feel_ the smirk, even without _looking_.

"They're out," Ashton said once he could breathe again. "Lauren's doing some dance recital thing that nan's watching and grandpa's taken Harry swimming."

"Ah," Luke said and that was that. Ashton wondered why he'd asked that but brushed it off, figuring that the blond boy was maybe just embarrassed that Ashton had told his family what had been going on between them. _Clearly_ Ashton wasn't stupid enough to do that but it was the only thing that made sense.

"Ash..." Luke said slowly as they both walked into the curly-haired boy's bedroom. "There was something else I didn't say yesterday... or the day before... and I think it's probably quite important."

"What's that?" Ashton asked curiously, his voice cautious. He didn't understand why Luke was blushing so much or staring fixedly down at the ground and addressing his _socks_ instead of the puzzled boy standing across from him.

"When you said that the... the _kiss_ didn't mean anything," Luke muttered and he glanced up at Ashton through his eyelashes before he looked back down at the floor again, rubbing one of his feet with the other. Before Ashton could politely ask Luke to spit out whatever it was he was trying to say, the blond boy elaborated. "I didn't argue with you."

Ashton stiffened, staring at Luke like he was something otherworldly. Where was Luke _going_ with this?!

"I let you think I agreed with you," Luke breathed out, like he was ashamed of himself. "I told Aleisha you were no one."

Ashton covered his mouth with both hands but it was too late. Luke had already heard the whimper.

The blond boy's face crumpled and he reached out shakily, gently prying the older boy's hands away from his face so that he could stroke Ashton's jaw gently with his thumb.

"I've never been more of a liar in all my life," Luke promised and Ashton blinked his tears away, hating the confusion he could feel spiralling inside him.

Nothing made _sense_ anymore.

"What do you mean?" Ashton asked softly and Luke looked even _more_ embarrassed as he took Ashton's hand gently, tugging the older boy over to the bed so that they could both sit down.

"I..." Luke looked lost for a moment and Ashton felt self-conscious as the blond boy's eyes traced his face, searching for something. Ashton didn't know what it was but Luke looked satisfied a few moments later so he must have found it.

"I've been lying all my life. I lie to mum and tell her I like the subjects I'm taking at school, and that I'm happy, and that I get along with my brothers and dad." Luke went a bit pale and Ashton gripped the blond boy's hand despite himself, worried that Luke was unhappy about something.

"I lie to dad and my brothers everyday, because I think lying by omission counts. I let them think I'm straight, Ashton. I let Aleisha kiss me, mess up my school shirts, because then maybe they'll believe that there's something _normal_ about me."

While Luke's voice had been shaky last night, it was nothing but steady now, and as cold and hard as stone. Ashton blinked in surprise because, although he'd had rather a _lot_ of suspicions, he'd never had it confirmed like that before.

"I lied about my dance club. I told them I was going to football instead and that we were playing a game in a few weeks time, and now my dad _finally_ wants to act like a father and come watch me play... And that'll be pretty fucking difficult since I'm pretty sure the football team would laugh me off the pitch if I turned up. Do you see my problem?"

Ashton bit his lip but said nothing. He wished he could _help_ but there was nothing he could do in this situation and he figured it would probably piss Luke off less if he just stayed silent.

"I think I am - as the saying goes, Ashton - between a rock and a hard place," Luke said and his voice shook a little, despite his carefree act. "And I don't see a way out."

"Can't you just come out to your family? Would they _really_ care that much?" Ashton asked softly, feeling a bit like a hypocrite because, even though he _knew_ his family wouldn't mind about him, he was still too afraid to admit it.

Luke's mask flickered at Ashton's words and the curly-haired boy felt his eyes widen fractionally when Luke's face took on a visage of forced calm again.

"That, Ashton, is most _definitely_ a story for another day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stuff happens soon... ;)


	58. Admonish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"You're being really fucking awful about this, Luke..." Ashton tried to admonish him but his words trailed away as he broke off into a low groan when Luke leant forward to suck a mark into Ashton's neck._  
>  _"I know," Luke said softly and without shame, his breath hot on Ashton's skin as his lips brushed the curly-haired boy's neck. "Let me make it up to you."_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this isn't too bad!  
> Fucking Lashton, man. Seriously.

**_Better than words,_ **

**_But more than a feeling._ **

_\- Better Than Words, One Direction_

 

Ashton had never seen Luke really _determined_ before but he was now.

His eyes were blazing and there was something that was both _imploring_ but also _really_ cocksure that had Ashton feeling some things he'd been trying his best to ignore.

"Enough about me," Luke said and his eyes were locked on Ashton (or, more accurately, Ashton's _lips_ ). "Can I kiss you again? Because we both know it meant way more than ' _nothing_ '. A whole lot more. Also, you're really fucking pretty so..."

"But, Luke -" Ashton stammered, his heart pounding, his cheeks so hot they felt like they were on _fire_ almost. "What about Ale-"

"Don't care," Luke muttered, surging forwards and pressing his lips hard to Ashton's before he pulled back a few centimetres, breathing hard. Ashton's head was spinning as he tried to keep up with the conversation. "She doesn't care about me so why should I care about cheating?"

Ashton cringed at the word ' _cheating_ ', even as he held Luke's shoulders securely with both hands in an effort to fight the dizziness.

"You're being _really_ fucking awful about this, Luke..." Ashton tried to admonish him but his words trailed away as he broke off into a low groan when Luke leant forward to suck a mark into Ashton's neck.

"I know," Luke said softly and without shame, his breath hot on Ashton's skin as his lips brushed the curly-haired boy's neck. "Let me make it up to you."

Ashton let Luke push him slowly back onto the bed and the hand that Luke used to gently cradle the older boy's head made Ashton feel all warm and safe inside. It was a scary, vulnerable feeling, and those words were _certainly_ not ones he usually used to describe himself with, but it was true all the same.

"What are you -"

"Gonna do?" Luke asked and Ashton nodded jerkily, stroking the soft golden hairs that grew on the back of Luke's neck as the blond boy smiled down at him. It was a _nice_ smile for once too, all dimples and bright eyes, without even a _hint_ of a smirk. "I'm gonna make you feel _really_ fucking good to apologise for all the shit I've put you through, okay?"

"Your logic is weird," Ashton mumbled, his breath catching when Luke reached down between them and rubbed Ashton's cock through his jeans. " _Fuck_ ," he choked out and Luke's smirk was back in place, his eyes shining.

"Oh, you love it," Luke teased but he grew distracted as he reached down to unbutton Ashton's jeans.

The older boy gasped, screwing his eyes shut as he felt Luke's fingers brushing _far_ too lightly against him. Ashton wondered if Luke's words were true but, before he could ponder it _too_ much, his brain short-circuited when Luke mouthed at him through his boxers, looking up at the curly-haired boy coyly through his eyelashes.

"Been thinking about doing this for so long," Luke admitted in a mumble against the soft material and Ashton whined, both at the words and the sensation of Luke's bottom lip catching on his clothed cock.

"We shouldn't be doing this," Ashton gasped out, even as the little voice in his head told him, in no uncertain terms, to _shut the hell up_.

"Not _again_ , no," Luke mumbled as he hooked a finger into the waistband of Ashton's boxers and pulled them down gently. The older boy closed his eyes, ashamed suddenly, but embarrassed that he still _wanted_ this so badly. "But just once shouldn't hurt," Luke amended quietly and, when Ashton felt Luke's tongue on the head of his cock, he had to bite down hard on his knuckles to stay quiet as his chest rose and fell frantically, like he'd just ran a marathon.

He knew there was no _reason_ to stay silent since the house was empty but making noise would have just made it feel more _real_ somehow, and Ashton was sort of pretending that maybe this was all happening inside his head or something.

"Are you going to freak out on me again, Ashton?" Luke checked, pumping Ashton's cock lazily in his hand as the older boy clutched at him like he couldn't swim, like he was _drowning_ in Luke's beautiful ocean-blue eyes.

"No," Ashton breathed and Luke ducked his head to take Ashton into his mouth properly. Ashton closed his eyes as pleasure coursed through him. "Not this time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is such a short update and I wasn't intending to put any smut in _quite_ yet but I thought you guys deserved something nice and this doesn't change the story plan at all so I figured it wouldn't hurt.  
>  I promise the next time I write smut will be way better though, honestly!  
> Please let me know what you think :)


	59. Lucky Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He pouted a bit and the older boy tried to ignore him because Luke could be a manipulative little shit when he wanted something and Ashton was_ not _playing._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to write my next update but I got waylaid and more smut happened. Sorry, not sorry.  
> (Back to character development and relationships and shit soon, honestly. I'll stop writing awkward sex scenes, I swear.)

**_Is this more than you bargained for yet?_ **

**_Oh don’t mind me, I’m watching you two from the closet,_ **

**_Wishing to be the friction in your jeans._ **

_– Sugar We’re Going Down, Fall Out Boy_

 

Of _course_ it wasn’t only one time.

Ashton thought maybe they were stupid for thinking that that _could_ ever work. Luke apparently didn’t have the willpower to stay away from the older boy and Ashton _certainly_ didn’t.

He thought maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if there wasn’t a permanent air of _secrecy_ enshrouding them when Luke recklessly climbed through Ashton’s bedroom window almost every night and slotted their mouths together in the darkness.

“This is wrong,” Ashton breathed just like he always did as they fell back onto his bed. The mattress squeaked and Luke’s hands were knotting into Ashton’s curls as he crushed their lips together. The kiss was biting when Luke processed what the older boy had said and Ashton's groan as he felt Luke’s teeth sinking into his bottom lip was nowhere _near_ quiet enough.

“You say this _every_ single time, Ashton,” Luke said in the sort of long-suffering voice that didn’t _entirely_ mask the guilt he seemed to be feeling. “But I’d never do something you weren’t completely happy with. Don’t you trust me?”

He pouted a bit and the older boy tried to ignore him because Luke could be a manipulative little shit when he wanted something and Ashton was _not_ playing.

“To be honest, I don’t know if I _can_ trust you, Luke –” Ashton began but he broke off with a whine when Luke rolled his hips experimentally, grinding down. Ashton gripped the blond boy's hips, preventing him from moving again, and Luke’s hopeful expression faded to a pout again.

“What do you mean?” the blond boy asked, apparently offended. Ashton fixed Luke with as harsh a stare as he possibly could which, when he took into account the fact that he was almost _achingly_ hard in his jeans as he stared up at Luke with poorly-disguised longing, wasn’t that effective at all.

“I just mean… Y’know, if you’re prepared to cheat on Aleisha with… with _me_ …” His voice trailed away for a moment and he knew his insecurity must have shown on his face because Luke brushed his cheek gently with his fingertips, the touch surprisingly tender. Ashton closed his eyes with the knowledge that he was _literally_ gone for Luke. “Well… well, what’s to stop you from cheating on _me_ with someone else?”

“I would _never_ do that to you,” Luke said blankly and, although Ashton searched his face for any sign of a lie, all he saw was sincerity. (Well, sincerity and _lust_ but he didn’t think that really counted.) “And besides,” Luke said and his hips had stopped moving now. Ashton loosened his grip on the blond boy and Luke leant forwards, pressing a gentle kiss to Ashton’s neck. “If it’s been bothering you that much, why do you always let me?”

“Because I lo–”

Ashton cut himself off, abruptly terrified, because where the _fuck_ had that come from?!

He didn’t _love_ Luke!

… _Did he_?

“What did you just say?” Luke gasped, pulling back sharply, and Ashton grimaced.

‘ _Shit_.’

“Nothing,” he said stupidly, stretching up to kiss the blond boy with a hint of desperation. Luke allowed him to and, while Ashton _prayed_ that Luke would forget he’d even _spoken_ , the gleam in the blond boy’s ocean-blue eyes suggested that maybe it _wouldn’t_ be that easy.

Ashton’s cheeks flamed red and, hoping that it was dark enough to hide his face, he rolled them over so that Luke was lying flat on his back in the middle of the double bed. Ashton hoped that the frown he could faintly see on Luke’s face was because he thought he had misheard and _not_ because he had actually comprehended what Ashton had just said.

Luke seemed to shrug slightly, like maybe he was deciding that he'd heard wrong, and the older boy relaxed minutely.

Thanking his lucky stars, Ashton surged forwards and kissed Luke hard, intent on making him forget.

Although Ashton was fairly certain the kiss lacked finesse – he’d missed Luke’s mouth at first and then there was maybe a bit too much _tongue_ – Luke didn’t seem to mind if the moan that escaped him as he enthusiastically responded was anything to go by.

There was still an underlying feeling of: ‘ _This is wrong. We shouldn’t be doing this. We need to stop but, **god** , stopping feels impossible right now… but this is so **wrong**_ ’ that Ashton fought against because the _last_ thing he needed was to go giving his heart to someone who, despite whatever they might want him to believe, probably didn’t care enough to _keep_ it... so yes, kissing him to distract him was the best idea.

Probably.

“Ash, what –” Luke began and, not waiting to hear what the blond boy was going to say – not _wanting_ to – Ashton let his hand drift down Luke’s chest and stomach before he eased it inside the younger boy's jeans, his lips still trailing kisses up and down the blond boy’s neck.

Luke’s hips bucked up when the older boy closed his hand around the damp heat of Luke’s erection and Ashton allowed himself a secret smile before he let his teeth lightly scrape the exposed skin of Luke’s throat, gently enough not to leave a mark but hard enough that it dragged a moan from Luke.

“You look really fucking good like this, Lukey,” Ashton muttered as he spread his thumb over the tip of Luke's cock. The taller boy’s breath hitched and he clung to Ashton, his nails digging in as he pressed his head back into the pillows. Ashton jerked him off faster, still whispering to him, and Luke _preened_ under the attention, even as his back arched off the bed.

Ashton tried not to find it cute – fucking _cute_ , damnit! – but he couldn’t _help_ it.

Luke’s eyes were all pretty and blue as he peered through his golden eyelashes at Ashton, and his cheeks matched the rosy red of his lips from where he’d bitten them as the blood heated his face. He was making grabby hands with the back of the older boy’s t-shirt and his thigh had slipped between Ashton’s legs to give the older boy something to rub against.

Luke’s face was pressed into Ashton’s neck and he was pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses all over the warm skin there as Ashton twisted his wrist _just_ so, making the younger boy fall apart.

A surprisingly high-pitched whine escaped Luke as he came all over Ashton’s fist and both of their stomachs, and the curly-haired boy groaned low in his throat when Luke’s teeth sank into his neck.

 _Cute_. He was fucking _**cute**_... and Ashton may or may not be in **love** with him.

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this was okay!  
> There's lots of Stuff happening soon which isn't smut - although you haven't seen the last of the smut, beware - so hopefully you'll look forward to that!  
> Lemme know what you think please :)


	60. Overpowering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton’s vision flickered and he remembered his childhood with her, all seventeen years of it in a matter of seconds – and his head reeled as he remembered the pain and the fear and, more than anything, the **loneliness**._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short and really weird, and I'm sorry for that.  
> Either way, I couldn't get this idea out of my head and I needed to write it down before I continue with the story arc, if you get me, so hopefully this is okay.  
> Enjoy.

_**Something in the night is dangerous,** _

_**And nothing’s holding back the two of us,** _

_**But, baby, this is getting serious.** _

_– Dangerous, David Guetta_

 

_It was dark and Ashton was afraid._

**_Drip_** _._

_He heard a faint laugh from somewhere deeper in the darkness and the hairs on the back of his neck rose. His breath was coming in short gasps and his knees felt wobbly._

_“Mikey?” Ashton called hopefully, **brokenly** , because Michael always knew what to do._

_“C-Calum?” he yelled and his voice cracked. There was no answer and the darkness seemed to press in closer._

**_Drip_** _. **Drip**._

_“Nan?” he cried but there was still no sound beside the gentle **drip-drip-drip** that was slowly threatening to drive him insane. “Grandpa? Harry? Lauren?”_

_He looked around wildly and his heart almost stopped in his chest when he realised that he was in his old house._

_“Luke?” he half-whispered when he saw someone standing at the end of the long hallway that led towards the stairs._

_Ashton covered his mouth in horror when the blond boy looked up because something was… **wrong**._

**_Drip_** _. **Drip**. **Drip**._

_There was blood running down his arms and collecting on the floor in a pool beneath his feet. He was wearing peeling trainers and, when Ashton dragged his hazel eyes back up to Luke’s face, he let out a frightened sob when he saw that it was his mother staring back at him instead._

**_Drip_** _. **Drip**._

_The overpowering stench of alcohol filled the air and Anne stared at her oldest son, her gaze unsettlingly stubborn._

_"Mum," he whispered. She rushed towards him._

_Ashton’s vision flickered and he remembered his childhood with her, all seventeen years of it in a matter of seconds – and his head reeled as he remembered the pain and the fear and, more than anything, the **loneliness**._

**_Drip_** _._

_“This is **your** fault,” she said but, before Ashton could be crushed beneath another wave of self-loathing, there was a burst of light and Luke was standing there once more, his wrists free of blood and his eyes burning with icy fire._

_“No, it fucking **isn’t** ,” he hissed and Ashton felt Luke’s hands on his arms, warm and burning through his shirt, and it felt like he was being lifted up, like he was rising from the bottom of a very deep swimming pool, and then Luke’s lips were brushing his and Ashton’s head had broken the surface of the water and Luke was whispering: “You’re safe now” and –_

Ashton woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know how I feel about this update yet but the story is moving on soon and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update.  
> Please let me know what you think.  
> Also, there was a LOT of foreshadowing in this.  
> So... yeah, make of that what you will. :P


	61. Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“You can’t make breakfast on your birthday!” Harry yelled suddenly, scandalised, and Ashton blinked in surprise as everything came rushing back to him._  
>  _“Oh,” he said blankly as the little ones bristled with excitement. “I’m eighteen.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ashhhhh <3

**_And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?_ **

**_For me it happens all the time._ **

_– Need You Now, Lady Antebellum_

 

Ashton’s eyes snapped open and he gasped.

There was early morning sunlight streaming in through his bedroom window and his hands were knotted in the sheets. The long-sleeved sweatshirt he wore in bed was sticking to him and his chest was heaving like he’d just run a race.

“Are you alright, Ash?” a familiar voice asked and he looked up sharply, relaxing back onto the mattress when he saw the little ones hovering in the doorway. “You look all pale. Like you’ve seen a _ghost_!”

Ashton laughed uncomfortably as he sat up, rubbing the back of his neck ruefully and catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror across the room. There were dark bags under his eyes and his hair was a complete mess. He looked like _shit_.

“Not quite,” he told Lauren before he sighed softly. “Give me ten minutes to have a shower and then I can fix you some breakfast if you like, yeah? We don’t need to wake nanny and grandpa up yet.”

“You can’t make breakfast on your _birthday_!” Harry yelled suddenly, scandalised, and Ashton blinked in surprise as everything came rushing back to him.

“Oh,” he said blankly as the little ones _bristled_ with excitement. “I’m eighteen.”

“You’re still silly though,” Harry said, ducking the pillow Ashton chucked half-heartedly at him.

“Have your shower, Ash!” Lauren added, folding her arms and managing to remind Ashton of Mrs. McKay, despite only being ten years old, as opposed to well into her sixties. “And then you can have pancakes and presents downstairs.”

Ashton smiled weakly and did as she asked, washing his hair quickly and only emerging from the bathroom once he was sure everyone was downstairs. He dressed hurriedly in his own clothes since his birthday had fallen on a Saturday this year – black jeans and a flannel which _might_ have been Calum’s once – before he walked downstairs warily.

He hadn’t celebrated his birthday with his _family_ really since he’d been three or four so – excluding sweet little things Michael and Calum had arranged over the years – Ashton wasn’t entirely sure what to _expect_.

He felt a smile break across his face of its own accord when he entered the kitchen and saw everyone sitting waiting for him at the table, and the smiles they shot back at him were _so_ welcome.

“Happy birthday, Ash,” his nan said and his grandpa smiled as he rose to envelope his oldest grandson in a hug.

“Open your cards now,” he said, pressing an assortment of them into Ashton’s hands. “You can open your presents after breakfast.”

“Okay,” Ashton agreed, smiling but also a little _awkward_ because there was too much attention on him and he wasn’t sure what to make of it all.

He sat down and, with Harry and Lauren watching him while his grandparents made themselves tea, Ashton opened the cards.

The little ones had each made him one themselves – Ashton smiled like he did _every_ year as he made a mental note to keep them with the previous ones upstairs in his room – and there was one from his grandparents with a tacky light-up badge on the front that Ashton was fairly certain he was _never_ going to wear.

Michael had given him a card with a rude message on the front – Ashton had to hide that one and, when Lauren asked why he was laughing, Ashton had choked on his apple juice – and Calum had sent him one with a dog with googly eyes on the front which Ashton thought was fitting somehow.

When he opened Luke’s card, his cheeks heated a little at the: “ ** _I’ll give you your present later ;)_** ”, and Ashton was _still_ blushing when he opened the last card – from Mrs. McKay, bless her – a minute later.

Ashton’s smile faded a little when he realised that he hadn’t got one from his mum and, although he wasn’t _surprised_ , it still stung.

When he looked up and saw his grandparents’ faces, he could tell that they felt the same way.

“Happy birthday, Ash,” his grandpa said, with feeling. Ashton felt his lips twitch into a weak smile.

“Thank you,” he said as he piled his cards up carefully, like they were made of glass. “This is my best one yet.”

It wasn't until Ashton was halfway through his pancakes that he realised the knot in his chest was gone. 

Ashton felt warm and lighter than he had done... well, _ever_ really. He remembered his dream and his cutlery hit the plate with a clatter as he remembered one _very_ important thing:

' _ **You're safe now.**_ '

And maybe he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got sad writing this. Damn angsty fic.


	62. Say Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton wondered what his face looked like because Luke was staring at him with something like fear. Ashton just shrugged, his eyes dry now but_ hard _too, and colder than they usually were._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a happy chapter.  
> Oops.
> 
> Also i really like the chapter title for this update and I don't know why. Oh well.

**_Do or die, you’ll never make me,_ **

**_Because the world will never take my heart._ **

**_Go on and try, you’ll never break me._  ** 

_– Welcome To The Black Parade, My Chemical Romance_

 

Ashton was taking Calum, Michael and Luke out for pizza that evening at a little Italian place in downtown Sydney near the garage where he worked. He’d been saving up for ages so that he could do something nice for his friends but he’d been worried he wouldn’t have enough cash. Fortunately, his nan had given him a twenty dollar bill on the way out of the door and had silenced his protestations with a quick hug before she’d told him to have a good time and had disappeared back into the living room.

Ashton smiled fondly the whole way across town on his way to pick up Calum and Michael, and even Luke teasing him about the embarrassing flashing badge he’d been persuaded to wear by his grandparents wasn’t irritating him like it usually would.

“You look so happy this evening, Ash,” Luke said as he sat in the passenger seat, fiddling with his fingers as he rested his head against the cool window, a little smile on his face. “It’s really great to see.”

Ashton’s heart did a little flutter but he forced himself to think of Calum, of how sad he’d been last week that night in the garage, and his smile faded. Luke grumbled a little as he straightened up in his seat and reached out, taking the hand that Ashton wasn’t using to hold the steering wheel.

“You always do that,” he said reprovingly but he gave the older boy’s hand a little squeeze and Ashton slowly let his long fingers curl around Luke’s. “You always get happy but then it’s like you’re _making_ yourself sad again. Like you think you’re not _allowed_ to be happy.”

Ashton ducked his head as much as he safely could while he was driving but he didn’t say anything. Luke’s brows drew together with concern and sadness.

“Why do you do it, Ash?” he asked softly and the older shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable.

“I… I don’t know,” he confessed and Luke didn’t look convinced. Ashton sighed, trying not to take in how Luke’s Misfits singlet and denim jacket made the younger boy's piercing eyes look even _bluer_ or the way his blond hair was flat on his forehead tonight, making him look younger and a lot _cuter_ , because then Ashton would just say _everything_ and that could never end well.

“There’s a quote that reminds me of you actually,” Luke said suddenly and Ashton frowned, keeping his gaze focused on the road as the blond boy dug his mobile phone out of his pocket and typed something in.

“What’re you looking up?” Ashton asked curiously as he drove through town, stopping at the traffic lights. They would be on Michael and Calum’s road soon – and it would have been a lot sooner but Ashton had taken a longer way since his dream had bothered him more than he cared to admit, and he didn’t want to drive past his old house, but Luke kindly hadn’t mentioned it.

“I’m looking up the quote,” Luke said with a faint touch of exasperation that was proved to be _entirely_ false when Ashton glanced up at him and saw the faint, sad half-smile gracing the taller boy’s lips. “It’s a Pete Wentz one.”

“Right, okay,” Ashton said slowly as the lights changed to green and he moved off. “How does it relate to me then?”

“Patience, grasshopper,” Luke said and Ashton punched him lightly on the shoulder as they drove along. Luke giggled but he sobered quickly.

“Listen to this, Ash,” he said and his voice took on a slightly more serious tone as he read something off his phone. “’ _The hardest thing about depression is that it is addictive. It begins to feel uncomfortable **not** to be depressed. You feel guilty for being happy_’.”

Ashton fell silent but his heart felt ten times too big as it rose into his throat. He didn’t like having what he felt stated so blandly like that but it was _true_. Luke was right.

“I didn’t mean to make you sad, Ash,” Luke breathed as the older boy wiped his eyes fiercely with his sleeve, determined not to cause an accident just because he couldn’t get his _damn_ emotions under control. “I just… I don’t want you to feel guilty. You don’t _deserve_ to feel guilty.”

Ashton was silent for the longest time but his mind was flashing with images – failing his mum, letting the little ones and him get taken away, making his father leave, probably making _Warwick_ leave, failing Calum, hurting Michael, making things difficult for his grandparents, kissing _Luke_ when Aleisha was his girlfriend.

Ashton wondered what his face looked like because Luke was staring at him with something like fear. Ashton just shrugged, his eyes dry now but _hard_ too, and colder than they usually were.

“But I have a lot to be guilty _for_ , Luke,” he said and the silence in the car was _painful_ to listen to. The blond boy looked thoughtful and ashamed – a curious mixture – as he sat there silently, and Ashton sighed. “We _both_ do.”

Luke didn’t say anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the angst yo.  
> Lemme know what you think please <3


	63. Spidery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“It’s Ash’s birthday and you’re upsetting him,” Luke said coldly and Michael looked a bit ashamed. Ashton wanted the ground to swallow him up. “Now can we please have this conversation later? It isn’t fair.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this one because I'm mean.  
> Also Luke and Ashton really need to get themselves sorted out because it's paining me.

**_And up until now I have sworn to myself,_ **

**_That I’m content with loneliness,_ **

**_Because none of it was ever worth the risk._ **

**_Well you are the only exception._ **

_– The Only Exception, Paramore_

 

After Calum and Michael had got in the car, things got more awkward.

Ashton was still feeling unsettled so he was driving along in silence, Calum was just as quiet as usual – although he had at least leant forwards and hugged Ashton around the back of the seat – and Michael and Luke seemed to be having a staring content in the mirror on Luke’s sun visor.

To be perfectly honest, Ashton could do without the tension.

“So, Clifford, how’s your hand?” Luke asked and, although it was _mostly_ sincere, Ashton still detected a slight hint of mocking in the youngest boy’s tone and, frowning, he reached over to pinch Luke. The blond boy yelped and swatted his hands away, and Michael and Calum exchanged an awkward look in the backseat.

“You two fucked,” Michael blurted and Ashton choked on his spit, gripping the steering wheel tightly as Luke made a noise like a dying walrus and covered his face with his hands. Michael looked triumphant but slightly confused, and Calum just looked _ill_.

“We fucking _didn’t_!” Ashton exclaimed, ten seconds too late and with his cheeks positively _burning_. He caught Luke’s gaze out of the corner of his eye and flushed further as his thoughts became a constant stream of: ‘ _Shit shit shit shit shit_ ’ because, really, this could _not_ have been more awkward.

“ _Jeez_ ,” Ashton mumbled, probably stupidly, when he caught Michael giving him what was _clearly_ a judgmental look in the mirror. “Way to make things awkward.”

“I thought you were both all upset because of that whole fucking _stupid_ ‘accidental kissing’ thing. What the fuck _happened_?!” Michael demanded, looking more _perplexed_ than angry, which Ashton was very grateful for.

Ashton tried to ignore that question because, _really_ , he had _no_ idea how to even _begin_ to answer.

“We’re just _friends_ ,” he tried, uselessly, and Luke gave him a hard look that _clearly_ said: ‘ _The jig is up_ ’. Ashton thought that was unfair of him.

“Define _friends_ ,” Michael said but it was _Calum_ who held Ashton’s gaze in the mirror when they parked in the restaurant’s car park. The dark-haired boy looked sad and hopeless, and Ashton found himself wilting in his seat, his head hanging.

“Because _friends_ don’t do whatever the fuck _you_ two have been doing,” Michael continued, his emerald eyes hard, and Luke slumped down in his seat a little bit too. Michael looked satisfied and Calum sighed quietly. His thin, spidery hands twisted in his lap and Ashton found himself watching the movement, distracted.

“ _Especially_ when one of those _friends_ is already in a relationship with a _witch_ ,” Michael said and Luke let out a snort before he could stop himself. Michael pretended to be apologetic. “Oh, I’m sorry – I meant _bitch_. No, shit – let’s try _a complete and utter cow_.” Michael smiled but it wasn’t a _nice_ smile. “Yeah,” he said harshly, his arms crossed tightly. “That’s better.”

Ashton folded his arms on the steering wheel and buried his head in them, and Luke squeezed Ashton’s shoulder gently, seemingly before he could stop himself.

“I fucking _knew_ it,” Michael muttered and Ashton glanced up just in time to see Luke glaring at Michael reproachfully.

“It’s Ash’s birthday and you’re upsetting him,” Luke said coldly and Michael looked a bit ashamed. Ashton wanted the ground to swallow him up. “Now can we _please_ have this conversation later? It isn’t fair.”

“You’re right,” Michael managed, his voice rough like the words tasted bitter in his mouth. “But we _will_ be talking about this later.”

“Mikey, just _leave_ them,” Calum murmured beseechingly and everyone fell silent as Calum spoke for the first time.

Finally, Luke nodded, satisfied.

“C’mon,” he said and Michael shrugged, getting out of the car. Calum followed a little unwillingly and, just as Ashton was about to unfasten his seatbelt and climb out, Luke leant over and placed a swift kiss to the corner of Ashton’s mouth.

“Let’s have some fun, Ash,” the younger boy said in a soft, sweet voice, and he gave Ashton’s thigh a gentle squeeze before he climbed out of the car too.

Ashton felt a lump rise in his throat as he sat there for a few moments more and, finally, he climbed out too, feeling like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Luke took his hand as they followed Michael and Calum into the restaurant, but it was okay.

Nobody else had to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought <3


	64. Melting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Michael made a rude comment and Luke tipped his head back to laugh, and Ashton took in his crinkling eyes and the way the blue seemed to shine ten times brighter when he caught sight of the older boy watching him, and Ashton had to lean back in his seat because Luke took his breath away sometimes._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out SO much fluffier than I intended. I guess that's a good thing for you guys though, right? :P

**_She’s falling, doesn’t even know it yet._ **

**_Having no regrets is all that she really wants._ **

_– Night Changes, One Direction_

 

Despite the relatively awkward start to the evening, Ashton was actually having a great time.

They’d got two giant pepperoni pizzas and garlic dough balls to share, and the restaurant was even playing Guns N’ Roses which Ashton _loved_. Luke was sitting in the booth beside him with his hand resting casually on Ashton’s thigh, and even Michael and Calum seemed to be making an effort to get along.

“I can’t even _remember_ having this much fun on my birthday since I was a little _kid_ or something,” Ashton sighed happily but, the moment the words slipped out of his mouth, everyone looked a bit sad, which was something Ashton hadn’t intended.

“Sorry,” the curly-haired boy mumbled awkwardly, ducking his head.

“It’s okay, Ashy, honestly,” Luke said quickly and Calum reached over to pat Ashton’s hand before he sat back swiftly, fiddling with the sleeves of his jumper and pulling them down over his fists. Michael looked sullen as he glowered at Luke.

“ _I_ was going to say that,” he mumbled but Ashton ignored it because Michael had been picking arguments like that since they were in year one and it just seemed kind of pointless nowadays.

“This pizza was really good,” Luke said with forced cheeriness as they finished eating, watching Michael cautiously out of the corner of his eye. Ashton sighed and, across from him, Calum cleared his throat a little, shifting uncomfortably.

Ashton glanced up and Calum gave him a weak smile before he gestured towards the bathrooms, looking apologetic. Ashton patted Calum’s arm as he passed him and he wondered if it was his imagination when the younger boy leant into the touch for a moment before he crossed the restaurant with renewed vigour.

“I’ll be right back,” Michael said abruptly, rising too but, instead of following Calum, he headed up to the counter to talk to someone. Ashton had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with the cake he had seen the red-haired boy smuggling in (and, sure, Ashton was a _little_ embarrassed at the prospect but, mostly, he was secretly pleased).

“You having a good time, Ash?” Luke asked as the pair sat there. Ashton nodded and leant back against Luke, suppressing a little smile when his head fit perfectly into the gentle curve where Luke’s neck met his shoulder.

“I am,” the older boy confirmed, squeezing Luke’s hand that was still resting on his thigh. “Thank you.”

“You’re the one treating us! We should be saying thank you to _you_!” Luke said, poking Ashton in the cheek. The curly-haired boy giggled, hiding his face again, and Luke rubbed his thumb on the older boy’s leg comfortingly.

“Y’know what I said before? About how you should do something _good_ for your eighteenth?” the blond boy said suddenly and Ashton frowned faintly, nodding. Luke smiled and his lip-ring stood out starkly against his pale pink lips. Ashton wanted to kiss him. “I was wrong actually. I sort of thought this would be _boring_ but… it’s actually _not_? I think I like your friends a lot better than mine.”

Ashton laughed but his eyebrows rose because, coming from Luke, that actually meant a lot.

“You must _really_ dislike your friends then,” he muttered before clapping his hands over his mouth and giggling as Luke tickled him. “Stop it! Luke, _stop_!” he squeaked and, fortunately, Michael turned up and poked Luke in the side so that the younger boy recoiled, covering his ticklish spots protectively with his hands.

“Idiots,” Michael said but Ashton _knew_ he wasn’t imagining the faint note of fondness in the red-haired boy’s voice. Luke looked up at Michael and they both smiled at each other before they remembered and tried to glower again. Ashton rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything because his heart felt like it was melting in his chest.

Michael made a rude comment and Luke tipped his head back to laugh, and Ashton took in his crinkling eyes and the way the blue seemed to shine _ten_ times brighter when he caught sight of the older boy watching him, and Ashton had to lean back in his seat because Luke took his _breath_ away sometimes.

Ashton was afraid he was falling in _love_ with Luke.

But even _he_ wouldn’t be _that_ stupid… would he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calum...


	65. Dead On His Feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“I guess now it’s my turn to look after you, huh?” Ashton murmured, keeping his arms locked firmly around Calum’s waist as he rested his cheek against the younger boy’s dark fluffy hair. Calum sniffed and held onto Ashton’s shirt tightly. “Even if you won’t tell me what’s wrong with you yet.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are happening...

**_Don’t say a word,_ **

**_I know you feel the same._ **

**_Just give me the sign._ **

**_Say anything, say anything._ **

_– Say Anything, Good Charlotte_

 

Calum looked _odd_ when he stumbled out of the bathroom a good ten minutes after entering. He was a few shades paler than normal and he looked kind of _ill_ – worse than he’d done in the car on the way over – and his eyes were red.

“Cal?” Ashton said softly, wriggling out of the booth and darting over. Luke and Michael were locked in _some_ sort of debate about guitars so they didn’t notice anything, and Ashton thought maybe that was a good thing.

“Cal?” he repeated, catching the younger boy’s shoulder. The football captain looked up jerkily, his eyes wide but sort of glassy, like he was tired or distracted or something. “Calum, what’s wrong?” When the younger boy opened his mouth, Ashton’s expression hardened a little. “Please don’t tell me that you’re fine because you’re _clearly_ not.”

“I –” Calum looked panic-stricken and Ashton bit his lip before he glanced back over his shoulder, waving to get Luke’s attention.

“We’re just getting some air,” he mouthed and Luke nodded, repeating what Ashton had said to Michael. The older boy led Calum outside and everything fell silent as the restaurant door swung shut.

“Calum, what’s _happened_ to you?” Ashton asked in a whisper and the younger boy stared at him with wide eyes. It was strange but, despite being a whole half-a-head taller than Ashton, the football captain looked _small_ beneath his intent gaze.

“Everything,” Calum replied and he seemed to _slump_ in the few seconds before Ashton’s arms closed around him.

“I guess now it’s _my_ turn to look after you then, huh?” Ashton murmured, keeping his arms locked firmly around Calum’s waist as he rested his cheek against the younger boy’s dark fluffy hair. Calum sniffed and held onto Ashton’s shirt tightly. “Even if you _won’t_ tell me what’s wrong with you yet.”

Calum stiffened and Ashton just shrugged, pressing a kiss to the top of Calum’s head. “Don’t worry, Cal,” he whispered, giving the younger boy’s hip a comforting squeeze through the thick jumper he was wearing, presumably to ward off the chill. “I’m not going anywhere. You just need to tell me, okay? Because then I can help you.”

“Not now,” Calum mumbled, keeping his face tucked into Ashton’s neck. He swayed like he was tired – dead on his feet almost – and Ashton looped his arm around Calum’s narrow waist gently.

“Let’s go and pay for the food, yeah? And then I’ll drive you home,” he promised and Calum gave the weakest smile that Ashton had ever _seen_.

“We can’t go home _yet_ ,” Calum disagreed but he refused to say anymore on the subject. Frowning, Ashton led Calum back to the booth where Michael awkwardly asked the younger boy if he was alright.

“I’m fine,” Calum said immediately and it sounded rehearsed, practised, like it was something he had to say a thousand times a day, even though it wasn’t always true. Ashton bit his lip as he looked at the football captain, hard enough that he almost drew _blood_.

There was something _really_ wrong going on and –

“Hey, Ash,” Luke said, dropping down into the seat beside the curly-haired boy and pressing a fleeting kiss to his cheek while Michael and Calum were distracted. Ashton’s cheeks flamed and he looked up just in time to see the red-haired boy nodding at someone.

The lights dimmed and a waiter began to carry a cake over. Ashton couldn’t tell what type it was from here but he could see the candles flickering and he had to swallow past the lump in his throat when he saw his best friends’ hopeful expressions as they – along with the other diners – began to sing.

“ _Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!_ ”

The cake was set down in front of Ashton and Luke squeezed his hand comfortingly. Ashton felt a smile spreading across his face as he took in Michael’s bright shining eyes, reflecting the dancing flames as they curled around the wicks.

“ _Happy birthday, dear Ashton!_ ”

Ashton’s gaze drifted to Calum as the last line was sung and the way the flames were flickering cast shadows on the younger boy’s face, almost hiding his expression somehow, like a _mask_. Ashton felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise.

“ _Happy birthday to you!_ ”

There was a round of applause and Luke leant close, near enough that his lips brushed the shell of Ashton’s ear and made him shiver.

“Make a wish,” the blond boy breathed.

Ashton closed his eyes and did as Luke asked when he leant forwards to blow the candles out, keeping his fingers crossed under the table.

The lights came back on and the diners gradually returned to their meals, and Ashton exhaled and leant back in the booth, relief that he was now no longer the centre of attention coursing through him.

Luke’s cheeks were flushed with excitement and Michael was smiling more openly than he had done in ages, and the look Calum shot Ashton was fond, if a touch wary.

“Thank you, guys,” Ashton said as a waiter took the cake away to box up for them. “This has been really fun.”

“It has,” Luke agreed with a wide smile before he sneakily slipped out of the booth and went up to the counter to pay while Michael kept the older boy distracted.

“Shall we take the cake out to the car?” Michael asked as the waiter brought it back. Calum got to his feet stiffly and Ashton nodded, suddenly distracted as Calum stretched because the sleeve of his jumper had just slipped back and Calum had wrenched it back down so hard that the older boy was fairly certain he’d heard something _rip_.

“Okay,” Ashton mumbled, picking the box up and following after Calum as Michael slung his arm around the curly-haired boy’s waist. “Hey!” Ashton said suddenly, trying to look back towards the counter, but Michael just steered him out of the door. “What about paying?” Ashton protested.

“It’s all taken care of,” Michael said calmly and Ashton fell quiet. He pouted when Luke appeared beside him with a smug expression on his face but, in truth, he was actually really touched.

“Thank you,” Ashton said a little grumpily because they might have snuck behind his back but they _were_ doing it to be sweet and he did do his best to be polite most of the time.

“Pleasure,” Luke replied, a slight smile curling his lips as he trotted along beside Ashton and Michael. “I – _whoa_! Calum, are you alright?!”

Ashton looked up as Michael stiffened, just in time to see Calum swaying dizzily before Luke’s arm slid around him, holding him up.

“Cal?” Michael asked weakly, his voice so abruptly frightened and loving and  _broken_ that it made Ashton’s head hurt. Calum looked wrecked.

“I’m fine,” he forced out through gritted teeth, his chocolate brown eyes dull. “It’s just too cold out here after the heat in there. It made me dizzy. It’s fine. I’m okay now.”

The football captain sounded so sure of himself that Luke relaxed, although he didn’t let his arm fall from around Calum’s waist. Michael watched with poorly-disguised longing and Ashton sighed, fishing his car keys out of the pocket of his skinny jeans one-handed while he balanced the cake box with the other.

“Mikey, will you take the cake please?” he asked and the red-haired boy did as he was asked. “C’mon now,” Ashton said, still watching Calum cautiously out of the corner of his hazel eyes. “Let me take you guys home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut next. Just a heads up.


	66. Exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“You’re so fucking beautiful, Ashton,” Luke breathed, but it sounded like he meant something else. The movement of his hands sped up and Ashton whined as he flung his head back into the pillows. “Jesus,” Luke muttered and his eyes darkened with lust as he brought the older boy closer to the edge. “You look so good, Ash. So good for me, aren’t you?”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut happened.... <3

**_Backseat serenade,_ **

**_Little hand grenade,_ **

**_Oh god, I’m sick of sleeping alone._ **

**_You’re salty like a summer day._ **

**_Kiss the pain away,_ **

**_To your radio._ **

_– Backseat Serenade, All Time Low_

 

What had started off as an innocent kiss goodnight in the car had quickly turned into something else and, like gas meeting an open flame, Ashton could feel the heat unfurling rapidly inside him as his blunt nails scratched at Luke’s back.

Ashton was lying flat on his back on Luke’s bed now, panting as Luke licked hotly into his mouth while his pale hands traced Ashton’s chest, stroking and pinching until the older boy was a gasping mess beneath him.

“ _Luke,_ ” Ashton choked out when the blond boy pulled away to suck at his neck instead. “ _Please_.”

“What do you want, Ash?” Luke whispered against his skin, leaning back to smirk when Ashton whimpered and clutched at him.

“ _Anything_ ,” Ashton breathed, too far gone to be embarrassed now. Luke seemed to consider that and his smile softened slightly as he settled down over Ashton once more so that he could resume kissing his neck and exposed collarbone.

“Can we try something new?” Luke asked and Ashton was nodding before he’d even stopped to think about it. Clearly his body had already decided for him and, when Luke carefully undid the button on Ashton’s jeans and slid them down his hips along with his boxers, the older boy was _glad_ he had.

“Okay,” Luke breathed as he opened the top drawer of his bedside table and fumbled around for some lube. “Good.”

Ashton’s eyes widened a little when he saw what Luke was holding and he bit his lip anxiously. “We’re not going to –?”

“ _No_!” Luke said quickly when he saw Ashton’s face, dropping a soft kiss onto his lips as he cupped the smaller boy’s cheek earnestly. “No, of course not! I just want to make you feel really good, Ash – for your birthday, like I said in your card, yeah? Is that okay?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Ashton breathed, and then his jeans and boxers were being taken off completely. Ashton shuddered when Luke’s lube-wet hand wrapped around his cock and his breath came in sharp gasps as Luke fisted him until he was so hard it made his _head_ swim.

“Now for that new thing, okay?” Luke murmured but the only sound he got was a broken groan from Ashton that seemed to echo around the otherwise-empty house.

Luke’s hand trailed lower, stroking Ashton’s thighs and rolling his balls gently in his palm before it drifted even _further_ down and –

Ashton’s eyes snapped open in shock, only to find Luke smiling sheepishly down at him.

“It’ll feel good, I promise,” the blond boy said, looking a bit embarrassed but mostly just tender which definitely _didn’t_ make Ashton’s heart clench painfully in his chest. “And if you don’t like it, we can always stop, okay?”

“Okay,” Ashton whispered and Luke added more lube to his hand, taking care to coat two fingers with it, and Ashton couldn’t hold in his moan because the way his legs were spread was obscene but he couldn’t quite bring himself to care because it was **Luke** , and he was fairly certain he’d let the blond boy do _anything_ to him if he asked nicely enough.

Ashton set that thought aside to worry about another day when he felt the first brush of Luke’s fingertips and he clenched down without meaning to, his heart racing in his chest.

Luke gave him a soft look as he leant closer. “Just try to relax, Ash,” he breathed, pressing a soft kiss to Ashton’s lips again and another gently on the underside of his jaw. “Okay?”

Ashton nodded and Luke smiled encouragingly, pulling one of his pillows over and folding it in half before he put it under the older boy’s hips.

Luke’s free hand closed around Ashton’s cock and, as pleasure swept through the older boy, Ashton felt Luke’s fingers again.

This time, he didn’t shy away.

Ashton worried that it wasn’t going to go in at first but then Luke was pressing against the tight ring of muscles just a little bit harder and it slipped through. Ashton’s lips parted in a gasp as heat washed over him and Luke gave a tiny, smug little smile as the curly-haired boy panted, fisting the duvet as his face flushed red.

“Keep going,” Ashton breathed and Luke’s finger sank in, deeper and deeper, until Ashton felt the brush of Luke's knuckles against his overheated skin. “ _Fuck_ ,” Ashton whined, grabbing at Luke’s shoulders as the blond boy started to fuck his finger into Ashton slowly.

“Good?” Luke asked innocently, tilting his head to the side as he picked up the pace of his hand on Ashton’s cock. The older boy only moaned in response but the answer must have been pretty obvious because Luke smiled proudly as he thrust his finger faster, seemingly searching for something if the inquisitive look on his face was anything to go by.

The older boy discovered what it was a few moments later when Luke found his prostate and Ashton almost swallowed his _tongue_. His limbs felt like they were suddenly made of lead and all of the pleasure that had been washing over him before was _nothing_ compared to the tidal wave that was crashing down on him now.

“ _Fuck,_ _Luke_!” Ashton whimpered, aware that he was writhing around as he rolled his hips back onto Luke’s finger frantically but unable to _help_ himself. “ _More_ …”

When Luke introduced a second finger, Ashton barely felt the burn.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, Ashton,” Luke breathed, but it sounded like he meant something else. The movement of his hands sped up and Ashton whined as he flung his head back into the pillows. “ _Jesus_ ,” Luke muttered and his eyes darkened with lust as he brought the older boy closer to the edge. “You look so good, Ash. So good for me, aren’t you?”

“ _Yes, yes, yes,_ ” Ashton gasped but his tone was laced with desperation now and he could feel the fire coiling low in his stomach as his chest heaved. He felt _too_ good and it was far too much, especially when no one had _ever_ touched him like this before, but Luke’s fingers were stroking deep inside of him now and hitting his prostate dead-on _every single time_ , and Ashton was falling apart.

“Luke,” he gasped, clinging to the blond boy more tightly as he raced towards the end. Luke kept up the same pace and it was _perfect_. _Luke_ was perfect. Ashton _loved_ Luke.

“ _Luke_! Luke… I… _Oh_!” Ashton didn’t really know what he was saying anymore but the blond boy didn’t seem to mind. He just smiled softly and kept the movement of his hands consistent as he leant forwards carefully to kiss Ashton again.

“Cum for me, Ash,” Luke whispered against the older boy's lips, and Ashton _always_ did as Luke asked.

This time was no different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! <3


	67. The Moment Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“We don’t give you hugs enough anymore,” Ashton mumbled and he wrapped his arm more securely around Calum when he felt the younger boy’s shoulders shaking. “I’m sorry.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update took me almost _three_ hours to write and I don't know why.  
>  Also, the song these lyrics are from is probably one of my favourite songs in the entire world.  
> Enjoy hopefully - and I hope this answers some of your questions <3

**_One day you’ll come into my world and say it all._ **

**_You say we’ll be together even when you’re lost._ **

**_One day you’ll say these words I’ve thought but never said._ **

**_You say we’re better off together in our bed._ **

_– Something Great, One Direction_

 

The next week passed fairly quickly for Ashton and, on the Saturday after his eighteenth birthday, he suggested that they all come round his for lunch before they tried playing some music together again. Michael and Calum had agreed and, despite Luke seeming a little reserved at first, he’d accepted too, although he’d said that he would be late for lunch as he had some sort of dance rehearsal that morning.

Luke had looked embarrassed as he admitted that to Ashton and it had got the older boy thinking about what Luke had said before, about how he’d lied to his family about starting dancing. Ashton bit his lip as he mulled that over because there was clearly _something_ going on there, especially when the older boy considered what Luke had told him about lying to his mum about getting on with his brothers and dad.

Ashton hoped Luke was okay. Hell, he hoped _all_ of them were okay because all three of his best friends seemed to be struggling at the moment and it fucking _sucked_. Ashton just wanted the people he cared about to be _happy_.

He wished that didn’t seem so impossible right now.

His expression was morose as he heard the doorbell ring and went to answer it. His grandparents had taken Harry to football practise and Lauren was spending the day with her best friend Poppy from school, so it was just Ashton again.

He rubbed his chest uneasily as he unlocked the door, his brows drawing together in a frown. He hadn’t felt the knot in his chest since his birthday but it was back with a vengeance now and it felt immensely unpleasant, like he couldn’t _quite_ get a deep enough breath in.

“Hey,” Ashton said when he got the door open and found Michael waiting on the porch. The younger boy's red hair looked brighter than usual, like he’d maybe re-dyed it or something, but his green eyes were clouded with worry and weariness as he pulled Ashton into a one-armed hug.

“G’day, mate,” Michael said in an over-exaggerated Australian accent and Ashton rolled his eyes, elbowing Michael lightly in the ribs before he shut the door behind them and led the younger boy through to the kitchen.

Michael set his guitar case down carefully leaning against the wall as Ashton went to get a can of Pepsi out of the fridge for his best friend. He didn’t even have to ask what drink Michael wanted anymore and the red-haired boy smirked slightly as he hopped up onto a stool at the breakfast bar.

Ashton joined him and they sat in an easy silence for a good few minutes, the only sounds their quiet breathing and the monotonous ticking of the clock on the wall. Michael’s eyes widened slightly as he seemed to take in the fact that Ashton was wearing a _short_ -sleeved t-shirt for once but he didn’t comment, simply patting the back of the older boy’s hand and looking proud before his expression faded to sadness.

“Do you think Calum’s okay?” Michael asked suddenly, his voice soft as he kept his gaze fixed on the can of Pepsi as he cracked it open. The low fizz the drink made hid Ashton’s soft sigh as he contemplated his answer. “Because I don’t,” Michael continued and Ashton bit his lip hard, looking up at Michael.

“I’m not saying I disagree with you because I don’t,” Ashton said slowly, carefully. He was very aware that Calum would be _so_ upset if he realised Ashton had talked about him behind his back. “But what makes you say that?”

Michael looked faintly alarmed at that and Ashton wondered what he could have _possibly_ said that would have worried the red-haired boy.

“I don’t know,” Michael said at last, glancing at the clock anxiously as he played with the hem of his jumper. They both knew that the younger boy could turn up at any moment now and it was probably a _really_ bad idea to have this conversation now but Ashton recognised the slightly frantic look in Michael’s green eyes and realised that this conversation would be had, whether he liked it or not.

“I’m just scared,” Michael confessed in an embarrassed mumble. “He doesn’t look like _him_ anymore. He does that thing with his sleeves that you used to do – that you _still_ do.” Ashton looked down at his hands twisting together nervously in his lap and he didn’t say anything. “And…”

Ashton looked up sharply, surprised. There was _more_? What _else_ had he missed?!

“He’s really tiny now,” Michael murmured, his eyes clouded with worry as he bit at his thumb, his face pale. “He’s lost loads of weight and he looks all thin, and I’m scared.”

“I…” Ashton didn’t know what to say. Now that Michael had pointed that out, it seemed _obvious_ but… “Cal eats with us all the time though,” he said slowly. “And we can’t just assume that –”

“No, I _know_!” Michael said with a touch of frustration but he mostly just looked lost and helpless. It was how Ashton _felt_.

“Have you fallen out of love with him yet?” Ashton breathed and he didn’t know _why_ he’d said it, only that he had, and that he was a fucking _idiot_ for it.

Michael squared his jaw angrily and Ashton figured the only reason he hadn’t been punched was because Michael was scared he’d freak out or something.

“Shut up,” the red-haired boy snapped, his voice as defensive as it _always_ was when someone said something to him that hit a little too close to home.

“Sorry,” Ashton mumbled. “I just –”

The older boy’s phone vibrated in his pocket and Michael breathed a sigh of relief as he looked away, the moment broken.

**[From LUKE] Received at 13:04**

**String on my guitar just snapped so I’m trying to choose which (out of my other two) I should bring over. Help me?? Luke xx**

Ashton groaned as he read that but, when he relayed the message back to Michael, the younger boy looked up with interest.

“What guitars does he have?” Michael asked and Ashton shrugged as he tapped out a message which roughly equated to: ‘ ** _i know fuck all about guitars. sorry. mikey is on his way over tho. play nice :p xx_** ’. Michael rolled his eyes when he saw what Ashton had sent but he still headed towards the front door, surprisingly good-naturedly.

Maybe he was just glad to escape the tension for a bit. Ashton couldn’t say he blamed him.

“Don’t kill each other!” Ashton called out and Michael flipped him the bird as he walked off down the front drive, leaving the front door open behind him because he was a _dick_.

Ashton retracted his previous statement with mild reluctance when he realised that Michael had just left the door open for Calum.

“Hi, Cal,” Ashton said as the younger boy shut the front door hesitantly behind him before he shrugged carefully out of his coat. The weather was kind of warming up now which was good because it meant that it would hopefully not be too chilly for Luke’s firework party which was happening fairly soon.

“Hey, Ash,” Calum said, accepting the hug Ashton gave him with an enthusiasm that sort of hurt to see. His arms wrapped around the older boy’s waist and he tucked his head into Ashton’s neck.

The curly-haired boy decided to forgo being a good host in favour of being a good best friend and, instead of offering Calum a drink, he led the younger boy into the living room.

The patchwork quilt from before was still spread out over the sofa with the most cushions piled on it – the little ones' favourite place to watch their cartoons – and this was Ashton’s destination now.

He slumped down onto it and pulled Calum down with him, so that the younger boy was curled up against his side like a sad little puppy. Ashton carded his fingers through the football captain’s dark hair and Calum made a small broken noise before he tucked his face out of sight, his fingers knotting into the soft material of Ashton’s Red Hot Chilli Peppers t-shirt.

“We don’t give you hugs enough anymore,” Ashton mumbled and he wrapped his arm more securely around Calum when he felt the younger boy’s shoulders shaking. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry _for_ ,” Calum gasped out, his breathing ragged. It took Ashton a moment to realise that the younger boy was crying and Ashton had to fight to swallow past the lump in his throat when Calum clung to him like he’d done when they were a lot younger at sleepovers, back when Calum was still scared of the dark.

“Neither do you,” Ashton whispered with absolute certainty. Calum only whimpered and burrowed closer until, somehow, he was sprawled half over Ashton’s chest with his thin arms wrapped around the older boy’s waist.

Ashton stroked Calum’s back soothingly through the thick sweatshirt the younger boy was wearing as he looked down at Calum’s face. His cheeks were flushed with embarrassment and his eyes were red as tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I love you, Cal,” Ashton promised thickly but that only seemed to make the younger boy _more_ upset. “Shit, Cal, I – Crying’s okay. Crying’s _good_ but you’re going to make yourself _sick_ if you keep – “ Calum stiffened at the words and Ashton felt the colour drain from his face as he forced himself to continue rocking the younger boy slowly, his eyes wide and shocked.

It would make _sense_ but – _No_. He _had_ to be mistaken. _Surely_ they would have _noticed_ something like that. But what if –

The front door opened as Michael and Luke let themselves in, and Ashton called out a broken: “ _In here!_ ” that made the two boys in the hallway fall silent.

“What’s going on –?” Michael began before his face crumpled as he took in the scene in front of him. Ashton knew he must look _utterly_ lost as he sat slumped on the sofa with a sobbing Calum curled up around him, and Luke let out a low hiss of breath when he saw the pair in the living room.

“ _Calum_ ,” Michael murmured and the broken look on his face reminded Ashton _very_ much of the expression the red-haired boy had worn when he had confessed his feelings for Calum to Ashton in the café for the first time, a day that felt a million _years_ ago now. The day Ashton had first met Luke.

Calum looked up warily at Michael, tears still rolling down his cheeks as he tensed up. The red-haired boy’s expression changed to something a lot softer and he dropped down onto the edge of the sofa and, sure, he was maybe _kind_ of squashing Ashton’s feet but the older boy thought it might be worth it when he saw Calum’s face change as Michael opened his arms for him.

“I don’t care if things are weird between us now,” Michael said shakily, his eyes bright with tears and something else – ‘ _Love_ ,’ the little voice in Ashton’s head supplied reverently – and Calum wasn’t the only one crying now. “I just want my best _friend_ back,” Michael whimpered and he made a sound like all of the air had been knocked out of him when Calum _flung_ himself at Michael with a broken sob.

Ashton carefully extricated his feet and, after a moment, he got up.

“We’ll just be in the kitchen,” he said roughly, choked up, and Luke gave Calum’s shoulder a gentle squeeze – but not Michael’s because apparently he wanted to _keep_ both of his hands – before he followed Ashton, shutting the door quietly behind them.

Ashton dropped down into a chair at the kitchen table like the conversation had aged him, his eyes tired and sad, and Luke came to a stop in front of him, leaning against the table with worry in his eyes. Ashton sighed softly when Luke’s hand gently cupped his cheek and he looked down, abruptly ashamed when he remembered he was only wearing short sleeves again.

“Ash,” Luke murmured but Ashton was tugging at his sleeves, stretching them uselessly, as his cheeks flushed red. He’d thought it was a good idea to try and accept himself more – except not in front of his grandparents or the little ones because they _couldn’t_ find out – but now he was just embarrassed. The scars and cuts on his arms were _ugly_ and so was _he_ and –

“Ash, _please,_ you've got to breathe for me,” Luke whispered, leaning down and brushing his lips against Ashton’s forehead lightly before he knelt down in front of him. He rested his face on Ashton’s thigh but there was nothing remotely sexual about it as he took one of Ashton’s arms and pressed numerous light kisses to the scars there, before he switched to the other wrist.

“Thank you for calming me down,” Ashton choked out, feeling embarrassed as his hazel eyes brimmed with tears, and the blond boy relaxed. Luke gave Ashton a soft look and reached up to squeeze his hip comfortingly. ‘ _I love you_ ,’ Ashton finished in his head silently but, from the look in Luke’s eyes as he stretched up to kiss the older boy’s lips, Ashton thought maybe he already knew.

Ashton wished he could have _this_ more than he wished for anything else in the _world_ and, sure, maybe that was _incredibly_ selfish but… Luke was the only person who could _truly_ make him feel like everything was going to be okay these days.

Ashton just wished they weren’t living a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought and thank you for reading. <3  
> I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter yet but it was _really_ draining to write so I think I'm going to go and lie on the floor somewhere now because I'm having some emotions. Wow.


	68. Bleed Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“We’re uploading this one,” he said and Ashton – and seemingly the others too – couldn’t quite find it in him to disagree. Michael looked triumphant as he ended the recording and, with a slightly teasing smile, he said: “We’d be like a real band if we did that.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is running away from me because it's a dick so I'm doing my best to rein it in, I promise.  
> (I apologise for the title. That was probably misleading.)  
> Enjoy!

**_So many words we’re not saying._ **

**_Don’t wanna wait ‘til it’s gone._ **

**_You make me strong._ **

_– Strong, One Direction_

 

It was still fairly chilly in the garage and, despite how sweet Luke had been earlier on while Michael was comforting Calum, Ashton was still glad to cover his arms up with a hoody when he pulled it on.

The four of them had been playing quite often after school and at the weekends, and Ashton enjoyed being able to look back on their past practises because Michael had filmed some of them on his phone. There’d been some very _vague_ talk about uploading them onto Luke's YouTube channel but none of them were too keen on the idea yet since they didn’t think they were good enough.

“What are we playing today?” Luke asked, a bit cautiously, as Calum followed Michael into the garage. He’d left his bass there since they’d been practising the previous day, and some of the tension seemed to bleed out of him when he got his hands on the instrument again.

“What about Jasey Rae?” Michael suggested as he began to tune his guitar. Ashton dropped down onto the stool behind his drum-kit and tossed one of the drumsticks into the air, catching it reflexively. Luke smiled when he saw.

“We could try that,” the blond boy said with a shrug. “I was looking at the chords for it last night actually and they didn’t look _too_ hard. Do you know the lyrics?”

Michael looked like he was quite tempted to kick Luke. “Of _course_ I know the lyrics,” he said sharply before he muttered something slightly wistful about Jack Barakat and dropped down onto one of the chairs in the semi-circle around the drum-kit.

Ashton rolled his eyes fondly at Michael but there was still worry clawing at his heart when his hazel gaze flickered to an exhausted-looking Calum. “What do _you_ think, Cal? Jasey Rae?”

Calum looked surprised at being addressed – Ashton kind of wanted to punch himself in the face, like, _hard_ – but he still nodded, a tiny faint smile touching his lips. “Okay. Can we do a Blink song after though?”

“Sure,” Ashton said softly and, satisfied, Calum joined Luke and Michael in finishing up tuning his instrument. Ashton began to warm up and, as he beat out a steady rhythm – a ‘ _compound quadruple drum pattern_ ’ if Mrs. McKay was to be believed which, Ashton assumed, she probably was – and stretched out his muscles, the others finished up tuning, and it wasn’t long before Michael had set his camera phone up and they were ready to start playing.

The opening chords sounded and Ashton felt the knot in his chest recede until, once more, it was barely there at all.

“ _Lights out, I still hear the rain_ ,” Luke began as his fingers drifted across the strings in time with Michael’s. “ _These images that fill my head. Now keep my fingers from making mistakes_.”

Calum’s eyes were a little less dull than normal as he focused on his bass, his dark fluffy hair falling forwards to hide his eyes, but Ashton almost missed a beat and he made himself focus on the song.

“ _Tell my voice what it takes_ ,” Michael sang, his voice more gravelly than Luke’s but still beautiful in its own way, although _Michael_ would of course insist on calling it ‘ _punk_ ’. “ _To speak up. Speak up._ ”

The rest of the song went fairly well and, as Luke was playing the closing chords, Michael was already nodding.

“We’re uploading this one,” he said and Ashton – and seemingly the others too – didn't disagree. Michael looked triumphant as he ended the recording and, with a slightly teasing smile, he said: “We’d be like a real band if we did that.”

Luke laughed but the sound faded away into silence as they all considered the possibility. Ashton felt himself closing off though because it seemed too big, too _real_ , and he didn’t want to explore that avenue any further. It frightened him just to _think_ about.

Michael looked slightly overwhelmed too but he seemed to shake himself as he turned to Calum with a slightly awed smile (like he _still_ couldn’t believe he was allowed to be close to the football captain again) and said: “Blink-182 now, Cal, yeah? How about _I Miss You_?”

Ashton didn’t think he’d imagined the double-meaning and this was only confirmed when Calum’s eyes went glassy with tears which he quickly tried to blink away.

“That sounds like an excellent choice,” Luke said and the fact that Michael didn’t mimic him for once showed just how sincere the red-haired boy was being. “You sing the first verse, Calum. If you want to that is…?”

Calum looked worried but he gave a tiny nod and Ashton relaxed a little as he turned his drumsticks over carefully in his hands, glancing up at the football captain through his eyelashes.

Things might be bad at the moment but he was _sure_ they could fix things. Calum wasn’t _broken_ after all – he’d just fallen down. He needed a hand to help him up again. That was all.

They could do that. _Together_.

“Earth to Ashton?” Michael called sarcastically and the older boy’s cheeks flushed as he glowered. “We kind of need you to play the opening of the song? Y’know, if you’re still here?”

“Shut up,” Ashton mumbled but he was smiling a tiny bit as he began to drum.

Calum joined in with his bass, and then Luke and Michael were playing too, and everyone was watching Calum secretly as he took a deep, slightly ragged breath in preparation to sing.

“ _Hello there, the angel from my nightmare_ ,” Calum sang quietly, his eyes flickering around nervously. They settled on Michael and the red-haired boy pulled a stupid face that made Calum roll his eyes, even as his expression softened a little. His voice grew a little louder and Ashton had never seen Michael look more proud (or conflicted and secretly _hurting_ ) as he did in that moment.

“ _The shadow in the background of the morgue. The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley. We can live like Jack and Sally if we want. Where you can always find me._ ”

Luke’s piercing ocean-blue eyes settled on Ashton and the older boy wondered what it meant.

“ _We’ll have Halloween on Christmas_ ,” Calum finished, finally tearing his eyes away from Michael’s and focusing on his bass. “ _And in this night we’ll wish this never ends. We’ll wish this never ends._ ”

Michael’s soft: “ _I miss you, miss you_ ” seemed a little _too_ heartfelt and Ashton had to shake himself as he slowed the beat to match the pace of the song, switching patterns to pick up the speed again when Luke started to sing with his _stupidly_ beautiful eyes locked on Ashton’s the _entire_ time.

“ _Where are you, and I’m so sorry_ ,” he sang clearly, the notes echoing around the garage. Ashton’s heart swelled in his chest, breaking free of the knot and burning it away. “ _I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight. I need somebody and always, this sick strange darkness, comes creeping on so haunting every time._ ”

Ashton’s curls were escaping the bandana he had tied around his head and they were tumbling down over his forehead. He hoped they were hiding the tears in his eyes that were threatening to spill over. Somehow, he was quite sure Luke knew anyway.

“ _As I stared I counted, the webs from all the spiders, catching things and eating their insides. Like indecision to call you, and hear your voice of treason._ ” Luke closed his eyes briefly as he sang that line and Ashton felt guilt pulse through him which was quickly stifled when Luke gazed at him once more as he sang the last lines. “ _Will you come home and stop this pain tonight? Stop this pain tonight_.”

Ashton, Michael and Calum joined Luke in singing the next verse, and the blond boy's eyes fixed on Ashton _should_ have felt distracting but it just… _didn’t_. It felt grounding somehow, in a way that nothing else _ever_ did, and Ashton tried not to dwell on that too much, tried to distract himself, because Luke had a _fucking girlfriend_ , a _very_ important fact that Ashton seemed keen to forget and… and he _couldn’t_ keep doing this.

It wasn’t _fair_. On _either_ of them.

Now Ashton knew how Michael must have felt all those months ago when he’d had to tell Calum that it wouldn’t work – that it _couldn’t_ work – because things were getting in the way, because it wasn’t _right_ , even though he **_loved_** him. Ashton wondered if _Michael_ had felt like he was being torn in two as well.

The older boy thought it must have shown on his face because the light in Luke’s eyes seemed to dim when he looked up as the four of them sang in the garage, quiet and desperate, as the sun slowly sank outside.

“ _Don’t waste your time on me, you’re already the voice inside my head. I miss you._ ”

Ashton had never felt so lonely in a room full of people before, but he did then.

" _I miss you, miss you_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> I liked writing this one today because 5SOS is _sort_ of born in this chapter and it was 3 years ago today that Ashton joined the band so I just kind of feel like it's a bit full-circle.  
>  I don't know, I just liked writing this one, even though I feel like the story is ignoring my plan a bit now...  
> Let's see where we end up...


	69. The Last Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“I don’t know how I deserve you,” Luke muttered and the déjà vu shocked Ashton. He wondered how long Luke had felt that way for and, swallowing against the lump in his throat, Ashton pressed a kiss to the back of the blond boy’s neck. Luke shivered._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut, angst, and bonus Aleisha.  
> Enjoy.

_**We’re that song you wouldn’t sing,** _

_**Just a broken melody,** _

_**You’re killing me.** _

_– You Ruin Me, The Veronicas_

 

When Luke opened the front door for Ashton, the older boy saw Luke’s family properly for the first time. He’d seen Luke’s mum Liz in passing before, like when he was leaving for school in the morning and she was going to work at the same time, and they’d often said hello and stuff so Ashton could give her an awkward little wave without wanting the ground to swallow him up _too_ much.

It was a different story entirely with Luke’s father and brothers though.

Ashton couldn’t work out which one was Jack and which was Ben. All he knew was that they were both massively tall – almost as tall as _Luke_ was – and were wearing the sort of overconfident expression that Luke usually needed to force.

One of Luke’s brothers messed up his hair as they walked past – pushing his head so hard Ashton was surprised it hadn’t _hurt_ – but Luke just scowled, hands flying up to fix his quiff while Ashton looked down at the floor, embarrassed. They hadn’t even made it down the hall yet and he just wanted to be up in Luke’s room with the blond boy.

Actually, no, _scratch that_ – Ashton just wanted to be home again.

He’d never been good with new people and he was still trying to tell himself that he needed to stop seeing Luke, that he didn’t _really_ love him, that he _couldn’t_ love someone who was cheating on someone else to be with him – but of course that was utter rubbish.

Ashton was so gone for Luke that it _hurt_ and he didn’t see that changing anytime soon.

“Who’s your friend, Lukey?” the other brother asked and Luke shot Ashton an apologetic look when the curly-haired boy bristled at the tone.

“This is Ash,” Luke said after a moment, shifting a little closer to Ashton, almost _protectively_. “He lives next door.” Luke’s brother gave Ashton an assessing look before he snorted and walked away, and Ashton’s eyes widened when he saw Luke’s hands balling into fists before he seemed to almost _force_ himself to relax as he tried to sort out his hair again.

“You spend too much time on your hair,” a gruff voice said and Ashton glanced up, looking at Luke’s dad Andrew for the first time. He’d thought the older man was joking at first but it soon became clear that he wasn’t by the look of disgust on his face. Ashton thought that was excessive. “Why can’t you be more like your brothers?”

Luke looked uncomfortable and Andrew just turned away, stalking off after his other sons. Ashton couldn’t quite resist glaring at the man’s retreating back although his expression changed to one of concern when Luke led him towards the stairs.

Ashton was silent as he followed Luke but he glanced at the clock in the hallway as they passed it. They only had an hour until the party officially started but Ashton knew people would be turning up before then so they had to be careful.

“I’m sorry,” Luke said immediately, the _moment_ he shut his door carefully. He kept his back to Ashton, his hands splayed open on the painted wood, and his chest was heaving like Ashton’s did when he was really stressed about something, like the night he’d met the social worker for the first time and she’d told them that they’d have to leave Anne.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry _for_ ,” Ashton promised and he hesitated for a moment before he walked forwards, his footsteps muffled by the thick carpet, and wrapped his arms around Luke’s waist. ‘ _I love you_ ,’ he thought silently.

Luke stilled in his arms and, for a moment, Ashton panicked that he’d said it out loud. The blond boy was already speaking though, and Ashton knew he was safe. He just wondered why it _hurt_ so much.

“I don’t know how I deserve you,” Luke muttered and the déjà vu _shocked_ Ashton. He wondered how long Luke had felt that way for and, swallowing against the lump in his throat, Ashton pressed a kiss to the back of the blond boy’s neck. Luke shivered.

“There’s an hour ‘til the party, right?” Ashton checked and Luke nodded, his hands still pressing against the door, effectively holding it shut. “I don’t want you to feel bad,” Ashton said softly and Luke pressed back against him subtly, rolling his hips just enough that Ashton had to close his eyes for a moment before his hand dropped down to rub Luke through his jeans.

“We – we shouldn’t – ” Luke gasped and Ashton pulled away immediately, making the blond boy whine at the lack of contact. He felt guilty because the _last_ thing he wanted to do was upset Luke more.

“You want me to stop?” Ashton asked softly and Luke reached behind him blindly to drag the older boy back.

“ _No way_ ,” Luke said roughly and Ashton was smiling before he could stop himself as he unbuttoned Luke’s jeans and slipped them halfway down his thighs, along with Luke’s boxers which – if Ashton wasn’t _very_ much mistaken – seemed to be patterned with toucans. The overwhelming fondness Ashton felt wasn’t _quite_ enough to smother the groan that escaped him when his hand closed around Luke’s hard cock.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Luke mumbled breathlessly, moving so that he could bury his face in the crook of his arm. Ashton’s hand moved easily as Luke thrust his hips forwards to meet the older boy’s fist, his palm slick with pre-cum as Luke bit down hard on his own arm, smothering his whines as best he could.

“I hope you know that this is your present,” Ashton joked as he rubbed his thumb over the slit, and Luke huffed out a laugh as his knees buckled at the pleasure coursing through him. Ashton slipped his thigh between Luke’s legs to give the blond boy something to lean against and, if that meant that Ashton could thrust subtly against Luke’s hip, no one _else_ had to know.

“ _Ash_ ,” Luke gasped as his free hand slipped from the door and reached back to rub clumsily at the bulge in Ashton’s jeans. The older boy tried not to moan but the only other alternative was biting down on Luke’s neck and, while that seemed like a _really_ good idea right about now, he didn’t want Luke to get in trouble with Aleisha.

“Don’t worry,” Ashton forced out as he continued to fist Luke’s cock, twisting his wrist and tightening his grip slightly at the end. “ _I’m_ looking after _you_.”

Ashton’s free hand slipped under Luke’s top, stroking across the soft expanse of skin before his fingers brushed Luke’s nipple and the blond boy actually let out a _sob_ as his cock kicked out a spurt of pre-cum. Luke didn’t even have it in him to be _embarrassed_ and Ashton filed that away for a later date as his hand continued to explore.

Luke was a mess as he writhed against Ashton, sobbing into the crook of his arm as his hips jerked forwards, chasing the motion of Ashton’s fist, even as he continued to clumsily rub at Ashton behind him.

The older boy was panting as he rolled his hips against Luke, silently cursing the fact that there wasn’t _quite_ enough friction to send him toppling over the edge.

Luke had no such qualms.

He climaxed with such a broken cry that Ashton actually had to rip his hand free from Luke’s shirt and clap it over the younger boy’s mouth, although he felt bad doing it. Luke came all over Ashton’s fist and the back of the door, his face morphed with pleasure as his body stilled against Ashton’s, his hand clamping just a bit _too_ hard around Ashton’s cock.

The older boy came in his pants with a groan that he _just_ managed to muffle in Luke’s shoulder, his body shaking as the aftershocks rolled through him.

Luke slumped bonelessly back against Ashton with a soft whine as Ashton dropped his hand from Luke’s mouth, pushing Ashton’s fist away from his softening cock with unsteady hands. Ashton met Luke’s searching lips with his own, stroking the soft pale skin of Luke’s trembling thighs softly as they both caught their breath again.

“ _Ash_ , I –”

The words were barely out of Luke’s mouth when they heard footsteps coming down the hallway outside. Ashton’s heart thundered in his chest. Luke’s room was the furthest away from the stairs so, if they could hear someone approaching, they _had_ to be coming towards Luke’s room, (unless they just wanted to look out of the window at the end of the hallway which seemed _wholly_ unlikely to Ashton).

He was proved correct a few seconds later when Luke looked up with panic, made a frantic shushing motion, and gestured for Ashton to hide.

The older boy did as Luke asked as he rolled under the bed, even as a part of him pointed out that, if it was just a member of Luke’s family, that would actually look _more_ suspicious because he’d be nowhere to be seen.

Ashton didn’t point this out though and, a moment after, he was glad he hadn’t because Luke had barely managed to drag his clothes back into place when the door swung open and Aleisha walked in without knocking, like she owned the place. The older boy felt his lip curl at that.

Ashton could see her in the mirror opposite, could make out the sandy hair and the haughty expression. His chest tightened with panic the moment he realised that though because, if he could see her, _she_ could see _him_ , lying under her boyfriend’s bed with Luke's cum on his fist and a hand clamped over his mouth in an effort to stay silent.

“ _Babe_ ,” Luke forced out when he saw her and, damnit, he still sounded _wrecked_. Ashton prayed to a god he didn’t believe in that she wouldn’t comment on it, wouldn’t notice how rumpled Luke’s shirt was or how there were still two spots of colour in his cheeks as his heart raced, presumably just as fast as Ashton’s.

“Your dad sent me up to look for you,” Aleisha said with an air of disinterest although she was preening slightly. “He’s so _nice_ , Luke, honestly. I don’t know why you don’t like him.”

Ashton _knew_ he wasn’t imagining the full-body shudder that ran through Luke and he bit his lip anxiously, even as he wiped his hand subtly on the carpet and prayed that no one would ever realise. He decided he would ask Luke about his dad one day, when they weren’t at risk of being found out and –

 _Damn_ , Ashton had never felt more like he was cheating than he did in that moment as he hid in the too-small space under Luke’s bed and tried to keep his anxiety under control as the breath rasped from his lungs.

“Your mum said you had that Ashton kid with you,” Aleisha continued airily and Ashton stopped breathing. Judging by the way Luke had frozen, he’d apparently done the same thing. “I don’t know _why_ you had to ask him round – he’s a _weirdo_. It was much better when you weren’t talking to him.”

Luke laughed uncomfortably but didn’t say anything and Aleisha continued like he hadn’t reacted.

“Where is he anyway?”

“ _Oh_ ,” Luke gasped unwisely before he seemed to think for a moment. Ashton closed his eyes, waiting to be discovered. “He had to go back home to get something.”

“ _Right_ ,” Aleisha said flatly, her tone bored. “If you say so. Whatever, I don’t care anyway. Aren’t you coming downstairs though? The party starts soon.”

Luke agreed in a mumble and followed her out of the unlit room into the bright hallway outside, but Ashton didn’t miss the apologetic look Luke shot him before he shut the door, plunging Ashton into darkness.

The older boy stayed lying there for a long, _long_ time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is okay!  
> I am actually pretty happy with this update as I had fun writing it - please let me know what you thought :)


	70. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton was halfway across the patio when everything went wrong._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me _so_ long to write! Sorry about the wait!  
>  Enjoy :)

_**I wish I could,** _

_**Leave and never return.** _

_**Baby, I know I should,** _

_**But for you I’d burn.** _

_– I Can’t Stay Away, The Veronicas_

 

Ashton cleaned up as best he could in the tiny ensuite in Luke’s bedroom but he had to be careful to stay quiet because the _last_ thing he wanted was one of Luke’s family to hear him while everyone else was outside and come to investigate. Ashton had opted for keeping the light switched off too, just in case someone saw outside and wondered who was up there, which might well have contributed to him thoroughly _soaking_ the front of his shirt when he’d turned the tap the wrong way.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ashton mumbled as he shifted uncomfortably, glaring in the general direction of his soaked shirt and now-stained boxers. This evening was going to be _long_ and, especially after that close call with Aleisha, Ashton _really_ just wanted to be somewhere else.

He briefly entertained thoughts of just slipping out to see his friends – Calum had made up some half-hearted excuse about being busy and no one had wanted to push him, and Michael had flat-out refused which had probably been for the best – so Ashton knew he could go and see them. Hell, he thought he’d rather ring up and ask if they needed him to work an extra shift at the _garage_ than stay here.

Ashton faltered though, staring hopelessly into the mirror as he gripped the edge of the counter for support.

The moon was illuminating Ashton’s face and darkening the circles under his eyes until they looked _bruised_ almost, but all Ashton could see was Luke, his stupid pink lips curling into a hesitant smile as he invited Ashton to the party, his tongue dancing out to play with his lip-ring, his twinkling ocean-blue eyes crinkling as he grinned.

Ashton sighed shakily, pushing himself away from the counter and struggling back into the jumper he’d left on Luke’s desk chair which – _shit_ – he really hoped Aleisha hadn’t noticed.

The whole way down the stairs Ashton was jumpy but he needn’t have bothered. Everyone – including Luke’s seemingly _awful_ brothers and father – were already standing out on the patio at the back of the enormous house, and it was a simple enough matter to slip through the glass doors and hover uncomfortably at the edge of the crowd.

The majority of them seemed to be made up of Kings students who were kind of sneering at him, Ashton was fairly certain, but he did his best to ignore them, breathing a sigh of relief when the first round of fireworks were set off and everyone became distracted.

Ashton wandered around on the patio by himself, glancing up occasionally at the explosions of colour in the inky black sky but mostly just _thinking_. Hs thoughts drifted to the evening where Luke had told him about the party he was planning to throw because _that_ had been the first night they’d kissed… the night Ashton had clawed at himself until he’d bled…

He wondered how even a _little_ part of him could _possibly_ think that this would ever work out.

Luke appeared behind him, hooking his chin over Ashton’s shoulder as they stood on the very edge of the patio, looking out over Luke’s vast garden as the fireworks shattered the quiet peace of the night sky.

“I’m sorry,” Luke whispered, his cold lips brushing Ashton’s ear, his hot breath a sharp contrast. Ashton shuddered, keeping his hazel eyes fixed pointedly on the sky.

“Okay,” Ashton sighed in response and Luke made a small, hurt sound. Ashton tried to ignore him. “Go to Aleisha, Luke. You’re being too obvious.”

Luke hesitated for a moment, clearly hoping that Ashton was going to change his mind, but when it quickly became apparent that the curly-haired boy wasn’t going to, Luke sighed and slunk away.

Ashton could see the blond boy out of the corner of his eye and he tried to keep his face impassive but it was so _hard_ when Aleisha had practically _draped_ herself over him, when Luke’s arm slipped around her waist to stroke her hip, when his long pale fingers slipped under the hem of her jumper to rub the skin there.

One look at Luke’s face told Ashton that the blond boy wasn’t _enjoying_ it – they knew each other too well by now and Ashton wondered how no one _else_ could see the reluctance in Luke’s eyes – but the older boy had had enough of the lies now. He had kind of accepted that Luke didn’t want to come out – he still didn’t know the _why_ yet but he wasn’t sure he’d _ever_ get an answer – but he didn’t have to keep lying like this.

It hurt too badly.

Ashton was halfway across the patio with a clear plan in mind: ‘ _go home, shower, get a snack, skype Calum or Michael, sleep_ ’ – and he was thus that much closer to Luke – when everything went wrong.

Andrew Hemmings appeared behind Luke and Aleisha, clapping his son on the shoulder – _too_ hard by the looks of things, because Luke had flinched – and asking in an obnoxiously loud voice: “So who do you play football with here then?”, even as he smiled at Aleisha with the sort of look that made Ashton’s _flesh_ crawl.

Aleisha laughed at Andrew’s words, like he’d said the funniest thing she’d ever heard, tossing her head back and letting her sandy hair tumble down over her shoulder in what was _clearly_ a practised movement. “Oh, that’s _hysterical_ ,” she gasped, pretending to wipe a tear away, and Ashton squared his jaw angrily, even as he tried not to act like he was listening.

“Lukey doesn’t even _play_ football,” Aleisha giggled and Ashton stilled as he watched all of the colour drain out of Luke’s face. Andrew’s hand seemed to tighten and Luke shifted in his father's grip, like he was in _pain_ almost.

“How strange!” Andrew said with a forced smile and gritted teeth. “He told me he’s been playing every Friday for this _whole_ term.”

Aleisha frowned, like maybe she realised she’d said something wrong, and Ashton might _really_ dislike her but he couldn’t _hate_ her when he saw the faintest trace of worry in her eyes. Luke looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up but it wasn’t _just_ embarrassment Ashton could see on his face. There was a touch of _fear_ too.

The fireworks were still going off and Luke’s dog Molly was barking from the kitchen and everyone else was distracted, and only Ashton and Aleisha saw as Andrew said: “Luke needs to help me with something in the house now” before he dragged his son back inside.

Aleisha watched the pair go with slightly wide eyes. “ _Oh_ ,” she breathed and Ashton caught her gaze quite accidentally. “I didn’t mean to get him into trouble,” she said after a moment and Ashton didn’t know why she was telling him, why she thought he _cared_. (Ashton didn’t know why he cared either.)

“I know,” he said, although he hadn’t realised it was _true_ until that second.

A few Kings students came over when they saw that Aleisha was alone and, although her smile was a little distracted, she seemed content enough. Ashton drifted closer to the glass doors that led into the house, smiling faintly at Liz when she waved over at him.

He felt sick when he heard the _faintest_ sounds of a gruff raised voice coming from the house but one glance at Luke’s mum, standing on the other side of the patio, proved that she would be too far away to hear.

Ashton heard a sharp smacking sound and then silence.

His heart was racing in his chest and the knot was tightening painfully as ‘ _what ifs’_ raced through him, and he had only _just_ started to pluck up the courage to open the back door some ten minutes later when Luke emerged, his face a little blotchy as he carefully kept his weight off his left leg, with his eyes too bright and his forced laugh too loud.

Ashton’s heart broke for him.

Luke passed without looking at Ashton but, _so_ lightly the older boy barely felt it, Luke let his fingers brush the back of Ashton’s hand.

The blond boy reached Aleisha and, looking concerned and like maybe she could tell he needed the comfort, she slid her arm around his waist securely and held him there as they talked to the other students from Luke’s school, and Ashton couldn’t even _resent_ Aleisha for it because the touch seemed to anchor Luke as his chest stopped heaving quite so much.

Ashton looked away from them, his heart aching, as his hazel gaze settled on Andrew who had just re-entered the garden. His cheeks were a little flushed and Ashton didn’t like the icy look in his eyes.

Ashton wanted to leave, to _run_ home now because everything in him was screaming that this man was _dangerous_ , but he knew he wasn’t going to leave now.

He couldn’t do that to Luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought/whether you enjoyed it or not - thank you for reading :)  
> Also I finish my current job today and start a new one on Monday so, while I will still update obviously, it may take me a little bit longer from now on. Sorry but I hope you guys decide to stick around :) <3


	71. Split-Second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke kissed him back with a broken sob, his nails biting into Ashton’s cheeks as he cried. The older boy stroked Luke’s hair and massaged the soft skin on the back of Luke’s neck, and even though his world still felt like it was crashing down around him, being with Luke lessened it a little, allowed him to push it out of his head so that he could focus on someone else for a change._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, angsty angsty angst!  
> I apologise in advance.

_**All his life he’s been told,** _

_**He’ll be nothing when he’s old.** _

_**All the kicks and all the blows,** _

_**He won’t ever let it show.** _

_– Superheroes, The Script_

 

Luke slept over at Ashton’s that night and, although his nan hadn’t been sure about it because Harry and Lauren needed their sleep after they’d been kept awake by a car alarm the night before, Grace had given in when she’d seen the desperation on her grandson’s face.

“I’m not...” the old woman said before she hesitated, her shoulders slumping a little. “Of course he can stay,” she said, and Luke gave her a surprisingly soft, grateful smile as Ashton thanked her and led the blond boy up the stairs by the hand. If Grace thought there was anything amiss about it, she didn’t comment, and Ashton was grateful for that.

“C’mon,” he said roughly and Luke’s hand tightened around his as they climbed the stairs slowly, Luke leaning against him a little as he tried to keep the weight off his leg. “Not far now.”

“I know,” Luke mumbled, keeping his voice low so that he didn’t disturb George putting the little ones to bed. The blond boy tried for a laugh but it fell woefully short. “I’ve been round here before.”

“Yeah, but usually you climb through the window,” Ashton muttered and his eye roll was more to keep the tears in than to express his bemusement at the situation. Luke let out a hiss of pain when Ashton dropped his hand to open his bedroom door and the older boy felt _terrible_ as he slipped his arm around Luke’s waist to help him over to the bed.

While the blond boy was getting settled, Ashton stepped back, regarding the blond boy cautiously. “What... what do you think you’ve... you’ve actually _done_ to your leg?” he asked softly, although he hated that he had to ask ‘ _what have **you** done_ ’ when it so _clearly_ hadn’t been Luke’s fault.

“I twisted it when... when I fell,” Luke replied, a moment too late, and Ashton closed his eyes for a moment, nodding like it hurt him to agree.

“When you _fell_ ,” he repeated in a flat little voice, his hands balling into fists. “Right.”

After a few moments, Ashton realised the door was still open and hurried to shut it before he crossed over to his dresser so that he could find some clothes for them to wear. “Sweats and a t-shirt alright for you?” Ashton asked with forced cheeriness, holding the garments out for Luke to see.

The blond boy’s face lit up when he saw them.

“Hey, _community service_!” Luke said with a grin. Ashton suddenly had to fight back the tears.

“I’m so sorry, Luke,” he breathed and the younger boy sighed, dropping his head as he looked down at the floor, his hands fisting in Ashton’s duvet cover.

“Why’d you have to see, Ash?” Luke whispered but it seemed to be more to _himself_ than the older boy. Ashton tried to swallow past the lump rising in his throat but it didn’t work and his words got caught in his throat.

“I – I don’t –” He shook his head, frustrated at himself, before he dropped the sweatpants and t-shirts on the desktop, and dropped down onto the bed beside Luke, taking his hand tentatively. “I never _noticed_ , Luke,” Ashton forced out and the words _hurt_ to say out loud.

Luke looked over at him through the darkness, his ocean-blue eyes blank and shining with tears, his face tired.

“You don’t see what you’re not expecting to see,” he said heavily and Ashton bit his bottom lip as his free hand drifted up to cup Luke’s cheek gently, the touch so light that it was barely there at all.

“That doesn’t make it okay, Luke,” he said quietly before something suddenly occurred to him and his hazel eyes widened fractionally. “But... Luke, Michael _hit_ you and you barely even... _reacted_. Your eyes just went all glassy and – _God_ , Luke, you just switched off! You just switched off and we didn’t even _see_ it!”

“Ash, you _need_ to stop beating yourself up about this,” Luke said heavily, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly before he gave a low sigh and let himself slump back until he was lying on Ashton’s bed. The older boy stayed sitting up but his hand remained in Luke’s and the blond boy seemed to take comfort from that.

“When did... when did it start?” Ashton whispered before he suddenly panicked. “Wait, Luke. No, you don’t have to answer that. I’m sorry! I’m _really_ sorry – I’ll just shut up and –”

“ _Ashton_!” Luke interrupted but there was no heat in his voice. His expression softened when Ashton snapped his mouth shut and Luke gave the older boy’s hand a little tug so that he’d lie down beside him. “It’s okay,” Luke whispered, his eyes empty but his words calm as he leant forwards, gently brushing his lips against Ashton’s.

“ _Really_?” Ashton breathed, his eyes wide. Luke kissed him again, his palm soft on Ashton’s cheek.

“I promise,” the blond boy said. “If I don’t want to answer anything then I won’t. I trust you, Ash. Honestly. Ask away.” Luke looked resigned though and there was a faint tension in the line of his shoulders and his squared jaw that indicated that maybe he wasn’t _quite_ as calm about this as he’d been acting.

“Only if you’re sure,” Ashton whispered as he noticed just how _close_ he was to Luke for the first time. He could make out all of his individual eyelashes, tear-wet and a few shades darker than usual, and the flecks of almost _silver_ in his irises seemed to glow.

“To answer your earlier question,” Luke began and Ashton didn’t like the sarcastic tone that the younger boy had adopted, like he was laughing at himself... or like he was scared that Ashton wouldn’t take him seriously. “I was about nine, give or take a few months. I just kept messing up, y’know?”

Ashton remembered the empathy he’d seen on Luke’s face at the pier on that first day they’d met and his heart _ached_ in his chest. “What do you mean?” Ashton asked, taking in the dark circles under Luke’s eyes and his ashen skin, like he hadn’t seen the sun enough lately. “What did you ‘ _keep messing up_ ’?”

“Just... _everything_ I guess,” Luke said uncertainly and, when he saw Ashton’s sceptical, disbelieving look, he tried to elaborate. “Like... my mum always put a lot of pressure on me to do well, y’’know?” he said and Ashton nodded uncertainly, biting his lip as he _prayed_ that Liz hadn’t done anything to hurt Luke too.

“Mum’s always been good to me,” Luke said and there was only sincerity in his exhausted eyes. “She wanted me to do well but she was never... _cruel_.” He choked on the word and Ashton gripped his hand tighter. “She never let anyone try to... y’know, _hurt_ me when... when she was around. She thought they’d stopped...”

‘ ** _They_**.’

Ashton thought maybe his heart stopped but Luke didn’t see the older boy’s face crumple because he was already continuing to talk, sounding a little breathless now, like once he’d started, he couldn’t stop.

“I was always my dad’s least favourite, y’know?” Luke’s expression darkened a bit as he spoke and Ashton didn’t like the dull, almost _haunted_ look he could see in Luke’s eyes in the moments before he let them slide shut. Ashton tightened his grip on the blond boy’s hand as a tear rolled down Luke’s cheek silently. “My brothers could see that I guess. They used to knock me around a lot when I was younger. Thought it was funny, I guess. I don’t know. Wasn’t long before dad joined in. See, mum worked late a lot when I was younger – works even later now to be honest – and she wasn’t home much. She never saw and dad was always _careful_.”

Luke’s voice twisted with disgust and Ashton found himself snuggling closer to Luke, tucking his head into the taller boy’s neck and pressing soft kisses to the skin there as he reached up with his free hand to rest his palm on Luke’s chest.

“Was it... just _physical_ stuff?” Ashton whispered to keep his voice from shaking. When Luke looked up at him, surprised, Ashton elaborated. “Like... words can hurt too, yeah? And... and from what I... I saw _tonight_...”

“Yeah, well... they like to make their opinions known,” Luke said and there was a hint of ice in his voice that only made Ashton want to hold him closer. He resisted though, because Luke already looked like he was fighting against tears, and Ashton thought maybe it would help Luke to get this off his chest. “Y’know, the only thing they think I’ve done _right_ is... is _Aleisha_. I... Ash, if dad or... or maybe even Jack and Ben... if they _ever_ found out about dancing, I... I’d be afraid of the consequences.”

Ashton remembered their conversation from the night they’d made up after their argument, when they’d first seen each other again.

‘ _Can’t you just come out to your family? Would they **really** care that much?_ ’

‘ _That, Ashton, is most definitely a story for another day._ ’

Ashton remembered how Luke’s mask had flickered, how all of the _agony_  had shown for just a _split-second_ before he had forced himself to be calm again.

Ashton couldn’t resist cupping Luke’s face in both of his hands to kiss him and Luke’s hand knotted into the back of the older boy's shirt, holding him close as he drew in a ragged breath, almost like he could tell what the curly-haired boy was asking.

“Luke..." Ashton wondered if he dared to ask. “I just... What would your dad do if... if he found out about... about _you_ , Luke? About _us_?”

Luke’s eyelashes brushed against Ashton’s neck as he closed his eyes tightly, the hot tears finally boiling over. Ashton held him close as the blond boy spoke one last time that night.

“I don’t think mum would be able to stop him from _killing_ me, quite honestly.”

Ashton’s eyes were wide and _wild_ as he held Luke closer, wrapping his arms around the blond boy who was trembling violently and clutching at the older boy’s shirt as sobs tore through him. Ashton glared into the shadowy depths of his room as he wrapped himself protectively around Luke, kissing the younger boy’s forehead, his cheeks, his lips.

Luke kissed him back with a broken sob, his nails biting into Ashton’s cheeks as he cried and clung on, like Ashton was the only thing he had left anymore.

The older boy stroked Luke’s hair and massaged the soft skin on the back of Luke’s neck, and even though his world still felt like it was crashing down around him, being with Luke lessened it a little, allowed him to push it out of his head so that he could focus on someone _else_ for a change.

“You’re so _important_ to me, Lukey,” Ashton let out in a sob, wanting to say _something_ but not having even the _slightest_ idea what could even _begin_ to fix the damage he hadn't realised even  _existed_ until that night.

‘ _I love you,_ ’ the little voice in Ashton's head shouted. ‘ _Tell him you **love** him_.’

Ashton _didn’t_ , of course, but his arms tightened around Luke even more because of this, the muscles in his arms flexing, and the blond boy let out a tiny whimper as he burrowed closer, wriggling under Ashton's arm when the older boy reached down to drag the duvet over them.

He decided, in that moment, that he would do _anything_ to keep Luke safe... even if it meant never _really_ being with him.

Ashton could do that.

He _had_ to do that.

Luke’s life might depend on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me _hours_ to write... literally hours... and I'm not sure what I think of it yet.  
>  Please let me know what you thought and thank you for reading <3


	72. Set In The West

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton hated that he had fallen in love with someone who wasn't allowed to love him back, hated the knowledge that he would have to break Luke's heart to save his life, hated... Luke (except he was quite certain that he'd never hated someone less in his life)._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update just ran away from me...  
> Angsty as fuck and kind of a part one.  
> Sorry in advance.

_**Too much of a good thing won't be good for long.** _

_**Although you made my heart sing,** _

_**To stay with you would be wrong.** _

_**Too much of a good thing won't be good anymore.** _

_**Watch where I tread before I fall.** _

_\- Good Thing, Sam Smith_

 

Ashton was falling apart.

He could feel it in the air tearing down his throat as he fought for breath, in his long fingers ripping at his hair as he knotted them into the curls, in the way he curled in on himself and tried desperately not to _sob_ as the knot in his chest tightened so much that it felt like it was breaking his _heart_.

He didn't think he'd ever been more scared for anyone before, not even for the little ones when Anne fell into one of her drunken rages in the earlier days because, at least then, Ashton had known that he could distract her and take the blame for whatever she was angry about.

It wasn't that easy with Luke.

He couldn't just take him away from all of the absolute _shit_ he'd had to live through - was _still_ living through - because he lived next door and his mum loved him and Ashton _didn't know how to **help** , damnit_!

The sleeping boy shifted beside him, snuggling closer as he let out a soft whimper, and Ashton wrapped his arms around Luke's shoulders, suddenly having to fight back tears, even as his lungs burnt in his chest.

He wondered how _anyone_ could bring themselves to hurt Luke. He had soft blond hair and ocean-blue eyes, pale skin with a rosy undertone that only made itself apparent when he was laughing or kissing. He walked gracefully, and his hands were small and warm and _perfect_ , and Ashton loved him, as surely as the sun rose in the east and set in the west.

He **_loved_** him -

But they couldn't be together. That much was _more_ than apparent.

So Ashton would tell Luke tomorrow morning that they couldn't do this anymore. Instead he would simply watch the blond boy from afar, try to keep him as safe as he could, only talk to him when all four of them met in the garage to play music, and he would do his best to think of a solution, preferably one that wouldn't fuck up all of their lives in the process.

Luke let out another muffled whimper and rolled over until he was lying sprawled across the older boy's chest under the covers, his face tucked into Ashton's neck as he clung to him in the darkness. The curly-haired boy felt his arms wrap more securely around Luke as he stared up at the ceiling through watery eyes.

Ashton hated that he had fallen in love with someone who wasn't allowed to love him back, hated the knowledge that he would have to break Luke's heart to save his life, hated... _Luke (_ except he was quite certain that he'd never hated someone less in his _life_ ).

He hated how the blond boy made him _love_ him, how he was soft and vulnerable-looking when no one but Ashton was around to see, hated how he made Ashton _trust_ him with just a soft word and a casual touch... hated how Luke made him fall a little more in love with him everyday.

He just... He just wanted to _hate_ Luke... but he couldn't anymore... because he loved him more than anyone else in the world instead.

"I want you," Ashton whispered to the blond boy lying on his chest, their faces just inches apart, Luke's hurt even in _sleep_. "I really fucking _want_ you - so, _so_ badly - but I can't have you."

Luke blinked his piercing blue eyes open and Ashton stilled beneath him, shocked.

"You can have me," Luke breathed, his blue eyes dark as he pressed a light kiss to the underside of Ashton's jaw, still holding onto him like his life depended on it. "I want you to want me. Take me. Do it."

" _What_?" Ashton stammered, his cheeks heating up as his arms tightened around Luke's back, holding him closer.

"I want to go all the way with you, Ash," Luke breathed, even as the tears welled up in his eyes again, and Ashton was already shaking his head because Luke was _not_ in his right mind now and Ashton didn't know what he was doing and he didn't want to _hurt_ him or something and -

"I know you're going to leave me because you're being all ridiculously _honourable_ because you care too much... but I'd like it to be you, Ash," Luke said, his voice fast and breathless, shaky. _Broken_. "One last night... right? One last time."

When Ashton melted into Luke with a choked-off sob and the feeling that things were _never_ supposed to go out this way, he realised they'd been stupid ever to think this could have ended any _other_ way.

"I love you, Luke," Ashton sobbed, because it was true, and there was no point in lying anymore.

"I love you too, Ash," Luke choked out and their tears boiled on their cheeks as their mouths slanted together and their lungs burnt for air.

"Oh _god_ ," Ashton cried and his chest hurt because it was never supposed to be this _hard_.

Ashton figured a lot of things unfolded like this though.

Maybe they just weren't meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be some smut next... Maybe...  
> Please let me know what you thought <3


	73. Like A Prayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"Oh," Luke gasped out, his eyes pained again, only it was a different sort of pain this time because his eyes burnt brighter instead, and he looked alive._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me a ridiculously long amount of time to write and I've never written daddy kink before so I found it kinda weird but hopefully it's okay...

**_I wanna take away the hurts,_ **

**_But I just don't have the words._ **

**_Let me hold you._ **

**_Let me hold you tight._ **

**_Let me hold you._ **

**_Just let me hold you tonight..._ **

_\- Let Me Hold You, Josh Krajcik_

 

When Ashton looked back on it with hindsight, he supposed it wasn't surprising that Luke had an absolutely _massive_ daddy kink, although it seemed wholly inappropriate given the situation.

But then, Ashton reasoned, Andrew Hemmings had never been much of a father to Luke anyway.

Ashton figured maybe it had only happened because Luke felt like he needed to be looked after, like when he was with Ashton he was _safe_ , and that only made the pain in the older boy's chest burn brighter.

That didn't mean Ashton wasn't _surprised_ when Luke parted his lips in a silent moan and let the word slip out though, because the older boy _really_ hadn't been expecting it and, judging by the look of complete and utter mortification on the younger boy's face, apparently _he_ hadn't been either.

"Shit, I'm so _sorry_ , Ash! I don't know why I -" Luke began to gasp out, his cheeks stained scarlet, and Ashton kissed him silent before he drew back just far enough that their noses brushed together.

"It's okay, Lukey," Ashton said, and he didn't know _how_ it was true, but only that it was. "I'm gonna take care of you. I promise." His voice was thick as he cupped Luke's face gently with both hands. "Tonight and forever, even if it's _not_ in the way we'd like."

Luke's eyes got shiny with tears and he nodded jerkily as Ashton started to kiss his neck, his lips trailing gently lower as his hands slipped up to stroke the blond boy's shoulders.

"I love you," Luke mumbled, his cheeks flaming, his eyes awed, like he _still_ couldn't believe he was allowed to say it out loud. Ashton knew the feeling.

"I know," he muttered, his cheeks darkening too as he carefully began to unbutton Luke's shirt. "I love you too."

Things progressed more quickly after that as their kisses became more urgent and their breathing edged towards laboured. Their clothes had fallen like water to the floor and Ashton couldn't even find it in himself to feel _embarrassed_ because it was _Luke_ and everything felt so _easy_ with him, even though it shouldn't.

"Tell me if I do something wrong," Ashton whispered but Luke was already pulling him down into another hungry kiss and suppressing a groan when Ashton's tongue flicked out to play with his lip-ring.

"Yes, yes," Luke mumbled, his nails digging into the warm, bare skin of Ashton's back as he rolled his hips up to meet the older boy's, punching a groan out of Ashton. "Just - _please_ , Ash, daddy, _please_! I - I can't - _Oh_!"

Luke broke off when Ashton began to hesitantly circle his hole with a lube-wet finger, opening his mouth to pant into the cool air of the older boy's bedroom. Ashton couldn't help but notice that Luke didn't seem anywhere _near_ as wary as he had been and the thought had barely crossed his mind before he was blurting out: "Have you ever fingered yourself before, Lukey?"

The words felt dirty coming out but Ashton couldn't _quite_ pretend he wasn't affected when Luke nodded jerkily, causing heat to wash over the older boy. " _Fuck_ ," Ashton groaned, just as Luke moaned out: " _Please_ do it, Ash."

When Ashton carefully pushed one of his long fingers in, Luke pressed his head back into the pillows with a whine that Ashton silenced with a kiss.

It didn't take long for Luke to adjust and soon he was rocking his hips back before Ashton took the hint, thrusting his finger slowly in and out of Luke as he marvelled at the sheer _heat_ of it.

Ashton was doing his best _not_ to think about how Luke would feel wrapped around his suddenly _achingly_ -hard cock but, unsurprisingly, he wasn't doing a particularly good job of it.

"Add another," Luke rasped, his pupils blown until the ocean-blue was almost hidden from sight. Ashton eased his index finger out and applied more lube, and Luke was whimpering at the loss, even as Ashton carefully pressed another finger in alongside the first.

The blond boy's breath hitched but he accommodated it a lot quicker this time, whimpering so beautifully as Ashton stroked his fingers inside of him, slowly opening him up.

"You're so fucking beautiful, baby," Ashton murmured, settling down over the blond boy as he continued to stretch Luke slowly, while being careful to keep his weight off the younger boy's bad leg. Luke preened at the words, even as he let out a _worryingly_ high-pitched whine when Ashton brushed _something_ inside him, and Ashton tilted his head to the side so that his curls tumbled down his forehead to hide his face.

"You like being called beautiful, huh, Lukey?" he asked softly, a little embarrassed but mostly just intrigued, and the little sounds escaping Luke made it worth it. "Or did you prefer 'baby'?"

" _Another_ ," Luke mumbled, his cheeks flaming as he bit his lip, releasing little panting gasps into the air. His eyes were still locked on Ashton's face though, drinking the words in.

"Sweetheart?" Ashton suggested as he applied more lube and so, _so_ carefully pressed a third finger in too. Luke's face creased but he took it, his eyes never leaving Ashton's as the older boy pressed his fingers all the way in, hitting Luke's prostrate dead-on.

"Honey? Babe?" Ashton hesitated and felt a tiny smirk grace his lips, even as his heart raced in his chest at Luke's reaction. " _Princess_?"

Luke moaned, throwing his head back and exposing his throat as his fingernails bit into Ashton's shoulder. The older boy suppressed a groan as the tip of his cock rubbed against Luke's leg but he still leant down to press a kiss to Luke's collarbone and, when the younger boy whined even more, he sucked a bruise into it.

Luke's hips rocked up and Ashton's fingers pressed against his prostate again, and the older boy felt heat rush through him again when Luke gasped out: " _Daddy_. Daddy, I'm ready."

"That's so fucking hot, princess," Ashton ground out, dropping his hand to jerk himself a few times, _hard_ , and he'd honestly never felt less like the nervous, clumsy, _empty_ boy in his _life_.

" _Please_ , daddy," Luke sobbed out and Ashton looked at him carefully, his thumbs rubbing comforting circles in the soft skin of Luke's hips as he gazed at him. The pain in the younger boy's eyes was muted now, barely there, and Ashton nodded, trying to calm himself.

"Okay," he breathed out, kissing his lips softly and raising a hand to stroke Luke's flattened blond hair before he dropped it back down to Luke's thigh again, gently spreading him. "You sure?"

"Very," Luke breathed, his cheeks as red as his kiss-bitten lips, his cock resting heavy and leaking against his pale stomach. "Love you, Ash."

"Love you too, Luke," Ashton murmured, holding his piercing gaze steadily for several seconds before he poured more lube onto his palm and slicked himself up.

"I'm gonna take care of you," he repeated, his voice thicker now, with both lust and a hint of sadness, and Luke bit his lip, the hint of nervousness on his face drowned out by _want_.

"Hold onto me, princess," the curly-haired boy whispered and, when Luke clung to him, wrapping his arms tightly around the older boy's neck, Ashton lined himself up and sank in until the head was engulfed in heat.

" _Oh_ ," Luke gasped out, his eyes pained again, only it was a _different_ sort of pain this time because his eyes burnt _brighter_ instead, and he looked alive.

"Don't stop," Luke pleaded when Ashton hesitated at the pain he could see. "More. _Please_ , daddy, more."

When the older boy rocked all the way into Luke for the first time and the blond boy gasped out his name like a prayer, Ashton realised that maybe leaving Luke _wouldn't_ be so easy after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this okay? Oh god I'm so anxious you have no idea...  
> Also, on a more serious note, I've literally started my new job today and it's INSANELY busy but I'll try to write some every evening and hopefully I'll have a new update for you guys in the next couple of days. I'm really sorry though, like I WILL keep updating but it's gonna take a little longer from now on.  
> Sorry... <3


	74. Somewhere Faraway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _It made Ashton sad to see his friends like that but, then again, he supposed they couldn't really enjoy seeing him and Luke gazing at each other desolately over three metres of space that felt about a thousand miles wide either._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, sorry it's so bad. Just sorry I guess.

**_I open my eyes._ **

**_All I see is you,_ **

**_And your beautiful smile,_ **

**_And your baby blues._ **

_\- Too Young To Love, Boy Epic_

 

The atmosphere in the garage was undeniably different over the next few months.

There was a permanent air of _something_ between Ashton and Luke - a hollow sort of _knowing_ that came from sharing something intimate, only to leave it behind against their wishes - and there was a certain charge in the air between Michael and Calum too.

Ashton wondered what had changed between them.

He saw them share more casual touches, in ways that he hadn't seen in _months_ , but there was still a certain rigidity in their movements, like they wanted to do _so_ much more than they were allowing themselves.

It made Ashton sad to see his friends like that but, then again, he supposed they couldn't really enjoy seeing him and Luke gazing at each other desolately over three metres of space that felt about a thousand miles wide either.

He wished things were different. _Easier_.

"From the top again?" Luke checked and the surprisingly easy smile that Michael shot Luke made Ashton relax a little.

Maybe _some_ things would be better after all.

"Sure," Michael smirked, playing a quick riff just because he could. "What do you think, Cal?" he asked and Calum nodded jerkily, looking a bit shocked, like his thoughts had been somewhere faraway.

Ashton felt the little bit of hope blooming within him wither away and die.

Calum was still hurting -

"Okay, on four then!" Michael called, cutting through the older boy's thoughts, and Ashton started, shaking himself before he focused on his drums. There wasn't time to think about that now. "One! Two! _One, two, three, four_!"

Ashton beat out the familiar rhythm as the combined sound of Luke and Michael's guitars echoed around the garage, and all of it was underlined with the deep, darker-sounding chords of Calum's bass.

" _I don't know where you're going, but do you got room for one more troubled soul?_ " Luke sang, his hands firmly on the strings of his guitar but his eyes _locked_ on Ashton. " _I don't know where I'm going, but I don't think I'm coming home and I said, I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead. This is the road to ruin, and we're starting at the end._ "

Ashton swallowed as he processed the lyrics. They seemed to hit a little too close to home sometimes.

" _Say yeah - yeah! Let's be alone together - yeah!_ " Michael joined in with Luke, his voice still just as rough as it always was, but he looked more relaxed as he bounced around to the music, _kittenish_ almost in his excitement. The red dye in his hair was fading. It was growing out.

" _We could stay young forever - yeah! Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs. Say yeah - yeah! Let's be alone together - yeah! We could stay young forever - yeah! We'll stay young, young, young, young, young._ "

Ashton sung the " _uh oh_ " part while he beat out a rhythm but, when his hazel eyes happened to flicker up, he saw Luke staring at him again, the ocean-blue almost - **shit** \- _turned on_ \- and even though his teachers still thought it, Ashton _wasn't_ an idiot, and he knew he'd never be able to stay away from Luke. At least _not_ without a distraction...

The blond boy dragged his gaze away from Ashton with apparent difficulty, looking wrong-footed and uncertain, and the older boy tried to tell himself that he didn't care, that it was _better_ if things were awkward between them now, even though every part of him was screaming that he **loved** Luke and, somehow, against _all_ the odds, Luke loved him _back_.

If he ignored that and _just_ focused on the awkwardness, he wouldn't hurt Luke. That was _more_ than worth his feelings.

" _You cut me off, I lost my track_ ," Calum began, and his voice was softer every day, and it _scared_ Ashton. Calum's eyes shone as he sang and the sudden lump in Ashton's throat kind of hurt to swallow around. " _It's not my fault, I'm a maniac. It's not funny anymore, no it's not._ "

Ashton thought Calum kind of had a point.


	75. Skin And Bone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _There was an almost unnoticeable part of Michael that was very, very sad when he looked away from Calum, like his heart was aching despite everything, and it hurt the older boy to see. Ashton could see that Michael was breaking._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angsty angsty angst.  
> Sorry.

_**You open your eyes,** _

_**But you can't remember what for.** _

_**The snow falls quietly,** _

_**You just can't feel it no more.** _

_**Somewhere out there,** _

_**You lost yourself in your pain.** _

_\- Don't Jump, Tokio Hotel_

 

Ashton hadn't stayed over at Michael's for the night at the same time as Calum for what felt like a _long_ time and he felt sad that there was such an obvious feeling of _unease_ clouding the air, like an impenetrable fog, hiding Ashton's two oldest best friends from view. He wondered when the last time he'd seen them _properly_ was.

"You want another beer?" Michael asked, waving one in the other boys' vague direction.

The three of them were lying sprawled among a pile of duvets stretched across Michael's bedroom floor, and the two younger boys were already well on their way to drunk.

Ashton was drinking more slowly, partly because he was meeting Luke early the next morning so that they could go for breakfast - and it was just as _friends_ , damnit - before the older boy had some football thing Calum had signed the entire team up to, but he was _also_ thinking of his mother... and _worrying_ as the alcohol ran down his throat.

"None for me, thanks, Mike," Ashton said and, although his tone was a little twisted as he set his half-empty beer bottle down with a slight grimace, Michael and Calum were too drunk to notice.

It worried Ashton, actually, because while Michael was talking more loudly and making more stupid jokes before laughing uproariously into the otherwise-empty house, and basically just being _tipsy_ , Calum was really, _really_ drunk. He was dizzy and giggling helplessly at something stupid the red-haired boy had said and, although it was the first time Ashton had seen the football captain laugh _properly_ in maybe half a year, it did nothing to ease the dread in Ashton's gut.

Ashton thought maybe the red-haired boy was feeling the same bone-deep ache when he saw Calum laughing, his eyes still empty, his thin hands closed around an empty beer bottle. He was like a cartoon almost, thin in the extreme with a cloud of black fluffy hair and wide dark eyes slowly sinking in his pale face, but his laugh was louder than life, and it _still_ seemed fake, or forced at the very least, and it made Ashton (and Michael by the look of things) feel _sick_.

There was an almost unnoticeable part of Michael that was very, _very_ sad when he looked away from Calum, like his heart was aching despite everything, and it hurt the older boy to see.

Ashton could see that Michael was breaking.

The red-haired boy was trying so hard to be strong, brittle, unmovable, but Ashton could see him slipping - Michael was like glass, tough at first but easy to shatter and crunch and _crumble_ once that first crack had been made.

Michael was cracking now. Ashton could _see_ it.

There was a film playing on the television and the sudden crackle of static was what tore Ashton from his thoughts. Neither of the other two seemed to have realised, and honestly, Ashton was fairly certain that Calum - in his worryingly inebriated state - had actually forgotten he was _there_ which, okay, totally _sucked_ but it was hardly like the older boy wasn't _used_ to it.

"Do you still love me, Mikey?"

The question came out of nowhere and Ashton saw Michael _freeze_ as his dazed brain slowly processed what Calum had said. Ashton reached over with shaky hands and took the empty bottle from Calum carefully, all the while cursing himself that the younger boy had been allowed to get so _drunk_ , but Calum didn't look up. His dark eyes were locked on Michael's.

" _Cal_?" Michael half-squeaked, rubbing his pink cast anxiously as he had become so prone to doing over the last few weeks. He would be getting the cast cut off soon. Ashton wondered what it would look like underneath.

"Calum, _stop_ it," Michael suddenly said sharply and Ashton looked up, only to be met with Michael's panic-stricken emerald eyes.

"Cal, what are you -?" Michael began weakly but his voice trailed away when Calum crawled slowly over the mountain of blankets towards him. "You're _drunk_ ," Michael said imploringly, _pleadingly_. "You don't know what you're doing."

Ashton sat frozen, wondering if he should do something but also... unwilling... because he hadn't seen Calum so _intent_ on something in... what felt like forever. Calum ignored Michael's words, now so close to the red-haired boy that Michael didn't even seem to be _breathing_ anymore.

" _ **Girls**_ ," Calum whispered before he pressed a kiss to Michael's full lips fleetingly. The older boy made a strangled noise as his eyes fluttered shut and Ashton stared in shock. Calum drew back slowly, his own eyes still shut. "I like _girls_."

Ashton felt faintly sick as he watched Calum shudder, wrapping his arms tightly around himself as he shuffled awkwardly away. Michael looked shell-shocked as he sat there, his lips still slightly parted, his eyes too-bright with tears.

" _Ash_ ," Calum suddenly gasped out, abruptly distressed, like he realised how much he'd just hurt Michael. " _Ashton_." Calum was speaking in an unusually high-pitched voice as he stared at the oldest boy, his eyes _too_ wide now.

"I wanna go home," Calum sobbed out, panicking badly, and his tiny hands knotting into his feathery black hair and _tearing_ at it looked too delicate for such a violent act. "Take me home."

Ashton shared a shocked look with Michael but he had to break it quickly because the confusion and self-doubt he could see reflected in Michael's gaze was _nothing_ compared to the pain hidden there.

"Okay, Cal," Ashton stammered after a long moment. "I'll take you home now. Just let me find my trainers." The curly-haired boy hesitated in the doorway, holding his hand out, and Calum uncurled his fist from his hair like a little flower and grasped the older boy's hand tightly. "Let's go now. C'mon."

Ashton purposefully pushed Calum gently out of the door ahead of him before he turned back to look at the red-haired boy. Michael's eyes were pressed tightly shut and he was opening another beer bottle blindly as he seemingly bit down on the inside of his mouth to stay silent. Ashton felt a pang in his chest when he saw Michael's fingers flicker up to touch his lips lightly, when he thought the other two had gone.

With a soft sigh that made the red-haired boy stiffen, Ashton led Calum downstairs carefully, put his shoes and coat on for him, and hefted the younger boy's bag up onto his shoulder for him.

"Won't be long, Mikey!" Ashton called up the stairs but he wasn't surprised when he received no answer. "Now, c'mon," he said to Calum in a much softer voice, taking the dark-haired boy's hand again and leading him out into the night.

The younger boy remained silent but his hand slipped from Ashton's as they walked down Michael's front drive.

"What the hell _was_ that?" Ashton asked, a _tiny_ bit coldly, as he walked beside Calum down the road, heading for his house on the corner. If it had been _Michael_ , Ashton was pretty certain he would have had him held up against a wall by now, and he'd _definitely_ be shouting. Ashton didn't do that now though. He didn't think Calum could _handle_ it.

"He kissed me," Calum murmured suddenly and Ashton couldn't _quite_ resist staring at Calum like he'd gone mad.

"Uh... _No_ , Cal. _You_ kissed _him_ ," Ashton said as his steps slowed until they were standing on the pavement in silence as the sky darkened to black.

"No, I don't mean then," Calum said dismissively, sounding a lot more sober now that he was out in the fresh air. His cheeks was whitening rapidly and Ashton wondered whether that was to do with the cold temperature or the knowledge of what he'd done. "I mean at that party. He stared at me for ages and then he _kissed_ me, and as if that wasn't _enough_ , he told me he _loved_ me straight after..."

"Calum, I... I don't know what to _say_ ," Ashton whispered regretfully but Calum wasn't listening anymore, his eyes burning with a fire that Ashton hadn't _ever_ seen in them before.

"I said we could try..." Calum faltered and Ashton reached out to grasp his arm lightly, only to discover that it was trembling. "Mike said no though. Said it wasn't _fair_ on me." Calum stared at Ashton with large, wide doe eyes, and Ashton gave his arm a gentle squeeze. His stomach twisted itself into knots because Calum was _skin and bone_ , nothing more... nothing but a vibrant, _beautiful_ soul that was burning itself away into nothing.

"I didn't know it at the time but now I can see it... and I don't know how to tell him that nothing has ever _been_ fairer." Calum stopped talking and Ashton wondered what his words meant. He didn't get a chance to ask though because Calum's eyes clouded over and he swayed on his feet.

With a heavy heart, Ashton slipped his arm gently around the football captain's waist as he led him the last few metres down the road towards his house.

"I didn't want to like Mikey," Calum whispered as a tear slipped down his cheek. Ashton brushed it away with his thumb in the darkness but more followed, the silent sort that kept falling, no matter _how_ hard you tried to force them to stop. "I _still_ don't."

"Will you be okay, Cal?" Ashton asked in a choked-up voice. The younger boy abruptly smiled, his sunny expression almost _scary_ to look at when his eyes were still so empty. _Dead_.

"I always am, Ashy," Calum said and he laughed as he fished around in his pocket for his keys, getting the front door open with only mild difficulty. "I _always_ am."

Calum gave Ashton a long look, up and down. It was the sort of look that would have been uncomfortable coming from anyone else but it was just _strange_ from Calum.

"You're so tiny," Calum mumbled, his dark eyes locked on Ashton's tummy, and he seemed to be talking to _himself_. He swayed again, clinging to the doorframe to keep himself upright, and Ashton stared at Calum, confusion blooming in his hazel eyes. "How are you _still_ so tiny? _I'm_ not..."

"Cal?" Ashton asked fearfully but the younger boy simply gave him another unconvincing smile, even as another tear trickled down his cheek.

The door clicked shut and Ashton waited until he heard the sound of the key being turned in the lock before he slowly walked back towards Michael's house, dazed and worried but, more than anything else, _confused_. He didn't know what he'd just witnessed.

The red-haired boy was hovering in the doorway when Ashton got back, shivering on the doorstep in his pyjamas with his arms wrapped around himself.

"He say anything to you?" Michael asked and there was a faint hint of hope in his eyes that fizzled out when Ashton spoke next, like a sparkler burning itself away.

"He -" Ashton's mind was racing with worries and fears and concerns but there was nothing _solid_. "Nothing really," Ashton answered eventually, giving an uncomfortable shrug. "Sorry, Mike."

' _Sorry I'm lying to protect your feelings. Sorry I'm such an awful friend. Sorry sorry **sorry**_.'

"Oh," Michael mumbled and he couldn't _quite_ hide the disappointment in his eyes as he gave Ashton a long look, like he didn't really believe him. "Okay then... Let's just go to bed."

Ashton's shoulders slumped as they walked inside and Michael looked like his worst fears has been confirmed.

" _Please_ will you tell me what he said, Ash?" Michael asked in such a small voice that the older boy _couldn't_ disagree without feeling terrible.

"Okay," Ashton promised heavily. "But it's going to hurt."

"That's alright," Michael said shakily, shutting the door behind them and giving Ashton's hand a squeeze as he led the older boy up the stairs. "Where Calum's concerned, it always does."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think please :)


	76. The Same Vein

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"I didn't think my life was ever gonna be like this," Luke whispered, his eyes still shining with tears as he rested his forehead gently on Ashton's shoulder. The old boy felt a lump rise in his throat as he carded his fingers gently through Luke's soft hair._  
>  _"Nobody ever does," he murmured._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long - hope you guys like it though :)

_**Let's say we up and left this town,** _

_**And turned our future upside down.** _

_**We'll make pretend that you and me,** _

_**Lived ever after happily.** _

_\- House Of Gold, Twenty One Pilots_

 

Ashton continued to wish that he wasn't in love with Luke and yet, at the same time, it was impossible _not_ to be.

Ashton still wanted to hate Luke - because he was rich and posh and he had a fucking _girlfriend_ even though he was now with _Ashton_ \- which was confusing but... but the older boy just _couldn't_ hate him.

He couldn't because Luke was like this nine foot tall, gentle giant with the sweetest nature _ever_ when he wasn't being a dick, and he told shit jokes and pouted when things didn't go his way (which seemed to be often), and he knew about Ashton's cutting but he barely ever mentioned it because he just seemed to _know_ that it wouldn't help, and he played music in Ashton's garage with the older boy's two best friends every weekend and most days after school, and he _danced_ , and sometimes it was all too much for Ashton to take in, because Luke shined so fucking brightly that the sheer _beauty_ of him took Ashton's breath away sometimes.

Ashton was so gone for Luke that it _hurt_.

That was kind of how the older boy felt now.

Calum hadn't shown up which was unusual but not _unheard_ of, and Michael had only stayed just long enough to play a couple of Jet songs before he'd left too, his expression downcast and _sad_ as he let himself out. The red-haired boy looked just as morose as he had done ever since Ashton had relayed what Calum had said to him that night a few weeks ago.

Ashton and Luke were lying on an old rug now, one that Ashton had picked up from a car boot sale a few days previously, and they were stretched out on the floor in their socks with their heads cushioned beneath piles of pillows. The material of the rug was old and faded, made of bright red, yellow and green threads that were beginning to fray at the edges.

Ashton rubbed it with his thumb as he lay beside Luke quietly, comforting himself with such a simple action. He loved the rug. It smelt old and sort of musty, almost vanilla-sweet which was strange, but he liked it.

Ashton had curled up on his side as soon as the pair of them were alone again and it had seemed almost second-nature for the blond boy to settle down across from him with a gentleness in his ocean-blue eyes.

"Ash," Luke said suddenly, his voice soft, like he didn't want to break the comforting silence that had rolled over the pair. Ashton found himself reaching out to take Luke's hand before he'd even properly processed it and his heart sank a little in his chest because he really _was_ screwed.

"Yeah?" Ashton croaked, suddenly inexplicably _sad_ at the look of comfort that had crossed Luke's face from such a simple touch. The blond boy was still watching Ashton's eyes carefully and, when he saw the sadness unfurling there, he reached out and brushed the curly-haired boy's jaw lightly with his fingertips. Ashton closed his eyes.

"Why'd you move in with your grandparents?" Luke asked hesitantly and Ashton's eyes flew open. "I mean, not that I'm not _glad_ that you _did_ ," Luke said hurriedly, misinterpreting the shock he could see on Ashton's face when, in reality, the older boy was just surprised he'd never told Luke before. "But... Why?" Luke finished in a mumble, his cheeks flushing.

Ashton smiled weakly. "Stop worrying," he said and Luke snorted, as though to say ' _chance would be a fine thing_ '. The older boy's face softened but he didn't speak immediately, still thinking over his answer.

"I..." Ashton's voice trailed away and he frowned, biting his lip as he collected his thoughts. Luke freed it gently with his finger though and Ashton offered him a small, wry smile before he started to speak properly.

"We didn't grow up in the best environment, I guess you could say?" he began and, when Luke's expression quickly edged towards _appalled_ , Ashton backtracked quickly. "Not like that," he said but his expression soured a little. "My dad left when I was like two or something so... Yeah, I don't remember it, y'know?" Ashton kept his gaze carefully fixed on the rug between them and, although his lip slipped between his teeth again, the blond boy let him this time.

Luke's eyes were shining with tears but Ashton was oblivious as he continued. "Mum got rid of him and she met Warwick a few years later. He's Lauren and Harry's dad. He didn't _like_ me but he never... I don't know. He left too. Mum got depressed and... and she started drinking."

"Oh no," Luke breathed but Ashton didn't seem to hear him.

"It wasn't so bad at first. Like, sometimes mum forgot to make us dinner or pick us up from school or whatever, but I was always good at making up excuses and stuff, and she just went along with it, and Harry and Loz were too young to understand... I was always good at thinking up those excuses."

Ashton smiled faintly, his eyes faraway. He looked younger than he had in _years_ as a momentary flash of pride appeared on his face. Luke made a small, hurt sound.

"That's the only thing I _was_ ever good at, apart from looking after the little ones," Ashton mumbled suddenly and his expression fell. Luke looked on wordlessly. "If I hadn't been so bad, maybe dad would have stayed, or even _Warwick_ , y'know? And... and then maybe mum wouldn't have -"

Ashton broke off, blinking hard to clear the tears from his eyes.

"She... she _died_?" Luke whispered, his ocean-blue gaze wide and wet as he gripped the older boy's hand tightly.

Ashton gave a humourless laugh but his eyes were empty. "No," he said quietly, almost _emotionless_. "She drank so much she got alcohol poisoning and she _almost_ died, and Mikey saw and he found out about... about _everything_ and we had to go to hospital... and then they told nan and grandpa, and we've been here ever since. I haven't even _seen_ mum since, Luke, and it's been _months_ and it's all my fault for not trying harder and - and -"

Luke silenced him with a firm kiss, cupping Ashton's jaw gently with both hands as his thumbs rubbed the slight hint of stubble gently.

"You've done _nothing_ wrong, Ashton," Luke promised and there was a peculiar sort of _weight_ to his voice that the curly-haired boy had never heard before.

When Ashton blinked his tear-filled eyes open with shame on his face, he saw that Luke was wearing a sad, distracted sort of expression.

"Guess I don't have so much to complain about after all," Luke breathed and Ashton's face screwed up as he stroked Luke's cheekbone gently. It was as pale and smooth as usual now but the week before there'd been a bruise stretching across it that Luke hadn't been able to explain, lavender and painful and _sinister_.

"Everyone's problems are important to them, Luke," Ashton croaked out, cringing as a tear rolled down his cheek. " _Especially_ yours."

The pair were silent for a long time, just gazing wordlessly at each other as the sky outside slowly darkened.

When Luke's grip on the older boy's hand tightened and the blond boy leant forwards to press his lips gently to Ashton's, the curly-haired boy felt something mend inside of him.

"I didn't think my life was ever gonna be like this," Luke whispered, his eyes still shining with tears as he rested his forehead gently on Ashton's shoulder. The old boy felt a lump rise in his throat as he carded his fingers gently through Luke's soft hair.

"Nobody ever does," he murmured.

The silence that followed that statement was strained and a little bit _painful_ almost, and Ashton did his best to break it.

"How's your dancing coming along?" he asked quietly, keen to change the subject. Luke gave him a feeble smile as he drew back, sitting up cross-legged and wrapping his arms around himself. Ashton gave his knee a comforting squeeze.

"Pretty good, thank you," Luke said, biting at his thumb distractedly as he spoke. Ashton gently pulled it away and Luke looked at the older boy with a smile on his face that didn't _quite_ reach his eyes.

"They want me to be in the show, Ash," the blond boy admitted and Ashton felt a smile grace his lips, even as it withered at what Luke said next. "I don't think I'm going to do it though. I'd be too scared if..." Luke faltered, his face paling a little. "I'm too _scared_."

Ashton's jaw squared and he tugged Luke back down carefully, gently taking Luke's face in his hands and kissing his cheeks, his nose, his lips.

"I don't want you to have to be scared anymore," Ashton said roughly and Luke gave a broken sigh, clinging to the older boy as his smaller hands curled into fists in the back of Ashton's jumper.

"And I want you to be _happy_ ," Luke countered before his lips twitched into another faint smile. "I want new Doc Martens and curly fries for dinner."

Ashton let out a small laugh, relieved that the tension was finally draining away. "Well,  _I_ want new drumsticks and a blanket to match this rug," he replied and Luke offered him a wry smile.

"I want a copy of every Green Day song on vinyl," Luke said. "I want an All Time Low t-shirt and for everyone to be _okay_ again."

Although the last part made Ashton sad, he tried not to dwell on it as he continued on in the same vein.

"I just want to play music, get cool tattoos, and have a chance to see the world."

Luke's weak smile turned into a real one and he gave a firm nod that was only a _little_  bit teasing.

"Ah," he said knowledgeably, his ocean-blue eyes crinkling a little as he smiled. "You're wanderlusting."

Ashton flinched a little at that when he remembered the _last_ time he'd consciously thought of that word but he forced himself to focus on the present.

"Is that even a real word?" he asked wearily and Luke shrugged.

"I don't know," the blond boy said hesitantly, clasping both of Ashton's hands tightly in his own as they lay together on the rug in the dimly-lit garage. "But I think it should be."

"I do too," Ashton said quietly, because Luke was looking so hopeful that he couldn't _bear_ to disagree with him.

"I just..." Luke's eyes got a little bit wistful and hopeless and, when he spoke next, Ashton thought he must look the same way. "I just want to get out of here, y'know? I... I feel like everything's crumbling down and I don't want to be stuck in this dead-end place when it really _does_ all go to shit, y'know? I... I just wanna get out. _Now_. While I still can..."

Ashton didn't like the sadness he could see on Luke's face. He didn't like it one _bit_ and, in that moment, he was pretty sure he would have done _anything_ to see it fade.

"Maybe you can come with me when _I_ escape then," Ashton said and his joking tone of voice couldn't _quite_ hide the longing in his words.

Luke grinned at Ashton, his eyes twinkling, and said: "Maybe I will."

Ashton spoke without thinking. "I really hope you do," he breathed out and the sheer _love_ burning in Luke's fiery blue eyes _scared_  the smaller boy.

"It can't be for a while though," Ashton continued, his cheeks heating as he dropped Luke's hands hesitantly. The blond boy looked down, hurt. "I've got a football game next week and Calum would kill me if I missed it."

Luke gave a relieved laugh at the lack of tension that followed that statement and he gave Ashton's shoulder a hesitant squeeze, clearly cautious that maybe the older boy didn't want to be touched after he'd pulled away earlier.

Luke needn't have worried though. Ashton simply leant into the touch with a small, hurt sound that was _almost_ a sob and the blond boy cuddled him close as they curled up together with Ashton's head tucked safely beneath Luke's chin.

"Maybe our almost-band will be our ticket out of here, yeah?" Luke suggested softly and goosebumps rose on Ashton's arms at that thought as he snuggled closer to Luke, burying his face in the taller boy's chest as Luke rubbed his back in comforting circles.

"Yeah, maybe," Ashton mumbled but Luke seemed to understand. His lips were unusually warm as they brushed Ashton's forehead.

"I love you, Ash," Luke said heavily, like the words were weighing him down and frightening him. Ashton's long fingers curled gently around Luke's jaw as he leant back to press his lips softly against Luke's.

"I love you too, Lukey," Ashton admitted and Luke's hands were threading through the older boy's curls, grounding him, and Ashton was gasping into Luke's mouth as the blond boy's leg slipped between his thighs.

When Luke's tongue stroked lightly over Ashton's, his breath hot and comforting as Ashton let out a little whine, the older boy felt the warmth that came from being with Luke burning away the icy cold fear in his heart.

So maybe Ashton _wouldn't_ be able to stay away from Luke... but perhaps _that_ was okay too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> Angst and smut coming up next probably...  
> Also, side note: Ash's hair in real life at the moment is exactly how I've been picturing it in this fic...


	77. Burning Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"Let's clean you up, yeah?" Ashton suggested in a tight, strained voice, because if he didn't take charge and try to care for Luke now, he might just fall apart._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut and angst, as promised.

_**Even if I leave you now,** _

_**And it breaks my heart,** _

_**Even if I'm not around,** _

_**I won't give in,** _

_**I can't give up,** _

_**On this love.** _

_\- This Love, The Veronicas_

 

Ashton was just stepping out of the shower when he heard his nan calling his name from downstairs, her voice faint over the music he'd left playing loudly in his bedroom. The curly-haired boy immediately panicked because the pair of them were home alone and he worried that she'd hurt herself.

"Nan?" he cried, almost slipping over on the wet floor as he shrugged into a dressing gown quickly and tied it around his waist before lurching out of the door, his wet hair still plastered to his forehead. "Nan, are you okay?!"

" _I'm_ alright, Ashton," Grace said soothingly when she saw her oldest grandson running down the stairs in his bare feet with a damp towel hanging over one arm. "I didn't realise you were in the shower or I wouldn't have disturbed you. I'm sorry."

"It's more than fine," Ashton promised, leaning against the wall and drawing in a steady breath now that he knew his nan was okay. "What's wrong?"

Grace looked uncharacteristically grim when he asked that and Ashton felt his chest tighten when, instead of answering, the old woman let the front door swing open wider (and honestly, Ashton hadn't even noticed it was _open_ before, he'd been panicking so much).

When Ashton looked out onto the porch, he was quite sure his _heart_ stopped beating.

" _Luke_?!" Ashton demanded, even as the beginnings of tears welled up in his eyes. His voice cracked as the blond boy swayed, leaning heavily against the doorframe and looking more tired beneath the myriad of bruises and fresh cuts than Ashton had ever _seen_. "Luke, what _happened_?"

"He won't tell me," Grace said from behind Ashton and the older boy jumped because he'd honestly almost forgotten that she was even _there_.

"All he said was that he wanted to see you..." Ashton's nan pursed her lips, even as Ashton opened his arms and held Luke gently to his chest. "I have half a mind to call an ambulance," she said but Luke tensed up in Ashton's arms and the old woman sighed.

"I'm not just going to ignore this," she said and Ashton found himself nodding in agreement, even as Luke let out a little sob.

"Go and get him cleaned up, Ash," she murmured, her expression conflicted as Ashton stretched up on his tiptoes to rest his chin on Luke's broad, _shaking_ shoulder. "If you need any help, just shout."

"I will," Ashton promised but he waited until she'd unwillingly returned to whatever she'd previously been doing before he shut the door softly and enveloped Luke gently in his arms again.

"What happened, Lukey?" Ashton asked softly and, when Luke flinched at the nickname, Ashton had his answer. "Your brothers?" he asked but Luke didn't react. "Your dad?" Luke stiffened and let out another sob that he quickly tried to smother, and Ashton felt a tear roll down his cheek as he carefully examined the younger boy's hand, making sure there were no bruises or scratches before he carefully led Luke upstairs by it.

"He found out about the dancing," Luke breathed when they were on the stairs, his eyes red and wet as Ashton walked up beside him, keeping one arm wrapped loosely around the blond boy's waist in case he fell. "Don't like to think what he'd do if he knew about the _singing_. God, if he ever found out..."

Luke broke off with a shudder and Ashton's arm tightened in response to that, drawing a hiss from Luke, even as he clung to the older boy more tightly.

"Let's clean you up, yeah?" Ashton suggested in a tight, strained voice, because if he didn't take charge and try to care for Luke _now_ , he might just fall apart.

Ashton sat Luke down on the toilet lid carefully before he filled the sink with warm soapy water. He soaked a flannel and had briefly considered wringing it out a little to avoid soaking Luke's clothes before he decided that they were speckled with so much slowly-drying blood that there was probably no point anyway.

"Need an excuse," Luke mumbled, apparently still thinking about the fact that Ashton's nan had seen him. Ashton felt his expression twist at Luke's words because an excuse was _not_ going to solve this problem and -

Luke let out a whimper when Ashton gently wiped at a cut on the blond boy's cheekbone with what seemed to be one of Harry's flannels and the older boy's expression twisted with pain.

"I'm sorry he keeps hurting you, Luke," Ashton whispered as he moved the flannel slowly, carefully skirting around what would surely be a magnificent-coloured bruise when it was done blooming. "I'm sorry they upset you. I'm _so_ sorry. I... I just wish there was something I could do to make you feel okay again."

Ashton felt pathetic the moment the words had escaped him and he settled for cleaning the last graze on Luke's chin with the corner of the flannel. The blond boy let out a shaky sigh as he blinked back tears and Ashton thought about what Luke's mother would do when she saw what had become of her son.

He wondered if she'd do anything at _all_ , and Ashton didn't like that he wasn't sure of the answer.

"Make me feel better, Ash," Luke breathed but it came out sounding more like a sob.

"What?" Ashton mumbled, looking up at Luke through his eyelashes as he crouched down in front of him with the bloodstained flannel grasped too-tightly in his fist.

"Fuck me."

Luke's words were harsh and rough, and Ashton knew that, if he accepted, this would be _nothing_ like the times they'd been together before. The older boy knew he shouldn't. He really, _really_ did - but Ashton was weak where Luke was concerned.

 _Weak_.

Ashton tried to say no but it occurred to him that Luke was probably feeling very fragile and vulnerable right now, and that maybe he _needed_ a physical display of love.

"C'mon then," Ashton managed, rising swiftly and taking Luke's much smaller (and still _trembling_ , damnit) hand in his own as he gently pulled the taller boy across the landing and into his bedroom.

The door slammed shut behind them when Ashton kicked blindly at it, moaning into Luke's mouth when the blond boy _literally_ wrapped himself around him and pressed their hips together.

In the end, they only made it as far as the stretch of carpet beside Ashton's bed. All Time Low was still playing loudly on the older boy's iPod as their clothes tumbled to the floor and, although Luke's pupils were blown with lust, there was still a hint of pain in his eyes.

Ashton moved carefully because of that.

He tore apart Luke's carefully constructed self-control slowly, with lube-wet fingers and his tongue, and the blond boy fell apart so beautifully underneath him, actually letting out what could _almost_ be described as a shout when Ashton pushed in slowly.

Dimly, the older boy was glad that he had left the music playing so loudly when Luke let out a hoarse cry of: " _Daddy_!" as Ashton hit his prostate.

Luke's kisses became messy and Ashton wasn't much better as he slowly succumbed to the pleasure building inside him.

It quickly proved not to be enough for Luke though and, before Ashton knew what was happening, the taller boy had pushed him away and rolled, somehow managing to end up on _top_.

He slid back into place swiftly, hissing a little, and Ashton almost swallowed his tongue as he peered up at Luke through the shadows, only to groan and bite down hard on his lip when he saw the pleasure twisting the blond boy's bruised face.

Luke's skin was like ice, everywhere he touched leaving a trail of bleeding water behind, frozen as it trickled through Ashton's burning skin and settled deep into his bones.

Despite the ice though, Ashton was _melting_ beneath Luke's cold touch, spreading out beneath him like a puddle on the floor of his bedroom as the blond boy rolled his hips, sliding down and taking all of Ashton in again and again, until the pleasure was too much. _Unbearable_ , almost, but in the best possible way.

" _Oh my god_ ," Ashton whimpered, his hands scrabbling uselessly at Luke as he fought for something to hold onto, before finally settling on the blond boy's biceps since they had seemed relatively unharmed earlier. "Oh god, Luke. Oh my _god_ , I'm -"

Ashton threw his head back as he climaxed and it hit the floor hard, hurting enough that he was pretty sure he was going to have a headache later on, even as his hips jerked uselessly as he came, grinding deep inside the blond boy.

Luke's cold fingertips fluttered across the curly-haired boy's cheekbones as Ashton fought to catch his breath, _numbing_ him, and it was only when Luke clenched down around Ashton as the older boy gave Luke's cock several quick jerks - causing the younger boy to fall apart too - that Ashton remembered he had promised himself that they wouldn't do this again, to keep Luke **safe**.

The friction burns on Ashton's back from lying on the carpet were a constant reminder during the next few days of how he had failed Luke.

 _Again_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long - I messed my hand up pretty bad so typing kinda hurts...  
> Please let me know what you thought <3  
> Also you can follow my weheartit if you like - the username is @merlypops and I've got a maelstrom collection on there <3  
> By the way, in case anyone was wondering, this is kinda how I pictured Luke and Ash in this fic: https://weheartit.com/entry/151138384/via/29189579


	78. Not Even Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _It was stupid - ridiculous really - but for a moment, looking up at Luke, Ashton was almost... scared._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was such a long time coming but my hand is still really sore and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to write...

_**Living a life of misery,** _

_**Always there, just underneath,** _

_**Haunting me, quietly alone,** _

_**It’s killing me, killing me.** _

_\- Goodbye Agony, Black Veil Brides_

 

Luke and Ashton met at the pier again.

They'd had a frantically busy two days, what with approaching exams and Calum's harsh football training sessions and, with the upcoming dance show, Luke had been returning home a _lot_ later than Ashton so they'd barely seen each other.

In the end, the pair had decided to meet at their old place after Ashton's shift at the garage. The older boy had shown up with his curly hair plastered to his sweaty forehead and his white vest splattered with engine oil, and Luke's eyes had gone a bit dark as he'd pulled Ashton in for a _far_ too passionate kiss when it was taken into account that the pair of them were out in public, albeit an ancient, dismal-looking pier on the outskirts of town.

"Hi," Ashton said, a bit breathlessly, as Luke pulled back a little, letting the tip of his nose brush against Ashton's.

"Hey," Luke said sheepishly, smiling widely at Ashton and trying to hide his wince when the action caused his apparently-sore lip to split open and start bleeding anew.

Ashton felt his face harden.

"That's new," he said through gritted teeth, his voice rough. "Why did that happen?"

"More of the same," Luke said with a shrug that was clearly meant to indicate that he wasn't at all bothered by what they were discussing.

It didn't work though. All that happened was that the blond boy looked achy and old and, more than anything, _tired_.

"What? The dancing?"

Luke shrugged again, sitting down gracefully on the slowly-rotting wood as the waves crashed against the beach below them. Ashton stood there looking down at him and he felt goosebumps break out on the exposed skin of his arms when he saw how _small_ Luke looked, like he needed looking after.

"My dance teacher rang home," Luke murmured and his pale face twisted as he frowned, biting down on his lip-ring. Ashton sat down less elegantly beside him and the blond boy smiled weakly, although the expression quickly faded. "She got my dad on the phone."

"What happened?" Ashton whispered and his heart felt cold in his chest.

When Luke's fingers curled hesitantly around the older boy's, they felt icy.

"She rang to say how _well_ I've been doing," Luke said after a long moment and his words were twisted with bitterness. "I heard him answer the call. He went all still but he... he still sounded fucking _pleasant_ when he told her how fucking  _proud_ they all were of me. His _eyes_ though, Ash. His fucking _eyes_...." Luke's voice trailed away and the blood collecting on the blond boy's bottom lip dripped down his chin in a splash of dark crimson, standing out starkly against his ashen skin.

"What happened when he got off the phone?" Ashton breathed, his hand tightening around Luke's as his heart pounded in his chest. The younger boy grimaced, seeming to slump in on himself as he sat curled up beneath the dark night sky.

Instead of answering, the blond boy twitched his jumper up so Ashton got a glimpse of dark bruising that looked almost reddish-black in the half-light. Ashton felt his stomach turn because those bruises had to have come from being _kicked_ and the human body could only withstand _so_ much before it gave up... and _that_ only managed to remind Ashton of _Calum_.

"We need to tell someone," the curly-haired boy blurted, his thoughts a painful mixture of Luke's agonised eyes and Calum's raw pain and the hopeless look he'd seen on Michael's face after the football captain had kissed him. "We need to tell someone _now_."

" _No_." Luke spoke bluntly, _harshly_ almost, but Ashton could see the terror and what might even have been _hope_ flickering to life behind the ocean-blue.

"My nan and grandpa are already asking which must mean nan's told _him_... and I believe her when she said she won't ignore this, Luke. If she gets even a _hint_ that you're not one hundred percent okay, I wouldn't be surprised if she got _Jane_ on the phone or something and -"

" _No_!" Luke stammered, his small, cold hands fisting Ashton's vest tightly. "She can't! Then I wouldn't be able to see mum or Molly and -" Luke suddenly went very pale and still, and Ashton felt himself stop breathing. "And then I wouldn't be able to see _you_ , Ashton. Not if they took me away."

Ashton hated the sinking feeling in his chest as that realisation hit home.

It was relatively easy to ignore the slightly triumphant look on the younger boy's face because Ashton's eyes were blurring with tears, but he'd already been thinking similar things for weeks and he _knew_ Luke's well-being was more important than his own feelings.

"We still need to tell someone," Ashton whispered, _hating_ himself, and he saw the moment when Luke gave up. The light in his eyes went out and he slumped, like all of the air had left him.

"Lukey -" Ashton said weakly but the blond boy didn't seem to hear him.

The taller boy rose swiftly, his movements shaky now, and he _towered_ over Ashton as he stood there waiting, _frozen_ almost, as the cold wind whipped around him.

It was stupid - _ridiculous_ really - but for a moment, looking up at Luke, Ashton was almost... _scared._

It was like seeing a wild animal almost, restless as it stalked backwards and forwards before _freezing_ , utterly immobile as it sensed danger and prepared to run, never to return.

Ashton wanted Luke safe but he didn't want him to _run_.

Maybe that was why Ashton gripped Luke's hand when he too stood up. Maybe that was why Luke let him.

The long walk home was silent and tense after that.

The wind began to pick up as the sky darkened and Ashton shivered in his vest, running his free hand through his damp curls as the moon shone down eerily through the cloud bank.

Luke's hand tightened around Ashton's but neither boy commented.

A single car passed them on the long winding road that led back towards town and the silence between the pair grew, stretching further and further like an elastic band, so taut that Ashton was almost cringing as he waited for the moment when it would suddenly snap back.

In the end, the silence almost broke _itself_.

As they finally entered the town, sticking to the well-lit parts of the town centre as they walked, they heard the low chink of broken glass and drunken mumbling coming from somewhere nearby.

"Be careful," Ashton muttered, wrapping his arm around Luke's waist protectively as he drew the younger boy gently behind him, his expression wary. Luke's cold fingers tightened around Ashton's muscular arm when a figure stumbled out of a nearby alleyway and Ashton sagged when his hazel eyes settled on the drunken figure.

" _Mum_?" Ashton croaked but Anne didn't look up as she dropped down to her knees suddenly, scrabbling through the dirt. Luke had stilled beside Ashton when he realised who it was but the older boy barely noticed him as he approached warily, his hands trembling.

"Ash -" Luke stammered from behind but the older boy ignored him, crouching down a few feet away from Anne.

"Mum?" he repeated, trying again. She looked up jerkily, her eyes clouded and unfocused.

When her gaze settled on Ashton, there _was_ recognition there but there was something _off_ about it as hatred coloured her face.

" _You_ ," she hissed and suddenly her nails were clawing at his face and, stunned, Ashton simply let her push him down onto the concrete. His head hit it hard and stars exploded before his eyes, and then Luke was pulling her away with a frightened but determined look on his face, and Ashton could feel his heart tearing itself into pieces.

"He hurt my baby," Anne whispered to Luke as she glared at her oldest son who was still lying on the floor. She was clinging to the blond boy and he looked faintly nauseous as he held her up carefully. Anne pointed a shaking finger at Ashton. "He hurt my baby Ash. I _hate_ him."

Ashton felt his blood run cold.

' _She thinks I'm **dad**.'_

"No," Luke breathed, and Ashton closed his eyes as something dark wrapped itself around his heart and _squeezed_. The knot in his chest returned like never before and the sheer _force_ of it took Ashton's breath away. "No, you've got it wrong. That's not -"

"Luke, don't," Ashton said softly, _brokenly_ , and his heart thundered in his chest, in perfect time to the throbbing of the cuts on his face. They hurt - they _burned_ almost - but they were nowhere _near_ enough.

Not even _close_.

"Let her go," Ashton mumbled when Anne started to struggle, and it was with a heavy heart that the older boy watched as Luke stepped back hesitantly, and Anne scrabbled to her feet and staggered away, but not before spitting in Ashton's general direction, like even the _thought_ of the boy she no longer seemed to recognise disgusted her.

The irony of the situation was almost _overwhelming_.

Ashton wiped his cheek hard with the back of his hand but it stayed damp as tears boiled over and streamed down his face.

"Ash," Luke breathed, his face pale and his hands shaking as he gently took Ashton's hand, helping him to his feet.

The night seemed to press in closer and Ashton's head spun. Although he longed to keep holding Luke's hand, he didn't deserve the comfort.

Hell, he didn't deserve _Luke_.

"Stop. _Please_." Ashton's voice shook and Luke withdrew his hand slowly, tucking them both away in the sleeves of his jacket like it physically _pained_ him to separate himself from Ashton when the older boy clearly needed him so much.

"You okay, Ash?" Luke whispered, although it must have been more than clear that the smaller boy _wasn't_.

"Yeah," Ashton whispered, even though he felt like he was crumbling. "Yeah, I'm fine."

They walked home in silence, an awkward two feet of space retained carefully between them, and the crimson liquid dripping from Luke's lip mirrored the blood on Ashton's face.

The older boy walked Luke to his door like he always did but the distance between them remained, forced and strained.

"Goodnight," Luke whispered but Ashton was already drifting back down the driveway, closing his eyes for a moment as his nails bit into the exposed skin on his wrists. It was dark and Ashton had heard Luke's front door close, and maybe _that_ was why Ashton let the mask he'd been wearing for the last couple of _months_ finally slip from his face.

He couldn't have Luke anymore. Calum was slipping through his fingers. Michael was falling apart, no matter _how_ much he tried to hide it.

Ashton was too tired to hide the hopelessness he was feeling now. He couldn't fight it.

It was swelling up inside him until the pain of it was all that he could _feel_ anymore, until not even his love for _Luke_ could burn through the self-hatred he was suffocating in.

Ashton let himself in through the back door and crept upstairs, careful to avoid the creaking step at the top as he slunk down the landing and into his bedroom.

He was still wearing his dirty clothes from the garage and his hair was sticking to the dried blood now, as well as the sweat, but he couldn't quite find it in himself to _care_ anymore.

The knot in his chest was _crippling_ him and it was on unsteady legs that Ashton crossed the room, staggering to a stop with his palms flat on the desk like a drunk... like his _mother_.

Ashton's phone vibrated in his pocket and he looked down at the message wordlessly, feeling his heart clench in his chest.

**[From LUKE] Received at 22:17**

**Please don't, Ash. I love you xxxxx**

Ashton turned his phone off and began to search for his razor blade.

When he made the first cut, a wave of numbness rolled over him and the screaming in his head faded to a dull roar.

Blood dripped down his arms and the tears burnt his cheeks, and Ashton _hated_ himself in that moment, for being so weak, for thinking that anything could ever change, for thinking that he could take care of _Luke_ and his friends and the little ones and his own _mother._

For everything.

The next cut was deeper and Ashton smiled faintly as he let his eyes slide shut.

' _I love you too, Luke_.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if this is okay <3  
> I kind of hate the ending... Sorry...


	79. No Avail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He could feel his thoughts whipping around his head and howling like a hurricane, constantly battering at what remained of the defences he had built that Luke had started to tear down the very moment they'd met on the pier all that time ago. It felt like forever, and less than a second, and Ashton couldn't wrap his screaming thoughts around it._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not very happy with this update and I'm sorry it took so long. Things will happen soon, I promise <3

_**And I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts,** _

_**The colour of my blood is all I see on the rocks.** _

_\- My Blood, Ellie Goulding_

 

Somehow, Ashton carried on.

Every morning when he woke up and realised he hadn't mysteriously _died_ in the night, his head hurt. The very moment he saw the sympathetic, worried looks shot at him by his family, the knot in his chest tightened. When, despite their own problems, his two best friends - and there weren't three of them, there had _never_ been three - tried to get him to open up and make him feel better, Ashton's heart ached.

On the morning of the football match Calum had spent _months_ preparing them for, Ashton saw Luke on his way out of the house. The blond boy was following his mother to the car, his hair limp against his forehead, his eyes red. He was limping.

Ashton's eyes burnt.

He could feel his thoughts whipping around his head and howling like a hurricane, constantly battering at what remained of the defences he had built that Luke had started to tear down the very moment they'd met on the pier all that time ago. It felt like forever, and less than a second, and Ashton couldn't wrap his screaming thoughts around it.

He was still crumbling inside when the football team followed their unusually grey-faced captain into the changing room.

Calum's speech lacked its usual enthusiasm and, even in the state Ashton was in, he still noticed as his hazel eyes crept fearfully over the younger boy. Calum's dark eyes were tormented, stormy almost as tears welled like lightning in his eyes.

He was swamped in sweatpants and the sweatshirts that were usually just worn when the weather was cold. Ashton was wearing his today too, but that was only because he needed to hide his arms. The knowledge that maybe Calum was doing the same thing made Ashton's stomach flip as he plunged a little deeper into despair.

He just wanted the match to be over already, so he could comfort Calum, and confront him, and try to forget his _own_ pain for a few precious minutes.

"Alright, team," Calum said in a dull voice, his tone ringing with finality as the last players laced up their football boots. "Just try your hardest. See you on the other side."

Calum said those words before every match but he sounded different this time, like his heart wasn't in it. Calum's movements were just as weary as Ashton's were when the younger boy led his team out onto the field, and Ashton didn't miss the way Calum carefully avoided Michael's serious gaze from the stands.

The game was going terribly.

Ashton didn't think they'd ever played so badly before and yet he couldn't say he was surprised. Every time he'd looked out from the goals, he'd seen Calum's expression growing increasingly distracted and distressed as he fumbled easy passes and missed empty spaces, but none of the rest of the team could say anything though. They hadn't made a single goal.

Even from across the field, Ashton could see Calum looking towards Michael before quickly turning away again, and getting more upset every single time, and their captain's distraction was reflected in their score.

In the end, the only reason they weren't _completely_ annihilated was thanks to Ashton's goalkeeping skills, even _despite_ his own depression clouding his mind like a fog.

They still lost six-nil though, and Ashton could see the nausea and what could only be described as self-loathing on Calum's face as he shook hands with the captain of the winning team who actually - if Ashton was correctly interpreting the stranger's facial expression - hadn't been expecting to win at all.

When the referee blew the whistle and the teams started back towards their changing rooms - some cheering while others moped along quietly behind - Ashton lost sight of Calum in the crowd of people streaming down from the stands to greet their teams.

Ashton couldn't see Michael either but, quite honestly, the knot in his chest was almost crushing him at this point and he wasn't sure trying to actually _talk_ to someone was the best plan, at least until he'd had a chance to get cleaned up and gather his thoughts a little.

A gloomy silence had settled over the changing room quickly but Ashton's breathing was harsh and fast as his hazel eyes flickered around the room.

Ashton couldn't see Calum anywhere and it made him feel  _sick_ with worry.

In the end, the older boy went without a shower. It was the last period of the day and he got to go straight home after this so it didn't really matter.

Ashton balled his muddy kit up and pushed it into his drawstring bag before he swung it over his shoulder, heading for the exit.

Michael was waiting outside, his pale face drawn with worry and his crimson hair windswept from sitting out in the stands.

Ashton must have looked as embarrassed and defeated as he felt because Michael wrapped his arms around him immediately, pulling him in for a tight hug, and although Ashton appreciated it, he wriggled out of it quickly.

He was sweaty and gross, and Ashton didn't deserve to be near someone as lovely as Michael at _all_ , let alone like this.

Michael had confusion and a little bit of hurt written all over his face but, to change the subject, he asked how long the youngest boy would be. Ashton's forehead creased and he hurried back to check in the changing rooms for the football captain.

It was to no avail though.

Calum was nowhere to be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is okay.  
> Thank you for sticking around <3


	80. Holding Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"It doesn't matter. It's okay," Michael promised, letting out a slightly breathless laugh when Ashton squeezed him tightly around the waist. The older boy only burrowed in closer, slipping his cold hands inside the warmth of Michael's jumper like they'd done as little kids and smiling weakly when Michael giggled, batting him away._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, please let me know what you think :)

_**Even when we try to say goodbye,** _

_**And you can cut the tension with a knife in here,** _

_**'Cause I know what’ll happen,** _

_**If we get through this.** _

_\- Gotta Get Out, 5 Seconds Of Summer_

 

Michael looked restless as he walked along beside a pale-faced Ashton. The younger boy's movements were stiff and strained, like he was having a hard time keeping himself in check, and for the first time Ashton let himself consider just how _hard_ this must be for his best friend.

Ashton knew Michael must be confused and very, _very_ lonely but he'd never thought about it in anymore depth than that. Ashton was thinking about it now though and it was making his head hurt.

Michael had essentially been without his two very best friends - and even Luke - for _months_ , and that must have been beyond difficult for him. Ashton wondered how Michael could stand to get up every morning when this was all he had to look forward to.

Quite honestly, the older boy couldn't understand how Michael wasn't a complete _wreck_ \- until it occurred to him that maybe Michael just hadn't let himself slow down and actually think about how much this was hurting _him_ when he was so upset about his best friends.

When Ashton suddenly surged forwards and dragged the startled red-haired boy into a hug, Michael made a small, surprised noise but accepted it readily enough, humming a little when Ashton tucked his face into Michael's neck.

"I'm sorry you're hurting," Ashton whispered and Michael's arms tightened around the smaller boy in response. He dropped a kiss onto Ashton's curls and rubbed his back reassuringly.

"It doesn't matter. It's okay," Michael promised, letting out a slightly breathless laugh when Ashton squeezed him tightly around the waist. The older boy only burrowed in closer, slipping his cold hands inside the warmth of Michael's jumper like they'd done as little kids and smiling weakly when Michael giggled, batting him away.

"It _does_ fucking matter, Mike! And it's not okay yet," Ashton added carefully and Michael's smile faded just a little. "But it _will_ be."

Ashton just wished it didn't feel like he was lying... but _Michael_ would be okay, Ashton reasoned, and right now, that was what mattered.

"You want to come back to mine?" Ashton suggested because he just sort of _knew_ that Calum wouldn't be at home and going to his own place right near it would only remind the younger boy of their absent best friend.

"Yeah, sure, I guess," Michael said, giving Ashton's shoulder a squeeze before he fell into step beside him again.

A silence grew between them and Ashton could see Michael growing tense once more as his small hands balled into fists. Luckily, his hand seemed to have mostly healed up by now.

"What is it?" Ashton asked softly as they walked down the road, their arms brushing together comfortingly as a cool breeze blew. Some of the tension drained from Michael's shoulders.

"This game meant so, _so_ much to Calum."

Ashton was worried about that too and he felt his shoulders sag, as though he was being crushed under a great weight. Ashton couldn't stand to think of Calum hating himself over something as insignificant as this but, before he had a chance to say anything, Michael visibly bristled beside him.

Ashton looked up and froze.

" _Luke_ ," he breathed.

The blond boy had just left the alley but, with his bad leg, he wasn't running. His expression was screwed up, like every step was hurting him, and Ashton felt pain shoot through his chest as the knot tightened almost unbearably.

" _Ash_?" Luke gasped when his ocean-blue eyes settled on the older boy.

Ashton shrank away from him a little, terrified that the raw _love_ he could feel blazing in the confines of his chest would be visible on his face. Michael wrapped his arm around Ashton's waist and, although he looked confused by the sudden tension between his two friends, he didn't comment.

Hurt and a touch of jealousy crossed the blond boy's face when he saw Ashton relax against the red-haired boy's side.

"Michael," Luke said after a long moment, greeting him tiredly. "How have you been?"

"I feel like maybe it's _me_ who should be asking _you_ that, Hemmings. What the fuck's wrong with you?" Michael's green eyes narrowed as Ashton clung to him and, beneath his palm, the older boy felt Michael tense. "Or should that be who the fuck has a _problem_ with you?!"

Luke seemed to fold in on himself at those words but he didn't comment and, when Michael took a half-step towards him, apparently without meaning to, the blond boy flinched away, his hand flying up to cover his face before he could stop himself.

It took Ashton a moment to remember that he was covering where Michael had hit before and, when the older boy realised this, he had to bite down hard on his bottom lip to keep himself from crying. Ashton thought maybe Michael's fists clenching had more to do with _protectiveness_ than intended violence though, and that made all the difference in the world.

"It's nothing," Luke said dismissively but Michael didn't look convinced, and rightly so. Ashton felt himself closing off again though because, if even _Luke_ couldn't admit that there was something _badly_ wrong here, how on _earth_ was Ashton supposed to help him?

" _Actually_ ," Luke snapped suddenly and both of the older boys stiffened in surprise. Ashton looked around Michael at Luke warily. "There _is_ something wrong."

Michael looked grudgingly concerned and, for the first time that day, Ashton wasn't scared for Calum and Michael or dwelling on his own crippling self-loathing. He was worried about _Luke_ instead.

"My dance teacher said, if my leg doesn't heal up soon, I won't be able to lead in the show. I won't even be able to _perform_ in the show."

Although Michael couldn't have understood the full extent of this, he still looked suitably downhearted and he didn't tease Luke at all, for which the older boy was grateful. Ashton's heart clenched with pain and, without meaning to, he slipped out from beneath Michael's arm and drifted over towards Luke.

"I'm so sorry," Ashton breathed and Luke relaxed into him, wrapping his arms around Ashton and holding on tightly.

Those three words seemed to contain so much: regret that Luke was suffering, pain that he was hurting, anger that his father seemed to be getting away with everything, and _love_.

When Michael cleared his throat awkwardly and drifted a short way down the road, making himself scarce, Ashton thought maybe the love shone brightest of all.

"I missed you," Luke whispered but Aleisha's perfume clung to his shirt collar and Ashton wouldn't - no, _couldn't_ \- say it back.

"We can't find Calum," Ashton said instead, because he wanted to distract Luke, because he was _frightened_ of the emotions coursing through him like adrenaline-spiked blood. "We lost our football match and he ran away, and now we can't find him."

Michael walked back over at the mention of Calum's name, his expression more morose than Ashton had ever seen it, with the exception of that fateful day where he had learnt the truth about Ashton.

"I'm worried about him," Michael said when he drew close and Ashton pulled away from Luke to give Michael's shoulder a comforting squeeze. Luke bit his lip, toying with his lip-ring. "I've texted him three times but he hasn't replied."

"I'm scared," Ashton breathed and they all stood there for a moment, simply sharing frightened glances, before simultaneously they realised they were standing immobile in the middle of the pavement. As one, they started walking again.

"I've been so caught up in my own head that I haven't... I haven't been there for Cal," Ashton admitted, his hazel eyes welling with tears.

"You're not the only one, Ash," Michael said, like that made it _any_ better. "I've been neglecting him too. I was so caught up on making you both better - like it's even that _easy_ \- that I didn't even stop to consider what had made him hurt in the first place. If I'd maybe tried to talk that through with him then..."

"But you couldn't have known," Luke interjected, trying to placate them both. By the look on his face, though, it was clear he felt bad too.

Ashton elbowed Luke and Michael glared as he snapped: "That's not the point. We fucking _should_ have known. It doesn't matter _how_."

An awkward silence stretched between them.

"Maybe you should call him then... if you feel like that..." Luke mumbled at last, his cheeks flaming. Ashton wished he hadn't elbowed him. He wished he hadn't done a _lot_ of things.

Michael clapped his hand to his forehead, like he thought he was an _idiot_ or something, but Ashton was already sliding his mobile out of his bag and hitting the call button.

The older boy was half-expecting the younger boy _not_ to answer his phone so it was with an enormous amount of relief when he heard the familiar voice mumbling out an: "Ash? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Ashton said, which was both true and a _complete_ lie. "Where are you, Cal? We were worried about you." The curly-haired boy bit his lip, worried that it didn't come across right. "We're _still_ worried."

Calum said nothing, and Ashton's concern must have shown on his face because both Luke and Michael exchanged anxious looks.

"You don't need to worry about me, Ash," Calum said at last, his voice soft and awkward. Ashton could hear cars passing quietly in the background and he wondered where the younger boy was. "I'm fine. I'm _always_ fine." Ashton heard Calum exhale shakily over the phone. "I'm just annoyed about losing the game I guess," he tacked on half-heartedly. "It's nothing."

"Bullshit," Ashton said immediately but his voice was faint. "Calum, _please_. I... You don't need to worry about the game. _No one_ blames you, Calum. No one's holding you responsible. It was just... it was just a bad game, right? Everyone has them, Cal. Even _you_."

The silence on the other end of the line was short but, when Ashton looked up at Michael and Luke for confirmation, they both looked a little more comfortable as they nodded at him.

"I know," Calum said at long last and Ashton felt himself relaxing a little.

"So... where are you now?" Ashton asked, starting to walk again when he realised he'd come to another stop. Luke and Michael quickly joined him, one on either side, and Ashton gripped the phone tighter, suddenly feeling extremely protective of Calum, who was currently walking along with nothing but his own thoughts for company.

"I'm just walking," Calum said but his words were muffled as another car drove by. "Clearing my head and stuff, y'know? Look, Ash, can I call you back later or something? I n-need to go."

The older boy felt uneasy when he heard Calum's voice shake at the end but he mumbled his goodbyes anyway and Calum swiftly ended the call.

When Ashton looked up at Luke and Michael, they looked as confused as he did.

All they could do was pray that if there was something wrong with Calum - like, _really_ wrong - then he would tell them.

Ashton wasn't holding out much hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this okay?  
> Thank you for reading :)


	81. Close To Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _It was the story of his life almost, and he wondered if he was nearing the end. It certainly felt like it sometimes. He hoped for it too, occasionally, when he couldn't sleep at night, or when he woke up and the sun hadn't fully risen yet, when he felt sick to his stomach with anxiety for nothing he could even put his finger on._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst angst angst! And soooooo much dialogue....  
> Updating from Wales!  
> Enjoy :)

_**I’m like a crow on a wire,** _

_**You’re the shining distraction that makes me fly home.** _

_\- Fool's Gold, One Direction_

 

The walk back to Ashton's house was uneasy.

Luke and Michael were making stilted conversation about some stupid video game Ashton had never heard of before, and the older boy sort of wanted to cry. He was desperately worried about Calum, sure that it had probably been a _very_ bad idea to let him continue walking on his own but aware that nothing he could say would change his mind.

It left Ashton with a sick, hollow sort of feeling in his stomach, like something was going to go badly wrong. Luke and Michael weren't making him feel any better either.

Michael had a defeated expression on his pale face and it made him look even graver than he had done after their loss at the football match. His red hair was limp against his forehead in a way that it usually wasn't and the sleeves of his jumper were stretched down over his hands as he curled them into fists.

Luke looked half asleep. His leg was still obviously hurting him and there was still bitterness poisoning him and colouring his face with anger, but more enhanced was the emptiness making his ocean-blue eyes glassy and blank, like _ice_ almost.

The torn skin on Ashton's arms - already feeling tight and sore - gave a phantom itch and he bit down on his lip hard as he tried to keep his emotions under control.

"You never did tell me who it was that's been knocking you around," Michael said suddenly and Ashton jumped, realising suddenly that he must have zoned out because they were almost _home_ now and he hadn't even realised.

Ashton stiffened when he processed Michael's question, looking up at the bemused expression on Luke's face. He supposed it must feel _very_ strange to be asked that question from someone who had punched you in the face once, and the thought of that made the hairs rise on Ashton's arms because Luke must have felt like all anybody ever wanted to _do_ was hurt him, whether it was with their fists or their words or Ashton's _pathetic_ fears.

"Well?" Michael prompted, a bit sarcastically almost, like he was trying to convince himself that everything was okay. Ashton couldn't help but think that everything was _not_ okay though.

None of them were even _close_ to okay.

The blond boy's face was ashamed and Ashton didn't think he was going to answer Michael. Luke proved him wrong though, just like he _always_ did.

"My dad," the youngest boy said quietly. "My brothers. But mostly my dad."

Maybe Luke wanted to shock Michael. Maybe he didn't care anymore. Or maybe he was just tired.

 _Ashton_ was. He was so, _so_ tired.

Every step took a Herculean effort as he dragged one foot in front of the other and kept going.

It was the story of his life almost, and he wondered if he was nearing the end. It certainly felt like it sometimes. He hoped for it too, occasionally, when he couldn't sleep at night, or when he woke up and the sun hadn't fully risen yet, when he felt sick to his stomach with anxiety for nothing he could even put his finger on.

 _Then_ he wanted it to end (and if it just so happened to be every single morning where he felt like that these days, no one but him needed to know).

Michael made an odd choking noise when he heard Luke's words and, although he looked sort of like he wanted to pull the blond boy into a massive _hug_ or something, he settled for clapping his hand lightly on Luke's shoulder - and he made the movement exaggerated too, so it didn't startle Luke - before murmuring something that Ashton didn't catch.

"I've gotta go home now I think, Ash," Michael said gruffly, his cheeks flushed with emotion as he walked forwards, crushing the smaller boy to his chest in a tight hug. "Text me if you hear from Cal or something, yeah? I love you, mate. I'll talk to you later."

Michael had left before Ashton could properly process what he had said but, after a moment, Ashton blinked, looking away from the red-haired boy's retreating back.

"What did Mike say?" Ashton asked Luke curiously and the blond boy looked close to _tears_ as he stood a few feet away, keeping his weight off his bad leg as he hovered there, his arms wrapped tightly around himself, like he was _hurting_. It made Luke look small and vulnerable, and Ashton's heart ached in his tightening chest.

"He..." Luke faltered, inhaling shakily and pinching the bridge of his nose tightly between his thumb and forefinger for a moment as he tried to calm down. "He said that... that if my leg heals up then... then he'll come and watch the show. As a... as a big ' _Fuck you_ ' to my dad..."

Ashton was wrapping Luke in his arms before he'd even stopped to consider it, holding him tightly and biting down on his lip again when Luke tucked his head into Ashton's neck with difficulty, suppressing a sob.

"Mikey's right," Ashton breathed, twisting and stretching up awkwardly to kiss the top of Luke's head. " _All_ of the band - and we _are_ a fucking band now; Mike _was_ right - are going to watch you, and I'm going to be right there at the front, cheering so much, Luke, I _promise._ "

Ashton fell silent, thinking about what people would think, what Aleisha might say if she found out, what Luke's family would do if they _knew_.

The blond boy wilted in Ashton's arms, like he was thinking the same thing.

"Or maybe I'll just get Michael to film it so we can all watch it back later together," Ashton amended and Luke relaxed, smiling weakly. "Cal will like it," Ashton added with a weak smile. "He'll probably go on about his sister a lot though. She used to dance too I think."

Luke looked up with interest, apparently pleased that Ashton had changed the subject.

"I didn't know Calum had a sister," the blond boy said, still looking deeply relieved that Ashton had actually _hugged_ him (and if that didn't break the older boy's heart, he didn't know what _did_ ). "He never mentioned a sister when we were practicing our music."

Ashton thought about that for a long moment as the pair started walking again, nearing home now, and it was only when Luke suddenly dropped his hand when his own house came into sight that Ashton realised he'd even taken it in the _first_ place.

"I guess he didn't. She's called Mali-Koa though, and she's a few years older than him. She's really nice too, Luke. I think you'd like her - and I _know_ she'd like you."

Luke nodded feebly but his face creased with pain as his leg shook beneath him. Ashton took Luke's arm firmly, glaring towards the younger boy's house.

"Doesn't your mum notice any of this?" he asked Luke cautiously, indicating his numerous injuries, including the faint bruise Ashton had literally _just_ noticed staining the younger boy's jaw and cheekbone.

"Sure she does," Luke mumbled, his ocean-blue eyes seeming to almost _burn_ for a moment. "But she doesn't want to see what's happening, y'know? And... I guess maybe she's just in _denial_ or something - I don't know. I mean, I never actually _tell_ her and -"

"That's not the point, Luke, and you _know_ it," Ashton said sharply, his eyes teary.

' _If he would only **say** something then there wouldn't even be an issue_!'

The blond boy's cheeks flushed, like he knew what Ashton was thinking

"Aleisha does it too," Luke mumbled defensively, like that made it _any_ better.

Ashton felt fresh tears welling in his eyes as he led Luke more swiftly towards his garage.

He knew it couldn't last - he knew _they_ couldn't last - but that didn't mean he couldn't make Luke feel better for the moment, if that was all they had left.

And it _had_ to be all they had left now.

Anything more would be dangerous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought :) <3


	82. Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke's ocean-blue eyes were glitter-soft with so much fondness and love that it hurt to even look at him, and it only made what Ashton was about to do that much harder._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long <3  
> Enjoy hopefully...

_**But I can't look away,** _

_**From your beautiful face.** _

_**It's so bittersweet,** _

_**What kills me, I crave.** _

_\- Close Your Eyes, Josh Krajcik_

 

Ashton wasn't sure how they ended up kissing when he'd had such honourable intentions but he supposed, where Luke was concerned, they often missed the mark.

It was inky black in the garage once the door was shut, dark enough that Ashton could barely see his hand in front of his face, let alone Luke.

That didn't change anything though.

Ashton could still hear the blond boy's ragged breathing and feel the drag of cold metal from the lip-ring catching on his parted lips. He could still feel Luke's delicate hands drifting down his bare chest once his t-shirt had been dragged roughly over his head and, _damnit_ , Ashton had never felt more conflicted in his life, because he could still smell Aleisha's perfume on Luke's clothes and he had _never_ felt so distressed before.

Ashton was on the point of pulling away when their hips brushed and Luke let out a little whine as he clung to Ashton, his knees buckling a little.

It was like a switch had been flicked in the older boy's head.

Suddenly he was kissing Luke back, kissing him like he was _drowning_ in stormy waters and Luke was the air he so desperately needed to survive.

When Luke made a small, pleased sound and deepened the kiss, Ashton moaned into it like he was satisfying a craving, like Luke was the only thing left in the world that mattered anymore.

Luke's whimper of: " _Daddy_ " ripped Ashton apart in ways more painful than he could ever explain because they couldn't have this. They just _couldn't_ and - and yet they both refused to deny themselves of the other and that only made things that much more _difficult_.

"I love you, Ash," Luke gasped out brokenly when Ashton's large hand closed around him. The older boy let his head fall to rest on Luke's broad shoulder so that he could avoid the blond boy's gaze.

' _I love you too, Luke. More than **anything**_!' Ashton wanted to scream, but he didn't. He settled for a broken: "Princess" instead, because that hurt less than admitting that he wasn't over Luke, that he would _never_ be over Luke. That he _could_ never be over Luke.

Luke's smaller hands scrabbled at the front of Ashton's jeans as they stumbled back towards the sofa, only to collapse on the rug stretching across the cold floor before they reached it. Luke's laughter was muffled, even as his breath hitched when Ashton's fist sped up - because now the older boy just wanted this to be over, wanted to hide beneath the covers on his bed and never see anyone ever again because he was fucking _ashamed_ , and that felt worse than anything - but the older boy didn't join in with Luke's giggles.

Ashton's face was set and, even as pleasure swept through him at what Luke was doing, his jaw was squared and his hazel eyes were _pained_ behind their closed lids.

It didn't take long at all for Ashton to come undone but, even as his toes curled and he pulled Luke through his _own_ orgasm, he could feel how wrong it was.

Luke fell apart moments after him but he didn't seem to have the same qualms that the older boy was suffering with.

Instead, Luke's ocean-blue eyes were glitter-soft with so much fondness and **love** that it hurt to even _look_ at him, and it only made what Ashton was about to do that much harder.

" _Luke_ ," Ashton said, his voice shaky because he hadn't caught his breath yet.

The blond boy stiffened in his arms, like he'd detected something in Ashton's tone that he didn't like, and the curly-haired boy faltered.

He wondered why Luke had to suffer, and Michael and Calum, when they all so kind and _perfect_ to him. Of course, that was the moment when Ashton remembered that the most beautiful flowers were _always_ picked first.

Luke was staring at Ashton and his eyes weren't glittering anymore. They looked _dark_ almost, wide and scared, and filled with a sort of _dread_ , the like of which Ashton had never seen before, except for the night of Luke's party when his father had found out the truth.

It sickened Ashton that he was able to reproduce such an expression now, but he told himself that this was _why_ he had to end things.

It didn't _matter_ that Ashton didn't even feel at home anymore unless he was wrapped in Luke's arms on those nights when he was falling apart. On those nights that couldn't be allowed to happen _ever_ again if Ashton was expected to uphold his part of the deal and stay away, for the blond boy's own _good_.

Ashton supposed that would just have to be enough for him to hold onto: Luke's fragile safety in exchange for the only real home Ashton had ever _really_ had...

Except he _hadn't_ had Luke. He'd _never_ had him.

Because, this whole time, Luke had belonged to someone else.

Ashton felt his face slowly ice over as his heart seemed to still in his chest, and when he started to speak in a soft, _soft_ voice, it felt almost like it was a stranger talking instead.

When the older boy ended things, Luke didn't start to cry until he thought Ashton couldn't hear him anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this wasn't too shit :/ again, I'll try to update faster, I promise <3  
> Thank you - please let me know what you thought xx


	83. Powerless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Mikey,” Ashton whispered and he heard the red-haired boy’s breath catch in his throat. “I did something really stupid.”_  
>  _The silence on the other end of the line was short-lived._  
>  _“Ashton, you’re scaring me," Michael said._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really damn angsty but it's also sort of changed my story plan entirely... Um... I'm nervous now. Hopefully this doesn't suck <3

**_Sing me to sleep,_ **

**_I’ll see you in my dreams,_ **

**_Waiting to say,_ **

**_"I miss you. I’m so sorry.”_ **

_\- Lullabies, All Time Low_

 

Ashton sat curled up in the corner of the bathroom, the cold seeping through the tiles and into his bones as he pulled his legs tightly up to his chest, keeping them there with an arm wrapped around them. He was holding his mobile phone tightly to his ear, his knuckles white around it as he rested his cheek on his knees.

When Ashton caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he sat curled up there, snivelling pathetically, the only word that came to mind to describe him was _small_.

Ashton hated it.

When the phone call was finally answered though, the curly-haired boy felt a little of the tension drain from his shoulders as he heard a familiar voice on the other end of the line.

“Ash? It’s nearly one in the morning – what are you –?”

“ _Mikey_ ,” Ashton whispered and he heard the red-haired boy’s breath catch in his throat. “I did something really stupid.”

The silence on the other end of the line was short-lived.

“Ashton, you’re scaring me,” Michael said and there was a sharpness to his tone that only made itself apparent when he was very, _very_ stressed. “What have you done? Do I need to call an ambulance or –”

“ _No_!” Ashton stammered, appalled, but in truth his heart was squeezing painfully in his chest and the fresh cuts on his arms gave a faint throb. “I’m okay, I promise. I just…” Ashton hung his head and his curls fell forwards into his hazel eyes as he blinked back tears. “I’ve hurt Luke. _Badly_.”

“What do you mean?” Michael asked and, this time, his tone held confusion instead of poorly-concealed panic. Ashton’s breathing started to speed up and he heard Michael make a soft clucking noise, the sort of sound the older boy's nan made when Harry or Lauren hurt themselves playing in the garden or something.

“Just calm down, Ash, _please_ ,” Michael said softly, his voice quiet, presumably because everyone else in his house was asleep. “Take some deep breaths for me, okay? Good. That’s _really_ good. Okay, from the beginning now please?”

Ashton took a deep, shuddering breath before his words began to pour out of him like a flood, and he was utterly powerless to stop them.

“After you left today I brought Luke back round mine and then we were kissing and – and _stuff_ happened but I got scared because I don’t want his dad to find out about us in case he hurts Luke and I’ve been thinking about this for _ages_ but I’d never really done anything about it before today and – and I did the only thing I could think of that might _possibly_ keep Luke safe and…”

Ashton’s voice trailed away for a moment and all he could hear over the phone was Michael’s uneven breathing.

“I told him I didn’t really love him, Mike. So he'd leave me alone. So his dad wouldn't find out.”

Ashton’s voice cracked and he bit down on his fist to keep his sobs in. Michael started to talk but the older boy cut him off quickly.

“No, _please_ don’t try to make me feel better. I don’t deserve it. I – Luke can’t be happy now. He’s only happy when he’s dancing or playing music or – or with _me_ for some stupid fucking reason I’ll probably _never_ understand and – and he can’t dance with his leg and he doesn’t get to play music anymore because all of _us_ are too fucking messed up to put the time in these days and… and I told him I didn’t _love_ him because I wanted to keep him _safe_.”

Ashton’s breath hitched again and hot tears started to trickle down his cheeks.

“Ash, you can’t blame yourself for this,” Michael said after a moment, his voice thick. “I mean… you were _really_ damn stupid but the intention behind it was good, right? So I’m sure if you just… if you just _explain_ to Hemmings – goddamnit, his name is  _Luke_ – then he'll see what you were trying to do and –”

“That wasn’t the _only_ reason.”

Ashton had interrupted Michael before he’d even realised he was _speaking_ but, as soon as the words left him, he knew he was speaking the truth.

“I… I don’t understand what you mean, Ash,” Michael said hesitantly, apparently not happy about the dark little voice that his friend was speaking in. Ashton didn’t blame him though. He couldn’t say _he_ liked it either.

“I was jealous too,” Ashton breathed and Michael went quiet. “I was jealous of Aleisha, of how she gets to be with Luke when I can’t, even when he says he loves _me_ and not her.”

“But, Ashton, I… I’m not saying I agree with what you two have been doing but you _know_ why Luke kept this secret. You can’t expect him to –”

“I _know_ that, Mikey!” Ashton cut in, his voice several octaves too high as he gradually edged towards hysteria. “I fucking  _know_! But I don’t think he realises how I’d literally do _anything_ for him! If he broke up with Aleisha and his dad found out and got mad, I – I’d do _anything_ to keep Luke safe, Mike. I – I’d go to fucking  _prison_ for him if I had to and –”

“Don’t say that, Ash,” Michael protested weakly but Ashton wasn’t listening.

“I’d do _anything_! And it’s even worse now, because I _know_ that his dad and his brothers are hurting him, and his mum doesn’t put a stop to it, and yet he still won’t let me _help_!" Ashton took a very sharp breath as his head spun. "And… and it’s _killing_ me, Mikey.”

Ashton’s voice was suddenly very soft, like he’d been racing down a cracked highway with a tank full of fuel and music blaring from the speakers, only the fuel was all gone now and the car was silent, and Ashton was running on empty, spinning and sliding through the dirt towards a canyon with no hope of being able to brake in time.

When Ashton spoke next, it felt like he’d plummeted over the edge as he spiralled down into nothingness.

“It’s _killing_ me.”

He heard a sniff over the line, like Michael was _crying_ or something equally unbelievable, and Ashton felt cold as he slowly let his legs rest on the icy floor, no longer sitting curled up. He felt hollow, sort of like he wasn’t really there at all, and taking up more space made him feel a little bit _less_ like he was about to fade out of existence.

“ _Ash_?” Michael gasped and his voice broke. He was definitely sobbing. Ashton’s chest ached. “Ash, it’s okay. We can fix this. I _promise_ we can fix this -”

“No, we _can’t_ ,” the older boy said softly and Michael started to tearfully disagree with him but, in that moment, Ashton just didn’t want to hear it anymore.

“I have to go now, Michael. I’m sorry for calling so late. I hope I didn't wake you.”

“Ash, please,  _please_ don’t –“

Ashton ended the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if this was any good or not!  
> Thank you :)


	84. Last Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“You’re such an idiot, Ash,” Luke muttered out of nowhere and he made a little snuffling sound as he laughed and tried not to cry at the same time._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just apologise in advance? Because I'm really, _really_ sorry.  
>  This update just kind of happened. I apologise. *sidles away innocently*

**_‘Cause I remember the taste of your skin tonight,_ **

**_And the way that you looked, you had those eyes._ **

**_I remember the way it felt inside,_ **

**_And the name of the songs that made you cry._ **

_– If You Don’t Know, 5 Seconds Of Summer_

 

Ashton rose slowly.

His thoughts were hornets in his head, stinging and vicious, but _deadening_ too, like he’d been overcome.

Ashton’s toes curled when the soles of his bare feet touched the cold tiles but he welcomed the numbness.

‘ _Numb_ ,’ Ashton thought dimly as he stood in the dark room, gazing unseeingly through the frosted glass of the window towards the full moon outside, nothing more than a blur of white against the pane. ‘ _I need to feel numb_.’

He knew his grandparents and the little ones had long since gone to sleep so no one would notice if he wasn’t in his bed. Ashton stood frozen in the middle of the room for a moment before he unlocked his phone and searched for one of the calmer playlists he had that he occasionally listened to on those rare, _rare_ occasions where he was actually trying _not_ to cut.

‘The Sky Under The Sea’ began to play softly and he set his phone on the counter near the basin before he knelt down beside the bath, turning the taps so that the bath began to fill before he dragged a towel off the rack and pressed it against the crack beneath the door, hoping that it would muffle the sounds of the music and the water enough that he wouldn't wake anyone up.

He stripped down quickly, trying not to look at himself in the mirror, but he found himself freezing when he stepped into the warm water because he’d just caught sight of his body for the first time in what felt like _months_ and something scary had made itself apparent.

He was no longer dangerously thin but his ribs were still jutting through his tanned skin and, for once, the scars marring the smooth skin of his flat stomach _weren’t_ the focus of his attention. Instead, perhaps strangely, he was thinking about _Calum_ or, more particularly, the night he had called Ashton _tiny_.

The older boy had seen Calum getting changed for football though and he _knew_ , without a single doubt in his mind, that the younger boy was a damn sight smaller than _Ashton_ was these days.

The thought of that made him feel sick and he sank down into the water swiftly, grateful that he could bury himself – and his worries – for just one more night before he maybe actually tried to _solve_ them for once, instead of hiding behind someone else.

The song changed to ‘Let Me Hold You’ and Ashton’s thoughts were suddenly a whirling mess of **Luke** because he’d heard the blond boy singing this song before and, although Ashton tried to convince himself that his eyes were only burning because the water was too hot, he was only lying to himself.

‘ _When the dark clouds come your way; when your demons can’t be tamed; when your last straw starts to break, and you feel your heart can’t take anymore. When your second chance is gone; when you’re barely hanging on; when you’re tired of being strong, and you don’t know where to run anymore._ ’

Ashton lay back so that the water soaked his curls, causing them to fall away from his face. It made him feel exposed and he really didn’t like it – he never _had_ done, to be honest – but he figured it was the least he deserved.

The music washed over him as the water slowly began to cool and he felt a lump beginning to form in his throat as his thoughts ran away with him, carrying him to places that he really, _really_ didn’t want to revisit.

‘ _I wanna take away the hurts, but I just don’t have the words. Let me hold you; let me hold you tight. Let me hold you. Just let me hold you tonight…_ ’

Ashton couldn’t believe he’d made Luke leave.

The curly-haired boy knew he _had_ to have made things worse for Luke, despite his good intentions, and that only made Ashton feel _more_ terrible. He’d never messed up this badly before. _Never_.

‘ _When the shadow’s always there; when you can’t come up for air; when tomorrow seems to lead nowhere, and there’s no answer to your prayer anymore._ ’

Ashton wondered how much he’d miss Luke if he couldn’t fix this which, naturally, led Ashton to think about all of the times he _had_ been with Luke.

‘ _I wanna take away the hurts, but I just don’t have the words. Let me hold you; let me hold you tight. Let me hold you. Just let me hold you tonight…_ ’

Ashton remembered the four of them playing music in the garage and Luke singing his fucking _heart_ out to ‘Jasey Rae’. He remembered how Michael and Calum had marvelled at Luke’s voice as he’d hit every note _perfectly_ , and the pride Ashton felt as he remembered that moment quickly soured when he realised that maybe he wouldn’t ever get to witness Luke singing again.

‘ _Let me hold you; let me hold you. Let me hold you tight. Let me hold you. It’s all that I can do… Tonight._ ’

Ashton remembered how, much earlier on in their uncertain relationship, Luke had tried to teach Ashton some new chords on the guitar.

Ashton remembered how that hadn’t exactly gone to plan though, and how he and Luke had ended up kissing against the poster-covered wall, with Luke gently cupping Ashton’s jaw as he settled against him, slipping a shaking hand inside Ashton’s boxers. The older boy remembered how his resistance had crumbled as Luke had wrapped his hand around him tightly –

And then Ashton was biting back tears and somehow sporting a semi in _cold_ bathwater, and he really fucking _hated_ being a teenage boy because no one had ever told him it would be this _fucking_ hard (no pun intended).

Maybe he _didn’t_ need to feel numb after all. Maybe he just needed to find a distraction.

That way he’d be able to make sure Luke got the help he so desperately fucking _needed_ without hurting them both more in the process. Maybe _that_ was the right answer… or maybe not.

Maybe he’d just fuck everything up even more than he _already_ had.

Ashton didn’t know. He tried not to _care_ but that was impossible.

‘ _A distraction_ ,’ he repeated, and this time he felt heartened. If he distracted himself enough then maybe he could forget everything that made him hurt so fucking badly all the time. Mmaybe he could be a better _friend_.

He climbed out of the cold water slowly, like he’d aged ten years while he was lying in the bath, and he’d barely wrapped a towel around himself when the music cut off and his phone began to chime softly as someone phoned him.

Ashton shied away from it at first, shivering as the icy water ran down his arms, and he had to admit that a small part of him was afraid that Michael was ringing back to make him feel guilty again, but there was also a slim chance that it was _Calum_ and Ashton couldn’t risk missing a call from him.

(An even _tinier_ part of Ashton hoped that maybe it would be his _mum_ , even though that was impossible because she’d never cared enough to try to get better for him. Even though Ashton still missed her so much it fucking  _hurt_ sometimes.)

In the end though, it was _none_ of them and, when Ashton saw who was calling him at almost three in the morning as he stood there, dripping water all over the bathroom floor and shivering violently, he swore his heart stopped beating in his chest for the few seconds it took for him to actually _answer_ the phone call.

**[Incoming call from LUKE]**

When Ashton shakily hit answer, the sound of static was the only thing he could hear for several long moments - and then he heard Luke take a shaky breath.

“ _Ash_?” the blond boy whispered, sounding scared. “Ash, are you okay? Mikey called me and –”

“That interfering _dick_ ,” Ashton mumbled unsteadily, his voice weak and maybe even a little bit _relieved_. Luke gave a small, slightly startled laugh but the sound was still sad. Ashton felt a tear slide down his cold cheek.

“You’re such an idiot, Ash,” Luke muttered out of nowhere and he made a little snuffling sound as he laughed and tried not to cry at the same time, the sound reminding Ashton _very_ much of some sort of new-born kitten.

“I… I’ll try to sort this whole _mess_ out soon, I promise,” Luke said abruptly, startling Ashton. “Just… just not _quite_ yet. I… I need to get my head straight first but –” The blond boy made another choked sound, like he was trying to laugh at himself but hadn’t quite mastered the skill yet, and Ashton’s _heart_ hurt.

“Just… just please don’t be sad, Ash,” Luke breathed and Ashton found himself clutching the phone tighter with both hands, uncaring when the damp towel tumbled to the floor and left him exposed to the cold room because Luke was _so_ much more important than he was.

“I know you… had _reservations_ about… about us,” Luke stated and the faint tremble in his voice hurt Ashton more than his razor blades _ever_ could. “But… I guess we… we can just be _friends_ or something… until things change or… or even _forever_ , if that’s what you want…”

Ashton bit down on his lip _hard_ to keep from screaming out: ‘ _I want **you**!_ ’ and he made a small, pained noise instead, one that he wasn’t quite able to mask.

Luke sighed shakily and Ashton could almost _see_ the tears running down the blond boy's face like rain - or _seaspray_ - as he sat in his bedroom in the dark, whispering into the phone so that his family wouldn’t hear.

The knot in Ashton’s chest tightened so much that he felt like maybe he’d breathed his last breath. Maybe this really _was_ it and he’d just die now, in too much fucking pain to even _talk_ to the best fucking person he’d ever _met_.

If Luke's voice had been shaking before, it was _nothing_ compared to what it sounded like now. He was crying so much Ashton could barely even _hear_ him but, somehow, the older boy understood.

“If that’s what you want,” Luke repeated and Ashton clapped his hand over his mouth as a sob tore its way out of him. “Then I’ll take it,” Luke gasped out and Ashton was _blinded_ with tears. “I’ll take it. I’ll take fucking _anything_ , Ash. I… I just can’t _lose_ you. You’re… you’re the _best_ fucking thing that’s ever happened to me and… and I _love_ you. I think I’ll probably _always_ love you but… but it’s up to you where we go from here.”

Ashton couldn’t speak and Luke exhaled shakily from the other end.

“That is, _if_ we go anywhere from here,” the blond boy murmured and his voice was edging towards desperate. “Just… just give me a call when you’ve thought things through, Ash… _Please_. I… I need to know.”

It was only when the phone went dead that Ashton broke down into wrecked, _desperate_ tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um... I hope this was okay?  
> I actually had _fun_ writing this which probably makes me a bad person. Whatever.  
>  Please let me know what you guys thought :)


	85. Chance In Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton was_ literally _falling apart and, unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really sad and I'm sorry about that <3  
> Also I'm ill at the moment so I'm taking that out on all of you guys. Sorry.  
> Hopefully enjoy :)

**_Born with a void, hard to destroy with love or hope,_ **

**_Built with a heart, broken from the start,_ **

**_And now I die slow._ **

_\- Valley Of The Dolls, Marina & The Diamonds_

 

Ashton never rang Luke back.

He tried to sometimes, when it was late at night or he had a free period at school, but it seemed that the very moment he pulled his phone out of his pocket and hovered over the younger boy's number, he lost what little courage he possessed.

It had been several _months_ now and Ashton _still_ hadn’t called him back. He hated himself for it.

He could feel himself slowly unravelling, like he was coming apart at the seams.

While he’d never been particularly _good_ at school, now he was _terrible_. He simply sat at his desk and stared unseeingly out of the windows as his mind raced inside the confines of his head like a black hole almost, sucking in every good thing that happened and finding a way to make it dark.

Everyone around him was revising and preparing for their exams but not Ashton.

His head was a mess of **_LukeCalumLukeMichaelLukeLukeLuke_** until it was all he could think of anymore.

Ashton was _literally_ falling apart and, unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one.

Calum had been growing slowly quieter and thinner of course, that much Ashton had realised, but it was more than that now. The younger boy hardly ever _talked_ anymore and Ashton couldn’t even _remember_ the last time all three of them had sat together and ate lunch like they used to.

Things were rapidly spiralling out of control.

It was the same for Michael but, as Calum grew smaller, the red-haired boy became louder and larger than life.

Ashton thought he seemed a lot more out of control than he usually did. Michael messed around in classes in a way he never used to – while before he might have cracked the occasional joke to make everyone laugh during a particularly boring lesson, now he was downright _rude_ – and half the time he simply didn’t bother turning up at all.

He got drunk on school nights too – Ashton had a record of every time Michael had _done_ this, damnit, because of all of the drunk texts he received detailing how Michael didn’t _really_ love Calum and had been pretending all those months ago (and it kind of broke Ashton’s heart) – and he'd had his eyebrow pierced again. He’d re-dyed his hair too.

It was more red than it had _ever_ been now, almost too bright to _look_ at.

Maybe that had contributed to Ashton spending more and more time alone at school… or maybe it hadn't.

Maybe he was just trying to separate himself from _everyone_ he cared about before the inevitable happened and he just gave up.

He didn’t think anyone would really _miss_ him anymore.

Calum spent most of his time alone anyway and Michael was too busy kissing as many people as he could in the most obtrusive public places he could possibly _find_ , and it wasn’t like anyone at home would care.

Ashton spent so much time in his room these days, just lying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling as music played softly from his iPod, that his grandparents had stopped asking him to come downstairs. Nowadays his nan just left his dinner on the desk, pecked him on the cheek and left quickly, and his grandpa had stopped coming upstairs to make pointed comments about a certain neglected drum kit collecting dust in the garage.

Even the little ones didn’t need him anymore.

He’d spent so little time with them over the past few months – and, in all honesty, it was probably closer to half a _year_ if he really thought about it, and that made him feel _sick_ – that they spent most of their time together or out with their friends, and Ashton _tried_ to be happy for them but it was so _hard_ when he’d been the one to burn himself making them dinner when they were all little, when he’d been the one to tuck them into bed at night and kiss their tear-wet cheeks when Anne was downstairs smashing glasses…

When _he’d_ been the one to let them slip through his fingers like grains of sand, because he hadn’t cared enough to drag himself out of the labyrinth of his own damn _head_ and actually show them that he still _loved_ them.

Ashton had never loathed himself more than he did in that moment.

It made him feel _just_ as terrible as essentially abandoning Luke had and –

‘ _No. No no no no no no **no**. Distract yourself._ ’

Ashton had had to do that a lot lately and usually it proved quite impossible. This time, though, it was actually a lot _easier_.

He was walking through the school with Calum – a rarity these days – after the football captain had shown up after lunch from wherever he’d been lurking. Ashton had a suspicion it was the music room but he didn’t say anything, not wanting to take Calum’s safe place away.

They’d been wandering really, since there were still a good twenty minutes of lunch left, when Ashton had rounded a corner in the older part of their school and _frozen_.

Michael was making out with a guy against the wall of the abandoned corridor. Ashton panicked at first, because Michael had been beaten up before for the people he liked and the older boy did _not_ want to see that happen again, before he suddenly felt a thrill of dread run through him.

Ashton spun round, hoping desperately that Calum hadn’t followed him round the corner yet, but it was already too late.

He’d seen.

Calum let out a small broken sound when he saw what Michael was doing and then, before Ashton could stop him, he was wheeling around and _running_ , fast enough that Ashton knew he didn’t have a chance in _hell_ of catching him.

Michael pulled away when he heard the football captain’s retreat and, although it was clear that he was _trying_ to look triumphant, in truth he just looked shocked, like he hadn’t been expecting Calum’s reaction at all. Ashton had to admit that he felt the same way at first –

And then he suddenly remembered the night Calum had kissed Michael, remembered it in perfect clarity for the first time, like the memory had _finally_ burnt its way through the alcohol that had been clouding his mind all those months ago.

Ashton remembered Calum’s words and he leant back against the wall heavily, his knees weak. He felt like the floor had been ripped out from beneath him.

“ _I said we could try. Mike said no though. Said it wasn’t fair on me. I didn’t know it at the time but now I can see it… and I don’t know how to tell him that nothing has ever **been** fairer. I didn’t want to like Mikey. I still don’t._”

Ashton remembered what Calum’s face had looked like after he’d said those words, remembered the word he’d used to silently describe it: _dead_.

He had looked **_dead_** because – ‘ _God, please let me be wrong, please, **please**_ ’ Ashton thought desperately but, deep down, he knew he was right – Calum _loved_ Michael.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Mike,” Ashton said weakly, and perhaps unfairly, and the guy who seemed to be doing his best to hide behind Michael muttered something that sounded a bit like: “Call me” before he darted off down the corridor in the opposite direction.

“You had your damn tongue down a girl’s throat only yesterday, Mike! Who the hell was _that_?” Ashton asked and Michael gave a shrug, his cheeks flaming as red as his hair.

“Don’t know,” he mumbled, his chin jutting a bit as he folded his arms across his chest defensively.

“You _dick_ ,” Ashton said but his words lacked heat. He just felt sort of _stunned_. His hazel eyes were wide as he stared at Michael, taking in his swollen lips and too-bright eyes. “You’re only doing this to get back at Calum, aren’t you? You’re an idiot, Mike. A fucking _idiot_. He **_loves_** you!”

Michael sat down quite heavily on the floor, making a little huffing noise like he’d been winded, like Ashton had just _punched_ him or something.

“What the fuck are you _talking_ about, Ash?” Michael breathed out, his eyes abruptly _agonised_. Ashton wasn’t sure if he wanted to hit Michael or hug him, so he settled for simply sliding down the wall too, careful to keep the same distance between them.

“Calum told you that you two could try, right?” Ashton said softly, breathing heavily as the knot in his chest tightened considerably. “And then there was that night where he _kissed_ you –”

“And told me he liked _girls_ ,” Michael mumbled but his eyes were wide. Ashton exhaled in a hiss.

“He fucking _kissed_ you, Mike! And…” Ashton glanced up through his eyelashes to find Michael staring at him hopelessly. “And don’t you remember what he told me after?”

Michael opened his mouth wordlessly and Ashton spoke roughly, like the words were broken glass in his mouth.

“He said he didn’t want to like you, Mike, and I think we can both safely assume that he really _does_ like you.”

The red-haired boy dropped his head into his hands, tugging at the crimson strands of his fringe and _tearing_ , and Ashton wanted to help him but he’d seen Michael like this before and the younger boy had a tendency to lash out when he was going to pieces over something.

“I think maybe it’s a lot more than _like_ these days, Mike,” Ashton whispered and then Michael was gone too, a blood-red twister that took the last of the light with it.

Ashton sat on the floor alone, his breath shallow in his chest and his heart thundering in his _throat_.

He barely heard the bell when it blared a few minutes later. He just sat there, leaning against the wall and trying to identify what the peculiar rasping sound he could hear was before he realised he was sobbing.

His head was spinning but his mind was darker than ever and, when the bell finally stopped and he was greeted with complete silence and a blank stretch of wall, he realised his mistake.

There were no distractions here. _Nothing_.

Ashton remembered the feeling of Luke’s lips against his perfectly and he clapped his hands over his mouth and let the tears roll freely.

An agonised sound escaped him and it didn’t sound _human_ in the unnatural silence saturating the air around him.

It didn’t matter though.

Ashton was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this okay? Please let me know what you thought!  
> Also, I have some stuff to say:  
> First, I'd like to take this opportunity to formally apologise for the angst.  
> Second, um... It basically only gets worse from this point on... Um... yeah...  
> The end will be happy though. Probably. Almost _definitely_.  
>  (Please don't leave me.)


	86. Sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“I’m so, so sorry, Calum,” Ashton breathed and the younger boy relaxed against him hesitantly, his head falling onto Ashton’s shoulder. His eyes stayed open though, glassy and lost, and Ashton suddenly had to blink back tears. “I keep telling you that things are going to be okay again, and then I only make them worse.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst is real in this update... sorry...  
> Basically I think either the phrase "shit gets real" or "shit hits the fan" (ew) summarises this update pretty will. Um... yeah, sorry in advance... uh... again...  
> Fingers crossed you'll all enjoy.

**_Can’t sleep ‘cause everything’s changing,_ **

**_You don’t want to leave things behind._ **

**_Can’t breathe ‘cause too many things going on,_ **

**_Going wrong in your life._ **

_\- Sweet Goodbyes, Krezip_

 

Ashton showed up at Calum’s house uninvited that evening.

Normally there would have been no problem with it but things were so weird between them – between all _three_ of them really – (‘ _not four, there was **never** four, don’t think about him, don’t think_’) – that Ashton half felt like he shouldn’t even _be_ there.

He still knocked though, but it was a wary hesitant sound, and he felt as wooden as the door when Calum opened it and looked at him stiffly for a few moments before he seemed to almost _wilt_.

“Ash,” Calum said and he seemed to twitch, like he wanted to pull the smaller boy into a hug but he wasn’t sure if that was allowed anymore. Ashton was halfway towards Calum before he hesitated, no longer sure if it was what Calum really wanted.

“This is so stupid,” Calum mumbled but his voice was so quiet that Ashton wasn’t sure he was supposed to have heard. It didn’t matter though because the football captain had tugged Ashton forwards and the curly-haired boy was suddenly greeted with a face full of jumper and Calum shifting uncomfortably before he quickly ended the hug.

“Let me shut the door, Ash. It’s freezing,” the younger boy said and Ashton pulled away to let him, frowning slightly as he watched the football captain shivering in another of his enormous jumpers.

“It’s October, Cal,” Ashton pointed out, a touch of concern colouring his tone now. “It… it really isn’t that cold at the moment.”

“Huh,” Calum murmured, but he refused to say anything more about it. “Do you want tea or coffee or something? No? Okay, well… I was just... um… in my room before you showed up so… do you want to watch TV or something?”

“I kind of wanted to talk actually,” Ashton said falteringly, trying desperately to convince himself that it _wasn’t_ too little, too late, and not entirely succeeding.

Calum exhaled shakily as he processed that and he took a small step away from Ashton, folding his arms across his chest and regarding him with guarded, _tired_ eyes.

“I was afraid you were going to say that,” he muttered but he still led the way into the living room, like Ashton _hadn’t_ been coming round every week since he was about seven.

The older boy found it strange when he sat down on one end of the sofa and Calum sat as far away from him as it was possible to get. It felt almost like Ashton was sitting with someone _else_ who wasn’t his best friend anymore, and that thought cut him like _knives_ , the fact that Calum might have been changing right in front of him and he’d barely even _noticed_.

“So what did you wanna talk about, bud?” the dark-haired boy asked and Ashton felt himself relaxing a little. The fact that Calum was still using that nickname – even after _all_ this time – was… reassuring. It made Ashton feel that, just maybe, there was something of the _old_ Calum still trapped in there.

“Everything,” Ashton said because he didn’t want to be burning bridges. It was worth it anyway because a small, slightly ironic smile twisted Calum’s lips. It was the first smile Ashton had seen there for what felt like _weeks_.

“We’re going to be here for a while then,” Calum tried to joke before he sighed softly, wrapping his arms more tightly around himself and digging his fingers into the thick material of the jumper before he made a conscious effort to release the material.

“I…” Ashton bit his lip, not sure how to go about starting. “Are… are you okay after… y’know… _earlier_?”

Calum’s expression tightened at that and his little hands balled into fists where they rested on his knees.

“I’m _fine_ ,” he retorted, not entirely convincingly, and Ashton didn’t like the bitter laugh that escaped Calum after he’d said those words.

Before Ashton could speak though, Calum had already continued, a slightly puzzled expression on his exhausted face now.

“Michael was looking for me earlier, after… Well, you know.” The younger boy ducked his head and his dark hair fell forwards to hide his eyes but, in the seconds before, Ashton saw them gleam for a moment before they quickly went glassy again, like Calum was trying to keep the emotions off his face. “I hid from him though and… and he left me _ten_ missed calls… and voicemails… I haven’t listened to the voicemails.”

Ashton _wished_ he could tell Calum to listen to them, to call Michael back and give him a chance to explain, but he felt like he’d already overstepped the mark somehow and, when Calum’s bottom lip suddenly wobbled a little, like he was hurting a _lot_ more than he was letting on, Ashton searched for a change of subject.

“Where are your family?” he asked, looking around like he was expecting them to leap out from behind the furniture or something.

“Mum and dad are out tonight which is probably for the best,” Calum said, biting his bottom lip and doing his best to ignore Ashton’s deepening frown. “And…” Another sigh escaped him but this one was a lot more heartfelt. “Mali’s run off again.”

Ashton felt his hazel eyes widening and he was squeezing Calum’s shoulder comfortingly before he’d thought better of it. Through the layers of material, Calum felt brittle and frail, all sharp-edges and corners, like delicate crystal that would be so, _so_ easy to shatter.

Ashton knew Calum’s older sister Mali-Koa had ran away before. She did it sometimes, when life got too much for her and no one would give her enough space to think. Ashton had never understood that when he was younger but he thought he might know how she felt now.

Sometimes he wished _he_ could just get away too.

Ashton flinched when that thought reminded him of something he was doing his best to forget: him and Luke, lying on the rug in Ashton’s garage, their hands grasped gently together.

“ _Maybe you can come with me when **I** escape then._”

“ _Maybe I will._ ”

“ _I really hope you do_.”

Ashton baulked.

‘ _Stop thinking about him! Distract yourself or you’re going to break._ ’

Ashton forced himself to focus, wiping his burning eyes _hard_ with the sleeve of his sweatshirt and pulling a tense Calum carefully closer. Now wasn’t the time to dwell on his mistakes. He should be helping Calum instead.

“Cal, you should have _said_ something,” Ashton breathed out shakily, biting his lip hard as he looked at the football captain who was desperately fighting to keep it together.

“But no one asked.”

Ashton felt a lump rise in his throat because it was a painful truth, and one that he was determined to prove false from this point on. He might have lost Luke, lost the little ones and his grandparents, his own _mother_ , and maybe even _himself_ somewhere along the way, but he _couldn’t_ lose Michael and Calum too.

He just _couldn’t_.

“I’m so, _so_ sorry, Calum,” Ashton breathed and the younger boy relaxed against him hesitantly, his head falling onto Ashton’s shoulder. His eyes stayed open though, glassy and lost, and Ashton suddenly had to blink back tears. “I keep telling you that things are going to be okay again, and then I only make them _worse_.”

For the first time since Ashton had arrived, Calum didn’t try to mask the emotions he was feeling, and the amount of pure unadulterated _agony_ Ashton could suddenly see in Calum’s sunken, chocolate brown eyes was _painful_.

“You _need_ to stop blaming _yourself_ for everything,” Calum insisted tearfully, twisting a little so that he could wrap his arms around the older boy without letting any of his weight settle on him. Ashton sniffed when he noticed that and held Calum closer, pulling him onto his lap properly.

The dark-haired boy immediately tensed up and Ashton realised, with a jolt of trepidation, that he’d done the wrong thing.

“Please let me go,” Calum whispered, his face flushing red, and it was only then that Ashton took note of how sharp his cheekbones were and how there was _no_ roundness to his cheeks anymore. “I’m too _heavy_.”

Ashton’s heart ached.

“I absolutely _promise_ you that you’re not,” he said and there a hint of pleading in his voice, but he may as well have not spoken. Calum continued to shift uncomfortably on his lap, all thick woollen jumper and sharp bones, and Ashton thought back to the _last_ time he’d hugged Calum, when it wasn’t a problem, only to be reminded of something _else_ that sent his blood thundering in his veins.

He remembered Calum clinging to him like a frightened child as he sobbed and it scared Ashton to think about that now, because Calum had been so _strong_ once but it had been _years_ since Ashton felt like he could apply that word to the desperate boy in front of him.

Ashton remembered Calum’s reaction when he’d said: “ _Crying’s okay. Crying’s good but **you’re going to make yourself sick**_ ”.

He remembered every worry he’d had over the past _year_ if he was being honest with himself, remembered all the times he’d discussed it with Michael and even _Luke_ as he felt fear clawing at his heart, and it was worse now – _two hundred_ times worse – because he’d never even _tried_ to help.

Calum slithered out of Ashton’s slack grip but he didn’t go far, his complexion slowly paling when he took in the poorly-disguised panic he could see in the older boy’s wild hazel eyes.

Ashton tried to control himself but it was no good.

Suddenly everything had a double-meaning: Calum feeling _cold_ all the time, being more irritable and _depressed_ , not concentrating like he used to, looking pale in the restaurant after they’d eaten on Ashton’s birthday, almost passing out and feeling dizzy a lot, hiding his wrists _all_ the time, not wanting anyone to touch him anymore, and being fucking _heartbroken_ over Michael kissing someone else, amongst ten million _other_ things.

Ashton looked at an increasingly worried Calum – _really_ looked at him – and he saw how sunken and dull his eyes were now, saw that his fluffy black hair was a lot thinner than it used to be as it fell limply across his forehead, saw how fragile his hands looked, so small and delicate that all of the _bones_ were visible and, suddenly, everything made _sense_.

Ashton had to fight not to be sick.

“Oh my god,” he whispered and Calum was grasping his shoulders in his tiny hands, the touch so gentle Ashton almost couldn’t feel it at all. He felt the panic rising in him stronger than ever and, before he knew what he was doing, his arms were wrapped tightly around Calum’s slender waist – and he could feel all of his fucking _ribs_ – and his face was tucked into the cool skin of Calum’s neck as he felt himself tearing apart.

“ _Ash_?” Calum whispered, and the word was broken and frightened, like he was suddenly _terrified_ that Ashton knew. When the curly-haired boy pulled away shakily, his eyes red and wet with tears, and his face several shades too pale, Ashton saw in Calum’s eyes when he realised Ashton had finally put the pieces together.

“You… you know that I… that…”

Ashton wondered if Calum even made himself _sick_ anymore. He thought back and the last time he’d even seen Calum _eat_ something was on his birthday, all the way back in _July_.

Ashton felt like the bottom had dropped out of his stomach. His hands were trembling as he pulled his sleeves down over them, as he was wont to do when he felt particularly vulnerable, and the tears in his eyes were _blinding_ him as he stared at his best friend, his mouth slightly open, as though in shock.

“You’ve been cutting too…” Ashton whispered, when he could talk again, and it wasn’t even a _question_ which he thought was much, _much_ worse.

When Calum dragged the sleeve of his jumper back, looking dazed and horrified and _livid_ with himself, Ashton saw _hundreds_ of neat, straight cuts lining the scarred skin of Calum’s arms, much paler than it used to be because it didn’t see the sunlight anymore.

“Oh, _Calum_ ,” Ashton breathed, but he didn’t even know where to _start_. “Come here,” he said with a hint of desperation, pressing himself back into the sofa so that there was room for Calum in front of him, so that he wouldn’t have to lie on the older boy if he didn’t want to. Ashton opened his arms.

“ _Please_ , Cal,” he gasped and his voice cracked. “ _Please_ come here.”

The younger boy let out a small sob as he slumped down onto the sofa in front of Ashton, pressing back into his warmth. Ashton could see the tears trickling down Calum’s cheeks and, when he reached out to comfort him – and he didn’t know how he was going to do that, he had no _idea_ – the younger boy grabbed his hands, pulling them tightly to his chest so that Ashton couldn’t touch him anywhere else.

“I’m sorry,” Calum whispered, ashamed, and Ashton’s tears were hot as they boiled over and coursed down his face too. “I’m _so_ sorry.”

“You have _nothing_ to be sorry for,” Ashton promised, tucking his face into Calum’s neck again as he tangled his legs with Calum’s, figuring that this was probably the only way the younger boy was going to let him hug him now. “You… you’ve got _so_ much shit going on right now but… but, Cal, we _will_ get you better again, I… I _promise_.”

Ashton left out the part where he’d have to persuade Calum to let them _tell_ someone, or risk losing _another_ of his best friends forever by betraying them – and even _then_ he had to fight to distract himself because Luke’s face in his mind’s eye was so pure that it _burnt_.

“I miss you,” the younger boy breathed out suddenly, even though they saw each other every day and lived within twenty minutes of each other. Even though they’d been best friends with each other since they were little and they'd barely spent a day apart in that time.

Even though they were together right _now_.

‘ _I miss you. Not missed but **miss**._ ’

Calum had spoken in present tense and, somehow, that seemed significant to Ashton.

“I miss you too,” he murmured and his eyes grew even wetter, although he tried to convince himself that it was just because he was desperately, _desperately_ worried about Calum and Michael and _Luke_.

Deep down though, Ashton knew there was a _whole_ lot more to it than that because, regardless of whether or not he felt like he was floating away and losing his grip on reality – and every second of every day lately he did; he really, _really_ did – there was one thing that was doing a truly remarkable job of tearing his heart into billions of tiny little pieces.

Because Ashton had already managed to lose Luke and _now_ …

God, _now_ he was losing _Calum_ too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was okay.  
> Um... unfortunately the next few updates are actually set to be even _angstier_ than this one...?  
>  Good luck...  
> (Please let me know what you think... unless you've all left... I wouldn't blame you if you'd all left...)


	87. Distance Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke was backing away – towards the window, towards_ Ashton _– as his father advanced,_ stalking _him almost, like a wolf after its prey._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god nopety nope this was fucking angsty and i'm sorry i didn't plan for half of this shit to happen oh my god

**_And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere,_ **

**_And this is my reaction,_ **

**_To everything I fear,_ **

**_'Cause I've been going crazy, I don't want to waste another minute here._ **

_\- Weightless, All Time Low_

 

Ashton hadn’t told anyone yet and he wondered if he maybe _should_ have.

He’d been _about_ to – like seriously, he’d taken his mobile out of his pocket but Calum had kind of really feebly _attacked_ him for it so, in the end, he’d told Calum he had _one_ week to tell someone himself or Ashton was going to do it for him.

It was _so_ far from ideal and Ashton knew he’d have plenty of sleepless nights because of it – and really, it wasn’t exactly like he wasn’t used to those _anyway_ , especially at the moment, and it was probably no more than he deserved – but he could feel his heart pounding too-hard in his chest as he mooched home from his evening shift at the garage, feeling like he needed the long walk more than the fifteen minute drive so that he could _think_.

‘ _Six days. Cal has six days left and then I’ll help him, whether he likes it or not_.’

Ashton wondered why six days suddenly felt like such a long time.

His thoughts were more twisted than ever as he walked along beneath the streetlights but, just as his road came into view, he saw someone running down the pavement in his direction.

Ashton’s step faltered and he felt his jaw drop open when he took in the sandy hair and tear-wet eyes of _Aleisha._

When she saw him, she positively  _flew_ at him, her fists pounding into his chest, and she put a _lot_ more force behind them than Calum had.

“What…?” Ashton stammered, completely bewildered. He hadn’t even _seen_ her in almost four months. “Aleisha, I –”

“Are you fucking _happy_ now?!” she spat but there were tears in her eyes and Ashton felt something icy cold unfurling in his chest as his heart started to race faster. What was she _talking_ about?

When Aleisha took in his confused, shocked expression, she looked even angrier. “You’re a fucking _idiot_ , Ashton!” she screamed at him and she slapped him, her nails biting into his cheek, and he just stood there and _took_ it because… because he had no damn _idea_ what was going on.

“You’re fucking _welcome_ to him,” she spat, tearing herself away from him and storming off, her sandy hair fanning out behind her.

Ashton walked to his house on numb legs, his eyes wide with shock, because that had _sounded_ like she and Luke had – but no. No, _no_ , **_no_**.

He just needed to distract himself again.

He let himself into the house quietly, mumbling a greeting to his grandparents and putting his shoes on the rack beside the door. He caught a glimpse of himself in the hall mirror and saw that one side of his face was _flaming_ , with tiny little scarlet crescents marring the burning skin from Aleisha’s nails.

The knot in his chest was as tight as it ever was but, before his breathing could really be classed as _panicky_ , a distraction came in the form of a text from Michael.

**[From MIKE] Received at 21:18**

**Hey ash, sorry I made things so awkward today. Just didn’t know how to be after yesterday, y’know? That’s beside the point though, whatever. Do you wanna come clubbing on Friday night? There’s a couple of guys from school going and it might be fun. I know it’s not really your cup of tea but it could be a good distraction, right? I know you’re always looking for those these days. Lemme know what you think. I miss hanging out with you, mate. x**

Ashton’s first reaction was a gigantic resounding **_no_** but he stopped and thought about it. _Really_ thought about it. Michael had said it could be a good distraction and Ashton realised he had a point.

He’d typed out a reply before he knew what he was doing.

**[To MIKE] Sent at 21:25**

**Don’t apologise. But sure I’ll come with you. You’re buying the drinks though. :P x**

As Ashton pressed send, he was seized with a sudden desire to tell Michael _everything_ he’d learnt the day before but he knew Calum would _never_ forgive him if he broke his word, and Michael wouldn’t give Calum the chance to fix things himself. Ashton _knew_ that but it didn’t make things any easier.

By the time he was in his bedroom, he felt anxious again, worried that he was going to regret his decision to go out with Michael, worried that he was going to regret giving Calum six more days, just _worried_.

His breath felt tight in his chest like the air was too thick to breathe. He stumbled over to the window and pushed one side of it open before he collapsed down onto the cushioned seat beneath it, pressing his sore cheek to the cool glass of the pane that was still shut and struggling to catch his breath.

‘ _Just calm down_ ,’ he cautioned himself silently, letting the cool breeze from outside wash over him and tousle his curls. ‘ _Deep breaths and_ –’

That was when Ashton heard the voices for the first time, soft on the wind but growing gradually louder.

He looked up, startled, before he froze when he identified who was arguing.

“ _Luke_ ,” he breathed as the blood drained out of his face.

The blond boy’s window was open just a crack but the curtains were mostly parted and it was enough that Ashton could witness _exactly_ what was about to happen.

Luke was backing away – towards the window, towards _Ashton_ – as his father advanced, _stalking_ him almost, like a wolf after its prey.

“– you’re a pathetic fucking _child_ ,” Andrew Hemmings hissed but Ashton could make out the words and he felt his hands curl into fists. “First that stupid dance show and now _this_? That girl was the best thing that will _ever_ happen to you, you ungrateful little _shit_.”

His fist whipped out and Luke’s head was snapping back with the force of it, even as his arms hung limply by his sides. Ashton felt sick.

“ _WHY DID YOU BREAK UP WITH HER_?!” Andrew suddenly roared, making Ashton jump badly and, abruptly, everything made sense.

‘ _Are you fucking happy now?! You're a fucking idiot, Ashton! You’re fucking welcome to him!_ ’

His eyes were saucers in his head but his palm was flat against the window as he prayed that Luke wouldn’t say the wrong thing, would fight back, would do fucking _anything_ that might not result in him getting hit again.

“Because I’m fucking _gay_ , dad!” Luke screamed.

Everything _stopped_.

Ashton didn’t think his heart was beating anymore and Luke looked _petrified_ as he stood rigidly in front of his father, his chest heaving as his hands clenched and unclenched.

When Ashton looked up at Andrew, a shudder ran through him.

Hatred and disgust and _horror_ seemed to be warring on the older man's face before, suddenly, it iced over.

“ _Luke_ ,” Ashton breathed again, tears running down his face by now despite the fact that he couldn’t remember when they’d started and, although it wasn’t possible, the blond boy stiffened like he’d _heard_ him.

Luke flickered a lightning-fast glance over his shoulder at Ashton which quickly became _much_ longer when his knees seemed to weaken once he saw the older boy sitting frozen there, his hand stretched out on the glass, like he was _reaching_ for him, even as the tears streamed down his face _._

Ashton felt a sob clawing its way out of his chest but it caught in his throat when Andrew grabbed Luke’s shoulder suddenly and wrenched him back around to face him.

“You’re _nothing_ like your brothers, you little _fag_!” Andrew shouted and his fists tightened in Luke’s collar. The blond boy was as limp as a ragdoll in his father’s grip and Ashton wanted nothing more than to _fly_ there, drag Luke away, and hit Andrew until he never hurt Luke again.

Until he never did _anything_ ever again.

When Luke looked his father straight in the eye and said: “I don’t _want_ to be anything like them. I’m fucking _gay_ ”, Ashton realised that maybe he and Calum _weren’t_ the only ones who self-harmed. Maybe Luke did too, except instead of using blades – and Ashton hoped he didn’t more than he hoped for _anything_ in that moment – maybe Luke just provoked his father instead.

It amounted to the same thing after all and, when Andrew’s expression twisted into absolute _fury_ , Ashton flinched.

“ _You’re no son of mine_!” Luke’s father roared.

The words were harsh and Ashton had hardly dared to hope that maybe that would be enough, that maybe Andrew would leave now, but he glared in a way that made Ashton’s _blood_ run cold, and he knew things could never be that simple.

He threw Luke down onto the floor and then all Ashton could see was Andrew’s face twisted with rage and malice as he kicked Luke, _over_ and _over_ again, until Ashton couldn’t hear his soft cries anymore.

Ashton felt icy-cold terror spreading through his veins and it _froze_ him until he was so frightened he couldn’t move at all, couldn’t make a _sound_.

The fear coursing through him was stronger than it had been when Michael had seen his arms and Ashton had found his mother slowly dying on the sofa, and he thought that said a _lot_ about his feelings for Luke.

“ _Please_ , god, no, not Luke, **_please_** ,” he begged desperately, his breathing uneven as a drop of blood rolled down his cheek from the cuts Aleisha had left there.

He barely felt it.

Andrew left a few minutes later but he looked up sharply in the moments before he was out of the door and, when he caught sight of the curly-haired boy staring – mortified and frightened – his face promised a violent death if Ashton ever so much as _breathed_ this to anyone else.

Ashton was fairly certain he didn’t start breathing again until Luke rose shakily, gripping his side and releasing a soft whimper when he tried to straighten up.

Even from the distance apart they were, Ashton could see that Luke’s eyelashes were spiky with tears and his bottom lip was bleeding sluggishly. There was a cut above his eyebrow and a bruise running along his jaw, and that was only his _face_.

Ashton dread to think what the rest of him looked like right about now.

The curly-haired boy was already reaching for his mobile – and he didn’t know _who_ he was going to call, maybe the police or an ambulance, or maybe just _Luke_ so they didn’t have to shout because that might risk Andrew overhearing and thundering upstairs again – but Luke looked up at him and his ocean-blue eyes were desperate and, more than anything else, _ashamed_.

He hurt to look at.

“ _Please don’t_ ,” the younger boy breathed before he pulled his window and the curtains shut roughly, letting out a tiny cry of pain when the movement pulled his ribs, and Ashton felt his heart clench in his chest.

First Calum wouldn't let him help and now Luke. Ashton couldn’t _do_ this and –

 **No**. He _wouldn’t_ do this.

Ashton knew Luke would _never_ forgive him if he called the police or an ambulance and, as much as it repulsed Ashton to leave things as they were, he knew the blond boy could deal with this because, despite how much Ashton _hated_ to admit it, Luke _had_ had worse before.

But that didn’t mean Ashton was going to sit around and do _nothing_ though so, instead, he eased his mobile phone the rest of the way out of his pocket and shakily dialled a number he’d been pointedly ignoring since over half a year ago.

When the phone was picked up a few moments later, he hesitated before he reminded himself that Luke’s safety would _always_ come before his feelings for Ashton.

That was when he _knew_ he had no other choice.

“Hello?” the familiar voice asked, crackly over the line, and the curly-haired boy’s heart was trying to escape his chest now.

“Hi, Jane. This is Ashton Irwin,” he said and he heard the small surprised sound that escaped her in the moments before she became professional again.

“Hi, Ashton. It’s not really office hours, is it?” Jane sounded a little worried. “What can I help you with?”

Ashton took a deep, _deep_ breath and tried to tell himself that this was the only way, and that it didn't _matter_ that Andrew would be _livid_ with him if - no, _when_ \- he found out.

“I’m calling about a friend of mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummmmm yeah i think i covered everything in the note at the beginning.  
> sorry.  
> please let me know what you thought??


	88. No Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Suddenly he was closer,_ so _much closer, with his face pressed to Ashton’s neck. His stubble scratched the soft skin there and Ashton bit down on his lip to suppress his whimper._  
>  _He didn’t want this to happen anymore. He didn’t want it at_ all _._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning - this is where the tag "Extremely Dubious Consent" comes into play. Once you've read this, if anyone has any ideas as to what other tags I need to add, I'd be really really grateful because I don't want to upset anybody.  
> Hope this is okay.

**_In the corners of your room,_ **

**_I've seen your face,_ **

**_A thousand times or more._ **

_\- Cars And Cars, The Nits_

 

Thursday and Friday seemed to take forever to pass, and Ashton drifted through school and work in a fog of wretchedness and despair as, with every passing moment, something new to worry about seemed to make itself apparent.

He felt jumpy and permanently on edge, and it was doing absolutely _nothing_ to lessen his anxiety.

Calum seemed to be avoiding Ashton and Michael at school which worried the older boy _immensely_ , and he’d seen neither hide nor hair of Luke which frightened him even _more_.

The only communication he’d even _had_ from Luke the day after Ashton had made the phone call to the social worker was a text that simply said: ‘ **I trusted you** ’.

He’d cried himself to sleep the night before when he’d received that text, sure that he’d ruined _everything_ , even if, the next morning, his nan and grandpa were talking in hushed voices about Mr. Hemmings from next door being taken away by the police in the night before a paramedic fly car showed up to take Luke away too, and how _neither_ of them had been brought back home again.

Thinking about it was making Ashton’s head hurt and, in the end, although he had had a _lot_ of reservations about it, clubbing with Michael seemed like it was going to be _just_ what he needed to take his mind off the utter _crap_ all of his loved ones seemed to be dealing with at the moment.

Maybe that was why he was throwing drinks back like there was no tomorrow.

He’d felt sick when Michael had pressed the first drink into his hand, despite his text message. He’d felt panic flaring up inside him like a hot air balloon because what if he drank _too much_ and ended up like his _mother_ or something?

Michael had brushed his jaw with his knuckles gently and given him a soft look though, like he understood what the older boy was thinking, and Ashton had forced himself to relax and down the electric blue liquid in a single gulp.

Everything felt a bit fuzzy now but it wasn’t _unpleasant_. It just wasn’t _enough_.

He could still remember everything that was worrying him, could still see Luke’s bleeding face and Calum’s gaunt expression staring out at him from the dark corners of the crowded club, and maybe _that_ explained why the desperate need to distract himself and _forget_ was quite so powerful tonight.

He was dressed in a thin, long-sleeved black shirt and dark skinny jeans with a grey bandana tying his curls back, as per Michael’s suggestion, but he didn’t think he really looked like anything special. It was dark in the club and he figured no one could really see him but there were a few people giving him what could almost be described as  _suggestive_ looks which was just _weird_ because no one but _Luke_ ever looked at him like that and –

That thought proved too painful to continue.

“Stop thinking so much!” Michael yelled to him over the music before he grabbed Ashton by the elbow and towed him out into the centre of the club.

The crowd was moving around them, crammed into the too-small room as music blared from the speakers, and Michael was torn from his side in _seconds_.

Luckily though, Ashton had drank _just_ enough that he could cope with all the people, even if the flashing lights combined with the alcohol _were_ making his head spin, and everything was starting to take on a hazy quality now as the crowd pressed in closer.

Hands found their way onto Ashton’s waist and they were too big to be Michael’s, too _unfamiliar_ , and the curly-haired boy tensed up at first because who the _hell_ thought they were allowed to touch him –

And then he remembered that he was supposed to be having fun and distracting himself, trying not to think about _Luke_ and Calum and how fucked up his whole life was, so maybe this was just what he _needed_.

The song changed as Ashton twisted to face the stranger and those large unfamiliar hands slipped down to grab his arse and pull him closer. Ashton couldn’t see much of the man in the darkness of the club – just black hair and dark eyes and short stubble.

“Hi, gorgeous,” the man called to him over the music and someone pushed Ashton from behind, forcing him even _closer_ to the stranger. His heart was beating hard but it wasn’t a _pleasant_ sensation.

He had a bad feeling about this.

“ _Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air. I know I can count on you._ ”

“Hiya,” Ashton made himself say back, glancing up at the _much_ taller man through his eyelashes.

“ _Sometimes I feel like saying ‘Lord I just don’t care’, but you’ve got the love I need to see me through_.”

The man smiled down at Ashton with too many teeth, keeping one arm wrapped firmly around Ashton’s waist, so he had no chance of escape.

‘ _No, stop being stupid! This is a distraction. It’s a **good** distraction. This is what you wanted._’

“So, sweetheart, can I buy you a drink?” the man asked and Ashton hadn’t even opened his mouth to reply when the man smoothly led him towards the exit. Ashton caught a glimpse of Michael’s surprisingly anxious face through the crowd but it was hidden from sight in seconds. “Or would you rather we just got out of here?”

“I – okay,” Ashton breathed and the man smiled at him like a shark as he guided him through the dancing bodies and into the quieter corridor outside. It was darker out there and the fire doors at the end were open, letting in a cool breeze.

Briefly, Ashton thought he heard Michael calling for him as a snatch of the song drifted out into the corridor.

“ _Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough, and things go wrong no matter what I do_.”

Ashton stumbled over the threshold as the man led him out into the dark and his head spun drunkenly when the cold air rushed to meet him.

“Whoops. Careful,” the man grinned and he was warm when the night was cold, and Ashton found himself pressing a little closer, despite his misgivings. “So what’s your name, babe?”

Ashton’s skin crawled because it was so, _so_ different when Luke called him that.

“I – _no_ ,” Ashton stammered and the man’s smile twisted a little as he let the fire doors clang shut.

“So you want it like that then, yeah?”

Suddenly he was closer, _so_ much closer, with his face pressed to Ashton’s neck. His stubble scratched the soft skin there and Ashton bit down on his lip to suppress his whimper.

He didn’t want this to happen anymore. He didn’t want it at _all_.

When the stranger tilted the younger boy’s head up and licked hotly into his mouth, Ashton’s knees felt weak, but he was _not_ getting anything out of it. The stranger’s stubble was burning his face and he was gripping Ashton’s arse hard and _squeezing_ in the moments before he pressed Ashton firmly up against the wall behind the club.

There was no one else around – Ashton couldn’t even hear any _cars_ – and when the man pulled away, only to duck his head and bite at Ashton’s neck, the curly-haired boy felt a familiar terror flood him, and he realised he wouldn’t be able to run away this time.

“You want this?” the stranger breathed hotly against Ashton’s throat, his teeth nipping at the skin there as he spoke. Ashton’s knees were _trembling_ now, shaking so hard that the only thing still holding him up was the man in front of him, and the little voice in Ashton’s head was crying ‘ _no no no no **no**_ ’ and Ashton didn’t feel drunk anymore.

He felt _terrified_.

But he let him though. He fucking _let_ him.

"I... _alright_."

The very _moment_ the words were out of his mouth, there was dirt against his palms and the cold night air was biting at his skin, and when he felt a truly _horrible_ burning sensation – so different from that night with Luke that it felt like a different act _entirely_ – his breath caught in his throat and he felt hot tears forming in his eyes.

When the burning was replaced with something blunter and fucking _agonising_ , Ashton choked on a sob as he bit down hard on his knuckles again, drawing blood like he’d done that night after his first kiss with Luke and –

God, _Luke_.

Ashton closed his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought and, as I mentioned earlier, if you can think of any other tags I need to add to ensure that you're all safe and stuff, I'd be really very grateful.  
> Thank you <3


	89. Blue Burning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton wanted to go to Michael, to help him, to drag him away from the fight if necessary, but he couldn’t find the energy to stand up. His cheek was still pressed to the dirt and his mouth still tasted of blood, and the cold was seeping through his clothes and settling in his bones, and he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so angsty oh my god

_**Under your stars tonight,** _

_**And I am so overwhelmed,** _

_**By a thousand broken wings.** _

_\- Broken Wings, Flyleaf_

 

Ashton had swapped from his torn knuckles to biting his forearm now in an effort to keep silent, and there was blood trickling down his arm – he could taste it on his tongue. He tried to lose himself in the sting of it – he tried so _hard_ – but it just wasn’t _possible_.

He was trying not to see him, hear him, _feel_ him. He was trying to pretend he was absolutely _anywhere_ else but it wasn’t working. His nails were still clawing at the dirt and he still felt like someone was trying to rip him in two, and the shame and nausea and sheer _terror_ flooding his system had burnt away the last remnants of alcohol now until everything was crystal clear.

Maybe _that_ was why Ashton heard the fire doors being slammed open before the stranger did.

“Ashton?” Michael’s voice drifted between sounding soft and far away, and loud and so clear that it sounded like he was standing just around the corner. Ashton felt panic flood through him, now that he was no longer trying to stifle it.

He was torn between desperately wanting Michael to help him and for the red-haired boy to stay wherever he was, because Ashton couldn’t stand the thought of someone seeing him like this, seeing him so… so vulnerable and… and _weak_ (and sure, he knew _logically_ that that was a stupid thing to think but he couldn’t be reasonable when he felt like every tiny thing he’d achieved over the last six months was being slowly torn away from him with each burning stab of pain).

“ _Ash_?!” Michael was starting to sound panicky now and Ashton closed his eyes as the ground pressed against his cheek. He could feel the faint tug of it pulling at the scratches Aleisha had left there on the night where Ashton had ruined everything, and he pressed his eyes even more tightly shut because he’d cried at the beginning but now he didn’t want to give the man the satisfaction.

“ _No_! Ashton! _No, no, no_! **Stop**!” Michael suddenly cried and the guy’s hand was pressing down on the back of Ashton’s neck, keeping his face pressed to the floor, but he could just see Michael’s feet fast approaching through the tears and dirt, and then the man was gone, heaved away from Ashton and slammed into the wall, and the curly-haired boy’s cry of pain wasn’t discreet enough because Michael choked on a sob and drove his fist straight into the stranger’s stomach.

The man doubled up with a groan but he still swung back at Michael, catching the red-haired boy straight in the face, busting his lip and making Michael spit blood.

Ashton wanted to go to Michael, to help him, to drag him away from the fight if necessary, but he couldn’t find the energy to stand up. His cheek was still pressed to the dirt and his mouth still tasted of blood, and the cold was seeping through his clothes and settling in his bones, and he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

“What the hell is _wrong_ with you, kid?!” the stranger demanded, pushing Michael away if the faint scuffling sound that reached the curly-haired boy’s ears was anything to go by.

“Get _away_ from him!” Michael tried to shout but his voice cracked and there were tears blurring his vision. To make his point though, he gave the stranger another hard shove and, this time, the man let himself be pushed back a little.

“ _But_ –” For the first time, Ashton heard how _wasted_ the man sounded. Ashton felt the guy stumble a little drunkenly when Michael gave him another push and his foot landed on Ashton’s ankle, and it _hurt_ but the smaller boy didn’t have it in him to try to get away. “He… he said he _wanted_ it…”

Michael’s forced, watery laugh threatened murder.

“Does that _look_ like someone who fucking _wanted_ it?!” he snapped and Ashton could feel their eyes on him and a shudder ran through him because this was too much.

 _Far_ too much.

He wanted to cover himself up so that they couldn’t see him anymore. He wanted the man to leave and for Michael to take him home now, and for neither of them to ever mention it again. He wanted to fall asleep and _never_ wake up again, so he didn't have to think about this for even a _second_ longer.

Only one of those wishes came true in the end.

The man took one look at Ashton sobbing as he lay limply on the ground and he was _gone_ , disappearing into the darkness at a run without even another _word_.

Michael dropped down onto his knees beside Ashton but he didn’t touch him at first. Ashton just let his head roll to the side, trying to ignore the ache in his neck from where the man had been holding him down – the ache _everywhere_ that he was trying not to even _comprehend_ – and he saw that the red-haired boy’s emerald eyes were gleaming with tears in the moonlight.

“ _Mike_ ,” Ashton murmured but his voice rasped in his throat, sore from crying. He could still taste blood.

Michael’s expression crumpled but he cautiously helped Ashton right his clothing when he saw the smaller boy struggling with it, and Ashton was light enough that it was fairly easy to help him into a sitting position. Michael apparently didn’t miss the wince that escaped Ashton because his face screwed up further and he sniffed hard to hide a sob.

“Oh, _Ash_ ,” he breathed and Ashton closed his eyes. He didn’t want sympathy now – he couldn’t _stand_ it – but, at the same time, he was clinging to Michael like he was never going to see him again, his trembling hands knotted tightly into the thin material of the red-haired boy's shirt as he shook like a leaf.

“ _Shhh_ , baby, _shhh_ ,” Michael breathed soothingly when Ashton gave a broken sob and slumped forwards to hide his face in his best friend’s neck. Michael’s hands rubbed gentle, calming patterns on Ashton’s back and, although he flinched, he didn’t pull away.

“It’s okay. I _promise_ it’s going to be okay, Ash. I’ll _make_ it okay. I _will_ ,” Michael murmured as he drew back to carefully brush away the tears rolling down Ashton’s cheeks with his thumbs.

He cupped Ashton’s face gently and the older boy stared at him with wide, glassy eyes, still wet with tears. Michael bit his bleeding lip, clearly trying hard not to cry himself.

Ashton was _numb_ – the only exception being that terrible burning ache that was only growing _worse_ – but he felt a tear slide down his cheek when Michael exhaled shakily and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.

“Have you got your phone with you, Ash?” Michael murmured, winding one of his arms very gently around Ashton’s waist when a shudder ran through the older boy's narrow frame. “I didn’t bring mine and we need to call the po–”

“No police,” Ashton begged, his voice even hoarser now because the sobs just wouldn’t stop. “ _Please_ , Mikey. _Please_.”

He couldn’t _stand_ the thought of sitting in front of some grim-faced police officer and reliving this. The thought of it made bile rise in his throat and he was suddenly regretting drinking so much because the alcohol was burning on its way out and he had slumped forwards again and Michael’s hand was resting comfortingly on his back but it was the same as _before_ and – and –

“Alright,” Michael whispered once Ashton was done, his voice thick and choked up, like he was trying not to cry again. “It… it’s your choice, Ash, but… we _need_ to get you checked over, okay?” The red-haired boy sniffed and Ashton clung to him, ducking his head to keep his face hidden.

“ _Okay_ ,” he breathed and, apparently relieved, Michael got his feet beneath him and helped Ashton stand slowly. The older boy moaned softly, cringing when the tears in his eyes boiled over again, but he couldn’t _help_ it. It just hurt so fucking _much_.

“It’ll be okay, Ash, I _promise_ ,” Michael repeated desperately, even though it wouldn’t. It really, _really_ wouldn’t.

Ashton didn’t feel like it would be ever _again_. He didn’t feel anything at all, except _pain_ and _shame_.

“This way, Ash,” Michael mumbled, keeping his arm wrapped firmly around the smaller boy’s waist as he led him forwards carefully.

Ashton was limping, his cheeks stained a dark red – as dark as the blood still dripping sluggishly down his arm and cheek – and even though Ashton _tried_ to tell himself that it was just because his ankle hurt from the guy stepping on it after Michael had pushed him, he _knew_ there was more to it than that, because Ashton could _feel_ a pain deep inside him like nothing else, and it was making him want to throw up again.

“C’mon, Ash,” Michael breathed out, his lips brushing Ashton’s forehead so lightly because he didn’t know how else to comfort him. Ashton still shuddered though, letting his head hang forwards, _away_ from Michael, even as he pressed closer to the taller boy, craving his warmth. “Not far now.”

It was only when they got round to the front of the club, where the music was louder and the occasional passers-by gave a pale-faced Ashton and a bleeding Michael wary looks, that the red-haired boy suddenly paled.

"I can't drive," he mumbled and he looked like he felt _sick_. Ashton simply hung there in his arms, his curls tumbling forwards out of his bandana to hide his ashen face. "I'm over the limit, Ash. I can't drive."

Ashton wondered if he should feel anxious or scared about that but he just _didn't_. He felt empty, like all of his thoughts were swirling around like a maelstrom but they hadn't settled down yet; the calm before the storm almost.

"It's gonna be okay, Ash," Michael mumbled, giving Ashton's hip a comforting squeeze without thinking and cringing when the smaller boy whimpered. "Look, I'll just call someone on your phone and - wait, you didn't have yours, did you?" Ashton didn't have to look up to see that Michael was only a few shades less pale than _he_ was now. "Um... I... I don't know what to do..."

The words were barely out of his mouth when his grip on Ashton's waist suddenly tightened, like something had surprised him. Ashton bit down hard on his lip to suppress another whimper.

" _Luke_!" Michael shouted, waving his free hand around as Ashton clung to Michael, abruptly terrified.

He didn't want Luke to see him like this, _after_ this. He couldn't think of anything _worse_ in that moment.

When Luke looked over at them from where he'd been walking on the other side of the road, Ashton finally felt something coursing through him that was _stronger_ than the hot, bubbling shame and self-loathing: _horror_.

When the blond boy looked up sharply at the call of his name and saw who it was, his cheeks flushed angrily and he looked defensive.

"I don't want to talk to _him_!" Luke shouted across the road, his voice raised over the music, and Ashton felt something wither up and die inside of him. "He can just piss right off and -"

Ashton saw the moment when Luke realised that something was wrong.

"Oh my god," the blond boy mumbled - Ashton saw his thin lips form the words, the black lip-ring glinting in the streetlights - and then Luke was stumbling across the road, holding his side tightly like his ribs were still hurting him from a few days previously and squaring his jaw like he was determined to hide the pain, and Ashton could see the bruises and the cuts littering the youngest boy's pale face when he passed beneath a streetlight.

"Ash?" Luke whispered when he was close, his soft hands gently tilting Ashton's face this way and that, taking in his kiss-bitten lips and bruised neck, the blood on his mouth and dripping slowly down his arm. Ashton took a half-step towards Luke, limping heavily and apparently on autopilot, and crumpled against the blond boy's chest. Luke was holding him tightly as he rubbed his back, stroking Ashton's curls when the smaller boy tucked his face away into Luke's neck, inhaling the familiar scent.

"What happened?" Luke asked, his question hopefully directed at the red-haired boy since Ashton wasn't planning on speaking anytime soon, and he did his best to ignore Michael's mumbled: "Something awful..."

With every word spoken, Luke grew tenser and more upset, but Ashton did his best to let the words go right over his head, both figuratively and literally. His shaking hands fisted more tightly into the back of the thin coat Luke was wearing and it was only when the tears in Ashton's eyes soaked Luke's t-shirt that the older boy realised he was still sobbing, had never _stopped_ sobbing.

Anger and embarrassment and sheer _desperation_ unfurled inside of him, hot and nauseating, and Ashton had to beat the flames down before they could consume him.

His whole frame was shaking with sobs and Luke's arms only tightened around him in response, and Ashton looked up at Luke warily through his eyelashes, only to see Luke gazing back down at him like his heart was tearing itself apart.

Michael had told him, it seemed.

"Oh my _god_ ," Luke murmured brokenly, his beautiful ocean-blue eyes red with tears. "Ash, _no, no, no_. Oh my _god_."

His hands slipped up to cup Ashton's face again and Luke rested his forehead gently against the smaller boy's as he tried to regain control of his breathing.

"I..." Michael sounded awkward as he hovered nearby and Ashton reached back to take his hand, gripping it tightly enough that it probably _hurt_. Michael didn't say anything though. "Ash says he doesn't want to go to the... the police but... but I thought he should go to the hospital, y'know?"

Luke looked torn but he still held Ashton closer when he let out a muffled sob and turned his face away into Luke's shoulder.

"Looks like you need to go to the hospital too, Mike," Luke mumbled, apparently looking at his still-bleeding lip. The red-haired boy shook his head though, uncomfortable.

"I'll just ring my uncle - I'll be fine. Ash _really_ needs to go to the hospital though. I... I can't drive him. I'm over the limit. Uh... Do you want to take him and let me know how... how it goes or..." Michael frowned suddenly. "Wait, how did _you_ even get here? You're not driving yet, right?"

"No," Luke sighed and Ashton clung to him tighter, feeling relief course through him when Luke's arms tightened around him and kept him from shaking apart. "My aunt gave me a lift. I told her I wanted to walk a bit, clear my head. She... she wasn't thrilled but..."

Luke looked down at Ashton, blue burning into hazel, and spoke only to him.

"That's where I'm staying for now... until I'm eighteen I think. Then I can leave."

The curly-haired boy's heart _squeezed_ in his chest.

"I'm sorry," Ashton whispered and his body was still aching with pain but that wasn't why his eyes were clouding with tears.

"We don't need to talk about this _now_ , Ash," Luke said softly but his voice was shaking and Michael's hand clapped down on the younger boy's shoulder comfortingly. "Let me call us a taxi."

Luke and Michael sat down on a low wall nearby with Ashton cushioned between them, and even though their presences were comforting and protective, the darkness pressed in closer until Ashton couldn't see through the tears.

It was a long, _long_ wait for the taxi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to issue a public apology for this.


	90. Torn The Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _As the streetlights flickered by outside and the silence in the car grew once more, Ashton thought back to a football practice session Calum had run last autumn, and he thought that if he’d felt empty then, he was_ dead _now, a withered-out husk that couldn’t support life anymore._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so SO angsty and I'm really sorry about that.  
> Also, for some reason, it's kind of short, even though it took me _hours_ to write it... I don't know why that is...  
>  Hopefully this is okay though :)  
> Enjoy!

**_I had a dream the other night,_ **

**_About how we only get one life._ **

**_Woke me up right after two,_ **

**_Stayed awake and stared at you,_ **

**_So I wouldn't lose my mind._ **

_\- Something I Need, OneRepublic_

 

The taxi was quiet on the way to the hospital.

The driver had quickly realised that there was no point even _trying_ to make conversation and the silence that followed this realisation was tense and strained, punctuated only by the occasional wrecked sob from Ashton.

The curly-haired boy was still sitting between Michael and Luke, doing his best to ignore the concerned gaze of the taxi driver in the mirror because he didn’t need someone _else_ fearfully watching him like he was going to _break_ at any moment.

Luke’s arm was wrapped firmly around Ashton’s trembling shoulders as the car sped along through the darkness, as smooth and hushed as a ghost.

Ashton was throbbing with pain but it was the humiliation he could feel tainting him that quickened his breathing and kept the boiling tears from drying on his cheeks.

In the end, it was something stupid that made Ashton lose it completely.

He’d wrinkled his nose because his mouth tasted _really_ unpleasant by that point – and honestly, with a mixture of alcohol, blood and sick, no one could blame him – and Michael had passed him a stick of slightly squashed chewing gum at the same time as Luke had stroked his curls away from his sweaty forehead.

Ashton must have sounded a bit like he was dying because the taxi driver gave a panicked-sounding squawk and hurriedly informed them that they’d be at the hospital in a few minutes. The man’s foot was heavy on the gas and he darted through several amber lights.

Nobody said anything.

None of them even _spoke_ until the taxi came to a stop outside the hospital and Luke pushed twenty dollars through the window with a mumbled thank you.

“Take care,” the taxi driver said and his eyes were concerned before he scribbled his number down on a bit of paper, passing it to Luke. “This is my personal number. Call me if you need a lift, yeah? I don’t like to think of you kids out on your own, just getting into any old car…” His eyes flickered to Ashton and away again, his brows creasing when the curly-haired boy drew in a shuddering breath and fought for control of his breathing.

“Thank you, sir,” Luke said seriously, still apparently choked-up, but Michael tugged him away and Ashton was crying harder, and the car was gone, two dull headlights fading away into obscurity.

“C’mon, you two,” Michael said roughly as he reached unthinkingly for them both, only to wince when Ashton cringed away with a startled whimper before, slowly, he half- _forced_ himself to hold the extended hand.

“ _Really_ hate hospitals,” Luke mumbled, his expression darkening as they walked through the automatic doors and into the brightly lit reception area.

Ashton wanted to comfort Luke and tell him that he’d look after him but he couldn’t even look after _himself_ these days, let alone the people closest to him.

When he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, it smelt like losing his mum.

“I’m gonna ask the lady at the desk to call my uncle,” Michael decided as the three of them stood just inside the doors so that they hissed shut. It was much warmer in the reception area but Ashton was still trembling, and the lights in the room were almost too bright to look at.

Ashton caught one glimpse down at himself – his ripped shirt, his bleeding knuckles and arm, and the dirt caked under his nails – and he felt his stomach turn again.

Suddenly the chewing gum didn’t seem like such a great idea and, frowning, Ashton wriggled out of the arm the blond boy had gently curled around him to drop it into the bin.

It was only when Michael bent to press a fleeting kiss to Ashton’s forehead before he crossed over to the receptionist that Ashton realised Luke had let Michael hold his hand.

“ _Luke_ ,” Ashton breathed shakily when he saw both the receptionist and Michael looking towards him with concern. His heart pounded unevenly in his chest. “Luke, I’m scared.”

The blond boy let out a small hurt sound as he brought Ashton gently to his chest, rubbing his back soothingly as the older boy melted into his grip. Ashton’s breathing slowly calmed and the sobs were closer to hiccups now, and although he could still feel the turmoil inside of him, it was calm for now, like storm clouds that hadn’t yet torn the sky apart with lightning and thunder.

When Graham Clifford appeared with a sad, apprehensive expression on his kind face, Ashton felt the tears begin to roll down his cheeks again like rain, and if it had been a monsoon before, it was only drizzle now, light enough that Ashton still felt _numb_.

The awful, hollow _deadness_ he felt spreading inside of him only increased over the next few hours and, by the time he and Luke were once more sitting side by side in the same taxi as before, there was little panic left in his system now.

Instead, there was a raw pain – a _sickness_ almost – buried deep beneath layer after layer of _nothing_.

As the streetlights flickered by outside and the silence in the car grew once more, Ashton thought back to a football practice session Calum had run last autumn, and he thought that if he’d felt empty then, he was _dead_ now, a withered-out husk that couldn’t support life anymore.

Ashton had been _bursting_ with life then – his heart had raced in his chest and his nerves had crackled with his very _existence_.

Ashton couldn’t remember what that was like anymore.

His head felt heavy and he was still aching in a way that made him feel _sick_ , but that was where he stamped down on his emotions and kept them hidden.

‘ _Later_ ,’ he kept telling himself, every time a tiny tendril of panic escaped and threatened to tear apart his perfect numbness. ‘ _Later you can feel again. **Later**._ ’

The exhaustion hit him suddenly and he didn’t so much fall asleep on Luke as he passed out on him, only to jolt upright almost immediately as the tears started to course down his cheeks again, his breath shuddering in his chest.

“Breathe, Ash. _Breathe_ ,” Luke intoned softly, his voice trembling. “C’mon now. We’re there, see? You’re home.”

Luke’s voice shook even harder when he happened to glance towards his old house and, despite the hell going on in Ashton’s head, hidden beneath a frosty façade of _nothing_ , he still gripped Luke’s cold hand tightly in his own.

Some situations _weren’t_ easier to deal with alone… and maybe this was one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> I'm aiming for one more chapter set during the same evening and then we're back into this horrible horrible fic. (I'm so sorry, seriously.)  
> Also, if it makes you feel any better, you don't hate me for writing this as much as I hate myself...


	91. The Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He needed Luke though, needed him close where he could feel him and know without a doubt that he was safe now, far away from the man who had hurt him so much, even if it meant Luke seeing him in the state he was now, when he was about as far from strong and composed as it was possible to get._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This just made me very fucking sad basically. Sorry.

**_Your skin,_ **

**_Oh yeah your skin and bones,_ **

**_Turn into,_ **

**_Something beautiful,_ **

**_And you know,_ **

**_For you I’d bleed myself dry._ **

_\- Yellow, Coldplay_

 

It was dark and quiet in the house.

Ashton couldn’t remember if his grandparents and the little ones were home tonight or staying away for the weekend like they did occasionally. He didn’t know and he didn’t care.

He _couldn’t_ care.

“Ash,” Luke breathed and he kept his voice low as the pair stood in the darkness of the large entrance hall. Everything seemed to echo and Ashton clung to Luke, even as humiliation bubbled through him.

“Are you _sure_ you don’t want to call the police?” Luke checked and, when Ashton paled and shook his head furiously, Luke’s shoulders slumped a little. “Okay then. Well… well, let’s get you cleaned up then.” Ashton’s cheeks flamed and Luke pressed a chaste kiss to his forehead. “You clean your teeth and I’ll sort the shower out, okay?” Ashton hesitated before he nodded, taking Luke’s outstretched hand hesitantly in his own.

He yawned and swayed on his feet, and everything was a little bit blurry after that as his exhaustion washed over him.

Ashton was vaguely aware of Luke leading him quietly up the stairs and pressing his toothbrush into his hand, and then the sound of water running met his ears and Luke was crouching down in front of him, his beautiful ocean-blue eyes blurring out of focus beneath the harsh lights in the bathroom as he said: “Ash, you need to take your clothes off.”

Ashton felt panic surge through him more strongly but he fought against it because this was _Luke_ , and Luke would never do _anything_ to hurt him.

“I’ll just go wait for you in your room or something, okay? I’ll be right in there –“

“ _Stay_.”

Ashton had choked the word out before he’d even considered it but, when Luke looked at him for a long, _long_ moment before nodding unhappily, Ashton knew he’d made the right decision.

When Luke slipped his shirt over his head and let it fall to the floor with an apprehensive expression on his face, Ashton realised he’d never seen Luke shirtless in the _light_ before.

There were bruises and half-healed cuts and _scars_ littering Luke’s chest, and Ashton felt a sob building in his throat because, even after everything he’d been through, he _still_ hated Andrew Hemmings more than he hated anyone else in the world.

“What?” Luke asked, a bit defensively almost, but Ashton looked past the marks, saw the lean muscles and the pale rosy skin with the delicate, almost- _silvery_ hairs beneath, and he sounded choked up when he gasped out: “You’re _so_ fucking _beautiful_ , Lukey.”

A tear rolled down the blond boy’s cheek but he seemed to be trying to control himself as he put his hand under the spray of water.

“It’s warm enough, Ash,” he mumbled, his cheeks flaming as he fiddled with the waistband of his jeans. “Are you getting in or…?”

In the end, it wasn’t actually that hard.

It felt so _nice_ to get out of his muddy, blood-stained clothes and kick them into the corner of the bathroom that he barely even _panicked_ when Luke took his hand to help him climb into the shower too.

It was disgusting at first, with blood and mud draining away beneath them and blooming in the water there like grisly flowers, but Ashton’s mouth tasted of mint now and Luke was a warm, steady weight behind him.

“I still love you, Ash,” Luke said softly as he settled his chin hesitantly on the smaller boy’s wide, shaking shoulders, and he’d _probably_ been intending to cheer Ashton up, to comfort him, but all it did was make the smaller boy cry harder.

Ashton still felt unsteady on his feet and Luke’s arms wrapping gently around his waist to keep him upright caused mixed feelings, because Ashton _half_ wanted to tear away from him and escape, but a stronger part settled back against Luke and rested his head on the taller boy’s shoulder because this was _very_ different to a dark alley behind a nightclub, and he felt _safe_ here… with **Luke**.

Ashton could hear his own sobs but he still felt numb, like he couldn’t _quite_ believe what had happened, but the proof was in the blood dissipating in the hot water lapping around their feet as it was sucked down the drain.

Ashton preferred it in the shower. The water was hot, almost _burning_ as it washed away all of the grime that he no longer wanted to think about, and the steady pound of it against the tiles meant that conversation wasn’t easy. He liked it in there. It was like an escape from reality, even if it _was_ only for a little while.

All too soon though, the shower was over and Luke was helping him climb out – and the burn that movement caused tore a low cry of pain from Ashton before he could _stop_ himself - and then Luke was wrapping them in towels and ducking his head to press another kiss to the end of Ashton’s nose this time, and Ashton still loved him too.

When they got back to Ashton’s room, they left the main light off but switched the lamp on because the shadowy recesses in the corners of the room were making Ashton feel sick with panic now, and he didn’t think he’d be able to calm down enough to _sleep_ without a light on, despite his fatigue.

“Won’t your aunt mind you not going… home?” It was the first question Ashton had asked him since they’d been reunited and the blond boy looked surprised for a moment, before he just looked sad again.

“I texted her when you were getting checked over, Ash. She knows I’m staying here tonight.”

Ashton nodded slowly, taking in Luke’s damp hair as he shivered in his towel. Ashton knew he couldn’t look much better and that sent another shudder running through him because he felt _very_ exposed like this.

“Clothes,” he mumbled, even as his breathing gradually crept towards ragged. “I’ll… I’ll find us some.”

He limped across the room and rummaged around in his wardrobe before he withdrew with several garments bundled up under one arm. Ashton tried to avoid his reflection in the mirror again but it wasn't only because he was scared of scars this time. It was because he didn’t want to see the haunted look he could feel growing on his face.

Ashton’s breathing was rough and more uneven by the time he made it back to the bed, only to find Luke still standing where he’d been left, his blue eyes wide and sad and loving and, more than anything else, _frightened_.

“Here you go,” Ashton said shakily, tossing a pair of sweatpants and a t—shirt at the younger boy for him to change into. Luke fumbled them and they fell to the floor, and Ashton’s laugh was brittle and wrecked.

“Hey,” he said suddenly when Luke picked up the sweatpants. Ashton didn’t know _why_ he was acting this way but he was gripped with a desperate desire to lighten the mood, no matter _how_ impossible that seemed at the moment. “Hey, Luke. _Community service_.”

A bubble of slightly hysterical laughter escaped Luke and he smiled like his heart was breaking in his chest.

“Nice one, Ash,” Luke muttered, his bright eyes gleaming with hot tears as he turned around to let Ashton get changed.

The silence was punctuated with the soft sound of clothes being wriggled into and Ashton’s breath catching in sobs, and when Luke started singing softly to comfort him, it felt almost second nature for a wave of calm to wash over Ashton, soothing the raw pain he could feel but taking a little of the numbness with it, like waves rolling back out to sea.

“ _But if I kiss you, will your mouth read this truth_?” Luke’s voice was purposefully soft and calm, and he seemed to finally have stopped shaking, and Ashton felt a little of the tension bleed out of him, like slowly-melting ice. “ _Darling, how I miss you. Strawberries taste how lips do._ ”

Ashton straightened his soft grey t-shirt, for once uncaring that his arms were bare, because sure, maybe there _were_ still fresh cuts there that felt hot to the touch, but it was nothing that Luke hadn’t seen before, and he _still_ accepted Ashton, again and again, perhaps withdrawing sometimes but always rushing back in, like the tide.

Luke was like the _tide_.

“ _And it’s not complete yet, mustn’t get our feet wet, ‘cause that leads to regret, diving in too soon_.”

The lamplight was a gentle, warm glow on the bedside table, painting the dark blue room in watery hues, and the window was cracked open, letting in a gentle breeze that made the thin curtains ripple like they were underwater.

When Ashton pulled the grey duvet back and gestured for Luke to climb in, the blond boy did so at once, settling down on the left side of the bed – _his_ side of the bed – and opening his arms hesitantly for the smaller boy.

Ashton climbed up more warily, burrowing down in Luke’s arms and curling up against the taller boy’s chest. One of Luke’s hands weaved gently through Ashton’s still-damp curls while the other rubbed a comforting pattern on his chest, having the fortunate effect of gradually calming Ashton’s breathing.

“ _And I’ll owe it all to you, oh, my little bird_.”

Ashton twisted in Luke’s grip, turning over so that he could see the blond boy. Their legs were tangled together beneath the duvet and there was a dull, throbbing ache in Ashton’s lower back which he knew would be _so_ much worse the next morning, but right now Luke’s hands were stroking his back gently and the circumstances were different enough that he managed not to cringe away.

Ashton’s large hands drifted up to shakily cup Luke’s cheeks, cradling his bruised face gently between palms calloused from playing the drums. It had been _months_ since Ashton had last played.

Luke looked mildly concerned when Ashton let a sob emerge once more but he kept examining Luke’s face intently, taking in everything that he could see: the tiny scar on the bridge of his nose and the way the flecks of silver in his irises _glittered_ when he was trying not to cry.

Ashton kissed him once, hard, before he wriggled away, only crying harder. He didn’t know what he wanted – or maybe he only knew what he _didn’t_ want, and that thought sent a thrill of dread through him – but it wasn’t this. Not now.

He _needed_ Luke though, needed him close where he could feel him and know without a _doubt_ that he was safe, far away from the man who had hurt him so much, even if it meant Luke seeing him in the state he was in at the moment, when he was about as far from strong and composed as it was possible to _get_.

“ _I… I didn’t_ –”

Luke looked upset. “Ashton, _none_ of this is your fault and –”

“I didn’t say _no_ , Luke,” he whispered, shame-faced.

Luke’s expression became grim but his arms didn’t fall from Ashton’s shoulders. If anything, he pulled him _closer_ , pressing his lips into a thin line as Ashton turned to hide his face in the soft pillows, hating the fact that he was _still_ fucking crying but unable to do anything _about_ it.

“But you didn’t say _yes_ , Ash,” Luke said at last, stroking Ashton’s cheekbone lightly with his fingertips, although he carefully avoided the claw marks that Aleisha had left there. “That makes all the difference in the world.”

Ashton crumpled and Luke held him closer, still keeping his grip loose though, because he was apparently frightened of making things worse. Ashton didn’t like to tell him that it wasn’t _possible_ to ruin him more than he already was.

The curly-haired boy’s hands fisted more tightly into the back of Luke’s t-shirt when he thought that and Luke _finally_ got the message because he tightened his grip until he was squeezing _tighter_ than the knot in Ashton’s _chest_ was.

“What did you let him _do_ to you, Ashy?” Luke sobbed out into Ashton’s neck and, although the curly-haired boy didn’t answer, he thought maybe the way he was falling apart in Luke’s arms was answer enough, and if Luke’s answering sob was anything to go by, it probably _was_.

When Luke tried to sing one last line, his voice shook so badly that it was almost unintelligible.

Somehow though, Ashton still heard him and, when he did, the words brought a different kind of tear to his eye, and he didn’t know how he’d _survived_ for so long without Luke. He didn’t think he could anymore, and he _definitely_ didn’t want to find out.

“ _My little bird_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think. I'm having a crap day and you guys always make me feel better <3


	92. Someplace Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“You’re still beautiful,” Luke said and Ashton touched his cheek gently, his hazel eyes calming further when Luke reached out to attempt to flatten his curls._  
>  _“And I still love you,” Ashton said without thinking._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologise for the angst.  
> Most of this just happened. My bad.

**_A fuss is made of miles and travel._ **

**_Roadways are but stones and gravel._ **

**_A bleeding heart can conquer every crutch._ **

_\- The Mortician's Daughter, Black Veil Brides_

 

Ashton emerged from sleep slowly.

Luke was pressed to his back, a vast expanse of sweet-smelling warm skin stretched out against him that calmed Ashton’s frayed nerves, and they must have got cold during the night because they were so thoroughly tangled together that Ashton didn’t even _try_ to climb out of bed yet.

Everything came back to him slowly, but heavily too, with wave after wave of memory crashing over him. He remembered what had happened with every ebb and throb of pain he felt, remembered with the bite-marks on his arm and knuckles, and the bruises that a stranger had sucked into the delicate skin of his neck.

When Ashton jerked fully awake with a gasp, Luke gave a sleepy grumble behind him and pressed a soft kiss to Ashton’s shoulder, clearly silently pleading with the older boy to let him sleep for a little while longer.

Ashton knew Luke had remembered when his arms suddenly tightened around him, pulling him closer as he tucked his pale face out of sight.

A headache pounded behind Ashton’s temples and that felt a lot like adding insult to injury, because still having a damn _hangover_ after the previous day seemed _incredibly_ unfair.

“How do you feel, Ash?” Luke asked tentatively, his voice rough with sleep. There were heavy bags under his eyes that looked like _bruises_ almost and he didn’t look like he’d done more than doze.

When Ashton glanced at the digital clock on his bedside table, he saw that it was only seven o’clock in the morning and they couldn’t have got to bed until well after two.

He felt _terrible_.

“I’m okay,” he mumbled, shrugging and trying not to shudder because, sure, maybe that _was_ the biggest load of rubbish _ever_ but he didn’t need to tell _Luke_ that. “I ache a bit. That’s all. I’m not going to cry again, don’t worry.”

Luke looked upset at what could _only_ be described as false bravado and he seemed smaller than he had the day before, when Ashton had been clinging to him like a frightened child. More _vulnerable_ , almost.

Maybe that was why Ashton pulled Luke down into a hug.

Maybe it was because he’d missed him so much and was _incredibly_ grateful for the night before.

Maybe Ashton just loved him so much it _hurt_ sometimes.

Ashton thought the latter was a lot more likely.

“We’ll get through this, Ash,” Luke whispered, so close the tips of their noses were brushing. Luke didn’t kiss him though and Ashton was grateful for that because even _this_ was hovering on the line of what was and wasn’t _too_ much. “Together.”

Ashton’s smile was thin and fragile, almost at _breaking_ point as he leant across the bed, away from Luke, and snagged a thin jumper off the back of a chair, and it wasn’t _just_ because of the bite-mark on his arm.

The scars and cuts looked ugly too, livid and red in the soft half-light, and Ashton was glad when he finally got to cover them up. It was just one less thing to make him feel weak.

“You’re still beautiful,” Luke said and Ashton touched his cheek gently, his hazel eyes calming further when Luke reached out to attempt to flatten his curls.

“And I still love you,” Ashton said without thinking.

Luke’s blue eyes filled with tears and it had barely crossed Ashton’s mind that that was the first time he’d said it in _months_ when he suddenly had a lapful of Luke.

“It’s okay, princess,” Ashton breathed, and there was a peculiar feeling in his chest now, like the numbness had settled deep into his bones but left his head a little clearer because of it, and he could feel the knot inside him loosening a little because taking care of someone else had _always_ made him feel better before, and it stood to reason that it was the same now. “It’s _all_ going to be okay.”

Ashton wished he hadn’t opened his stupid mouth because, the next moment, his bedroom door was crashing open and George was exclaiming: “I _told_ you, Grace! I _knew_ it!”, and Ashton felt Luke still in his arms.

“George! Leave them be!” Grace cried, appearing in the doorway too with a fretful expression on her face as she tried to pull her husband away. “They’re doing nothing wrong and Luke makes Ashton _happy_! There’s _no_ excuse for bursting in like this!”

There was a glint in George’s eyes that Ashton didn’t like though and, when his eyes narrowed as he looked at Luke and murmured: “So _that’s_ why your father hit you”, Ashton felt the blond boy sag against his chest.

Everything was moving too quickly.

Ashton’s pulse was thundering in his veins and the look on his grandpa’s face made his heart clench painfully in his chest – the disgust and _disappointment_ reminded Ashton of a whole lot of things he’d rather forget about: school, his _mother_ , Warwick, Andrew, _Aleisha_.

And, in that moment, he’d had enough.

“I’m leaving,” he said, as calm as anything. He kept his hazel eyes fixed on his nan, because she looked frustrated with her husband, _saddened_ by the way things had panned out. Because he knew she wasn’t judging him or Luke. “I’m not staying here anymore. Thank you for everything you’ve done though. And, please, look after Lauren and Harry for me."

When George made an odd sort of choking noise, Ashton finally let his gaze flicker towards his grandpa whose face was rapidly creeping towards _scarlet_ now.

“I can’t live with someone like you,” he said and it _hurt_ because, until that moment, his grandpa had always been someone he could look up to, someone he wanted to _please_. Now he wanted to leave, to get away and never talk to him again, because for him to act like Luke _deserved_ to be hurt – and that, by extension, his own _grandson_ did – was something that Ashton _couldn’t_ accept. Not anymore.

“You’re a bigot. I can’t believe I never noticed it before.”

Luke’s shoulders were shaking as Ashton tightened his arms around him, and it took the older boy a moment to work out that Luke was crying silently into his shoulder and that he was _trembling_ with fear. That realisation made Ashton’s stomach flip unpleasantly.

“George,” Grace said in a soft voice but her lips were pressed together harshly and her eyes were narrowed. “Please leave the boys alone. I’d like to talk to Ashton.”

“I’m not having one of _them_ in my house!”

“That’s lovely, dear. Now please leave,” Grace snapped and George stormed away, leaving the door open behind him.

The tension in the room was palpable.

“I… am _so_ sorry,” Grace breathed when he had left and Ashton looked up at her, his eyes as wide as it was possible for them to _go_ when they were still puffy with sleep and too much crying the day before.

“It’s not your fault, nan,” Ashton said through gritted teeth, and it _wasn’t_ , but he was furious with George for upsetting Luke and he could feel his own delicate self-control beginning to _crack_.

“You… Ashton, you don’t have to go, darling, you _don’t_. I _promise_. And, _Luke_ – I… I’m _so_ sorry about what happened with… with your father. Luke, if you need to, please know that you can _always_ stay here and –“

“Nan,” Ashton interrupted softly. “It’s okay. This has been coming on for a while I think. I… I just don’t want to be here anymore, y’know? That sounds really ungrateful but… I don’t know. You look after the little ones better than I _ever_ could and they have each other and all I’ve done is cause problems. It’ll be easier if I go someplace else. I… I’m not sure _where_ yet but –“

“He can stay with me.”

Luke sat up slowly, wiping his eyes with his fists like Harry did when he was sleepy.

“He can stay with me,” Luke repeated when neither Ashton nor Grace looked convinced. “My aunt won’t mind, I don’t think. She feels so bad about what happened. She just wants me to be happy. And… and she already knows… and she didn’t have a problem with it so…”

“ _No one_ should have a problem with it,” Grace said, a little sharply, before she sat down on the bed beside them and wrapped her arms around them _both_ , and Ashton had _just_ enough presence of mind left to avoid flinching when she pulled him close.

“Please, Ashton, if you aren’t able to stay with Luke or… or if things don’t work out –” Grace looked apologetic there but Luke simply nodded and Ashton reached out to squeeze her shoulder gently. “You _can_ always come home. I don’t care what my fool of a husband says, alright? You’ll always have a place to stay here.”

Ashton knew he wouldn’t take her up on the offer but he appreciated it all the same.

“I can still drop by to see Harry and Lauren, right?” he asked and Grace’s eyes filled with tears.

“Of course you can,” she said in a choked-up voice. Luke had tears streaming down his cheeks again. “They’re practically yours _anyway_ , from what I’ve heard. I’d _never_ stop you from seeing them and I know, once George actually uses his _brain_ , that he won’t either.” Grace bit her lip as her hands fluttered uselessly, like she wanted to help but wasn’t quite sure _how_ yet. “And you have those tablet things now too, right? So you can use the picture phone thing you showed me to talk to them, can’t you?”

“That’s called _Skype_ , nan,” Ashton said and the weak grin on his face was so watery that it probably didn’t really count.

Grace let out another sad little sigh.

“If it’s any consolation, I’ve known about the two of you for quite some time,” she said and, when Luke and Ashton shared worried glances, she simply smiled at them, albeit sadly. “You two weren't as secretive as you seemed to think. It was quite frustrating to see sometimes, I must admit.” She looked at them both, long and hard, and her eyes gave a sad little twinkle. “But you can be together now, I think. Properly.”

Luke’s small hand found its way into Ashton’s and the older boy looked down at their interlaced hands with a fondness that managed to burn through the pain he was feeling inside.

“I’ll give you two some time to get ready.” Grace hesitated, her eyes a little helpless. “Would you like to give me your aunt’s number, Luke? That way I can let her know the situation before you two turn up at her door.”

When Luke opened his mouth to dissuade her, she gave him a no-nonsense look.

“It’s the _least_ I can do,” she said firmly and, with a shrug, Luke gave her what she wanted.

She marched out of the bedroom with a determined look on her face and, in the silence that followed, Luke and Ashton simply stared at each other in shock.

“You didn’t tell her about… about last night,” Luke mumbled and Ashton felt pain spreading through his chest.

“She didn’t need to know,” he replied, his breathing tight and restricted. He inhaled shakily.

“Let’s get dressed, Luke. Then you can help me load my car up. I don’t want to stay here with _him_ for another minute.”

A slightly-selfish part of Ashton was _grateful_ that Lauren and Harry seemed to have slept through the commotion and, when the curly-haired boy turned away to pull some jeans on, he felt Luke’s ocean-blue gaze heavy on his back.

“Are you going to be okay, Ash?” he asked warily and Ashton cringed as a thousand images swirled through his mind.

 _His mum mistaking him for his father. Calum fading away right before his eyes. Michael out of control. Luke crying. Harry and Lauren lost to him. The ground pressed to his cheek as blood filled his mouth and his nails clawed at the dirt… and a shiny new drum kit that Ashton had stopped using, but would use now, if only to spite his grandfather_.

“No,” he said softly, and Luke flinched. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Then we’ll _make_ you okay,” the blond boy whispered and Ashton’s laugh was mirthless.

“You can try, Lukey,” he said, but his self-control was crumbling now and the tears were already gliding down his face.

“All we can do is try, Ash,” Luke breathed and Ashton felt hollow, like someone had punched all of the air out of him.

“I know,” he breathed, _broken_ now. “I’ve been trying my whole life.”

Ashton wondered if it would ever be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me oh my god <3


	93. Willing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The window was open a crack and Luke’s flat blond hair fluttered in the breeze as Ashton hit the gas. Luke’s fingers curled around his and the music blared from the speakers, and Ashton was seized with the sudden thought that he could do this._ They _could do this._  
>  _They **had** to do this._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually a lot fluffier than I intended so I hope this appeases you all.  
> (It's kind of going to go downhill again soon, but this time, I promise Lashton are staying together) <3  
> Enjoy!

**_I want you to want me this way,_ **

**_And I need you to need me to stay._ **

_\- If You Don’t Know, 5 Seconds Of Summer_

 

The rest of the day was strange to say the least.

Ashton and Luke had been in the car by nine o’clock on Saturday morning with most of Ashton’s clothes and belongings crammed into bin bags in the back of the car. Luke had been _shaking_ and Ashton had held his hand reassuringly when he didn’t need to change gear.

They’d put Ashton’s favourite Green Day CD on as loud as they could stand it and the music pounding through the curly-haired boy’s veins and loosening the knot in his chest soothed his anxiety further.

He felt uneasy though and he found it _impossible_ to sing along with Luke around the lump in his throat. Lauren had stayed asleep throughout the commotion that morning but Harry had woken up and seen Ashton leaving with Luke, and when the little boy had seen his older brother leaving with his stuff while their grandpa shouted in the hallway, what could only be described as _betrayal_ crossed Harry’s face in the moments before Ashton had dove down and enveloped him in a hug.

“You okay, Ash? You need to stop? I can drive us if you want,” Luke offered when they stopped at the traffic lights, even _though_ he hadn't done much more than practise driving the older boy's car a couple of times. Ashton sniffed hard and wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his jumper, but he didn’t take Luke up on his offer.

“I can’t just quit every time something gets hard,” the older boy said with a sigh, and he hadn’t realised there was a double-meaning to his words before the blond boy shot him a watery smile suddenly.

“I’m really, _really_ proud of you, Ash,” Luke mumbled, choked up.

The window was open a crack and Luke’s flat blond hair fluttered in the breeze as Ashton hit the gas. Luke’s fingers curled around his and the music blared from the speakers, and Ashton was seized with the sudden thought that he could do this. _They_ could do this.

They **had** to do this.

Ashton still felt hollow, still _ached_ , but the numbness was being washed away by Luke’s gentle ocean-blue eyes and the pain he felt was burning away the sadness until there was only anger and _love_ left behind.

“The turning to her place is just up here,” Luke said suddenly and Ashton braked, taking in a quiet country road that wasn’t a _million_ miles from the pier and the garage now that he thought about it, and he felt something calm in his chest when Luke’s aunt’s house came into sight.

It was a bungalow built of pale grey stone and set a fair distance back from the road with a gently sloping driveway surrounded with flowers. Eucalyptus trees stretched up towards the whitish-blue sky and Ashton could see a swimming pool stretching out in the garden behind the house.

“You won’t be able to park in a garage here unfortunately, on account of the fact that she doesn’t actually _have_ one,” Luke said and Ashton’s lips curled into a faint smile. Luke’s expression brightened considerably. “She has a basement though and it’s done up all nice, and she says I can practice my dance down there once my ribs are better.”

“That’s nice of her,” Ashton said, and he meant it, but unfortunately the talk of injuries was reminding him of his bruised ankle and now he just wanted to get out of the car. He didn’t though, because he’d never been good at meeting new people and if she hated him then he’d probably be _homeless_ for the foreseeable future.

Luke’s hand slipped into his again and squeezed softly, like he could tell what the curly-haired boy was thinking.

“It’ll be okay, Ash,” Luke promised and, this time, it sort of seemed like maybe things _could_ be.

Sharon Hemmings was waiting for them in the doorway of her bungalow when they walked up the driveway together, their hands still linked.

“The lovebirds return,” she drawled in an accent even thicker than _Ashton’s_. “Although, actually, that’s inaccurate. One of you is new to the nest, no? And a lovebird is actually a small parrot… Why people use that term, I will _never_ know.” She seemed to lose her train for thought for a moment before she looked up again, smiling animatedly at Luke as she opened her arms and gently pulled him down into a hug, clearly mindful of the injuries her brother had inflicted.

“I hope you’re feeling better, Luke! I missed you yesterday. I had to watch Moulin Rouge on my own and I made _far_ too much tuna pasta bake for Shelly and I to eat by ourselves –” Ashton wondered vaguely if he wanted to know who _Shelly_ was. “– so I know what _we’ll_ be eating for the rest of the weekend!”

She let out a peal of laughter and the trilling sound reminded Ashton a little of a bird. When she laughed so hard she had to clutch at her side – and here Ashton and Luke exchanged slightly concerned glances – the purple shawl she was wearing fluttered around her tiny form like wings.

“And you must be Ashton Irwin!” she said suddenly, whirling to face him so quickly that the assortment of colourful wooden beads she was wearing around her neck clacked together. “Your grandmother just rang me, you know. _Delightful_ woman. Can’t say the same for her husband of course but I’m sure you already know that. She also informed me that she found some bloody clothes left in the bathroom and asked me to check with you why that was?”

“There… there was a bit of trouble last night, Sharon,” Luke said and all traces of his smile were gone now. “Can we maybe talk about this later instead?”

“Of course, Luke, but rest assured we will!” For a minute, her deep blue eyes were quite stern before she smiled warmly at Ashton again. “Right, I presume you haven’t taken everything with you now since that _is_ rather a small car – but of course, size isn’t everything, after all! However, that’s beside the point! We’ll need to sort out a van of some sort to transport the rest of your possessions over – and we’ll also need to talk about rent. Do you have income?”

“I…” Ashton felt a bit out of breath just _listening_ to her talk. “Um… I work a few shifts at the garage? I get money from that I can pay you with.”

“Oh nonsense, I won’t take any money from you for the moment. I just wanted to see if you were willing. Well done, Ashton Irwin. You’ve passed my test!” Sharon was like a very, _very_ brightly coloured hurricane. “Right,” she piped up suddenly, changing the subject again. “I’m going to make some tea. Do you two want some tea? Come inside if you want some tea.”

Ashton felt a bit like he had whiplash.

She disappeared with a flutter of purple material and a clack of beads, and Ashton let out a low whistle which prompted Luke to flush scarlet and hide his face in the older boy’s shoulder. The curly-haired boy laughed softly.

“She’s certainly something,” Ashton said and, although his grin _kind_ of made his face feel like it was going to crack, the knot was loose in his chest and he was no longer fighting the urge to cry. “Um… No disrespect intended but…” Ashton glanced down at Luke who was _still_ trying to hide his face. “Is… is she… y’know… a little bit _crazy_?”

Luke shrugged uncomfortably but he was smiling big and wide, his lip-ring shining in the sunlight and, suddenly, despite the cold fear that swept through him at the thought, Ashton really wanted to kiss Luke.

“She said the word ‘ _funky_ ’ unironically the other day and we used to call her Mad Auntie Sharon,” the blond boy said and he laughed softly. “She’s actually awesome. She was always my favourite person when I was little. Dad _hated_ her... but maybe that was because she hated him and my brothers. I don't know. But she really is something.”

Ashton felt his hands growing a little clammy at the _love_ rushing through him and he was still frightened at the thought of kissing Luke, but seeing the younger boy so animated made the ice melt in his chest and he knew that if he didn’t do _something_ now then he _never_ would. Steeling himself, Ashton slowly and _very_ deliberately let his lips brush Luke’s.

He didn’t shudder but his stomach gave an unpleasant flip as his chest tightened slightly.

“I like her already,” Ashton muttered but he still kept his eyes pressed tightly shut, trying to calm his breathing. “How could I _not_ like her? She loves _you_.”

“ _I_ love you, Ash,” Luke countered but he pushed Ashton away gently until he could slip his arm around the smaller boy’s waist instead. Both of their cheeks were flushed. “But _please_ don’t force yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with.”

Ashton sagged but it was with relief and the blond boy made a small, comforting sound as he dropped a kiss onto the top of Ashton’s head instead. The older boy squeezed Luke’s hip weakly.

“Thank you,” he said and he felt like he’d aged twenty years in the space of two short days. “I love you so, _so_ fucking much.”

Luke cringed but he was smiling slightly and the older boy soon found out why.

“No curse words in the house if you please! Shelly doesn’t like it!” Sharon called from somewhere inside but she sounded like she was amused so Ashton didn’t worry too much.

“Sorry!” he called back before he frowned, glancing over at Luke and trying to keep the darker emotions off his face. “Luke, uh… who’s _Shelly_?”

“Oh,” the blond boy said and a smile lit up his face suddenly. “He’s Sharon’s cat.”

“ _He_?” the older boy frowned, deciding not to mention that he was allergic to cats for the moment.

Luke nodded and Ashton shrugged, smiling too.

“Each to their own, I guess.”

Luke took his hand, like he could tell Ashton was still hurting even though he was doing his best to hide it, and it was in that moment that Ashton truly _understood_ why he loved Luke.

It was because Luke was perceptive even when he was being cocky. It was because he was understanding and, more than anything else, _sweet_. It was because he’d suffered so much but had come out of the other side with a faint smile and the will to carry on fighting.

It was because he loved Ashton like the sea, the complete opposite of calm and steady, but a constant presence all the same, and he was full of _love_ , and that was all that really mattered in the end.

“I love you, Luke,” Ashton said and his voice was steady even though it caught in his throat as his eyes threatened to tear up.

The blond boy smiled a secret smile and his eyes were fond.

“That’s good, Ash,” Luke promised and his lips brushed Ashton’s cheek in the moments before they entered the house, their hands clasped securely between them. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!  
> And I'm not even sorry about Mad Auntie Sharon. I feel like she's probably the character I've enjoyed writing the most (and if that says a lot about me, so be it!) :P  
> Thank you all for sticking around for so long :)  
> There's kind of one more REALLY angsty thing (and a couple of smaller bits too kinda maybe) and then we're homeward bound!  
> Did that make you all feel better? I really hope that made you all feel better...


	94. Breathing Flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Oh my god,” he whispered and he could feel the hollow in his chest filling with love and amusement, and it was making him feel all light and relaxed. The knot in his chest withered away to almost nothing when he saw the sunshine twinkling in Luke’s bright ocean-blue eyes. “Oh my god.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun writing this chapter too but I also got _really_ carried away.... I think you'll maybe see why...  
>  And I think things will start getting kind of angsty again soon so... y'know... enjoy this while it lasts, I guess?

**_Hold your own in the situation; don’t be afraid to be a friend._ **

**_‘Cause I won’t hurt you, girl, or leave you a loose end._ **

**_You make me alive enough to love again._ **

_\- Zombie, Jamie T_

 

The interior of Sharon’s house was sort of _exactly_ like Ashton had been expecting in the end.

There were colourful shawls draped _everywhere_ and a collection of what _looked_ like desiccated dandelions in a small pink vase on a table beside the front door.

Ashton carefully avoided looking at Sharon’s large collection of suede pumps that seemed to be organised by colour in a long row that stretched down the hall because, if he looked for _too_ long, he was worried that the bubbles of slightly hysterical laughter would escape him.

“Whatever you do, don’t look at the picture by the stairs,” Luke muttered out of the corner of his mouth as he kicked his trainers off and set them on the doormat. Ashton copied him but he saw the corner of Luke’s mouth twitching and his curiosity was piqued.

“What are you talking about?” Ashton hissed over the clattering sounds of Sharon making tea in the kitchen. The blond boy simply hid his smirk behind his hand and pointed. Ashton snorted so loudly that Luke giggled.

On the wall there was a rather _interesting_ painting of what Ashton could only _assume_ was supposed to be a cat, if the long tail and collar was anything to go by. If it hadn’t been labelled ‘ **My Darling Shelly** ’, Ashton might have been mistaken for thinking it was some sort of highland cow.

“Oh my god,” he whispered and he could _feel_ the hollow in his chest filling with love and _amusement_ , and it was making him feel all light and relaxed. The knot in his chest withered away to almost _nothing_ when he saw the sunshine twinkling in Luke’s bright ocean-blue eyes. “Oh my _god_.”

“Are you admiring my masterpiece, Ashton Irwin?” Sharon asked as she poked her head around the doorframe. The older boy flinched back, startled, and Luke’s hand was a comforting weight on his shoulder. “It took me four days to paint it. My cherub wouldn’t sit still unless I bribed him with flakes of halibut. He’s very particular, you know, but I sense you’re allergic to cats. He won’t like that.”

Sharon disappeared back into the kitchen where there was another crash – “ _That’s normal_ ,” Luke mouthed – but Ashton was staring after her, his hazel eyes wide.

“How did she know I’m allergic?” he hissed but Luke just grinned weakly, shrugging.

“Not sure but you get used to it,” he said, starting to lead Ashton down the hallway. “It was always really funny when I was little. I kind of find it tiring these days when it’s twenty four-seven… but I guess you get used to it.”

Ashton wilted a bit, remembering that Luke being made to leave his old home was _his_ fault, even if it _had_ been the right thing to do, but that didn’t make him feel any better.

“I’ve finished the tea!” Sharon called in a singsong voice from the kitchen and, when a small smile curled across Luke’s pale lips, seemingly despite himself, Ashton knew he hadn’t made the wrong decision.

“Luke, I’ve put your tea in the sloth mug I bought from London Zoo more years ago than I’d like to remember. Ashton Irwin, you’ve got the Noddy mug. Milk, no sugar – correct? Excellent. I love it when that happens.”

Ashton felt a bit like he’d been hit over the head with something. She moved so fast and spoke about so many different topics so _quickly_ that he found it difficult to keep up, especially when he was so used to Luke’s slow easy talking, Michael’s sarcastic drawl or Calum’s calm, careful quiet.

Sharon was another kettle of fish entirely.

“Ashton Irwin, here is your tea,” she said in a surprisingly solemn voice when the two boys entered the kitchen. There was an incense stick burning in a special dragon holder in the centre of the table, with the fragrant smoke curling out of the little stone dragon’s nostrils like it was about to start breathing flame.

“The smoke smells good,” Luke said as he accepted his tea too, dropping down into one of the chairs around the circular table. Ashton copied him, sitting close. Sharon frowned at the stone dragon as she took a sip of her own tea.

“It’s actually aromatic biotic matter, as opposed to smoke, but I suppose your summary is accurate.” She looked at Ashton over the rim of her mug and her voice echoed when she spoke. “Tell me, Ashton Irwin, would you have called it smoke too?”

“Probably,” he admitted in a stammer before he suddenly grimaced. “Please, I’m just Ashton, honestly.”

“As you wish, just Ashton.” Ashton felt his eyebrows rising but Luke was sniggering into his hands and if it had been anyone else, Ashton probably would have aimed a well-placed kick under the table. As it was, he simply shot Luke a disgruntled look and thought vaguely of Professor Trelawney from the Harry Potter series.

Sharon wasn’t a million miles away from her, to be honest.

When she asked Ashton: “Would you like to call me Shaz?”, he was brought back to the present.

“I… I think I’d rather _not_ actually,” he mumbled, ducking his head a bit because this was _funny_ and all but she was kind of full on, and he could just imagine how _exhausting_ it would be to listen to this all the time –

And then he realised how selfish he was being because this woman he’d only just _met_ had literally just let him move into her house with _Luke_ , and this might well be the best opportunity he’d ever been given.

“So be it then, Ashton!” she declared but there was a sparkle in her eyes that kind of made Ashton feel like she knew what he’d been thinking. When he realised she’d actually called him by his _name_ that time, he felt a faint smile touch his lips. Sharon hid her own smile behind her mug again.

“I dislike being called Shaz anyway,” she continued in an airy tone, waving her hand through the air to show her distaste and causing a tremendous jangle when all of her bangles clanged together. “You know, I once dated a rather peculiar human who insisted on calling me Shazza. It was _truly_ ridiculous. And they had _purple_ hair, I’ll have you know! But it was perhaps _not_ as purple as my shawl. In fact, it was more _mauve_ I think… except it _wasn’t_ mauve.”

Sharon seemed to ponder for a few moments and Luke looked at the dragon, stroking one pale finger through the smoke wisps.

“Or perhaps their hair might have been _orange_ instead,” Sharon said and Ashton made a spluttering sound as he inhaled his tea. “I forget.”

Luke let out a peal of laughter as he covered his face with his small hands. His eyes were a bit teary – probably due to a mixture of mirth and too much incense – but he had to wipe them away with his fingers.

Sharon made a concerned, clucking noise when she saw Luke’s wet eyes.

“Is the tea too hot, Lukey? Let auntie Sharon cool it down for you,” she said before leaning across the table and blowing ineffectually on the surface. She looked so proud of herself afterwards that Ashton actually had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

He knew normally he probably wouldn’t have found everything quite so _funny_ but he guessed it was just because he felt uneasy in the new situation, and that apparently he had decided to deal with that by laughing like someone who probably shouldn’t be allowed out on their own.

Before anyone could say anything else, there was suddenly the sound of scurrying paws and a truly _gigantic_ ginger cat leapt up onto the kitchen table, skidding along on the tablecloth and tumbling down onto the ground.

“Bad cherub!” Sharon cried at the beast that was presumably Shelly. She jumped up and spilt her tea all over her purple shawl. “Cherub, _no_!”

The two boys stared with wide eyes.

“Okay… uh… I’m gonna show Ash our room now I think,” Luke mumbled but Sharon didn’t seem to hear him, and Ashton was already halfway down the hallway when the blond boy caught up with him.

“So what do you think of her then?” Luke asked but he sounded a bit apprehensive.

Ashton didn’t have to force his smile but he could feel the frown creasing his brow all the same as he gave a slight shrug.

“She’s nice. _High as balls_ , but nice all the same. In my opinion at least. I think living here with you will be fun.”

Luke laughed at that, looking relieved.

“That’s good,” he said and his smile was very, _very_ sweet. Ashton curled their fingers together. “I was thinking just the same thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There'll be a few more chapters with lots of mad auntie sharon in - i don't know how she happened but i don't regret it - but things are changing again soon... just not for Lashton, fortunately.  
> Please let me know what you thought :)


	95. Livewire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“It was more than a bit of trouble…” Luke mumbled and then they were both watching Ashton, and the panic and distress that the older boy had been suppressing all day threatened to consume him._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke and Ashton physically hurt to write sometimes, I swear.  
> I hope you guys enjoy this though <3

**_Lights will guide you home,_ **

**_And ignite your bones,_ **

**_And I will try to fix you._ **

_\- Fix You, Coldplay_

 

Ashton liked the living room a lot more than he liked the kitchen in Sharon’s house.

It wasn’t full of incense or candles or so many overloaded mug trees that Ashton was permanently worried that they were all going to fall on him.

Instead it was a surprisingly light, airy room that looked out over the swimming pool in Sharon’s unexpectedly vast garden. There was a frankly _ancient_ -looking television set and a shelf stretching along one wall with lots of books and ornaments scattered across it.

The sofa was an old, faded thing of cracked fake leather and there was a threadbare blanket patterned with sunflowers stretched across the back of the chair.

That was where Sharon was sitting curled up now, with her feet tucked beneath her and a bowl of pasta bake balanced precariously on her knees, covered as they were by her sequinned skirt.

Ashton had been looking idly through the items on the shelf once he’d been given the okay to do so and he’d seen some interesting-looking books he thought he might like to peruse on a later date.

The sun was sinking slowly outside, painting the skies with reds and purples that might once have looked like bruises, but reminded Ashton more of flowers now.

The walls of the living room were painted a warm honeysuckle yellow and were mostly bare, the only exceptions being a large mirror on one wall and a seemingly _very_ old drawing of what was _probably_ meant to be ballerinas pirouetting across the faded paper.

“Another one of your masterpieces?” Ashton asked, smirking the tiniest bit at the deformed stick figures as they danced. Sharon’s smile was surprisingly gentle.

“Actually, that one was Luke when he was little. He’s always loved dancing,” she explained quietly and Ashton felt something soften inside of him until it felt like all of the rough, broken edges were gone.

“It’s sweet, isn’t it?” Sharon said in a soft voice, calmer now than she had seemed earlier in the day but, before Ashton could reply, he saw Luke in the mirror behind him and, when the blond boy hesitated, Ashton gave the smallest nod.

Luke’s arms wound gently around his waist as his chin came to rest on the curly-haired boy’s shoulder and Ashton let his head fall backwards so that he could see Luke properly. He pressed the lightest kiss to the underside of Luke’s jaw but the blond boy went red and ducked his head, looking pleased but surprised, and like he _really_ hadn’t expected it.

‘ _It’s okay_ ,’ Ashton told himself, letting his eyes flicker shut for a moment as his heart raced. ‘ _This is different. It’s okay. **You’re** okay. It’s alright. It’s **Luke**. Luke won’t hurt you. He **loves** you_.’

When Luke drew back hesitantly and sat down on the sofa, pulling the older boy down lightly by the hand but leaving a little gap between them, Ashton thought maybe he understood.

When Ashton finally dragged his eyes away from Luke, he found Sharon watching them both carefully, scrutinising the deliberate space left between them but also taking in their entwined hands and the way Luke’s cheeks were still flushed from the gentlest of kisses.

“What’s this about bloody clothes in the bathroom then?” Sharon asked and Ashton felt himself tense up. Luke’s fingertips lightly stroked the back of Ashton’s clenched fist though and, slowly, the curly-haired boy let himself relax.

“You said there was a bit of trouble last night?” Sharon prompted when the two boys merely exchanged glances and, for once, there was nothing _remotely_ airy-fairy about her. She looked more aware than Ashton had ever _seen_ her.

He remembered the bloody clothes, remembered how good it had felt to kick them away from him like poisonous snakes, to hide them in the corner of the room where they couldn’t hurt him anymore.

“It was more than a bit of trouble…” Luke mumbled and then they were both watching Ashton, and the panic and distress that the older boy had been suppressing all day threatened to consume him.

A part of Ashton didn’t want Luke to hear but, equally, he knew he’d _never_ be able to force the words out without Luke there to anchor him. The only downside was that Luke hadn’t heard the whole story yet, only a few details from Michael, and watching him slowly fall apart – even as he fought _desperately_ for composure – made Ashton’s _heart_ hurt.

Describing what had happened was a lot harder than the older boy had realised and he was suddenly seized again by enormous relief that he hadn’t taken the matter to the police. That would have been _far_ too much for him.

Luke’s damp hair smelt like mint from the shampoo he’d used. Ashton could tell because the blond boy’s head was resting on his shoulder now and he was clinging to Ashton tightly as big tears rolled silently down his cheeks.

“It’s okay, Luke,” Ashton whispered, so quietly that only he could hear. That was a lie though. It _wasn’t_ okay – not even _close_ – but Ashton hoped that, one day, it would be again. “I’m still here. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

“ _No you’re fucking not_ ,” Luke muttered tearfully, sniffing and turning his face away into Ashton’s shoulder as the older boy wrapped both of his arms around Luke hesitantly. The blond boy seemed to almost _melt_.

When Ashton looked up warily at Sharon, he found that her face had taken on a peculiar flinty quality, and it was a sign of just how angry she was that she didn't chastise Luke for swearing again.

“I hope you broke the pig’s face,” she said with a surprising amount of venom and, when Ashton processed that _these_ were the first words out of her mouth, he realised why Luke loved her so much. He thought maybe it was because you never knew what she was going to do or say next.

Luke made a strange snorting noise when he heard his aunt’s response, halfway between a sob and slightly hysterical laughter, and Ashton dropped a kiss onto the top of the younger boy’s head before he answered.

“Actually, Mikey _did_ try,” he said with a weak smile. Sharon looked towards Luke, her eyebrows rising.

“ _Mikey_ … Would that be the Michael who tried to…?”

“Yeah,” Luke said, his cheeks flaming. Sharon snorted.

“Oh, I’m sure he was _very_ trying,” she muttered scathingly and Ashton actually laughed, quite certain that the red-haired boy would _like_ Sharon because she was such a livewire.

“But Michael did at the very least break the brute’s nose?” she asked, proving Ashton’s point yet _again_.

“Mike tried but I don’t think it worked,” Ashton said with a slightly uncomfortable laugh. He was glad she was being so positive about everything but there was a part of him – and it wasn’t a _small_ part either – that just wanted to go to bed and cry until he fell asleep for long enough that he forgot it ever happened.

“More’s the pity,” Sharon said in response to Ashton’s statement. “I would have shattered his ethmoid.”

Ashton exchanged a slightly wide-eyed look with Luke and mouthed: “ _What’s that_?” but the blond boy just shrugged.

Shelly came trotting into the room with a toy mouse held between his sharp little teeth and Sharon quickly became a doting cat woman again.

“Cherub!” she crowed, hoisting the hefty ginger cat up onto her lap and petting him as he coiled his tail absently around her wrist. Ashton looked back at the blond boy again.

“You okay, Lukey?” he whispered, letting out a little puff of air when Luke slumped down onto his lap so that his head was pillowed on Ashton’s thighs.

“I will be when _you_ are,” Luke murmured back and Ashton dropped his hand down to card through Luke’s hair gently. The younger boy closed his ocean-blue eyes wearily, humming contentedly when Ashton scratched lightly at his scalp.

Shelly watched the pair of them with inquisitive amber eyes in the moments before Sharon scooped him up like a baby – the cat let out a yowl at the indignity of it all – and bid them goodnight.

Ashton listened to her footsteps on the stairs – heavier than usual because of her armful of cat – before he looked down at Luke again.

The blond boy’s eyes were shut, his golden lashes fanned out across the pale skin of his cheeks. Ashton kissed Luke’s little upturned nose and the blond boy grinned, cracking an eye open.

“ _Shaz_ asked me how long we’d been in love earlier, Ash,” Luke said, smirking a little when the older boy cringed at Sharon’s nickname. “When she found out how long it’s been – and that it was _before_ Aleisha – do you know what she did?”

“Probably lit a candle and talked about tuna pasta bake again,” Ashton said wryly but he had to admit that he enjoyed watching a smile fight its way onto Luke’s face, curving his thin lips upwards.

“No!” Luke sniggered, giving Ashton a reprimanding poke on his own nose. "She high-fived me and dropped dried pasta everywhere –" Ashton started laughing but the mirth in his eyes faded to love and _pain_ when Luke stroked his cheek gently. “She said she was really happy for us, and that she hoped we’d be alright.”

The silence stretched between them and the laughter died on Luke’s face, even as the hope he dared to feel betrayed him when it shone in his eyes.

“We _are_ going to be alright… aren’t we, Ash?” he asked softly. The older boy’s hand dropped down to grip Luke’s.

“I think so,” Ashton said. “I _hope_ so.”

But that wasn’t _quite_ the same as a yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :)  
> It's kind of getting sad soon though... just a heads up...


	96. Bombarded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton gave a tiny, uncomfortable laugh but his hands tightened in the back of Luke’s navy blue flannel, holding onto him with everything he had._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear. I'm sorry, I keep writing weird angsty ODD things and I don't know why.  
> Hopefully enjoy <3

**_Late night calls and another text._ **

**_Is this as good as we're gonna get?_ **

_\- Close As Strangers, 5 Seconds Of Summer_

 

By Sunday evening, Ashton felt even worse than he had done on Friday night, if that was possible.

Luke had tearfully suggested that maybe it was simply one of those occasions where things had to get worse before they got better, where the reality of something was so _terrible_ that it actually took a few days to sink in.

That didn’t make Ashton feel any better though.

He’d been unable to sleep on Saturday night – too busy thinking and worrying and _remembering_ – and, when he _had_ eventually managed to pass out, he’d woken up sobbing only an hour later.

Ashton had spent most of Sunday in the double bed he shared with Luke, huddled up under a quilt patterned with moons and stars in the darkness as he pressed his eyes shut tightly, pinched at the skin on the insides of his arms (even though he _knew_ he shouldn’t), and tried his hardest to forget.

The only time he’d left the room all day was when Sharon had released Shelly with a theatrical: “ _Draw him out, cherub_!” and, sure, maybe that _had_ worked but it didn’t mean Ashton was ready to face the world again. He just didn’t want the cat’s fur to make him sneeze.

Sharon had ambushed him on the landing while he was trying to nudge a rampaging Shelly out of the bedroom with his foot and pressed a tray of food into his hands. He spotted a stripy mug of what looked like vegetable soup, ham sandwiches cut into sloppy star shapes, and a small pile of what he _thought_ were sherbet lemons, and Ashton had barely looked up to thank her when Luke tripped down the hall, holding his laptop open in front of him.

The older boy heard the crackle of static and glanced at the screen as Luke wandered past, pecking Ashton idly on the cheek as he did so. The blond boy seemed to be on Skype.

“Eat. You’ll feel much better for it,” Sharon said before she scooped an outraged Shelly up and carried the enormous cat back into the living room.

Ashton followed Luke back into the room, leaning against the door so that it clicked shut behind him.

“There’s a table at the back, by the window,” Luke explained distractedly when he glanced over at Ashton who was simply standing there looking lost and holding a tray laden with food in his big hands.

Ashton went to investigate, sweeping the floor-length navy blue curtains aside and discovering a small circular table with a rickety chair beside the long, narrow window.

He had barely seated himself and taken a sip of his soup when the laptop was dropped unceremoniously onto the small table too.

“ _Hey_ ,” Ashton mumbled around his food when he saw Michael onscreen. Luke came to lean against the wall behind Ashton, his hands combing gently through the older boy’s curls, and when Ashton tipped his head back to smile ruefully at Luke, the blond boy kissed him on the nose.

“Glad to see that _you two_ are still so disgustingly, sickeningly _in love_ ,” Michael muttered, his voice crackling over the bad connection, but despite the pixelated image, Ashton could see that the red-haired boy was relieved.

Michael made several increasingly awkward enquiries into Ashton’s general wellbeing after Friday night, made several death threats that Ashton knew he wouldn’t follow through with, and proudly told Ashton that he hadn’t even broken his hand that time, before he immediately flushed as red as his hair and apologised to a mildly amused Luke.

Luke and Michael had started talking about an All Time Low song they wanted to play and Ashton zoned out, focusing on his soup and the little ham sandwiches (although not the sherbet lemons he was studiously ignoring) instead of the tumultuous thoughts battering inside his head.

Ashton had spoken to Lauren that morning on the phone.

She’d been offended, angry that he’d left without telling her but _upset_ too, more than he’d figured she _would_ be. She’d informed him that their grandma had been found crying because she’d apparently got some bad news on the phone – Ashton flinched thinking about that because that meant that Sharon had _told_ her – and that George had been calling Ashton “ _bad words again_ ”.

He felt a bit ill.

“I didn’t know you two Skyped,” Ashton said suddenly, keen to distract himself as he looked over to where Luke was sitting with the laptop angled towards him. Michael was laughing at something Luke said but the sound died when the blond boy said: “Sure we do. I skype Calum too… _sometimes_.”

Michael made his excuses, hoping (probably in vain) that Ashton would feel better before he ended the call. The remaining two sat in silence, Luke frowning at the screen and Ashton tearing one of the crusts from his sandwiches into tiny little pieces.

“Things are still bad between them then,” Luke said aloud and Ashton shrugged stiffly, biting his bottom lip as he kept his eyes lowered.

“I wouldn’t know,” he muttered, a bit sullenly. “Calum barely talks to me anymore.”

“Oh,” Luke mumbled, his cheeks reddening a bit. “Uh... I’m sure things will be fine. Anyway –”

“You don’t _have_ to tell me, Luke, but you’re a really, _really_ terrible liar,” Ashton snapped, dropping the remains of his sandwich and wiping his hands hard on his jeans. “Just so you know. I have _no_ clue how you kept us a secret for as long as you did.”

Luke’s cheeks flushed and he looked as angry as he had done that very first day Ashton met him on the pier.

“What the _hell_ , Ash?!” he demanded, slamming his laptop shut and rising fluidly. Once again Ashton was reminded of how dangerous Luke looked on those rare occasions when he was angry, and he wondered if maybe this was a stupid idea after all, because Luke had to have inherited his temper from _somewhere_ and it made the older boy feel _sick_ when he remembered who Luke’s father was.

“Why are you bringing this up now?!” the blond boy continued. “I’m trying to be nice to you! I’m trying to make this okay because I _love_ you, you stupid moron, and all of this horrible stuff keeps happening to you and I just want to make you okay again, Ashton, because you deserve the world and it is _so_ fucking frustrating watching you tear yourself apart and feel like you’re not good enough at _every_ opportunity! Why can’t you see how fucking _amazing_ you are?!”

Ashton sat there in silence, aware that his mouth was hanging open and that he probably looked _really_ stupid but unable to do anything about it.

“I…” He felt a bit shell-shocked, like Luke’s words had bombarded him before he’d had a chance to put up any defences. “I can’t help it if I… Stuff just _happens_ and… and it wouldn’t happen if I didn’t deserve it…”

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them and Luke’s fist slammed into the wall in an _exceedingly_ uncharacteristic display of anger. Apparently Ashton’s words were getting to him more than the older boy had thought.

“Please stop putting yourself _d-down_ all the time!” the younger boy exclaimed but his voice cracked and he tucked his bruised hand under one arm, looking a bit lost. “ _Please_.”

“Don’t hurt yourself over me,” Ashton mumbled awkwardly, finally rising shakily but stopping a short distance from Luke. “I’m not worth it.”

Luke made a sound like he’d been hurt when he heard that, closing the distance between them and cradling Ashton’s upturned face gently, like he was made of glass.

“You don’t see how beautiful you are. It’s the saddest thing ever.” Luke’s ocean-blue eyes looked wet and Ashton was wrapping his arms around Luke and pulling him closer before he’d stopped to consider it.

Luke tensed for a moment before he draped one of his arms around Ashton’s waist too, squeezing his hip gently with his good hand. Ashton tried not to flinch.

“I… I know they say that everything happens for a reason,” Luke began, his voice choked-up just like it _always_ seemed to be these days. “But sometimes I wish I knew what that reason _was_ , y'know? And then we could find the silver lining in all of this complete and utter fucking _shit_ you’ve had to deal with and maybe everything wouldn’t seem so _impossible_ all the time.”

Ashton gave a tiny, uncomfortable laugh but his hands tightened in the back of Luke’s navy blue flannel, holding onto him with everything he had.

“I must have been _really_ awful in a past life then, if this is all happening for a reason,” Ashton mumbled and Luke’s face crumpled.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Ash. You _know_ I didn’t –“

“I know,” Ashton confirmed but he drew away unwillingly, seized with a sudden urge to carry on. He knew it wouldn’t be as simple as just leaving everything that had fucked him up behind but if he made a conscious effort to carry on – to not _give up_ – then maybe things would work out anyway.

Ashton stretched up on his tiptoes and kissed Luke on the mouth, catching Luke’s bottom lip between his own as he tilted his head just a little. Ashton didn’t deepen the kiss but, for now, it was enough.

“You hurt your hand when you hit the wall, didn’t you?” Ashton muttered against Luke’s lips and the blond boy exhaled sharply, releasing a slightly shaky laugh. When the curly-haired boy looked up at Luke, he saw that the blond boy’s eyes were dark.

“Yeah,” Luke mumbled and Ashton laughed weakly.

“You’re an idiot, Lukey,” he said but his heart was pounding in his chest when he took Luke’s good hand and led him towards the bathroom so that he could help fix him up properly.

Luke’s words were racing around Ashton’s head like a swarm of wasps and it was making him feel dizzy.

Luke couldn’t really feel _that_ strongly about him… _could he_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back into the story arc with a **bang** next chapter if everything goes to plan.  
>  Sorry in advance <3


	97. Colourless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton was still thinking about Luke when the bathroom door slammed open and a sob ripped through the stillness. There was a_ drip-drip-drip _from a leaking tap and then another sob, tearing out like it hurt to keep them locked inside anymore._  
>  _“_ Oh **god** _,” someone wept and –_ god _, it sounded like **Calum**._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out to be _so_ much more angsty than I was intending but it still fits in with the storyline so I don't really mind too much...  
>  I hope you guys don't hate this... or me...  
> Enjoy...

**_'Cause you play me like a symphony,_ **

**_Play me till your fingers bleed,_ **

**_I’m your greatest masterpiece,_ **

**_You ruin me._ **

_\- You Ruin Me, The Veronicas_

 

It felt strange to go back to school after the weekend spent at Sharon’s house.

Everything looked grey and washed out, like all of the colours had been sucked away. It felt like an empty house where the wallpaper was peeling and the heating didn’t work anymore. It felt like cold rain on dirty windows and walking alone through the woods.

Ashton thought maybe everything felt so _colourless_ because he didn’t have **Luke** beside him here.

Ashton hadn’t seen Calum and Michael yet either but that wasn’t exactly _unusual_ these days. Calum mostly kept to himself – and when Ashton thought this, he made a mental note to remind the younger boy that his six days were almost over – and Ashton had _no_ idea where Michael went anymore.

Half the time he wasn’t even at _school_ but, to be fair, neither was _Calum_.

Ashton liked walking through the hallways even less than usual now too. The corridors were too busy and too loud and he hated everyone knocking into him as they walked past but he was trying to focus on the fact that it wasn’t the _same_ – in fact, it couldn’t have been more _different_ – so why did his heart still feel like it was trying to escape the confines of his chest?

Ashton had maths first lesson and, since he didn’t exactly relish the idea of being laughed at for getting the answers wrong again, he opted to skip it and find somewhere to hide instead.

When he found himself hiding in a toilet cubicle ten minutes later, wrapped in his coat because it was bloody _cold_ in there, he almost laughed at himself. _Almost_.

He got bored quickly but at least his chest felt looser now so that was something. It _was_ chilly though, _freezing_ actually, and he could feel the cold seeping through the thin material of his uniform.

He couldn’t help but think that bunking off lessons had always been a lot more fun in the past when Michael had been there and they’d texted Calum increasingly stupid things while the younger boy tried in vain not to start laughing in class.

Things had been a lot simpler when they were younger.

Ashton pulled his knees up his chest after a little while, wrapping his arm round them to keep them secure and relishing the fact that the movement was pain-free because he hadn’t cut in about a week now and it felt _weird_ to know that the angry cuts were fading on his arms.

Ashton thought maybe _that_ was because of Luke too.

He made him want to be a better person – to make things _okay_ again – in a way that no one else had _ever_ managed before.

Ashton was still thinking about Luke when the bathroom door slammed open and a sob ripped through the stillness. There was a _drip-drip-drip_ from a leaking tap and then another sob, tearing out like it hurt to keep them locked inside anymore.

“ _Oh **god**_ ,” someone wept and – _god_ , it sounded like **Calum**.

Like Calum who was falling apart right before Ashton’s eyes, crumbling no matter how fast Ashton tried to put him back together again. Like Calum whose parents didn’t understand and whose sister was gone, hiding, searching for better things.

Like Calum – _Ashton’s_ Calum, the funny little boy with the fluffy black hair from primary school who was so shy that he never talked to anyone else. Like Calum who was scared of the dark, and crocodiles, and when too much toothpaste came out of the tube when you squeezed it too hard, and drop bears, and staying away from home for more than a night.

Like Calum, who only had two days left before Ashton made him get help and lost _him_ too.

“ _Cal_ ,” Ashton breathed out but he’d barely reached out to unlock the cubicle when the door to the bathrooms opened _again_ and –

“Piss _off_ , Michael!” Calum hissed venomously when he saw who it was, panic saturating his voice as he lashed out like a frightened animal, desperate and wild.

Ashton felt the colour drain out of his face as his jaw dropped. In all of the time he’d known him, he’d _never_ heard Calum so frightened or defensive before.

“Cal, I – _please_ , I – I’m _worried_ about you. You’re really thin and –”

“ _You don’t get to talk to me about this, Michael_!” Calum exclaimed and his voice wasn’t shaking anymore but he sounded _feverish_ , like he had that night when he’d got drunk and _kissed_ Michael. “I’m _fat_. Fat, fat, fucking **_fat_**. You don’t know what you’re _t-talking_ about!”

Ashton felt tears welling in his eyes but he was frozen. He didn’t know whether or not he should open the door, declare that he was there and that they _couldn’t_ have this conversation at school, but he knew that would only make things _worse_ – maybe, possibly, probably – and Ashton had _always_ been good at making things worse…

“Cal, I – can’t you _see_ yourself? You’re gonna fucking _die_ if you keep this up and I – I can’t _live_ with that and –”

Ashton heard a sharp slapping sound, like Calum had _hit_ Michael, and the choked-off sob that sounded afterwards proved it.

“ _You don’t get to say this to me_ ,” Calum breathed but he sounded dangerous now, like he _knew_ he was on the road to ruin but he just didn’t _care_ anymore.

Ashton remembered thinking something else the night that Calum kissed Michael too, remembered thinking that Calum was skin and bone, nothing more… nothing but a vibrant, _beautiful_ soul that was burning itself away into nothing.

Calum was more than that now though. He was fire and rage and _panic_ , locked away inside a tiny crumbling body that couldn’t withstand the _heat_ of it, that was buckling under the _pressure_. Inside a body that would be _gone_ soon if no one extinguished the flames and beat the smoke away before Calum ran out of time.

“ _You sleep with other people, Mike. You kiss them. You **fuck** them. I hear stuff. I **hear**_ …” Calum broke off, clearly trying not to cry. Ashton heard his ragged breathing though and he knew he wasn’t doing a very good job. “ _So… so don’t you **dare** tell me that you… that you **care** … that you fucking **love** me… because you don’t._”

The silence in the bathroom was painful to listen to.

“Cal, I…” Michael sounded hollow, empty. _Lost_. “ _Please_.” His voice was wrecked. “ _Cal_ … I… I love you with my whole _heart_ but… but _surely_ you can see that… that I’m not just going to stay on my _own_ forever! You _agreed_ with me when I said it couldn’t work if you didn’t feel the same way, Cal! You _agreed_!”

“ _I KNOW I AGREED_!” Calum screamed and Ashton’s heart wasn’t trying to escape his chest now. He didn’t even think it was _beating_ anymore.

“I fucking _know_ I agreed!” Calum said in a _much_ quieter voice. Michael made a sound like all of the air had been knocked out of him and Ashton heard the rustle of his clothing as he slumped against the basin, like he couldn’t hold himself up on his own anymore. “But that doesn’t mean I haven’t changed my _mind_ , Mike!”

Calum’s voice was soft and imploring now and, through the crack in the door, Ashton could see Michael’s face in the mirror.

He was _so_ pale that his crimson hair looked as dark as _blood_. There were bags under his eyes like he hadn’t slept in days and he was shaking, trembling so hard that his whole _frame_ seemed to shudder with it. His knuckles were white as he gripped onto the edge of the sink and he looked a lot like he was going to be _sick_.

That thought sent red-hot pain shooting through Ashton’s heart though and he curled in on himself, burying his face in his knees as he wrapped both arms around his legs tightly, suddenly _wishing_ for the burning pain that no longer remained.

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” Michael asked weakly, gripping onto the basin tighter when Calum’s answer made his knees buckle. Ashton wished he couldn't hear them. He wished he was somewhere else - _anywhere_ else. He didn't care - he could be locked in a room with his father and his grandpa for all he cared and it wouldn't matter because he couldn't _stand_ this.

“It means that I fucking love you _too_ , Michael,” Calum breathed out, but it sounded like he was shouting. "I think I _always_ have."

The silence was so, _so_ loud.

And then there was the loudest sob yet and a door slamming against the wall as it was wrenched open, and Michael was gone – running, running, running – and nothing in the _world_ would bring him back, even though he loved Calum so much it hurt, even though he was being a hypocrite now (and Ashton didn’t blame him for even a _moment_ )…

Even though Michael had done _exactly_ the same thing that Calum had done that one night so many months ago now – he got scared and ran away.

The tap kept dripping and Ashton’s tears kept falling and, so slowly it sounded like he didn’t have the energy anymore, Calum shuffled out of the bathroom.

The older boy glimpsed Calum’s face in the mirror when he left and he looked _dead_.

Something stopped Ashton from rising and following him.

All he could _think_ was that this wasn’t how things were supposed to happen.

They were all supposed to be in maths. Michael and Calum were supposed to be best friends. Michael had ripped a croissant apart and had his heart broken, and Calum was **gone**.

Everything was wrong. Wrong, _wrong_ , **_wrong_**.

Ashton didn’t think he could fix things this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all wanted to know what was happening with Calum... and Mike... Uh... n-now you know... _**Ta da**_?  
>  You could let me know what you thought if you liked...  
> Thank you for reading!  
> Um... (also, before you ask me, _yes_ , it gets worse. So, **so** much worse. Sorry.)  
>  *hides*


	98. Warring With Concern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Prepare yourself, Lucas,” he called thickly through the door. “I look sexy.”_  
>  _“Don’t you start calling me Lucas too, Ashton,_ please _,” Luke begged but he was sniggering when he opened the door. “And anyway, you_ always _look sexy, Ash.”_  
>  _The curly-haired boy went pink and slopped Luke’s coffee everywhere, and the blond boy smiled._  
>  _“Smooth,” Luke murmured and Ashton smiled a little._  
>  _“I thought so.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of fluffy, kind of sad.  
> This turned out happier than I had planned actually. That doesn't often happen - you should probably appreciate it while it lasts :P  
> Enjoy! :)

**_Don't wanna hand you all my trouble,_ **

**_Don't wanna give you all my demons,_ **

**_You'll have to watch me struggle,_ **

**_From several rooms away,_ **

**_But tonight I'll need you to stay._ **

_\- The Run And Go, Twenty One Pilots_

 

Ashton had barely staggered through the door just after lunch – and he hadn’t even _tried_ to attend any of his other lessons because his head was a _mess_ , with every thought howling through him like wolves or icy wind, and it was making his heart clench in his chest – when he gave up.

Ashton’s foot caught on the metal bar across the threshold and, before he’d even comprehended the fact that his trainers were peeling _again_ , he’d fallen face-first into the bungalow and smacked his nose into the floor, almost crushing poor Shelly in the process (although the cat yowled and swiped at him before running away so maybe he _wasn’t_ so poor after all).

It was a mark of _just_ how bad Ashton was feeling that he simply lay there with his nose oozing blood and his curls in his eyes.

“Is that you, Ashton?” Sharon’s voice sounded quietly from down the hall and he sniffed pitifully. She walked over and crouched down beside him, cradling a _really_ pissed off-looking Shelly as she gave the curly-haired boy’s shoulder a squeeze. “Would you like a cup of tea, curly?”

Ashton nodded jerkily and she led him into the kitchen by the hand like a child, pushing him into a seat and dropping Shelly onto his lap – Ashton grunted when all of the air was knocked out of him, before immediately sneezing which, in turn, caused the cat to dig his claws in and spring away – and Sharon went to shut the front door before she put the kettle on, humming softly under her breath as she did so.

“Have some kitchen roll, curly,” she said and Ashton raised his eyebrow at the nickname but didn’t comment. His head was kind of starting to pound now and his nose _ached_. “I don’t want blood on the linoleum.”

“What about the tablecloth?” Ashton asked thickly, pinching his nose between his thumb and forefinger, and tilting his head a little to stem the flow of blood. He wondered if his nose was broken and found that he didn’t really care that much.

“I don’t care about the tablecloth. I just don’t want it on the _floor_. Shelly might lick it up and get a taste for it, and then he’d become some sort of vampire cat and it would be just _dreadful_ and –" Sharon fell silent and looked at Ashton for a long, _long_ time. “Normally you would have smirked then and tried not to roll your eyes. What’s wrong?”

“Quite a lot to be honest but most of it isn’t anything I can do all that much _about_ ,” Ashton mumbled, wincing a bit when pain shot through his nose.

Sharon poured boiling water into three separate mugs and Ashton frowned but didn’t comment. Quite honestly, he wouldn’t put it past her to make tea for the _cat_ …

“And is worrying doing anything to _solve_ this abundance of problems?” Sharon asked as she set a mug of tea in front of Ashton. He swapped the hand he was holding the kitchen roll with to his left and took a sip. He figured it was _probably_ good but all he could taste was blood now.

It was hot though – _really_ hot – and he felt the ice that had settled inside his chest slowly starting to thaw.

“No,” he said honestly, because when had him worrying about anything _ever_ made it better?

“Exactly, curly,” she said seriously, sitting down across from him and giving him a small smile over the dragon incense holder. “Now – and I know it will be _very_ difficult for you to part from my wonderful company – lovebird number one _is_ down the hall in your bedroom so if you wanted to drink with him _instead_ , I’m just as happy to watch Mamma Mia with Shelly.”

Ashton wondered why she hadn’t told him Luke was there before and, almost like she _knew_ , her eyes twinkled and she grinned at him, suddenly looking a lot younger than she had done prior to that moment.

“ _What_?” she asked defensively but there was a hint of teasing in her voice. “I wanted to talk to you first, curly.” Ashton felt himself smile almost without meaning to and that _shocked_ him because… god, he’d had the _worst_ morning – he’d been inconsolable in that damn bathroom for _three fucking hours_ before he’d felt strong enough to drag himself back to Sharon’s – and, against the odds, someone had just made him _smile_.

“Now bring Lucas his ghastly coffee and leave me be – and do _try_ to stay in school all day tomorrow please. You only have a few months left now anyway.”

Ashton ducked his head, his cheeks flaming, before he tried to work out how he could keep his bleeding nose covered _and_ carry two mugs of boiling liquid. Sharon made the decision for him though, shoving the kitchen roll up his nose without dignity and handing him the two mugs.

“Is Luke _really_ called Lucas?” Ashton asked when he was halfway down the hallway, turning to look at Luke's aunt over his shoulder. Sharon laughed like he’d said the funniest thing ever before she fell silent to sip her tea again.

“No, why would you think that?” she asked calmly and Ashton snorted, only to regret it a few moments later.

“No reason,” he mumbled but she’d already disappeared through the archway into the living room, calling for her cherub as she did so. Frowning, Ashton turned away and headed down the hallway towards the room he shared with Luke.

The thoughts in his head were starting to _sting_ again.

He was worrying about Luke now though, in _addition_ to everything else that kept him awake at night

The blond boy was having the rest of the week off school. They’d been to the doctors and Luke had been told that, if he didn’t rest and let his ribs heal properly, he _definitely_ wouldn’t be able to dance in the upcoming show that was looming closer and closer by the second, a mere handful of _weeks_ away now.

Ashton wondered where the time had gone to distract himself from the cold _anger_ he felt when he remembered how _badly_ Andrew had hurt his son.

That only reminded Ashton of how angry _Calum_ had been though, and how Michael had been _terrified_ , and by the time Ashton reached the end of the hallway, he felt lost again.

Ashton kicked lightly on the door when he reached it since his hands were full and, when he heard Luke’s soft footsteps approaching, Ashton suddenly became aware (perhaps stupidly) that he had a large quantity of kitchen roll shoved up his still-bleeding nose.

“Prepare yourself, Lucas,” he called thickly through the door. “I look sexy.”

“Don’t you start calling me Lucas too, Ashton, _please_ ,” Luke begged but he was sniggering when he opened the door. “And anyway, you _always_ look sexy, Ash.”

The curly-haired boy went pink and slopped Luke’s coffee everywhere, and the blond boy smiled.

“Smooth,” Luke murmured and Ashton smiled a little.

“I thought so,” he countered but he chose that moment to look up at Luke, to really _see_ him as the sunlight filtered in through the window and painted his blond hair golden as he stood there with his thumbs hooked into his belt loops and a slight smirk tugging at his pale lips.

Ashton wished the thought of kissing Luke – of actually initiating something _physical_ – didn’t send a thrill of dread shooting through him. He wished for it more than _anything_ because something physical might help him forget, and forgetting for a little while was all he could really  _hope_ for nowadays.

Luke’s smile faded when Ashton got close enough that he could accept his drink and the curly-haired boy set his own mug down on the desk, waving his too-hot hands through the air in a useless attempt to cool them.

“How did you hurt your face?” Luke asked and Ashton raised his eyebrows because if the blond boy had _really_ only just spotted the kitchen roll then maybe he needed glasses or something.

“I tripped over when I got back,” Ashton said with a slight shrug, dropping down onto the double bed and spreading out like a starfish.

The fondness on Luke’s face was warring with concern.

“And why are you home so many hours early?” he asked and Ashton shrugged again, uncomfortable now, _uneasy_ almost, like saying it out loud would make it more _real_ somehow.

“I… I couldn’t deal with school today. Too much shit,” Ashton mumbled and, sure, that hadn’t really answered the question at _all_ but Luke seemed willing to let the non-answer pass, and Ashton thought maybe that was something to be pleased about.

“Did you talk to Calum today?”

Ashton tried to ignore the surge of emotion that burnt through him, tried to ignore the fact that there were only two days left, and Calum had been sobbing and _wild_ , and that Michael was heartbroken and Ashton was scared. Very, _very_ scared.

“No,” the curly-haired boy said distractedly and Luke bit his lip, looking conflicted before a low sigh escaped him, like he’d just made a difficult decision.

“You know I told you I’d been skyping Cal?” Luke asked cautiously, clearly hesitant of how Ashton would react after last time. What he obviously _hadn’t_ been expecting was for Ashton to simply roll over on the bed so that he could see Luke better, his eyes a bit glazed and his face slowly starting to bruise. Knowing his luck, he’d probably end up with two black eyes on top of everything else.

“Yeah,” Ashton said heavily, but it came out sounding like a sigh.

“I…” Luke hesitated, setting his coffee down on the desk and coming to sit on the edge of the bed beside Ashton. He didn’t touch the curly-haired boy though, and Ashton was grateful for that.

“I told Calum what happened behind that _awful_ fucking club,” Luke said in a rush and Ashton felt something cold trickle through him, bleeding through the fog of numbness.

 _Logically_ speaking, Ashton supposed it was probably for the better. Calum _was_ one of his best friends – or he _had_ been, when they were **whole** – and it was only _fair_ that he heard (even if Ashton _did_ want nothing more than to pretend that it had never happened – but that wasn’t possible though, because the lingering aches and pains, and the sleepless nights and waking up _screaming_ had put pay to that), but Ashton still felt betrayed, perhaps foolishly.

“How could you tell him?” Ashton found himself asking anyway, because he was an _idiot_ , because he was bone-tired and he couldn’t deal with all of the _pain_ anymore. Because _he’d_ trusted _Luke_ too. “I didn’t want anyone else to know.”

Out of context, the words might have sounded _angry_ but Ashton just sounded tired. So, _so_ tired. He honestly didn’t think he could keep doing this. It was all getting to be too much.

“He’s one of your best friends and he _loves_ you, Ash,” Luke reasoned but his words were gentle as he shifted closer. When the older boy made no move to wriggle away, Luke stroked the older boy’s curls gently and a tear ran down Ashton’s cheek. He felt a pang in his chest.

“Ashton, I… Friends are _supposed_ to tell things so that they can help each other,” Luke whispered and Ashton froze because it _sounded_ like –

“I forgive you, Ash. For… for calling and… and for _everything_ ,” Luke breathed out and he hesitated for a moment before his hand slipped down to cup Ashton’s cheek gently. “And… I’m so, _so_ sorry. I know you only did it because you cared, because you wanted to help, because you _love_ me for some insane reason I’ll probably never be able to fathom… but I get that now, Ash. I _understand_.” Luke stroked Ashton’s cheekbone gently with the pad of his thumb.

“ _I **forgive** you._”

Those three words were almost as important to Ashton as the first time Luke had told him he loved him _too_ was because, sure, Ashton might have basically moved in with Luke and his aunt, and Luke might have told him he still loved him but, up until that point, he had _never_ said he forgave the older boy for calling when he’d asked not to, and that meant more to Ashton that he could possibly _say_.

“I love you more than anything,” Ashton breathed and he was pleasantly surprised when his voice didn’t shake, when Luke didn’t lean down to kiss him because he seemed to _know_ that it would have a negative effect. Ashton had never loved someone _more_ than he loved Luke in that moment, than he loved beautiful _stupid_ Luke with his gleaming ocean-blue eyes and his ridiculously-quiffed blond hair.

“I love you more than pizza and drumming and listening to music,” Ashton mumbled and Luke smiled, remembering. “I love you more than _puppies_ ,” Ashton added earnestly.

Luke’s laugh was a little quiet and a _lot_ sad but his eyes were soft.

“I love you more than _anything_ ,” Luke said, apparently still trying to one-up Ashton if the twinkle in his eyes was anything to go by. Ashton rolled his own watery eyes fondly. “You’re my whole _world_ ,” Luke whispered suddenly, like he was admitting a great secret, and Ashton’s heart seemed to swell to almost _double_ its normal size.

“You’re so s-soppy,” Ashton told him but his voice cracked and his nose was still bleeding sluggishly. The sun was hidden behind drifting clouds outside the window but Luke was the brightest thing Ashton had ever _seen_ , glowing so _pure_ , like all of the stars in the universe had been crammed into one tiny room in a bungalow on the outskirts of Sydney, and even though that was impossible, it _still_ didn’t feel as impossible as someone like _Luke_ loving someone like _Ashton_.

“That’s what you love about me,” Luke said, and the curly-haired boy’s laugh came out halfway between a sob and a hiccup. Ashton couldn’t deny it.

Luke settled down hesitantly behind Ashton and, although he pressed himself along the length of Ashton’s back, there was nothing remotely sexual about it. It just felt warm and surprisingly _safe_ , and Ashton found himself growing drowsy, content to leave his worries for another day.

“Do you _really_ think I’m sexy, Lukey?” he mumbled, already more than half-asleep. Luke’s lips curled into a thin smile against Ashton’s neck.

“Yep,” the blond boy confirmed and Ashton didn’t even have to _look_ to know that he was blushing. He could feel the heat of Luke’s burning skin against his own. “Sexy and beautiful and smarter than you give yourself credit for, Ash, and a _lot_ cuter too. You’re perfect.”

Ashton pulled a face and Luke shrugged, pressing the most fleeting of kisses to the back of Ashton’s neck. He didn’t shudder.

“Well, you’re perfect to _me_ anyway,” Luke amended quietly and Ashton smiled a small smile, settling back more comfortably against the blond boy and not even remembering to _flinch_ when arms wound securely around his waist, keeping him there.

They fell asleep tangled up together like that and Luke’s hand on Ashton’s hip didn’t make him feel panicky anymore, and something just seemed to _**click**_ , and sure, maybe they _did_ fall asleep with tears drying on their cheeks and lips cold from not kissing, but Ashton was curled up against Luke’s chest and the taller boy’s arms were warm and protective around him, and this was _theirs_ – it was _always_ going to be theirs, and no one could take that away from them.

Not _ever_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> It means the world!


	99. Grey Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton sagged back against the counter and Luke dropped another kiss onto the top of Ashton’s head as grey light slowly filtered into the kitchen, making everything look sadder and more_ human _than it did in the light._  
>  _“This is all going to be okay, Ash,” Luke promised but he sounded like his_ heart _was breaking at the pain he could see on his boyfriend’s face._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out to be SO much more angsty than I'd intended. Oh my god.  
> Sorry. It was meant to be cute. I don't know what happened.

_**So you can keep me,** _

_**Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans,** _

_**Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet.** _

_**You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home.** _

_\- Photograph, Ed Sheeran_

 

Ashton jerked awake with Luke’s alarm, his eyes snapping open as he searched for the younger boy in the empty sheets.

“It’s okay, Ash,” Luke whispered from somewhere close in the darkness, his lips brushing Ashton’s. “Just go back to sleep. You don’t need to get up for another half an hour.”

“That’s cute, Luke,” Ashton mumbled wryly, sitting up and wiping the sleep from his eyes with his fists. He could _feel_ how much his hair was sticking out and the oversized t-shirt he’d dragged on the night before was slipping down his shoulder, and it made him feel _small_.

“Ash, seriously, you look _tired_. Just get some more sleep and I’ll see you later –“

“If you let me get up now, I’ll give you a lift to school,” the older boy countered and, when Luke hesitated, Ashton _nearly_ giggled. “C’mon, Lukey,” he said in a much softer voice as something occurred to him. “It’s your first day back since… Let me do this for you. Please.”

“Ash, I… you really _don’t_ have to worry,” Luke murmured but Ashton was already pulling his uniform on in the darkness and tying a bandana around his head to keep his messy curls out of his face.

“Are you sure about that, Luke?” he asked softly and the blond boy froze in the darkness. “What if Aleisha says something or –?”

“Doesn’t sound as though there’s very much I can do about that though,” Luke interrupted but his voice was low, like he was mulling that over. Ashton sat down on the edge of the bed to pull his socks on but he looked up in surprise when Luke suddenly gave a low chuckle. “It’s okay actually,” the blond boy said, answering Ashton’s questioning look. “Mike skyped me a few days ago and said he’d beat the shit out of anyone if they hurt me so…”

Ashton gave a small laugh too but his heart was aching at the thought of someone _else_ hurting Luke. He’d had to suffer through too much already. “How things change,” Ashton mumbled and Luke snorted, throwing his balled-up jumper at the older boy’s head.

“C’mon, Ash,” Luke said with a grin that only looked a _tiny_ bit forced. “Go and clean your teeth, and then we can get breakfast.”

Ashton did as he was asked, still pretty tired despite insisting that he wanted to get up too, and although the older boy cringed at his reflection as he stood in the bathroom, looking a lot like a zombie, he knew he looked nowhere _near_ as wrecked as Michael had looked yesterday.

The red-haired boy had looked _overwhelmed_ with devastation almost and, although Ashton had realised yesterday that maybe trying not to worry about things he had no control over would be a good idea, he just felt awful now.

Calum and Michael _needed_ to talk to each other, to sort things out and get help and make it _work_ , and yet, all Ashton had done was fall flat-on his face – and his nose really _was_ looking bruised this morning – and cuddle Luke. It was _selfish_.

By the time he sat down across from Luke at the kitchen table, he felt gloomy and helpless again.

The kitchen was quiet and dark, the only sound coming from the gentle ticking of a kitten-patterned clock hanging on the wall. The kitchen light was off but pale, weak sunlight was drifting in through the windows between gaps in the clouds, even as the traces of sky visible gradually lightened from navy to a light purplish-blue.

“I think Sharon’s out,” Luke said as he set two glasses of apple juice carefully on the table. Shelly darted into the room through his cat flap, momentarily distracting the two boys, and Luke bent to pet him before he continued fixing their cereal. “Her car’s still there but she’s not in her room.”

“Oh,” Ashton murmured, scratching idly at the ragged edge of one of the placemats on the table as he nibbled at his lip. “Maybe she’s gone for another walk then. She likes watching the sunrise from that spot near the pier, right?”

“Good point,” Luke acknowledged, setting a bowl of cornflakes in front of Ashton and sitting down across from him with his own. As the minutes ticked on, closer and closer to half six in the morning, the blond boy dropped his spoon into his bowl and rubbed his eyes for a moment before breaking the silence. “It feels like we’ve both been here a lot longer than we have.”

Ashton looked up at Luke, his hazel eyes soft and deep and positively _drowning_ with emotions. When Luke reached out to touch his jaw gently with his thumb, the deafening roar of Ashton’s thoughts dulled to a manageable murmur, and Luke made a small soothing noise.

“It feels like a lot longer than four days,” Ashton said and, before he could stop himself, he added: “It _feels_ like I’ve known you _forever_.”

“I know,” Luke said, and he looked a little bit sad and confused and _lost_ , but mostly just content. “It’s the best feeling in the world.”

Ashton tilted his head into Luke’s palm and they stayed like that for a moment, just sitting there and _looking_ at each other, taking everything in, until Shelly made a grumbling sound and scampered away, and the clock struck half past six.

“Fifteen minutes and we’ll need to leave if I’m gonna get you there in time for that thing,” Ashton reminded Luke, referring to the meeting that the blond boy had arranged with his dance teacher to discuss whether or not he would be able to participate in the show. “How’re you feeling anyway? Like physically, I mean.”

“I don’t know,” Luke said, finishing off his cornflakes and frowning down into the empty bowl. “Still hurts quite a lot if I twist without warning or something but it’s not enough to take my breath away now. I think I’ll be okay. Just have to see what she says.”

“I’m sure it’ll be okay then,” Ashton promised but Luke was fixing him with a long look, his ocean-blue eyes almost _steely_. Ashton winced because he thought he knew what was coming.

“How are _you_ feeling today, Ash?” the younger boy asked and, although he looked determined, the pain that he was desperately trying (and failing) to conceal was evident on his face. “Do you still… _hurt_?”

He choked on the word and Ashton set his spoon back in the bowl carefully, no longer hungry.

“I ache a bit. That’s it. It’s fine,” the older boy mumbled, ducking his head as he carried their bowls over to the sink and wishing that he wasn’t wearing a bandana because now his curls couldn’t tumble forwards to hide his face when he hung his head.

The silence in the kitchen was strained but, when Luke appeared behind him, careful not to touch him until he _knew_ Ashton had seen him in the reflection of the window, the tension gradually bled away when Luke pressed a gentle kiss to the back of Ashton’s neck.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, tucking his face away there and inhaling the familiar, comforting scent as Ashton started to wash the bowls up. “I just worry about you. You’re the most important person I’ve ever met and you’re _so_ special. If you’re hurting, I want to know so I can do something about it. I _love_ you.”

“Ditto,” Ashton said, because he felt a bit like a dick now, and when Luke pouted at him, Ashton managed a faint smile, tilting his head to press a kiss to the corner of Luke’s mouth, where his lip-ring was. “As it happens,” he continued and Luke relaxed against him behind, cuddling Ashton closer as the older boy set the bowls on the drying rack. “I love you too.”

Ashton tried to smile at the happiness on Luke’s face but he remembered Calum and Michael’s exchange yesterday, and the pain that swept through him made him feel _miles_ away from Luke, trapped somewhere cold and frightened with no hope of returning before he tried to make everything _okay_ again.

“There’s something else,” Luke murmured, his expression wary now, and Ashton slumped against him as he let the water drain away. “What is it, Ash?” he asked softly.

Ashton sighed.

“I think it’s going to take a little bit longer than fifteen minutes to tell you,” he muttered jokingly but his heart was heavy in his chest. Ashton took a deep breath before he wriggled around to face Luke properly. “You know you mentioned that you thought there was something wrong with Calum yesterday?”

“Yes,” Luke said hesitantly, dropping a kiss onto Ashton’s forehead before he turned to get their separate lunch bags from the fridge. Ashton chewed on his lip, looking down at his socks as he tried to calm his breathing.

“I… I kind of already know something and… and I don’t want to lie to you anymore…” Luke looked up sharply, his ocean-blue eyes almost _frightened_ , and Ashton hurriedly elaborated. “I mean, that sounds a _lot_ worse than it is and it doesn’t even involve me – I just… I guessed and… and it was _right_ and… I really wish it wasn’t…”

“ _Ash_ ,” Luke said warningly but he looked alarmed. “Ashton, what’s going on?”

“And things are even more complicated with Michael and Calum now _too_ , Luke,” Ashton babbled, his eyes too-wide now and his breathing uneven. “And – and _yesterday_ I heard something and I shouldn’t have and I don’t know what to –”

“ _ASHTON_!” Luke yelled but his tone was soft and his hands were gentle on Ashton’s shoulders. “ _Please_ calm down and tell me properly, from the beginning. I don’t care if it makes me late for that damn meeting. **You’re** more important. _Way_ more important.”

Ashton sagged back against the counter and Luke dropped another kiss onto the top of Ashton’s head as grey light slowly filtered into the kitchen, making everything look sadder and more _human_ than it did in the light.

“This is all going to be okay, Ash,” Luke promised but he sounded like his _heart_ was breaking at the pain he could see on his boyfriend’s face. “Just… tell it from the beginning. _Please_.”

Ashton took a deep, shaky breath and began to speak.

He thought maybe the hardest part was watching Luke’s expression of forced calm _crumble_.

Ashton told Luke _everything_.

He told him about how Calum had told Michael that he loved him too, and what the older boy's reaction had been. He told Luke about how his suspicions about Calum had been correct, told him that Calum made himself sick and that he _cut_ too, more than Ashton _ever_ had. He told him about how he _couldn’t_ tell Michael because he just _knew_ that the red-haired boy would do something rash and make Calum even _worse_.

Ashton explained that Calum only had one day left before he did something about it, except maybe he _wouldn’t_ because it might not _help_ , and when Ashton confessed that he had no idea what to do but that he _should_ , because it was his _job_ to look after the people he cared about, Luke lost all composure and pulled him into a tight enough hug that his voice came out muffled.

“Nothing Calum is going through is your fault, Ashton,” Luke said in such a low voice that it didn’t have a chance to break. “It’s not _anyone_ ’s fault and… and maybe that makes this even _sadder_ – I don’t know – but it’s _true_. This is _not_ your fault, Ashton.”

“Cal keeps avoiding me, Luke,” Ashton breathed, his face tucked into the taller boy’s chest.

Somehow, Luke still heard him.

“Ash, we need to tell someone _now_ and –“

“ _I can’t tell anyone yet, Luke_!” Ashton said sharply but his voice was several octaves too high and he was panicking again.

“Then there’s nothing else we can _do_ , Ash,” Luke said weakly and his tone held the same desperation that Ashton had been feeling for almost a _week_ now. “All… all we can do is… is just show him that we’re still _here_. That we haven’t _left_ him… I… I don’t know what else to _say_.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Ashton mumbled but his eyes were wet with tears and _he_ was going to be late for school if they didn’t leave soon, let _alone_ Luke.

“But we _will_ have to say something,” Luke argued and, although they held hands on the way out to Ashton’s car, the journey was silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do _you_ think would help Calum most at this point? The fic's already planned out and, although I'm skirting around the plan now, I know where I'm taking this. I'm just curious as to what you're all thinking. :)  
>  Thank you so much for reading though and I'm sorry if this hurt you as much as it pained me to write it <3


	100. The Same Kick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _It made him feel terrified because there was_ no _numbness left now and he felt so aware of everything, conscious of everything that could and_ would _go wrong, and_ **terrified** _, because it felt like he was being torn apart at the seams and nothing could stop him from crumbling to dust now, not if things carried on in the way they were._  
>  _ **Nothing**._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the 100th chapter!  
> What the actual hell... _Where_ has all the time gone?! :O  
>  Thank you all so much for reading and sticking around though - it means the world and I really, really hope you're all still enjoying this <3  
> Thank you :)

**_You said some day we might,_ **

**_When I'm closer to your height,_ **

**_'Til then we'll knock around, endlessly._ **

**_You're all I need._ **

_\- fallingforyou, The 1975_

 

It was a funny sort of day in the end.

Ashton spent much of it on his own, keeping his head down as he _tried_ to revise for the fast-approaching exams, but it just wasn’t _possible_ anymore. His thoughts were whirling around in his head, too fast to comprehend, and more and more worries seemed to be making themselves apparent with every passing _second_.

Calum had actually spent some time with him that morning before lessons. He’d pulled Ashton into a tight, _tight_ hug (and the fact that it was weaker than one of _Harry’s_ hugs had been made Ashton’s heart clench with pain) and apologised, and it had actually taken Ashton a moment to remember that Luke had told him, to remember that Calum _knew_.

Ashton had spent a little while convincing the football captain that he was feeling a lot better than he _had_ been – he left out the part about the constant nightmares and the fear of any kind of intimacy at all, and he wasn’t even going to _mention_ the panic attacks that had worsened since that fateful night – but all too soon the conversation had drifted towards the countdown.

Calum had _begged_ Ashton for ‘ _just a little more time_ ’. He’d told him he wasn’t ready yet, that Mali still hadn’t come home and that his parents would be cut up about it, and he’d given this slightly hysterical little laugh that sounded a bit like a sob and had made Ashton _promise_ not to tell anyone yet, and the older boy had stupidly agreed, because he’d never been able to say no where his friends were concerned.

He’d never been able to say no at _all_.

He’d stumbled to music after that but he’d declined Mrs. McKay’s offer of playing on the drums, instead simply choosing to slump low in his seat and let her words wash over him as she prepared them for their final project.

She kept him behind afterwards, since it was the end of the day, sitting on the edge of the desk in front of him and looking sad when he suddenly jolted upright, noticing for the first time that everyone else had left.

“I know things are hard for you at the moment, Mr. Irwin,” she said softly but her voice held poorly-concealed concern. “Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”

‘ ** _Yes_**!’ Ashton wanted to scream, but he didn’t.

“No, miss,” he murmured and she looked disheartened for a moment before, after hesitating for a moment, she gave him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder.

“Things _will_ get better, Mr. Irwin,” she promised but her brow creased when Ashton gave a hopeless little smile at that. “You just have to give them the _chance_ to.” She gave him a long look, waiting until he glanced up at her, and her eyes were surprisingly soft. "You just have to stick around to _see_ them get better."

Ashton had to leave before he broke down in _tears_ , slinging his backpack over his shoulder and escaping from the classroom, because he’d _always_ had a soft spot for Mrs. McKay, and he couldn’t stand someone being so _kind_ to him when he was feeling so vulnerable.

It made him feel terrified because there was _no_ numbness left now and he felt so _aware_ of everything, conscious of everything that could and _would_ go wrong, and **_terrified_** , because it felt like he was being torn apart at the seams and nothing could stop him from crumbling to dust now, not if things carried on in the way they were.

 ** _Nothing_**.

He drove home recklessly, driving too fast and braking too late, and it gave him the same kick he’d got when he was younger, when he’d crossed the road without looking because he just didn’t _care_ anymore.

Luke was already home when Ashton pulled up in the driveway and he saw the blond boy’s face appear in the window, glowing with what _looked_ like excitement, although the expression faded when he saw the slightly wild-eyed look on his boyfriend’s face.

The blond boy hurried out to meet Ashton, reaching the older boy as he slammed his car door shut a little too hard and let his bruised face fall to rest against the cool glass.

“Ash?” Luke whispered, not touching, apparently not sure if he was _allowed_.

Ashton turned to kiss him and, although Luke made a startled sound, his hands settled on the curly-haired boy’s shoulders and he whimpered when Ashton pressed him back against the car.

“Ash, what’s going on?” Luke gasped when Ashton broke the kiss quickly, panting as he lowered his head onto Luke’s shoulder now. He was shaking, wound so tightly that he felt like he was about to _explode_ , and the panic racing in his veins was drowned out by the anger and the desperation he could feel at never being able to _help_ anyone.

“Nothing new,” he said shortly, which was true, which was a lie, which didn’t seem to make any damn _sense_ anymore. “How was your day? How did the meeting go?”

“She was annoyed that I was late but she said I can still dance,” Luke said and, although he still looked _incredibly_ worried, his eyes were shining a little too, betraying his excitement. Despite himself, Ashton smiled a tight smile.

If Luke was happy, that was one less thing to torment himself over. Luke came first.

He _loved_ Luke.

“Ash, your nan's inside with your brother and sister,” Luke added, his voice delicate. “Are… are you gonna be okay to come inside? I don’t think seeing them when you’re like this would be the best idea to be honest…”

Ashton looked at his reflection in the car window and he saw what Luke meant.

The only word to describe him was _frazzled_ , like he’d been stretched too thin. He looked worn out, _exhausted_ really, and that was only exacerbated by the bruising on his face and the wildness in his too-bright eyes.

For the first time in _weeks_ , Ashton felt his wrists itch, like he needed to cut them, like he needed to drag something sharp across the skin and bleed until he could _breathe_ again… or until he couldn’t breathe at all.

He didn’t care which. Either would be better than _this_.

“I want to see them,” he said but his voice came out sounding rough and he wondered if maybe Luke had a point. “I…” He drew in a deep, shuddering breath and realised he was trembling. His cheeks flamed. “I _really_ **need** to see them, Lukey.”

He felt like it was kind of a low blow to use that nickname, but it worked. The blond boy gave in, picking Ashton’s backpack up off the ground from where Ashton hadn’t even realised it had _fallen_ and taking the older boy’s hand securely in his own as he led him back towards the bungalow.

“Don’t be scared, Ashy,” Luke breathed and, up until that moment, Ashton hadn’t realised he was _frightened_ of seeing Grace and the little ones, but he was. He really, _really_ was. “It’ll be alright.”

“ _Will_ it be alright though?” the smaller boy asked weakly, stopping Luke from opening the front door with a shaking hand.

Luke’s expression became pained and, even though Ashton knew he couldn’t _really_ know such a thing, Luke’s words soothed the agony inside him to a gentle _ache_.

“I promise, Ash,” Luke whispered, his lips brushing Ashton’s tenderly. “I **_promise_**.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought of this update!  
> It means more than I can say that you're still reading this, honestly :) I thought people would be bored by chapter 10 :')  
> Thank you so so so much, guys <3 you rock x  
> P.S. You guys thought I forgot about Mrs. McKay didn't you?! Well you're right I did, sorry.


	101. Second Nature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton was_ so _gone for Luke that the pain of falling in love and having his heart sear itself in two didn’t even_ hurt _anymore._  
>  _Luke wasn’t morphine, numbing the pain and making Ashton_ addicted _– those days were long past._  
>  _Luke was water instead, gentle and calm which was just what Ashton needed, and_ always _there too, impossible to live without._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kinda short but I just thought it was better to break the longer update I've been writing into two bits - I think this works better on its own.  
> I hope you enjoy it!

**_Not even the bad guys in the dark night,_ **

**_Could take it all away._ **

_\- Once In A Lifetime, One Direction_

 

In the end, Luke’s promise came true.

What could have proved to be a _very_ awkward visit just… _wasn’t_.

The very moment her grandson entered the bungalow, Grace Irwin had emerged into the empty hallway and enveloped him in her arms, squeezing him so tightly to her chest that, for the most fleeting of moments, it actually felt like maybe he wasn’t falling apart anymore, like perhaps the gaping wound in his chest might have healed.

That was of course proved false once Grace had drawn back a little but Ashton tried not to let the pain show on his face. He must not have done a very good job though because she kissed him on the forehead and held him by the shoulders gently.

“I’m so, _so_ sorry you’ve had to deal with so many terrible things,” she said quietly, her cloudy eyes soft and very, _very_ sad. For the first time, Ashton was struck by how _old_ she was and when he pulled her back into his arms, it was with the desperation of a child.

“Oh, _Ashton_ ,” she breathed, like she knew what he was thinking. “I won’t patronise you and say that it’s okay because it’s _not_ – and likely won’t be for rather a long time – but it _will_ get better. This whole _mess_ will. I promise you.” Ashton didn’t know what expression was on his face but Grace sighed softly, taking his hand and leading him back down the hallway to the living room door where Luke was waiting.

“Come on now,” she said, giving his hand a squeeze before she pushed him gently towards Luke. “We’ve brought the rest of your things round and Sharon’s just made us all tea.”

Luke’s arm slipped around Ashton’s waist, anchoring him, and Grace gave them both a gentle smile before she opened the living room door, letting herself back in. Ashton could hear Lauren cooing over something – probably Shelly – and Harry’s helpless giggles as Sharon said something which was _probably_ incredibly inappropriate.

Luke pressed a gentle kiss to Ashton’s cheek and, for once, no panic rippled through him. This was _okay_. Luke was **_good_**.

“Don’t be scared,” the blond boy reminded him as the door opened and the little ones fell silent.

The last time he’d seen Harry had been when Ashton was leaving with Luke. He’d pulled his startled little brother into a hug and he’d left quickly, fighting to ignore the betrayal he’d seen on Harry’s face in the moments before the front door slammed shut.

It had been even _more_ awkward with Lauren. They’d had a very stilted conversation on the phone because she’d been offended and angry, and so upset that it had _shocked_ Ashton. He wondered if she was still upset with him now – if they were _both_ upset – and he worried that maybe they wouldn’t even want to _talk_ to him anymore.

He didn’t think he could _deal_ with that. Not when he’d practically raised them by _himself_.

His worries were proved pointless in the end though.

Before he’d even really had time to process what was happening, Harry had flung himself into Ashton’s arms, barrelling into him _so_ hard that it was only Luke standing behind Ashton that kept the older boy upright.

“I missed you, Ashy, so much! No one will play football with me or slide down the hallway in their socks and it’s _boring_!”

“Hey, I did that with you _yesterday_ , Harry!” Lauren complained from where she was sitting beside Sharon on the sofa, petting a _very_ satisfied-looking Shelly.

“ _Nuh-uh_!” Harry disagreed, shaking his head so vigorously that he made himself dizzy. “You slipped over on your _bum_ and then you told me off for laughing at you and you wouldn’t play anymore!”

“Oh _do_ be quiet, Harry,” Lauren said loftily before she walked over, nudged her little brother out of the way and pulled Ashton into a hug. “And I missed him more than you, so there!” She purposefully stepped on the curly-haired boy’s foot on her return to the sofa so maybe she was still sulking a _little_ bit but, really, Ashton had never minded anything _less_.

Beside him, Luke seemed to be biting the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing but the curly-haired boy just felt fondness and relief rushing through him.

He hadn’t lost them.

“Come and sit down, you two,” Sharon said and Luke seemed to shake himself, sitting down on the arm of one of the sofas and pushing Ashton lightly down onto the main seat. The older boy suddenly, inexplicably couldn’t _stand_ the thought of being away from Luke though and he pulled the blond boy down into his lap.

Luke went with it, his cheeks flaming even as he snuggled closer, folding his long legs up on the chair too, and Ashton’s arms wrapped around him like it was second nature.

There were no cuts there to ache.

Harry was watching them curiously from his seat beside Grace but Lauren seemed more intent on stroking a loudly-purring Shelly, her face lighting up every time the cat butted his head affectionately against her hand.

“Grandpa tried to throw your drum kit away yesterday, Ashy!” Harry said suddenly, disturbing the quiet. Ashton felt Luke tense in his lap but he forced himself to calm down, breathing as evenly as he could as he pressed a kiss to the blond boy’s shoulder.

“Nan didn’t let him though,” Lauren added, frowning as she finally looked away from Shelly. The cat grumbled. “Even though he got _really_ annoyed.”

“Yes, well,” Grace sighed, looking uncomfortable, and Ashton took a sip of his tea, still fighting for calm. He _really_ didn’t like to think of George getting angry around the little ones. “Grandpa’s favourite watch mysteriously went missing yesterday so I’d call that karma.”

Ashton looked at the twinkle in her eye and, strangely, he was almost reminded of _Sharon_.

“Nanny gave me two dollars to throw it in the pond!” Harry crowed delightedly and Ashton choked on his tea even as, for a moment, his eyes burnt with unshed tears as pure _love_ overwhelmed him.

He didn’t feel like he _belonged_ with them though.

That feeling of belonging had only appeared when he’d moved into Sharon’s spare bedroom with **_Luke_** , as strange as that sounded now.

Ashton wondered when Luke had become his home.

He thought maybe he kind of _always_ had been, even on that first day they’d met on the pier, because Luke had cared in a way that no one else had, had made Ashton feel things that he knew he would _never_ feel for anyone else.

Ashton was _so_ gone for Luke that the pain of falling in love and having his heart sear itself in two didn’t even _hurt_ anymore.

Luke wasn’t morphine, numbing the pain and making Ashton _addicted_ – those days were long past.

Luke was water instead, gentle and calm which was just what Ashton needed, and _always_ there too, impossible to live without.

Being with him felt like he was washing away all of the grime and the pain that had built up over the years until all that was left was **_Ashton_** , fresh and clean and new underneath, the same Ashton that he’d _always_ been, even if his eyes _didn’t_ sparkle anymore.

Luke’s eyes were bright enough for both of them anyway though, so it didn't really matter.

They always _would_ be.

The older boy pressed his lips gently to the warm skin of Luke's neck and the blond boy settled back more comfortably against him, letting his head loll to the side so that he could kiss Ashton's jaw, his lip-ring dragging gently across the tanned skin there.

"I love you too, Ash," Luke murmured, like he knew what Ashton was thinking, like maybe _he_ felt the same way too.

Ashton smiled into Luke's neck.

Maybe everything _would_ be okay between them after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> These next handful of chapters are very much the calm before the storm, just so you know... I'm surprised that there's still _any_ fluff in it but it's gonna get sad again soon...  
>  Sorry. Like you're not all expecting it at this point :P


	102. Ether And Stardust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Lauren’s head was cushioned on Ashton’s chest and Harry was snuggled up under his arm and, for just a moment, Ashton didn’t want the hug to_ end _._  
>  _“Your heart’s beating so_ fast _, Ash,” Lauren breathed, concerned. “What are you afraid of?”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short and took me so long to write.  
> I'm not really feeling... anything much at the moment.

**_I know these scars will bleed,_ **

**_But both of our hearts believe,_ **

**_All of these stars will guide us home._ **

_\- All Of The Stars, Ed Sheeran_

 

Sharon invited Grace and the little ones to stay for dinner in the end, and it felt _strange_ to hear their voices and laughter ringing out again.

Luke was fixing them up a fruit salad to have after dinner, swaying gently to the Green Day song playing on the radio as Sharon showed the little ones how to make chicken stir-fry.

When Ashton appeared behind his boyfriend and hooked his chin over the taller boy’s shoulder, Luke turned to kiss him and his mouth tasted of the raspberries he was emptying into a bowl.

“Hello, you,” Luke smiled, breaking the kiss to drop another one on Ashton’s nose. “How’re you feeling?”

“Alright,” Ashton said dismissively, looking away from Luke, so he wouldn’t see the lie in his eyes. “Are you?”

Luke nodded slowly but he looked concerned, especially when Ashton drew away from him.

“I need to ask nan something,” the older boy said, answering Luke’s questioning look with a slight shrug. “I’ll be back soon.”

“Okay,” Luke mumbled uncertainly but Ashton had already drifted back over to where Grace was sitting at the kitchen table, fixing the little dragon holder with a sceptical expression as the music continued to play.

“Hey, nan,” Ashton said and she looked up, her eyes soft and sad and faraway. “You want to go sit in the living room for a bit while we wait for dinner?”

She followed him gladly enough but the concern on her face mirrored Luke’s as the pair entered the living room, shutting the door quietly behind them so that the music became muted.

"You want to talk about something," Grace realised as she sat down on the sofa, folding her hands in her lap when it became apparent that Ashton wasn't going to sit down beside her.

He stood by the window instead, staring out over the swimming pool and frowning when the slowly-setting sun reflected off the ripples into his eyes.

"Does... does _George_ know about... about what happened?"

Grace flinched at her husband's name but her expression darkened and she rose, crossing the room slowly and taking Ashton's much larger hand in her own as she stood beside him, gazing out over the sunny evening.

Her grip anchored Ashton, made it feel like maybe not _everything_ was crumbling around him into ether and stardust.

"Yes," Grace said after a moment's hesitation and Ashton's knees felt weak.

"What did he say?" he whispered, so low that his voice didn't have a chance to give out like it wanted to.

If Grace's expression had been dark before, it was _grim_ now and her hand tightened infinitesimally around her grandson's.

"Nothing that needs repeating," she said, pursing her lips and looking so _cold_ , a sheet of ice that was fracturing, slowly at first so no one noticed, but soon it would shatter into a million pieces, the cold tearing through everyone surrounding it like _knives_.

"I'm going to take a turn of the garden," she said in a voice of forced calm, like her husband's behaviour hurt a _lot_ more than she was letting on.

She pressed a fleeting kiss to Ashton's cheek before she disappeared but, before he heard the front door open and close, her soft voice met his ears.

Ashton's heart was pounding in his chest and he gripped the windowsill tightly, biting back tears as a shudder ran through his shaking frame. His arms were throbbing worse than ever, _itching_ with the need to –

“Ashy?”

Harry’s voice was small and uncertain, and Ashton had barely had time to feel his cheeks positively _flame_ at being caught in such a state when Lauren’s arms wrapped hesitantly around his waist and his little brother darted forwards to hug his leg.

“Nanny said we should come and cuddle you because you’re sad,” Harry informed Ashton as Lauren cuddled him tighter. “Why’re you sad, Ashy?”

The little boy’s eyes were wide and blue, innocent in their earnestness, and Lauren reached around Ashton to give Harry a _very_ gentle flick round the ear.

“Shhh,” she mumbled, her voice reproachful. “Nan said not to ask him, Haz.”

Ashton was grateful for that.

“Are you sad about mummy?” Harry asked in an even softer voice. Lauren stilled behind Ashton. “It’s okay if you are, Ashy. That’s what Lauren says when _I’m_ sad.”

“ _Harry_ ,” Ashton said in a strained voice. Lauren took the hint.

“Nan said to _hug_ Ashton, Harry. Not make him feel _worse_.”

Harry grumbled a bit but, somehow, the three of them ended up huddled up together on one of the sofas.

Lauren’s head was cushioned on Ashton’s chest and Harry was snuggled up under his arm and, for just a moment, Ashton didn’t want the hug to _end_.

“Your heart’s beating so _fast_ , Ash,” Lauren breathed, concerned. “What are you afraid of?”

He only shook his head and held them tighter, unable to face the thought of letting them _go_. He knew he’d have to though, even if thinking about the little ones having to walk through the world on their own _did_ terrify him.

But they were growing and changing – he could _see_ that now – and maybe they weren’t so little anymore _after_ all, and it was only now that he was realising that.

“You’re squeezing me, Ashy,” Harry complained, and the moment was broken.

“Sorry,” Ashton whispered, withdrawing from them quickly, but he thought that Lauren gently squeezing his hand in her own in the moments before she stood up made all the difference in the world.

Harry scrambled to his feet but he was watching his older brother intently.

“Don’t be sad, Ashy,” he said quietly and Lauren nodded in agreement.

Ashton forced a smile onto his face from somewhere deep inside of him. It was broken and _weak_ , but Lauren and Harry wanted it to be real, so that was what they saw.

“Are you two going to be okay?” Ashton asked and his voice was serious enough that Lauren gave him a curious look. Harry just grinned though, nodding, and the curly-haired boy saw that his little brother was missing a tooth that had remained stubbornly wobbly for a _very_ long time.

Ashton wondered when it had fallen out.

“We’re gonna be just fine, Ash,” Lauren promised, putting her arm around Harry and giving him a comforting squeeze.

When Ashton smiled then, he almost meant it.

 _Almost_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading - let me know what you thought if you like. :/  
> And for everyone who's happy about Ashton having such a caring family... It makes you think about the people who DON'T have family like Ashton's, right...?  
> *cough* Calum *cough*


	103. The Devil His Due

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton tried not to cut until his hands felt cold and his forehead was damp with sweat. He tried not to until the breath rasped in his lungs, until he couldn’t draw enough air in past the knot in his chest to stop his_ head _from swimming._  
>  _He tried so hard he felt like he was about to_ burst _._  
>  _And then he gave in, like he_ always _did._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I liked writing this update. Idk. Hope it doesn't suck.

**_Someone please come pull me out,_ **

**_From the shadow of my doubt,_ **

**_Wake me up,_ **

**_I'm falling._ **

_\- Something's Gotta Give, All Time Low_

 

Ashton was alone that evening.

Luke had reluctantly gone to meet one of his fellow dancers in a coffee shop in town to discuss the upcoming show – Luke had responded to Ashton’s: “Should I be jealous, Lukey?” with a biting: “ _No_. She’s a tiny woman with a vagina, Irwin.” – and he hadn’t _wanted_ to go but Ashton had made him, and Sharon had gone out to buy them food for the week, although she’d seemed unwilling to leave the curly-haired boy too.

To give the devil his due though, Ashton had _tried_ to stay strong for them both, but it hadn’t been enough.

It was _never_ enough.

 **He** wasn’t enough.

Ashton tried not to cut until his hands felt cold and his forehead was damp with sweat. He tried not to until the breath rasped in his lungs, until he couldn’t draw enough air in past the knot in his chest to stop his _head_ from swimming.

He tried so hard he felt like he was about to _burst_.

And then he gave in, like he _always_ did.

The razor blade was tucked away inside its old envelope in their room, hidden in the dark, shameful part of his bag where no one else went.

When Ashton dragged it down the slowly-healing skin on the inside of his wrist, he felt _faint_ at the emotions running through him: anger, guilt, shame, regret, and then dizzying _relief_ that this still worked, that this still loosened the knot in his chest enough that he could _breathe_ again –

And then the first wave of numbness rolled over Ashton as a bead of blood welled up out of the cut and he remembered why he’d been trying so hard to stop in the first place.

Shelly began to meow pitifully through the door, clawing at it in an attempt to get in before he gave up a few minutes later and padded away.

Ashton sat there with his back pressed against the wood, _frozen_ almost as he watched the single cut on his arm bleeding sluggishly.

He heard the cat flap faintly and, a few moments later, Shelly’s face appeared through the window. He meowed again when he saw Ashton sitting slumped there, opening his mouth wide so that all of his fangs were on display as his tail writhed backwards and forwards uneasily, like a snake.

“Demon cat,” Ashton mumbled but his voice was saturated with confusion. He let his head fall forwards onto his knees, pulled up against his chest as they were, and his bloodied arm remained hanging limply by his side.

He wanted Luke.

He wanted to clean his arm. He wanted Sharon to get her damned cat to stop _staring_ at him. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again.

But _most_ of all, he wanted **Luke**.

He _needed_ him.

Something strange happened and Ashton wondered if he was going _mad_ or something because he was almost _certain_ that he’d just seen the blond boy running up the drive through a slim gap in the curtains.

Ashton didn’t see why it _would_ be when Luke was supposedly out, enjoying an evening with _normal_ people, but if it was then he _really_ needed to clean his arm up and pull himself together again.

Ashton _didn’t_ though – all he did was wipe the blade off on his trousers and tuck it back into its hiding place – and maybe that said a lot about how _lost_ he felt.

“ _ASHTON_?!”

He heard the front door slam shut and he waited to feel panic or pain or _something_ but there was only shame.

He hesitated for only a moment before crawling over to lean against the bed.

“In h-here…” he called but his voice cracked. Luke heard him anyway.

The blond boy opened the door slowly, like he was frightened of what he might see on the other side.

“Ash?” Luke said softly, shutting the bedroom door behind him to keep Shelly out before he knelt down a short distance away, his eyes agonised. “Ash, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay. We can _fix_ this. We can –”

“No, we can’t.” Ashton’s voice was quiet and weak until, suddenly, it _wasn’t_ anymore. “ _NO, I AM **NOT** OKAY! I WON’T BE OKAY! I’M NEVER GOING TO **BE** OKAY! NOTHING IS OKAY, LUKE! **NOTHING**!_ ”

Luke’s beautiful ocean-blue eyes brimmed with tears and Ashton’s _heart_ hurt.

“But you’ve got me,” Luke whispered and the smaller boy slumped back against the bed, like all of the air had leaked out of the cut in his wrist.

“You’re right.”

Luke looked like he wanted to come closer but the cut on Ashton's wrist began to sting and the blond boy _stiffened_ as Ashton fought back a sob.

He didn’t understand how his life had ended up like this sometimes, he really didn’t.

“How did… did you _know_ I needed you?” Ashton breathed and, even as Luke’s expression became upset at the pain in Ashton’s voice, his eyes brightened a little because Ashton had finally admitted that he _did_ need him.

“Sharon texted me to tell me you were upset,” the blond boy explained after a moment and Ashton frowned, pulling his knees up to his chest and burying his face in them.

“And how does _she_ know?” he asked, his voice muffled.

Shelly meowed outside the door and Luke snorted quietly.

“The cat,” he said, like it made perfect sense. Where Sharon was concerned though, Ashton thought vaguely, it probably _did_.

“Oh, okay,” the curly-haired boy mumbled and Luke hesitated for a moment before he sat down beside Ashton and gently slipped his arm around the older boy’s trembling shoulders, cuddling him close.

Ashton tensed at first, startled by the contact, but he seemed to almost _melt_ , turning to tuck his face into Luke’s neck so that he could hide his tears.

Luke’s arms wrapped around Ashton more securely.

“How’d you feel now, Ash?” Luke asked gently.

Ashton tensed in Luke’s arms.

‘ _Like everything is racing away from me. Like I’m losing my grip on reality. Like I have nothing left. Like this damn cut on my arm isn’t even **close** to deep enough… Like I’m really, **really** lucky to have you, because I love you more than anything in the world, Luke_.’

Ashton settled for a different answer in the end though.

“Like if a meteor was rushing towards my house and I had an hour to evacuate, I _probably_ still wouldn’t move out of the way.”

He managed a watery laugh when he said it though, smiling into Luke’s neck as his tears dampened the blond boy’s t-shirt, and that made all the difference in the _world_.

Luke stroked his back soothingly but the blond boy’s breathing was erratic, like he was trying not to _cry_ or something, even as a slightly hysterical giggle escaped him at Ashton's stupid reply.

The curly-haired boy's arm throbbed with pain and his breath hitched in his chest again.

“Let me go and get something to fix your wrist up with please,” Luke murmured, concerned, and Ashton drew back reluctantly, shivering when Luke’s warm arms were no longer wrapped around him.

“I’ll be right back,” Luke promised, pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of Ashton’s mouth. The older boy’s hands curled into fists as his nails bit into his palms because he wanted _more_ , suddenly, but he was too terrified.

Luke carefully uncurled Ashton’s hands, kissing his knuckles too before he rose, only to hesitate in the doorway, looking back over his shoulder at his boyfriend.

“What is it?” Ashton mumbled self-consciously, ducking his head so that his curls fell into his eyes. “ _What_?”

But it was only when Luke said: “I love you more than anything _too_ , Ash” in the moments before he left the room that Ashton realised he’d voiced his thoughts out loud.

Ashton’s heart felt like it had swollen to maybe _twice_ its usual size.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Ashton told Luke, probably too quietly for the blond boy to hear, just because he _could_ , because it was _true_. Because he _knew_ he didn’t tell Luke that enough.

It didn’t matter though.

If Luke was to be believed, they had _forever_ … and maybe – just _maybe_ – Ashton was starting to believe it too.

(When Luke said: "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me too, Ash", Ashton started to cry again but, this time, there was no sense of shame.

He felt like he was finally _clean_.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :)


	104. Looking At The Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton rolled his eyes but Luke had made him feel a_ lot _lighter, like maybe he didn't have to carry_ all _of his problems alone._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, before you read this, I added a little bit to the end of the last update which you might want to read :)  
> Anyway, this update did _not_ go where I thought it was going but I hope you still enjoy it :)  
>  Thank you for reading!  
> Enjoy <3

**_Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much._ **

**_Say you'll never leave me 'cause I need you so much._ **

_\- Don't Go, Bring Me The Horizon_

 

When Grace had brought Harry and Lauren round to visit a few days previously, she'd also brought round Ashton's drum kit, as well as his rug and the posters from his garage. Harry had very proudly announced that it had been _his_ job to take those down and Ashton's expression was tinged with fondness as he looked at them papering the basement walls now.

"It's nice, to have something more familiar here," Luke said quietly as the two of them stood side by side in the basement, taking in the drum kit and the rug and the posters on one side of the room, cluttered in comparison to the relative sparseness of Luke's dance area.

It was only when Luke gave a soft smile and loped across the room to slump onto his beanbag that Ashton realised the garage had been a safe place for _him_ too.

In the basement, there was a sofa which turned into a pull-out bed shoved up against the wall with a soft patchwork quilt thrown over it that Luke was very subtly rubbing his cheek on as he lay on his bean bag, and it made him look _younger_ almost, made Ashton think of Luke as a _child_ here, when _this_ was his only safe place instead.

"What did you look like when you were little, Lukey?" the older boy asked curiously as he searched through one of the boxes his nan had brought, looking for his drumsticks.

"Oh, I think Shazza has some photos upstairs," Luke mumbled, wandering off to get them, and Ashton's: "Would you _please_ stop calling her that, Luke?!" was met with the blond boy's low, rumbling laughter.

The basement felt colder and lonelier when Luke was no longer there but Ashton had barely had time to feel the anxiety building in his chest when the blond boy was back, darting down the stairs with a Polaroid held carefully in his hand.

"You okay?" he checked, kissing Ashton softly when the older boy looked uncertain. "I found a photo," Luke added, seemingly understanding that _talking_ about Ashton's problems wouldn't help him right now.

The curly-haired boy took the photo from him carefully and Luke looked a bit embarrassed. "I look really stupid," he mumbled but Ashton could feel a ridiculous smile colouring his face because Luke was _adorable_.

"Oh my god," Ashton said and Luke had barely had time to duck his head, his cheeks flaming with embarrassment, when the older boy _literally_ beamed at him, smiling in a way that he hadn't done in _months_. "You were so fucking _cute_ , Luke!"

The blond boy looked shocked and, even as his cheeks darkened even more, he had to bite his lip to keep from smiling. "Shut up. I had _mushroom_ hair, Ashton. Christ."

"Fucking _adorable_ mushroom hair," Ashton countered but his eyes were doing that funny crinkly thing that Lauren's did when she smiled too hard, and Luke was looking at Ashton like he was looking at the _sun_.

"Stop embarrassing me," Luke mumbled but he was looking extremely pleased with himself as he took the Polaroid back from Ashton and nudged the older boy gently towards his drum kit. "Go and do something impressive, go on. I'm waiting."

Ashton rolled his eyes but Luke had made him feel a _lot_ lighter, like maybe he didn't have to carry _all_ of his problems alone.

' _But you've got me._ '

Luke looked carefully at Ashton, like he knew what he was thinking, before he dropped another kiss onto the older boy's lips and threw himself down onto the sofa.

"Play something," Luke said and Ashton raised an eyebrow as he sat down on the stool.

"Yeah alright, _princess_ ," he muttered and Luke flushed prettily. Smirking just a bit, Ashton tossed one of the drumsticks up in the air and caught it reflexively. "It might be loud though," he warned and Luke's expression became slightly apologetic, even as he winked at Ashton.

"I'm _so_ down for loud," he said but his face fell when Ashton's smile faded. "Hey, Ash, you know I was only kidding, right?"

"I'm sorry we don't... y'know, do any of _that_ now... but we can try soon, I promise... or -"

"Oh, _Ash_ ," Luke said softly, silencing him. He crossed the basement quickly and knelt down, cupping Ashton's face between his smaller hands and kissing him on the end of his nose. The curly-haired boy managed a weak smile. "Please don't worry about _that_ , honestly. I'm just so relieved that you're still _here_. Sex is the _last_ thing on my mind, I promise."

Ashton tried to believe Luke but it was just so _difficult_ when he felt like he was letting the ocean-eyed boy down.

"Soon," Ashton told Luke seriously, his eyes worried. "I promise."

He felt his anxiety abate when Luke pulled him into a quick hug before he straightened up, passing Ashton his drumsticks again.

"Now _please_ play something. You almost lost this drum kit. It doesn't feel right to just let it sit here being ignored."

"It's an inanimate object, Lukey. I don't think it has feelings," Ashton mumbled but there was a faint smile tugging at his lips again, and that was what Luke had wanted.

Ashton shook his head in a vain attempt to clear it as he settled back down on the stool again but he didn’t feel really _properly_ calm until he’d begun to beat out a quiet rhythm on the drums.

For the first time in _weeks_ , his head _didn’t_ feel full of worries about Calum and Michael and the _nightclub_ and how being close to Luke wasn’t as effortless as it used to be – because everything felt a bit terrifying now, made him feel like his stomach was full of butterflies with lead wings, slamming inside of him and jolting the breath out of his lungs.

Even _football_ didn’t make Ashton feel alive anymore – it just _hurt_ him, watching Calum deteriorate before his eyes as he tried so _hard_ to train the team well, and failed every single time – but _Luke_ still made Ashton feel alive and, when he began to play again, he realised that _drumming_ still held that same magic too.

Luke stopped joking around when Ashton became focused, his eyes widening a little as Ashton lost himself in the music.

He played hard – maybe in an attempt to spite George – and the skin on his hands cracked and _bled_ after so long not drumming but, regardless of that, it felt good, _cleansing_ almost.

When Ashton tugged his t-shirt over his head when he got too hot, Luke dragged a pillow into his lap, scowling weakly at Ashton, even as his expression became an amusing mixture of guilt and agitation directed inwards.

Luke’s lips quirked into an impressed smile when Ashton played something familiar though and, when the older boy broke off to take a sip of the water he’d brought downstairs, Luke grinned at him.

“Was that American Idiot?” the blond boy asked and Ashton smiled bashfully as he confirmed this. Luke slumped down dramatically onto the sofa and stared up at the ceiling looking wounded.

“My boyfriend plays Green Day songs better than Green Day,” he told no one in particular. “Oh my god, what is my _life_?!”

Ashton laughed quietly, feeling his dimples showing on his cheeks, but before he could tease Luke for sounding like the biggest (cutest) dork _ever_ , he found himself saying: “I really like being your boyfriend.”

Luke smiled at him but he was still holding the pillow in his lap rather tightly and his cheeks were flaming. Suddenly, Ashton made his mind up.

He rose, a little bit uncomfortable without a shirt on, even as he tried to tell himself that he was being stupid because the blond boy had seen him a _lot_ more than shirtless.

Luke’s ocean-blue eyes darkened a little as they drifted down over Ashton’s chest and he swallowed convulsively.

“Go away please,” Luke said weakly, ducking his head. Even the back of his _neck_ had gone red. “You’re too hot. You’re making me feel bad.”

“I don’t want you to feel bad.”

When Luke looked up at Ashton jerkily, the older boy managed a slightly self-deprecating smile.

“I… I’m not ready to… to do anything _myself_ yet because… because it still feels wrong. Or… or like it _should_ feel wrong. But… but there’s no reason why _you_ should… should have to go without. You're my _boyfriend_.” He gave a feeble shrug and Luke's lips twitched, even as he held Ashton's gaze.

“A-Ash,” Luke said weakly and his voice cracked when Ashton sat down beside him cautiously. “Ash, you don’t have to –"

Luke fell silent at the suddenly grim look on the older boy’s flushed face.

“Do you want it?” Ashton asked seriously, his hands shaking a little bit, his heart beating too fast in his bare chest, so hard he was sure Luke could _see_ it.

But this was important.

He _couldn’t_ hurt Luke. He **wouldn’t**.

“Yeah,” the blond boy breathed shakily, his pupils blown now. The pillow slipped from his lap. Neither one picked it up. “But only if _you’re_ comf–”

He broke off with a groan when Ashton’s trembling hand dropped down to rub him through his jeans, the soft sound almost _sweet_ in the quiet and, even when Ashton dragged the zipper down and slipped his hand inside the heat of Luke’s boxers, the blond boy still stroked his bare shoulder comfortingly as he pressed gentle kisses to Ashton’s neck, trying to comfort him even now.

And, sure, maybe things were a long, _long_ way from perfect, but at least they still had each other.

Ashton thought they probably always _would_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was WAAAAAY fluffier than I'd planned. Sorry about that :P  
> Anyway, I'm just delaying the inevitable (I'm not scared to write what I planned shhhhh) but STUFF is going to happen soon, I promise.  
> Please let me know what you thought :)


	105. Moonbeams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Calum’s dark, sunken eyes and the shadows painting his gaunt face made him look like a_ skeleton _almost, and it was the saddest, most terrifying thing that Ashton had ever_ seen __'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry that this took so long - i have way too much shit going on at the moment so this story is kind of getting left behind.  
> Don't worry though - I absolutely _will_ finish it, I promise - we've come too far not to now!  
>  Enjoy (I hope!)

**_Don't wanna live in fear and loathing,_ **

**_I wanna feel like I am floating,_ **

**_Instead of constantly exploding,_ **

**_In fear and loathing._ **

_\- Fear And Loathing, Marina & The Diamonds_

 

All things considered, it wasn’t a bad shift at the garage.

Ashton had to replace a faulty headlight and two windscreen wipers, and he had to change a tyre that had been punctured. The other guys in the garage had had Bon Jovi playing loudly the whole time and he’d had four mugs of tea – and Luke had sent him a _really_ cute text that’d he’d got to read on his break – so he felt like his evening shift could have been a _lot_ worse.

The same couldn’t be said for the journey home unfortunately.

Luke hadn’t wanted Ashton to walk home on his own at night-time after what had happened but the older boy had complained that there was no point driving what would only be a twenty minute walk – in the end, they’d reached a compromise: Luke would walk out to meet Ashton halfway and the curly-haired boy would stick to the roads with streetlights for as long as possible.

Ashton had been a bit petulant about that when they’d discussed it the day before but he was kind of _glad_ Luke was already on his way to meet him now because it was _dark_ and Ashton was gradually edging towards panicky – because really, being out alone at night after what had happened was a **stupid** idea and –

“Ashton?”

Ashton was pretty sure his _heart_ stopped for a moment before he plucked up the courage to turn around.

His heart stopped _again_ when he saw Calum staring out at him through the darkness.

Calum’s dark, sunken eyes and the shadows painting his gaunt face made him look like a _skeleton_ almost, and it was the saddest, most terrifying thing that Ashton had ever _seen_.

“Hey, Cal,” Ashton stammered but he could _feel_ how wide his eyes must be. Moonbeams were drifting down through gaps in the branches of the eucalyptus trees growing around them, and Ashton thought of drop bears and childhood sleepovers and holding hands with Calum in the dark, and his _heart_ ached.

He wondered whether it was possible to politely ask someone whether they’d got any help yet, before it was too _late_ , but Ashton was a coward and his: “What are you doing at this time of night?” came out through gritted teeth.

“I just went for a walk,” Calum replied and, as Ashton’s eyes slowly started to adjust to the darkness, he saw the taller boy leaning against the low stone wall that edged the road, his chest heaving like he’d just run a mile, or like he got out of breath _really_ easily now. He was wearing running shoes.

‘ _Just a walk_.’

Ashton felt his expression twist. “Right,” he said softly. “Okay.”

The younger boy looked lost, tugging the sleeves of his sweatshirt down over his hands like he could hide the knowledge Ashton had of the cuts lining his skin underneath.

“Why don’t you just go _home_ , Cal?” the older boy whispered and his voice was almost _buried_ beneath the distant sound of waves crashing against the beach.

“I can’t,” Calum admitted. The wind was clawing at their clothes and hair with icy fingers as it rolled in off the ocean. Ashton felt _dizzy_ almost. “Mum and dad don’t care. Mali doesn’t want to come home anytime soon.”

Calum took a deep shuddering breath, like the words hurt to speak, and Ashton felt his eyes burning with tears.

“There’s nothing _left_ for me there anymore,” Calum gasped out, wiping his eyes fiercely with his sleeve. “There’s… there’s _nothing_ …”

Ashton wondered if Calum was even _talking_ about home anymore.

“Cal, I –”

Ashton broke off because he didn’t even know what to _say_ and the moonlight had just danced across Calum’s skeletal face and he looked even worse than Ashton had _realised._

Calum looked _bad_.

Really, _really_ **bad**.

Ashton found himself unconsciously trying to work out how the younger boy was even still able to walk _around_ , wondered why the teachers hadn’t reported any concerns before Ashton remembered that Calum barely turned up anyway.

“When’s Luke’s dance show?” the younger boy asked suddenly and Ashton’s laugh at the sudden change of subject was more than a little hysterical.

“Two days’ time,” he managed but his voice came out strangled because Calum had risen, his movements jerky and fitful, reminding Ashton of _lightning_ almost, deadly and desolate and _dying_.

“I’m still coming,” Calum said suddenly, his tone sharp, like he had something to prove, and Ashton flinched, because Calum was jagged edges and sharp corners, where once he’d been soft and _safe_.

Ashton didn’t think his best friend had ever been _further_ from that than he was right now.

“What are you looking at?!” Calum snapped suddenly, his tone defensive, and Ashton had gestured to what remained of the younger boy before he could stop himself. Calum bristled.

“Why don’t your parents _do_ anything?” Ashton breathed and Calum’s eyes were burning with black fire, like he was being consumed from the inside out.

“Because they don’t _care_ , Ashton!” Calum cried and his voice didn’t shake. It sounded _dead_ and the older boy thought maybe that was worse. “They didn’t care about Mali and they _definitely_ don’t care about me!”

Calum fled, apparently unable to run although he looked like he was _trying_ , and a sob had clawed its way out of Ashton before he could stop it.

“ _Ash_?” a new voice called and, when the older boy identified it as Luke, a relieved sob escaped him as he slumped down onto the low stone wall Calum had just vacated, dropping his head into his hands as the tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Ashy?” Luke sounded frightened but the curly-haired boy didn’t draw in a rough breath until his boyfriend was sitting beside him with his arm wrapped securely around the smaller boy’s waist. “Ash, was that _Calum_? What _happened_?”

Ashton didn’t know how to even _begin_.

He didn’t know how to tell Luke that his arms around the older boy made _him_ safe, but that Calum didn’t have that – didn’t have _anyone_ – and that Ashton hadn’t even _seen_ Michael properly in over a week.

Ashton didn’t know how to _tell_ Luke that he was the only constant star he had left anymore, because everyone else was being ripped away by fucking _life_ until the pair of them were going to be left on their own, battling the demons in the darkness without even the _hope_ of assistance.

They were on their own.

Ashton didn’t communicate any of his worries to Luke but when the blond boy’s arms tightened around his trembling shoulders and Ashton’s hands knotted into fists in the back of the younger boy’s jumper, Ashton figured that maybe Luke already knew.

When Luke dropped a kiss onto Ashton’s forehead, Ashton was _certain_ of it.

“We’re all going to be okay,” the blond boy whispered, a frown creasing his face as he blinked back tears when Ashton whimpered. “I _promise_ , Ash. It’s going to be okay. It _will_.”

Ashton was too frightened to think about it anymore.

He just clung onto Luke and focused on getting his breathing back under control as the night pressed in closer and Luke’s warm arms held him safely.

Ashton pictured Calum stumbling along through the darkness on his own, still crying as everything crumbled around him, and the older boy felt his eyes burn with fresh tears.

He just wished he knew what he could do to _help_ … before it was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought of this - I'm sorry it wasn't the longest chapter ever but hopefully it's not too bad!  
> Thank you for reading :)


	106. Dear Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“_ No _,” Ashton gasped when Luke stared at him in shock through the darkness. The smaller boy’s breath was catching in his throat and his chest felt_ cold _, like the knot was a block of ice now, bleeding tears of freezing water over his beat-up heart. He couldn’t breathe._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is angsty and weird and I got carried away with the lyrics. Whoops.  
> Sorry this took so long too. Some stuff happened and I couldn't write.  
> Also my iPad _and_ my phone broke yesterday so updates might take a little longer - i.e. every couple of days instead unless I have a _really_ quiet day at work?  
>  I don't know, I'm rambling.  
> Hopefully this is okay - thank you for reading <3

**_I just want to fade away into the sky under the sea,_ **

**_A million kisses underwater as we walk into the ocean waves._ **

_\- The Sky Under The Sea, Pierce The Veil_

 

Ashton couldn’t get warm after his shower that night.

The atmosphere in the room was so sombre that it felt like someone had _died_ and, even after he’d lay wrapped in a blanket on the sofa with Luke for _hours_ while they watched some mindless comedy that neither of them laughed at, Ashton continued to shiver.

Sharon had gone out to meet some friends for the night and Shelly was out hunting. Michael had skyped them for twenty minutes at around nine o’clock but the conversation had fizzled out as the red-haired boy tried to avoid talking about Calum.

When the football captain _was_ mentioned though, Michael’s expression became closed off, his eyes sad and hard and _cold_. He quietly told Luke that he was looking forward to the show before he ended the call.

Ashton felt a shudder tear violently through him.

“Let’s go to bed,” Luke said quietly. He kept his arm wrapped comfortingly around Ashton’s shoulders, swathed as they were with the patchwork quilt from the basement, and the smaller boy was grateful for that.

They got ready for bed in silence and, although Luke opened his mouth several times like he wanted to say something, he never did, although his lips twitched weakly when he saw Ashton cleaning his teeth with a blanket draped over him like a shroud.

Ashton barely felt warmer when he got into bed, climbing under the covers and snuggling up against Luke as his heart hammered in his chest.

“I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight,” Ashton breathed, his voice thick past the lump in his throat. “I can’t get my _brain_ to shut up.”

Luke’s arms tightened around him in response and he pressed his face into Ashton’s curls, kissing his head softly.

“You _will_ sleep, Ash,” Luke promised, sounding calm in a way that Ashton _never_ felt. Luke’s hand closed around Ashton’s arm and he raised it gently, kissing the cut that Ashton had left there. The curly-haired boy sighed shakily, closing his tear-wet eyes as the knot in his chest loosened a little.

In that moment, Ashton loved Luke so much that it _hurt_ , a real sharp pain burning in his chest.

“Kiss me,” he said hoarsely, desperate not to _think_ anymore. “ _Please_. I need this. **Please**.”

Luke’s eyes widened in the darkness but he leant forwards anyway, hesitantly brushing his lips against Ashton’s in a movement that was undeniably _sweet_ but nowhere _near_ enough.

“M-more,” Ashton breathed and his voice cracked.

Luke kissed him harder, his lip-ring cold in the corner of Ashton’s mouth, his tongue hot as it dragged gently against Ashton’s when the older boy hesitantly parted his lips to deepen the kiss.

It was just what Ashton wanted, until it _wasn’t_ anymore.

Luke’s hand settled on his thigh, a comforting steady weight, and his gentle: “It’s okay, babe” made Ashton’s _skin_ crawl – and then he was gone, torn away and _cowering_ in the corner of the room, biting down on his knuckles as blood filled his mouth and tears flooded down his cheeks.

“ _No_ ,” Ashton gasped when Luke stared at him in shock through the darkness. The smaller boy’s breath was catching in his throat and his chest felt _cold_ , like the knot was a block of ice now, bleeding tears of freezing water over his beat-up heart.

He couldn’t _breathe_.

Luke’s face was white in the moonlight shining through a gap in the curtains as he covered his mouth with one shaking hand for a moment, his eyes _tortured_.

“Breathe, Ash,” Luke whispered, dropping down onto the carpet nearby but not coming any closer. Ashton was too far gone to be grateful for that. “ _Please_ breathe. Ashton, you _need_ to **breathe**.”

That filtered through and the alley behind the nightclub flickered until, suddenly, _jarringly_ , Ashton was back in their room at Sharon’s house, his mouth bloody from where he’d bitten his knuckles, his nails cutting into his palms because his hands were curled into fists.

Luke was crouched down in front of him, a few feet away, his eyes as wide as saucers, his blond hair sticking out messily in all directions. The digital clock on their bedside table said that it was quarter to eleven.

The numbers were red.

“ **Him**.” The words were out of Ashton’s mouth before he could properly think it through. “You sounded like _**him**_.”

Luke made a sound like Ashton had punched him in the stomach.

“I’m so, _so_ sorry,” Luke whispered, and Ashton could almost _hear_ what Luke was thinking.

‘ _Sorry for triggering you. Sorry for not being able to calm you down now. Sorry I couldn’t keep you safe in the first place. Sorry sorry **sorry**_.’

The tears in Ashton’s eyes fell faster but he could _almost_ catch his breath now.

“ _Luke_ ,” he breathed, opening his arms before he’d even stopped to _consider_ it.

It was only when Luke crawled into them and curled up against his chest, crying now _too_ , that Ashton realised how much he _needed_ the contact.

“Please talk about something else,” Ashton said tearfully and Luke drew in a deep, shuddering breath as he fought to pull himself together. Ashton wished _he_ could do that.

“Okay,” Luke breathed. Tears were still trickling down his cheeks and his bright eyes were red with them but they fluttered shut when Ashton brushed Luke’s flat blond hair away from his forehead with a shaky hand.

“Um…” Luke’s head was resting on Ashton’s chest but he tilted it back to look at the older boy through eyelashes that were spiky with tears. Ashton felt guilt bubbling inside him – hot and shameful – because _he’d_ upset Luke that much.

“I’m really scared of geese,” Luke said suddenly and it _hurt_ Ashton to laugh but a slightly hysterical giggle was torn from him anyway.

Heartened, Luke carried on.

“I used to go snowboarding a lot. I like reindeers,” the blond boy said, allowing a _tiny_ smile to colour his lips. “I had this reindeer toy that I used to carry around with me _everywhere_ until I was about seven. I tried to take it into the shower with me once but its fur got all gross so I had to throw it out.”

Luke frowned melodramatically and Ashton giggled weakly, poking Luke’s pouting lips gently with his fingertip.

“When I was little, I used to want to be a secret agent,” the blond boy added and Ashton remembered what Luke had looked like as a kid, with his wide piercing eyes and his funny hair, and when Ashton’s forehead brushed Luke’s as he doubled up, he wasn’t sure whether it was to laugh or cry.

“Yeah…” Luke’s slightly forced laugh died away and his expression became pensive as Ashton’s arms tightened automatically around him. A shiver ran through Luke and Ashton wondered if he was cold on the floor or if he was thinking about something _else_ instead.

“Dad didn’t really like that idea much,” Luke acknowledged and Ashton felt the younger boy’s breathing become uneven from where his hands were resting lightly on Luke’s chest. “He wanted me to be a builder or something, like my brothers, y’know?”

Ashton had to swallow past the lump in his throat. “I can’t really imagine you as a builder,” he said but it came out like a gasp when another sob tried to escape him.

“It’s okay, Ash,” Luke promised. His hand drifted up to cup the older boy’s cheek and Ashton flinched away before he could help himself.

“Sorry,” Luke whispered, his eyes swimming with tears, but Ashton stiffened because he definitely didn’t like the realisation he could see forming on Luke’s face.

“You did that _before_ … what happened,” the blond boy breathed and Ashton looked down at Luke wordlessly, his hazel eyes wide. “Ash, I…” Luke pushed himself up into a sitting position, twisting round to look at the smaller boy properly, and Ashton felt cold without Luke there.

 _Bereft_.

“Ash… that … that night where… where we saw your mum…” The blond boy winced at the pain on Ashton’s face. “What did she mean?”

Ashton remembered nails clawing his face, remembered stars exploding before his eyes as his head hit the pavement.

_‘He hurt my baby. He hurt my baby Ash. I **hate** him.’_

Ashton’s heart ached.

“If this is you trying to distract me, you’re not doing a very good job of it,” he murmured and, although his voice wasn’t shaking anymore, he sounded _hollow_ almost. The lone cut on his wrist throbbed.

“I just…” Luke bit his lip, gazing at Ashton imploringly through the darkness. “If _anyone_ knows the signs then… then it’s _me_ … and… and you tick all the boxes, Ash.”

Luke’s fingers brushed Ashton’s jaw gently and the older boy’s head jerked in shock. There were tears rolling down Luke’s pale cheeks.

“What your mum said… I… I’ve been worried for _months_ …”

Ashton’s hand drifted up too and he laced his fingers with Luke’s. “Will you stop worrying if I tell you?” Ashton asked and the blond boy nodded mutely, his eyes wide and wet. Ashton drew in a shuddering breath, more scared of Luke’s _reaction_ than he was of actually speaking.

But Luke was looking at him with frightened eyes and a wobbling lip now, and Ashton _couldn’t_ let him down. Not again.

“My… my dad,” Ashton began but his voice shook and his courage threatened to desert him. When Luke held him close, it made him feel stronger again.

“My dad and… and mum's new boyfriend Warwick,” Ashton continued in a whisper, keeping his face tucked into Luke’s neck. “They… they used to knock me around a lot when I was little. Mum too but… but only when she was _really_ , really drunk.”

Luke had frozen but Ashton barely noticed, consumed by guilt once again.

“But – but it was nowhere _near_ as bad as… as what happened to _you_ , Lukey,” the curly-haired boy stammered past his tears, clinging to Luke’s t-shirt like he was frightened the blond boy was going to disappear if he let go for too long.

Luke was quiet for a long, long time after that, stroking Ashton’s back comfortingly, although he was very careful to keep his hand closer to the smaller boy’s shoulders so that he didn’t startle him again.

“That makes sense,” Luke murmured at last, his voice sad. “I wish you hadn’t had to go through that but it makes sense.”

Ashton pressed a shaky kiss to Luke’s neck and the blond boy shivered unconsciously. Ashton felt his tears boiling over again.

“I wish _you_ hadn’t either,” he gasped out, his tone distressed.

The blond boy gave a tiny shrug, as if to say that it didn’t really matter anyway, and Ashton’s eyes were still burning at that when Luke helped him to his feet and led him back towards the bed.

The pair climbed in silently, lying close together by unspoken agreement, and when Luke’s hand found Ashton’s in the darkness, the older boy held on for dear life.

“Love you,” Ashton whispered, pulling the duvet up over his shoulder and wincing when the cut on his wrist burnt at the sensation.

“Love you too,” Luke breathed but his blue eyes were cloudy and, somehow, Ashton just _knew_ that the blond boy was dwelling on what he'd learnt.

Ashton _hated_ that.

He couldn’t _stand_ seeing Luke looking so upset because of something he’d said and, in his exhausted state, he tried to make it better. “It’s okay though, Luke. I promise. I barely even _remember_ it.”

It was only after Ashton had spoken that he realised he’d made Luke feel even _more_ upset.

“That’s not okay, Ash. That’s even _worse_ ,” Luke said, his voice rough, like he was fighting not to _cry_ again or something. “You must have been just a little _kid_ , Ash.”

Ashton was still just grateful that it had been _him_ rather than Lauren and Harry. He never would have been able to forgive himself if either of them had _ever_ been hurt.

“ _You_ were a little kid when it started too though. You told me you were _nine_ ,” Ashton countered and, finally, Luke fell silent.

The blond boy curled up on his side but so he was  _facing_ Ashton and not the opposite direction instead, and it was the grieving of an adult, not the sulking of a child, and Ashton thought that maybe they’d changed a bit in the few months they’d been apart.

Maybe they’d changed a _lot_.

Ashton nestled hesitantly back into Luke’s side, resting his head gently on the blond boy's chest, and Luke cuddled him close, burying his face in Ashton’s curls and inhaling the familiar scent like it was comforting to him, like he was coming home again.

Ashton thought maybe he knew how Luke felt.

“You make me feel safe,” Ashton breathed but, now that he was lying down again, he was already more than half-asleep. Luke hummed contentedly at that, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of the older boy’s head as he sleepily processed his words.

Ashton wasn’t lying though, and he _didn’t_ feel like he was drowning in Luke’s ocean-blue eyes anymore. It felt more like treading water instead and, sure, maybe that wasn’t _perfect_ but Ashton figured that that was probably all he could hope for nowadays.

“I’m not going to leave you ever again,” Ashton murmured but his words were slurred as unconsciousness slowly claimed him. Luke let out another soft hum that was more of a sigh really, his golden eyelashes fanned out on his cheeks as he dropped off.

Ashton let his own eyes slide shut as his breathing gradually evened out and, by then, Luke was snoring softly, the sound comforting as it washed over Ashton, calming his frayed nerves further, and he knew sleep was close for him too.

Ashton never wanted to leave their bed again.

He just wanted to fade away and stay there with Luke, lost in the blond boy’s ocean-blue eyes forever.

He thought that was a good way to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading - please let me know what you thought.  
> Also, is there anything you really desperately need an answer to in this fic?  
> Because I've planned it out and the likelihood is that I _am_ going to answer it but I don't want to forget anything and leave you all furious with me or something.  
>  Just a thought...


	107. Sempiternal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Taking all this from you and not giving anything,” Luke began, his face close enough that his bruised, swollen lips_ just _brushed the corner of Ashton’s mouth. “It makes me feel_ bad _.”_  
>  _“I don’t want you to feel bad,” Ashton breathed and Luke’s lips twitched into a faint smile._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually pretty long and it took me most of the day to write because I've been kind of distracted but I wanted to make sure it still felt like it was in character - I hope you'll enjoy it!  
> There's basically no angst so that's something!  
> (Also, yes, I've been listening to a lot of BMTH which would of course explain the title for today's chapter. Sorry not sorry. I'm also in _love_ with Take Me To Church at the moment so these lyrics kind of HAD to be added.)  
>  Enjoy! :)

**_She tells me, 'Worship in the bedroom.'_ **

**_The only heaven I'll be sent to,_ **

**_Is when I'm alone with you._ **

_\- Take Me To Church, Hozier_

 

The dance show was on Friday night and, just by being in the same _room_ as Luke on Thursday evening, Ashton could _tell_ that his boyfriend was terrified.

Luke was on edge all day, drumming his fingers on the table like _Ashton_ did sometimes, and pacing up and down the hallway until Sharon made a pointed comment about him wearing a hole in the floor.

Only then did Luke stop.

“It’s only last minute nerves,” Sharon said helpfully when Luke finally collapsed into a chair at the kitchen table, looking pale and tired (although, arguably, that _could_ have been thanks to the late night he and Ashton had had the previous day).

The curly-haired boy was sitting on the counter and sipping from a mug of tea as he tried to avoid looking at himself in the reflective surfaces of the cupboards. He didn’t need to see the almost _bruised_ -looking bags under his eyes to know he looked terrible.

He could _feel_ it.

“Yeah, yeah,” Luke mumbled, twisting his fingers together anxiously in his lap as he sucked his lip-ring into his mouth, his expression pensive. “I’m sure you’re right.”

His face twisted though and his pale cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “I still can’t do that move properly though. I’m gonna mess it up tomorrow and everyone will laugh at me – I just _know_ it.”

“That’s not true, Lukey,” Ashton disagreed softly, his voice hoarse from crying so much the night before. “No one’s going to laugh. No one’s even going to _notice_ if you stumble a bit. They’ll be too busy falling in love with you because you’re so goddamn beautiful.”

“That was nice,” Sharon said and Ashton managed a weak grin when Luke buried his flaming face in his folded arms.

“It’s all true,” Ashton said and Luke glanced up through his eyelashes, still flushed a pretty pink colour as he caught Ashton’s gaze.

The silence in the kitchen was broken by Ashton setting his mug down on the counter with shaky hands.

“You’re making eyes at each other,” Sharon realised as she looked between the pair of them.  “This could well work in my favour. Curly, please help Lucas burn some energy. I don’t want him destroying my hallway anymore. Also, you’ll never get _anywhere_ if you don’t try so... there’s that too. But I’m mostly concerned about my floor.”

Ashton was pleased he’d put his tea down because he probably would have _choked_ on it if he’d still been drinking it.

“What the _hell_?!” Luke spluttered, his cheeks flaming but his eyes apologetic. Sharon looked serene. “You can’t just _say_ things like that! I – oh my _god_!”

“I didn’t _say_ anything. I insinuated. That’s something entirely different.” She rolled her eyes at Luke’s vaguely appalled expression. “Oh, Lucas, quit impersonating a goldfish. I’m going out now but I’ll be back in – oh, I don’t know – one hour and forty six minutes?” Her smile widened, like she could see something they couldn’t. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

‘ _What, behave like a normal human being?_ ’ Ashton thought, a little bitterly.

Sharon smirked as she left the room, like she’d done something she was incredibly proud of, like she knew what Ashton was _thinking_ , and the older boy felt his heart give a pathetic little flutter in his chest because he wondered if maybe she had a _point_.

“I’m really sorry. That was incredibly inappropriate,” Luke mumbled, his cheeks _so_ red with blood that Ashton was pretty sure he could feel the heat of them all the way from the kitchen counter.

“She was kind of right though,” Ashton said and his own cheeks heated when Luke looked up at him with wide, slowly-darkening eyes. “If I’m never... y’know... _brave_ enough to try anything again then... then how can I ever expect anything to change – to get _better_ , y’know? This is as good a way as any, Lukey.” Ashton paused and the smirk that touched his lips was only a _little_ bit forced. “Also, you get sex out of it too so that’s probably a bonus...”

Luke spluttered indignantly but there were two spots of colour staining his cheeks and he’d flushed a darker shade of red as he switched from the kitchen chair to the counter opposite the older boy. Ashton slipped down from where he’d been sitting.

“J-just…” Luke cringed when his voice cracked. “Ash, just ignore her. She says stupid stuff like this to get a reaction sometimes, I swear. I’m not going to destroy her stupid hallway. I’ll just go run laps round the garden or something; it’s fine.”

Ashton laughed at that, at the slightly desperate look in Luke’s eyes.

“You’d rather run laps than have sex with me? Like a _puppy_?” Ashton asked and the smirk was _almost_ real when Luke gaped at him wordlessly. “Nice, Lukey. No, really, I’m flattered.”

The blond boy went even redder when Ashton drifted a little closer to him.

“Ash!” Luke squeaked, his cheeks flaming. “I – I just…”

“I know,” Ashton said and his grin faded to reveal something _much_ more hesitant underneath. “ _Believe me_ , I know. I’m scared out of my damn mind but I don’t want us to fall apart again. So I’ve got to try, right?”

“You shouldn’t force yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with though,” Luke whispered, his eyes too bright. Ashton’s smile wasn’t particularly pleasant.

“Then I’d never do _anything_ ,” he countered but his eyes softened a little bit. “Lukey, I… you said something to me before. You said that maybe this is just something that needs to get worse before it can get better. I…” Ashton’s voice trailed away and Luke reached for him from his place on the counter.

“You don’t have to do anything at all,” the blond boy whispered, kissing Ashton softly on the lips when the older boy came to a stop between Luke’s legs.

“But I want to,” Ashton said, pleasantly surprised when his voice didn’t shake. “Things have _got_ worse.” His wrist gave a throb and Luke’s eyes grew pained when he lifted Ashton’s hand to press a kiss to his sore knuckles from the night before. “Now it’s time for things to get better – like Sharon said, right? I’ll never get anywhere if I don’t try so… if… if you _want_ to then… then I’d like to… to try.”

“I’d _love_ that,” Luke mumbled, ducking his head when his cheeks blushed pink again. “But… but not _all_ the way though. Not yet.”

Ashton felt relief surge through him.

“That time in the basement was good though, right?” he checked hopefully and he had the satisfaction of Luke tipping his head to the side so that Ashton could kiss his neck.

“You were better than Green Day,” Luke said but his voice cracked when Ashton lightly sucked at his neck, gentle enough that it didn’t leave a mark.

“Bedroom?” Ashton suggested but his heart was thundering in his chest and he hoped that Luke couldn’t see the fear in his eyes. He had an idea though and, once he’d reminded himself that this had all stemmed from wanting to distract Luke from feeling nervous _anyway_ , Ashton wondered if he could just make the blond boy feel _so_ good that he wouldn't even _remember_ that he hadn’t returned the favour just yet.

Ashton was too scared for that _anyway_ , probably, but making _Luke_ feel good – well, that was something he could always do. He _loved_ Luke and, somehow, Luke loved _him_.

Luke was Ashton’s safe place.

He felt it when Luke’s hand fisted in the back of his t-shirt as they stumbled down the hallway towards their bedroom, their mouths a hot slide as they got the door shut behind them.

He felt it when Luke’s hips brushed teasingly against his own, dragging an involuntary whimper from Ashton, in the moments before they sank down on the bed.

He felt it when he started to get panicky like he had done the day before and Luke drew back immediately, breathing heavily as he pressed a chaste kiss to Ashton’s throat, his lips swollen.

“We can stop,” Luke said immediately, his blond hair slowly falling limp from the quiff he’d styled, his pupils _blown_ in his ocean-blue eyes. Ashton sucked at Luke’s lip-ring, smoothed his large hands down the soft, warm skin of Luke’s sides beneath his school shirt, felt how hard Luke was against his leg.

“No,” Ashton said, calming himself by tucking his face into Luke’s neck and breathing in the familiar, comforting scent there. “I _want_ to do this. But only if _you_ do too.”

Luke’s expression became fond as he licked at Ashton’s bottom lip, swallowing the surprised moan that escaped the older boy as he kissed him briefly before pulling away again.

“I’d tell you if I wanted to stop,” Luke promised, so close that his nose brushed Ashton’s. “Also… I won’t touch you. I promise. Not if you don’t want me to.”

When Ashton opened his mouth weakly to disagree, Luke just smiled.

“I can see it in your eyes, Ash, and it’s okay. I _promise_ it’s okay. Let’s just…” Luke shrugged, his cheeks a bit pink, his eyes more loving than Ashton had ever _seen_. “Just… one step at a time, yeah? We can do this.”

Ashton thought maybe Luke was right and, frowning slightly, he wondered when everything had changed so much, when _his_ perspective had changed so much because there was _no_ internalised homophobia now, not when Luke loved him enough for ten _million_ people.

Not when Ashton loved him back.

“ _Daddy_ ,” Luke gasped out and his breath hitched as the older boy settled down over him so that he could kiss his neck. Ashton felt heat wash through him at that though, burning away the sempiternal ache – the anger and the fear and the loss and the fucking _pain_ – and leaving behind only love for the beautiful blond-haired boy in front of him instead.

“I’m gonna take care of you, princess,” Ashton said but his voice came out rough and he sounded _wrecked_ , like he had done the very first time they’d ever been together, so long ago, when they didn’t really know each other properly. When they weren’t in _love_.

Ashton’s hand slipped down between them and he squeezed Luke’s hard cock through his trousers, dragging his palm over the scorching heat and relishing the broken little whines that Luke was emitting at the friction.

Ashton wondered what Luke was expecting of him, wondered whether his hand would be enough or if Luke would want _more_ , but the blond boy was pulling Ashton back in for another kiss, his tongue licking over Ashton’s, hot and wet and _filthy_ , and the older boy figured that maybe Luke had no problem with just his hand _after_ all.

Ashton freed Luke’s cock with difficulty. He kept getting distracted by Luke kissing him and telling him: “Don’t think, just feel” as he subtly slipped his thigh between both of Ashton’s so that it gave the older boy some friction, like that didn’t _count_ as touching.

“ _Luke_ ,” Ashton ground out but the blond boy just gazed at him with wide, innocent blue eyes before Ashton wrapped his fingers around Luke’s cock and the younger boy let out a whine.

Ashton swore, panicking a little because he could _feel_ himself getting hard and Luke was a dick for doing this to him but… but it _was_ easier to stay calm when his boyfriend was falling apart so beautifully beneath him and... and maybe Ashton _could_ enjoy this.

Maybe it _wasn’t_ wrong to after what had happened to him because – _hell_ , it wasn’t _his_ fault! Luke had told him that enough and maybe Ashton was _finally_ starting to believe it.

It just might take a little while.

Luke was _so_ hard in Ashton’s hand, flushed red at the tip and slick from where he was leaking so much. Ashton just wanted to make him feel good.

He kissed down the blond boy’s heaving chest as he fisted Luke’s hard cock firmly, keeping up a steady rhythm. Luke gave a strangled groan, even as he seemingly made a conscious effort not to scratch at Ashton’s back through his t-shirt like he maybe would have done before.

“It’s okay,” Ashton breathed, his voice even deeper, so rough it was barely _audible_. Luke had squeezed his eyes shut some time ago but he forced them open now, slivers of sapphire sparkling beneath tear-wet lashes. “Lukey, it’s okay.”

Luke’s grip tightened a bit and Ashton forced himself to stay present, to look at Luke’s beautiful face and their messy bedroom, and to comprehend that this was **different** , that he was _safe_ this time.

Ashton kept one hand fisting lazily as he trailed kisses across more of Luke’s pale skin and glanced up, only to be met by Luke staring down at him with dark, hungry eyes.

When Ashton’s lips brushed the blond boy’s nipple, Luke's hips jerked and, suddenly, Ashton remembered that time against the younger boy's bedroom door, remembered how he’d promised to go back and explore that at a later date – and he was pretty sure this qualified as a later date now.

“ _Ash_ ,” Luke said urgently when Ashton tightened his fist as he let his lips catch on Luke’s nipple again. Ashton let his tongue wash over it and Luke let out a sob as his cock kicked in the older boy’s hand.

“That sensitive, huh?” Ashton let his teeth graze it lightly and Luke was a whimpering, squirming mess beneath him as he fell apart, sobbing and desperate. “Do you think you could come from just this?”

Luke let out another sob but his pupils were so blown, darker than Ashton had ever _seen_ them. His hips were jerking in a way that told Ashton that Luke was very, _very_ close and the blond boy kept arching his back, like he was trying to get away from the sensation, even as he thrust up even _more_ desperately into the older boy’s fist.

“Fuck, _probably_ ,” Luke moaned, whimpering when Ashton licked at it again as he twisted his wrist in what had once been a practised movement, and might very well become one again.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, princess,” Ashton whispered, _achingly_ hard against the blond boy’s bare thigh, and Luke hit the finish line _hard_ , whining high in his throat as he stilled, coming in thick pearly stripes and coating his stomach.

Ashton let Luke’s cock go gently, smoothing his hands up and down the blond boy’s sides comfortingly as he waited for Luke to catch his breath again, while Ashton desperately tried to will his boner away. Unfortunately, he wasn’t having much luck.

“Please leave a hickey I can fucking _see_ , Ash,” Luke mumbled in a wrecked voice when Ashton distractedly let his lips brush the warm skin of Luke’s neck again.

That made Ashton feel a bit better though and, when his teeth sank into Luke’s skin as he sucked _hard_ , the blond boy let out a groan as his cock twitched weakly against Ashton’s leg. The older boy smirked.

When he found Luke looking cautiously from his face to his _obviously_ -painfully-hard cock though, Ashton felt his smile fade as he bit his lip and, when he shook his head uncertainly, Luke looked disheartened, albeit like he’d been expecting it.

Ashton distracted Luke with tissues as he did his best to wipe up the mess on the blond boy’s stomach and, when Ashton curled up beside him, Luke began to stroke the curly-haired boy’s back in wide, comforting circles.

Ashton felt a bit disgusted with himself when he realised that even _that_ was getting him a bit worked up. When Luke gave his side a gentle squeeze, his fingers comforting as they stroked the warm skin where the older boy’s t-shirt had ridden up, Ashton’s hips rocked forwards before he could stop himself, searching for friction.

Luke made a small sound of surprise and Ashton felt his cheeks heating with blood when Luke propped his head up with his elbow so that he could look down at Ashton, his hand still resting warmly on the older boy’s hip.

Ashton looked up at Luke through his eyelashes, watching him warily with wet hazel eyes.

“Taking all this from you and not giving anything,” Luke began, his face close enough that his bruised, swollen lips _just_ brushed the corner of Ashton’s mouth. “It makes me feel _bad_.”

Ashton gazed up at him with wide eyes, his lips parting on a silent moan when, _very_ deliberately, Luke reached down and rubbed Ashton’s cock through his jeans.

Ashton wondered how Luke _knew_ that this wasn’t pushing it too far. Ashton wondered a lot of things.

“I don’t want you to feel bad,” he breathed and Luke’s lips twitched into a faint smile as he reached down again, slowly enough to give Ashton the chance to say no if he wanted to (but, for some reason, Ashton _didn’t_ want to).

When Luke eased his hand carefully inside and gently wrapped his fingers around Ashton's cock, the older boy let out a desperate sob as he thrust up into Luke’s hand because it had suddenly occurred to him that he’d gone so long without any sort of relief at all.

“ _Please_ ,” Ashton whispered but he didn’t know what he was pleading _for_.

His voice came out muffled when he spoke, and it was only when Luke gently tugged his fist away from his mouth and pressed a kiss to his knuckles that Ashton realised he’d even moved his hand in the first place.

“Okay,” Luke whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to Ashton’s shoulder where his t-shirt had slipped as he gently eased the older boy’s trousers and boxers down his shaking thighs.

“Okay,” he murmured when he gently sucked a bruise into the soft tanned skin stretched taut over Ashton’s hipbone.

“Okay,” Luke breathed before his mouth touched Ashton – _there_ – and a shudder ran through the older boy as he felt the conflict and pain melting away into pleasure and love and **_Luke_** as the blond boy sucked at the tip.

“Love you, daddy,” Luke mumbled and it ripped a moan from Ashton, even as the sound quickly became choked when Luke swallowed him down until the tip brushed the back of his throat.

Ashton’s chest was heaving and he could barely string together the words to tell Luke that he loved him too but, when the blond boy stroked Ashton’s thighs lightly with his thumbs to keep him calm as he began to bob his head, Ashton thought that maybe Luke already knew that.

It was bright in the bedroom, lit in a way that the older boy had never really liked before, but now it seemed _important_.

He could see the soft lavender of Luke’s eyelids when his eyes fluttered shut, the burnished gold of Luke’s eyelashes when they fanned out against his cheeks, the ivory of Luke’s fingertips as he dreamily traced delicate, nonsensical shapes into Ashton’s skin as he washed all of the older boy’s worries away.

With _Luke_ there, Ashton felt **safe**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!  
> I'm pretty excited to write the next few chapters - the dance show is very, _very_ soon!


	108. Ominous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“We all have scars,” Aleisha said, her words a little distorted as she held the cigarette in place while she lit it. “Some of them aren’t_ visible _, that’s all, Ashton.” She put the lighter away and took a long drag, holding the smoke in for as long as she could before she released it unwillingly. “If anyone tells you they don’t have scars, they’re lying.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had so much fun writing this update and I'm genuinely not too unhappy about it. I hope this is okay!  
> Enjoy!

**_The night we couldn’t quite forget,_ **

**_When we decided (we decided),_ **

**_To move the furniture so we could dance,_ **

**_Baby, like we stood a chance._ **

**_Two paper airplanes flying, flying…_ **

**_And I remember thinking:_ **

**_Are we out of the woods yet?_ **

_\- Out Of The Woods, Taylor Swift_

 

Ashton thought that maybe the _awkwardness_ was the worst part.

He was sitting with Michael and Calum on either side of him, and a slightly bemused-looking Sharon in a seat in the row in front of them, and the atmosphere between Ashton's best friends was tense and strained, thick enough that even a _knife_ wouldn’t be able to cut through it.

It was making the knot in Ashton’s chest ache, like it was threatening to come back with a vengeance and steal all of his breath away again, and Ashton _knew_ it was making him feel worse but he couldn't _quite_ stop himself from remembering how close the two had been once, back before the fateful night that had ruined everything between them.

Things were different now though, of course.

Calum was pointedly ignoring Michael, his dark eyes dull as he watched the closed curtains before the stage with a glassy stare, looking without _really_ seeing at all and, beside Ashton, Michael looked frustrated, like he was angry at himself because he didn’t know how to help Calum.

When Calum’s face suddenly crumpled like he’d just thought of something upsetting, Michael let out a little hiss of air that made Ashton think of a _dragon_ almost, like Michael’s red hair was curling tongues of flame.

Sharon tried to start a conversation but, in her usual ham-fisted way, she only made things worse with her: “Thank you for helping Ashton after the nightclub, Michael – although I’d appreciate it if you didn’t punch my favourite nephew in the face ever again, or I’ll set Shelly on you.”

Ashton might have laughed if she’d said anything else but the memories flooded back and he felt his hands curl into fists, his nails biting into his palms as he drew in a ragged breath with difficulty.

Michael pressed a chaste kiss to Ashton’s cheek in an effort to keep him calm though and, even after all of their differences, Calum still gave Ashton’s hand a gentle, comforting squeeze.

“Not good?” Sharon murmured and Ashton managed a slight grimace.

“Little bit, yeah.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

The four of them fell silent again and Ashton distracted himself by counting the folds in the curtains so that he didn’t have to see the concerned looks that Sharon and Michael were shooting Calum.

Ashton felt too cowardly to bring the subject up, too _ashamed_ because he knew and he hadn’t done anything to help, because this was Luke’s special night and Ashton _refused_ to ruin that for him by upsetting everyone now.

Ashton thought maybe the worst part was that Calum was actually _trying_ to be happy. He’d even mentioned his sister’s dancing, like Ashton had predicted all that time ago, but Calum’s forced smile crumbled when he thought no one else could see because Mali _still_ hadn’t come home.

Calum was obviously a _lot_ worse than he was acting, and he was acting pretty damn bad. To put it mildly, it _terrified_ Ashton and, unfortunately, _Michael_ was really starting to scare him too.

Ashton remembered thinking before that there was an almost unnoticeable part of Michael that was very, _very_ sad, like his heart was aching, like maybe he _wasn’t_ as strong and unmovable as he liked to pretend.

Ashton had thought of Michael as glass then – tough at first but easy to shatter and crunch and _crumble_ once the first crack had been made, and if Michael had been cracking then – months and _months_ ago – then he was barely holding himself together now, _fracturing_ ; a delicate body with so many hairline cracks running through it that it would splinter in a strong breeze and fall to pieces.

Ashton _knew_ he was right, even though he badly wished that he wasn’t, because the anxiety and the anger and the _terror_ on Michael’s face was evident for anyone to see if they were looking – and Ashton wondered if anyone else _was_ looking.

Had Michael’s parents seen it, the people he was closer to than _anyone_ in the world? Did the people he slept with see it when he forced his eyes shut and tried not to think of Calum?

Ashton thought Michael was probably _just_ as lonely as the football captain, except he just hid it better, and that made a lump rise in Ashton’s throat because he hadn’t been able to save _either_ of them in the end, hadn’t even been _honest_ with them because they didn’t know he’d overheard their conversation in the bathroom; because Michael didn’t know about Calum _cutting_ and Ashton did.

When the muscles in Michael’s jaw jumped when he looked at Calum, Ashton couldn’t blame him.

“I need some air,” the curly-haired boy mumbled but, when Calum half-rose and offered to come with him, Ashton shook his head. “Alone.”

He strode down the aisle, trying to ignore the rest of the people who made up the audience when they glanced up at him as he passed, his face too pale, his eyes wide. Their soft chatter sounded _deafening_ to Ashton and he suddenly felt suffocated.

He had to get out. He had to get out _now_.

He disappeared out of the doors at the back, striding through the brightly lit reception area outside of the theatre hall of a posh private school he would _never_ have been able to afford, and then out into the night.

The sky was a murky purplish-black but the stars were hidden behind a thick layer of cloud. The doors shut behind him though and there was only silence, save for the gentle rustle of the wind through the trees.

If he listened hard enough, he could even imagine that he could hear the _ocean_ , hear its waves crashing down on the pebbly beach and dragging the debris back out to sea. He could pretend he was on the pier, holding Luke’s hand, with nothing to worry about.

 _Pretend_.

He knew Michael and Calum were pretending that they weren’t affected by each other, that their situation _wasn’t_ destroying them from the inside out.

Ashton wondered why they didn’t stop, why they wouldn’t let themselves _have_ this –

And then he remembered that Michael didn’t even seem to be able to stand hearing Calum’s _name_ mentioned anymore, remembered how he ended skype calls and literally left conversations when the younger boy was brought up because even _that_ seemed to hurt him.

Ashton wondered how Michael would feel if his fears about Calum’s eating disorder were confirmed. He wondered how Michael would feel if he found out about Calum’s _cutting_ , and that everyone else but him knew.

Ashton remembered asking Michael once to tell Calum everything that had happened because he deserved to know and, somewhere along the way, their relationship had _changed_ because Ashton **didn’t** want to tell Michael now.

He was _afraid_ to.

The curly-haired boy slumped down on the cold concrete steps outside, probably wrinkling the stupid monkey suit he’d been forced into but not really caring all that much because the tie felt too tight around his neck and he was so hot that his _head_ was swimming, and he couldn’t carry on like this.

He just _couldn’t_.

But Ashton thought about Michael and Calum’s argument in the bathroom at school, remembered hiding and holding his breath so that they wouldn’t hear him sobbing as he _literally_ listened to them tearing their relationship to shreds.

Everything had changed between them now.

Ashton wished it wasn’t the case but it was _true_ because, sometimes, when he looked Calum in the eye or he heard Michael make a comment, it was like he didn’t even _know_ them anymore and, although Ashton worried at first that this had all spiralled out of control after he’d started spending more time with Luke, he knew that wasn’t the case really.

Maybe they were just different people than they’d been before. He knew _he_ certainly was so it stood to reason that maybe his best friends had grown almost unrecognisable too somehow.

Ashton thought it must be a lot worse for Calum and Michael because, really, to go from being best friends to _almost_ something more to absolutely **nothing** must have been agonising. It had been painful enough to _witness_ , let alone _live_ through.

Ashton wondered what would happen now.

He wondered if his best friends would really and _truly_ end their relationship irrevocably, or if they would simply ignore each other, go off to college or university or to get a job. He wondered if they’d forget the almost-band; try to forget that they were in love; try to forget each _other_.

He wondered if they’d try to pretend that they’d never _really_ been friends at all.

Like they stood a _chance_.

The bitterness that was tinging Ashton’s thoughts gave way to grief when he remembered that Calum was slowly _killing_ himself and that Michael still hadn’t had it _confirmed_ in so many words, because when Calum had screamed at him that he was too fat in the bathroom, Michael had been so distressed and he’d never had time to bring it up again, had been too focused on Calum saying that he _loved_ him, probably, rather than the fact that Calum was slowly fading away, shrinking in on himself and withering until, _soon_ , there would be nothing left behind.

Ashton thought maybe that was the most painful part of _all_ of this mess, if the horrific labyrinthine chaos they had fallen into could even be _called_ that anymore.

Ashton thought about Michael sleeping with other people in a pointless effort to forget Calum. He thought about Calum kissing Michael that night when they were drunk, several months too late when Michael had already tried to force himself to move on.

It _hurt_ Ashton to think back to then now though, to remember a time when Calum’s soul had been bright and beautiful and _pure_. It was _dark_ now, twisted and tainted, and Ashton knew Calum couldn’t get it clean on his own, couldn’t _get_ clean if he carried on the way he was.

There would be nothing left to _fix_ soon, if Calum carried on like this, desperately needing help but refusing to accept any.

Ashton knew he couldn’t force him though and, really, he didn’t _want_ to, because that might hurt Calum even _more_ and Ashton would never be able to forgive himself.

He wondered vaguely if Calum felt the way he did because of his childhood, because of the way he’d been _raised_ , with parents who didn’t give a toss about their two kids, but Ashton wondered if it was maybe something _more_ than that.

Maybe it _wasn’t_ just self-destruction and self-harm but self- _punishment_ too, because Calum thought he didn’t _deserve_ to be loved by someone the way that Michael loved him –

Or maybe Ashton was a million miles from the mark again. It wouldn’t be the _first_ time after all.

But he remembered his dream, remembered how – _before_ his mother had appeared like something out of a horror story and Luke had materialised to save him – he’d _called_ for Michael and Calum, and had been met with only darkness and silence.

Ashton was terrified that, one day soon, he was going to wake up and there’d be nothing left of _either_ of them. He thought about that a lot.

Ashton thought about it _so_ much that his eyes burnt with fresh tears and he had to take several big gulps of the cool night air before his head would stop spinning enough for him to even _consider_ going back inside.

He didn’t get very far though because, just as he reached shakily for the door handle, it opened from the inside and someone familiar stepped out into the night.

“Oh,” Ashton said dumbly when Aleisha froze in front of him, her face paling rapidly. “Uh… Hi.”

The younger girl stared at him with what could _almost_ be described as pain for several long seconds before her shoulders slumped a bit and she gave him a sneer that looked a bit forced.

“Hi,” she said, somewhat stiffly. “I just came out to smoke but if you’re already out here then I can just as easily –”

“It’s fine,” Ashton said hurriedly, sitting back down on the steps again but moving over awkwardly so that she had room too. “You’re welcome to stay.”

“I know I am. It’s my school,” she snapped but there was something in her tone that made Ashton think that her heart wasn’t really in it. “I’m sorry for scratching your cheek,” she said suddenly, her voice a lot smaller as her fingertips brushed the skin there. Ashton flinched away instinctively and she bit her lip. “I left a scar. Sorry.”

“That’s okay,” he said without thinking, dropping his face into his hands for a moment as his heart slowly stopped racing. “I’ve got plenty.”

He panicked suddenly, wondered why he’d even _said_ that before he realised that he was _so_ exhausted that he really wasn’t thinking anymore but, for once, Aleisha didn’t seem to be judging him.

She made a roll-up carefully, rolling the little square of paper up in a practised movement as her black-painted nails faintly reflected the streetlights in the carpark. It looked like she’d done it hundreds of times before and, for the first time, Ashton wanted to know what she was _like_.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that,” he mumbled, his cheeks flaming, and she gave a jerky little shrug as she jammed the cigarette between her painted lips and fished a lighter out of her pocket.

“We all have scars,” Aleisha said, her words a little distorted as she held the cigarette in place while she lit it. “Some of them aren’t _visible_ , that’s all, Ashton.” She put the lighter away and took a long drag, holding the smoke in for as long as she could before she released it unwillingly. “If anyone tells you they don’t have scars, they’re lying.”

Ashton watched her in silence, gripping the cold edge of the stone steps as they sat there side by side, close without touching.

“You’re smoking that really fast,” he commented before he pulled a face, frowning. “Sorry. Was that rude? I feel like that was probably rude.”

“You apologise too much,” she said, raising an eyebrow at him. “And you _don’t_ apologise for the right things.” She let out a little laugh and it was rougher than he’d imagined, didn’t really fit in with the sugary voice that he’d used to hate so much but was now only unsure of. “I smoke to _die_ , Ashton. You’ve got to have _something_ to aim for, right?”

“That’s not a very nice thing to aim for,” Ashton whispered, gripping his knees tightly as he chewed on his bottom lip. Her long hair fell in a curtain over her left shoulder, hiding her face from him, and he wondered what she was thinking, wondered why she was still _listening_ to him…

Wondered where all of the awkwardness and animosity had gone.

“Y’know, you’re _nothing_ like I used to think you were,” Aleisha said suddenly, her eyes flashing up to his face through the tumbling waterfall her hair made.

Ashton looked up at her, startled.

“I was just thinking the same thing,” he admitted and she went back to her cigarette again. “Luke told me something about you once,” he added before he tried to work out why he wasn’t just letting the conversation die.

There was a sick sort of curiosity inside him though and he kind of _wanted_ to know what she was like, wanted to imagine her kissing Luke and compare it to _him_ , **_them_** , now.

“Oh, this should be interesting,” Aleisha said wryly, smiling around her cigarette. There was dark red lipstick staining the paper. It looked like blood.

“He told me, y’know, about what happened to your brother… and what your parents were like…” Ashton looked down at his feet in the stupid shiny black leather shoes that Sharon had made him choose. “He told me about how you really wanted to make them happy… and I’m sorry, Aleisha. I’m so, _so_ sorry.”

Aleisha had gone very quiet and still beside him, and Ashton suddenly worried that he’d overstepped the mark.

“Why did he tell you all of that?” she whispered and the end of the cigarette glowed a burning orange, an ominous point of light in the darkness.

“Because he was worried about you,” Ashton breathed back, his voice even quieter than _hers_ had been. “He wanted to make you happy, y’know? He tried so, _so_ hard but he just couldn’t lie to himself anymore. I think, when he realised he couldn’t help you, there was no reason to keep pretending. But he _didn’t_ want to hurt you, I know he didn't. Not _really_. He just got tired and you both said some pretty crap things to each other but you just didn’t understand each other, I guess. That’s all.”

The silence was painful to listen to and Ashton distracted himself by counting how many times Aleisha took a drag of the cigarette before she spoke again.

_One. Two. Three. Four._

“I know,” she said at last, her expression downcast now, like the conversation had aged her. “We were both just stupid kids, trying to delude ourselves. It’s pathetic really, when you think about it. You think you can do _anything_ when you’re that age, think you can _really_ leave behind all the shit that’s bringing you down. It’s _tragic_.”

Ashton tried to resist the urge to stretch the sleeves of his suit jacket down over his hands, tried not to feel vulnerable and exposed but he _hated_ this, hated putting his feelings out there for someone when there was a chance – a pretty _strong_ chance with Aleisha – that they would be torn to pieces.

“It doesn’t _have_ to be tragic,” he offered softly, ducking his head when a light breeze tousled his curls. He wished Sharon had let him wear a bandana. “Things _can_ change. You just need to stick at it. You have to make sure that you stick around to _see_ things get better.” He chewed on his lip again, harder, until he _thought_ he could taste blood, but his shoulders were a little less stooped. “You need to make sure that you’re around to see it,” he repeated.

“You’re not the same kid who was crying on Luke’s doorstep, are you?” Aleisha said but it didn’t sound like a question and Ashton felt his cheeks heating up at her words.

Ashton didn’t know what to say but Aleisha broke the silence and he was grateful for that.

“Please... will…” She faltered and exhaled shakily, watching the smoke dissipate in the cold air above them. “Will you tell Luke I’m sorry?

“Sure, of course,” Ashton replied, even as confusion coloured his expression because, _really_ , it should have been _them_ who were apologising. “But… but sorry for _what_?”

“He’ll understand,” she said softly and Ashton nodded, accepting that.

“Okay,” he breathed.

Her lips twitched weakly.

“The show starts in like ten minutes. We should probably go back in. People will be wondering where we’ve got to.” She snorted, rising fluidly and stamping the cigarette out beneath her heavy boots. “Luke might think we’re cheating on him with each other otherwise.”

Ashton gave an uncomfortable laugh, unsure of what to make of that, and Aleisha rolled her eyes, fixing her hair in the glass panel of the door and wiping away a smudged bit of lipstick with the pad of her thumb.

“Oh relax, Ashton,” she said airily but he thought that maybe the darkness in her eyes had receded a little. “It was only a joke.”

Ashton managed a weak smile as he turned away, reaching to get the door open, but Aleisha caught his arm and pulled him back to face her.

“I…” She pulled a face, like the words tasted bitter in her mouth. “I’m sorry for being so awful to you, Ashton. It sounds like a lot of crap has happened to you too and you deserve someone as good as Luke a _whole_ lot more than I ever did. You look after him for me, yeah? But don’t treat him like I did. Please.”

“I won’t,” Ashton said unthinkingly, his eyes widening slightly at the surprisingly regretful look on her face. “Ever.”

When Ashton walked back inside and sat down between his two best friends, he felt _lighter_ but there was a new uneasiness dancing on the edges of his consciousness now, and it was worry for Aleisha.

He hoped she’d find the happiness she was searching for someday.

She deserved it.

They _all_ did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of maybe actually _like_ Aleisha's character?  
>  I wonder if that's just me...  
> Ah whatever, anyway please let me know what you think!  
> Luke's dancing next :)


	109. Washed Over Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He supposed it was the sort of modern dancing that he’d never really even_ considered _before, but he did now, because Luke moved like water, beautiful and pure and effortless and **perfect** , and Ashton might have _cried _if Luke had even given him the chance to catch his_ breath _._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long - some crap happened this weekend so I've been kind of busy.  
> Hopefully this is alright though - I'm sorry it's so short and I'm not that happy with it but I can't really get anything else out at the moment.  
> Please don't hate me.

**_I'm broken,_ **

**_Do you hear me?_ **

**_I'm blinded,_ **

**_‘Cause you are everything I see._ **

_\- More Than This, One Direction_

 

Ashton had only just sat down in his seat again when the lights were dimmed and the music started.

His heart was racing a little bit – maybe at the knowledge that he’d almost missed the start, maybe because of the conversation he’d just had with Aleisha, or the worries he had for Michael and Calum… or maybe just because of **_Luke_**.

Ashton thought maybe it was the latter when the curtains were drawn back and four teenage girls in floaty dresses that seemed to almost _ripple_ spiralled across the stage. The music was soft and delicate but Ashton found himself distracted when he heard Michael mutter to himself: “ _Focus_. You promised Luke.”

Calum was still beside the curly-haired boy, watching in silence as the girls danced, and his dark eyes were flat and smooth but Ashton could _see_ the fire crackling just beneath the surface.

He shuddered, trying to ignore the shame in his chest, before he glanced back towards Michael again, and it was with mild surprise that Ashton saw that Michael was watching the dancing – _really_ watching it. The anger was fading from his eyes and Ashton thought that maybe coming to this show _had_ been a good thing after all.

It gave them the opportunity to focus on something _else_ , if only for a little while.

As more dancers were introduced in various costumes, Ashton began to realise that there was a sort of _story_ to the show.

While every act was separate, they seemed to almost weave into each other, and something was about to happen now because the music was swelling and the dancers were spiralling to either side of the stage to leave the centre free and then –

 _Luke_.

The blond boy was clearly tense and nervous but Ashton thought he looked so, _so_ beautiful.

His eyes were glued to Luke and Ashton felt his cheeks flush a bit when he saw the bruise he’d sucked into Luke’s neck and, for a moment, he wondered whether Aleisha would notice, question it, feel jealous or regretful, before Ashton realised that maybe she _wouldn’t_ because they were all growing up now, and it was _hard_ , and it _hurt_ , but maybe it was something that just had to happen, even if it _wasn’t_ always for the best.

It was quite cold in the theatre but watching Luke dancing made something warm fill Ashton’s chest as he watched. He had to shake himself though because he soon found that he was focusing on _Luke_ rather than on the boy’s dancing in general, and that wasn’t fair.

Dancing meant _everything_ to Luke which, naturally, led Ashton to try to work out what _kind_ of dancing it was that Luke was doing.

He supposed it was the sort of modern dancing that he’d never really even _considered_ before, but he did now, because Luke moved like water, beautiful and pure and effortless and **perfect** , and Ashton might have _cried_ if Luke had even given him the chance to catch his _breath_.

Luke was dressed in a simple black outfit of a tank and shorts but his feet were bare and there was what _might_ have been dark eyeliner smudged around his beautiful eyes. It made the ocean-blue _burn_ almost, like shards of sapphire fire as he twisted and spun.

When another dancer stretched their hand out towards him, he fell gracefully, only to roll at the last moment before he was on his feet again, graceful and flowing and _delicate_ almost, and there might have been a lot of pain in those moves but he was making something beautiful out of it, and Ashton had _never_ been more proud.

Ashton realised that, despite all of the horrible stuff that had happened to him - to _both_ of them - he had to be pretty damn lucky to have someone as beautiful and wonderful and pure as _Luke_ loving him back.

The blond boy completed the move he’d been tormenting himself over _perfectly_ and Ashton let himself stop worrying for a little while as the waves of calm Luke created when he danced washed over him.

Ashton had read once that you weren’t supposed to make someone your everything because, if they left, you’d have nothing.

The older boy had always lived by that because of what had happened to his mum but, with Luke, it just wasn’t like that because he _was_ Ashton’s everything – he was his whole _world_ but, somehow, that realisation just didn’t scare him anymore.

He thought maybe it was because he _knew_ that Luke wasn’t going to leave him now, _knew_ that Luke loved him because the blond boy had said once that he’d tell Ashton that until the older boy believed it, and he’d _keep_ telling him because it would always, _always_ be true.

The blond boy was the single most wonderful thing that had and would ever happen to Ashton – he knew that undeniably – and, with Luke there, Ashton thought he could do anything.

When the blond boy’s sparkling ocean-blue eyes met Ashton’s at the end of the show as he completed his last move to uproarious applause, Ashton realised that, sure, there were a lot of terrible things going on but at least _Luke_ was safe now – that much Ashton was always going to make sure of. _Forever_.

Ashton stood up and cheered, like he’d promised to do all those months ago, and Luke’s face lit up like a kid’s on Christmas day as everything else seemed to fade to background noise.

“I love you,” Ashton mouthed, his eyes shining with what _might_ have been tears, and Luke’s lips were easy to read as he took the final bow.

“I know.” The blond boy’s lips parted to form the words and his lip-ring glinted beneath the lights. He was pale and _ethereal_ -looking almost. Ashton would have done anything for him.  _Anything_.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think if you like, I don't know.  
> Thank you for reading <3  
> P.S. Astrid sent me this link and it's _definitely_ how I imagined Luke dancing: http://youtu.be/5IYBiZl_J7Q?t=54s


	110. Supposed To Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“This is so weird,” Luke said and a slightly hysterical peal of laughter bubbled out of his chest. Aleisha smiled wryly too and said: “Great. Now he’s laughing like a hyena” and, even though Ashton could still see the hurt in her eyes, he appreciated that she was trying her hardest to make this easier for Luke._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this update a lot more <3 I'm pleased with the lyrics too, I think they fit quite well and any song off Taylor's 1989 is amazing basically so. Yeah.  
> Basically, I really hope you'll all enjoy this update :)  
> It's not that long again though, sorry! The next one will be longer I promise!

**_Rain came pouring down when I was drowning._ **

**_That’s when I could finally breathe,_ **

**_And by morning gone was any trace of you._ **

**_I think I am finally clean._ **

_\- Clean, Taylor Swift_

 

They waited for Luke in the brightly lit reception area outside.

An uncomfortable-looking Calum was talking to Sharon about drop bears in a low voice – the curly-haired boy wondered how _that_ conversation had happened and felt sorry for the football captain – but Michael and Ashton were leaning against the wall a few feet away as they waited for Luke to get changed.

There were still people drifting out of the theatre hall and heading to their cars when Michael gave Ashton a gentle nudge, nodding his head towards the double doors down the corridor.

“There’s your boy,” he said softly and Ashton made a small, surprised sound because using those words to describe Luke made Ashton’s heart swell in his chest.

“Here comes Huke Lemmings!” Michael said in a much louder voice, so that Sharon and Calum could hear too, and Luke looked like he wanted to stand on Michael’s foot as he approached them shyly, ducking his head so that his golden hair hid his smoky eyes. Ashton closed the gap between them, cupping Luke’s face gently and stretching up on his tiptoes so that he could press a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips.

“You were really amazing out there,” he breathed, his eyes earnest. Michael made a sound like he was pretending to be sick and Ashton wondered vaguely if he _wanted_ Sharon to set Shelly on him.

“You _were_ awesome though, Luke,” Michael admitted, his voice a little softer now. Luke looked up, startled, and Ashton saw his eyes widen even more when Calum reached out to brush his knuckles lightly against Luke’s shoulder.

“Nice one,” the dark-haired boy said softly, his voice gruff.

Ashton’s arm slipped around Luke’s waist and he stood on his tiptoes, kissing Luke lightly on the cheek, and the blond boy relaxed into him, tilting his head so that it rested on top of Ashton’s.

“I’m so proud of you, Lukey,” the older boy said but Luke tensed and Ashton soon realised why.

Aleisha was leaving the theatre hall, trailing behind two of her friends as she typed a message out on her phone. She looked up when she passed them though and her expression was that curious mixture of regret and acceptance again.

“Hey, Luke,” she said calmly and he made a frightened little squeaking noise as he gripped Ashton’s hip tightly. Aleisha sighed, brushing her sandy-coloured hair out of her face and giving him a half-smile. “You don’t have to look so scared, Luke. I’m not going to start screaming at you again.” She hesitated, biting her lip. “And it’s okay.”

Over her shoulder, Michael and Calum exchanged wide-eyed looks, for once too stunned to remember that they couldn’t bear to look at each other anymore.

“It’s… _okay_?” Luke’s voice shook and Ashton couldn’t say he blamed him.

“Yeah,” Aleisha said, her bright eyes flickering over to Ashton and away again. “Yeah, it’s okay; I forgive you; we can still have a civil conversation together; _blah-blah-blah_ – let’s still be friends, okay? I think that’s how this is supposed to go.”

“This is so weird,” Luke said and a slightly hysterical peal of laughter bubbled out of his chest. Aleisha smiled wryly too and said: “Great. Now he’s laughing like a hyena” and, even though Ashton could still see the hurt in her eyes, he appreciated that she was trying her hardest to make this easier for Luke.

“I _am_ happy for you though, Luke,” she added and Ashton felt sort of like maybe he should leave them to talk. Sharon had already ushered Michael and Calum outside, and the steady stream of people leaving the theatre hall had ceased now. Aleisha’s friends were waiting just through the doors.

“Or I’m _trying_ to be,” she amended softly, her expression a little apologetic now. “I think maybe that’s something that will only come with time though.”

Luke reached out but he hesitated, like he wanted to touch her but wasn’t sure if he was allowed to or not. Aleisha smiled thinly but she still gave his hand the gentlest squeeze.

“I was going to ask Ashton to tell you after I bumped into him earlier but I guess I might as well do it now I’m here,” she said and Luke glanced down at Ashton, startled. Aleisha tucked her hair behind one pierced ear and Luke looked back at her.

“ _I’m_ sorry too, Luke,” she said but her tone of voice made Ashton pay attention because it _almost_ sounded like Luke had already apologised to her. Then Ashton remembered the night where Luke had ended things with her and he realised that maybe he _had_.

“That’s okay,” Luke whispered but he was leaning on Ashton heavily, like the conversation was weighing on him. The blond boy’s eyes were wide and he looked shocked, sad, but also kind of _relieved_ , like he could stop worrying now. “I forgive you too.”

Aleisha left, walking swiftly with her head held high, like she felt lighter. She stopped when she reached the door though, hesitating with her palm spread open on the glass as she looked back over her shoulder at them, her leather jacket bunching up around her as she shifted nervously.

“See you two around maybe?” she suggested and Ashton squeezed Luke’s hip lightly to let him know he didn’t mind. The blond boy relaxed again, smiling weakly as his limp hair fell into his eyes.

“Maybe,” he said and she gave him another faint smile as she disappeared out into the night.

“You okay, Lukey?” Ashton asked in a hushed voice when the blond boy gave a little sniff, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of the hoodie he’d stolen from Ashton.

“Yeah,” Luke whispered and he was kind of crying, tears running down his face as he clung to Ashton, but Luke looked just as mystified as Ashton felt when a sob escaped him.

“Yeah, I am,” Luke repeated and he giggled, burying his face in Ashton’s shoulder as the tears kept flowing. “I’m _relieved_ I think… but… but I am. I really, really am, Ash. I promise.”

The older boy swallowed past the lump that had suddenly risen in his throat as he pulled Luke into a proper hug, breathing in the familiar, comforting smell and holding Luke _just_ as tightly as the blond boy was hugging him.

Ashton never, _ever_ wanted to let Luke go and the best part was that maybe he didn’t even _have_ to. Not if Luke didn’t want him to.

Ashton thought _he_ was probably okay now too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was okay!  
> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> Mostly feelings and smut next (with a tiny bit of fluff/angst thrown in because I can't physically _not_ write that!)


	111. Finally Meeting The Ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“But I love this,” Luke breathed, choking on a moan when Ashton finally started to roll his hips. Luke rocked back down to meet him. “I love_ you _.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of sickeningly fluffy and it took me _THREE_ hours to write so hopefully it was worth it.  
>  This was my favourite chapter to write so far :)  
> Enjoy!

**_We’re hiding out in a dream,_ **

**_Catching fire like kerosene,_ **

**_And you know I’d never let you down,_ **

**_‘Til the sun comes up, we can own this town._ **

**_Something like make-believe,_ **

**_Living in a movie scene._ **

_\- Long Way Home, 5 Seconds Of Summer_

 

Luke wasn’t tired enough to sleep when they got home so, while he was in the shower, Ashton disappeared into their bedroom to shut the curtains and put some music on. He settled for some Fall Out Boy in the end, figuring that maybe they could just relax for a few hours until Luke was drowsy enough to fall asleep.

Ashton was slumped down on their bed, spread-eagled and too lazy to take his suit off, when he heard Luke turn the shower off in the bathroom.

The blond boy appeared in the doorway a few minutes later, his hair messy from where it had been towelled dry. He was only wearing a t-shirt and some boxers but he didn’t look anywhere _near_ ready for bed yet.

“I didn’t get the chance to tell you earlier but I like your suit,” Luke said, stretching his arms out enough that his t-shirt rose to reveal a strip of soft, pale skin. Ashton reached out, snagging Luke’s hand and tugging him down gently onto the bed too. Luke rolled over to face him. “You look _really_ hot.”

Ashton inhaled sharply, his arms coming to wrap around Luke of their own accord when the blond boy wriggled closer to him, pressed up against his side.

“You think so?” Ashton asked but he sounded a bit breathless. Luke smiled, tucking his face into Ashton’s neck. The older boy groaned when he felt Luke’s teeth grazing the skin there, his mouth hot and wet as he pressed open-mouthed kisses to Ashton’s throat.

“Yeah,” Luke breathed and his voice was so soft that Ashton had to listen _really_ hard to hear him. “You’re so hot, daddy.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ashton ground out and his cheeks were burning when he felt how hard Luke was against his hip. “Luke, I – _shit_ – are you sure?”

The blond boy sucked at Ashton’s neck again, hard enough that Ashton felt the blood vessels burst, and he _knew_ it would be a spectacular-looking bruise in the morning.

“I’m sure if you are,” Luke said but his voice was rough and his pupils were blown. Despite that though, Ashton could see the love burning in them, the _concern_ , and he realised that he could do this.

“Yeah,” he said roughly, threading his fingers through the soft curls that grew at the base of Luke’s neck as he pulled him down gently for a kiss. “Yeah, I want this,” Ashton mumbled against the blond boy’s lips but the rest of his words were lost because Luke had just sucked Ashton’s bottom lip into his mouth before he bit down on it lightly.

The older boy pulled away with a moan, trying to calm himself by loosening his tie even as his suit trousers began to feel _uncomfortably_ tight because he needed to check something first.

“How…. how far do you want to –”

“Fuck me,” Luke gasped out, twisting so that he was sitting on top of Ashton, pressing down _right_ over where Ashton wanted him most, but there wasn’t enough friction and it was going to drive the older boy _insane_ if they didn’t do something soon. “If you can. If you even _want_ to. **Please**.”

“Oh _god_ , yes, yeah, I can.” Ashton’s words were embarrassingly strangled but he didn’t have it in him to be embarrassed, _especially_ not when Luke rocked against him experimentally, making them both even _harder_.

“Please, Luke, _please_ –” Ashton began but he broke off because Luke had just darted down to kiss him again, his tongue dragging hot and slow against Ashton’s as the blond boy shifted, dropping his hands down to work at the zipper on Ashton’s trousers so that they could be taken off.

The air felt cold against him when Luke freed his cock and Ashton felt goosebumps rising on his arms when the starched material of his shirt dragged across his hardened nipples.

“ _Oh god_ ,” he gasped out when Luke pressed a kiss to the head of his cock, curling his tongue into the slit lovingly. Ashton groaned, pushing Luke away shakily, and the blond boy giggled, flopping down on the bed as he watched Ashton hopefully, the innocence of his expression _ruined_ by the outline of his hard cock in his boxers.

“It’s not nice to tease people, Lukey,” Ashton admonished, turning away to search for the lube so that Luke wouldn’t see the relief and what could almost be described as _glee_ he could feel bubbling inside him.

“Sorry, daddy,” Luke mumbled but his voice hitched and Ashton turned back just in time to see the blond boy with his hand in his underwear. Luke withdrew it sulkily at the look on Ashton’s face but the older boy would have to have been _blind_ not to see the light dancing in Luke’s eyes.

Maybe he’d missed this more than he’d let on… or maybe talking to Aleisha had thrown _him_ too – and sure, it was probably _weird_ to think about your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend during sex but Ashton couldn’t _help_ it because, even though he _knew_ that she’d never got to have **this** with Luke, he still felt… _jealous_.

That might have explained the love bite he sucked into Luke’s thigh when he eased the blond boy’s boxers down his long, pale legs.

“Come up here and kiss me please,” Luke begged and Ashton did as the younger boy asked, giving Luke his mouth to lick at as he slicked his hand up with lube and let it fall to rest on the inside of Luke’s thigh.

The anxiety overwhelmed Ashton quickly and he wished it wouldn’t. He just wanted to be able to make _love_ to Luke again and it was frustrating him, even as his chest began to feel a little tight.

He needed a distraction and, fortunately, Luke seemed to realise that.

“Ash, were… were you _jealous_ earlier?” the blond boy asked suddenly, even as he spread his legs further and guided Ashton’s hand down, because he could see the worry there now but also the _determination_ , and he knew Ashton well enough to realise that the curly-haired boy couldn’t do this on his own.

Ashton’s cheeks flushed at Luke’s words and he squared his jaw, saying nothing as he let his gaze flicker down to the younger boy’s overheated skin as he brushed his fingertips against Luke’s hole.

The blond boy’s breath hitched, even as he cupped Ashton’s face gently with his small hands, kissing his lips softly.

“You look like a puppy when you sulk,” Luke said and Ashton pouted. The blond boy’s eyes gleamed though and he drew back, sucking his lip-ring into his mouth and groaning low in his throat when Ashton pressed a finger in.

“ _Daddy_ ,” Luke whined, pressing his head back into the pillows and gripping Ashton’s shoulders tightly when the older boy withdrew his finger, only to push it back in again just as slowly. Luke’s cock hardened even further and Ashton pressed a kiss to the younger boy’s collarbone.

“You really don’t need to be jealous though!” Luke gasped out, biting his lip when Ashton’s finger bottomed out. He drew in a ragged breath. “She tried to get me off once and I started crying so…”

Ashton wanted to laugh, wanted to fondly call Luke an idiot, but what came out instead as he pressed a second finger in carefully was a slightly wrecked-sounding: “I _really_ love you, princess.”

Luke’s eyes rolled back a little when those words combined with Ashton finding his prostate and the moan that was ripped out of him was _shockingly_ hot.

The older boy reached down to jerk himself in a vain attempt to relieve some of the pressure but nothing seemed to _help_ anymore.

“Add another,” the blond boy gasped out and Ashton carefully did as his boyfriend asked, finding it easier to stay calm now because Luke so obviously _loved_ this, had said he wanted it, had _begged_ for it even.

Ashton wasn’t going to hurt him. He **wasn’t**.

“ _Daddy_ ,” Luke said urgently, making grabby hands in the back of the suit jacket that Ashton had _no_ inclination to remove anymore. Ashton’s fingers pressed into Luke’s prostate again and the younger boy’s hips jerked as he whined. “Daddy, _please_. I’m ready.”

Ashton looked up at him with darkened hazel eyes, taking in Luke’s scrunched-up face and rosy cheeks, the floppy blond fringe and his sparkling eyes, and this was _so_ different. He _wasn’t_ going to hurt Luke. **Ever**.

“ _Please_ ,” Luke said in a much softer voice, still achingly hard but _pliable_ now, like all of the fight had gone out of him, and now he was just waiting and _hoping_.

Ashton couldn’t let him down again.

“Okay,” Ashton breathed, carefully withdrawing his fingers and kissing Luke gently when it made the blond boy wince. “Yeah. Okay.”

He kicked his underwear off inelegantly and Luke smiled, catching Ashton’s lips with his own and kissing his doubts away as he ran his fingers comfortingly through the older boy’s curls.

“C’mon,” Luke urged softly and that was the last push Ashton needed.

He suppressed a low groan when he slicked himself up because it felt _weird_ to touch himself after so long, but not necessarily _bad_ , and he wondered why he’d punished himself for something that wasn’t his fault.

He seemed to wonder a _lot_ of things these days.

“ _Ashy_ ,” Luke pleaded and Ashton kissed Luke, slow and hot and messy, as he gently rocked forwards until the head of his cock was engulfed in heat.

The older boy gave a choked-sounding moan, even as Luke whined, the sound high and needy in the moments before he opened up around Ashton as he sank in.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Luke sobbed, wrapping his legs around Ashton’s waist tightly, pushing him deeper. “Forgot how _big_ you were.”

Ashton’s head was spinning and his pulse was thundering in his ears but he heard that, wondered if Luke wanted to _stop_ but the blond boy continued to talk, his words slurred as he pressed kiss after kiss to the column of Ashton’s throat.

“But I love this,” Luke breathed, choking on a moan when Ashton finally started to roll his hips. Luke rocked back down to meet him. “I love _you_.”

Ashton felt something in his chest, looking down at Luke’s beautiful, _beautiful_ face as more pleasure than he could ever remember _feeling_ swept through him, washing away the last of the grime that had been staining his heart for _years_.

If Ashton was being honest with himself, the feeling was similar to when you put your hand under very hot water and, for a few moments, it felt _cold_ before, suddenly, you were on _fire_.

Luke’s hand dropped down to rest on the pillow beside his head and Ashton took it gently, slotting their fingers together as he thrust in hard, making Luke’s breath catch in his throat.

“I love you _so_ much,” Ashton promised and Luke’s smile lit up his whole face, even as he let out another broken cry when Ashton hit his prostate, making Luke’s cock kick out a spurt of pre-cum.

Ashton thought about reaching down to wrap his fingers around Luke but the blond boy must have seen it on his face because he gasped out a desperate: “ _No. Just from you_ ”, even as he rocked back to meet the older boy with a newfound vigour.

Neither of them lasted very long but Ashton thought maybe that was _expected_ after so long, and he figured it didn’t really matter anyway because that was definitely _not_ what this was about, because they were _together_ and in _love_ , and Luke’s hand running comfortingly up and down Ashton’s back beneath his shirt felt like the sun kissing his skin again in a way he hadn’t felt in _years_.

Loving Luke was like pearls over silk, gold nuggets through water, dust in the wind – smooth and tangible and _free_.

 **Theirs**.

It felt like the waves were washing over him, like Ashton was a river finally meeting the ocean as it opened up to it at last, and he didn’t understand why they hadn’t _always_ been this way, because it felt good and real and **perfect**.

It felt _right_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> I hope this was okay <3  
> Also um... things are kinda going to get a bit dark again soon... because - and I _really_ hate to tell you all this - the worst hasn't actually happened yet... but Lashton will be okay... so... yeah...  
>  Um... bye now.


	112. The Ice Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Don’t worry about_ him _, Lukey,” the curly-haired boy whispered, careful to make sure his voice was loud enough that Michael could hear. “He gets mean when he doesn’t play enough music. Just ignore him.”_  
>  _Michael pouted but his eyes were gleaming and he looked like he was trying not to smile._  
>  _“I miss playing music!” Michael protested, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking a bit pensive. “I can’t help it if our almost-band fizzled out, can I?”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken me a couple of days to update! Seriously though, this update took me two days to write and idek why. Maybe because I was reading through this entire fic in an attempt to vaguely edit it actually and _wow_ I don't know how you guys haven't got bored of this yet but thank you!  
>  I hope you'll enjoy this update <3  
> Um... there was meant to be no angst but I kind of screwed that up. Sorry.

**_I wish I’d known right from the start,_ **

**_When times get hard,_ **

**_Getting lost is the best part._ **

_\- The Best Part, Taylor Henderson_

 

The next day was a Saturday and Ashton spent most of the day wandering around the market with Luke while Sharon searched for a specific type of shawl which could apparently only be found there.

Ashton didn’t ask her _why_ she specifically wanted that type of shawl. He didn’t really _care_ to be honest.

He was much more content to just amble around with Luke’s hand held loosely in his own as the pair of them wandered through the bustling marketplace.

Sharon had given them twenty dollars and told them to treat themselves and, for once, they did exactly what they were told.

Luke had persuaded Ashton to buy a new wallet because his was _literally_ crumbling and they’d bought the blond boy a penguin key-ring as well, just because. They grabbed a handful of plectrums with their favourite bands on too, since they finally had a _use_ for those now because Sharon had finally got round to collecting one of Luke’s guitars from his old house and, when it got to lunchtime and Sharon _still_ hadn’t come back, Ashton and Luke sloped off to find some food.

They settled on strawberry and chocolate crêpes in the end, carrying the pancakes over to a bench and dropping down onto it as the sun shone brightly overhead, warming their skin.

They’d only been eating in companionable silence for a few minutes – and sharing the occasional kiss which Ashton thought they should _definitely_ be excused for because Luke’s mouth tasted like chocolate and he couldn’t get _enough_ of it – when Michael turned up, dressed peculiarly for the warm weather with a beanie and the hood of his jacket pulled up.

“Nice to see you two are just as sickeningly cute together out in _public_ too,” Michael teased and Ashton gave a surprised laugh, pulling Luke closer to his side and pressing a kiss to his blushing cheek.

“Lovely to see you too, Mike,” Ashton retorted but he was trying not to smile and Luke _definitely_ didn’t help when he leant up to kiss the corner of Ashton’s mouth, his tongue a gentle swipe as he licked some chocolate away.

Michael made another of his stupid gagging sounds but there was a certain wistfulness in his clear green eyes that made Ashton’s face fall a bit because he _knew_ Michael was thinking about Calum.

“So… what’s with the get-up?” Luke asked quickly, apparently sensing the need to change the subject too, and Ashton relaxed considerably when Michael’s eyes brightened.

“Oh right! Yeah, I dyed my hair again but I’m not sure if I like it or not so…”

Luke straightened up, almost dropping his crêpe in his excitement. “I’ve only ever seen you with red hair!” he realised before he grinned suddenly, his lip-ring glinting in the sunlight. “Except for in some of those old photos Ash showed me of when you were a kid. Who knew gold was your colour, right?”

Michael _glared_ at Ashton but his eyes were sparkling a bit and, up until that point, Ashton hadn’t even realised how _sad_ Michael had looked.

It was a _very_ nice change to see him happy for once.

“What colour did you dye it, Mikey?” Ashton asked curiously, finishing off the last of his crêpe and setting the wrapper down on the bench beside him. Michael smiled nervously and, in answer, pulled his hood down so that he could tug his hat off.

Luke made an excited squawking noise as he looked from Michael to Ashton excitedly and the older boy kind of wanted to laugh at his boyfriend at first before he remembered _his_ reaction the first time Michael had dyed his hair – it had involved squeaking something about how it looked like a “ _really purple galaxy_ ” and spilling drink all over himself – so Ashton figured he should probably _not_ be a dick about this.

“You look like a smurf! Or a blueberry!” Luke exclaimed but his cheeks were flushed and even _Michael_ couldn’t seem to bring himself to make a mean comment. “I like it.”

“Thanks, Huke,” the now-blue-haired boy said with a roll of his eyes but at least he was grinning.

“It looks really cool, Mike, honestly,” Ashton said and Michael looked pleased, balling his beanie up and stuffing it into his backpack as the wind playfully tousled his wild blue hair.

“So why are you in town today then, blue?” Luke mumbled, smiling stupidly at the frankly unimaginative nickname as he turned his face away shyly into Ashton’s neck.

“Need to get some new guitar strings,” Michael said, running a hand ruefully through his hair before he swiped a piece of Luke’s crêpe, frowning a bit when he had to lick chocolate off his fingers because he’d made a mess.

“I’m going to the music shop,” Michael added, biting his lip when Luke gave him puppy dog eyes and ruffling the blond boy’s hair lightly to mess his quiff up. Luke squawked and Ashton sent a half-hearted kick at the blue-haired boy. “And I’m going to go there right now because I think I just made Luke cry by stealing his food and now I feel bad.”

Ashton snorted despite himself because Luke was clearly hamming it up now, giving Michael these big, sapphire eyes as he made his bottom lip wobble. Ashton giggled, tucking his face into Luke’s neck when Michael started to look guilty.

“Don’t worry about _him_ , Lukey,” the curly-haired boy whispered, careful to make sure his voice was loud enough that Michael could hear. “He gets mean when he doesn’t play enough music. Just ignore him.”

Michael pouted but his eyes were gleaming and he looked like he was trying not to smile.

“I miss playing music!” Michael protested, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking a bit pensive. “I can’t help it if our almost-band fizzled out, can I?”

“We’re still getting loads of views on my channel though,” Luke said, his tone a little more serious as he straightened up on the bench. Ashton’s arm was wrapped gently around his waist but he tightened his grip a little when the sun went behind a cloud, taking the warmth with it.

Michael shivered and his blue hair suddenly looked a few shades darker. Ashton watched him with a slight frown on his face, taking in how the blue made him look a _lot_ paler than he was. Michael’s hands were shaking faintly.

“Someone commented the other day and asked us to make another cover,” Luke half-whispered and Ashton wondered how things had changed so much, so quickly.

“We can’t be a band without one of our members,” he said softly and Michael flinched like someone had hit him.

“I’m gonna go to the shop now,” he mumbled but there was so much _pain_ on his face that Ashton couldn’t let him go before he’d asked just one more question:

“Do you still love Calum, Mike?”

Luke stiffened and Michael froze, and Ashton wondered if maybe it had been a stupid thing to ask before Michael’s shoulders slumped a little, like some of the ice inside of him was melting away.

The sun came out from behind the clouds but Ashton still felt cold.

“Of _course_ I do,” Michael whispered, and then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this got a bit sad but I feel like you guys are probably used to it now because I _know_ I've written much, much worse but I promise - if all goes to plan (and it doesn't _always_ , just so you know) - the next chapter should hopefully be quite cute and fluffy and stuff, idk.  
> Thank you for reading though! Please let me know what you think :)


	113. Die Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“You’re not really into this, are you?” he teased and Luke grinned but his eyes were dark._  
>  _“No,” he said truthfully, biting his lip and rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as a shy smile touched his lips. “I kind of just want to get to that whole ‘making out’ part, to be honest.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of feels in this but hopefully mostly the good kind <3 this is actually sort of a bit squishy and disgusting and I made it probably a bit _too_ cute if I'm being honest with myself?  
>  Idk ew I think I need to go to the dentists now, Lashton are too sweet to write and it pains me <3

**_You're the glitter in the darkness of my world._ **

**_Just tell me what to do, I'll fall right into you._ **

**_We're going under, cast the spell, just say the word._ **

_\- Boom Clap, Charlie XCX_

 

They spent the evening in their bedroom that night, watching Iron Man films on Luke’s laptop while they ate toffee-flavoured popcorn from a bowl that Sharon had apparently made herself in a pottery class she’d taken seventeen years ago. When Ashton looked at the curious shape of the china and the orange splodge painted on the side which was presumably supposed to be Shelly, the older boy couldn’t say he was particularly surprised.

Ashton was wearing the navy cardigan his nan had knitted him over his pyjamas and Luke was snuggled up beside Ashton. The taller boy was wrapped up in a blanket – although he didn’t _really_ need it since it was unusually hot, even for November – with his blond hair soft and floppy on his forehead. It was just long enough that it was beginning to curl up now and Ashton thought Luke looked _so_ cute like that.

The older boy was actually feeling pretty sleepy though and his eyes were _just_ about to slip shut when he rolled over to get comfortable, miscalculated how much room there was on the bed, and fell off the edge, letting out a panicked squawk as he dragged Luke, the duvet, and the large bowl of popcorn onto the floor with him.

When Luke propped himself up on his elbows to look down at his boyfriend just as a piece of popcorn hit the older boy on the forehead, Ashton thought it was just adding insult to injury.

There was a moment of complete silence before Luke started laughing, his nose scrunching up as he hid his giggles in the older boy’s neck, and Ashton found it impossible _not_ to smile – even though he was pretty sure he’d wounded his already-fragile ego – but at least it had woken him up, he supposed.

Half of the duvet was still on the bed, trapped beneath the laptop, and the way it was stretched across them both looked _almost_ like one of the dens Ashton had helped Harry and Lauren build when they were little and Anne had been out of the house... and _that_ gave Ashton an idea now...

“Did you ever build a den when you were a kid, Lukey?” the curly-haired boy asked and Luke was frowning as he shook his head.

“No,” the blond boy said quietly, and he was still sitting on Ashton, his cheeks flushed from laughing after his boyfriend had pulled them onto the floor. There was a bit of popcorn in his hair. “Ben and Jack used to though. It looked fun.”

Ashton's hand slipped up to cup Luke’s cheek gently and he smiled, albeit a bit sadly.

“You wanna try building one now?” he asked and Luke’s face lit up as he nodded. Ashton smiled, coaxing Luke down for a gentle kiss before he drew back reluctantly so that they could stand up. “We better hoover this popcorn up first though. I doubt Sharon will want Shelly eating any. He’s fat enough as it is.”

Sharon’s very faint: “ _How dare you?!_ ” echoed throughout the bungalow and the two boys were _still_ laughing when they’d finished sweeping up the mess with a lime green dustpan and brush twenty minutes later because, as it turned out, Sharon didn’t actually _own_ a hoover anymore. (It had apparently been broken several months ago by Shelly falling off the kitchen counter and landing on it. The irony of this was not missed by Ashton.)

“So, how do you build a den then?” Luke asked excitedly and Ashton was smiling like an idiot as he paused the film and set the laptop safely on the table by the window.

“You just need loads of pillows and blankets and stuff,” he said in a grave tone. Luke giggled and Ashton fought for composure. “You need those big cushions off the sofa and then you need pegs to hold the blankets in place, or something heavy to put on the table or whatever to hold them up. We used to use piles of books when we were younger but they used to fall on us sometimes.”

Luke stared at Ashton like he was insane and the older boy rolled his eyes, trying not to smile.

“That’s part of the fun though! You never know if you’re going to get hit on the head with whatever you’re holding the blankets up with, or if all of the sheets and duvets are going to fall on you, and you _always_ end up with neck ache because the blankets pressing on your head feels weird so you hold yourself funny and just – _wow_ – I forgot how _fun_ these stupid things were!”

Luke bit his lip, looking a bit conflicted.

“Are you _sure_ these are supposed to be fun, Ash?” he asked awkwardly, looking at the pile of duvets and blankets Ashton had deposited in the middle of their floor with an apprehensive look on his face. “Because I think they sound a bit… _not_.”

Ashton raised an eyebrow, aware that he was smiling like a complete moron but doing his best to suppress it all the same.

“But if we build a den,” Ashton said slowly, glancing up at Luke through his eyelashes before he looked back longingly to the pile of duvets again. “Then we could make out in it.” Luke inhaled sharply and Ashton’s lips twitched into a _real_ smile. “Y’know, only if you _wanted_ to though, obviously.”

The blond boy helped him build the den pretty quickly after that.

Luke kept giggling and stumbling over the pillows on the floor and, when he finally managed to trip over and send the whole thing falling down on Ashton, the older boy dragged himself out from beneath the duvets dramatically, his curls in disarray around his head, his cheeks flushed from laughing.

“You’re not really into this, are you?” he teased and Luke grinned but his eyes were dark.

“No,” he said truthfully, biting his lip and rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as a shy smile touched his lips. “I kind of just want to get to that whole ‘making out’ part, to be honest.”

“Patience is a virtue, Luke,” Ashton said in a solemn tone in the moments before he swung one of the pillows lightly at the younger boy, making Luke cackle.

Ashton let out a squawk when Luke threw a pillow straight back at him and managed to catch his bare foot on the same fold in the duvet that had tripped _Luke_ earlier, and the next thing he knew he was lying flat on his back with a giggly blond boy tucked up beside him.

“I feel like a kid,” Ashton said, amused, and Luke’s laugh was quieter and softer, like he was finally calming down a bit, and honestly, Luke had said that he thought Ashton was cute when he was hyper once but that was absolutely _nothing_ compared to how adorable Luke got when he laughed too much.

The blond boy grinned, exhaling a bit shakily as he tried to catch his breath. His lips brushed the underside of Ashton’s jaw and Luke let his forehead fall to rest on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Do you want kids?” Luke asked suddenly, completely out of nowhere, and Ashton frowned, considering the question. The answer was kind of obvious in the end though.

“I do,” he said hesitantly, frowning up at the ceiling as he wrapped his arm around the blond boy carefully, his fingertips gently tracing Luke’s spine as he closed his eyes for a moment. “But I’d be scared I’d mess up.”

Luke made a soft humming noise to show that he was listening and Ashton glanced down at him, feeling his breath hitch a little when Luke pressed a soft kiss to the older boy’s collarbone.

“You wouldn’t mess up though,” Luke promised, his small hand coming to rest on Ashton’s chest, pale against the navy blue of the woollen cardigan. “Look at how well you raised Lauren and Harry, right? You could totally do it. You’d be an amazing parent. I _know_ you would.”

Ashton wondered how this conversation had even _started_ because it seemed a bit too real – a bit too _scary_ if he was being honest with himself – and they’d only been having a damn _pillow fight_ a few minutes ago and now they were discussing their _future_ – sort of, almost, maybe – and it felt _weird_.

“Do _you_ want kids?” Ashton asked quietly and Luke’s ocean-blue eyes got a bit regretful, even as he gave a small nod of his head.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, sucking his lip-ring into his mouth as he was wont to do when he was uneasy. His expression became brooding. “I’m scared too though.”

There was a moment of silence and, before Ashton could ask Luke to elaborate, the blond boy took a shaky breath, closing his eyes for a moment when they began to look suspiciously wet.

“What if I end up like my dad?” Luke whispered and Ashton’s arms were wrapping around his boyfriend’s waist securely before he’d even stopped to _consider_ it.

“That’s not _possible_ ,” Ashton promised but he didn’t elaborate further. There would be a time for talking later but, right now, Luke’s eyes were tired and sad, and Ashton wanted to make him smile again.

“Did you maybe wanna make out now or…?”

The blond boy grinned, ducking his head for a moment as he blushed prettily.

“Thought you’d never ask,” Luke muttered but at least he was smiling now and Ashton felt himself relax a little as his boyfriend leant down to capture his lips softly.

Luke’s little hands wound into Ashton’s curls and the older boy closed his eyes, letting out a contented sigh as Luke settled down more comfortably over him.

Ashton had always _loved_ having his hair played with and the fact that Luke seemed to actually _like_ stroking his curls was the best thing _ever_ , honestly.

Ashton shifted so that he could bring his hand up to stroke the back of Luke’s neck tenderly but the movement caused the duvet still on the bed to fall down on them from above.

Their laughter was muffled but their hands were warm and Luke’s tongue against Ashton’s was a hot, familiar slide as their hips slotted together perfectly, like they were made to be this way – two halves of a whole.

“I really _do_ love you,” Ashton breathed, even as he gripped Luke’s hips gently as they rocked against each other. The older boy’s breath caught in his throat and Luke’s lips parted in a silent gasp.

“I love you too,” Luke said breathlessly, his darkened eyes twinkling in the shadows beneath the blanket, sparkling like the stars that hung in the sky above the pier almost, and Ashton thought that – kids or not – if he could have Luke for the rest of his life, he could die happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I mostly covered everything in the note at the beginning but hey, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!  
> I know I said there was going to be sad stuff soon but I'm sort of a bit frightened to write that so I'm going to add another chapter in before that where things are still all nice and cute and stuff - and if that's smut then... you're not gonna judge me, right?


	114. Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Sorry,” Ashton said, almost smiling despite himself. He stroked Luke’s hair gently and the blond boy whimpered. “You’re really cute though, if it’s any consolation.”_  
>  _“It isn’t,” Luke mumbled, his words coming out muffled by the pillow, but Ashton could tell that his boyfriend was trying not to smile too._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically this is probably the smuttiest thing I think I've _ever_ written and I have absolutely 0% chill right now and I'm not even sorry.  
>  (Hopefully) enjoy :P

_**You will never know,** _

**_Just how beautiful you are to me,_ **

**_But maybe I'm just in love,_ **

**_When you wake me up._ **

_\- Wake Me Up, Ed Sheeran_

 

Ashton couldn’t sleep on Sunday night but it wasn’t for wont of _trying._

He’d been lying in bed beside Luke for _hours,_ watching the minutes pass by as he lay there in the dark. His boyfriend had fallen asleep almost at once, his pretty blue eyes sliding shut the very _moment_ his head had hit the pillow.

They’d spent the morning grudgingly revising for exams before they’d splashed around in the swimming pool in the back garden _so_ boisterously that Sharon had told them that they’d have to get spiders out of the bath _themselves_ next time if they didn’t shut up.

They’d piped down pretty quickly after that, spending the rest of the evening eating beans on toast and talking to an exhausted-looking Calum on skype.

Ashton had got upset and, by nine o’clock, Luke had suggested that they simply go to bed so that they weren’t too tired for school the next morning.

That hadn’t _quite_ gone to plan in the end though because, just as Ashton was about to drop off at around midnight, Luke let out a whimper.

Ashton frowned, sitting up in the darkness and rubbing his eyes as they slowly adjusted to the lack of light.

“Lukey?” Ashton breathed, reaching out to his boyfriend but hesitating when the younger boy shifted closer. “Lukey, are you okay?”

Luke let out another quiet whimper and Ashton began to worry that the blond boy was having a nightmare or something when Luke’s hips jerked forwards and –

Ashton’s eyes widened and he shifted away subtly, feeling guilty, but Luke just followed him, pressing himself up against Ashton’s side and thrusting clumsily against his boyfriend’s thigh.

“ _Oh my_ _god_ ,” Ashton breathed, dropping his head into his hands for a moment and trying _so_ hard to ignore the heat unfurling in his stomach because this just felt _creepy_ and – and, _damnit_ , he didn’t know what you were supposed to do when your boyfriend started having a wet dream beside you! Did you wake them up or just politely pretend that you hadn’t noticed anything?

He wondered briefly if Michael would know the answer before Ashton realised that the years of teasing this query would inevitably cause just _wasn’t_ worth it.

“Luke,” Ashton breathed, kind of disgusted with himself now because the broken little whines Luke was emitting were turning him on and this just felt _way_ too creepy. “ _Luke_ , damnit! _Please_ w-wake up!” Ashton’s voice cracked but he felt himself relax when Luke’s hips stilled and he blinked his blue eyes open.

Ashton bit his lip to suppress his groan when he saw how blown Luke’s pupils were.

“Ash?” Luke mumbled but a low moan tore through him when he shifted, like the friction was too much. “Oh _god._ ”

Luke’s cheeks flamed and he buried his face in the covers, curling up into a ball in a vain attempt to hide. “ _Sorry_ ,” he said in a small voice, peering out at Ashton through the gaps in his fingers.

“Don’t be,” Ashton said quietly, letting his cool hand rest soothingly on Luke’s forehead in the hope that maybe it would help calm the younger boy down. “It’s okay. Happens to the best of us, Lukey. Y’know, I’m actually surprised it hasn’t happened _before_.”

Ashton hesitated, taking a couple of deep calming breaths and frowning when he still felt _just_ as worked up. “So… uh… what were you dreaming about?” he asked and Luke groaned, burying his face in his arms so that Ashton couldn’t see him anymore.

“Stop it,” Luke pleaded and Ashton could tell the blond boy was still embarrassed because the back of his neck had gone all splotchy and red like that time in the basement.

“Sorry,” Ashton said, almost smiling despite himself. He stroked Luke’s hair gently and the blond boy whimpered. “You’re really cute though, if it’s any consolation. ”

“It isn’t,” Luke mumbled, his words coming out muffled by the pillow, but Ashton could tell that his boyfriend was trying not to smile too.

“You want me to distract you?” Ashton asked and Luke nodded jerkily, finally turning his head a little so that Ashton could see one large, ocean-blue eye gazing at him through the darkness.

“Um… okay…” Ashton said, lying back down again and regarding the shadowy ceiling with a critical stare as he tried to think. “Uh… I used up all of my penguin facts when I was talking to you while you were in the bath earlier so do you want me to tell you about the sandwich I ate for lunch or what my favourite fruit used to be?”

Luke snorted with laughter despite himself as the colour in his cheeks gradually faded.

“Are you _sure_ you’ve run out of facts?” the blond boy asked and Ashton’s smile widened as he racked his brains.

“Uh… probably,” the older boy said but he tried anyway. “Um… emperor penguins are the tallest species of penguin?” he checked hopefully and Luke rolled his eyes, burying his smile in the crook of his elbow again.

“Already knew that fact,” Luke murmured but he looked a little bit calmer when he rolled over onto his back too, although he _did_ keep his knees folded up with the duvet bunched in his lap so maybe he _wasn’t_ as calm as he was trying to pretend.

“Um… let me think of something else,” Ashton said and his expression brightened considerably when he actually _thought_ of something.

“Oh! I have something!” the curly-haired boy said, feeling pretty proud of himself when Luke raised his head curiously. “My music teacher Mrs. McKay’s grandson Barry - who I apparently remind her of - is getting married next month! She told me after class on Thursday. She got really excited and started showing me pictures of this weird jade green hat she’s bought for the ceremony. I think she’s a bit excited.”

Luke’s smile softened and he finally let himself relax properly onto the bed. Ashton slipped his arm around Luke’s waist and urged him gently closer and, although the blond boy’s cheeks reddened a little, he went with it.

“Did you ever want to get married when you were little?” Ashton asked before he’d really had time to consider it. Then he frowned because they’d already had a weird conversation about kids yesterday and now they were talking about _weddings_.

“Kind of,” Luke said, shrugging a little uncomfortably. “I thought I’d have to marry a girl though, y’know? Didn’t really like that idea much…” Luke fell silent and Ashton pressed a kiss to his shoulder lightly. “What about you, Ash?”

Ashton shrugged, biting his bottom lip distractedly as he mulled that over.

“Much the same as you, I guess,” he said softly, his voice thoughtful. “I pretended I liked girls but, y’know, I was lying to _myself_ as well as everyone else but… the actual wedding _itself_ … I never really wanted it all, y’know? Flowers, big church, girl in a pretty dress – I wasn’t particularly bothered. ”

The quiet after that statement lasted for all of two seconds.

“Wouldn’t say no to the dress bit to be honest,” Luke mumbled, his cheeks flaming, even as his voice took on that curious edge that it only got when he was too turned on to process what he was _saying_ anymore. It was then that Ashton realised quite how _hard_ Luke still was against his hip.

"Or _anything_ pretty really,” the blond boy continued, hiding his face in Ashton’s shoulder when his boyfriend looked at him with dawning realisation. “I’m not fussy.”

Ashton was quite certain he’d never got a boner so quickly before because, _damn_ _,_ if Luke was into _that_ then – then Ashton _really_ needed a cold shower right about now.

“I don’t know why I said that. Now I’ve made things awkward,” Luke groaned, like that was even _possible_ , and that was basically _confirming_ it now and – _fuck_ – this was so much kinkier than Ashton had ever given it credit for but, somehow, he didn’t even _mind_.

He thought vaguely that maybe it was just because of how _hot_ Luke had looked with eyeliner on.

“It’s not awkward,” Ashton mumbled as he settled down over Luke gently so he could kiss him.

The blond boy was unresponsive for a few moments, apparently shocked, but then he gave this soft, strangled moan and deepened the kiss, knotting his fingers into Ashton’s hair and anchoring him there as the older boy swallowed the breathy little moans Luke was emitting with relish.

“We can buy you something pretty if that’s what you want, princess,” Ashton ground out, biting his lip in an effort not to moan when Luke’s thigh slipped between his legs.

Luke’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment but, when he opened them a few seconds later and Ashton saw that they were actually shining with _tears,_ Luke looked like all of his dreams were coming true.

“I don’t understand how you’re _real_ sometimes, I swear,” Luke murmured and his cheeks were red again and he was _so_ hard against Ashton but there was no embarrassment this time.

“What were you dreaming about, princess?” Ashton asked again and Luke blushed, even as he stretched up to kiss Ashton once more, his thin lips parting against the older boy’s perfectly as their tongues dragged lazily together.

Luke drew back just enough that his nose brushed Ashton’s and the older boy groaned, letting his forehead fall down onto Luke’s shoulder when the younger boy’s hand slipped down to rub Ashton through his boxers.

“Why don’t I just show you?” Luke breathed and Ashton felt heat wash over him as Luke’s lips brushed his again.

Ten minutes later and Ashton was _beside_ himself, fisting the duvet and panting embarrassingly loudly as Luke went down on him, his mouth this delicious wet heat as he worked to relax his throat muscles around Ashton’s achingly hard cock and - god, Ashton was literally _drowning_ in pleasure.

He’d never been this hard in his whole _life_ and Luke kept smirking when he drew back for breath, even as the younger boy gave these needy little whimpering noises when he swallowed Ashton down again, like he couldn’t get enough of it.

“You’re trying to _kill_ me,” Ashton realised when Luke’s hand crept up to roll his balls around in his palm too and, when Luke drew back a little to curl his tongue into the slit, the choked little gasps that were escaping Ashton turned into full-on _moans_ and his hips were stuttering as heat coiled in his stomach.

Ashton shut his eyes so tightly that it _hurt_ and he was literally _seconds_ away from losing it when –

 _Nothing_.

Ashton let loose a sound like he'd been hurt but he didn’t get a chance to voice his distress because Luke had just surged back, taking him in again, and seriously, Ashton could _not_ cope with this because, every single time he got _close_ , Luke stopped, smirked, and started all over again.

Seriously, Ashton was going to _die_ if Luke didn’t let him get off soon, probably.

“You’re _evil_ ,” Ashton moaned, his voice _wrecked_ as he gripped his handfuls of duvet tightly in the darkness, shuddering when Luke sucked at the tip before he swallowed him down again.

“Love you, daddy,” Luke breathed when he drew back with this _obscene_ wet noise. Ashton whimpered.

“ _Please_ ,” the curly-haired boy half-sobbed and Luke pulled away completely, the only contact his warm palms resting lightly on Ashton’s shuddering thighs.

“Now I’m going to need to ride you,” Luke said seriously and Ashton didn’t even have it in him to be impressed at how steady Luke’s voice was because he was _literally_ going to explode in a minute.

Ashton was vaguely aware that he was mumbling curse words but his head felt like it was full of cotton wool now and, when Luke snagged the lube out of the bedside table and started to finger himself open, Ashton had to squeeze himself tightly to keep from coming there and _then_ as he whined high in his throat at the sensations.

“You’re gonna _kill_ me, Lukey,” Ashton repeated, his voice _so_ far beyond wrecked now that it was almost _incoherent_. He felt _intoxicated_ almost, drunk on everything **_Luke_**.

“This is a lot hotter than my dream," Luke admitted, his voice breathy and uneven, reflecting for the first time that evening just how turned on _he_ was too.

"Let me help," Ashton mumbled past the fog clouding his brain and, when his longer fingers replaced Luke's, he knew it had been a good idea.

Luke felt so good inside, all hot and smooth, _silken_ almost, and the knowledge that he was going to be inside there soon - sinking in until there was nothing left for Luke to _take -_ was probably the hottest thing ever.

"Your eyes have gone _black_ , Ash," Luke mumbled, even as he rocked his hips back onto three of Ashton's fingers, whining high in his throat when the older boy brushed the bundle of nerves deep inside him.

" _Fuck_ ," Luke whimpered, grinding down on his boyfriend's fingers for a moment before he caught himself. " _Daddy_ , I'm ready."

The words were breathless through the darkness and Ashton moaned because, right now, that sounded like a fucking _prayer_ coming from Luke's swollen lips.

"You sure, princess?" Ashton murmured because, okay, he might be almost out of his _mind_ with arousal but he still needed to _check_ , damnit.

"Yes, _fuck_. Yeah, daddy, I'm sure."

Luke settled down more comfortably over Ashton, taking his boyfriend's larger hands and placing them on his hips firmly, even as he reached down between them to slick the older boy up.

Ashton almost came just from _that_.

"Ash, daddy, you gotta help," Luke breathed, ducking his head for a moment so that his blond hair fell to stick to his sweaty forehead. "You're stronger than me."

Ashton wasn't actually sure that was _true_ after all of the dancing but he still did as Luke asked, spreading him gently as the older boy shifted forwards until the tip of his cock brushed Luke's hole, catching and threatening to push in.

Luke's breath caught in his throat as he looked down at Ashton, his eyes hooded like he couldn't work out why they weren't fucking yet.

"What are you _waiting_ for?" Luke gasped out and then he was gritting his teeth as Ashton's hips rocked up to meet him.

" _Princess_!" Ashton gasped out, his voice strangled. His head was already swimming and he'd _never_ been this hard. _Never_.

Luke gritted his teeth but he sank down, all slick heat and fluttering muscles as he fought to adjust.

Ashton felt something wet on his face and it took him a moment to process that he was crying a bit.

" _Fuck,_ Lukey," he murmured, trying to make a conscious effort not to bruise the soft skin of Luke's hips, even as the blond boy rolled his own back to take more of Ashton in.

The older boy tried to help Luke by thrusting up but the blond boy smiled slightly, putting his hands on Ashton's bare chest to stop him.

" _My turn_ ," Luke said imploringly, his ocean-blue eyes burning into Ashton's. " _My pace. **Mine**_."

Ashton found himself thinking that he hoped Luke had dreams like this more often because it was fucking _hot_.

Still rolling his hips back leisurely to meet Ashton's, the younger boy curled forwards, his small pale hands dropping to cup his boyfriend's cheeks as he kissed Ashton deeply.

Ashton could scarcely catch his breath but his hands drifted up to stroke Luke's back, spreading across the younger boy's warm skin comfortingly as Luke moaned softly.

Ashton couldn't control the whimpers escaping him when Luke rocked his hips back again, taking the older boy in deep before he pulled away, only to sink back again as he filled himself up.

The pace was slow - _frustrating_ almost - and Luke's cock was flushed an angry red as it bobbed in front of Ashton as the blond boy rocked back again and again.

"Love you, Lukey," Ashton gasped, his breath hitching and his stomach tightening because he was _so_ fucking close right now and -

Luke stilled and Ashton swore he was going to _cry_ in a minute if he didn't get some relief soon.

"You _really_ want this to be over so soon?" Luke gasped out as he slowly started to move again, letting the tip of his cock brush the tensed muscles of Ashton's stomach and releasing a little moan, like it felt _really_ good.

"No," Ashton conceded because last time they'd been together properly, it had been quick and rushed and, while this _was_ undeniably slow, it was also incredibly damn _good_.

And, okay, maybe Luke _did_ purposefully keep Ashton on edge for as long as he could, determined to make this last after they finished so quickly after the dance show, but it was _all_ worth it for Ashton because he got to see the ecstasy lighting up Luke's beautiful face.

When Luke finally _did_ lose control though, it was a sight to behold.

He threw his head back as a whine ripped through him, kicking out a spurt of pre-cum when Ashton's cock hit his prostate _hard_.

The older boy could feel the fire in his stomach growing and burning brighter than it _ever_ had before, and he knew he couldn't last much longer, whether Luke wanted him to or not.

When Ashton's hand crept up towards Luke's heaving chest, the blond boy looked down at him, licking his lips like he was anticipating how good Ashton was about to make him feel and, when the older boy rubbed Luke's nipple between his thumb and forefinger, the blond boy didn't look disappointed.

A high-pitched whine tore through him and he tossed his head back as he climaxed with such a broken cry that Ashton seriously worried that people in neighbouring houses were going to hear them, let _alone_ Sharon (who, okay, should _definitely_ not be thought about during sex).

Luke clenched down tightly around him and Ashton’s brain short-circuited as he thrust in deep, almost _shouting_ at how good it felt as he toppled off the edge.

He saw white, coming for so long that it felt like it was never going to _end_.

" _Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke,_ " Ashton whimpered, slumping back down onto the bed as his hips finally stilled.

Luke collapsed on top of him in a pile of long sweaty limbs and too-sensitive skin.

The blond boy's thighs were shaking and he winced when Ashton slipped out of him, like walking was going to be uncomfortable tomorrow.

It seemed to take Ashton an _age_ to catch his breath again but, when he did, Luke's searching lips found his as the blond boy shifted closer, their stomachs slick with Luke's cum.

Ashton's forehead was dripping with sweat but Luke looked no better and, suddenly, a rather amazing idea made itself apparent to Ashton.

"You want to come shower with me, Lukey?" the older boy suggested and Luke drew in a shuddering breath, even as his bruised lips twitched into a faint smile.

"I'd _love_ that," Luke breathed, his voice a bit hoarse from crying. Ashton wiped his eyes for him with a corner of the duvet and the blond boy's face creased into a wider smile.

"Sorry about that," Luke mumbled, looking a bit dazed, and Ashton regarded his boyfriend in stunned silence for several long moments before he let out a giggle, staring at Luke in shock.

"Why the _hell_ are you apologising for the best sex I've ever had in my life?" he asked, shaking his head slowly because Luke was _incredibly_ insecure sometimes and the older boy wanted to help him change that.

"You were demanding as _fuck_ ," Ashton said, pushing himself up shakily into a sitting position and catching Luke's lips in a soft kiss again. "That was _really_ damn hot, princess."

Luke smile bashfully, ducking his head as his cheeks heated a pretty pink colour, but the pair of them were already on their way to the bathroom when Ashton spoke again:

"Y'know, your dreams are _so_ much better than mine, Luke. We _need_ to do this again. That was _amazing_."

Luke beamed and he looked like he was walking on air.

"Flattery will get you _everywhere_ , Ash, just so you know."

Ashton grinned as he followed Luke into the bathroom, letting the door click shut softly behind him.

"That's what I was counting on, princess."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't judge me oh my god. *hides*  
> (Please let me know what you thought)
> 
> Anyway, now that I've got all of this weird creepy smut out of my system, I can properly focus on all the upcoming stuff I've planned out which - unsurprisingly - is a HELL of a lot more angsty! So... you know... you have been warned, and I hope you appreciated the fluffy shit while it lasted...


	115. Nail In The Coffin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“It’s not nice to start rumours, Ashton,” he said and Ashton felt his throat close up because this wasn’t fucking_ fair _. All he wanted was to make sure they knew, to make sure that they were actually at least_ trying _to take care of their only son, and Ashton had wondered if maybe Calum was exaggerating before but he_ knew _now – without a single doubt in his mind – that the younger boy was right._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys _did_ say you wanted angst, right?  
>  Well I guess I delivered. Sorry not sorry.  
> My little sister was playing "Asleep" by The Smiths so I got real sad.  
> But we're back into the story with a bang now and the end is in sight.  
> I'm sorry.

**_I carry first hand hurt,_ **

**_In the back of my mind,_ **

**_'Cause you loved me so fast,_ **

**_That I got left behind._ **

**_I still watch the clock,_ **

**_But I know I’m just too late._ **

_\- When You Were Mine, Taylor Henderson_

 

Ashton didn't know what to do.

He'd walked into the changing rooms early to get ready for football practice and he'd overheard the coach asking Calum how things were at home and whether he had any fucking  _medical_  conditions that might make him ill-suited to continue in the role as team captain.

When Ashton found himself wondering how the coach had never got round to asking any of this  _before_ , he felt a bit sickened with himself because this was one of his  _best friends_  and it felt wrong to think about him in such a detached way.

"One last chance, Hood," the coach said gruffly and he patted Calum's shoulder gently - the touch was still enough to make Calum's knees buckle though - and walking back out of the changing rooms, fixing a shocked Ashton with a hard stare when he caught him eavesdropping.

Their practice went terribly after that and, when Calum slipped over in the mud at one point and didn't get up immediately, Ashton was pretty sure his  _heart_  fucking stopped.

When he realised that his first thought had been: " _Fuck – this is it_ ", he had to leave the field early because he felt like he was going to be  _sick_.

In the end though, Ashton just tried his hardest not to break down while he showered and got changed, and trying not to cry over something had  _never_  been so hard before.

He skipped last lesson again, even _though_ he'd promised Sharon he wouldn't, but then, he never kept his promises anyway, so why should this one be any different?

Calum hadn't reappeared after practice and Michael hadn't even bothered to turn up to school in the first place so Ashton felt no inclination to return to his classes. It wasn't like it was  _music_  he was missing anyway.

It was uncomfortably hot outside and, although Ashton distinctly remembered thinking once that he missed the summer, he just wanted winter back now, wanted the howling winds and the icy rains because that might go some short way to reflecting his mood, and the sunshine glowing down from the sky right now wasn't even  _close_.

Ashton's chest felt too tight and, once he was far enough away from the school that no one would be sent to retrieve him if they spotted him, he let himself stop.

There was a low stone wall edging the pavement with an empty park behind it and Ashton vaulted the wall, heading for the swings.

He dropped his bags down on the ground and stretched out his aching muscles - he tried to ignore the lack of pain in his wrist because that only made him feel  _worse_  - before he dug his mobile phone out of his pocket.

Luke answered almost at once.

"Hey, Ash. I'm just about to go into class. Are you okay?"

Ashton bit his lip, looking down at the turf beneath his peeling trainers as a light breeze ruffled his curls, tied back as they were with a bandana. He exhaled shakily.

"Kind of," Ashton mumbled and he heard Luke's breath catch over the phone. "I'm okay," the older boy sighed, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly with one large hand before he wrapped it around the swing chain again. "I've skipped out of school though. Calum's pretty bad today and I’ve _had_  it."

"What are you going to do?" Luke half-whispered, his words almost lost over the sounds of shouting and laughter in the background.

"I'm gonna go to his place, see if his parents are around or something. I  _can't_  leave this anymore. It's gone way too far now."

Ashton could almost  _see_  Luke biting his lip as he worried.

"Well... do you want me to come with you?" the blond boy asked at length and Ashton frowned as he watched the branches on the eucalyptus trees sway in the wind.

" _No_ ," Ashton said at last but there was a lump rising in his throat now and his voice was choked because of it. "No. Cal's been my  _best_  friend since we were like  _six_  or something. I've got to do this myself."

Luke didn’t reply with his usual: “You don’t have to do _everything_ by yourself, Ash” and the older boy appreciated that. He didn’t think he could _stand_ to argue with Luke today on top of everything else.

“Okay, well – well take care then, okay?” Luke had to break off when his voice wobbled and Ashton just wanted to hold him close and never, _ever_ let him go, because the world was a horrible dark place at times and he couldn’t stand to see Luke walking through it alone... just like he hated to watch _Michael_ and _Calum_ being forced to do that.

“I love you, Lukey. I’ll see you later,” Ashton muttered before he thumbed the button to end the call because the _last_ thing he needed was to start crying on the phone now.

That would just make everything that much _harder_.

He was still trying to convince himself that everything was going to be okay when he reached Calum’s house.

His parents’ car was parked in the driveway but Mali’s was still nowhere to be seen and Ashton felt a lump rising in his throat again because Calum was closer to Mali than _anyone_ and if she _still_ wasn’t home then he had to be feeling _so_ lonely right now.

Ashton’s fist was shaking when he knocked on the door but it was a long time before someone pulled the door open inside.

The curly-haired boy was greeted with David Hood’s familiar face as he stood in the doorway, blinking at the sudden onslaught of sunlight.

“Ashton,” David said, frowning at the curly-haired boy and blinking groggily at him, like Calum’s father had just been asleep. “Calum’s not in at the moment. Sorry.”

“No, I... I didn’t think he _would_ be...” Ashton mumbled but his voice trailed away because he _really_ should have planned what he was going to say before he’d turned up here.

“Ashton, are you alright? You look a bit pale,” David noticed, his frown deepening. Ashton had to bite his lip to keep from speaking because Calum’s dad might have noticed that _he_ looked like shit but why couldn’t he see that his own _son_ was wasting away right in front of him?!

Ashton wondered if maybe it was just a matter of not _wanting_ to see, like Luke’s mother.

The curly-haired boy’s jaw set because that certainly _didn’t_ excuse it.

“I came round because... because I’m... I’m worried about... about _Cal_.”

David looked confused but he twisted so that he could shout back into the house: “Joy, come out here! Ashton says he’s worried about our boy!”

Calum’s mother appeared in the doorway too, smiling indulgently at Ashton although her brow was creasing with confusion.

“What are you worrying about, love?” she asked, her dark eyes searching Ashton’s face. “And shouldn’t you be at school? Really, it’s not a very clever idea to miss lessons now, _especially_ so close to exams! I hope you’re not leading our boy astray!”

Ashton’s cheeks flamed but he hung his head, figuring that maybe if they thought he felt bad about it then they’d be more inclined to listen to him.

“I... I just...” He faltered though, panicking a little, because if he betrayed Calum's trust now then that was  _it_. The younger boy would never want to talk to him again.

“Stop stammering, Ashton! We don’t bite!” David boomed, laughing like he’d just said something hilarious. The curly-haired boy felt something cold growing in his chest. “Now tell us what’s wrong!”

Ashton wondered if Joy and David were so resolutely _positive_ when Calum went to them with a problem – if he even _tried_ anymore – and, for the first time, Ashton could see how _difficult_ that might make things.

He remembered Calum’s words and his stomach clenched nervously as the pair watched him.

‘ _Mum and dad don’t care. Mali doesn’t want to come home anytime soon. There’s nothing **left** for me there anymore. There’s... there’s **nothing**..._ ’

Ashton realised that – even if it _did_ make him feel really anxious and uncomfortable – he couldn’t _not_ say anything now because Calum _needed_ this.

He needed _him_.

“I don’t think Calum’s eating anymore. I think he makes himself _sick_.”

Ashton’s breath caught in his throat but the words were mostly steady. David’s eyes narrowed and Joy frowned disapprovingly at Ashton.

The older boy’s heart skipped a beat.

“He gets so upset and – and I think he’s _hurting_ himself and I – _Why are you shaking your head like that_?!” Ashton wrapped his arms around himself tightly, cold despite the sun burning down on him, and he felt _small_ when David just sighed, shaking his head like the curly-haired boy had let him down somehow.

“Ashton, don’t you think you’re overreacting a little?” Joy asked through pursed lips, looking almost... _disdainful_. “Because you do seem to have a _tendency_ to do that sometimes, and it would be a shame to over-exaggerate and cause problems for our boy.”

David fixed Ashton with such a hard stare that the look his coach had shot him earlier seemed positively _soft_ now.

“It’s not nice to start rumours, Ashton,” he said and Ashton felt his throat close up because this wasn’t fucking _fair_. All he wanted was to make sure they _knew_ , to make sure that they were actually at least _trying_ to take care of their only son, and Ashton had wondered if maybe Calum was exaggerating before but he _knew_ now – without a single doubt in his mind – that the younger boy was right.

“You don’t even _care_ ,” he whispered, _stunned_ , and David’s cheeks flushed an angry red.

“Now that’s not true, Ashton! How dare you _suggest_ such a thing? Of course we care! He’s our _boy_!”

Ashton was crying out before he’d even _realised_ it.

“ _Stop_!” His eyes were wide and his chest was heaving, and Joy and David were staring at him like he was _insane_. “You say he’s your boy but he’s **Calum** _first_! He’s sweet and funny and one of the best people I’ve ever _met_ , and all you seem to care about is his grades and how he makes your family look, and it’s not _right_! You don’t even see that he’s literally _falling apart_ – you don’t even _notice_ because you don’t care enough and it’s _disgusting_! Why do you think Mali keeps running away? Because she can’t _stand_ it! And if you keep acting like this, you’re going to lose Calum too, but he _won’t_ just be running away...”

Joy reeled back like he’d slapped her and Ashton’s breath was still rasping in his lungs when David stepped in front of his wife protectively, his eyes fiery. For the first time, Ashton realised that maybe Calum got his sudden bouts of violent temper from his _father_.

“Why are you trying to cause trouble, Ashton?!” David hissed, looking around like he was suddenly anxious that the neighbours were going to hear. Ashton felt bitterness welling inside him and his eyes burnt.

This was just another nail in the coffin.

“Our Calum is a good boy! He wouldn’t do anything _like_ the things you’re saying!” Joy argued tearfully and Ashton’s heart ached in his chest.

“ _Please_ ,” he said imploringly and his voice cracked. “You’ve _got_ to believe me. _Please_.”

David’s expression had iced over and Ashton flinched away involuntarily, feeling like the ground had been ripped out from beneath his feet. Everything was _crumbling_ almost and his breathing was erratic as his nails bit into his palms.

He needed to get away – _now_ – but he couldn’t until he _knew_ they were fucking _listening_. He needed Calum safe before he needed anything _else_ , damnit, and that didn’t even seem _possible_ right now!

“You’re not welcome around here anymore!” Joy cried, distressed now, and David gave a sharp nod as he turned his back on Ashton, his lip curling spitefully.

“I _knew_ he was a bad influence on our boy – him and that _awful_ Michael,” David muttered scathingly in the moments before he slammed the door shut, his tone purposefully belittling, like he _knew_ the older boy could still hear him.

Ashton let out a ragged gasp and he seemed to almost _sag_ as his tears boiled over.

“ _Calum_ ,” he gasped out but his head was spinning now and he needed to leave before they called the fucking _police_ on him or something. “God,  _Calum_.”

His tears were burning on his cheeks but that was _nothing_ compared to the pain in his chest.

Ashton felt like his _heart_ was shredding itself into tiny little pieces and that was just after five _minutes_ with Joy and David.

Ashton didn’t even want to _think_ abouthow Calum felt after sixteen _years_ with them.

It was _unimaginable_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!  
> Um... something even _MORE_ horrible happens really soon... uh... yeah.  
>  My bad.  
> But Graham Clifford is making an appearance next probably... kind of... and he was cool, right? R-right?  
> (I'm really sorry.)


	116. Life Depended

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“What’s wrong with Calum, Ash?” Graham asked carefully, his voice even. “Because Mike said he was worried that he was too thin now but I haven’t seen Calum in_ months _and… and he seemed fine then.”_  
>  _“He’s not fine now,” Ashton breathed and his voice might not be shaking now but he had_ never _felt more like he was falling apart._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely _promise_ that you don't hate me as much as I hate myself right now.

**_In the end,_ **

**_I'd do it all again._ **

**_I think you're my best friend._ **

**_Don't you know that the kids aren't al-, kids aren't alright?_ **

_\- The Kids Aren’t Alright, Fall Out Boy_

 

Ashton ran without really knowing why but his feet carried him the familiar path back to his _old_ house and, when he saw it looming in the distance, he staggered to a stop, clutching at the stitch in his side and trying not to cry.

He wanted to talk to someone but Luke was in a lesson now and he couldn’t keep bothering him, and he was too frightened to tell Michael.

In the end, he just sort of scrolled through the contact list on his phone, hoping that he’d see someone he could talk to and – when he actually _did_ find someone – he felt his eyes widen in shock as he remembered Graham Clifford’s words:

 _‘Please know that if you ever do want to talk to someone who doesn’t know you all that well and who won’t ever take it any further without your permission, I’m always here._ ’

Ashton dialled the number Graham had given him during the night they’d stayed at his house before he gave himself time to consider the implications of his actions.

Michael’s uncle answered almost at once.

“Hello?” the nurse asked. The faint sound of him opening the fridge could be heard and Ashton leant back against the wall behind him, letting his head hang for a moment as the knot in his chest eased a little.

“Hey, Graham. It’s Ash,” Ashton said quietly. His voice sounded small and he _hated_ it. “You’re not in the middle of something, are you?”

“Nothing important,” Graham said hesitantly, his tone warm but unsure. “I was just thinking about making dinner for Mike but that can wait.” Ashton frowned at that, grateful for the distraction.

“Is he staying with you then?” the curly-haired boy asked curiously and Graham was silent for a few moments.

“He’s been staying with me for about a fortnight now actually. This’ll be the third week but I’m not going to ask him to leave – it’s nice having him here and I know he’s been arguing with his parents a lot at home… He didn’t tell you?” the nurse asked uneasily and Ashton sighed, biting his lip.

“No, he didn’t.” The sun was still beating down but Ashton felt cold now. “Maybe he just didn’t want to worry us… Is he okay today? We missed him at school.”

“He didn’t show up?” Graham asked and he sighed, the sound crackly over the phone. Ashton felt guilt bubbling inside him but he felt himself relaxing a little at what Graham said next. “I hope he’s okay. I’ll give him a call after this, check he’s alright. Maybe he just needed some space.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Ashton said and he wished he’d had an uncle like Graham when he was growing up.

“Graham,” Ashton blurted out suddenly, before he’d had time to consider it. “Do you know about Mikey and Cal?”

The silence on the other end of the line was short-lived.

“Yeah,” the older man said and he exhaled shakily. “I think that’s part of the reason Mike left, actually.” Ashton felt something wither inside of him and Graham sighed sadly at the hurt sound that escaped the curly-haired boy.

“Ash, I didn’t tell you that to worry you and… and surely it’s _better_ now? At least he _chose_ to come here and… and I’d never judge him. I’d never judge _any_ of you.” He fell silent and Ashton sniffed, wiping his eyes with his sleeves roughly.

“Ash, how are you doing, mate?” Graham asked softly, and it felt like he actually _cared_ and Ashton’s eyes were burning again because it was like talking to a calmer, more predictable **Michael** , and it kind of _hurt_.

“Better than I was the _last_ time I saw you,” Ashton muttered, bitterness poisoning his tone, and Graham’s breath caught.

“Well that’s something then,” he said softly and Ashton had to fight back tears because he didn’t understand how someone could be so _kind_.

“Ash, it’s not that I’m not pleased you called because I am – I _promise_ I am. It’s great to hear from you and make sure you’re doing okay but… but you _never_ call which… which kind of leads me to think that… y’know… something might be _wrong_.”

“You’re right,” Ashton breathed but, somehow, Graham heard him. “There _is_ something wrong.”

“It’s all going to be okay, Ash,” Graham said, his voice one of forced calm. “I’m not going anywhere. I _promise_. Just tell me what’s wrong, okay? Then we can fix this.”

Ashton choked on a sob, remembering Calum’s skeletal face in the darkness and the younger boy crying in his arms on the patchwork quilt and just **_CalumCalumCalum_** until it was all he could think about anymore.

“You know how… how once you said that I could talk to you and that you wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t want you to?” Ashton asked falteringly.

“Yes,” Graham said at once and Ashton slumped back against the wall, sinking down onto the pavement and wrapping one arm around his legs as he drew them up to his chest.

“I… I’m not actually _calling_ about me. I… I’m scared for _Calum_.”

Graham’s breath was almost a _hiss_ as he exhaled.

“What’s wrong with Calum, Ash?” he asked carefully, his voice even. “Because Mike said he was worried that he was too thin now but I haven’t seen Calum in _months_ and… and he seemed _fine_ then.”

“He’s not fine now,” Ashton breathed and his voice might not be shaking now but he had _never_ felt more like he was falling apart.

“What do you mean, Ash?”

“I’m scared Cal’s going to _die_ ,” Ashton confessed and he closed his eyes as the tears boiled over. There was no one else on the street but he could hear a gull crying overhead. Ashton bit down on his knuckles to keep his sobs in. “He doesn’t eat anymore. He makes himself _sick_ , Graham, and I don’t know what to _do_ –”

“Ashton, _please_ calm down, okay? Good, that’s _really_ good. Just… deep breaths for me, yeah? That’s good, mate. That’s really good.” Graham’s tone had taken on a certain professional edge but Ashton figured maybe he was just shocked and he was coping with it the only way he knew how.

“Right, okay, you just focus on controlling your breathing and I’m gonna talk at you, okay?” Graham’s voice was soft and calm, and Ashton felt a little of the fucking _terror_ draining out of him. “Good job. Okay. Ash, what Calum’s suffering with right now is _awful_ but you can’t let it hurt you. You’ve got to be strong, yeah? So just keep breathing for me, nice and steady. That’s really, _really_ good, Ashton.”

The curly-haired boy’s cheeks were flushed with embarrassment and not enough oxygen but he gripped the phone like a lifeline, listening like his life depended on it.

“Okay, so what we’re going to do now is we’re going to talk to Calum’s parents and –”

“They don’t care! I tried!” Ashton gasped out and he could practically _see_ Graham frowning as he started to pace.

“I’ll contact my supervisor at work then,” the nurse said after a moment. “Hopefully she’ll be able to point me in the right direction of who we should contact about this. We don’t want to get Calum sectioned obviously but… but we _do_ need to keep him safe and if that’s the only way to do it –”

“Cal’s gonna _hate_ me,” Ashton gasped out as the tears streamed down his cheeks again, and Graham gave a soft sigh.

“Ash, you’ve done the right thing in telling me,” he promised, his voice still just as calm and steady. “You might well have just saved Calum’s life. Now – hey, Ash, keep breathing for me, okay? Focus on it. Nice and slow for me, okay? Good. Keep doing that.”

Ashton’s breathing was ragged when he realised that he hadn’t mentioned Calum’s cutting too but, somehow, he stayed silent. He’d done enough.

“Are you gonna tell Mikey?” Ashton gasped out and Graham must have felt as lost as Ashton did.

“I... Not right now. Not _yet_ ,” he said at length and Ashton felt _terrible_ for putting him in this situation.

“ _I’m sorry_ ,” Ashton whimpered and Graham seemed to force himself to focus because he tried to calm the older boy down again.

“Don’t apologise, Ash. You’ve done _nothing_ to be sorry for. Now, where are you?”

“Few streets away from Calum’s house,” Ashton breathed and he felt _ashamed_ now.

Graham was _too_ kind and Ashton didn’t deserve it.

“Okay, Mikey mentioned a while back that you were staying with Luke’s aunt now, right? Can you give me her number please, Ash? I want to let her know that you’re in a bit of a state so she’ll know to take extra care when you get in, alright? Can you do that for me?”

“Yeah,” Ashton whispered. “I’ll hang up now and I’ll text you it, and then I’ll go home.”

Ashton sent Graham the number but he didn’t go home. He crossed the road instead, not bothering to check for passing cars, and his heart rose into his throat when he came to a stop outside his old house.

He hesitated, stopping where the pavement met the cracked stone of his old driveway, and his phone vibrated in his pocket. 

**[Incoming call from LUKE]**

“Ash, are you okay? I snuck out of geography – I couldn’t _stand_ not knowing if you were okay or not and I’m on my way home now so –”

“It was _bad_ , Lukey,” Ashton mumbled, his voice curiously hollow now. Luke fell silent. “Cal’s parents didn’t care. They wouldn’t listen. I thought they were going to call the fucking _police_ on me.”

“ _No_ ,” Luke whispered and there was so much _pain_ saturating that one word that Ashton’s heart ached even _more_ painfully in his chest.

“I rang Graham – Mike’s uncle. He… he said he’d tell someone…”

“I’m so, _so_ proud of you, Ash,” Luke said and his voice was thick with unshed tears. “You’ve been really fucking brave and –”

“I… I don’t what to _do_ now…” Ashton whispered and Luke’s voice sounded shaky over the phone when he spoke next.

“What do you mean?” the blond boy whispered and Ashton started walking down the driveway, his eyes teary, his jaw set.

“I’m at mum’s,” the older boy whispered and Luke’s breath caught in his throat.

“ _Don’t_ ,” Luke pleaded, his voice suddenly _so_ much more strained. “Ashy, _please_. It’ll just _hurt_ you and –”

“She hasn’t locked the front door,” Ashton muttered and Luke fell silent. The curly-haired boy’s shaking hand reached out for the handle and he froze, his hand trembling on the cold metal.

“Ashton, don’t,” Luke said sharply and the panic in his tone was _frightening_ but Ashton was already opening the door now and there was an awful smell coming from inside and –

“Ash, what’s going on?” Luke whispered, _hollow_ now, and Ashton’s knees hit the stones as flies poured out of the dark house and he could feel the bile rising in his throat and his head was starting to swim now and his vision was flickering as the knot in his chest _crushed_ him and the panic was overwhelming him and – and –

 **Nothing**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I am issuing a public apology for the fact that I'm a bad **bad** person.  
>  Please forgive me oh my god.


	117. Black Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton could smell the death saturating the air outside, felt it_ inside _him almost, like black blood, seeping through his veins and tearing him apart from the inside out as it destroyed him._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so fucking sorry seriously.

**_The tears come streaming down your face,_ **

**_When you lose something you can't replace._ **

**_When you love someone, but it goes to waste,_ **

**_Could it be worse?_ **

_\- Fix You, Coldplay_

 

Ashton opened his eyes.

“Ash?  _Ashy_? Ash,  _please_ , are you okay? Ash, I  _need_ you to be okay. Ashton,  _please_ …”

His stomach turned and he crawled away from the door in  _agony_ , his phone scraping across the stones as he dragged it in his hand. He was sick in the grass.

He couldn’t understand why he _hurt_ so much.

“ _Ashton_! God,  _please_!” The voice was panic-stricken.

Ashton rolled over onto his back and the pain spiking through him _worsened_.

The sky above Ashton was pale blue with wisps of whitish-grey cloud drifting across it. His phone screen was cracked as he gripped it too-tightly in his shaking hand.

He could hear the flies buzzing inside.

It was driving him  _insane_.

“ _Ashton_?”

 ** _Luke_**.

There was a lump in his throat but he couldn’t cry. His head hurt from where it had struck the stones when he’d fallen. His forehead was sticky with blood.

“ _Luke_.”

“ _Ashton_?! Oh thank god! Okay, I’m – I’m coming  _now_! Right now, Ash, I promise! I’m running! I’ll be there in two minutes, I swear!”

A bird flew overhead, sweeping its wings in a graceful arc to avoid the house. There were still no passing cars.

Ashton could smell the death saturating the air outside, felt it  _inside_ him almost, like black blood, seeping through his veins and tearing him apart from the inside out as it destroyed him.

“ _Luke_...” Ashton’s voice was hoarse and broken. _Weak_.

He remembered his dream, remembered the dark house and the dripping blood and his  _mum_. He remembered what she said.

‘ _This is **your**  fault_.’

His thigh was burning with pain and he raised his head weakly to look down at it. There was a shard of broken glass embedded in his thigh, the sort of green glass that came from the wine bottles Anne had emptied on a daily basis. It had nicked the artery in his leg.

He was bleeding out.

“ _Oh_ ,” Ashton murmured, and Luke’s breathing was loud and rough with exertion in the older boy’s ear but Luke must have heard because he seemed to be trying to hold his breath as he ran in an effort to keep quiet.

“What is it, Ash? _Please_ , what’s wrong?”

Ashton’s leg gave another throb and the blood was staining his clothes and spreading out on the floor. He wondered vaguely how long he had before he lost consciousness again.

“ _I’m dying_.”

The words were breathless but steady. His bleeding head pounded. The tears in his eyes refused to fall.

“ ** _No_**!” Luke’s voice was several octaves too high now and the frequency of his feet hitting the pavement increased rapidly. “Ash, I’m literally  _seconds_ away, I swear! I’m gonna call an ambulance, okay? I’ll be right there, I  _promise_ I will! Please, Ash.  ** _Please_**.”

The line went dead. The bird kept circling. The world kept turning.

Ashton’s vision dimmed.

He could feel the breeze on his skin. He could smell the decay on the air. His blood pumping out of his thigh was sticky beneath his trembling palm. The glass cut Ashton’s hand when he tore it free with shaking fingers.

He closed his eyes.

“ _ASHTON_!”

His eyelids fluttered open and he saw a blurry figure racing towards him, all wide ocean-blue eyes and ashen skin.

Ashton felt  _cold_  and the knot in his chest felt different now,  _stronger_ , like icy fingers were curling around his heart and squeezing the life out of him.

“ _Ashy_!” Luke cried and Ashton fought to focus.

The blond boy’s beautiful face blocked out the sky above him as he dropped down onto his knees beside Ashton. His blue eyes were _wide_ and there were tears streaming down his flushed cheeks as he gasped in breaths, exhausted from running but fucking _terrified_ for his boyfriend.

“Ash, you’re – you’re _bleeding_ ,” Luke gasped and, when his hands pressed down hard over the wound on Ashton’s thigh, the older boy was crying out in pain before he’d even _processed_ the agony coursing through him.

“I’m sorry – I’m _so_ sorry,” Luke sobbed out, keeping pressure on the wound even as the tears continued to fall. “Ash, I – fuck, what’s that _smell_? I –”

He broke off when he looked up and _saw_ and, although he seemed to be fighting the urge to clap his hand over his mouth as he did his best to stem the flow of blood, Luke managed not to be sick.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Luke breathed and Ashton’s eyes started to flicker over but the blond boy leant closer suddenly, his eyes panicky and horrified and _urgent_.

“Ashton, keep your eyes on me, okay? _Only_ on me. _Please_ , just... just try.”

Ashton tried to do as Luke asked, fought not to look inside the house and see his mother’s broken, decaying, twisted body lying limply at the foot of the stairs.

She must have been dead for _weeks_ by now.

“ _Ash_!” Luke snapped, panicking badly, and Ashton opened his eyes again, unaware that he’d even _shut_ them. Everything felt almost _shadowy_ now, fading.

His head didn’t hurt anymore and even the pain in his thigh was lessening. Luke pressed down harder and a low groan was torn from Ashton as tears blurred his vision.

“Ashy, I’m here. I’m _right_ here. Just... you’re gonna be safe, Ash! I _promise_! I’m gonna keep you safe, I _swear_. It’s okay. It’s _all_ gonna be okay. Just hold on, Ash, _please_. The ambulance will be here _so_ soon. Just... just _please_... Hold on.”

Ashton’s hazel eyes were glassy and too wide. He couldn’t remember when he’d last blinked. The tears were pooling up and _burning_ , and Luke was crying over him like his heart was breaking.

His hands kept sliding from Ashton’s thigh, slippery with blood as the older boy paled in front of him.

“ _Luke_ ,” Ashton breathed and, although the panic was _trying_ to claw at his heart, he felt almost _calm_ now, but it was a _forced_ calm, and it was a distinctly unpleasant sensation. His fingers felt cold and the dried blood was tacky on his palms as he raised one of his hands weakly to brush Luke’s cheek.

“ _Ashy_ ,” Luke sobbed, _broken_ now, like he was losing hope. “Ashy. _Please_. I... I can’t _do_ this without you.”

Ashton could hear the sirens in the distance but they were too far away now.

They wouldn’t get there in time. He was _sure_ of it.

By the hopeless _dread_ mirrored in Luke’s tear-filled ocean-blue eyes, he was terrified of the same thing.

“ _I love you, Lukey_.”

Luke leant forwards cautiously, still taking care to keep pressure on the wound, and his lips brushing Ashton’s was the only light left in the darkness.

“I love you _too_ , Ashy,” Luke breathed and his lips were curving into a wobbly smile and his eyes were shining with tears and –

Everything was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought if you don't hate me too much.  
> Oh my god I'm sorry.


	118. More Than Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He wondered if Ashton was dreaming or if it was dark inside his head. Luke wondered if Ashton was scared and, as that thought crossed his mind, a sob tore through him and it was a_ long _time before he could catch his breath again._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not anticipate how difficult it would be to switch POV!  
> This chapter took me four hours to write (although that might be because I have little to no knowledge of medical stuff (Exhibit A) so i had to do a lot of research...  
> Hopefully this is okay! Enjoy <3

**_Your love is like a soldier,_ **

**_Loyal 'til you die,_ **

**_And I’ve been looking at the stars,_ **

**_For a long, long time._ **

**_I’ve been putting out fires,_ **

**_All my life._ **

_\- Bonfire Heart, James Blunt_

 

Luke felt numb.

The hospital room was warm but Ashton’s hand was cold in his. He squeezed it gently but Ashton’s hand didn’t tighten in response.

The monitors kept beeping softly. Luke’s eyes burnt with tears but he sniffed hard, refusing to let anymore fall. He’d done enough crying over the last few days.

The walls of the hospital room were a pale yellow and Ashton’s honey-coloured curls looked dark by comparison. His hazel eyes remained stubbornly shut but his golden lashes were fanned out on his tanned skin and his full lips were slightly parted beneath the breathing tube disappearing into his nose. There was a gash on Ashton’s forehead being held together with butterfly tape and an intravenous drip in the crook of his left elbow.

His chest rose and fell evenly as he breathed.

“Oh, _Ash_ ,” Luke murmured, letting his head hang down as he tried in vain to warm Ashton’s larger hand with both of his own. He carefully avoided Ashton’s left hand as that was stitched up after he’d cut himself on the glass but his other hand felt mostly the same, still calloused after years of playing the drums, still soft enough to cup Luke’s cheek gently and tell him that everything was going to be okay again.

More than anything, Luke wanted Ashton to do that.

“How’s my favourite patient?” a friendly voice asked and Luke looked up as a nurse bustled into the room. His smile was half-hearted but he was doing his best to remain polite.

“Still s-sleeping,” Luke said but his voice cracked.

The nurse taking care of Ashton after his surgery was a small purple-haired woman called Kath. She said nice things about Ashton’s curls and told Luke that they had to be just about the prettiest couple she’d ever seen.

He’d started crying but she’d smiled gently like she understood, and Luke liked her now. She always let him sit beside Ashton, and she’d heard him singing gently to the older boy once and she hadn’t even _laughed_ at him.

“It’ll be okay, love,” Kath said softly but Luke wondered how many times she’d said that to people before when it _wasn’t_ okay, _could_ never be okay again, because Ashton still hadn’t woken up.

“So how long have you known him for, sweetheart?” Kath asked and Luke looked up in surprise before he processed the question. The nurse had her back to him as she checked the stitches on Ashton’s thigh but she actually sounded interested and it was… _nice_.

“Um…” Luke thought for a few moments, dropping his head into his hands when he remembered the pier, remembered turning round and climbing to his feet and _seeing_ Ashton standing there with fire in his eyes and pain in his heart, and the sheer _beauty_ of him was enough to make Luke’s breath catch in his chest.

“I… I think it’s been… almost a year? I met him last autumn and it’s the end of summer now…” Luke’s voice trailed away and he took Ashton’s hand again, leaning down to press a gentle kiss to the back of it. He wondered if it was his imagination but it didn’t feel so _cold_ anymore.

“It’s his birthday next month,” Luke said and his voice wobbled. Kath’s brow creased beneath her purple hair and she straightened up as she tucked Ashton back in firmly beneath his blankets again.

“It’ll be okay,” she repeated and, when Luke _still_ looked tearful, she gave a small shrug. “Maybe you could try singing to him again?” Kath suggested and Luke’s cheeks were still flushed when she left the room after giving him a gentle pat on the shoulder.

The blond boy sat there in stubborn silence for a few moments, frowning out into the darkness through the glass because it was easier than breaking down in tears again.

The moon was already rising and Sharon would be home feeding Shelly now before she returned in a vain attempt to get Luke to come home later.

So far, he’d barely left Ashton’s side though and he didn’t intend to.

The only time he’d gone was when Grace Irwin turned up with Ashton’s brother and sister. Then Luke had gone to surreptitiously cry in the toilets for twenty minutes before he pulled himself together enough to go and buy a coffee from the machine down the hall, since he wasn’t exactly _sleeping_ at the moment so caffeine seemed like the only other alternative.

He’d spoken to both Calum and Michael on the phone a few times too, and it was _always_ the same thing – “Yeah, he’s still stable. No, he hasn’t woken up yet. I’m sorry.”

At that point, both of them had told Luke that he had nothing to be sorry _for_ , that Ashton would be – _god_ – **dead** without him, but he couldn’t help but feel that he should have done a lot more.

He’d let Ashton down and Luke knew he’d never forgive himself for it. _Never_.

Ashton’s fingers twitched in Luke’s, like he wanted to hold the younger boy’s hand but he wasn’t quite awake enough to do it yet.

Luke’s breath caught in his throat and he stared at Ashton in shock, desperate to see a glimmer of hazel as his eyes flickered open but, after a few moments, he gave up, letting his forehead fall to rest lightly on Ashton’s forearm as hopelessness welled up inside him.

“ _A drop in the ocean,_ ” he sang softly, still holding Ashton’s good hand in his own, even as the other one fisted in the blankets tightly as he felt bitterness and anguish flood through him.

“ _A change in the weather_.”

He wondered if Ashton was dreaming or if it was dark inside his head. Luke wondered if Ashton was scared and, as that thought crossed his mind, a sob tore through him and it was a _long_ time before he could catch his breath again.

“ _I was praying that you and me might end up together_ ,” he continued brokenly and his voice was shaking and the monitors were still beeping softly and his tiredness was almost overwhelming.

He just wanted Ashton to wake up, or he wanted to join him, because Luke hadn’t been lying when he’d found his boyfriend and he _couldn’t_ do this without him. He didn’t even **want** to.

He just wanted _Ashton_ back.

“ _It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_.”

It was brightly lit in the corridor outside but Ashton’s room was dark. The blankets stretched out on the bed felt itchy against Luke’s skin and everything felt too sterile and clean, and it was _wrong_ because Ashton didn’t smell like _him_ anymore and Luke couldn’t comfort himself by breathing Ashton in now because it felt like he didn’t _deserve_ it.

That didn’t stop him **loving** Ashton though, because he loved the curly-haired boy so much it _hurt_.

Luke thought he always _would_.

“ _But I’m holding you closer than most ‘cause you are my heaven_.”

Ashton’s hand slipped from Luke’s as the blond boy buried his face in the crook of his arm in a desperate attempt to stifle his sobs. They escaped him anyway though and they sounded almost _embarrassingly_ loud in the quiet room.

When Ashton’s good hand carded gently through Luke’s blond hair, the younger boy choked on his tears, jerking upright so fast that his neck cracked and Ashton’s hand slipped down onto his shoulder.

“You have the prettiest voice, princess.”

The words were hoarse and cracking, and Ashton’s eyes were barely open but the faint gleam of hazel Luke could see was loving despite the pain and the older boy’s hand felt warmer now as he squeezed Luke’s shoulder so, _so_ gently.

“I’ll sing forever if you want me too,” Luke whispered and a tear rolled down Ashton’s cheek as the younger boy _literally_ watched the despair whirling like a maelstrom in his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Do you take requests?” Ashton joked weakly but his expression was agonised now and the blond boy knew without a doubt that he remembered.

“Anything,” Luke promised. Ashton’s hand slipped down into his own and he held it securely, kissing the older boy’s scarred knuckles and fighting against the hot tears welling up stubbornly behind his lids.

“I’m never going to leave you alone _again_ , Ash,” Luke whispered and his voice was breaking but that was _nothing_ compared to his heart.

The older boy’s hand tightened around his infinitesimally.

“That’s good,” Ashton croaked and it sounded like speaking was _painful_ but he didn’t give up. Luke had never been more proud of him than he was in that moment because Ashton was so, _so_ fucking strong and it _hurt_ that the older boy couldn’t see it sometimes. “Because I’m not going anywhere.”

Luke tucked his face into his shoulder to hide the worst of his tears but Ashton made a small worried sound and the blond boy looked up in surprise, wiping his eyes with his sleeve and sniffing hard.

“I **love** you,” Ashton murmured as his eyes flickered shut again and he looked faintly proud when his voice didn’t shake. Luke gave Ashton a watery smile as he laid the older boy’s hand carefully on the bed and leant forwards to kiss him.

Ashton shifted closer and his face crumpled.

“ _Hurts_ ,” he mumbled, biting his lip hard, and Luke freed it gently with his finger before he hit the call button on the wall so that Kath would come back in.

“They’ll make you feel better, Ash. It’ll be okay,” Luke promised and he pressed another fleeting kiss to Ashton’s lips in the moments before the nurse returned.

She checked his vitals and took in the pain on his face, and she prepared a syringe swiftly, injecting the fluid into Ashton’s drip. She left without speaking but she gave Luke the thumbs up in the doorway and his relieved smile made his face feel like it was going to crack.

“ _Luke_ ,” Ashton rasped, his eyes a little panicked as he reached weakly for him and Luke settled back down in the chair at once, taking Ashton’s hand and stroking it gently with his thumbs as he rested his head on the older boy’s shoulder.

“As it happens,” Luke said suddenly, even as Ashton’s eyelids began to droop shut without his permission. “I love you too. More than anything.”

Ashton passed out with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!  
> I'm really sorry I made some of you cry. I feel awful about that, honestly <3


	119. Half-Hearted At Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _It made Luke's ribs ache faintly,_ reminded _him, and his vision flickered for a moment – and then Michael’s arm was a warm, comforting weight around his shoulders and his emerald eyes were anxious, and Luke wondered when things had changed so much._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually just really difficult to write and I'm trying _so_ hard not to let writer's block take over because I do _not_ want to fuck up this fic when I'm so close to finishing it!  
>  Sigh.  
> I'm unhappy with this update but hopefully this reads okay.  
> Here. Have some (hopefully not ooc) Muke.

**_'Cause I just wanna feel something real._ **

**_'Cause I just wanna feel something._ **

_\- Itch, Nothing But Thieves_

 

Ashton was starting to get restless trapped in the hospital bed but Luke thought that maybe that was actually a _good_ thing. It was probably better than lying there listlessly and staring up at the ceiling with teary eyes as he’d been doing for the _last_ few days anyway.

It hurt to see his boyfriend in that state though and Luke couldn’t wait for the moment when he could hold him close and promise that everything was going to be okay again, even if it _wasn’t_ right now, and likely wouldn’t be for quite some time yet.

“I’ve been hugged by so many people these past few days. I think I’ve lost count,” Ashton said suddenly, his tone distasteful. “It’s like everyone forgets about personal space when you’re sick or hurt or something. They just want to hug you.”

“That’ll be because they _love_ you, Ash,” Luke reprimanded softly but, in truth, he could _definitely_ see where Ashton was coming from. It was starting to bother _him_ too.

He thought maybe it was just because he wanted Ashton to himself again and that definitely _wasn’t_ fair because, right now, Ashton needed the people close to him more than he _ever_ had before.

Luke still spent most of his time sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chair beside Ashton’s bed but sometimes, when Ashton was sleeping or having his dressings changed and he didn’t want Luke to see, the blond boy roamed around the hospital, occasionally with Michael when he could persuade his uncle to bring him and sometimes just alone.

He’d had a lot of strange conversations with the people he’d seen and once he’d accidentally wandered into the maternity ward and had ended up holding a screaming baby while a new mother gave him mints and complained about her ex-boyfriend but, mostly, he just kept to himself, thinking and humming softly until his feet carried him back to Ashton’s room.

He knew the curly-haired boy would be coming back home soon but it wouldn’t be soon _enough_ now.

Ashton had already missed two of his exams and Luke had been _very_ upset when he’d been made to leave the hospital to attend his own but eventually he’d acquiesced, although he’d been so distracted with worrying about his boyfriend that he wasn’t sure how _well_ he’d done, although he _definitely_ wouldn’t be telling Ashton that part.

Luke was still mulling this over in his head when there was a low knock on Ashton’s door. The blond boy looked up and saw Grace lingering in the doorway, her face pale and tired, _drained_ almost. She looked _old_.

“How is he?” the old woman asked softly and, for the first time, Luke realised Ashton had fallen asleep while he’d been so caught up in his own head. He felt guilty.

“He’s okay,” Luke murmured, carefully setting Ashton’s limp hand down on the bed and standing up, stretching so that his joints cracked. “Bit restless I think but I guess that’s to be expected. Apparently too many people are hugging him.”

“But that’s because they _love_ him,” Grace said with a frown. Luke shrugged.

“That’s what I said,” he muttered, skirting around the bed so that Grace could sit down instead. “I’m going to go down and meet Michael,” Luke said when Grace looked lost for a moment as she hovered beside her sleeping grandson. “He just got here I think.” Luke hesitated, sucking his lip-ring into his mouth uneasily. “Will you be alright?”

“I’ll be fine, dear,” Grace sighed, patting Luke on the shoulder lightly. “I… would suggest that you _didn’t_ go into the canteen though,” she added suddenly and Luke looked up sharply. Grace’s expression was apologetic. “My fool of a husband is down there with Lauren and Harry so you may want to… uh… avoid that _particular_ area for the moment.”

“Good call,” Luke mumbled and another sigh escaped him as he rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. “Thanks for the heads up. I… I’ll be back in an hour or something, I don’t know.”

Grace nodded to show that she was listening.

“I’ll look after him for you,” she said before Luke could ask and, smiling a bit sheepishly, the blond boy left, walking the now-familiar route to the front entrance.

Michael was waiting for Luke in one of the uncomfortable chairs, slumped down in a large Simple Plan hoody and skinny jeans as he looked at something on his phone. He put it away when Luke dropped down beside him though and the blue-haired boy only had to _glance_ at Luke’s face to know that something was wrong.

“What’s happened, Huke?” Michael asked cautiously and Luke’s elbow to his ribs was half-hearted at best.

“Nothing’s _happened_ , blue,” Luke retorted but his lips twitched faintly at their stupid nicknames for each other and Michael relaxed a bit, seemingly thinking that over in silence.

“Okay, so… so what’s _wrong_ then?” Michael asked quietly and Luke sniffed hard, putting his feet on the plastic chair and pulling his knees tightly to his chest so that he could wrap both arms around them.

It made Luke's ribs ache faintly, _reminded_ him, and his vision flickered for a moment – and then Michael’s arm was a warm, comforting weight around his shoulders and his emerald eyes were anxious, and Luke wondered when things had changed so much.

“I’m just… _angry_ ,” Luke breathed, his face pale as he watched Michael cautiously. “And I don’t know why.”

Luke waited for Michael to push him away and stride off in disgust but the moment never came.

“That makes sense I suppose,” Michael said mildly and Luke relaxed back against him, letting his head fall onto the blue-haired boy’s shoulder as he bit his lip to keep his emotions under check.

“ _Why_?” Luke breathed and Michael gave a light shrug, the movement shaking Luke a little.

“Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it?” the older boy said fairly. “The guy you’re in love with nearly _died_ and… and if it hadn’t been for the poor guy’s _mum_ dying then… then he wouldn’t even be _in_ this horrible situation and… and you’re worrying about – about **Cal** and –”

Michael broke off, glaring at the wall opposite them as he blinked back what he would no doubt deny were tears.

“Mike –” Luke began but Michael just shook his head determinedly, _pleadingly_.

“Don’t,” the older boy said but his eyes were fixed on Luke now and the blond boy could tell that he was trying to distract himself. “You still look all hollow,” Michael said suddenly, his brow creasing a little, and Luke looked away as his cheeks heated. “What else has upset you?”

“I don’t –” Luke tried to lie but there was no point. It would do no good and his emotions must have been pretty obvious on his face because Michael looked even _more_ apprehensive now. “Yesterday was sad. That’s all,” Luke said at last, opting at the last moment not to mention what he’d heard about Calum’s parents.

Michael’s grip tightened fractionally, like he knew Luke was keeping something from him.

“What happened?” the blue-haired boy asked quietly and Luke’s eyes welled up with tears before he could stop himself because yesterday _had_ been awful and it had resulted in Ashton having a panic attack for the first time in _weeks_.

“You… you know Ash has… has _scars_?” Luke half-whispered but he still choked on the last word. Michael hugged him tighter, nodding wordlessly. Luke bit his lip.

“He has a… a drip at the moment and… and obviously that means his arm is uncovered and…” Luke’s breath caught and he buried his face in his knees. “Grace turned up yesterday and – and she _saw_ his scars and –”

“What happened?” Michael whispered and Luke gave a jerky shrug.

“They both started _crying_ and…” He looked up, wiping his eyes hard with his sleeves as his breath did his best to choke him. “It… it was just _sad_ … and I… I’m _sick_ of this. I just want everything to be _okay_ again.”

Michael’s eyes were suspiciously wet too and Luke couldn’t even find it in himself to be _embarrassed_ that he’d opened up because he could see in the blue-haired boy’s face that he felt the same way.

“Everything _will_ be okay, Luke,” Michael promised and Luke thought maybe he would have felt a lot better if it hadn’t sounded like Michael was trying to convince _himself_ too. “You just have to give it time.”

“But we’re running _out_ of time,” Luke breathed and his voice broke as his heart ached in his chest and, suddenly, they weren’t just talking about Ashton now but _Calum_ too, and it made the tears sting hotter in Luke’s ocean-blue eyes.

“What if we don’t have enough time _left_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought.  
> 


	120. Clean Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke regarded Aleisha with shock evident on his face, unused to seeing her looking like that, and her clever eyes flickered down to Michael’s hand on his hip before they narrowed slightly._  
>  _“Oh dear,” she said calmly, taking a long drag of her cigarette. “Are you cheating on Ashton?”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god... I'm not going to lie - I got ridiculously emotional writing the ending of this so please don't judge me wow :P  
> Enjoy!

**_Yeah I’ve let you use me,_ **

**_From the day that we first met,_ **

**_But I’m not done yet,_ **

**_Falling for your,_ **

**_Fool’s gold._ **

_\- Fool’s Gold, One Direction_

 

Sharon showed up when Luke and Michael had been sitting together for almost twenty minutes. She was wrapped in a star-patterned navy-blue shawl but her hair had been scraped back into a ponytail and there were a pair of black-framed glasses that looked vaguely familiar sliding down her pointed nose.

“Are… are those _Ash’s_ glasses?” Luke asked weakly when she came to a stop in front of them. Her wrists were bare of bangles for once and it made her look _smaller_ somehow.

Sharon waved her hand so dismissively that she nearly took Michael’s eye out.

“Observant, Lucas,” she said, pushing them back up her nose and squinting like they were hurting her eyes. “I’ve been meaning to bring them to Curly since I found them yesterday morning when I was looking through the drawers in your bedroom.”

Luke choked and Michael sniggered, seemingly before he could stop himself, and Sharon rolled her eyes.

“I’ve seen lube and condoms before, Lucas. You _don’t_ need to look so embarrassed.”

Luke’s cheeks were hot enough that you could probably fry eggs on them now and Michael looked torn, like he wasn’t sure whether he should feel nauseous or like all of his birthdays had come at once.

“It’s not like I don’t hear you _calling_ each other things anyway, so you really needn’t look so shocked,” Sharon said with a shrug. Luke dropped his head into his hands and Michael literally looked like he was on the point of cackling.

“What do they call each other?!” the blue-haired boy asked urgently, his voice a bit distorted because he was trying not to laugh so much. “It is, like, _vital_ that you tell me, right this instant!”

Sharon had barely opened her mouth to reply, her eyes twinkling, when Luke panicked.

“ _Please don’t_!” he gasped and Sharon was smiling now and Michael’s eyes were gleaming, and Luke was redder than a _fire engine_ by this point. “Just…” He inhaled shakily and rested his cool hand on his burning cheek. “Just… just go and get a coffee or something, please? And… and let’s never talk about this again? Ever?”

“I _refuse_ to drink your ghastly coffee, Lucas,” Sharon said in a lofty tone but she looked amused, even as a touch of unease coloured her expression. “You’re a lot more cheerful than I expected actually.”

“What is it?” Luke asked warily and Sharon shifted uncomfortably in her suede pumps as she stood in the busy reception area.

“I was talking to Grace earlier on the phone and she told me that she’d got the results for Anne’s post-mortem back. She… she didn’t mention it?”

“Surprisingly not,” Luke said but there was something a bit cold in his voice now because, if Ashton heard this, it was _surely_ going to set him back even further… and yet, it wasn’t like they could _keep_ this from him.

They lost either way.

“Oh, well I don’t see what harm it would do to tell you,” Sharon said although she didn’t sound sure. “They say she broke her neck when she fell down the stairs.”

Luke flinched because he’d _seen_ ; he’d smelt it on the air and been sick for so long once they reached the hospital that he could barely _breathe_ properly.

A shudder ran through him and it was only Michael’s arm heavy on his shoulders that kept the memories at bay.

“There was a lot of alcohol in her system too apparently,” Sharon said and Luke’s tone was bitter when he spoke next.

“Of _course_ there was.”

Sharon sighed softly. “Don’t judge people, Lucas,” she said reprovingly, her tone sad. “Not before you know their stories.”

Michael looked conflicted but Luke’s eyes were burning with tears and _anger_ when he looked up at his aunt.

“She hurt Ash. She made him unhappy,” Luke said and there was something icy lodged in his chest now that kind of hurt to breathe around. “That’s everything I _need_ to know.”

Michael squeezed Luke’s hand comfortingly and Sharon’s shoulders slumped, like she agreed with her nephew even though she _didn’t_ necessarily want to.

“Okay, well… well I’m going to get some tea now so… did either of you two want to –”

“No,” Luke sighed and Sharon looked like she’d expected as much. “I’ll see you later though, okay? I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Sharon said dismissively and she pulled Luke into an unexpected hug. He flinched at first, just because, but when she kissed him on the forehead before sweeping off towards the canteen with her shawl trailing out behind her, he felt a weak smile tugging at his lips.

“You didn’t want to go with her?” Michael frowned, looking a little bit concerned, and Luke shrugged, snuggling back into the warmth of Michael’s side as subtly as he could. It was cold in reception with the automatic doors constantly opening and closing as people walked in off the streets, and the air conditioning was _freezing_.

“No,” Luke mumbled, biting his lip. “George is in the canteen apparently and, y’know, I could do without _that_ particular confrontation right now…”

Michael’s lip curled but he held Luke closer to his side, the movement protective almost, like something _Ashton_ would do if he wasn’t stuck in a hospital bed.

“I don’t blame you at all,” Michael promised but he looked panicky when he saw that Luke’s eyes were filled with tears again. “Let’s go out and get some air. It’s probably warmer out there than it is in this damn freezer,” Michael said but he sounded like he was babbling now so maybe Luke had put him on edge with all of his _emotions_ more than he’d first realised.

The sun was shining but the day felt cool and crisp, and the sound of passing cars did little to calm Luke’s ragged nerves.

There were a handful of people smoking outside the hospital, spread out around the courtyard or wandering idly between the flowerbeds as they finished their cigarettes.

When Luke looked immediately to his left and saw a _very_ familiar face staring at him, he caught his foot on a paving stone and it was only Michael’s arm around his waist that kept him upright.

“ _Aleisha_?” Luke gasped and Michael followed his gaze, his emerald eyes widening.

Aleisha stared at Luke in shock for a moment before her brow creased infinitesimally and her lips pursed around her cigarette.

“Hey, platonic friend and his angry-looking buddy,” she said at last and Michael frowned disapprovingly at her, apparently unsure how to act now that no one was really _fighting_ anymore.

“Hey,” Luke said after a moment, his voice a little _too_ high in his shock because he just hadn’t been expecting to _see_ Aleisha smoking here with messy hair and tired eyes, dressed in an oversized jumper over leggings that had seen better days. She was wearing mismatched Vans.

It looked like she’d got dressed in a hurry.

Luke regarded Aleisha with shock evident on his face, unused to seeing her looking like that, and her clever eyes flickered down to Michael’s hand on his hip before they narrowed slightly.

“Oh dear,” she said calmly, taking a long drag of her cigarette. “Are you cheating on Ashton?”

Luke’s throat closed up and his eyes burnt with tears, and Michael fired up immediately, his cheeks flushing and his hair twisting in the breeze like blue flames.

“We’re actually _not_ , **no**!” Michael said sharply, the anger clear in his tone. “Because Ashton is upstairs in a hospital bed _right now_ because he nearly bled to fucking _death_ a few days ago when his _mum_ died – so I think you’ll excuse me if I want to put my fucking arm around one of my _best friends_!”

Michael ended up shouting and several smokers nearby looked up warily but Luke just wanted the ground to swallow him whole. He hated the sudden _sympathy_ on Aleisha’s face, even if it _wasn’t_ completely directed at him, but he thought maybe the guilt in her eyes was worse (although Michael calling Luke one of his best friends _did_ make him feel a _tiny_ bit better).

“I’m sorry,” Aleisha said after a long moment of silence, her voice strained. She’d gone very pale. “I… I’m just stressed. My… my dad got taken in last night and I’m scared but – but I had _no_ right to say that. I… I’m so sorry.”

Michael looked appeased but Luke still had difficulty swallowing past the lump in his throat. He dropped down shakily onto a low stone wall nearby and dropped his head into his hands, letting his limp blond hair fall forwards to hide his eyes.

Aleisha and Michael watched him in worried silence.

“Is… is Ash going to be okay?” Aleisha breathed, sitting down near the blond boy hesitantly. Luke looked up in surprise when he realised that she’d never called Ashton that before but he still nodded cautiously.

“Yeah,” Luke said softly, his quiet words almost _lost_ as a lorry trundled past loudly. “Thought I was going to lose him though.”

Luke could feel the colour draining from his face and they were _both_ watching him fearfully now. Luke felt a bit guilty when he realised that he hadn’t even properly _told_ Michael what had happened yet.

" _How_?” Aleisha whispered and Luke sniffed hard, drying his eyes fiercely with his sleeve and talking to the ground because that meant he could speak without his voice breaking.

“He… he called me and he said he was outside his old house and…” Luke cringed a bit when the memories rushed back, when he remembered how _desperate_ Ashton had sounded, and then how _dead_ … “And then he was silent for so _long_ and… and he was sick and… and then he said he was _dying_ and… and I had to hang up on him to call an ambulance and I couldn’t remember his address at first and I thought I’d taken too long and… and I _found_ him and he’d nicked the artery in his leg and he was bleeding out and I thought he was going to **_die_** and – and –”

“ _Breathe_ , Luke,” Michael said sharply, crouching down in front of him, and Luke jerked his head up, his eyes shining with tears. Aleisha’s hand had flown up to cover her mouth and her eyes were teary. Michael looked pale.

“Just _breathe_ ,” the older boy whispered, his emerald eyes surprisingly calming. Luke slumped forwards with a broken sob, his forehead falling onto Michael’s shoulder. The older boy froze for a moment before his arms wrapped hesitantly around Luke but that only made the younger boy cry _harder_.

“Oh shit,” Michael blurted, apparently _very_ out of his depth now. “I – uh – McDonald, fuck, _please_ help –” the blue-haired boy pleaded when Luke let out another sob, even as the humiliation and shame coursed through him.

“Oh, move over,” Aleisha said scathingly but there was something sadder and more vulnerable buried beneath the scorn.

When her arm wrapped hesitantly around Luke’s shoulders, he stiffened a bit but didn’t pull away. Even if the scent of her perfume lingering on her clothes _did_ bring back unpleasant memories, it was something familiar and, right now, maybe that was all he could hope for.

“I… um… Luke, uh…”

“Go and look round the shop or something, blue. It’s okay,” Luke muttered to Michael, wiping his eyes a little more gently this time, even as his cheeks flushed because it felt _awkward_ to have Aleisha’s arm wrapped around him now and he just wanted to be back with Ashton.

Michael bit his lip but he gave Luke the lightest punch on the shoulder _ever_ – “ _Boys_ ,” Aleisha muttered despairingly – and disappeared into the building, his face splotchy with embarrassment and his bottom lip held between his teeth as he worried.

“You feeling a bit better, blondie?” Aleisha asked softly and Luke snorted, giving a watery laugh as he dried his cheeks with his sleeve and tried to catch his breath.

“I forgot you used to call me that,” he muttered and Aleisha rolled her eyes but didn’t comment. Luke sighed. “Yeah. Sorry about that,” he mumbled, his cheeks heating with humiliation. “Think I needed to get that out of my system.”

“Everyone needs to cry _sometimes_ , Luke,” Aleisha said in a much gentler voice and the blond boy shrugged uncomfortably, looking down at the ground and feeling slightly _relieved_ when her arm fell from around his shoulders.

Aleisha sighed, hesitating for a moment before she dropped her cigarette on the ground and stamped it out beneath her shoe. Luke had always hated smoking and his mumbled thanks made her smile sadly as she knocked his shoulder lightly with her own.

“It’s okay. I should probably stop smoking myself to death anyway,” she said in a purposefully casual tone. Luke’s bottom lip wobbled and he bit down on it hard enough that he could faintly taste _blood_.

“Probably for the best,” he muttered and they _both_ sighed, the sound soft and sibilant in the quiet morning. Aleisha’s lips twitched faintly.

“So how’s life at your aunt’s treating you?” she asked quietly and Luke picked at a loose thread on his jumper, suddenly feeling teary again.

“Apart from the crazy cat, it’s actually quite _nice_ ,” he admitted and Aleisha looked relieved.

“And… and your aunt’s good to you?” she said hesitantly and Luke nodded, his cheeks colouring again. He tried not to comprehend her words, tried to ignore the phantom twinge of pain in his ribs as he _remembered_.

“So it’s a lot better than before then,” Aleisha said but it didn’t sound like a question. Luke nodded again anyway though.

As long as Ashton was there, _anything_ would be better.

“What happened with your dad, Leish?” Luke asked after a stretch of surprisingly comfortable silence. The younger girl shifted uncomfortably, focusing on her nails instead of Luke’s heavy gaze resting on her.

“Just some problem with an ulcer or something – I’m not really sure,” Aleisha sighed, running a hand through her long sandy hair and letting it flutter down to hide her face. “The doctors don’t seem too worried though so it should be okay.”

“Well I hope he’ll be better soon,” Luke murmured and Aleisha bit her lip, turning to face him, and Luke couldn’t help but think that she looked _different_ without a face full of makeup. _Smaller_ almost. More _vulnerable_.

“Thank you,” she said in a small voice and her bright eyes were shining with tears. “I hope Ash will get well soon too… and I’m _really_ sorry about his mum.”

“Thank you,” Luke breathed but it sort of felt like he was thanking her for a lot _more_ than just her wishing his boyfriend well.

Aleisha and Luke rose at the same time by some unspoken signal, and her lips twitched weakly into the faintest smile Luke had ever _seen_.

“At least I’m not crying today,” Luke blurted stupidly and Aleisha laughed her ridiculous tinkling giggle, and Luke thought that she didn’t seem so _lost_ anymore.

Maybe there was hope for her too.

“That’s always a good thing,” she grinned and the sun was shining down and making her flaxen hair look like spun gold, and anyone else would be _so_ lucky to have her.

“I’ll see you around, Luke, or not,” Aleisha said and it didn’t feel awkward anymore.

“Bye,” Luke said but his voice came out sounding a bit strangled because his heart felt like it was swelling a bit now and it was kind of _crushing_ him and he thought that, sure, maybe he _did_ love Aleisha, but it wasn’t in the right way for _either_ of them because he loved her like a _sister_ almost.

He’d still do anything for her if he thought it would help her, probably.

Maybe it was a _good_ thing they didn’t see each other again.

It was like a fresh start – or a clean break for _both_ of them.

It was exactly what they needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, I'm going to miss writing Aleisha...  
> But I thought I'd just take this opportunity to say an enormous **THANK YOU** to you guys for reading so far, and I hope you'll continue to enjoy this fic!  
>  Please let me know what you thought :) <3


	121. Unmistakeable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He could feel the guilt now, burning hot and painful inside him,_ smouldering _almost, like brimstone, like it was cauterising a wound that would never heal now._  
>  _Ashton wondered how long he could survive the_ pain _of it._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just really sad and I'm sorry about that. I'm not feeling so great and I'm taking it out on my characters (and, by extension, you guys) so I'm really sorry.  
> This was meant to be fluff. Oops.

**_I was made to keep your body warm,_ **

**_But I'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms._ **

_\- Kiss Me, Ed Sheeran_

 

Ashton never felt warm anymore.

The first thing he’d done when he’d woken up was to try and comfort Luke because that was better than actually _thinking_ about what had happened. It was _easier_ because, when he was focusing on taking care of Luke instead of remembering what had happened to his mum, he didn’t feel like he was going so _crazy_ anymore.

The drip had finally been taken out of his arm, and he’d been given crutches after his surgery and had been told not to put any weight on his bad leg. It was painful to use the crutches though because they kept the stitched cut on his palm from healing, kept drawing blood and tearing the stitches open until the mess he'd made of his hand _almost_ resembled the mess he could feel inside his head.

Ashton found it easier to lean on Luke instead, to keep his arm wrapped firmly around his boyfriend’s waist as Luke helped him limp around the corridors when Kath all but _insisted_ that the curly-haired boy got out of bed.

It kept him from _thinking_ too much though, he supposed.

Sometimes he still got dizzy when he sat up too fast after a nightmare of something – and they were unfortunately common now; almost every _night_ in fact – but they’d taken the butterfly tape off his forehead now because apparently the cut was healing.

It still _hurt_ , although admittedly nowhere near as badly as the stitched-up wound on his thigh did, even despite the drugs, but Ashton didn’t much like taking too many of those anyway. He didn’t like something that could mess with his head like that, in the same way that alcohol could.

It reminded him too much of _Anne_ and –

And then the guilt and the shame overwhelmed him again, just like they _always_ did, and he felt sick with himself, although he thought that maybe the _relief_ was the very worst.

He tried to tell himself that it was just because Harry and Lauren didn’t deserve to have a mum like Anne, and now they wouldn’t have the worry and the uncertainty and the _fear_ hanging over them, but he knew it was much more than that, because he remembered the night he and Luke had stumbled upon her in the alley, when she’d clawed his cheek and fucking  _spat_ on him because she was so drunk that she thought he was the man she’d used to love.

It was fucked up – there was no other way to look at it – and Ashton felt _icy_ when he realised that there was no grief for Anne buried anywhere inside him.

He could feel the guilt now, burning hot and painful inside him, _smouldering_ almost, like brimstone, like it was cauterising a wound that would never heal now.

Ashton wondered how long he could survive the _pain_ of it.

It had been eating away at him for _days_ now.

It had been worse when his nan had seen the scars and cuts littering his wrists. She’d cried over him and he’d had a panic attack, like his loved ones needed something _else_ to terrify them, and when Ashton had been able to regain control of his breathing some twenty minutes later, he’d felt _empty_ , like all of the life had escaped from his hollow lungs.

He’d felt it clawing at his heart when Calum called him to see how he was doing that morning.

He’d been almost _sick_ with it when Michael had left after lunch after confessing that he hadn’t _just_ moved in with his uncle because of a disagreement with his parents, but _also_ because he couldn’t stand to live near **Calum** anymore when things were the way they were.

When Sharon had turned up in another useless attempt to persuade Luke to come home and spend a night in his own bed for once, Ashton had tried to keep the guilt and the self-loathing off his face but he knew he couldn’t have done a very good job because Luke had looked quite frankly _alarmed_ , even as he’d told Sharon no and dropped back down into the chair beside the older boy’s bed again.

Sharon had left soon after that and, although Ashton had been starting to worry that she was upset with him or something, she stopped by the bed like she could tell what he was thinking and stroked his curls away from his forehead gently, careful to avoid the cut there.

“I’ll see _you_ at home soon, curly,” she said before she turned away, gave Luke’s shoulder a comforting squeeze, and disappeared out of the door with a downhearted expression on her tired face.

“How’d you feel, Ashy?” Luke asked softly, shutting the door to Ashton’s room and returning to his chair again. He dropped down onto it and took Ashton’s bad hand carefully, brushing his lips lightly across the back of it. “ _Cold_ ,” Luke frowned and Ashton saw his face crease through the gloom.

“Exhausted,” Ashton replied, staring up at the ceiling as the desolation he could feel inside _choked_ him. “But I don’t want to sleep,” the older boy added when Luke looked concerned. “I’m not that sort of tired.”

Luke looked upset at the _deadness_ he could hear resonating in Ashton’s voice but the curly-haired boy just shut his eyes, clenching and unclenching his good hand as the knot tightened like iron around his battered heart.

Luke took his good hand, carefully laced his fingers through Ashton’s so that the older boy couldn’t clench his fist without hurting Luke now, and Ashton opened his hazel eyes to look at Luke in the dark but it was too hard to see in the dimly-lit room, _especially_ when he wasn’t wearing his glasses.

He’d rather it was dark though because he couldn’t _stand_ having the room lit. Light meant that he could see the jagged cut on his palm – even uglier than the scar he already had on his finger from cleaning up broken glass after Anne once – and the fact that Ashton flinched every single time he even laid _eyes_ on the cut made him feel **weak**.

He couldn’t _stand_ it.

“Ash,” Luke said and his tone was almost… _frightened_. “Can I climb up and sit with you?”

Ashton blinked, raising his head a little to squint at Luke. “I… I don’t think we’re both gonna fit,” he said weakly but Luke just shrugged.

“Of course we will,” he said persistently, his tone dismissive, and he carefully climbed up and settled down beneath the blankets too so that he was facing Ashton. The older boy relaxed instinctively, feeling a tiny bit safer and less helpless when he could tuck his head under Luke’s chin and hide from the world.

“Told you we’d fit,” Luke said and Ashton rolled his eyes, even as they burnt with tears.

“That was a Star Trek quote, you dork,” Ashton muttered in as scathing a tone as he could manage but it was quite far from the mark. The **love** in his voice was unmistakeable.

“Yes, but I’m _your_ dork,” Luke countered but his smile was fading a little bit because a tear had just rolled down Ashton’s cheek. Luke brushed it away gently with the pad of his thumb.

“Please tell me what you’re thinking, Ash,” the blond boy breathed and his ocean-blue eyes were _lost_. “I want to help you.”

“You can’t,” Ashton breathed and he tried to write off the fact that there were tears in his eyes, tried to convince himself that it was just because his hair was too long and he didn’t have a bandana to hold his curls back, but he knew that wasn’t the truth. “ _No one_ can.”

Luke looked upset when Ashton glanced up at him so the older boy kept his face angled down, pretending that he _hadn’t_ caused that pain he could see on his boyfriend’s face.

“You can’t _make_ me grieve… not when I don’t even feel _sad_ anymore,” Ashton breathed out and Luke’s quiet intake of breath was far too loud in the silence that followed that statement.

After a moment, Luke’s hands threaded gently through Ashton’s curls and, although it was an undeniably gentle movement, Ashton knew it was only to get him to look up. He did as Luke wanted though – there was no point in denying him that.

“You shouldn’t… you shouldn’t feel _guilty_ for not mourning, Ash,” the blond boy whispered, his face so close to Ashton’s now that the older boy had rested his head on the pillow again, Luke’s ocean-blue eyes sparkling with unshed tears like _stars_ almost. “It… it could just be… y’know… _shock_ that… that’s making you feel this way.”

Luke’s voice only wobbled at the end but Ashton could hear the raw _hurt_ buried in Luke’s voice and it was _painful_ to listen to.

“I don’t think so somehow,” Ashton muttered and his eyes were downcast now because the shame was coursing through him, racing through his veins in time with his pounding heart.

“I… I think you grieve for someone when… when you _lose_ them… y’know… properly… when they’re not there anymore,” Ashton said after a moment, his voice choked with _something_ as he closed his eyes for a moment. “When you… when you can’t talk to them or _rely_ on them or… or tell them you _love_ them anymore…”

“That sounds about right,” Luke said but his words twisted with bitterness and Ashton knew it was because nothing had even been more **wrong**. “But… but where are you going with this?”

“I…” Ashton opened his eyes and they were brimming with tears now, and he _hated_ **feeling** so much all the time. “It feels like I lost mum _years_ ago so… so maybe _that’s_ why I… I don’t…”

“ _Shhh_ , it’s okay, Ash. _Shhh_ ,” Luke said thickly, sniffing hard as he wrapped a protective arm gently around Ashton’s shoulders and kissed the top of the older boy's head. Ashton’s cheeks flamed when he realised that he was crying. Really, _properly_ crying.

Ashton couldn’t _help_ it though because what he’d said was **true** – he could feel it resonating deep within his bones – and he wondered if he’d ever _really_ known his mother at all.

“It’s _not_ okay,” Ashton gasped out but his words were almost incomprehensible now and he could feel his chest getting tight again, cringed at the stabbing pains he could feel when he tried to draw in a deep breath, even as Luke’s small hands dropped down to rub his back comfortingly in a desperate attempt to calm his boyfriend down.

Ashton didn’t want Luke to try and help him now though. He wanted to look after _Luke_ instead because at least that was a distraction. That was something he could hold onto.

“Please turn over.”

The words were shaky but Luke did as he was asked, frowning all the same because he must have wondered what Ashton was _doing_. The older boy couldn’t really blame him though. He was thinking the same thing.

“Ash? Luke asked uncertainly, his voice small now that he didn’t know what was going on anymore, and the older boy felt his heart swelling in his chest because, even after everything that had happened to him, Luke still trusted him.

“You –” Ashton broke off, inhaling shakily, and his voice was a little steadier when he spoke next, even if the tears _didn’t_ dry on his cheeks. “You’ve been really brave.”

“ _Me_?” Luke scoffed but he sniffed hard anyway, wiping his eyes with his sleeves as he curled up in front of Ashton, careful to steer clear of the older boy’s thigh when Ashton pressed up behind Luke, wrapping his arm gently around the blond boy’s stomach in a hug.

“You hate hospitals but you stayed this whole time,” Ashton breathed but there was something almost _awestruck_ in his tone and Luke gave the smallest shrug, burying his face in the pillows so that Ashton wouldn’t see his tears.

“I… I _c-couldn’t_ leave you,” Luke said but his voice cracked and the tears were flowing freely now. “Not again.”

The pain and guilt in Luke’s voice made Ashton’s _heart_ hurt.

“But you _didn’t_ leave me,” Ashton disagreed weakly, only now beginning to realise what Calum had meant on the phone when he had said that Luke _kept_ apologising. “You were there when I needed you most.”

The older boy hesitated, biting his lip and ducking his head to press a kiss to the soft, warm skin of Luke’s broad shoulder where the stretched-out neck of his t-shirt had slipped aside.

“I need you now,” Ashton admitted in a whisper and it felt _terrifying_ to say the words out loud like that, to admit that he couldn’t carry on without Luke anymore. It made him feel _scarily_ vulnerable but there was no hatred at the feeling where Luke was concerned. Only acceptance and a touch of what _might_ have been dread, because Luke was free to walk away at any time now and, although Ashton would never _ever_ stop him, the reality of that still made his heart race nervously in his chest.

“I’ll _always_ need you.”

Ashton had been thinking those words but they didn’t come out of his mouth and, when he felt the heat of Luke’s cheeks as the blond boy twisted around to look at him, he knew Luke could see the truth of those words echoed in his eyes.

Somehow, it didn’t even need to be said out loud. Luke already _knew_.

“I love you, Lukey,” Ashton said instead, because he wanted to say _something_ , because he’d made a vow to tell Luke that more now, in case he didn’t get the chance again.

Luke’s beautiful eyes welled with tears but he blinked them back as he stretched up to kiss Ashton softly, his lip-ring catching in the corner of Ashton’s mouth, a familiar sensation in a strange, dark world that seemed to be constantly changing, so fast that nothing made _sense_ anymore.

It felt like Ashton was losing his grip on reality but Luke was there, a point of light in the darkness, anchoring him but still keeping him afloat when the waves of doubt threatened to crash down and destroy everything, and Ashton knew that Luke loved him too, knew it like he knew which planks to avoid when you walked down the pier, knew it like he knew changing a tyre and _drumming_.

He knew it and he _believed_ it, and he wanted it to make him better – _waited_ for it even – but the deadness inside him didn’t fade away, and the hollow in his chest that filled with love when he was with Luke felt like his lungs were filling with _water_ sometimes, and Luke’s love was no good when it was his ocean-blue eyes that were drowning Ashton too.

Ashton tried to lose himself in the comforting smell of Luke as they lay there, tried to pinpoint what exactly it was that Luke’s familiar scent reminded him of – lemons, petrichor, sea-spray, honey – but he could feel the cold settling in his bones again and it hurt to breathe in, hurt to have survived when his mother hadn’t, hurt to have someone as wonderful and pure as **Luke** _loving_ him.

Everything hurt nowadays.

“I’m so _cold_ ,” Ashton half-sobbed and Luke’s arms tightened warmly around him in response, tight but not tight enough to hold the older boy together when everything inside of him was still falling apart.

When Luke leant forwards to kiss him properly, Ashton had kind of been expecting it but he still made a small noise of surprise when he felt Luke’s tears on his cheeks.

Ashton hoped what he’d been thinking hadn’t shown on his face because for Luke to see that – for him to misunderstand and think that he’d done something wrong or wasn’t _enough_ or something equally unthinkable – would have been too much.

Luke’s lips were warm against Ashton’s, his tongue hot as he dragged it lightly against the older boy’s, and his breath was familiar and comforting, but _laboured_ almost, like he was still trying his hardest not to cry, and if Luke was trying to breathe the life back into him then it wasn’t working because Ashton’s heart was shrivelling up and dying in his chest, even as it throbbed weakly with the sheer _love_ he felt for Luke forcing its way through the abject _anguish_ he could feel settling over him.

Ashton gasped when Luke’s weight settled against his injured thigh and, although it kind of _really_ hurt, Luke could tear Ashton’s stitches open for all the older boy cared because Luke was what mattered most – he would _always_ matter most – and, despite everything, kissing him was _still_ easier than breathing, even though it shouldn’t feel that way.

Even though they’d come too far to go back now.

“I’ll _always_ love you,” Ashton gasped out when they parted to _breathe_ again.

He’d love Luke for the rest of his life, even if that _didn’t_ turn out to be that much longer now, because Ashton could feel the guilt and the shame and the self-hatred in his heart coalescing into something darker and _lethal_ , and it made the depression he’d been feeling every day for _years_ feel like **nothing** , and he wasn’t sure he was going to survive it this time.

“I’ve got you,” Luke whispered, his arms tightening around Ashton even more, like he _did_ know what the older boy was thinking after all. “And I love you so, _so_ much. I **love** you.”

And Ashton might feel like everything was being torn away from him, might feel like he was one second away from being _crushed_ beneath the weight of his failures, but he _did_ have the blond boy beside him and, with Luke there, Ashton thought that he could survive this.

 _Probably_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't write anything happy at the moment so heads up for that I guess...  
> Uh... yeah... let me know what you thought if you like - thank you for reading <3


	122. Come Hell Or High Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _For the first time in his life, Ashton could feel the courage unfurling inside him but it wasn’t the_ good _kind. It was dark and twisted, burning at his heart until it was a charred, shadowy wreck that had once been whole._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS SO FUCKING ANGSTY AND I'M SO SORRY!!!!!!  
> (This took me DAYS to write and idek why!)

_**It's alright to die,** _

_**'Cause death's the only thing you haven't tried,** _

_**But just for tonight,** _

_**Hold on.** _

_\- Even My Dad Does Sometimes, Ed Sheeran_

 

Somehow, everything felt  _worse_ when Ashton came home.

Luke had to leave him alone a lot more because he had so many exams that week but Ashton wasn’t thinking about his own. He knew Sharon had contacted the school and they were in the process of arranging it so that he could sit his in a special centre somewhere in a few months’ time but it wasn’t that he had no motivation to complete them anymore, because feeling a lack of emotion would still have been  _something_.

He just felt  _nothing_ instead, slowly crushing him, as deadly as a shard of glass nicking an artery, as lethal as his lifeblood flowing out onto the dry ground around him as he stared up at the sky through glassy eyes.

It felt like he was looking at _everything_ through glass now.

Everything was distorted and  _wrong_ , separate almost, like there was a chasm between him and the rest of the world, and it was getting wider with every passing moment,  _impossible_ to bridge.

Sometimes, late at night or when his thoughts caught him unawares, he felt like he was standing on the very edge,  _teetering_ almost, like he was about to plummet but he didn’t  _quite_ have the courage to launch himself into oblivion.

For the first time in his life, Ashton could feel the courage unfurling inside him but it wasn’t the _good_ kind. It was dark and twisted, burning at his heart until it was a charred, shadowy wreck that had once been whole.

The day they got back from the hospital, Ashton locked himself in the bathroom, and the despair he felt was akin to the day in the cubicle at school when he heard Calum and Michael tearing themselves apart.

Ashton cried until he _couldn’t_ anymore, until he’d made up for not crying for over a decade. It felt like he was _drowning_ in his tears when his breath caught in his throat, even though his cheeks were dry now. Even though there were no tears left to fall.

When Ashton left the bathroom a few hours later, he felt lighter, like the tears had been weighing him down before, but he felt _empty_ without them. _Hollow_.

 **Dead**.

He felt like maybe an icy hand really _had_ squeezed all of the life out of him that day when he’d almost died, like a part of him had perished as he lay on the paving stones in his old front garden beneath the vast, blue sky.

He thought maybe he’d lost a piece of himself, only he hadn’t realised until now.

When Ashton limped out of the bathroom and stumbled down the hallway into the room he shared with Luke, he saw Sharon’s anxious face as she lingered in the doorway of the living room but she didn’t speak.

Ashton looked at her blankly as he passed and her expression tightened until it looked flinty again, the same as it had been the evening when she’d learnt what had happened to the curly-haired boy outside of the nightclub, when a part of him had been ripped away.

Shelly wound around Ashton’s ankles as he walked and the cat’s fur made him sneeze. Ashton was pleased though because it meant that he could write off the redness in his eyes as _allergies_ and not hopelessness and a wish for everything to end.

He felt like that for _days_ – and every single one was worse than the last – and, by Friday evening, the darkness in Ashton’s heart was too much to cope with anymore.

He felt the _death_ inside him rattling every time he drew breath and his heart felt frozen, like it had forgotten how to beat.

It was thirty seven minutes past eleven when Ashton gave up.

Luke was lying curled up beside him, the smooth skin of his back warm against Ashton’s cold arm, the duvet bunched up around him as the younger boy curled up beneath it like a kitten.

Luke deserved so much better than him.

Ashton felt a tear roll down his cheek in the pitch-black of the room. The only light in the room came from the faintly lit numbers on the clock, the blood-red sinister in the darkness.

Ashton rolled over and reached blindly for his bag, searching through the pocket for the folded envelope inside. He tore it open with shaking hands, no longer worried about preserving it because he wouldn’t _need_ it anymore if this went to plan, and when the blade tumbled out onto his outstretched palm, he clenched his hand into a fist to feel the bite of the metal.

He didn’t need light to know that there was blood welling up around the stitches in his hand now.

Luke stirred at the older boy’s sharp intake of breath, making a soft snuffling noise that almost managed to sound _hurt_ when he shifted and couldn’t find Ashton in the sheets, and the curly-haired boy stroked Luke’s flat blond hair gently with his good hand, trying to ignore the pangs in his chest as he calmed his boyfriend.

Luke settled down at Ashton’s touch and the older boy wouldn’t have been able to see even if the lights _had_ been on now because his eyes were glassy with tears and despair again. Even the numbers on the clock were blurry now, just a blood-red smudge in the inky blackness of their bedroom.

“You _can_ do this without me,” Ashton promised Luke, like he was trying to convince _himself_ almost, and his heart jolted in his chest when Luke blinked his eyes open sleepily, his eyelashes fluttering against Ashton’s palm as the curly-haired boy withdrew his hand swiftly.

“ _What_?” Luke mumbled, his voice thick with sleep.

Ashton panicked, leaning forwards and pressing a soft kiss to Luke’s lips.

“I’m just going to the bathroom,” Ashton lied and Luke nodded, his soft hair brushing Ashton’s chin as the blond boy settled down beneath the duvet again.

“Go back to sleep, Lukey,” Ashton breathed and his _heart_ would have been breaking if he didn’t feel so fucking _numb_. “I’ll see you in the m-morning.”

Ashton didn’t see Luke’s ocean-blue eyes blink open in the darkness when the older boy’s voice broke. He didn’t feel Luke watching him when he slipped out of bed with his palm dripping blood and death in his heart.

Ashton didn’t see the cold terror in Luke’s eyes as the older boy padded across the carpet in the darkness, letting the bedroom door click shut quietly behind him as he crept out into the hallway.

Ashton’s head was spinning and everything was a roar of indiscernible shapes and sound and colour, until they wove together to form a single scene that froze Ashton’s blood in his veins:

_A dark alley. No cars. **No one**. Unfamiliar hands on his skin and lips at his throat. Terror flooding through him. “So you want it like that then, yeah?” More fear than he could ever remember feeling. Hands clamped around his arms. Nowhere to run. “I... **alright**.”_

“No,” Ashton breathed and his eyes were wild but his heart grew ever-heavier in the fragile confines of his heaving chest. “ _No_.”

He shut the bathroom door without locking it – and if he’d been in his right mind, that might have told him that maybe he didn’t really fucking _want_ this – and he dropped down onto the cold tiles, wincing when his thigh flared with pain, even as he felt a surge of bitter satisfaction poisoning him, because this was no more than he deserved.

He’d been a fool to think that he’d even been worth anything more than this.

That was all he was really: a fool.

A stupid, _stupid_ fucking  **fool**.

All he did was fuck things up for the people he loved, who loved _him_ , and it was beyond messed up. They deserved so much better than a hollowed-out husk like him.

He should have killed himself _years_ ago.

He should never have let things with Luke go this far.

He should never even have been _born_ – then Anne might still be alive. She might have met Warwick, and had Harry and Lauren, and they could have been _happy_.

So really, it was _better_ this way.

Ashton was better off gone and that would help everyone else in the long run too, because then he wouldn’t be _hurting_ them anymore, and maybe they’d be able to fix themselves, in a way that Ashton had _never_ been able to.

When he rolled the sleeve of one of Luke’s faded old sweatshirts back with a trembling hand, he stared at the skin on the inside of his wrist with a curiously detached sort of scrutiny.

The scars were plenty, slightly raised and not _quite_ the same colour as the rest of his skin, some as thick as a scratch left by his fingernail while others were thinner than gossamer, traced by the blade that he let fall from his fist now to land on the tiles, speckling the floor with blood.

There would be more blood falling there soon, probably. A _lot_ more.

He wondered why he hadn’t done it yet.

His breath came in sharp gasps when he picked the blade up again, gripping it tightly between shaking fingers, firmly enough that his fingertips went white and his hand shook harder.

“Do it,” he whispered fiercely, and he was fucking _talking_ to himself now, and he’d lost it. He’d well and truly _lost_ it. “Fucking _do_ it, you coward. **_Do it_**.”

But he couldn’t.

He was shaking too much and he couldn’t get enough air in now and his hand was _stinging_ , and he just fucking wanted **Luke** back –

Which was, of course, the moment that the bathroom door swung open to reveal the blond boy standing in the doorway, his eyes full of dread and his hands trembling uncontrollably as he gripped the doorframe hard.

“ _Ash_ ,” Luke said weakly and he was shaking so much that his legs gave out beneath him and he ended up collapsing down onto the cold floor too. Luke crawled the rest of the way over to him though, his face going completely _ashen_ when he saw the blood already on the tiles and the mess Ashton had made of his injured hand, and when he turned Ashton’s wrist gently to see the unbroken skin, a sob tore through the younger boy, catching him so unawares that it must have _hurt_.

The relief on Luke’s face was palpable when he realised that Ashton hadn’t started to cut yet.

That he hadn’t been _able_ to.

“Thank god,” Luke breathed and he was crying properly, tears _streaming_ down his cheeks as he knelt up shakily in front of Ashton and cupped his face gently, letting their foreheads fall to rest together. “Thank _god_.”

The older boy stared at Luke with something like agony in his suddenly-terrified hazel eyes.

“ _Sorry_ ,” Ashton choked out and a small hurt noise tore itself free from Luke, the sound ragged and desperate as his pain welled up behind his ocean-blue eyes.

“ _Please_ ,” Luke breathed suddenly and Ashton had to bite down _so_ hard on his bottom lip to keep from crying. “ _Never_ try to take yourself away from me again. _Please_ , Ash. I can’t _live_ without you anymore.”

Ashton’s tears boiled over and he was shivering so violently in the cold bathroom at almost midnight that he managed to bite his tongue. He could taste blood when he gasped out a desperate apology, whispering the words: “ **I’m sorry** ” so many times that they didn’t even sound _real_ anymore.

Luke just held Ashton’s jaw gently, stroking the faintest trace of stubble with his thumbs and closing his ocean-blue eyes as a shudder ripped through him.

“Let it go, Ashy,” Luke whispered and, somehow, his voice didn’t crack.

The blade tumbled from Ashton’s cold fingers, hitting the tiles with a quiet chink that sounded _deafening_ in the silence.

“I’m not leaving you,” Luke breathed, sitting down on the floor beside Ashton and gently tugging the smaller boy into his lap before he pressed a gentle kiss to the older boy’s hand. Luke wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and, even though it hurt his thigh, the burning pain Ashton felt was clearing his head and, for the first time, Luke’s presence didn’t make him feel any worse.

It _helped_ almost.

The blond boy was like stars on a stormy night, the only faint lights left to guide Ashton safely through the darkness, and maybe he hadn’t been able to see it before, but he did now.

He _had_ to see it now... or he’d have nothing else left.

“You didn’t do it,” Luke murmured suddenly, his hands stroking warm comforting circles into the cold skin of Ashton’s back, slipped beneath his sweatshirt. The older boy tucked his head beneath Luke’s chin as his eyes burnt with tears and his bleeding palm stung.

“Something stopped you, Ash,” Luke breathed and he curled his pale fingers gently around Ashton’s jaw to get the older boy to look at him. “What was it?”

 Ashton mumbled something but Luke didn’t hear him.

“What was it, Ash?” Luke repeated, his voice so _soft_ and patient, like he wasn’t going anywhere no matter what. Like he’d really _meant_ it when he’d said that he wasn’t going to leave him.

“I was too _weak_ ,” Ashton said more loudly but the tears were relentless and the shame on his face must have hurt to _look_ at because Ashton could see, quite clearly, Luke’s heart breaking in his chest.

“That’s not true,” Luke breathed and his eyes were sadder than Ashton had ever seen but they were also _prouder_. “I think it’s braver to stay _alive_ when you feel the way _you_ do,” the blond boy said and his voice was shaking harder now, like he couldn’t keep the tears in anymore. “I think you’re the strongest, _bravest_ person I’ve ever _met_.”

“I think you’re mad,” Ashton breathed but there was no poison in his words and his breath came easier in his chest as Luke just sat there in the cold with him, holding him close and dropping kisses onto the top of the older boy’s head as he inhaled deeply, like he was breathing in the familiar smell and trying to comfort himself, trying to convince himself that he _hadn’t_ lost Ashton.

“I feel like I’m drowning,” Ashton said suddenly, and the confession came out choked and wrecked as, abruptly, all of the tears he’d been suppressing caught up with him.

Luke exhaled shakily, only holding Ashton closer, tight enough that it made him feel like maybe the hole inside his chest _could_ be fixed now. Maybe he _wasn’t_ lost.

When Luke spoke next, he confirmed it.

“You’ve just got to keep your head above the water, Ash. I’ll do the rest. Just... just let me _help_ you. **_Please_**.” The blond boy’s words were desperate but also _sure_ , like he knew everything was going to be okay and he just wanted to make the older boy _see_ it. “I can’t _do_ this without you and... and maybe _you_ can’t do this without _me_ either. But... come hell or high water, Ash, you’ve got me. No matter what.”

Luke’s forehead fell forwards gently to rest against Ashton’s again and their tears mingled on their cheeks as he cupped Ashton’s face, his fingertips soft as they stroked over the skin, comforting him.

“You’ll _always_ have me,” Luke promised and Ashton’s heart was beating too-fast, like the fastest drumbeat in the world, pounding and racing and hammering as his chest heaved.

“You’ve got me too,” Ashton breathed, clinging to Luke with his good arm wrapped tightly around his boyfriend’s shoulders as he tucked his head into the blond boy’s neck, hiding his bleeding fist between their shaking bodies as Luke kissed the top of his head. “For as long as you want me.”

“ _Forever_ then,” Luke said in a fierce little voice, his ocean-blue eyes burning into Ashton’s when the smaller boy finally looked up at him, his face too-pale and damp with tears. “I want you **forever**.”

“I want you _too_ ,” Ashton sobbed out and Luke had to press his lips together tightly to keep from crying. The blond boy’s expression was a curious mixture of melancholy, concern, relief, and what could _almost_ be described as **adoration** , and it was making Ashton’s heart ache because Luke looked fucking _radiant_ beneath the glowing white light of the single bulb hanging in the bathroom. His skin was creamy and there was a smudge of blood on his bottom lip from where he’d kissed Ashton’s ruined palm, and Ashton loved him.

Fuck, Ashton loved Luke _so_ much.

“You’re safe now, Ashy, I swear,” Luke promised and he stroked his thumbs gently under Ashton’s eyes, over the dark circles there that looked almost like _bruises_. His lips caught against Ashton’s in the gentlest of kisses and one of his small hands threaded lightly through the older boy’s curls, scratching lightly at his scalp and just _anchoring_ Ashton, in the way that only Luke knew how.

“Distract me,” Ashton breathed because the pangs in his chest were starting to _hurt_ now and he didn’t want to panic on top of everything else. “Please.”

“What do you want me to do?” Luke whispered, letting his hands fall so that he could wrap his arms securely around Ashton’s narrow waist. “Because I’ll do _anything_. I promise.”

Ashton shuddered and Luke’s arms tightened in response as he cuddled the smaller boy close, pressing a soft kiss to the warm skin of his boyfriend’s neck.

“Sing,” Ashton mumbled, letting his head fall forwards to rest on Luke’s broad shoulder as he struggled to regain control of his breathing. “Please.”

Luke was silent for a few moments as he thought and the only sound in the cold bathroom was the unsteady dripping sound of the leaking tap. After a moment Luke cleared his throat self-consciously, his cheeks blushing pink in his embarrassment, and Ashton remembered why he’d fallen in love with the blond boy in the first place.

“I have a song,” Luke mumbled and Ashton glanced up at him through his eyelashes, the weakest smile _ever_ twitching his lips because Ashton couldn’t believe he’d even _considered_ leaving the blond boy behind.

He loved him so much it stole the _breath_ from his lungs sometimes, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Okay,” Luke muttered and he straightened his back, rubbing Ashton’s shoulders comfortingly as he tried to calm himself. “Right.”

Ashton’s trembling hand crept up to stroke Luke’s jaw and the blond boy relaxed.

“ _I open my lungs, dear. I sing this song at funerals... no rush._ ” His voice sounded surprisingly calm and clear as a tear rolled down his cheek, and Ashton loved him so, _so_ much.

“ _These lyrics heard a thousand times, just plush. A baby boy you've held so tightly; this pain it visits almost nightly. Missing hotel beds, I feel your touch_.”

Ashton sniffed, tucking his face away again and knotting his hand into Luke’s shirt as the words washed over him, echoing slightly in the small tiled room but still just as beautiful as Ashton had grown to expect.

“ _I will await, dear, a patience of eternity, my crush. A universe so still. No rust. No dust will ever grow on this frame; one million years, and I will say your name. I love you more than I can ever scream_.”

Ashton started crying properly, biting down on his full bottom lip and fighting to keep his sobs locked away because he _refused_ to cry over Luke’s beautiful singing.

“ _We booked our flight those years ago; I said I loved you as I left you. Regrets still haunt my hollow head, but I promised you that I will see you again, again._ ”

Luke ducked his head to press a gentle kiss to the corner of Ashton’s mouth and, although the older boy was still fighting back tears, he managed a faint watery smile, even as the shame and the terror and – against all the odds – the fucking _hope_ bubbled inside of him, spreading like wildfire through his veins.

“ _I sit here and smile dear. I smile because I think of you and I blush. These bleeding hollow dials, this fuss._ ”

Luke’s voice was so, _so_ soft as he sang the last line of that verse and, when Ashton looked up again, he saw that the blond boy’s beautiful eyes were red with tears, and he was only singing quietly so that his voice wouldn’t have a chance to crack.

Ashton’s heart went out to him.

“ _A fuss is made of miles and travel. Roadways are but stones and gravel. A bleeding heart can conquer every crutch._ ”

Ashton felt fear clutch at his racing heart then and he thought that maybe it was because he just didn’t know if he was strong enough to do this... but... Luke _had_ said that he’d never leave him and... and if Ashton was going to believe _anyone_ then he was going to believe Luke.

Almost like the blond boy knew what he was thinking, he raised Ashton’s knuckles and pressed a soft kiss to the scarred skin there but, when Luke opened his mouth to sing again, no sound came out and the tears that had been collecting in his eyes began to fall freely.

The blond boy hung his head, apparently ashamed at himself, and when Ashton inhaled shakily and tried to shake away the terror he could feel – because this was _Luke_ , damnit, and he trusted him more than anyone – Luke’s head snapped up in shock.

“ _We booked our flight those years ago_ ,” Ashton sang softly, weakly. His voice faltered and the tears in his own eyes were burning but Luke was staring at him like he’d hung the moon in the sky.

“ _You said you loved me as you left me. Regrets still haunt your saddened head, but I promised you that I will see you._ ”

Luke closed his eyes tightly, like he was fighting to regain control of himself again, and his eyelids were still that beautiful delicate lavender. Ashton loved him more than he loved _anything_.

“ _We booked our flight those years ago._ ”

Luke joined in on the last full verse, his voice quieter than it had been before, softer and wet with tears, but his hands were surprisingly steady and warm as they continued to smooth comfortingly down the smaller boy’s back, and Ashton thought maybe Luke knew how he felt now – probably better than _anyone_ did really, because the blond boy always _did_ understand him better than anyone else in the world.

“ _I said I loved you as I left you. Regret's no longer in my head, but I promised you and now I'm home again, again, again. I'm home again, again, again_.”

Ashton broke down and the hole in his chest felt like maybe it had finally healed and the knot had all but  _vanished_ , nothing but icy water leaking out of the cut in his palm now and falling silently onto the cold bathroom tiles, and he knew – by some strange sixth sense – that the knot wouldn’t be returning now.

It had finally gone.

“I always knew you had a beautiful voice,” Luke whispered, his lips soft and familiar as they brushed against Ashton’s gently.

The smaller boy felt his cheeks heating with blood but he could breathe more calmly now and his eyes were almost dry. The cut was sore and he knew he’d have to get that looked at tomorrow but, for now, it could wait.

 _Everything_ could wait – because he had Luke, because neither of them were going anywhere.

Because they _loved_ each other, now and **forever** if Luke was to be believed (and Ashton thought he probably _was_ ).

Luke kissed Ashton, his mouth a hot familiar slide as one of his hands drifted up to stroke the back of the curly-haired boy’s neck lightly, and the ice melting out on the floor around them wasn’t _just_ from Ashton and, when Luke broke away to sing the last line, the notes lingered in the silence, and Ashton knew he wouldn’t forget this moment for a long, _long_ time.

Maybe for the rest of his _life_.

He thought maybe that should bother him a lot more than it _did_ but, when Luke gazed down at him with his burning ocean-blue eyes, the love there was _so_ clear, and Ashton figured that they’d probably be alright after all.

“ _I'm home again_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought though :)  
> The song Luke sings is The Mortician's Daughter by Black Veil Brides if you wanted to give it a listen :) <3
> 
> This is kinda how I've been picturing Lashton btw: http://media.tumblr.com/826391de038ac65bb0ffef13ac74aea5/tumblr_inline_nesnv9YiRx1sjrymg.jpg


	123. Tiny Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“I’ve got you, Ash,” Luke breathed, his eyes teary but his jaw set, like he wasn’t going cry now no matter_ how _much he wanted to and, when the taller boy’s arm slipped around Ashton’s waist firmly as they approached the closed coffin, Luke was the only thing holding Ashton up._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this has taken me a few days to write - I've just been busy at the moment and my head is a **mess** but this update helped to clear it.  
>  I hope you'll enjoy it <3

**_Empty your sadness,_ **

**_Like you’re dumping your purse on my bedroom floor._ **

**_We put your curse in reverse._ **

_\- The Kids Aren't Alright, Fall Out Boy_

 

In the end, Michael and Calum never learnt quite how close they'd come to losing Ashton, but the older boy thought maybe that was for the best. He’d made them sad enough in the past and it didn’t seem fair to upset them with this now, _especially_ when he realised that he was actually starting to feel a lot _better_ now.

It was a bit messed up, Ashton was pretty sure, but it felt kind of like maybe he’d _needed_ for that to happen. Maybe he’d needed to get to breaking point just to prove to himself that he _was_ strong enough to survive after all.

The anxiety and the sadness still overwhelmed him sometimes though, and it was no different on the day of Anne’s funeral.

To be perfectly honest, Ashton had done his best to block most of it out but _some_ things had filtered through the numbness that he’d enshrouded himself in: Lauren’s distress and Harry’s confusion, Grace’s tears and George’s stubborn stony expression, and Luke’s hand tightly in Ashton’s, his thumb rubbing gentle circles in the soft skin on the back of Ashton’s hand.

They’d gone to the hospital a few days previously and Ashton had had his palm re-stitched. It had hurt a lot but Luke had kept his arm around Ashton’s shoulders the whole time, pressing a kiss to the older boy’s cheek when the nurse had also bandaged Ashton’s palm to keep him from ripping the stitches again.

In the car on the way to the church where Anne’s funeral was being held, Luke had produced a marker from _somewhere_ before he gently rolled back the sleeve of Ashton’s stupid suit jacket to get at the bandage.

“What are you _doing_ , Lukey?” Ashton asked weakly but the blond boy just fixed his boyfriend with a surprisingly obstinate expression, stuck his tongue out childishly, and held the lid of the pen between his teeth as he carefully wrote something on the bandage covering Ashton’s palm.

“Please don’t draw anything rude,” Ashton pleaded weakly and Luke snorted, his eyes gleaming with a mixture of amusement and sadness.

“I’m _much_ classier than that, Ashy,” Luke disagreed, his words a little distorted around the pen lid, and Ashton felt his lips twitch into a weak smile despite the anxiety fluttering inside of him because Luke was decidedly _not_ classy.

He wore toucan boxers and left damp towels on the floor, and he fed Shelly off his fingers sometimes when Sharon got a bit over-excited and gave him too much dinner. He chewed on his toothbrush when he wasn’t concentrating and his sneezes always seemed to take him by surprise so he never got his hand up in time, and sometimes when he was eating kiwi fruits he managed to send spoonfuls of it firing at Ashton because Luke wasn’t always good at accurately guessing how much strength was required… and Ashton _still_ loved him.

“You’re _not_ classy,” Ashton mumbled and, from the driver’s seat, Sharon suppressed a small smile.

“Your eyes go twinkly when you’re being all fond, Ash,” Luke mumbled, glancing up, but he quickly ducked his head again so that he could continue to draw on the bandage. Ashton couldn’t see what the blond boy was doing and he wondered if he should be concerned or not.

“Love you,” Luke said randomly when he was done, putting the marker away and pressing a fleeting kiss to the corner of his boyfriend’s mouth as Ashton looked down at his sore hand curiously.

Luke apparently had a tendency to get carried away too and Ashton had _never_ loved him more for it.

“You didn’t,” Ashton half-whispered, his eyes burning with tears now, but he sniffed hard and wiped them away with his sleeve because he didn’t want to miss _any_ of this.

“I did,” Luke said, his cheeks flaming, and Ashton wanted to kiss him but he wanted to look at what Luke had written and drawn more.

All around the edges of the bandage were tiny stars, flowers, hearts, and moons. Luke had drawn a happy smiley face on the bandage beside Ashton’s thumb and there were swirly vines doodled across the bottom of the bandage with tiny buds blooming beneath a neatly-drawn sun with a calm expression.

In the middle of it all, written in pretty swirling letters, were the lyrics: ‘ ** _I love you more than I can ever scream._** ’

When Ashton looked at his hand, it felt like falling in love all over again, only there was no pain now. Just love and tears and a healing heart instead.

“I _love_ you,” Ashton whispered, awestruck, and his voice wobbled. “I love you _so_ much.”

Luke’s eyelashes were spiky with tears but he pressed a soft, loving kiss to Ashton’s full lips as his hand crept up to soothingly caress the older boy’s jaw before their foreheads fell to rest together gently.

Luke took Ashton’s good hand when the kiss was broken and he didn’t let go again, not even when it was time to get out of the car and file into the church.

Ashton made it through the thirty minute funeral service _somehow_ but he spent more time focusing on Luke’s hand in his and the numbness in his chest then he did on listening to the vicar’s words.

None of it mattered to him anyway really. Anne had never been religious and it was only because of George’s input now that she was even _having_ a funeral. She would have _hated_ it, Ashton was pretty sure, and he distracted himself by looking at the pretty stained glass windows so that he wouldn’t wander down the avenue of ‘What would she be thinking now?’ because, if he stumbled down _there_ , he wouldn’t be coming back out again.

When it was time to go and pay his last respects, Ashton felt his throat close up and he looked at Luke with a wide terrified gaze, shaking his head frantically so that his curls tumbled into his wet hazel eyes because he _couldn’t_ do this.

He just _couldn’t_.

“I’ve got you, Ash,” Luke breathed, his eyes teary but his jaw set, like he wasn’t going cry now no matter _how_ much he wanted to and, when the taller boy’s arm slipped around Ashton’s waist firmly as they approached the closed coffin, Luke was the only thing holding Ashton up.

Almost everyone had filed outside now to give Anne’s close family the chance to say goodbye in private – and there hadn’t been very many people to _begin_ with really – but Sharon hovered in the doorway, waiting for Luke and Ashton with a determined expression on her face when George looked at her askance.

Grace was lingering nearby, her expression tight and pale, her eyes _anguished_ as she comforted a sobbing Lauren.

Harry didn’t look like he understood what was going on and that only made Ashton want to cry _harder_. Somehow he managed to resist though and he thought it was Luke’s words _burning_ themselves into his heart that kept him from crumpling.

“I’ve got you,” Luke repeated and his voice was so, _so_ soft. Almost as soft as his _eyes_.

Ashton’s breathing calmed and some of the fire in his eyes went out, and Luke’s beautiful ocean-blue eyes were _still_ tracing Ashton’s face, but they were gentler now too, like the blond boy was content with what he’d seen in his boyfriend’s eyes.

“You want me to come over with you?” Luke breathed when the pair came to a stop a few metres from the coffin. It was silent now – Grace had ushered a sobbing Lauren away and Harry had tagged along with George, clearly confused and distressed, and even Sharon had disappeared outside now to wait with everyone else.

Ashton’s heart clenched at the thought of being alone now but he knew he had to be by himself for this.

“No,” Ashton said and his voice cracked, too loud as it echoed through the emptiness now. The air was thick with dust and the hairs on the back of Ashton’s neck were rising, and he wanted to leave, _now_ , because he felt trapped in here.

“No, I’ll be okay,” he whispered and a tear rolled down his cheek but he still felt surprisingly calm, and maybe Luke saw that on his face because he accepted it with surprising grace.

“I’ll be right outside,” Luke promised, pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of Ashton’s mouth before he drew away unwillingly, his blond hair lying flat, his eyes soft and sad as his thin lips tugged up into a weak, _weak_ smile as he sucked uneasily at his lip-ring.

Ashton felt fragile when he turned away, shivered and wrapped his arms around himself for a moment as he approached the coffin because this was _horrible_.

It felt like someone was standing right behind him but, when he shot a jerky glance back over his shoulder, of _course_ no one was there.

He was alone.

Except he _wasn’t_ alone. Not **really**.

He had Luke, and Michael and Calum, and Grace and Sharon, and Harry and Lauren, and Mrs. McKay, and Graham Clifford, and even _Shelly_.

His mother had been alone… but Ashton _wasn’t_ Anne. He would **never** be.

He came to a stop beside the coffin and his eyes burnt with tears now that he actually let himself _think_ … but they weren’t tears of grief. They were _pitying_ instead, ashamed almost, and maybe that was worse but it was the way Ashton felt and he’d had it with trying to suppress his emotions.

Ashton didn’t feel empty when he looked down at the coffin. He felt full of _love_ instead and it was a raw, painful kind of love, but it was still pure.

Ashton thought maybe that was all he could hope for these days.

The silence in the church seemed to grow and the sun shone down through the stained glass, and the scent of lilies was almost overwhelming now.

‘ _Shelly couldn’t come in here_ ,’ Ashton thought vaguely. His heart skipped a beat when a dull sense of finality rushed through him.

“ _Goodnight, mum_ ,” Ashton whispered and he let his shaking hand fall to rest on the varnished wood of the coffin, like he was covering Anne with a blanket almost, or stroking her hair away from her pale face.

Ashton’s hand made a soft thud when it landed on the lid of the coffin but it sounded _thunderous_ in the unnatural silence of the church.

Abruptly, Ashton had had enough.

He wanted to be gone from there, wrapped up safely in Luke’s arms again as the blond boy kissed the top of his head and promised him that everything was going to be okay soon.

He wanted _Luke_.

Ashton’s heart clenched and he spun away from the coffin, suddenly unable to even stomach _looking_ at it, but when it all started to feel like it was getting to be too much, Ashton looked down at the bandage on his palm and the pain in his heart didn’t feel so _raw_ anymore.

It no longer felt like someone was scraping inside him with sandpaper but like cool water was trickling over him instead, soft and calm, like Luke’s ocean-blue eyes almost.

‘ _Luke_.’

Ashton left the church without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading and please let me know what you thought <3  
> 


	124. Sugar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton’s cheeks were still wet with tears but his hazel eyes were so,_ so _beautiful, the colour shifting somewhere between a warm golden-brown and a rich forest green. They were reminiscent of the forest-lined roads near the pier, reminded Luke of sea-spray and salt and ocean-washed pebbles._  
>  _Looking into them felt like_ freedom _almost, and Luke thought maybe Ashton had_ always _been that for him, ever since the very first day they’d met._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter just ran away with me which might explain why it took me so long to write.  
> Hopefully it doesn't totally suck though - enjoy!

**_I've never had the words to say,_ **

**_But now I'm asking you to stay,_ **

**_For a little while inside my arms,_ **

**_And as you close your eyes tonight,_ **

**_I pray that you will see the light,_ **

**_That's shining from the stars above._ **

_\- More Than This, One Direction_

 

Ashton was very quiet during the week following his mother’s funeral and it was starting to worry Luke.

He felt a bit like he should be _doing_ something but, when he’d said this to Sharon, she’d simply dismissed it with a wave of her hand and told him that all he _could_ do was show Ashton that he wasn’t alone, that he was still cared about, still **loved**.

To Luke, it didn’t feel like anywhere _close_ to enough.

He stayed by Ashton though, held his hand when they were watching television, doodled flowers and stars and moons up the tanned skin of his arms when he ran out of space on the bandage.

Luke was always near to Ashton, always had his arms looped gently around the smaller boy’s waist or his chin resting on the top of Ashton’s head. Luke was always _close_ and, when Ashton’s shoulders slumped with relief as he seemed to almost _melt_ back into the blond boy, Luke thought that was probably what Ashton wanted.

“I love you,” Ashton whispered all the time, the words always a touch scared, like he was frightened he was going to _lose_ Luke or something. His big hands always came to grip Luke’s securely and when his eyes clouded over as he actually let himself _think_ , it wasn’t difficult to see the fear and the anxiety lurking just beneath the surface.

Luke thought that maybe Ashton was grieving a lot more than he’d been letting on at the funeral and this worry was only _confirmed_ when he heard Ashton crying himself to sleep as quietly as he could, his breath catching with sobs as he buried his face in the pillows. This happened most nights now.

On those occasions, Luke simply took Sharon’s advice to heart and snuggled up close behind Ashton, slipping his hand beneath the older boy’s t-shirt so he could stroke his chest soothingly in an attempt to help him calm his breathing while Luke kissed the back of Ashton’s neck gently.

Sometimes it led to sex – to low moans and jerking hips and searching fingers and tears squeezing out of tightly-shut eyes – but most of the time they just cuddled until Ashton was calm enough to fall asleep (and if Luke cried once he was sure his boyfriend wasn’t awake to hear it, no one else had to know, _especially_ Ashton).

When Luke woke up on Monday morning and realised with a sharp pang in his chest that he had to leave Ashton alone today because he had an exam to attend, the older boy kissed him goodbye and murmured good luck but he didn’t get out of bed.

Luke called Sharon at lunchtime, hoping to hear that Ashton was up and at the very least wandering around the house, but it wasn’t to be.

“He hasn’t even got out of bed yet,” Sharon sighed and Luke could hear a faint buzzing noise in the background. He wandered what she was doing. “I released Shelly but he just sneezed like a really sad, dejected little bunny and he didn’t even roll his eyes so I took cherub away again. I've found some hair clippers now and I'm going to tell him that I'll shave his head if he doesn't come out of that bedroom soon." She sighed, sounding irked. "This behaviour is most challenging.”

“He’s just hurting, Shaz,” Luke said and his lips twitched weakly at the nickname but his _heart_ hurt. He just wanted Ashton to feel better again. He wanted him to get outside and taste the fresh air and feel the wind on his skin.

Luke didn’t want Ashton to feel as lifeless as his mother was.

“Good luck in your exam, Lucas,” Sharon said suddenly, jolting Luke from his thoughts abruptly. “Not that luck is _real_ of course – it is merely a superstition that we humans find so highly desirable.”

She stopped speaking abruptly and Luke blinked, simply frowning up at the sky as his tired brain tried to process what she’d just said.

“Uh… thank you… I… I think,” Luke mumbled. "Uh... also... it's probably better _nnot_ to shave Ash's head..." He ended the call quickly after that before he disappeared back through the doors into the front reception of Kings.

Luke sat his exam and he thought it said a lot about the state of his head that he actually _enjoyed_ the two hours he spent messing up an essay on the different parliamentary systems.

Luke skipped his last lesson that day since they’d _probably_ only have been revising anyway, and he hurried home with his bag bumping uncomfortably into his hip. He felt sick, more nervous than he’d been before his exam, and it kind of _hurt_ that Ashton must feel this way all the time.

“I’m coming, Ashy,” Luke muttered, speeding up as he hoisted his backpack higher up his shoulder. The breeze was cool but the clouds were rolling overhead and shafts of late afternoon sunlight were burning down towards the grey tarmac of the road.

 _Everything_ looked grey when he let himself back into the house.

The curtains in their bedroom were shut and Ashton was huddled up under the duvet, curled up in a ball with his scarred arms wrapped tightly around his legs. He was crying.

“Ashy,” Luke whispered from the doorway but, against the odds, the older boy heard him.

Ashton looked up, sniffing hard and wiping his eyes with his sleeve as his cheeks flamed with embarrassment. Luke was by his side at once, dropping his backpack onto the floor and kicking his shoes off as he sat down beside his boyfriend, opening his arms hopefully.

Ashton gave another broken sob and, quite suddenly, Luke found himself with a lapful of duvet-swathed Ashton.

Luke wriggled backwards with difficulty in the semi-darkness, stopping only when his back hit the headboard. Ashton was still huddled up against his chest, shaking as he tried to hold his sobs in, and Luke kept one arm wrapped securely around the smaller boy’s back as he thumbed the tears away gently.

“ _Sorry_ ,” Ashton choked out and Luke gave him a watery smile, dropping a kiss onto the end of the older boy’s nose.

“You have nothing to be sorry _for_ , Ash,” the blond boy promised shakily, dragging his fingers gently through his boyfriend’s curls and feeling satisfaction when Ashton’s jaw went a bit slack, like it felt _really_ good.

“I do,” Ashton mumbled but he’d settled back against Luke more comfortably now as some of the tension leaked out of him. “I’m being all _mopey_ and stuff. It’s pathetic.”

“It’s not pathetic!” Sharon cried, bursting into the room clutching Shelly tightly to her chest with just one arm – an impressive feat in Luke’s opinion. The blond boy felt his eyebrows rising as Ashton stilled against him though because apparently his aunt had been standing just outside the door, waiting for an opportunity to come barging in.

Luke supposed he should at least be grateful that she’d waited.

“What… what are you doing?” Luke asked weakly and Ashton tucked his face away into the blond boy’s neck as he gripped the front of Luke’s school jumper tightly in his bandaged fist.

There were faintly-smudged black doodles inked down his arms that Luke had doodled the night before and he looked _small_ , _fragile_ , like a flower almost.

Like something that really, _really_ needed looking after, despite its thorns.

“We’re staging an intervention, Lucas!” Sharon explained, jostling the cat a little bit so that he let out a mournful meow. In her free hand she was holding half a dozen chocolate limes and she bestowed them to Ashton as she sat down beside them on the bed, patting the back of his large, trembling hand when he’d warily accepted them.

“You need to boost your blood sugar,” she said and Luke glanced down at Ashton cautiously but the curly-haired boy’s face just showed an odd mixture of weak, slightly _bitter_ amusement, exhaustion, and _hopelessness_.

“Right, as I was saying: _we’re staging an intervention_!” Sharon said, dropping Shelly onto Ashton’s chest. Neither looked particularly thrilled about this and Luke shooed the cat away gently, rubbing Ashton’s shoulder comfortingly when the cat fur made him sneeze.

When both boys looked back at Sharon again, her eyes were a little flintier and Luke wondered if she’d just acted the way she had to put them at their ease.

When Sharon’s eyes gleamed, like she _knew_ what he was thinking, Luke thought maybe his aunt was a _lot_ cleverer than either of them gave her credit for.

“You’re not pathetic, Ashton,” Sharon said softly and her face lacked the flinty edge it gained sometimes when she being was very, _very_ serious but her eyes were still surprisingly grave.

"Moping and feeling self-pitying is okay in consideration, Ashton, but there comes a time when you have to stop,” she said and the curly-haired boy was shrinking down in Luke’s arms until he was almost hidden by the duvet. Sharon sighed, letting her head fall forwards for a moment as she controlled her expression before she gave Ashton’s leg a gentle pat through the duvet.

He flinched.

“You have to realise that feeling sorry for yourself - no matter _how_ justified - is going to get you **nowhere** ,” she said quietly, her expression tight through the darkness of the room. Luke blinked to clear his eyes.

“You have to tell the world you love yourself and you have to _keep_ saying it - even if it's a lie at first, even if it takes _years_ for you to believe the truth - and then the happiness will come. I won't say that that's when you will be able to _live_ again because I disagree with that statement. You're already living _now_ , albeit sadly, in the darkness, _frightened_...” Sharon sighed but Ashton was peering out at her over the edge of the duvet now and Luke started to stroke his hair again, combing his fingers through the older boy's soft curls gently.

“But it won't _always_ be like that, Ashton,” Sharon promised and there was fire burning in her eyes now, bright and strong. “Start running towards the light now and you'll feel the sun on your skin tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that too – you’ll feel it _forever_ if you run far enough, live fast enough, burn _bright_ enough.”

Sharon’s voice had risen as she spoke and Luke hadn’t realised until she quietened now, speaking in a soft murmur as the tears rolled down Ashton’s cheeks. Luke kissed the top of Ashton’s head, closing his eyes against his own as he comforted himself with the fact that Ashton was in his arms now, _safe_ , and it would **always** be that way.

Luke would make _sure_ of it.

“And you don't have to do that _alone_ , Ashton,” Sharon said softly. The silence in the room felt _loud_ almost. Even Shelly was quiet. “That's where everyone you love - and who loves you - comes in. You don't have to do _anything_ alone. You're _not_ alone. Not anymore. And you never will be _again_.”

“Not if we have anything to do with it,” Luke added and Ashton tipped his head back to look up at Luke.

Ashton’s cheeks were still wet with tears but his hazel eyes were so, _so_ beautiful, the colour shifting somewhere between a warm golden-brown and a rich forest green. They were reminiscent of the forest-lined roads near the pier, reminded Luke of sea-spray and salt and ocean-washed pebbles.

Looking into them felt like _freedom_ almost, and Luke thought maybe Ashton had _always_ been that for him, ever since the very first day they’d met.

Ashton stretched up and pressed a gentle kiss to the underside of Luke’s jaw before he closed his eyes, inhaling steadily and calmly. When he opened his eyes, they were clear again.

“Thank you,” Ashton told them, and he sounded _older_ almost, but stronger too maybe.

Luke had _never_ felt more relieved.

“You don’t have to thank us, curly,” Sharon said and Luke wriggled down so he could kiss Ashton’s cheek gently.

“We _love_ you, Ashy,” the blond boy promised and Ashton’s lips twitched into a smile, even as his hand fisted Luke's jumper tighter, holding him close like the older boy needed the comfort.

“Love you,” he mumbled, turning his head in the shadowy room as he searched for the blond boy’s lips.

Luke returned the kiss gently, their mouths soft and warm, and it was quite _sweet_ until Shelly jumped on top of them and Ashton tore himself away before he sneezed in Luke’s _face_ or something equally gross.

Luke rolled his eyes as he sat up, smiling weakly, and he had the distinct impression that maybe Sharon had _encouraged_ her cat to do that because she was looking a little bit left out now.

“Do you want to see the inspirational quote I found or not?” she asked, apparently sulking a bit, and Ashton’s weak smirk mirrored Luke’s perfectly.

“Fire away,” Luke said wryly and Sharon _beamed_ , withdrawing a folded piece of paper from the pocket of her lavender-coloured cardigan and letting it flutter down to fall on Ashton’s face, before she scooped Shelly up into her arms and disappeared in a cloud of cat fur.

Ashton blew out a breath and the piece of paper fell down onto the bed.

“Your aunt is weird,” he said but there was a touch of fondness colouring his tone that made Luke think that he was probably allowed to grin at the older boy.

“I know,” Luke said and his small smile mirrored Ashton’s. “You want to read her mysterious quote now? She’s probably just given us a copy of her shopping list again like she did last time. I don’t know why she keeps _doing_ this, honestly.”

Ashton giggled and Luke thought that maybe he _did_ know after all.

“C’mon,” the smaller boy urged, still lying with his head pillowed in Luke’s lap, and the blond boy unfolded the piece of paper, squinting at the mauve sparkly ink in the darkness as he tried to make out what it said.

Sharon had apparently used a grape-scented gel pen for her questionable calligraphy.

“It’s nice actually,” Luke said softly and Ashton looked up at him, his eyes still just as clear and bright. “She wants eggs, sausages, cabbage, onions –”

“You’re joking,” Ashton said slowly and Luke laughed despite himself, bending down easily to kiss Ashton and feeling a little bit smug that his dancing allowed him to be so flexible.

“Please read the quote,” Ashton pouted and Luke had never been able to deny Ashton anything – he’d never _wanted_ to – and he wasn’t about to start now.

“Okay,” Luke said softly as he looked down at the paper again, finally able to make out the _words_ now that his eyes had adjusted.

“' _When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either_ ’,” Luke read and Ashton smiled a small smile in the darkness.

“That’s a nice one – better than that stupid Lion King quote she stuck to the inside of the bathroom door anyway,” Ashton said and his eyes were twinkly. “Who said that quote?”

Luke checked the bottom of the paper and frowned as he peered down at it. “Someone called Leo Burnett,” he said with a slight shrug. “I’m not sure who it is to be honest. Good quote though. We could probably learn something from that.”

“That’s very true,” Ashton allowed, pushing himself up into a sitting position and crossing his legs beneath him. Luke squeezed his knee gently and Ashton gave a small smile, unwrapping one of the sweets and popping it into his mouth with a faint shudder. Apparently it was _too_ sweet.

Ashton’s hair was a cloud around his head, like a _halo_ almost, and Luke was cupping Ashton’s face gently with both hands before he even _processed_ it as he brought the older boy in gently for a kiss.

“Chocolate lime,” Luke muttered stupidly when they’d broken apart, feeling a smile twist his lips when Ashton giggled and tucked his face into his boyfriend’s neck.

“I love you,” Ashton promised, his lips a hot brush against Luke’s skin.

The blond boy smiled, stroking Ashton’s hair gently before he dropped a kiss onto the older boy’s forehead.

“I love you too,” Luke said.

They fell silent but it was comfortable – not like earlier – and Ashton was a warm, reassuring weight in Luke’s arms.

“Let’s go to the pier tonight,” Ashton said suddenly, his eyes lighting up, and the relief that had been trickling through Luke _washed_ over him now, and his heart felt lighter in his chest. “I want to see the stars.”

“That sounds really, _really_ nice, Ash,” Luke promised and, if the older boy noticed that his voice wobbled, he didn’t say anything. Luke was grateful for that.

“Think I need some fresh air,” Ashton mumbled before he glanced down at his ink-stained arms. “And a shower.”

Luke’s lips twitched weakly.

“I can help with that,” he joked and Ashton captured his lips in another kiss, his eyes sparkling in the darkness, his mouth a familiar hot slide against Luke’s as his tongue darted out to play with the blond boy’s lip-ring.

“Hoped you’d say that,” Ashton breathed and Luke’s hands pulling Ashton’s t-shirt off over his head were so, _so_ gentle. The older boy tensed a little, just like he _always_ did, and Luke’s small hands stroked the fading scars on the curly-haired boy’s stomach lightly.

“ **Beautiful** ,” Luke said roughly and Ashton unbuttoned the blond boy's shirt with long, clumsy fingers that Luke wanted _inside_ of him, damnit. “You’re _so_ beautiful.”

“So are you,” Ashton breathed before Luke’s mouth was back on his again and words were no longer necessary.

Luke felt lighter than he had done in _years_ and he thought maybe it was the knowledge that Ashton was _finally_ on the way to being okay again.

“We’re gonna be alright, aren’t we, Lukey?” Ashton asked but he broke off with a gasp when Luke’s hands dropped down to stroke him through the pyjama trousers he was wearing.

Luke’s laughter was muffled as he dropped his head to suck at the sensitive skin of Ashton’s neck.

“Yeah, Ashy,” Luke promised, and the smaller boy clung to him as Luke pushed Ashton gently back down onto the pillows and slipped his trousers down his hips so that he could touch him properly. “Yeah, we are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so, so much for reading! Please let me know what you thought :)  
> The end really is in sight now, I promise!  
> There'll be some smut next and then... **The Thing**. (Probably.)


	125. In The Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Love you_ too _, silly,” Luke smiled and he looked so_ soft _as he gazed down at Ashton then, his blond hair floppy on his forehead, almost_ silvery _in the moonlight creeping in through a gap in the curtains. His skin was creamy in the shadows, smooth and warm, and Luke’s ocean-blue eyes were like shards of sapphire._  
>  _Ashton just wanted Luke to **wreck** him._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shut up I didn't get carried away what are you talking about  
> (Sorry)  
> ((Hopefully enjoy))
> 
> P.S. I was so proud when I found these lyrics. Please be suitably impressed :')  
> (Yes, I really am this lame.)

**_You look so beautiful in this light,_ **

**_Your silhouette over me,_ **

**_The way it brings out the blue in your eyes,_ **

**_Is the Tenerife Sea._ **

_\- Tenerife Sea, Ed Sheeran_

 

Ashton woke with a start, his breathing too loud in the darkness of the room, his hands fisting tightly in the duvet. His chest was heaving and he only calmed when Luke raised his head in the darkness beside the older boy so that he could kiss Ashton’s bare shoulder soothingly.

“Nightmare?” the blond boy breathed and Ashton frowned, trying to remember.

He only had very _vague_ recollections of what he’d been dreaming about – there’d been the usual underlying fear and he’d recognised the alley behind the nightclub, remembered the unbearable intrusion and that _awful_ hollow aching pain he’d felt for _days_ afterwards, but the dream had changed and he’d remembered the night of his previous birthday, remembered when it was _Luke_ touching him there instead and the heat was unfurling inside him like gas meeting an open flame and –

Ashton frowned into the darkness.

“Why did it hurt outside the… the nightclub… but… but not with _you_?” Ashton breathed instead of answering and Luke’s expression cleared, even as his eyes saddened at the vulnerable look on his boyfriend’s face.

Luke reached over to stroke Ashton’s cheek gently.

“It _hurt_ you because… because you didn’t want it then, right?” Luke’s voice shook, like it _hurt_ to talk about something so significant in such an offhanded way, but his cheeks flushed a bit when he took in Ashton’s too-tired-to-panic eyes. “You… you _wanted_ it when I did it, Ash. You _said_.”

“I don’t hurt _you_ when I… when I do that to you, do I?” Ashton breathed, his voice suddenly fearful, even as a wave of lethargy washed over him, dampening the anxiety burning in his veins.

Luke leant forwards and pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of Ashton’s mouth.

“You’ve _never_ hurt me doing that, Ash. I promise,” Luke said and Ashton’s hazel eyes traced his boyfriend’s face, searching for any hint of a lie. There was only sincerity on Luke’s face though – sincerity and _love_.

“It’s actually probably one of my favourite things to do ever,” Luke mumbled, shrugging half-heartedly as he frowned up at the ceiling, and Ashton’s lips twitched into the faintest smile as his breathing gradually slowed.

“I’d never have guessed,” Ashton teased but there was a curiosity in his tone now that he _couldn’t_ smother and he just felt… weird. Not _wrong_ exactly but… but _different_ somehow, like he wanted something _new_.

“Would it… would it hurt if _you_ … if _you_ did that to me?” Ashton whispered, his voice soft and wary, and Luke’s breath caught in his throat, even as he shifted a little, looking conflicted as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

“If you _wanted_ it then… then no…” Luke said and there was something inquisitive in his voice, even as he bit his lip apprehensively, but the younger boy couldn’t _quite_ hide what was _almost_ lust in his eyes, and it smouldered there in the darkness, like Luke had tried to stamp it out but hadn’t quite been able to manage it.

Ashton wanted to watch Luke’s eyes _burn_.

“Will you do that to me _now_?” Ashton whispered and this was too weird now because it just wasn’t what they _did_ and yet – and yet it felt like maybe he _needed_ to do this because it had felt good once – a _long_ time ago now – and he didn’t want that memory to be wrecked forever, not when it was the first time he’d let himself be _truly_ vulnerable in front of Luke.

It felt like too important a memory to be destroyed, to just be written off and forgotten about, tucked away and hidden in a corner where he didn’t have to think about it anymore.

Luke swallowed audibly when he saw the resolve forming on Ashton’s face and his fingertips brushed the older boy’s cheek, cool and trembling as he touched the tanned skin stretching over the curly-haired boy’s cheekbone lightly.

“Not all the way... and only if you’re _sure_ ,” Luke breathed and Ashton was nodding before he’d even _really_ stopped to consider it. He wondered if he’d regret this decision but the knot in his chest was gone now – and he _knew_ it wasn’t going to come back again – and he felt like maybe this was something _important_ that they needed to do.

“I am,” Ashton whispered, kicking the duvet away, even as he began to feel _exposed_.

When Luke settled down over him gently and began to kiss him, Ashton responded fervently, with a hint of desperation, even as an embarrassingly needy sound escaped him as his fingers wound into Luke’s blond hair.

“Are you _sure_ you’re sure?” the blond boy whispered when they broke apart to _breathe_ again. His lips trailed distractedly down Ashton’s neck and the older boy’s heart gave a funny little skip in his chest, even as he huffed out a laugh at Luke’s words.

“ _Very_ sure,” Ashton promised and Luke sucked lightly at the older boy’s collarbone as his hands fell to the drawstring of Ashton’s pyjama trousers.

The blond boy eased them carefully down Ashton’s hips and he waited to feel the now-familiar flare of panic but it never came.

“You’re safe, Ashy,” Luke said needlessly, but Ashton appreciated it all the same and his large hand fell down to card gently through the blond boy’s flyaway hair. He wasn’t shaking anymore. “I _promise_ you are.”

“I know I’m safe, Lukey,” Ashton promised, his breath hitching when Luke sucked his neck hard enough to bruise. “I’m with you.”

Luke tried to hide his smile by ducking his head so that he could concentrate on removing Ashton’s trousers and boxers _completely_ but the older boy still saw it, and he was _glad_ he had because it made _him_ want to smile too and – wow, they really _were_ as disgustingly cute as Michael had said.

“Love you,” Ashton breathed and Luke’s smile widened even _more_ as Ashton clumsily kicked his trousers and boxers off when Luke got them caught around his ankles.

“Love you _too_ , silly,” Luke smiled and he looked so _soft_ as he gazed down at Ashton, his blond hair floppy on his forehead, almost _silvery_ in the moonlight creeping in through a gap in the curtains. His skin was creamy in the shadows, smooth and warm, and Luke’s ocean-blue eyes were like shards of sapphire.

Ashton just wanted Luke to **wreck** him.

The thought came out of nowhere and the smaller boy’s eyes widened fractionally because this was so **strange** – like _role-reversal_ almost – and Ashton wondered why this didn’t feel _wrong_.

Luke started to kiss down Ashton’s chest and the older boy could feel himself starting to harden, and maybe there wasn’t even a _reason_ for this to be wrong. They loved each other and they were together. It should be enough.

It _was_ enough.

When Luke sucked a bruise into Ashton’s hip, the older boy groaned low in his throat and, suddenly, he felt seventeen again, young and wide-eyed and frightened but _oh-so-turned-on_.

It was heady almost, the rush of emotions making him feel dazed, and Luke hadn’t even touched him _there_ yet. Ashton had a feeling he was probably about to _really_ embarrass himself but he couldn’t quite bring himself to care, and perhaps that said a lot about what the heat he could feel unfurling in his stomach was doing to his brain.

“ _Luke_ ,” Ashton mumbled, his breath catching when the taller boy gently spread his legs, and Ashton was still panting a little bit but there were goosebumps rising on his arms now because Luke was staring at – **_god_** – his _hole_.

Ashton’s mind had gone curiously blank.

“I just…” Luke’s voice trailed away and he leant down and _kissed_ it, and Ashton’s eyes were _so_ wide now as he clenched down, his bandaged hand flying to grip the younger boy’s shoulder in a sudden rush of shock.

“You’re just… _beautiful_.” Luke looked up at Ashton from between the older boy’s legs and Ashton’s hips jerked a little when Luke’s hot breath washed over him and – _god_ , he was getting _properly_ hard from this. “Are you _sure_ you don’t mind if I…?”

“What?” Ashton breathed, fisting the duvet so tightly that his sore hand ached.

Ashton was getting _really_ worked up now and, in answer to his question, Luke pressed another _harder_ kiss to his hole, with the faintest trace of _tongue_ this time.

Ashton moaned and the muscles in Luke’s broad, smooth shoulders rippled beneath Ashton’s bandaged hand. The blond boy looked up at Ashton again, his darkened gleaming eyes still loving even now, and Ashton let that comfort him.

“Ash?” Luke prompted and the older boy’s heart was racing now.

“Yeah, okay,” Ashton whispered and this was _strange_ because he did this to Luke all the time but he’d never let the blond boy return the favour before that moment. Luke’s eyes were dark with lust but they were _glittering_ almost. Ashton’s legs fell further apart. “ _Please_.”

It was one of those situations where you suddenly realised what was going on and wondered how you’d got to that point without really processing it properly, and Ashton's head was _reeling_ with it.

All he knew now was that no one had touched him _there_ since the damn nightclub and he hadn’t really been sure what he thought of this _anyway_ but Ashton was still trembling after his nightmare and he _needed_ the distraction, needed the comfort and the physical display of _love_ that being with the blond boy gave him, and when Luke pressed another kiss to his hole as he spread Ashton’s legs gently, his palms warm and soft as his fingers kneaded the older boy’s thighs comfortingly, Ashton thought he could probably live with this.

“ _Lukey_ ,” the curly-haired boy breathed, a contented sigh escaping him when he felt the first curl of Luke’s tongue. Ashton thought that this was something they could do sometimes, even though he preferred going down on Luke instead, because this felt _good_ and it made Luke happy, and that was all that really mattered in the end.

Their bedroom was dark, the moonlight painting the ceiling with streaks of silver and grey, and Luke’s blond hair was soft beneath Ashton’s palms as he stroked the older boy’s thighs reassuringly, licking at him as he worked his tongue deeper.

“ _Lu_ –” Ashton broke off, his voice hoarse.

His hips jerked back and he could _feel_ himself fluttering, and he wondered if he should feel _embarrassed_ but he just didn’t because it was **Luke** and he’d already _seen_ everything.

A broken whine escaped Ashton when Luke hitched the older boy’s hips up gently and pulled him closer, and the press of metal from Luke’s lip-ring felt icy against Ashton’s overheated skin.

“M-more,” Ashton whimpered when Luke’s tongue pressed into him hotly and the older boy’s voice cracked. “ _Please_.”

The taller boy raised his head slowly, his blond hair hanging over his dark eyes, his lips swollen. He rubbed his thumbs comfortingly into Ashton’s warm skin, pressing a kiss to the inside of one of the older boy’s thighs as they struggled to catch their breath.

“What do you want, Ash?” Luke asked softly and, very deliberately, Ashton guided Luke’s hand down. There was a very, _very_ small part of the older boy that was worried but he wasn’t _panicking_. He didn’t feel any **fear** now and Ashton thought, sometimes, that was all you could really hope for.

“ _Please_ ,” he breathed, _so_ hard now that his head was swimming with it. Everything else felt a bit distorted, like he was deep underwater and the only things he could focus on were Luke and the waves of pleasure rolling over him when the blond boy ducked his head to press a gentle kiss to the head of Ashton’s cock.

“ _Luke_!” Ashton groaned, pressing his eyes tightly shut before he tugged at Luke’s hand again, impatient now because the fire coiling in his stomach felt good but it wasn’t _enough_. He just felt frustrated and maybe Luke could see that because he stroked the older boy’s hipbone gently, even as he pulled away from Ashton completely, making the older boy grumble in protest.

“We need _lube_ , Ashy,” Luke reminded him shakily and Ashton choked on his complaints, watching Luke with cautious eyes, his pupils _blown_.

Luke snagged the little bottle from their bedside table and uncapped it, coating his finger with it, but he hesitated, biting his lip, and nothing had ever felt _safer_ to Ashton than trusting Luke did.

“I want this,” Ashton promised, his voice catching when Luke’s darkened eyes drifted down his chest, taking in the tensed muscles and his heaving breaths before the blond boy’s free hand drifted up to stroke the older boy’s cock.

Ashton shuddered, biting down on his bottom lip and losing himself in the sensation as Luke leant forward to kiss his chest. His lips were soft and warm, and Ashton loved him _so_ much.

“Ready?” Luke whispered, still looking a _little_ worried, and Ashton supposed that was fair enough because Luke really hadn’t done this in quite a while.

“Set, go!” Ashton mumbled, a slightly desperate giggle escaping him, and Luke was smiling like the cutest idiot ever when his lube-wet finger _finally_ brushed against Ashton. The older boy whined as his bandaged hand dropped down to grasp at the duvet.

Ashton’s moan was strangled when Luke pressed his fingertip in and the older boy tried to relax, tried to keep his breathing from growing erratic and ragged, and Luke looked _so_ proud as he stretched up to kiss Ashton softly.

“Love you,” Luke whispered against Ashton’s lips as his finger sank in deeper, and Ashton’s cheeks were flushed as heat washed over him because this was _so_ different. It didn’t even feel like the same _act._

“Love you too,” Ashton murmured, his face tucked into Luke’s neck as he pressed hot open-mouthed kisses to the soft skin there. Luke smiled softly against Ashton’s curls, apparently relieved, and when he started to fuck his finger gently into Ashton, the older boy almost swallowed his _tongue_.

Ashton’s hips jerked every time Luke’s finger thrust into him and he was making these little whimpering noises that probably made him sound _really_ stupid but Luke was gazing down at him lovingly like Ashton was all he’d ever wanted.

“You’re _perfect_ ,” Luke breathed and Ashton was falling apart – just like he’d _wanted_.

Luke’s finger was brushing his prostate and Ashton was almost _sobbing_ at how good it felt, moaning _far_ too loudly for half past two in the morning, and when Luke shuffled down the bed carefully while he continued the movement of his finger so that he could suck the tip of Ashton’s cock too, the smaller boy fell apart.

Ashton stilled, clenching down _so_ tightly around Luke’s finger that he was surprised it hadn’t _hurt_ , and then he was coming, wave after wave of pleasure crashing down over him as Luke stroked him through it.

Ashton was dimly aware of Luke gently removing his finger and kissing the older boy through the slight ache that movement caused, but Ashton’s head felt hazy and his eyes were beginning to droop shut when Luke let out a little whimper as he slumped down onto the bed beside Ashton, his cock a hard line in his boxers.

The older boy’s head slowly began to clear when he rolled over to capture Luke’s lips in a kiss and, when he licked into Luke’s mouth and the blond boy moaned beneath him as he clutched at his boyfriend desperately, Ashton felt the moment his heart mended.

Ashton kissed down Luke’s chest slowly, licking and letting his teeth graze gently until Luke was a writhing mess under him.

“ _Daddy_ ,” Luke gasped out and Ashton’s small, slightly _drunk_ smile only left his face when he eased the blond boy’s boxers down and ducked his head to take Luke gently into his mouth.

Luke rested heavily on Ashton’s tongue and the musky scent was almost overwhelming but it was _perfect_ because Luke’s nails were biting into his shoulders and he was fighting _so_ hard to keep from rocking up into Ashton’s mouth, and the older boy just appreciated it a lot.

Ashton was pretty sure he was nowhere _near_ as good at giving head as Luke was but the younger boy was giving these little choked-off moans as Ashton took as much of him as he could manage, and by the way Luke’s pupils were blown as he gripped Ashton’s shoulders tightly, it couldn’t have felt _bad_.

When Ashton’s chest began to feel a bit tight, he drew back, switching to using his hand instead as he leant down to kiss Luke’s chest again. Ashton sucked at Luke’s nipple, letting his teeth scrape it lightly, just as he smeared his thumb over the leaking tip of Luke’s cock, and watching the younger boy fall apart had never felt more satisfying than it did then.

“What pretty stuff do you want me to buy you, princess?” Ashton asked softly, the thought coming to him out of nowhere, his voice hoarse from crying and having Luke’s cock down his throat. The blond boy gazed up at him with wide, teary eyes as his lips parted in a silent gasp. His chest was splotchy and his eyes were almost _black_ , and he was so, _so_ close now.

“Because whatever it is,” Ashton continued, his voice rough before he ducked his head to lick at Luke’s nipple again. “I’ll get it for you, princess.”

Ashton stretched up to suck a love bite into the juncture between Luke’s neck and shoulder. The blond boy’s back arched off the bed as a moan ripped out of him and, when Ashton tightened his grip and twisted his wrist a little as Luke fucked his fist, the blond boy’s ocean-blue eyes rolled back into his head.

“All you gotta do is cum,” Ashton whispered.

Luke’s climax took them both by surprise in the end.

It ripped through him out of _nowhere_ and Ashton stroked him through it, only moving his hand and lying down beside Luke again – uncaring of the mess – when the blond boy wriggled away from him weakly, oversensitive now.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Luke mumbled ineloquently when his sleepy eyes fluttered open a few moments later. His bare chest was still rising and falling rapidly as his breathing hadn’t quite slowed yet but some of the colour in his cheeks had faded.

“I love you,” Ashton whispered, suddenly unsure of himself, and the older boy’s eyes were melted caramel when Luke leant forwards to kiss him softly.

“I love you too,” Luke promised when he broke away, pulling Ashton down for a sleepy hug, and the older boy stayed like that, with his cheek resting on Luke’s chest as the taller boy stroked his curls idly.

It was well gone three now and the exhaustion was slowly creeping up on both of them even as they kicked the duvet away to join their clothes on the floor because they were both too hot now (and in the back of Ashton’s mind, he found himself praying that Sharon wouldn’t decide to burst in the next morning with Shelly as another ‘Surprise Wake Up’ because she’d get more than she bargained for _then_ ).

Ashton felt Luke stiffen a little when the blond boy’s eyes settled on the ugly scar stretching across Ashton’s thigh – a mark of _just_ how close they’d come to almost losing each other – and Ashton had to swallow past the lump in his throat when Luke’s eyes got shiny with tears as he pressed his lips together hard.

Ashton kissed the bottom of Luke’s jaw softly and the taller boy’s arms wrapped around him warmly, even as he glanced down at his fingers and frowned faintly.

“You weren’t scared,” Luke breathed suddenly, looking perplexed, and it took Ashton a moment to remember how this had all began.

His cheeks flushed scarlet but he smiled sleepily, relaxing further when one of Luke’s hands dropped down to idly trace shapes into the tanned skin of his back. When Ashton felt what was quite distinctly a heart, his lips twitched weakly.

“Of course I wasn’t scared,” Ashton mumbled as his eyes finally slid shut. Luke’s bare chest was rising and falling more slowly now as his breathing gentled, and Luke’s hands were a warm comforting weight on the older boy's back, grounding him.

Ashton spoke once more that night before sleep finally took him, and it set Luke’s heart at ease to hear the older boy say those words:

“I’m never scared when I’m with you, Luke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this didn't totally suck! It took me two days to write which is kind of awkward but whatever...  
> Anyway, please let me know what you thought!  
>  **The Thing** is happening soon and then you're all going to hate me so could you be nice to me now? Please and thank you  <3  
> *hides*


	126. That Hurt The Most

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke broke down in tears and Ashton drew in a ragged gasp, looking torn as he stared between Luke’s anguished face and the blade in his hand._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is okay!  
> Sorry for the angst!

**_Yeah I've been feeling everything,_ **

**_From hate to love,_ **

**_From love to lust,_ **

**_From lust to truth._ **

**_I guess that's how I know you,_ **

**_So I hold you close to help you give it up._ **

_\- Kiss Me, Ed Sheeran_

 

By the end of June – and honestly, it felt like one of the longest months of Luke’s _life_ – the younger boy had completed all of his exams and uploaded a few covers onto YouTube at Michael’s insistence. The blue-haired boy had sent Luke a few texts which generally seemed to include their increased number of subscribers and _far_ too many exclamation marks.

It would have maybe been _endearing_ if Michael hadn’t seemed slightly _manic_ on those rare occasions when Luke bumped into him.

Really though, if Michael looking like he was going a bit crazy frightened Luke, then Calum _terrified_ him because, quite honestly, the dark-haired boy looked like _death_.

Those words echoed around Luke’s head sometimes, keeping him awake late at night, because that was the description Ashton had sobbed out when he’d limped home from the one and only day he’d tried to attend school that month.

Luke had held Ashton close, rubbed his back and kissed his forehead while he promised his boyfriend that this _wasn’t_ Ashton’s fault, that he _hadn’t_ been neglecting anyone because this wasn’t his _job_ , damnit, but Luke knew the curly-haired boy didn’t believe him.

Ashton had cried a lot during these past few days and Luke couldn’t understand _why_.

It had finally seemed like everything was getting _better_ and then, that morning, Luke had woken up and rolled over in bed to look at Ashton, and the smaller boy had been lying there with almost _bruise_ -like circles beneath his eyes as he stared up at the ceiling through glassy eyes, looking for all the world like he hadn’t had even a _moment_ of sleep.

“Ash?” Luke asked fearfully and the hazel-eyed boy had blinked to clear his eyes before he let his head loll to the side, so he could see his boyfriend properly. “Ashy, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Ashton replied, his voice raspy like he’d cried until he was dry of tears. Luke’s heart ached. “Yeah, just thinking too much.”

Luke sucked on his lip-ring as his tired blue eyes quickly became alarmed and his: “That’s what I was _afraid_ of” was nowhere near quiet enough.

The pair of them lounged around in their bedroom for most of the day.

Luke drifted into the kitchen at infrequent intervals to get them snacks while Ashton revised for the exams he’d be able to take in two months’ time in the centre his school had suggested, and Luke felt bad when he found himself just lingering in the cool quiet of the kitchen, listening to the gentle ticking of the clock and luxuriating in the fact that there was no _tension_ out here, (except for what was rolling off Luke in _waves_ , that is).

Every time Luke came back into their room, Ashton was a little quieter, a little more grey-faced. He was gripping his biro so tightly that his knuckles had gone white and his curls were tied back messily with a bandana, and Luke wanted to hold him but he wasn’t sure if Ashton _wanted_ him to, and maybe that was the part that hurt the most.

By evening, Luke had switched the lamps on in their bedroom and ordered takeaway pizza since Sharon was spending the night with two of her friends out of town. Luke had already fed Shelly and the blond boy was lying on top of the duvet on their bed now, idly watching YouTube videos with his headphones on while his boyfriend insisted on finishing his revision.

It took Luke longer than it should have to realise that Ashton was no longer lying in bed beside him, and even _longer_ to notice that the smaller boy was sitting slumped on the floor instead, hunched over with his back to Luke as he rummaged through his backpack furtively, like he was looking for something that he didn’t want the blond boy to see.

Luke removed his headphones noiselessly and the pain in his chest _tripled_ when he heard a tiny sniff, like Ashton was trying to keep from crying.

Luke rose shakily and the creak of the bedsprings alerted Ashton to the fact that he’d been spotted.

“You... you picked it up off the floor...” Luke whispered, his eyes widening with shock when he saw the little piece of metal gripped too-tightly in between Ashton’s large, shaking fingers.

“You… you were going to… to _hurt_ yourself…”

Luke’s voice sounded _dead_ , like all of his fears and worries were finally catching up with him in the form of fatigue, but the slight hint of **dread** in his tone was impossible to miss.

Ashton flinched like Luke had _hit_ him or something, and the blond boy felt bile rise in his throat at the terror he could see on the older boy’s face.

“Ash,” Luke breathed and his voice was shaking now, even as the colour drained from his own face because Ashton looked like he couldn’t _breathe_ properly now.

“I still want to cut,” Ashton gasped out and there was _panic_ in his hazel eyes and, although Luke felt cold dread flood through him at the confirmation, he struggled to keep it off his face.

“But you haven’t,” Luke whispered, grateful that his voice hadn’t shaken when he’d spoken.

“I don’t know _how_ I haven't,” Ashton breathed, his voice thick with tears. He was half-facing Luke now though and the younger boy could see how his chest heaved as he fought to keep his sobs inside.

Luke knelt down on the floor in front of Ashton, suppressing his own panic with difficulty as he reached out hesitantly with a shaky hand to grip Ashton’s shoulder gently.

“You’re so _strong_ ,” Luke said and his voice was trembling now, breaking and cracking as his emotions roared through him. “And I’m _so_ proud of you.”

Ashton seemed to almost _melt_ back into Luke, crumpling into the taller boy’s arms, even as he _continued_ to grip the blade between his fingers. Luke swallowed past the lump in his throat that was doing its best to choke him.

“But it… it scares me so _much_ , Ashy,” Luke found himself whispering as he carded his fingers gently through Ashton’s curls, working out the tangles as he dropped his head to kiss Ashton’s sweaty forehead softly. “Because... if you don’t tell me then… then I can’t _help_ you.”

Ashton slumped back against Luke as the tears continued to roll but his breath came a little easier now, and he tilted his head back so that he could look at the blond boy properly. Luke shut his eyes for a moment, fighting not to cry as he pressed a light kiss to the corner of the curly-haired boy’s mouth.

“That’s why I didn’t _do_ it,” Ashton whispered, like he was _frightened_.

“What?” Luke whispered, curling his pale fingers around the older boy’s jaw and rubbing the pad of his thumb gently over the bruised circle beneath one of Ashton’s tired eyes.

“I didn’t cut.” Ashton closed his eyes, like he was _ashamed_ almost, and Luke’s heart felt like it was tearing itself to pieces in his chest. “I _want_ to – so, _so_ badly – but I want for you not to be scared even _more_ than I want that... so… so I’m trying. I _promise_ I am.”

Luke couldn’t fight back his tears anymore. The raw _agony_ in Ashton’s voice was painful to even _listen_ to but Luke could see the turmoil in Ashton’s _eyes_ , and it _burnt_ Luke.

“Ashy –” he gasped out but the older boy’s eyes were tightly shut now and his breath was coming in gasps again.

“It feels like I’m being torn into millions of tiny little pieces but I’m _trying_ , damnit! That should be _enough_ for you! I thought that would be _enough_ …”

“Ashy, god, _please_ ,” Luke sobbed, tearing at his hair with his free hand, even as – with the other – he held Ashton so, _so_ close to his chest. “It _is_ enough. _You’re_ enough. You’re so, _so_ much more than enough! I – please, god, don’t cry, Ashton, _please_. I _love_ you – more than you’ll _ever_ understand. You _saved_ me and I – I – _please_ –”

Luke broke down in tears and Ashton drew in a ragged gasp, looking torn as he stared between Luke’s anguished face and the blade in his hand.

“I’m sorry,” Ashton breathed shakily before he gently tugged Luke’s hand out of his flattened hair. “I’m _so_ sorry.”

Luke’s hand fell to rest – palm up – on Ashton’s thigh and the older boy exhaled shakily before he dropped the blade into Luke’s hand.

“I don’t want this anymore,” Ashton whispered and Luke just stared down at him in shock, remembering the cold terror he’d felt when Ashton had tried to kill himself, and the pain must have shown on Luke’s face because Ashton closed Luke’s fingers around the blade weakly – Luke felt _sick_ – and Ashton didn’t cry but he was shaking as he fell forward into Luke’s arms.

“We’ve changed so much,” Ashton mumbled suddenly, his voice muffled against Luke’s jumper, and the younger boy looked down at Ashton curiously, even as the tears continued to spill down his cheeks and he wrapped an arm around the smaller boy’s waist, the blade an icy burn in his other hand.

“We hated each other... and now we love each other...” Ashton was speaking in a curiously detached tone, like everything had finally grown to be too much for him and he couldn’t take it anymore, but Luke suddenly knew exactly how he felt.

“I love you _so_ much,” Luke whispered and, although Ashton didn’t reply other than to grip Luke’s jumper even tighter as he soaked it with fresh tears, the blond boy hadn’t _expected_ him to.

He opened his hand and the blade was glinting in the lamplight. Luke stared at it for a long, long time as Ashton slowly tried to regain control but, when the older boy finally raised his head, Luke closed his hand so quickly that the blade bit into his skin.

He winced, his eyes widening fractionally when Ashton stared up into the pain on his face and let out another sob.

“It’s okay,” Luke whispered, loosening his fist with difficulty and cringing a bit when he felt the slippery wetness of blood on his palm. “Ash, please, it’s okay. Just don’t cry.”

Ashton looked _wrecked_ as he sat curled up in Luke’s lap and the blond boy closed his eyes for a moment, forcing himself to steady his breathing, but neither moved until the sun had set outside the window and the moon was high in the sky.

“Come on, Ash,” Luke said at last, and he sounded _old_. “We’re going for a walk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! <3


	127. The Storm Passed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“We’re going to throw your damn razor blade into the Pacific ocean, Ashton!” Luke cried, raising his voice to be heard over the sound of the wind and the distant rumble of thunder._  
>  _“This is insane!” Ashton shouted and there was thunder rumbling closer overhead now, even as the howling wind stole his slightly hysterical laughter and tossed it out into the night sky._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was weird to write but I found it sort of comforting idk.  
> I hope you'll enjoy <3

**_Hung my head as I lost the war,_ **

**_And the sky turned black like a perfect storm._ **

_\- Clean, Taylor Swift_

 

The pier was cold that night. The wind was howling like a wolf, and the waves were crashing against the stony beach and dragging the pebbles and driftwood back out to sea in its tempestuous waters.

Ashton was shaking but it wasn’t from the cold.

He’d dressed in a daze at Luke’s urging, struggling into a sweatshirt and his coat, and even going as far as to loop a scarf around his neck. Luke was dressed similarly and Ashton was holding the taller boy’s hand tightly in his own larger one. Somehow, Luke’s felt unusually warm despite the freezing weather, like the bitter darkness just washed over him harmlessly.

Ashton thought Luke had always been a bit like that.

There was a plaster on Luke’s palm from where he’d nicked it with the blade and Ashton felt the guilt overwhelm him as they stood side by side at the end of the pier. He raised Luke’s sore hand and kissed his knuckles gently, and the déjà vu was almost overpowering.

The rotting wood creaked beneath them as the salt water battered the pier and Ashton wondered vaguely how safe they really were out here, or if the wood was liable to break apart beneath them and send them toppling into the surf.

Ashton could see it happening for a moment, could picture the icy water dragging them down into its avaricious depths, could almost _feel_ Luke’s hands grasping at his own as the water crashed over them and the moon became nothing but a blur through the surface in the moments before the darkness washed over him and he got to _sleep_.

Ashton knew it couldn’t be anything like that really though.

Luke’s hand would be ripped from his in _seconds_ and the reality of it was a lot less poetic and numbing, because it would mean that Luke was _dead_ , that he’d suffered the _agony_ of drowning or freezing to death in icy water, and Ashton had never wanted anything _less_.

“Ashton,” Luke murmured, snapping him out of it as he wrapped his arm lightly around the smaller boy's waist, anchoring him in place. Ashton wondered if his dark thoughts had shown on his face. “If you jump in there, I’m going to have to climb in to get you out again, and I’m going to be _supremely_ pissed if you make me mess my hair up,” Luke said and, although his tone was surprisingly light, there was something sadder and more serious in his ocean-blue eyes.

Ashton huffed out a small laugh, stretching up on his tiptoes to brush a gentle kiss against Luke’s lips.

“I wouldn’t,” he promised but he bit on his bottom lip uneasily as Luke came to stand behind him with his arms wrapped securely around Ashton’s waist, partly to keep him warm but also _maybe_ because he didn’t completely trust him.

“Why’re we here, Lukey? It’s freezing,” Ashton complained and, as though to prove his point, an icy rain began to fall, pounding down from the stormy skies with raindrops the size of bullets.

“We’re going to throw your damn razor blade into the Pacific ocean, Ashton!” Luke cried, raising his voice to be heard over the sound of the wind and the distant rumble of thunder, even though his mouth was _right_ next to Ashton’s ear.

Lightning tore the sky apart and the rain was _bitter_ as it pounded against their upturned faces, and it all felt _cleansing_ somehow, _unreal_ almost, like none of this was actually happening at all.

“This is insane!” Ashton shouted and there was thunder rumbling closer overhead now, even as the howling wind stole his slightly hysterical laughter and tossed it out into the night sky.

“I know!” Luke yelled back and he was laughing too, his arms like iron around Ashton’s waist, keeping him from falling into oblivion. “Now _do_ it, damnit!” Luke shouted, flinching a bit when a particularly large wave drenched them with icy water and forked lightning flashed again. “I’m not losing you again, Ashton! I swear it!”

Ashton felt Luke pressing something carefully into his hand and the hairs on the back of his neck rose when he looked down at the blood-stained blade. Luke kissed the back of his neck through the scarf and Ashton felt something cold inside him that he hadn’t even realised was _there_ melt away.

He closed his hand around the blade and Luke’s hands dropped to hold his waist firmly as Ashton brought his arm back, poised to throw.

The storm was louder than ever now, raging on right above their heads, and the waves were battering the rotting wood and the pier was creaking, like it was _moments_ away from giving up the ghost, and Luke was whispering: “I love you so much” and that was all it took.

Ashton’s arm snapped forwards and his hand opened and the blade wheeled out into the darkness.

Ashton liked to imagine that he heard the moment when the ocean swallowed it but he knew that couldn’t be true because the loudest clap of thunder yet had sounded as the rain poured down like tears and the pier seemed to almost _tip_ beneath them.

“We need to get off here I think,” Luke said with a touch of concern but Ashton barely heard him. His heart was racing in his chest and he felt so _light_ , like he would have drifted off into the rainy sky if it wasn’t for Luke suddenly gripping his free hand tightly.

“ _Ash_!” Luke shouted just as there was a sharp crack and, abruptly, Ashton found it difficult to stay upright because the planks of wood were _literally_ splintering and crumbling into the sea as the wind battered them. “ **Run**!”

Ashton’s trainers slipped on the damp wood but Luke’s grip on his hand was unbreakable and, whenever he slipped or the crumbling planks beneath his feet threatened to send him into the churning ocean below, Luke just tightened his hold and kept them going.

Ashton thought Luke did that a lot.

The rain was _blinding_ Ashton – although some of that might have been tears too – and his heart felt like it was in his _throat_ as the pair of them threw themselves through the splintering arch and onto solid ground on the other side, just as the last planks broke away and disappeared down into the dark water.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ashton breathed and Luke was shuddering violently beside him, his lips almost _blue_ with the cold, and his hand didn’t feel even _remotely_ warm anymore.

Ashton crawled towards a tree a few feet away and leant back against it, opening his coat and shivering at the cold night air, even as Luke surged forwards and pressed himself up against Ashton’s chest, soaking up his body heat.

“That was _stupid_ ,” Luke muttered, shaking his head ruefully as his hair dripped water into his eyes, but he didn’t have to raise his voice to be heard anymore because, as quickly as it had appeared, the storm passed.

“Yeah, it was,” Ashton agreed through chattering teeth, slipping his cold hands clumsily under Luke’s jumper and feeling a bit evil when Luke jerked away, hitting him weakly.

Even the wind had quietened down now and the storm clouds were rolling away, off to wreak havoc somewhere else. Ashton could see glimpses of the stars now, and the ocean looked almost _peaceful_.

“You threw it,” Luke suddenly realised, his voice a little awestruck, and Ashton ducked his head, pressing his cold nose to the warmth of Luke’s neck and hiding his face there.

“I hope it doesn’t hurt the fishes,” he muttered and Luke gave a tiny shaky laugh, even as he twisted so that he could see his boyfriend’s tired face properly.

“I think the fishes will probably be alright, Ash,” Luke said in a slightly scathing tone that seemed forced somehow. “People throw _shopping trolleys_ into the ocean. A little bit of metal will probably _not_ make that much difference in the long run.”

“Well, _yeah_ , but… but maybe I should have thrown it somewhere else,” Ashton disagreed, stroking Luke’s back in wide comforting circles now that his hands had warmed up a little bit. Luke gave a contented little murmuring sound, kissing the underside of Ashton’s jaw as he considered that.

“Nonsense. This was poetic or something,” the blond boy said at last, smiling to show he was joking, even as he glanced doubtfully towards the icy water. “Besides, do _you_ want to jump in there to get it back out again? Because I don’t. And I _really_ doubt you’d find it again. Also, the water looks cold. Y’know, _really_ cold… so I’d probably avoid that if I were you.”

There was a long pause and Ashton fought not to smile.

“Remind me again why I love you?” he teased, dropping his head to kiss Luke’s lips softly. They felt a little warmer now and Ashton held him closer, relieved.

“It’s my stunning good looks I think,” Luke said, pushing his damp hair away from his forehead and aiming for a pout. It didn’t _quite_ meet the mark. “That and my majestic quiff anyway,” Luke said carelessly but his eyes were twinkling a bit. “You’re just jealous of it I think.”

“Shut up before I push you off the damn pier,” Ashton muttered, even as he and Luke _both_ fought smirks. The older boy frowned suddenly. “Or… y’know… what’s _left_ of the pier…”

Luke rolled his eyes, snuggling closer and rubbing his cheek subtly against the softness of Ashton’s scarf, like he’d done that day with the patchwork quilt in Sharon’s basement.

“Yes, daddy,” Luke said, glancing up at Ashton through his eyelashes as he sucked on his lip-ring innocently.

“Stop,” Ashton said flatly, looking away so Luke wouldn’t see the amusement in his eyes. The blond boy pouted a bit, turning so that he could gently tug Ashton’s scarf away and mouth at the warm column of his throat, his teeth grazing lightly against the skin.

Ashton’s breath hitched and he shifted uncomfortably with Luke on his lap.

“… Are you trying to distract me with sex?” Ashton asked after a moment and Luke nodded, grinning.

“Yeah,” he said and he got to his feet swiftly, shrugging like he _hadn’t_ just made Ashton half-hard out in _public_ like the little shit he was. “Is it working?”

“Kind of,” Ashton muttered but he accepted Luke’s outstretched hand calmly enough. “C’mon then. Let’s go home. I want to fuck you until you can't walk tomorrow.”

Luke stumbled, letting out this _tiny_ little whimper that he tried to hide behind his hands, and Ashton’s smirk was real, even as he reached out and took Luke’s hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“But only if you _want_ to, obviously,” he said quietly and Luke’s ocean-blue eyes were bright.

“Of course I do,” the blond boy grinned before his expression suddenly became a lot softer and sweeter, like melting caramel almost.

“I hope you know how proud I am of you though,” he said after a moment, sounding a bit choked up. Ashton squeezed his hand tighter. “Because I _am_ ,” Luke said roughly, sniffing and trying in vain to dry his cheeks with the damp sleeve of his coat. “So, _so_ proud.”

“I love you,” Ashton whispered back and Luke relaxed, like that was all he needed to hear.

They walked up the winding road together in silence, listening to the gentle roll of the waves and the cry of a single crow circling overhead, and Ashton didn’t feel like he was treading water anymore, let _alone_ sinking or drowning, because he was _swimming_ now, swimming along with the blond boy beside him, and he knew the waves wouldn’t be able to drag them down now.

Ashton was pretty sure he could survive _anything_ if he had Luke there –

And he _did_.

 **Always**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lashton are finally in the clear!  
> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> Also, I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to you all for reading because it really does mean the whole world!  
> We are _so_ nearly done now... Just _one_ more Thing left... and I think you all know who it concerns now too...


	128. The Band That Never Was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Michael and Calum stared at each other without avoiding their gazes like they usually did and there was so much tension crackling between them – like electricity almost – that it put Ashton on edge, and the only thing that kept him calm was Luke rubbing his hip gently with his thumb and pressing subtle kisses to the side of his neck._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like this chapter too much but I got 2 hours sleep, I broke 3 of my toes today, and I'm going to a concert tomorrow, so to be honest, this is about as good as it's going to get. Hopefully it doesn't suck and I promise to write something less shit soon...

**_We don’t know where to go, so I’ll just get lost with you._ **

**_We’ll never fall apart, ‘cause we fit together right, we fit together right._ **

**_These dark clouds over me, rain down and roll away._ **

**_We’ll never fall apart, ‘cause we fit together like,_ **

**_Two piece of a broken heart._ **

_\- Two Pieces, Demi Lovato_

 

The next day was strange to say the least, due in part to Sharon waking Ashton and Luke up by ringing a bell _very_ loudly through their bedroom window, but mainly due to the fact that they managed to get Calum and Michael in the same room together.

There was something strange going on between them – or more strange than _usual_ anyway.

Michael and Calum stared at each other without avoiding their gazes like they usually did and there was so much tension crackling between them – like electricity almost – that it put Ashton on edge, and the only thing that kept him calm was Luke rubbing his hip gently with his thumb and pressing subtle kisses to the side of his neck.

The four of them were sitting around in the basement, Ashton and Luke on the sofa, Michael slumped on the bean bag, and Calum leaning awkwardly against the poster-covered wall, his arms wrapped tightly around himself as he trembled a little at the chill in the room.

He looked _scarily_ thin now, just bones covered by a thin membrane of skin, all bluish veins and cold to the touch. He was dressed in a thick grey jumper and dark sweatpants, and Ashton had a sneaking suspicion that it was because he couldn’t find anything else that fit him _and_ hid his body from view.

There was something dark in Michael’s emerald eyes as he stared at the football captain, taking in Calum’s trembling fingers and thinning, feathery hair as Calum seemed to almost fold in on himself a little.

The atmosphere in the garage was strained.

“So...” Luke said after a long moment, breaking the silence and looking incredibly uncomfortable when three pairs of equally-uneasy eyes settled on his face. “Ash gave his notice in at the garage this morning.”

Calum’s brows drew together faintly, even as Michael frowned, straightening up a little.

“So what are you going to spend your weekends doing then?” the blue-haired boy asked, rolling his eyes when Ashton smirked weakly and Luke ducked his head, his cheeks blushing.

“Real nice,” Michael said, raising an eyebrow and crossing his arms over his chest. “I thought you were going to say ‘playing music’ or something... Can’t say I’m surprised though. Horny bastards.”

Calum gave a slightly hysterical laugh, his cheeks _flaming_ , and Michael fell silent, biting down hard on his bottom lip like he was ashamed of something. Ashton exchanged a confused glance with Luke because it seemed _almost_ as though Michael and Calum had –

“So you’re still neglecting your drum kit then?” the blue-haired boy continued, taking on a slightly obnoxious tone of voice now, like he was trying to distract everyone. Ashton wondered if Michael _knew_ that it wasn’t working.

“Kind of,” the curly-haired boy muttered, giving a half-hearted shrug. “It’s not like it really matters anymore though, is it? The Band That Never Was doesn’t exactly require a drum kit...”

“Oh, don’t be like that,” Michael said dismissively, even as Luke held Ashton closer, like he could tell how much those words had hurt to say, _despite_ Ashton trying to pretend that it didn’t matter.

“Loads of people are still watching our videos,” Luke said fairly and Calum’s hollow eyes came to settle on Ashton’s face, taking in the pain and the guilt there. Ashton shuddered.

“We should start uploading videos again,” Michael said firmly but there was a slight edge to his voice that made him sound like he was fraying at the edges, starting to lose his grip on reality almost. Looking at Michael’s wild eyes now made Ashton feel... _wary_...

“Playing music together was always fun,” Luke agreed hesitantly and Calum ignored Michael’s jerky nod, like he didn’t really care anymore even though it was expected of him.

“We can’t play without a bass player,” Ashton breathed but the other boys in the basement chose that moment to fall inconveniently silent and Calum stiffened like Ashton had poured icy water over him.

“It’s true,” Luke whispered and Michael’s eyes were baleful as he glared at the pair of them, and Ashton didn’t understand what had _changed_. By the confusion on Luke’s face, he didn’t know what to make of it either.

“Maybe we should _all_ start playing again,” Luke said but his voice was soft and uncertain, and Calum pushed away from the wall uneasily, his dark eyes darting around furtively like he was scared of something that the other three couldn’t see.

“Gotta go,” Calum mumbled, fixing his eyes on the colourful rug stretched across the floor before a shudder ran through him and he tightened his bony arms around himself. “Bye,” he muttered, disappearing up the stairs swiftly, although his breath was ragged by the time he reached the top of the short flight of stairs, like even _that_ had exhausted him.

Ashton’s eyes were watery with tears and Michael made a small hurt sound that he quickly tried to smother behind the too-long sleeves of his sweatshirt. Luke reached out weakly but he faltered before he touched the blue-haired boy, like he wanted to grip Michael’s shoulder comfortingly but wasn’t sure if he was _allowed_ anymore, and Michael was on his feet too, his eyes wilder than ever and _burning_.

Ashton flinched away, tucking his face into Luke’s neck so that he didn’t have to look anymore. It was cowardly and fucking _pathetic_ but Ashton couldn’t help it. Looking at Michael and Calum scared him too much now, _especially_ when he remembered that Graham still hadn’t been able to do anything to help.

“See you at school if you ever bother to come back,” Michael muttered, a bit harshly if Ashton was being honest with himself, and then he was gone too, striding up the stairs with his jaw set, even as his emerald eyes gleamed with unshed tears.

Luke’s grip tightened around the smaller boy protectively when he stiffened as the front door slammed shut loudly behind Michael, rattling in its hinges.

“Shit,” Luke breathed but Ashton kept his face tucked away, biting back his tears as he clung to Luke. He felt _afraid_ , like if he loosened his grip then the younger boy might vanish forever.

“I’ve got you,” Luke whispered comfortingly, kissing the top of Ashton’s head and caressing the soft skin at the back of his neck gently with his fingertips. “I’ll _always_ have you, and you’ll always have me.”

Ashton sniffed mournfully, pressing a slightly damp kiss to Luke’s neck as he stroked the short golden hairs growing at the base of Luke’s skull gently.

“I thought we were all going to get _better_ ,” Ashton confessed, sounding like his _heart_ was breaking apart in his chest. “I thought this band was going to be our ticket out of here.”

Luke choked on a sob but his arms tightened even more and he pulled Ashton gently into his lap, kissing the older boy’s forehead softly as a tear rolled down Luke’s pale cheek. He held Ashton close.

“Maybe it still could be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought if that wasn't too terrible <3  
> Stuff's about to get bad real soon. (Like, in the next 1 or 2 chapters soon tbh...)
> 
> Also... Malum did something... Can you guess what?


	129. Purple Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton thought maybe the part that surprised him most was that he felt nothing but_ calm _as he sat back on his heels to ease Luke’s jeans and boxers down his long, pale legs. Usually Ashton felt a fluttering of nervousness, like he was worried that he wasn’t going to do a good job or something, but he still just felt content and relaxed and_ in love _, and it was such a welcome change._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last fluffy chapter for a while!  
> These lyrics are so Lashton though oh my god... <3  
> Enjoy :)

**_‘Cause you leave me speechless,_ **

**_When you talk to me._ **

**_You leave me breathless,_ **

**_The way you look at me._ **

**_You manage to disarm me._ **

**_My soul is shining through._ **

**_I can’t help but surrender,_ **

**_My everything to you._ **

_\- Speechless, The Veronicas_

 

It was early evening and the sun was already beginning to sink, painting the skies with reds and pinks and oranges, so vibrant that it looked like it was almost _ablaze_.

Sharon had taken Shelly to stay with her friend in Victoria for the weekend since apparently there was another cat there that her cherub liked, and neither Ashton nor Luke had said anything because, quite honestly, a weekend on their own sounded pretty damn amazing.

The light in the living room was switched off but the sky outside lit the room with a hazy orange glow, and there was a crow wheeling in the fiery immensity of the sky as the water in the swimming pool reflected the light in ripples against the bungalow.

Luke was sat on the cracked leather sofa with his guitar balanced carefully in his lap as he played the familiar chords of Deep Purple’s ‘Smoke On The Water’. The black metal of his lip-ring glinted in the late sunlight and his blond hair was free of its quiff for once, just beginning to gently curl as it lay flat on his forehead.

He was wearing a dark blue flannel with the top few buttons undone to reveal the pale skin of his throat as he sat cross-legged, his thighs warming in the sunlight inside his black skinny jeans. His feet were bare.

Luke just looked _soft_ sitting there and, despite the unease that still lingered in Ashton when he remembered the awkwardness that morning after Michael and Calum had come round – and the worry Ashton could feel bubbling low inside him because he had decided to try and go back to school on Tuesday – the older boy still felt a gentle smile tugging at his lips when Luke’s tongue poked out a little as he concentrated.

The sofa that the younger boy was sitting on was covered with a threadbare blanket patterned with sunflowers, more than a little frayed now after years of Shelly scratching it, but Luke’s old drawing of ballerinas was still fixed to the wall above his head, and Ashton had never been more in love than he was then.

Luke’s fingers danced across the steel strings with a grace that Ashton had never seen before and his ocean-blue eyes were _sparkling_ almost, like sunshine on seawater, the silver flecks in Luke’s eyes almost _golden_ in this light.

Ashton scrambled up from where he’d been sitting on the floor, crossing the room in his socks and dropping down inelegantly onto the sofa beside Luke. The blond boy suppressed a smile at Ashton’s clumsiness, setting his guitar safely down on the coffee table nearby before he twisted back around to look at his boyfriend.

Luke’s thin lips were twisting up into a smile as he settled back, letting his head fall to rest on the sunflower-covered armrest as Ashton settled down over him gently. The older boy rested his forehead in the gentle curve of Luke’s neck as the taller boy slipped his hands beneath Ashton’s loose Slipknot t-shirt, stroking the warm skin idly.

“I love you, Lukey,” Ashton breathed, his curls falling into his eyes as he held onto Luke’s broad shoulder comfortingly, feeling the muscle shift beneath the layer of dark blue fabric.

Luke stretched down, leaning forwards so that he could press a gentle kiss to Ashton’s forehead.

“I love you too, Ashy,” he said softly and Ashton suddenly wanted so _much_.

He wanted Calum and Michael to mend, wanted the four of them to start uploading videos again and to actually _achieve_ something this time. He wanted to make music that people would listen to when they felt down like Ashton had once because then he might actually be making a difference to people’s lives.

He wanted for everything to be _more_ than okay. He wanted it to be **good** because they _deserved_ that now, and he could finally see it.

Ashton wanted smaller things too though, things that were probably a bit more realistic.

He wanted to eat the banoffee pie from the fridge that he’d had his eye on for days. He wanted to go to a gig and hold his boyfriend’s hand and drink cheap beer and sing along until his voice was hoarse.

He wanted to kiss Luke.

He could do that.

Ashton felt sleepy and content in the sunlight as he stretched up to catch Luke’s lips with his own, and the taller boy’s hands tightened on Ashton’s waist, encouraging him to press closer. Luke let out a contented sigh when Ashton did what he wanted, like it was all he’d been hoping for.

Luke deepened the kiss and his mouth tasted sweet, like _toffee_ almost, and Ashton made a hurt sound when he realised that, pulling away to look down at Luke with wounded eyes.

“You ate the banoffee pie,” he whined and Luke giggled, his sparkling eyes scrunching up beautifully, even as his breath caught when Ashton ducked his head to suck gently at the exposed skin of Luke’s throat, causing bruises to form on the younger boy’s pale skin like purple roses.

“I didn’t even _like_ the banana part,” Luke confessed, his breath catching again when he felt Ashton’s teeth scraping lightly against his collarbone. “I threw that bit in the _bin_.”

“Traitor,” Ashton muttered, hiding his smile in Luke’s neck and feeling a deep sense of satisfaction when he felt the blond boy beginning to harden against Ashton’s hip.

“Sit up for me, princess,” the older boy said and, although Luke looked a little puzzled, he did as Ashton asked, shifting so that he was sitting up properly with his feet resting on the rug covering the floor.

Ashton leant forwards to kiss Luke lightly before he knelt down on the floor between the blond boy’s legs, relieved when his thigh barely ached. Ashton was healing.

“ _Oh_ ,” Luke whispered as he looked down at his boyfriend, his eyes darkening when Ashton sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, glancing up at Luke through his eyelashes. “ _Please_ ,” the blond boy breathed when Ashton hesitated, waiting for Luke’s consent before he carefully unzipped Luke’s jeans and urged the taller boy closer.

Ashton thought maybe the part that surprised him most was that he felt nothing but _calm_ as he sat back on his heels to ease Luke’s jeans and boxers down his long, pale legs. Usually Ashton felt a fluttering of nervousness, like he was worried that he wasn’t going to do a good job or something, but he still just felt content and relaxed and _in love_ , and it was such a welcome change.

“ _Daddy_ ,” Luke gasped when Ashton finally wrapped his hand around the blond boy’s cock, fisting him slowly as he spread the pre-cum with his thumb. Luke’s hips shifted and he let out a little whine.

Ashton swallowed, fighting a slight smirk as he let his large hands fall to rest on Luke’s bare thighs. The bandage had been removed from his palm now and even that was healing. Soon it would be little more than a puckered, faded mark on his skin – one of _thousands_ really.

Luke’s hips jerked when Ashton switched his hand for his mouth and the blond boy fisted the blanket tightly, his breath coming in short gasps when Ashton began to suck gently, his tongue toying with the slit.

“ _Ashy,_ ” Luke moaned, whimpering softly and pressing his head back into the sofa cushions as his little fingers curled gently into Ashton’s hair. The older boy managed not to smile but he could _feel_ the fondness and love flooding his eyes, saw it reflected back at him when Luke finally looked down at him, the younger boy frowning in concentration.

Ashton’s palms were warm as he stroked Luke’s thighs comfortingly and the older boy pushed forwards, taking more of the blond boy into his mouth.

Luke’s face had gone all squinty and screwed up as his chest heaved, and Ashton thought Luke looked _beyond_ adorable as the blond boy bit at his lip-ring, moaning and tossing his head, almost _beside_ himself now, and Ashton decided then that he should go down on Luke more often.

The older boy couldn’t believe how affected _he_ was too, but he was. He _really_ was. His jeans felt several sizes too tight and the friction of the denim was the perfect mixture of frustrating and _hot_.

Ashton moaned and the vibrations that caused dragged a whimper out of Luke, louder this time. The curly-haired boy opened his hazel eyes, taking in Luke’s flushed cheeks and the way he was desperately trying not to move, rolling his hips in these tiny aborted movements before he fought to stop himself, and Ashton tried to tell Luke with his eyes that it was okay – _more_ than okay – because he’d honestly never felt _calmer_ and seeing Luke falling apart so beautifully beneath him was like medicine for the mind.

Ashton worked to relax his throat around Luke and, although he still struggled with it a _bit_ , when Ashton hummed contentedly, letting Luke know that it was okay to lose control, the blond boy’s eyes rolled back into his head a little and his hips jerked harder.

Ashton inhaled shallowly through his nose but even the lack of oxygen making his head swim couldn’t rekindle the tightness in his chest, and when Ashton finally swallowed the blond boy down all the way and started to bob his head again, Luke let out a strangled groan as he came so, _so_ hard.

Looking at Luke’s flushed cheeks and wide eyes as pleasure flooded his expression, Ashton realised he didn’t really mind doing this – in fact, he actually kind of _liked_ it which might have scared him once but no longer did – and the sun was hot against his back, soaking through Ashton's t-shirt and warming his shoulders as Luke finally came to several long moments later.

Ashton decided that it was _definitely_ worth it when Luke pushed him lightly down onto the rug and returned the favour.

" _Fuck_ ," Ashton whined and Luke pulled off to smirk slightly.

"Later," he promised, and that single word seemed to promise a _lot_ more than just sex. It promised years and years and _years_ of this - of **them** \- and Ashton could see it in Luke's face that he felt the same way too.

' _Later_.'

Ashton was counting on that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this was okay!  
> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> It all goes to hell now though... sorry...


	130. The Weight Of The World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The coach stared at Calum in concern and Michael looked shocked, and Ashton thought maybe it was only Luke’s arm too-tight around his waist that was keeping him standing._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter of The Thing.  
> You have been warned...

_**I wish we could go back,** _

_**And remember what we were fighting for,** _

_**And I wish you knew that I miss you too much to be mad anymore,** _

_**And I wish you were right here, right now, it's all good.** _

_**I wish you would.** _

_\- I Wish You Would, Taylor Swift_

 

Tuesday was difficult for Ashton but he did it.

He ignored the stares of the few students who had heard what had happened and he was used to the disdain of the rest of them so, all in all, it could have gone a lot _worse_. Ashton’s teachers helped him revise for his upcoming exams and the coach had scheduled the team in for a football practice on Tuesday morning since there was a game coming up in the next few weeks.

Ashton had met with the coach during his break and his place as goalkeeper had been confirmed. Ashton got the feeling that his stand-in hadn’t been very good somehow and he couldn’t help but feel sorry for the poor kid who had been kicked off the team so unceremoniously the very _moment_ that Ashton had affirmed that he was still interested in taking part.

There was a slight spring in Ashton’s step as he walked to his car that night though and, by Tuesday morning, he was actually pretty _excited_ to play again.

It was a cool, crisp day but his birthday was in just over two weeks now and Luke had kissed him awake that morning, a few minutes before the alarm. Ashton felt _energised_ as he walked into school with his kit bag slung over his shoulder, and his outlook only brightened further when he received a text from Luke at break saying that he had no lessons that afternoon so he could come and watch them practice.

Ashton got changed with a smile on his face, despite the faint anxiety he felt when he caught his teammates staring over, obviously hoping to catch a glimpse of the injury that had almost killed him.

Ashton tried not to let it bother him though. He just carried his sweatpants and sweatshirt over to a cubicle so that he could get changed inside instead.

It felt good to pull the familiar sweatshirt on again and, when Ashton caught a glimpse of the **GOALKEEPER** emblazoned on the back, he felt a goofy little smile tugging at his lips, and it just  _grew_ when he left the changing rooms, only to find Luke and Michael waiting for him and Calum outside.

“Ashy!” Luke grinned, darting forwards to pull him into a gentle hug. The younger boy was wearing what looked like one of Michael’s Marvel sweatshirts over his Kings uniform, presumably so that some of the nastier kids at their school wouldn’t see and get territorial, but there was nothing to be done about Luke’s well-fitted black trousers and shining shoes.

Ashton thought back to his battered trainers waiting for him in the changing room and he smiled weakly. Some things would never change but that was probably okay too.

“Knock ‘em dead, babe,” Luke said without thinking but even the pet name couldn’t upset him now.

The relief on Luke’s face was palpable when Ashton cupped the taller boy’s cheeks and stretched up on his tiptoes to kiss him.

“C’mon, Ash,” Calum muttered as he appeared outside too. He looked pale in the wintery sunlight, _faded_ almost, like a ghost. “Let’s get this over with.”

Ashton frowned at that but he still fell into step behind Calum, wrapping his arm around Luke’s waist carelessly as Michael trailed along a few metres behind them, keeping his green eyes fixed very deliberately on his phone.

“I thought he _loved_ being captain,” Luke breathed uncertainly and Ashton bit his lip, even as Calum sped up, like maybe he’d _heard_.

“So did I,” Ashton muttered and that made Calum reach up to rub the back of his neck uneasily, pushing the neck of his sweatshirt aside as he did so. Ashton saw a bruise marring the delicate tanned skin of Calum’s neck and it looked almost like a hickey,and the thought had barely crossed Ashton’s mind when Luke broke the silence.

“I think they did it,” Luke blurted out suddenly and Ashton looked up slowly, his hazel eyes surprised.

“What do you mean?” the older boy asked weakly.

“Calum and Michael,” Luke said slowly, keeping his voice low as he looked warily between the football captain striding on ahead and Michael who was dragging along far behind them now. “I think they had sex. I think _that’s_ why they’re being so awkward and intense and _weird_ with each other now… I think they _did_ it.”

Ashton stumbled, his eyes widening as he processed that because, now that Luke mentioned it, it actually kind of made _sense_.

“ _Shit_ ,” Ashton muttered, floored, and Luke’s expression was grimly triumphant.

“That’s something to think about then,” the blond boy said wryly before he wrinkled his nose, looking a bit puzzled. “Or maybe _not_ , as the case may be.”

Ashton smiled weakly but, in truth, the confusion he could feel bubbling inside him was making him feel a bit dizzy. He wondered what had _changed_ between Calum and Michael.

He wondered _how_.

“Get your lazy arses out on the field!” Calum yelled hoarsely from the sidelines when he saw the members of his team chatting idly as they made their way over. Ashton looked up at the football captain in shock, feeling his mouth drop open a little because Calum _never_ talked to the team like that, not even when he was _really_ pissed off about something.

“ _Hood_ ,” the coach said sharply and Luke stilled from where he was still standing beside Ashton, taking in the way Calum bristled visibly as his eyes settled on a red-faced Michael.

“Sorry, coach,” Calum snapped but his eyes were starting to look slightly panicked and Ashton thought maybe that was because everyone was frowning at him now.

“This attitude is going to get you nowhere, Hood,” the coach said in the sort of warning voice Ashton hadn’t heard since his first year there when Calum had persuaded Michael to join the football team. (Unsurprisingly, Michael had only lasted one practice session.)

“Look, there’s just a lot on my mind!” Calum argued, his eyes burning again, even as he reached up to rub the back of his neck anxiously again. His sleeve slipped a little and Ashton flinched because if Calum wasn’t careful then –

“Hood, if you can’t stay focused then maybe you should have a break today and we can discuss this after school –” the coach began, looking taken aback at Calum’s unusual behaviour, but the dark-haired boy stiffened when his fingertips brushed the bruise that Michael may or may not have sucked into his neck.

“I quit.”

The words were quiet and Ashton _froze_ because... _surely_ Calum hadn’t just given up something that had meant so, _so_ much to him...

“Hood?” the coach asked softly.

The playing fields were silent. Everyone was watching now and Luke’s hand was tight around Ashton’s. The only sound was the distant ringing of the school bell.

Michael looked faint.

“I quit,” Calum repeated and, suddenly, he was _shouting_. “I quit. I _quit_! I fucking **_quit_**! You can take this fucking sweatshirt and shove it up your –”

“ _Cal_ ,” Michael breathed desperately but it made Calum fall silent. He stood there, his chest _heaving_ as he stared at the blue-haired boy with desperation in his flaming eyes. “Think about what you’re _doing_ –”

“I **quit** ,” Calum said and he sounded _dead_.

The coach stared at Calum in concern and Michael looked shocked, and Ashton thought maybe it was only Luke’s arm too-tight around his waist that was keeping him standing.

“I’m _d-done_ ,” Calum said and his voice cracked.

He tore his sweatshirt off and it tumbled onto the dried grass, the **CAPTAIN** facing the sky. Ashton’s breath caught and Luke let out a shocked hiss. Michael’s knees hit the ground.

Calum had thrown the sweatshirt on the ground in such a violent display of anger that, for a moment, no one but Michael, Luke and Ashton _saw_ the cuts and scars lining Calum’s painfully thin arms -

And then everyone  _stared_.

Ashton saw the moment Calum realised what he’d done. He saw the moment the last of the light in Calum’s eyes fizzled out and he swayed unsteadily on his feet, like the weight of the world was finally crushing him into dust.

“ _Cally_ ,” Michael half-sobbed but it came out sounding like a whimper. “What have you _done_?”

Whispers broke out in the silence and everyone just  _kept_ staring at Calum, their eyes burning into him with concern and confusion and shock.

Quite suddenly, it all seemed to be too much for the dark-haired boy, and the spell was broken.

Calum turned and _fled_ , even as his shallow breaths ripped out of him in sobs, and he was already pulling himself up over the fence and disappearing down the busy road outside before anyone could really comprehend what was happening.

“He can’t just –” The coach faltered, shaking his head and looking dazed before his gaze came to settle on Ashton and Michael. “I need to report... this...”

The coach started off towards the school at a jog with an anxious look on his face and Michael _crumpled_ , pulling Calum’s sweatshirt from the dirt and cradling it like it was all he had left anymore. The tears in Michael’s emerald eyes boiled over and coursed down his face but he didn’t even seem to _notice_ them, and Ashton felt sick.

Luke looked _small_ in Michael’s sweatshirt as he held Ashton close, breathing in the familiar scent of Ashton’s neck as he tried to calm himself. Ashton’s heart was racing too fast in his chest and Luke’s grip was too tight, and Michael was _sobbing_ now, and everyone was still fucking **staring** and Ashton couldn’t _take_ it anymore because Calum was _gone_ and –

And Ashton had been powerless to save him.

Calum was **gone** _._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It just sort of gets worse from this point on...  
> Sorry.  
> Please let me know what you thought though <3


	131. Whiplash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _When Luke glanced down at Michael, he was expecting to see him looking upset or pained but he just looked_ betrayed _, like he’d been stabbed in the back by someone he loved._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is angsty as fuck holy shit.  
> I'm so sorry guys, seriously.

**_I remember when your head caught flame,_ **

**_It kissed your scalp and caressed your brain._ **

_– Buzzcut Season, Lorde_

 

The sun had gone behind a cloud and the wind was picking up as a cold breeze clawed at Luke’s exposed skin. Ashton was shaking beside him.

Michael was _despairing_.

“ _Cal_ ,” he kept whispering, over and over again, like it was all he could think anymore. “ _Cal, Cal, Cal_.”

He’d bitten his bottom lip hard enough that it was bleeding sluggishly and there were tears streaming unendingly down his cheeks. Calum’s sweatshirt was still gripped tightly in Michael’s trembling hands. The **CAPTAIN** was screwed up and hidden from sight.

“Mike,” Ashton croaked.

The rest of the team had long since drifted back into the changing rooms and returned to school. Luke’s knees felt weak and Ashton looked stunned, and Michael just _kept_ sobbing.

“Michael, _please_ ,” Ashton whispered and Michael jerked up to look at him, his emerald green eyes _tortured_ as he held the sweatshirt closer, his grip so tight that his knuckles went white as snow.

“We… we need to look for Cal,” Michael breathed, wiping his bleeding lip with the back of one of his hands. It smeared blood across his ashen face. “We need to _find_ him.”

Luke fought to swallow past the lump in his throat and he strongly suspected that the tears falling from Ashton’s hazel eyes had _nothing_ to do with the cold wind.

“Let Ash grab his stuff and we can go look for him,” Luke said softly and, although his voice wasn’t shaking, he just sounded _shell-shocked_. He couldn’t help it though. He didn’t understand what was going _on_ anymore.

“’Kay,” Michael breathed, accepting the blond boy’s outstretched hand and rising shakily.

Luke kept his arm wrapped firmly around Ashton’s waist and the shudders he could feel tearing through the smaller boy _hurt_ Luke.

“He wore a shirt,” Michael said suddenly, his voice thick with tears as the clouds rolled overhead. Luke didn’t know what Michael meant at first but it soon made sense. “He wouldn’t take his shirt off. I didn’t know why. I didn’t _know_.”

“It’s not your fault, Mike,” Luke muttered, sniffing hard and wiping his eyes with his sleeve as he kept his free arm wrapped securely around Ashton’s narrow waist.

Michael fell silent as they crossed the field, heading for the changing rooms and, by the time they reached them, the blue-haired boy had long since stopped crying.

When Luke glanced down at Michael, he was expecting to see him looking upset or pained but he just looked _betrayed_ , like he’d been stabbed in the back by someone he loved.

Luke felt unease ripple through him but he tried to ignore it as the three of them entered the silent changing rooms. The water from the leaking shower was drip-drip- _dripping_ and Ashton was gulping in mouthfuls of air roughly, like he was breathing nails into his lungs almost.

“You’re not surprised.”

Michael’s voice sounded hollow in the quiet and it made Luke jump. He looked up, startled, and felt Ashton do the same thing beside him.

Michael was standing a few feet away, staring at them both with fiery eyes. His face was tinged a delicate green though and he looked like he was going to be _sick_.

“You both knew,” Michael breathed and his blue hair was icy fire as it licked at his skull. The drops of blood falling from his torn lip were boiling rubies as they ran down his chin. His voice was soft and dangerous, and he looked _insane_. “You fucking _knew_.”

Ashton whimpered, abruptly _terrified_ , and Luke’s arms tightened around him in response, holding him closer, and Luke had been worried that he was squeezing Ashton too tight before but now the smaller boy was gripping Luke like he was _drowning_ and nothing else could keep him afloat anymore.

“I didn’t know _why_ ,” Michael said quietly but his voice caught in his throat and his tears began to fall again, burning down his cheeks like acid. His voice rose to a shout. “Calum was aching and fading and withering and fucking _dying_ , and you _knew_ I suspected him not eating but you didn’t tell me about the _cutting_?! How could you _do_ that to me?! I thought you were my _friends_! You never even fucking _told_ me!”

Ashton wriggled out of Luke’s grip, clutching at his chest like it hurt to breathe. His eyes were wide and wild, and Luke sat down heavily on one of the benches as he dropped his head into his hands. Shame coursed through him because he could remember all of the Skype calls with Calum now and suddenly everything the dark-haired boy had confessed took on a different meaning.

Luke felt like the worst best friend in the _world_ … and he hadn’t even _told_ Michael. All of that progress had been for nothing, and now Calum was gone and Michael was half-mad with rage and Ashton was _sobbing_ , and Luke couldn’t fix any of it.

He really _was_ as much of a failure as his father had said.

“Mikey,” Ashton gasped pleadingly but Luke kept his eyes tightly shut as the bitter tears in them welled up and threatened to spill down his cold cheeks. “I – I only suspected too until…”

“When did you suspect?” Michael demanded. Calum's sweatshirt fluttered to the floor as his hands closed around Ashton’s collar and he slammed the smaller boy back against the lockers. Ashton let out a pained sob and Michael looked like he didn’t even realise he was _hurting_ Ashton, and Luke wouldn’t let him do this.

“Michael, **_stop it_**!” Luke shouted, grabbing Michael’s arm and trying to wrench him away but the blue-haired boy didn’t even _move_. Ashton’s eyes were wide with fear and his chest was heaving, and Luke felt anxiety clawing at his heart when he realised Ashton was having a panic attack.

“ _WHEN_?!” Michael screamed but his tears were blinding him now and his shoulders were hunched as sobs tore through him.

Ashton was shaking like a leaf in Michael’s grip as his tears burnt down his cheeks, and Luke felt like his heart was tearing itself apart in his chest.

“Almost… almost a year ago,” Ashton gasped out, his eyes wide and shining with tears as he pushed feebly at Michael’s chest, helpless now. Luke tried to pull Michael away again but the blue-haired boy seemed almost _frozen_ as he stared down at Ashton.

“A year,” Michael breathed and he shook his head slowly as the tears ran down his bloody face. He was shaking so hard that his whole _frame_ was trembling with it and there was a muscle jumping in Michael’s jaw. Ashton looked _small_ in his grip and Luke let out a sob before he could stop himself.

“Does my uncle know?” Michael asked suddenly and Luke felt dread fill him when any remaining colour drained out of Ashton’s face.

“Yes,” the smaller boy whispered.

It was all a bit of a blur after that.

Ashton let out a pained cry and his little nose was bruised and bleeding, and Michael’s emerald eyes were _burning_. Luke’s fist connected with Michael’s jaw and Ashton slid down the wall, _cowering_ on the ground, his arms wrapped tightly around himself as he cried fearfully, and Luke felt sick with himself.

“ _Don’t fucking touch him_!” Luke said warningly but his voice was shaking and his chest was heaving. He dropped down onto the dirty floor and Ashton _flung_ himself into Luke’s arms, sobbing into the taller boy’s neck, his curls snarled from where he’d been tearing his fingers through them in his panic.

Michael clapped a hand over his mouth, lurching towards the bathroom, and Luke choked on his tears because, even with the door shut, it wasn’t quiet enough.

Ashton was shuddering in Luke’s muscled arms and the blond boy held his boyfriend close, kissing Ashton’s forehead and rubbing his back comfortingly as he kept his breathing purposefully calm for the curly-haired boy to copy.

Michael reappeared a few minutes later and he looked different.

His complexion was _greyish_ almost and his blue hair was limp against his sweaty forehead. His eyes were red from crying and his hands were trembling where they were balled into fists at his sides but all of the fight had bled out of him now.

“I’m sorry,” Michael croaked and the shame on his face hurt to _look_ at. Luke kept his gaze fixed on Ashton as he stroked the older boy’s knotted curls, comforting himself with the fact that Ashton was still there, that he hadn’t _lost_ him. He couldn’t even _imagine_ how Michael must be feeling right now.

Luke looked up at the blue-haired boy sharply and a tear rolled down his pale cheek.

“I’m _sorry_.” Michael looked distraught now and his mood swings were too hard to keep track of. Luke felt like he had _whiplash_ when he looked at Michael.

“I’ve already lost Calum,” Michael gasped out and he tore at his hair again, knotting his fingers through the sapphire strands and _ripping_. “I can’t lose you two too. I _can’t_.”

He was sobbing again now, great heaving sobs that had him curling in on himself so that he didn’t fall apart, and Luke’s heart went out to him – it really _did_ – but he _refused_ to forgive Michael if Ashton didn’t.

Not when Michael had hurt him like that.

Not when Ashton was still bleeding.

“ _Mikey_ ,” the curly-haired boy cried but he twisted in Luke’s grip, opening his arms so that the blue-haired boy could collapse into them with a sob, and Luke was still furious that Michael had hurt Ashton but… but Michael was one of his best friends.

He probably always _would_ be now… and Ashton had forgiven him.

That was what this embrace equated to. Ashton had wiped his blood away and held Michael close, even as his _own_ sobs threatened to tear him apart, and when Luke wrapped his arms around _both_ of them, he felt the immense weight Ashton was carrying shift so that Luke was holding most of it up, and it might have felt like it was _crushing_ the blond boy but he preferred it that way.

At least he knew Ashton was safe.

Luke hoped that Ashton always _would_ be.

Not like Calum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You could let me know what you thought if you don't hate me too much... please...  
> (I'm so so SO sorry oh my god) <3


	132. Meant Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“I know where he is!” the blue-haired boy exclaimed, making Ashton jump, and Luke’s face creased when his ocean-blue eyes settled on the bruise he’d left on Michael’s jaw._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a part 1 but unfortunately I have to go to a meeting now so please don't hate me for not updating immediately.  
> Sorry.

**_Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry._ **

**_Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough,_ **

**_I don’t know why._ **

_\- Born To Die, Lana Del Rey_

 

Ashton had had nightmares before where he’d been running through the darkness, searching desperately for _something_ with no idea as to where it was, and in those dreams Ashton had always just instinctively _known_ that he was running out of time.

Looking for Calum now with no idea where to start felt like one of those dreams… those _nightmares_.

The weather was gradually creeping towards stormy and the raindrops falling on Ashton’s bruised face felt nice as they washed the dried blood away.

Ashton wanted to say that he couldn’t believe that Michael had hit him but that just wasn’t the _case_. Michael had always been a bit heavy-handed – even when they were _kids_ – so it stood to reason that he’d lash out when he was angry and upset and distressed.

Ashton didn’t hold that against him. He _couldn’t_ because it was **Michael** and Ashton _loved_ him. He always _would_. Michael was like his **brother**.

“We’ll find him, Mikey,” Ashton said softly but his voice was thick because his nose was beginning to swell up. “I _promise_.”

Michael nodded weakly but his face was still ashen and, when he glanced over at Ashton and took in the bruising he’d caused, Michael’s expression crumpled and a tear ran down his face, mingling with the rain on his cheeks.

“It’s okay,” Ashton promised and Luke made a small sound, like he wasn’t sure he agreed with that but he wasn’t going to hold it against him because Ashton had said it meant nothing.

“We don’t even know where to _start_ ,” Luke said roughly as the three of them walked. The rain was falling heavier now and Luke was carrying Ashton’s kit bag for him, and the older boy’s damp curls were sticking to his forehead as Luke’s blond hair fell out of its quiff.

Instead of bristling or growing upset, Michael simply inhaled shakily and tried to remain logical, and Ashton was more proud of him than he could put into words for that.

“Y’know when… when Cal ran out after football that time and… and we couldn’t find him?” Michael said softly and Luke flinched, clearly remembering what had happened after that. Ashton winced too because the memories of lying to Luke and telling him that he didn’t love him anymore – in a desperate but vain attempt to keep him _safe_ – were still too fresh in his mind.

Luke’s hand tightened around Ashton’s and the older boy stretched up to kiss the underside of Luke’s jaw. Michael looked apologetic.

“Ash, do… do you remember where Cal was?”

Ashton frowned, biting his lip as he thought back. He had vague recollections of cars passing quietly in the background and Calum saying that he needed to clear his head but that was it.

“Um… there were a lot of cars but… but that’s all I remember…” Ashton hung his head and Luke wrapped an arm around his shoulders comfortingly, and neither of them were expecting it when Michael’s expression suddenly brightened.

“I know where he is!” the blue-haired boy exclaimed, making Ashton jump, and Luke’s face creased when his ocean-blue eyes settled on the bruise he’d left on Michael’s jaw.

“Where, Mikey?” Ashton asked, even as he squeezed Luke’s hand gently, trying to tell him without words that it was alright, that Michael didn’t blame him and that Ashton was _grateful_ because, if Luke hadn’t been there, things could have been a lot worse.

“I think he’s on the road out of town,” Michael explained and he was walking faster now, _jogging_ almost as the two other boys fell into step behind him. “He used to like watching the river when we got driven over it as kids. It makes sense that –”

Michael’s step faltered and he paled again, until he looked _white_ compared to his icy blue hair.

“What?” Luke asked quietly, his voice shaky. “Mike, _what_?”

“The… the bridge over the water… It... it’s really high… What if…?”

Ashton’s stomach churned unpleasantly and he fought against the bile rising in his throat as he started to run.

If Calum had grown so tired of living that he’d tried to do something of that magnitude then… then Ashton would never forgive himself for not being able to help, and he _knew_ Luke and Michael wouldn’t forgive themselves either.

 _Ever_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought if you don't completely loathe me by now!  
> Yay!  
> (The next chapter is so, so much worse. Sorry in advance.)


	133. Harm's Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“_ No _,” he whispered, his voice saturated with so much raw terror and pain that it took Ashton a few moments to pluck up the courage to follow Michael’s gaze._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY

**_Sing me to sleep,_ **

**_And then leave me alone._ **

**_Don't try to wake me in the morning,_ **

**_'Cause I will be gone._ **

_\- Asleep, The Smiths_

 

Although it was only a gut instinct, it was the best they had, and Ashton followed Michael’s directions with his heart in his throat and his lungs burning for air.

Luke’s lips were pressed together flatly and his brow was creased with worry but his grip on his boyfriend’s hand was unbreakable, and Ashton preferred it that way.

The closer they got to the bridge, the more certain Michael became, and the uncertainty of Calum’s fate might have been weighing heavily on Luke and paining Ashton but at least they had each _other_ , and the loss of Calum was tearing Michael apart.

It was almost dark by the time they reached the bridge over the river.

The streetlights were sparkling on the water but the sky was a dark murky blue, too cloudy for the stars to be visible. There were hundreds of vehicles tearing down the road and Ashton was surprised for a moment before he remembered that it was rush hour.

“Be _careful_ , Ashy!” Luke gasped when Ashton stumbled too close to the edge of the pavement after a passing car horn startled him. It was raining heavier than ever now and the winds were picking up, and standing out on the bridge like that – suspended _hundreds_ of metres over the river – felt dangerous to Ashton.

Luke held him close and Ashton clung to Luke, drawing in a ragged breath as he shook, both with fear and the cold rain. Luke kissed Ashton’s damp curls and his fingers were icy as he gripped Ashton’s hip.

Quite suddenly, Michael froze in front of them.

“ _No_ ,” he whispered, his voice saturated with so much raw terror and pain that it took Ashton a few moments to pluck up the courage to follow Michael’s gaze.

“What’s –”

When Ashton finally looked up, his words died in his throat.

“ _Cal_ ,” Luke breathed beside Ashton, appalled.

The dark-haired boy was on the other side of the road, standing on the wrong side of the safety barrier and gripping the cold metal loosely as he leant out over the abyss. Calum looked _freezing_ , and his shoulders shook with sobs as he hung there, outside the glow cast by the streetlights which might have explained why no one had seen him.

Calum’s intentions were clear.

“Don’t you dare!” Michael shouted when Calum’s fingers started to slip from the metal and, although Calum couldn’t _possibly_ have heard Michael over the wind and the noise of the traffic, he still turned at the familiar sound of Michael’s voice, gripping the rusting metal of the barrier tightly in his shaking hands so that he didn’t fall.

That seemed ironic somehow.

“ _Calum Hood_!” Michael yelled when he had the younger boy’s attention. Calum’s chocolate brown eyes were glossy with tears and his eyelashes were spiky with them, but his face was empty when he looked at Michael. “What the _hell_ do you think you’re doing?!”

Calum gave this helpless little shrug, his laugh watery, and Ashton’s heart broke for his best friend.

More than anything, Ashton wanted to dart between the cars and pull Calum into a hug but it just wasn’t _possible_. They were driving too fast and it was too dangerous, and Calum looked too far gone now.

If _anyone_ was going to have a chance of reaching him, it would have to be Michael.

The blue-haired boy seemed to be thinking the same thing.

He glanced up and down the road, took a deep breath and, steeling himself, he ran out into the traffic.

Ashton clapped a hand over his mouth and Michael’s name coming out of Luke’s mouth was hoarse when the blond boy’s fear finally overcame him but, despite having to stop in the middle of the road as a lorry thundered past – and it _so_ nearly killed him that Ashton’s heart didn’t feel like it had started beating again yet – Michael made it across.

Although the wind was stealing their words, Michael and Calum were positioned in such a way that Ashton could read their lips, and what he saw there _broke_ him.

“Calum, please don’t.” Michael’s eyes were wide and wet and _pleading_ , and his hands were gripping the other side of the metal barrier just as tightly as Calum was. “We’ll get you help. You’re not on your own. We _care_ about you. Please don’t do this. _Please_. You can’t take yourself away from us – from _me_. I need you too bad.”

Ashton had always been good at reading people’s lips but, for the first time in his life, he wished he wasn’t because this hurt too much to witness.

Michael climbed over the barrier too and, although he slipped and _almost_ lost his footing, he managed to hold on. Ashton thought he was going to be _sick_ and Luke made a distracted shushing noise, combing his fingers through Ashton’s damp curls and trying to calm him, even as his own agony showed on his face.

Ashton’s heart felt like it was going to stop in a minute but Luke pointed and Ashton drew in a shocked gasp when he saw that Michael had his fingers crossed behind his back.

“What are you _doing_ , Mikey?! Go back! It’s not _safe_!”

Calum’s terror for Michael was clear on his face and it made Ashton’s heart skip a beat because Calum’s face now was what Luke’s had looked like that night when Ashton had contemplated ending his life.

“Exactly!” Michael shouted back over the rain and the howling winds. “It’s _not_ safe, Cal, and I’m not letting you do this alone! I’m not letting you do _anything_ alone! You’ll never be on your own again!”

Calum’s face crumpled, like he wanted _so_ badly to believe Michael’s words but he couldn’t quite let himself. Ashton remembered what Luke had said to him in the car on the way to his birthday party at the restaurant last year, about thinking that he wasn’t allowed to be happy, and Ashton wished he’d seen that quality in Calum sooner – preferably _before_ he tried to fling himself off a bridge.

Ashton choked on a sob and Luke held him closer still, peppering Ashton’s cold cheeks with kisses, even as the blond boy’s tears soaked his cheeks.

“Why can’t you just let me _die_ , Mike?!” Calum shouted but his voice cracked. Luke made a hurt sound and Ashton shuddered.

“Because you don’t really _want_ to, Cal!” Michael yelled back, his blue hair whipping in the wind as the tears in his eyes boiled over. “Because I can see it in your eyes that you’re _terrified_ and you just want to feel loved!”

Michael inhaled shakily and Calum’s eyes were _so_ wide in his face, but still not burning. They looked _empty_. Ashton wondered if they’d ever look full again.

“And you _are_ loved, Calum,” Michael said in a much softer voice, and Ashton had to really squint to make out the blue-haired boy’s words. “Ashton and Luke love you. Mali loves you…” Michael faltered, closing his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them, his eyes were burning with enough emotion for _both_ of them.

“ ** _I_** love you.”

Calum’s sob sounded inhuman in its agony.

“Stop _lying_!” Calum screamed, his tears blurring his vision as he readjusted his grip on the barrier. Apparently the cold rain was beginning to numb his fingers.

Briefly, Ashton wondered how long Calum had been out there for.

“It’s _true_!” Michael cried out. The pair of them disappeared from sight for a moment as another lorry roared past. Ashton’s heart clenched painfully in his chest. “I love you so much that it _terrifies_ me but not saying it back was the stupidest decision I ever _made_ , Cal, and if you’ll climb back over with me now, I want to spend my whole _life_ making it up to you! Just… just _please_ … I can’t _do_ this without you, Cally.”

There were tears streaming down Calum’s cheeks but he took Michael’s extended hand and half-fell to safety on the other side of the barrier. Michael hauled himself over too and the relief on his face was battling with the pain and _love_ he was feeling when Calum slumped over with a sob.

“It’ll be okay, Cally. I’ll _make_ it okay. _We_ will. Together.”

Michael helped Calum up off the ground and wrapped an arm around the younger boy’s _painfully_ narrow waist, holding him close and pressing a soft kiss over the bruise that Ashton was now _certain_ that the blue-haired boy had left there.

“C’mon,” Michael said, his full lips clearly forming the word, and Ashton relaxed in Luke’s slackened grip as the other two boys saw a rare gap in the traffic and darted across the road.

Ashton didn’t know what to say and Luke was just as silent beside him, and Ashton wanted to share the relief Michael was clearly feeling but the curly-haired boy couldn’t _quite_ shake off the feeling that something even _more_ terrible was going to happen, and it was crushing the air from Ashton’s lungs.

In contrast, Michael’s shoulders were relaxed, even when Calum slipped out of his grip, still trembling badly.

“You _don’t_ love me,” Calum whispered, his voice so soft that Michael and Ashton and Luke had to lean closer to hear it. “You _can’t_. **No one** can.”

Luke’s expression was tight and Ashton’s breath was coming in gasps again, and when Calum shot a calculating look towards a truck approaching and ran in front of it, Ashton lunged forwards to reach for Calum, even as Luke dragged Ashton back onto the pavement, out of harm’s way.

Michael reacted instinctively.

He threw himself forwards to push Calum out of the way and Michael’s expression was vaguely _triumphant_ in the second before the truck collided with him.

Michael’s body soared through the air and he looked almost _graceful_ until his body hit the tarmac like a ragdoll.

There were car horns blaring everywhere and the driver of the truck had fallen from his vehicle in his panicked attempts to get out and help, and time seemed to _stop_ as Michael lay there.

Then Calum started screaming and Luke was so, _so_ white as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, only to drop it on the ground when his hands shook too badly. Ashton couldn’t remember how to _breathe_ anymore.

There was barely any blood and Michael might have looked like he was _sleeping_ if he hadn’t been lying sprawled in the middle of the road with his arms stretched out on either side of him, like an _angel_ almost.

When the traffic in Sydney grinded to a halt, so did Ashton’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself, it's okay. we're all in this together


	134. Dying Bird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Mikey,” Calum breathed and his voice wasn’t shaking but his eyes were burning like_ lava _now, and Ashton had to look away from the agony he could see blazing in them. Luke’s hand found Ashton’s through the rain-wet darkness._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus Christ.  
> I'm sorry.  
> I'm so, _so_ fucking sorry.

**_Should this be the last thing I see,_ **

**_I want you to know it's enough for me,_ **

**_‘Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need._ **

_\- Tenerife Sea, Ed Sheeran_

 

Ashton couldn’t breathe.

Horns were still going off and his knees were grating on the concrete as he crawled over towards Michael’s limp form. The glow of the streetlights was blurry with tears and rain. He’d bitten through his bottom lip.

The truck driver was stammering into his mobile phone, his accent thick and his words marred by panic. When he reached towards Michael, Luke snapped out of the daze he had fallen into and pushed the guy away.

“Don’t touch him!” Luke snapped but his bright eyes were gleaming with tears and all of the blood had drained out of his face.

“Oh, yeah. He might have broken his neck,” the guy mumbled before he became distracted by whatever they were saying over the phone. Calum’s screams reached a new pitch.

There were people hovering awkwardly around by then, forming a loose semi-circle like they were unwilling to come any closer. Ashton reached Michael’s side.

Close up, Michael didn’t look like he was sleeping anymore.

His left leg was bent at a funny angle and his blue hair had fallen away from his pale forehead in a way he never normally allowed. There was a graze on the bridge of Michael’s nose and the bruise Luke had left on his jaw was still visible.

Calum reached Michael at the same time as Ashton. His smaller hands were _shaking_ as they fluttered uselessly over Michael, combing through his messy blue hair shakily, and he was so gentle that Luke didn’t even repeat what he’d said earlier.

“Ambulance is on its way,” the truck driver murmured and Ashton nodded weakly, glancing up and taking in the middle-aged man’s grey, sweating face before he looked back down at Michael again.

Ashton’s heart jolted in his chest when he saw slivers of emerald looking back at him.

“Hey, Mikey,” Ashton said with a gasp as the tears began to spill down his cheeks again. Luke’s knees gave out and he fell down beside Michael too. Calum’s sobs caught in his throat and choked him.

Michael’s eyes fluttered shut, only to open a little wider afterwards, but they were glassy with tears and it didn’t look like he was completely _there_. The pain on Michael’s face was crippling to _look_ at.

“ _Saved you, Cal_ ,” Michael rasped, his voice grating like his throat felt sore. He coughed and a trickle of blood slid from the corner of his mouth. “ _Now save **yourself**_.”

“Mikey,” Calum breathed and his voice wasn’t shaking but his eyes were burning like _lava_ now, and Ashton had to look away from the agony he could see blazing in them. Luke’s hand found Ashton’s through the rain-wet darkness.

“Mikey, **please** , I _can’t_ ,” Calum whispered and his voice was pleading but there were large tears rolling down his cheeks. Michael’s glassy eyes were fixed on the sky above their heads, on the roiling storm clouds and the starless night, but he dragged his hand over to Calum’s.

His grip was weak at best but Calum doubled over as a sob ripped its way out of him.

“ _If you ask for help… they can’t_ …” Michael’s words drifted away but they knew what he meant. If Calum went to the hospital and explained, he wouldn’t get sectioned and he’d still get the help he needed.

Ashton’s eyes burnt with tears when he realised that that was all Michael had wanted to say.

“ _Don’t let this be for nothing, Cal_ ,” Michael said hoarsely and his breathing was rough and uneven as his battered chest heaved. Michael’s lips parted as he gasped in breath and Ashton shuddered when he saw the blood on Michael’s teeth.

“ _I love you_ ,” Michael gasped out and, for a moment, his eyes were focused raptly on Calum’s face, more solemn and heartfelt than Ashton had ever _seen_.

“I love you _too_ , Mikey,” Calum sobbed out and Michael stopped holding on.

They could hear the ambulance sirens in the distance as Michael’s hand fell from Calum’s.

All three of them were crying harder than ever now. Ashton was sobbing brokenly as he held onto Luke tighter and they stood over Calum as he cried beside Michael’s seemingly-lifeless form.

The horrified staring of passers-by was becoming too much.

The ambulance seemed to take an age to arrive and, fighting against his despair, Ashton forced his gaze back down again, even as the blood from his lip started to drip down his chin.

Looking at the blue-haired boy, Ashton felt like he was looking at Lauren or _Harry_ lying broken or maybe even **dead** – not _Michael_ – because that was what this amounted to.

Ashton’s _brother_ had just thrown himself in front of a truck because his _other_ brother had grown so tired of living that he didn’t want to fight anymore, and Ashton and Luke had been powerless to stop them.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Calum whispered, his eyes desolate, his trembling fingers _so_ gentle as they traced Michael’s cheekbone. “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t _mean_ it. I didn’t –”

Calum kept repeating it, over and over again like it was all he could think of, and when the ambulance finally _did_ arrive, the paramedics had to pull Calum away and push him – unresisting now – into Luke and Ashton’s open arms.

Michael was loaded into the ambulance quickly and the truck driver was talking to a police officer, and Ashton’s world felt like it was falling apart around him, like he’d hit the water too hard and fallen to pieces, and they were all floating off in different directions.

When Ashton’s knees gave out again and he fell onto the pavement with his back pressed against the icy metal of the safety barrier, he dragged Luke and Calum down with him, and he held onto them for dear life as the ambulance tore away and the police officers instructed everyone to get back in their vehicles.

Calum lay crumpled in their arms like a dying bird and, looking down at Calum as sobs wracked his skeletal form and the tears coursed down his cheeks as his lungs burnt for air, Ashton thought he knew how he felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't shout at me again oh my god i'll cry  
> (wait i made you guys cry so it's only fair - forget i said that)


	135. A Short Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Michael got hurt,” Calum croaked, speaking for the first time. “It was my fault.”_  
>  _Ashton hugged Calum tighter and Luke reached over shakily to grip Calum’s bony shoulder._  
>  _“It’s no one’s fault, Cal,” Luke promised, fighting back tears._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is quite short - I wrote most of this yesterday but I just can't get the words out today. More is happening soon, I promise.

**_It’s alright to shake,_ **

**_Even my hand does sometimes,_ **

**_So inside we’ll rage,_ **

**_Against the dying of the light._ **

_\- Even My Dad Does Sometimes, Ed Sheeran_

 

Sharon had got caught in the traffic on her way home from work just like everyone else and Luke happened to spot her car when the three of them finally staggered into town. Calum had grown increasingly hysterical when the police offer tried to talk to them and the dark-haired boy was only just beginning to regain control of himself when Sharon gestured for them to come over.

Luke felt sorry for his aunt.

One minute she thought she’d been driving home to see Shelly and the next she had three teenage boys in various stages of distress bundling into the back of her car as Luke pleaded with her to drive them to the hospital.

“Do you know what’s happened? The whole place is gridlocked,” Sharon said as Luke fastened his seatbelt and Ashton leant over to put Calum’s on for him after fastening his own.

The dark-haired boy was sitting under Ashton’s arm, trembling and biting down on his bottom lip to keep from crying, and Luke had to keep pressing soft kisses to Ashton’s cheek in an effort to calm them both.

“There… there was an accident on the bridge on the way out of Sydney,” Ashton mumbled, twisting to kiss Calum’s dark feathery hair. Sharon stiffened in the front seat, seemingly realising suddenly that one of them was missing, and her expression became flinty.

“Michael got hurt,” Calum croaked, speaking for the first time. “It was my fault.”

Ashton hugged Calum tighter and Luke reached over shakily to grip Calum’s bony shoulder.

“It’s _no one’s_ fault, Cal,” Luke promised, fighting back tears. “Just remember what Mike said, yeah?”

Calum stiffened but Luke couldn’t _quite_ find it in himself to feel bad. Michael had been right. Calum _needed_ to get help because, after what had happened today, Luke was terrified he was going to lose him.

Then, very slowly, Calum **nodded**.

Luke felt his heart start beating again.

“Is Michael going to be alright?” Sharon asked softly, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel impatiently. She let the car roll forwards a short distance when a gap appeared in front of them. Sharon looked agitated and, beside Luke, Ashton’s breathing gradually crept towards panicky. Luke shushed him softly, shuffling closer.

“We don’t know,” the blond boy breathed, catching Sharon’s steely gaze in the mirror and holding it until he saw the pain in his eyes reflected in her own.

“Can I borrow someone’s phone?” Calum whispered suddenly and Luke looked up, startled, before he dug his scratched phone out of his pocket and passed it over. The screen was cracked from where he’d dropped it on the floor.

Luke wondered briefly if Calum was going to ring his parents before he remembered what Ashton had told him about them not caring. When the dark-haired boy dialled the number and the person on the other end of the line picked up though, suddenly it all made sense.

“ _Mali_?” Calum breathed and, the moment he heard his big sister’s voice, the tears started flowing again. Ashton’s breath hitched in a sob too and Luke held his boyfriend close, hiding his face in Ashton’s neck and kissing the warm skin there as the pain in his chest began to feel marginally less raw.

“Mali, I need you to come _home_.” Calum was whispering but it was silent in the car and they still weren’t moving. “Michael’s _really_ hurt and I lied to you and –”

Even over the crackly phone line, Luke could hear Calum’s older sister gently shushing him.

“I’ll come home, squirt,” Mali said softly but they could all hear her in the silence of the car. “I’m sorry I left it so long but I’ll never leave you again. I promise.”

When the phone call ended a few minutes later after Mali had confirmed that she would be driving down with someone Luke _presumed_ was her boyfriend later that evening, Calum slumped back against Ashton’s chest with a shaky sigh.

When Luke looked down at the dark-haired boy, some of the fight had bled out of him.

“It’ll be alright, Cal. _He’ll_ be alright,” Ashton could be heard saying softly and Luke’s hand squeezed his boyfriend’s shoulder comfortingly. Calum exhaled shakily.

“I’m praying for that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this wasn't too bad.  
> You'll find out more about the whole Calum+Mali situation in Tempest, just a heads up.  
> Please let me know what you thought if you're not bored yet. Thanks <3


	136. Beating Himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“I punched Michael in the face,” Luke breathed and there was something buried in the blond boy’s tone that Ashton couldn’t_ stand _to listen to, because it was self-_ loathing _almost, and that wasn’t fair._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty damn angsty but I managed to write it in about half an hour somehow so hopefully it doesn't totally suck.  
> Inspiration appeared out of nowhere. I don't know how this happened.  
> Also, my thanks to Teen_Idle for the lyrics!

**_Cut him til' he cried out,_ **

**_In his anger and his shame:_**

**_"I am leaving, I am leaving."_ **

**_But the fighter still remains._ **

_\- The Boxer, Simon and Garfunkel_

 

Michael had been in surgery for _hours_ now but Sharon had only pulled into the carpark just over thirty minutes ago. It had taken ages for the bridge to be reopened by police and, when Ashton glanced over at the clock on the wall of the waiting room, he saw that it was almost nine o’clock at night.

The plastic chairs were more uncomfortable than Ashton remembered and there was a water cooler in the corner of the mint-green room that occasionally made an odd bubbling noise. Luke was sitting with his arms wrapped firmly around a trembling Ashton, and Sharon was sitting beside her nephew, gripping the armrests tightly as her expression gradually became grimmer as more time passed.

When Graham Clifford hurtled into the room, his complexion a worrying grey and his bright eyes wild, the lump in Ashton’s throat tried to choke him again.

“Please, they just told me Mike had been involved in an accident. I – I need to know what happened,” Graham pleaded, more distressed than Ashton had ever _seen_ him, although that was probably to be expected. Graham bit his lip like Michael did sometimes when he was stressed and Ashton felt a sob tear out of him. Luke blinked back tears as he tightened his grip on his boyfriend, shushing Ashton and rocking him gently in his arms.

“It’s kind of a long story,” Luke breathed and his voice sounded _hollow_ to Ashton’s ears, and it scared the curly-haired boy more than he could put into words.

“We’ve got time,” Graham breathed and there was a very weak, watery smile on his lips as he dropped down exhaustedly into the chair beside Ashton’s. The older boy felt a tear slide down his cheek when Graham passed him a tissue wordlessly. Even _now_ the nurse was trying to look after everyone else.

“I… I think Ash told you about Calum?” Luke asked softly and Ashton was grateful the dark-haired boy had gone to meet Mali in reception. It would have been too much to retell the story with him present.

“Yeah,” Graham said quietly, frowning as his eyes became a little pained. “Is the poor kid alright? What happened?”

“Everyone… everyone saw his arms today at school,” Ashton murmured, pressing his eyes tightly shut when Graham looked down at him, taking in his bruised face and bleeding lip with concern in his eyes. “And… and Mike found out and… and Calum just _ran_.”

The nurse looked confused for a split-second before his eyes became _pained_ and Ashton bit back a sob again, fighting the urge to tear at his hair because that would only hurt Luke more and he was trying to be strong for them both.

“How’d he take it?” Graham asked quietly, his brows drawing together with apprehension, and Ashton knew at once that the nurse meant Michael. Fortunately, Luke seemed to realise this too.

“He was really messed up about it. He just broke down,” the blond boy murmured, stroking the back of Ashton’s large, trembling hand carefully with his cold fingertips as Sharon let out a soft, sad sigh. “He was crying his eyes out and… and Ash let it slip that he’d been worried about Calum for _ages_ and…”

“And _what_?” Graham asked uneasily, biting his lip again. Ashton choked on a sob, turning his head away so that he could press his face into the comforting warmth of Luke’s neck. The blond boy blinked back tears, his long eyelashes fluttering against his pale cheekbones.

“There was… a bit of a fight,” Luke said after a pause and he sounded ashamed now. “He… he wasn’t thinking straight. He… he hurt _Ash_.”

Ashton’s cheeks flamed with colour, even as his sore nose gave a throb, and he just pressed himself closer to Luke, clinging to the front of Luke’s bloodied school shirt tightly as he drew in a shaky breath. When Sharon reached over to give Ashton’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, he felt something calm wash over him.

“What did you do?” Graham asked quietly and Luke sighed, sucking his lip-ring into his mouth uneasily as he stroked Ashton’s back in wide, comforting circles. There was no one else in the waiting room beside them and the clock was ticking softly on the wall.

“I punched Michael in the face,” Luke breathed and there was something buried in the blond boy’s tone that Ashton couldn’t _stand_ to listen to, because it was self- _loathing_ almost, and that wasn’t fair.

Michael had done the same thing to Luke before and Ashton knew _he_ hadn’t been beating himself up about it afterwards.

And Luke had just been _protecting_ Ashton – the older boy knew Michael would understand and he wished Luke wouldn’t blame himself.

“Sounds like he deserved it,” Graham sighed but his voice caught in his throat and he swallowed thickly, dropping his head into his hands for a moment. “Then what happened?”

Luke was tense beneath Ashton and the smaller boy threaded his long fingers gently though the soft hairs that grew at the base of Luke’s skull, stroking the skin there softly in a desperate attempt to calm Luke.

“We… we caught up with… with Cal on the bridge,” Luke breathed after a _much_ longer pause. The silence after that statement stretched on and, as Luke broke it with a soft sigh, Ashton was once more relieved that Calum wasn’t here to listen to this.

“He… he was in a really bad way,” Luke said and his voice dropped lower, like his next words were too terrible to say any louder, because that might make them more _real_. “He was… he was going to jump off –”

Graham sucked in a shocked hiss of breath and Sharon closed her eyes, bowing her head like the weight of the day’s events were too much to hold up anymore.

“Mike had to run across the road to get to him. He… he almost got hit by a _lorry_ the first time…” Luke whispered, shaking now as he held Ashton closer than ever. “Mike… Mike climbed up too and… and he told Cal he loved him...”

There were tears streaming silently down Luke’s face but his breathing remained even, almost a _forced_ calm now that Ashton thought about it, and that _hurt_ because it reminded Ashton of all the times when Luke had had to pretend that he was okay – that he wasn’t _hurting_ – so that his father would leave him alone.

“But… but he got Cal to come down and… and they ran back to me and Ash,” Luke continued, his voice no louder than a whisper now. Even the low ticking of the clock sounded louder in the silence. Luke’s hands had stopped moving on Ashton’s back.

“Is that when –” Graham began but Luke shook his head jerkily, cutting the nurse off.

“No,” Luke whispered and his eyelashes were spiky with tears as Ashton’s breathing gradually sped up as his panic consumed him. “Cal didn’t believe that Mike loved him. He… he tried to run in front of a _truck_ and – and Mike pushed him out of the way but… but he got hit instead.”

Ashton’s breathing was closer to gasps now and his eyes were teary as he clung to Luke tighter, burying his face in Luke’s shirt as he tried to calm down and regain control of himself. It wasn't working.

“Mike… he went _flying_ ,” Luke said in a rush, the tremble in his voice finally reflecting the turmoil in his ocean-blue eyes. “He… he woke up and told Cal he loved him… asked him not to let what had happened be for nothing…”

Luke drew in a shuddering breath and seemed to calm a little, even as Ashton sobbed in his arms. Sharon was very, _very_ pale now and Graham had stopped moving a long time ago.

It didn’t even look like he was _breathing_ anymore.

“When… when Cal told him he loved him back…” Luke hung his head, cringing as the tears began to roll down his cheeks again. “Mike stopped holding on.”

Ashton was out of Luke’s arms and staggering towards the door before he’d properly processed it, his breath harsh as it left his lungs, his hazel eyes blinded with tears.

When Luke appeared beside him silently, slipping his arm around Ashton’s waist as he led him in the direction of the exit, the older boy felt any semblance of composure leave him, and his sobs were _far_ too loud in the quiet of the hospital.

Ashton didn’t have it in him to be embarrassed though.

He needed to get out.

 _Now_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this doesn't completely suck - please let me know! :)


	137. Infinite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Lukey, it’s gonna be okay,” Ashton whispered and another sob tore out of Luke, even as his hands balled into fists tightly enough that his nails cut into his palms. Clearly the younger boy didn't agree._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took such a long time - I finally got "Mirrors Of This House" finished and I swear to god, at this point I've literally planned out like 90+ future fics so that's kept me busy...  
> Anyway, this chapter didn't turn out at all like I'd planned but it's actually a lot less angsty than I thought it would be. (I'll make up for that in future though, don't you worry.)  
> Hopefully this doesn't totally suck <3

**_What a shame, what a shame,_ **

**_Beautiful scars on critical veins._ **

_\- Kids In The Dark, All Time Low_

 

It was dark outside the hospital, seasonably cold as drops of icy rain spattered down and dampened Ashton’s already-tear-wet cheeks. His breathing was ragged and his eyes were stinging, and Luke’s small hands were tight on his biceps but _not tight enough_.

Ashton felt like everything was slipping away, like it was being _torn_ away almost, like a hurricane. His head was spinning and the dim glow of the streetlights was wavering, and it took Ashton a moment to process that he was on the brink of passing out due to lack of oxygen –

And then Luke was sitting him down on a low wall and pushing his head between his knees as he stroked Ashton’s back comfortingly.

“Ashy, you’ve got to _breathe_ ,” Luke whispered but his voice was shaking.

‘Luke was _afraid_ ,’ Ashton realised, and it made him feel guilty.

He knew most of it stemmed from a fear for Ashton, and even more so for Michael and Calum in the hospital on the other side of the carpark, but some of it had to be to do with the fact that Luke hated hospitals too – and when Ashton realised that this was probably because of bad memories and an ingrained fear that doctors were _bad_ , as opposed to it being Luke’s family that were the problem, he let out a sob.

Ashton supposed the fear of hospitals had been beaten into Luke when he was little and, when that thought crossed Ashton’s mind, he suddenly found it impossible to catch his breath as his tears tried to choke him again.

“I’m sorry,” Ashton croaked when the blond boy’s expression grew anguished and Luke’s beautiful ocean-blue eyes were gleaming with tears as he sat back on his heels, cupping Ashton’s damp cheeks and stretching forwards to kiss him softly.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Luke promised, and he’d said those words before – Ashton was _sure_ he had – but the older boy only felt worse because _Luke_ didn’t have anything to apologise for either.

Ashton told him so and the blond boy’s face twisted.

“That’s bullshit and you know it, Ashton,” Luke muttered, dropping down onto the low stone wall beside his boyfriend but refusing to look at him. Luke sat hunched up, wrapping his arms around his knees tightly as he rested his chin on them, and it was a mark of just how upset he was that he had stopped fussing over Ashton.

The older boy inhaled unevenly, sniffing hard and blinking back tears as he dried his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

“Luke, I –” Ashton swallowed past the lump in his throat, dropping his head into his hands and rubbing his temples as he tried his best to steady his breathing. The rain was falling heavier now, soaking his curls, but he couldn’t quite find it in himself to _care_. “Luke, stop hating yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Luke fired up so quickly that, for a moment, Ashton was reminded of that night on the pier, when Luke’s eyes had burnt like blue fire and he had stalked like a caged lion.

It had frightened Ashton at the time but now it just made him sad, the fact that Luke felt the need to be so defensive because he was scared of getting hurt again.

“You’re lying!” Luke exclaimed and his eyes were wild but so, _so_ distressed, and it made Ashton’s heart hurt almost as much as looking at Calum and Michael did nowadays. “I _hit_ him, Ash! I hit him and I hurt him and I did it on purpose! I’m just as bad as my dad! Just as bad… I’m _worse_ , probably, or I will be… You… you should _leave_ me… before I hurt you too…”

Ashton’s heart swelled in his chest and the tears burnt on their way down his cheeks.

“Please don’t say that,” the older boy said softly, his voice breathless but a little steadier now. The tears kept streaming though and, distractedly, Ashton wondered if they would ever stop.

It didn’t feel like they would sometimes.

“Lukey, it’s gonna be okay,” Ashton whispered and another sob tore out of Luke, even as his hands balled into fists tightly enough that his nails cut into his palms. Clearly the younger boy didn't agree.

“No, it’s not!” Luke snapped but he was crying worse than Ashton was now, and it cut the older boy deeper than his damn razor blade ever had.

Ashton’s arm slipped hesitantly around Luke’s shoulders and, although Luke resisted at first, he melted back into Ashton’s touch eventually, biting down too-hard on his bottom lip as a sob bubbled out of him.

Ashton adjusted their position, shifting so that Luke was basically lying on the wall with his head pillowed in Ashton’s lap, and the older boy leant down to kiss Luke’s forehead gently.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Ashton repeated softly, carding his fingers gently through Luke’s blond hair. The younger boy cringed when the rain began to fall into his eyes and Ashton shielded them gently with his hand.

“You’re nothing like your dad, Luke,” Ashton promised, wishing it wasn’t necessary to even _say_ this but aware that he would remind Luke of this fact every single day for the rest of their lives if it was necessary. “You were _protecting_ me. Mike understood that. _I_ understand that. You did nothing wrong, Luke. You were keeping me _safe_.”

Ashton hesitated, biting his lip before he focused on stroking Luke’s wilted blond hair again, forgetting about the rain falling now. Luke didn’t comment but he was shivering a little, probably a mixture of adrenaline and distress and _cold_.

Ashton held him closer.

“You _always_ keep me safe, Luke,” he repeated into Luke’s blond hair, hugging him tighter and jumping a little when Luke twisted so that his cold nose was pressed to the warm skin of Ashton’s neck.

When the older boy pulled back to look down at Luke, he felt sadness spreading inside him when he saw that Luke didn’t really seem to believe what he was saying.

Ashton decided then that he would change that. Luke didn’t deserve to be hating and doubting himself at every turn. He deserved to be _happy_ – or as happy as they could _be_ with one of their friends in surgery after the other had tried to kill himself _twice_ just hours before.

When Ashton started talking, it took the older boy by surprise and it felt almost like he was listening to someone else as the words bubbled out of him in a rush.

“The pier used to be my safe haven, Lukey, you know that?” he asked and the blond boy shook his head slowly before he gave a gentle shrug, like he hadn’t been sure but it maybe kind of made sense. Ashton tapped Luke’s lip gently with his fingertip to get him to stop biting it so much.

“I don’t even care that the pier’s gone,” Ashton confessed and Luke frowned. “Because where I feel most safe changed a _long_ time ago, Luke.”

When the blond boy looked confused, Ashton smiled sadly, letting his knuckles brush the pale skin of Luke’s jaw gently.

“ _You’re_ my safe place now, princess,” Ashton said roughly, his voice thick with too many emotions. “And you have been since the day I first met you, I think. You made me feel again when all I wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up. You made me feel _alive_. You made me **safe**.”

Luke’s eyes were brimming with tears and his little hands were fisted tightly in the front of Ashton’s sweatshirt, like he was scared that if he let go, Ashton might vanish.

“I thought once that you were a bit like a coastguard,” the curly-haired boy admitted, ducking his head and feeling like a bit of an idiot as his cheeks flushed red. It was a welcome distraction though, trying to make Luke feel better, and he was grateful for it. “Felt like you were dragging me out of the water almost, to someplace safe, y’know?”

Luke nodded, biting his lip more gently this time, and Ashton let him.

“That’s how you make _me_ feel,” the blond boy said softly but he pressed on before Ashton could get choked up about that. “When did you… when did you first feel like that?” Luke breathed out, the curiosity burning on his face, and Ashton’s hazel eyes were bright with tears as he fought to swallow past the lump in his throat.

“The first day we walked home together,” Ashton admitted and Luke’s eyes widened, growing even _wetter_ if possible. The rain was closer to hale now as it pounded the concrete around them. Neither noticed.

“I knocked you over and made your head bleed,” Luke remembered, his eyes growing anxious again, and Ashton managed a soft laugh, ducking down to kiss Luke again.

“You were like a bull in a china shop,” Ashton said, sniffing as another tear rolled down his cheek. “A really, _really_ graceful bull that’s amazing at dancing.”

“Oh, shut up,” Luke grinned but his smile was weak at best and Ashton could still see the poorly-disguised sadness in his boyfriend’s eyes.

That was okay though. Ashton wasn’t even _close_ to being done yet.

“You make me feel all warm and safe inside, Luke, even when my mind tries to make me feel cold and empty.” Ashton fell silent, biting his lip because that one hit _very_ close to home, but it was true, and he trusted Luke, and the blond boy _needed_ to hear this. “You’re everything I never knew I needed and… and I had this stupid dream once and you were in it and you told me that I was _safe_ now and… and you were _right_.”

Luke’s hand crept up to curl gently around the older boy’s jaw and Ashton’s chest felt tight with suppressed sobs now, but his breathing had never come easier.

When he was looking after Luke, it was always this way.

“You’ve saved me ten million times over, Lukey,” Ashton promised, shaking his head ruefully so that his wet curls tumbled forwards into his eyes. The blond boy reached up with trembling hands to brush them away gently and Ashton closed his eyes, leaning his head into the touch.

“You’ve saved me an _infinite_ number of times,” Ashton said, correcting himself, and Luke rolled his eyes, even as the tears began to fall with more frequency. “You saved me when you helped me throw that damn razor away… when you got Michael away from me today… when I met you that very first day on the pier and you shook my hand and stammered and went bright red.” Ashton choked on a sob but his voice, somehow, remained steady. “Most of all then, Lukey.”

Luke was crying silently now, clinging to Ashton as the younger boy’s chest heaved with sobs, and the older boy fought against his tears, not quite ready to crumble yet.

He had something important he needed to say first.

“You made me feel _safe_ , Lukey, even when you did stupid stuff like jumping out of your bedroom window and risking _everything_ to be with me… even though that made you get hurt.” Ashton closed his eyes against the rush of tears that this statement produced but he _still_ wouldn’t let himself cry properly. Not yet.

“You make me feel **safe** ,” Ashton repeated and there was _no_ self-loathing on Luke's face now, only wonder and a touch of awe, and so much love that it almost hurt to _look_ at. Ashton looked anyway though and his own love was blazing on his face like the sun.

“You’ve saved me ten _million_ times over,” Ashton repeated and Luke’s lips twitched. Ashton smiled, even as the tears rolled down his cheeks relentlessly. “I’m not even exaggerating,” the curly-haired boy added, his voice earnest, and he leant down to capture Luke’s lips in a gentle kiss again.

Neither of them cared about the heavily falling rain in the slightest now.

All that mattered in that moment was the other’s warmth, their bright tear-wet eyes and the touch of their skin as they held each other close.

When it came down to it, all they really _had_ was each other.

“Now let _me_ fix **you** ,” Ashton murmured against Luke’s lips.

When the blond boy began to cry anew, his tears mingled on his cheeks with the rain but Ashton didn’t bother trying to wipe them away.

More would undoubtedly follow.

“I’ve got you,” Luke whispered brokenly, even though it was Ashton holding _him_ close now as Luke’s sobs tried to tear him apart. “I’m not letting go. _Never_.”

"Ditto," Ashton joked weakly, blinking as the tears ran down his cold cheeks. Luke's laugh was incredibly watery but he was smiling and the older boy knew he remembered.

Ashton inhaled shakily, leaning down to kiss Luke's forehead, his cheeks, the corner of his mouth. Ashton's hands were warm as they cupped Luke’s cheeks and the pair somehow managed not to break apart as the blond boy struggled up into a sitting position, straddling Ashton’s lap as they deepened the kiss in the dark hospital carpark at close to eleven o’clock at night, and Ashton felt like maybe this should make him feel a bit shitty but it just _didn’t_ because it was **Luke**.

It felt _right_ and Ashton thought that, no matter what happened from this point on, it always _would_.

He and Luke were in this for the long-haul and neither of them were planning on quitting.

Not ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was okay!  
> As I said earlier, sorry for the delay but I also didn't want to write when I wasn't feeling right because then I tend to make things really sad...  
> The next couple of updates will be kinda sad but you'll learn a lot more about Mikey ( + Calum) so maybe that's something, I don't know.  
> Please let me know what you thought <3


	138. Faintest Glimmer Of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Shut up,” Mali snapped, rolling her eyes and looking away, even as she dried her eyes weakly with her sleeve. “Okay,” she said after a short pause, kissing Harry briefly and seemingly trying to summon up some courage from somewhere. “We’ll get Calum safe and then I… I’ll need to call my parents…”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really angsty and I'm sorry for that.  
> Also... Mali-Koa and Harry Styles kind of happened... I don't know how... please don't judge me...  
> Oh yeah, hopefully enjoy! :P

**_You hide your heart away,_ **

**_‘Cause hearts just end up hurting._ **

**_I am here to stay._ **

**_Just wish you felt like you deserved it._ **

_\- Always, The Veronicas_

 

By the time Ashton and Luke went back inside, they were soaked to the skin but neither of them cared anymore. Their cold hands were clasped tightly between them and neither let go for the rest of the evening.

When Ashton sheepishly re-entered the waiting room, cringing back against Luke’s broad chest as Sharon and Graham immediately began fretting over him, he spotted two additional people sitting there too.

One was Calum, sitting slumped in one of the plastic chairs with his knees pulled up tightly to his chest and his narrow, brittle arms loosely circling them. Beside him sat his sister.

Mali-Koa was prettier than Ashton remembered - and she looked older too, which reminded Ashton _just_ how long she'd been away - and she was dressed in an oversized hoody and yoga pants which were just about as far from her usual style as it was possible to _get_. She looked like she’d got ready in a rush but, even with her long dark hair scraped back into a ponytail and her makeup a mess, she still outshone everyone else in the room simply by _existing_.

Her chocolate brown eyes brightened a little when she spotted Ashton but she didn’t rise and, when Ashton realised that it was because she had her arm wrapped tightly around her little brother’s shoulders, he was _glad_ she hadn’t.

“Hey, Mali,” Ashton said softly and Luke looked up with interest, having heard so little about her.

Mali smiled, albeit sadly, and Ashton’s heart sank because the reason they were all sitting here had just crashed back over him.

“Hi, buddy,” Mali said quietly, her voice _so_ familiar even though Ashton hadn’t seen her in well over a year now. That greeting took him back to his childhood though, reminded him of when he was just a tiny scrawny little kid with scabby knees and too much hair.

She’d bought him and Michael ice creams sometimes while they were waiting for Calum during football practices, in those years before Ashton had joined the team, and he’d always had a soft spot for Calum’s big sister.

She murmured something to Calum and, when he nodded wearily, she gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze and stood up, stretching before she gestured for Ashton to follow her out into the corridor, and the older boy did as she asked, towing an abruptly shy Luke along by the hand. The blond boy was looking at Mali curiously, frowning like he thought he maybe recognised her, although Ashton didn't know he _could._

“Just going to see if Harry needs any help getting the coffees,” Mali said and Calum nodded, closing his eyes and biting down hard on his bottom lip to keep it from wobbling. In the moments before they left the room, Ashton felt relief bubbling inside him when he saw Graham go to sit beside the dark-haired boy.

“Harry should be in the cafeteria,” Mali explained as the three of them started down the corridor. Her shoulders were slumped and she looked exhausted but her expression was still friendly when she glanced over her shoulder at them. “Harry’s my boyfriend by the way. Almost a year now I think.”

Mali looked down at Ashton’s hand tightly wrapped around Luke’s and she smiled softly again.

“How long have you two…?”

“It’s been about a year now too,” Ashton answered quietly and Luke didn’t say anything. His only answer was to give the older boy’s hand this tiny, slightly _desperate_ little squeeze, like he still couldn’t believe what they had was real, even if he knew he was never going to give it up.

Ashton knew how he felt.

“I’m really happy for you guys then,” Mali said as she called for the lift, wrinkling her nose a little when she had to press the button. “But, Ash… aren’t you going to introduce us?”

Ashton’s cheeks flamed and he tore his eyes away from the lit numbers above the doors that informed them of what floor the lift was currently on.

“Oh, sorry,” Ashton stammered and both of them smiled at him, although Luke ducked his head when Mali’s warm gaze flickered up to his face. Apparently his boyfriend was scared of pretty girls. Ashton found this kind of amusing.

“Mali, this is my boyfriend Luke,” Ashton said, pausing as he desperately tried to control the _ridiculous_ smile that threatened to spread across his face, even _despite_ the grimness of the situation. “Lukey, this is Mali. She’s Calum’s big sister and she used to buy me ice creams when I was little.”

“You’re little _now_ ,” Luke muttered, looking down at him pointedly, and Ashton huffed because, _really_ , he was six foot tall and it wasn’t _his_ fault if everyone he was friends with was absolutely _gigantic_.

“You two are cute,” Mali said but she was watching Luke with interest too. "It _is_ you though... right? You're Hemmings - the blond kid who used to go to my dance classes at Kings?"

Luke looked surprised but he nodded and Ashton's shoulders relaxed a little now because it made sense. Mali had attended Kings too so it only made _sense_ that the pair might recognise each other by sight alone.

Mali's grin widened when Luke went bright pink and tried to subtly hide behind Ashton. The curly-haired boy rolled his eyes and, despite the light-heartedness of the situation, the distress was threatening to smother him again now and he saw the pain he was feeling reflected back at him in Luke and Mali’s eyes.

Ashton was relieved when the lift doors opened and he got to hide from the curious eyes of passers-by.

“Mike’s uncle…” Mali began uncertainly, her voice catching when she was presumably reminded of Michael’s current condition too. “He… he said you looked after Cal for me when… when I wasn’t around to do it myself.”

Mali hung her head and a lock of dark hair fell out of her ponytail to flutter around her face. She brushed it away impatiently, shivering at the cold air-conditioning.

“Thank you for that,” she said softly and she put her arms lightly around Ashton’s neck, hugging him and smiling sadly at Luke over the older boy’s shoulder.

Ashton saw it reflected back at him in the mirrors covering the walls, and he saw tension he hadn’t even realised he’d been _carrying_ until that moment leaking out of him when Luke relaxed and smiled back hesitantly.

“C’mon,” Mali said softly when the lift reached the ground floor and they filed out, following her like ducklings as she led them into the cafeteria. Ashton was confused as to why Luke seemed so familiar with his surroundings before the curly-haired boy remembered that, while he was lying healing in a hospital bed upstairs after the death of his mother, Luke had had to spend a _long_ time here.

That made Ashton sad though and it must have shown on his face because Luke squeezed his hand tighter, leaning forwards to kiss him briefly on the lips.

“There’s Harry,” Mali said suddenly and her breathing seemed to come a little bit easier when a guy with long dark curls loped over to them, carrying several takeaway cups of coffee in two cardboard carry trays.

His eyes were bright and gleaming, despite the bleakness that seemed to have settled over everyone else like a blanket, but Ashton couldn’t fault him for it. Maybe a happier person was just who they needed.

“Hello, love,” Harry said and Ashton blinked in surprise at the deep English accent. Mali stretched up on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek and she rested her head on his shoulder when she drew away.

“Harry, this is Ashton and Luke – they’re friends of Cal and Mike’s,” Mali said, introducing them, and Luke did his whole ' _I’m-blushing-please-don’t-look-at-me_ ' thing again while Ashton took one of the trays of drinks from a relieved-looking Harry.

“Good to meet you, mate,” Harry said and Ashton’s lips twitched into a weak smile.

“You too. I’m glad _something_ good could come out of this whole mess,” Ashton muttered, sniffing hard and looking away when Harry’s face fell.

Beside them, Mali sighed.

“I need to take Cal down to reception when we get back,” she said softly and Luke looked up, sucking his lip-ring into his mouth uneasily as a tear dripped down Ashton’s cheek. “I need to work out who we need to contact in terms of getting him referred somewhere. I –”

Mali broke off and Luke took the other tray from Harry so that he could pull his girlfriend into a tight hug.

“It’ll be okay, Mal,” Harry promised, his voice thick with his own tears as he kissed her forehead. “Let’s go and get Calum now. Doesn’t matter if we don’t know how this works ourselves, yeah? That’s sort of what the receptionist is for, love.”

“Shut up,” Mali snapped, rolling her eyes and looking away, even as she dried her eyes weakly with her sleeve. “Okay,” she said after a short pause, kissing Harry briefly and seemingly trying to summon up some courage from _somewhere_. “We’ll get Calum safe and then I… I’ll need to call my parents…”

Ashton winced sympathetically at that and Luke stood close behind Ashton in the lift, dropping a kiss onto his shoulder because both of his hands were busy holding either Ashton’s or the coffee tray.

It was silent in the waiting room when they got back and Calum’s eyes were glazed as he stared unseeingly up towards the ceiling. He looked for all the world like he’d given up and it hurt Ashton’s heart to see him like that.

It was somehow _worse_ than when there had been fire in his gaze.

He hoped Calum's eyes would start burning again soon. Then there would be something to work with – they could help keep the flame from burning too low and they could shelter it when the rain started to fall.

All they had right now was ash and cinders, and the fact that Calum had been reduced to that cut deeper than anything else had since they’d arrived at the hospital.

It _hurt_.

Harry took the tray back from Luke and, at the brown-haired man’s direction, Ashton passed the other tray over to Sharon. He’d almost forgotten he was still _carrying_ it and it had only been luck that had saved him from pouring it everywhere, on top of everything else.

“Cally? Are you ready?” Mali asked softly and the dark-haired boy blinked, looking over at her in shock, like he hadn’t realised they’d come back in.

“As I’ll ever be,” the dark-haired boy murmured but his eyes were wet as they fixed on Ashton and Luke. “When… when you hear about… about Mikey… I…”

“We’ll let you know, Cal,” Luke promised, his voice soft in the silence of the room.

Ashton dropped Luke’s hand for the first time – although he gave it a slight squeeze as an apology – and he knelt down in front of Calum, pulling the dark-haired boy into the gentlest hug he’d ever given him.

Calum’s shoulders heaved as he sobbed silently but his tiny fragile hands were _unbreakable_  in the back of Ashton’s still-damp sweatshirt, and he was holding on tightly, like he was terrified he was never going to see the older boy again.

Tears rolled down Calum’s cheeks and Ashton held him tighter, feeling his heart _literally_ breaking in his chest when he saw that Calum was fighting to stop sobbing. Ashton’s forehead rested gently against Calum’s and he closed his hazel eyes against his own tears.

“It’s okay to cry, Cal,” Ashton breathed, too quietly for anyone else to hear, and Calum’s answering sob was _heart wrenching_.

There was a low murmur behind them and, when Ashton risked a glance back, he saw Luke and Mali gently ushering everyone out of the waiting room to give them some privacy. Ashton was relieved when it was only him and Calum left, and he felt further comforted knowing that Luke was waiting just outside the door for him too.

“ _Ash_ ,” Calum sobbed out – _wrecked_ now – and Ashton was abruptly reminded of that night when the younger boy had found out about his panic attacks for the first time and he’d helped him through it. That felt like _such_ a long time ago now and, really, Ashton supposed it kind of _was_.

A lot had changed.

“I told you a _really_ long fucking time ago that it was my turn to look after you,” Ashton said suddenly, remembering the restaurant and feeling pleasantly surprised when his voice didn’t crack. “And… and I never _did_ … but I’d really like to do that for you now.”

“Ash, I –” Calum broke off as another sob tore out of him and Ashton just held him closer, pressing a kiss to Calum’s forehead and gently thumbing away the tears that were rolling down the younger boy’s cheeks as he trembled.

“I told you I wasn’t going anywhere and I _meant_ it. You’re gonna come out of that hospital and I’ll _still_ be here, sticking around like some really annoying stray dog you can’t get rid of or something! And that’s the way it’ll always be, okay? Lukey’s here too… and Mike will… He’ll get better, Cal. He _has_ to get better.”

They both fell silent as the magnitude of the situation finally began to sink in because… because what if their childhood best friend _didn’t_ get better?

Ashton wasn’t sure he’d survive the pain of that and he _knew_ Calum wouldn’t be able to live with it.

That thought sent Ashton’s heart racing in his chest and he tugged his sleeve down to cover his hand so that he could dry Calum’s tears with something softer that the pad of his thumb.

“But… but that’s not what we’re talking about,” Ashton said shakily, taking a deep breath in an effort to calm himself. “This… this next part is down to _you_ , okay?”

He was pleased when his voice stopped shaking but that didn’t mean his heart wasn’t still tearing itself apart in his chest.

“ _You’ve_ got to get better now, Cal, okay? That’s not even _optional_ at this point. You’re going to get healthy again and then you’ll come back out and we’ll all help you just like you’ve helped us and… and we’ll _all_ keep each other safe and – and maybe we can even start playing music again, yeah? We _will_ make this work, Cal. I promise.”

Ashton hoped Calum could see how much he meant that as he sat back on his heels, taking in the younger boy’s splotchy face as he exhaled shakily, dropping his head into his thin hands for a moment.

“You mean the _world_ to me, Cal, and I can’t stand to see you like this,” Ashton reminded him, giving Calum’s bony knee a gentle squeeze. “ _None_ of us can… and… and I’m sorry it took me so long to say this. I’m sorry that I couldn’t _help_ you... but I want to change that now… so… so yeah,” Ashton finished lamely, hanging his head and rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. “That’s about it probably.”

Ashton wasn’t expecting the watery laugh that followed that statement but, when he looked up and saw the faintest glimmer of light in Calum’s eyes, he felt something ease inside of him.

“You’re so _lame_ ,” Calum mumbled tearfully but he sniffed hard, finally getting himself back under control. Before Ashton had time to think, Calum had pulled his best friend into such a tight hug that he was actually kind of _strangling_ him but Ashton was _definitely_ not going to be the one to mention that.

“You’re gonna be okay, Cal,” Ashton said with a certainty that he was maybe _finally_ starting to feel. “Now c’mon. Let’s go see your sister.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this was okay!  
> There's not a particularly nice chapter up next and there'll probably be one last unpleasant **Thing** \- and then we're homeward bound! (Kind of...)  
>  Please let me know what you thought if you don't hate me too much <3


	139. A Lost Cause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Graham was practically_ shaking _with rage he stood there, his hands balled into fists as a shudder ran through him, like he couldn’t decide which of Michael's parents he wanted to hit first._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really, really sorry.  
> Hopefully this is the last time I'll have to apologise though so that's something... right?  
> (Please don't hate me.)

**_It’s dark in a cold December,_ **

**_But I’ve got you to keep me warm._ **

**_If you’re broken I will mend you,_ **

**_And keep you sheltered from the storm that’s raging on, now._ **

_\- Lego House, Ed Sheeran_

 

Sharon had left the waiting room when Harry had stuck his head in fifteen minutes after Mali had led Calum away with an arm wrapped gently around his waist, asking for help.

Sharon’s face had been grimmer than ever as she followed the younger man out of the room but – as horrible as it sounded – Ashton was actually kind of _relieved_ she had gone.

The tension had been rolling off of her in waves and it had very clearly been putting an already-distressed Luke even further on edge.

It was only the blond boy, Ashton and Graham left in the waiting room now, sitting in silence as the clock ticked loudly on the wall and the water cooler bubbled.

Graham let out a soft sigh and both boys looked up at him.

“I’m going to go and get some paracetamol from my locker. You guys want anything while I’m down there?” the nurse asked quietly and Ashton shook his head, running a hand through his curls ruefully.

“Thanks anyway,” Ashton muttered gratefully. Graham’s smile was weak as he left.

The silence seemed to grow and the blinds swayed almost unnoticeably in the small breeze the gentle closing of the door caused. Luke’s sob sounded _loud_ in the quiet.

Ashton’s heart ached.

“Come here, babe,” he said softly, settling back more comfortably in his horrible chair and pulling the blond boy gently into his lap. More sobs spilt out of Luke and Ashton held him, rocking him slowly as he pressed soft kisses to Luke’s forehead, trying to calm him.

“Cal and… and Mikey… they’ll be okay, Luke,” Ashton promised, even though he wasn’t sure that was true anymore. Michael had been in surgery for _so_ long and all of the doctors that Graham had stopped had refused to say anything.

Ashton was _praying_ that this was a case of ‘No news is good news’ but, really, when had _any_ of his prayers ever been answered? They could only hope now, and it didn’t feel like anything _close_ to enough.

“ _Ashy_ ,” Luke sobbed into Ashton’s neck and he sounded like **Calum** had done, and that only cut Ashton deeper as he fought to keep his own tears in. He rubbed Luke’s back gently, carding his long fingers through the blond boy’s hair with his free hand as he pressed another kiss to his forehead.

They were both sleepy and tearful now but neither of them wanted to go home – not when the stress was getting to them like it was – and the fear of not knowing about Calum wasn’t helping anything either.

“I’ve got you, Lukey,” Ashton breathed but, before he could say anything else, the waiting room door swung open and two familiar faces appeared.

Ashton bit down hard on his bottom lip, even as he tightened his grip when Luke let out a whimper when the sound of the door hitting the wall startled him.

“Mr and Mrs Clifford,” Ashton said softly, _sadly_. “It’s been a while.”

Karen Clifford took in the bruising on Ashton’s face, glanced at Luke still in Ashton’s lap, and she  _sneered_ , and Ashton realised that maybe he hadn’t been paying enough attention to _Michael’s_ parents either.

“Quite,” Karen said coldly, sitting down as far from Ashton and Luke as it was possible to _get_. Her husband Daryl sat down quietly beside her, keeping his green gaze fixed on his hands as they twisted together nervously in his lap.

“I suppose you two were involved in this mishap then?” Karen asked uninterestedly, checking her eye makeup in a small pocket mirror and fluffing her dyed hair a little to give it more volume.

Ashton felt his stomach churn with nausea.

“No, it – it was an accident,” Ashton breathed out, focusing on the smooth warmth of Luke’s back through his sweatshirt as he continued to stroke him gently. “Cal… fell into the road. Mike saved him.”

It wasn’t _quite_ the truth but, in this case, Ashton thought maybe a little white lie might be what was best for everyone.

When he glanced down and saw Luke’s ocean-blue eyes shining up at him from where his face was pressed to the older boy’s chest, Ashton knew Luke agreed with him.

“That Hood boy always _was_ a menace,” Karen said disapprovingly, smoothing her blazer and checking something on her phone. “His sister was no better,” she continued distractedly, smiling a little as she tapped out a reply. “Always running away and being a nuisance. It was _ridiculous_ behaviour.”

Daryl grunted something unintelligible when Karen turned to look at her husband impatiently and Ashton felt a frown forming on his face as he dropped a kiss onto Luke’s cheekbone. The frown deepened when Karen’s lip curled at that.

“So you’re gay, Ashton?” Karen asked bluntly, tapping her manicured nails on the armrest of the plastic seat and scrutinising them both. “What would your mother have said, I wonder?”

Ashton’s mouth fell open but no sound came out. He felt like someone had just tipped icy water all over him and it was only Luke scrambling to his feet that broke the older boy from his stupor.

“How _dare_ you?!” the blond boy half-shouted, pointing a shaking finger at Karen threateningly, even as he kept his free hand firmly on Ashton’s shoulder, like he was trying to anchor himself. “Ash has dealt with nothing but shit these last few years – just like Calum has! Just like your fucking _son_ has, not that I’d expect _you_ to know that after what I’ve just seen! – and you think you have _any_ right to say things like that to him?! Who the hell do you think you _are_?”

The last sentence was spoken much more quietly, Luke’s tone saturated with disbelief as he squeezed Ashton’s shoulder comfortingly, apparently trying to convey without words that he wasn’t going to let him go anytime soon.

Ashton’s vision was blurry and it took him a moment to realise that it was because his eyes had filled with tears.

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that!” Karen argued back but she looked wrong-footed now, like she hadn’t been prepared for the response she got. “Calum and your little _boyfriend_ have been terrible influences on Michael! He was a good boy once – he did his homework; he didn’t dye his hair or have his _face_ pierced –” Karen paused to shudder and Ashton could feel his expression icing over, even as the tears continued to fall down his cheeks like the rain battering the glass outside. “– and then _Calum_ happened and now my son’s been turned! It’s disgusting!”

Daryl drooped down in his seat beside his wife and Ashton was reminded forcibly of Luke’s mother, of how her failing to act had ended up being _just_ as damaging as her husband’s actions were.

Ashton could see that the same thing was happening here, even if he hadn’t realised it before this point.

“Not that he _is_ gay if you had ever bothered to pay attention but, for your information, being gay isn’t something that _happens_ to you,” a low voice said coldly and it took Ashton a moment to realise that it was _him_ speaking. “It’s just who you _are_ and that’s _nothing_ to be ashamed of.”

It took Ashton a moment to remember where he’d heard those words before but, when he remembered Michael promising them to him softly as they sat huddled up in his bedroom, Ashton felt a pain in his chest and his breath began to come in ragged gasps.

“I… am _sickened_ ,” Ashton said slowly and his eyes widened fractionally when he saw Graham standing frozen in the doorway, his expression _betrayed_ almost as he stared in appalled shock at his brother and sister-in-law.

“I’d hoped Michael was exaggerating but… turns out he wasn’t,” Graham said softly as he entered the waiting room, and Karen and Daryl _froze_. Graham’s brother looked ashamed but Karen fired up at once.

“First you steal our son away from us and now you’re making up lies about him!” She looked furious and her eyes were glittering with malice, and Luke’s hand tightened comfortingly on Ashton’s shoulder as the older boy let his head hang for a moment, struggling to draw in a deep enough breath.

“I suppose you’re very proud of yourself, aren’t you? Well I don’t want one of _those_ for a son!” Karen hissed and her eyes were _venomous_ as she glared over towards Ashton and Luke. Graham stepped in front of the two of them protectively.

“I thought we could fix Michael at first,” Karen said in a quieter, colder tone, even as her dark lips twisted around her only child’s name. Daryl’s cheeks were flushed but he stayed silent, cowardly to the end. “I thought it could be knocked out of him but… he was a lost cause from the very start, wasn’t he?"

Karen looked disgusted and Ashton felt the colour draining from his face because… because had she just said ‘ _knocked out of him_ ’? That sounded like what had happened to _Luke_ and, suddenly, Michael’s carefully controlled reaction when he had discovered what Andrew Hemmings and his other sons had done made _sense_.

Ashton felt like he was going to be sick.

“I wasted almost eighteen years trying to raise that boy right,” Karen said suddenly, shaking her head slowly with revulsion. “All he did was fail his exams and truant school and waste money on _hair dye_. He drank and went to clubs even though we tried our hardest to get him to stay at home and conduct himself _properly_ … and it was all for nothing.”

“So you basically hate everything about Mike then,” Luke interjected quietly, trembling visibly enough that Ashton reached up shakily to cover Luke’s pale hand with his own. At the back of Ashton’s mind, he was marvelling over the fact that things had changed between Luke and Michael so much.

Graham was practically _shaking_ with rage as he stood there, his hands balled into fists as a shudder ran through him, like he couldn’t decide which of Michael's parents he wanted to hit first.

“Michael is a _brilliant_ kid but _none_ of that is on you two,” Graham said quietly, almost seething with rage now. His tone was so, _so_ calm though, and it put Ashton on edge, making the hairs on the back of his neck rise. “You two did _nothing_ for Michael. You don’t deserve to call someone as incredible as him your son!”

“Weren’t you listening, you _stupid_ man?!” Karen spat, curling her own hands into fists as she glared at her brother-in-law. “I don’t _want_ him as a son! Not when he’s the way he is! Not anymore! He’s a lost cause and he makes me _sick_! And Daryl feels the same! _Don’t_ you, Daryl?”

The silence in the room was painful and, as the seconds ticked by, Ashton’s heart began to race faster. Luke’s hand was sweaty in his, and the blond boy’s face was splotchy and red with humiliated anger, even as he stared at Karen and Daryl in shocked incredulity, like he couldn’t believe what he was witnessing.

“ _Yes_ ,” Daryl said hoarsely, even as his shoulders slumped further, like the weight of the world was crushing him.

Ashton found a tiny bitter part of himself hoping that it _would_.

“Get out,” Graham choked and his eyes were blazing as shudders tore through his narrow frame. “Get our right fucking now and _never_ come near Michael again because –”

Someone cleared their throat delicately from the doorway and five pairs of wild, frenzied eyes snapped up to stare at the intruder.

It was a surgeon with iron-grey hair in a dirty mint green tunic, stained with something that looked a _lot_ like blood.

“You’re all here for Michael Clifford?” he asked and, once he had ascertained that Michael’s parents were present, his already-grave expression became even more sombre. “It’s… not good news I’m afraid.”

His voice was exhausted and strained, and Ashton realised suddenly that this was one of the surgeons who had been operating on Michael for close to five hours now.

“There were complications during surgery.” The surgeon’s eyes were a clear, cold blue but there was sorrow buried in his cool gaze. “We lost him three times but he kept fighting.”

“ _And_?” Graham croaked, staring at the surgeon with so much agony in his eyes that it hurt to _look_ at. Ashton knew he must seem just as bad though.

He couldn’t _breathe_ properly anymore.

“I can only express my deepest apologies,” the doctor began and Ashton’s _heart_ stopped, froze over in his chest and refused to beat until he’d heard the rest of the words. “Your son has fallen into a coma,” the surgeon said softly, his tone almost _apologetic_ as he directed his words at Karen and a pale-faced Daryl.

Graham made a sound like he was choking. “I – when’s he going to wake up?” the nurse breathed and Daryl was shaking now, even as Karen just stared at the surgeon blankly, like it was too much to take in anymore.

Luke was trembling violently beside the older boy and Ashton… _couldn’t_.

“It’s unclear when – or if – he will regain consciousness,” the surgeon said quietly and he sounded slightly more _human_ when he spoke next. “We just don’t know. I’m so sorry.”

The surgeon excused himself quickly after that and Ashton’s thoughts were reeling like a whirlpool in his head as he lurched from one worst case scenario to the next.

Luke was crouching down in front of him, his little hands tight on Ashton’s shoulders as he shook him and tried to calm Ashton down through their tears, but the words weren’t sinking in properly anymore.

“Michael is _your_ problem now.”

 _Those_ words filtered through and an inhuman-sounding sob tore out of Ashton as he saw Karen’s dark lips form the words. Graham crumpled into a chair nearby as his sister-in-law spoke and she stormed out, her hand vice-tight around her husband’s wrist, like _manacles_ almost, and Ashton thought that no one had ever deserved a prison sentence like that _more_ than Daryl Clifford did then.

The plastic chair Ashton had been sitting in clattered to the floor and he realised belatedly that he’d thrown himself forwards into Luke’s arms but that the blond boy hadn’t been able to support his weight in time, and now they were both curled up against one of the horrible mint green walls as they held each other.

Luke was falling apart as he clung to his boyfriend and, for the first time that evening, Ashton let himself lose control too.

The rest of the night passed in a blur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so mean and I'm so sorry.  
> But, on the upside, that was the last **Thing**!  
>  Um... there's still angst and stuff coming but it's not even _close_ to this level and now I can finally start cleaning up the mess I've made!  
>  Please don't hate me of my god. Also... y'know... you could leave a comment if you _wanted_...  
>  The end is closer than ever!


	140. Maybe Just Hurting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke pressed a gentle kiss to Ashton’s shoulder and another tear rolled down the smaller boy’s cheek._  
>  _“Don’t be frightened, Ashy,” Luke breathed through the darkness, apparently correctly interpreting the shudders running through Ashton’s narrow frame as he fought to keep his sobs locked in._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angsty and fluffy and vaguely sickening

**_Once upon a different life,_ **

**_We rode our bikes into the sky,_ **

**_But now we call against the tide,_ **

**_Those distant days are flashing by._ **

_\- Hold Back The River, James Bay_

 

The next three months passed in fits and starts.

The bungalow was quiet and still, and the days were cold and grey, the sun shining too softly to burn through the cloud.

Ashton’s birthday had been a quiet affair. He’d asked Luke not to buy him a present and the blond boy had found a loophole, writing Ashton a damn _song_ instead, but that was one of the only bright points in that long stretch of bleak darkness.

Although most of Ashton’s exams that he had missed during his recovery in the hospital were spread out over the next few weeks, he had already taken three of them and he thought they’d probably gone _okay_ (although maybe not the maths one). Luke had got his exam results back too and he’d passed well enough that he could go to university if he wanted.

Luke didn’t want to though.

He’d shot that idea down the very _moment_ Ashton had mentioned it, insisting instead that he’d be much happier just staying in Sydney and getting a job that gave him enough time to focus on his music.

Ashton hoped Luke wasn’t only staying to be with him but he knew that, at the end of the day, it wasn’t his decision.

This was Luke’s life, to make his own choices in, and Ashton could live with that – _especially_ when those choices meant that the pair of them could be together.

That didn’t mean Ashton didn’t still feel _guilty_ about it though and, one morning when he was washing up at the sink, and Luke padded in with sleep-rumpled hair and bare feet to wrap his arms around Ashton’s waist, the older boy let out a sad sigh as he slumped in Luke’s grip.

“What if you regret not going to university one day?” Ashton asked weakly and Luke’s smile was almost as soft as the hands he gently cupped the older boy’s jaw with when he turned Ashton to face him.

“I absolutely _promise_ that I’d regret not staying here with you more,” Luke had whispered before he ducked his head and caught Ashton’s mouth in a soft chaste kiss.

“I _love_ you,” Luke had said softly, fixing Ashton with a surprisingly hard stare as he ran his fingers through the smaller boy’s curls absently. “And I’m _not_ going to leave you. Not **ever** , Ash. Please believe that, yeah? You have to listen to me. I’m an _adult_.”

“You’re insufferable,” Ashton had teased back – and really, that was only a _slight_ exaggeration because Luke was telling anyone who would stand still long enough that he was eighteen now – and that had been the end of that.

Ashton stopped worrying and Luke looked more relaxed, even _despite_ the tightness that had settled over his features since that fateful night three months ago when everything had changed irrevocably.

Every morning when the older boy woke up with Luke lying safely in his arms, Ashton counted his blessings.

In the light of what had happened to Michael – and with Calum locked away safely in the hospital – Ashton’s anxiety was almost _crippling_ but the knot hadn’t returned to his chest, and he thought that was all entirely to do with the love Luke showered him in.

Ashton never felt _completely_ calm anymore, and his nightmares were about different things now – Michael’s limp body hitting the concrete and Calum running into the road as Ashton missed grabbing him by mere _millimetres_ – but he often woke with a start and ended up crying softly in the darkness, long after Luke had fallen asleep.

That was happening now.

Ashton’s hazel eyes had snapped open and the tears had boiled down his cheeks as he covered his mouth with his hands, trying to keep his sobs in. He vaguely registered that it was almost half past four in the morning but he didn’t get any further than that because his boyfriend had just sat up beside him, his blond hair in disarray as he blinked sleepily at Ashton.

“ _Ashy_?” Luke’s voice was soft through the darkness and Ashton let out a sob, turning his back on Luke and curling up so that his face was hidden in the pillow.

“You don’t have to hide, Ash,” Luke whispered and he sounded so _sad_ that Ashton looked over his shoulder at Luke despite himself, his tears glistening on his cheeks in the dim glow of the moonlight through their curtains.

“Babe,” Luke murmured, his cool fingertips shaking a little as he brushed the tears from Ashton’s cheeks. “Come here.”

Ashton shifted back until he was pressed comfortingly against Luke. The blond boy had opted to sleep only in his underwear the night before so, when he pulled Ashton even closer to him in a hug, the older boy stroked the pale skin of Luke’s arms gently, trying to warm him.

Luke pressed a gentle kiss to Ashton’s shoulder and another tear rolled down the smaller boy’s cheek.

“Don’t be frightened, Ashy,” Luke breathed through the darkness, apparently correctly interpreting the shudders running through Ashton’s narrow frame as he fought to keep his sobs locked in.

“Cal’s going to get better – they already said he’s making great progress! – and… and Mike’s in the best place for him right now, and his condition’s still stable, right?” Luke said softly, his voice reassuring as he held Ashton closer than ever when a ragged sob left the smaller boy.

“Ashy, this isn’t your fault. _None_ of this is your fault and you _have_ to stop trying to carry everything yourself because it’s _hurting_ you!”

Ashton blinked, his tired brain struggling to process that. When the curly-haired boy _did_ grasp what Luke was saying though, he felt guilty because his boyfriend was _right_ and Ashton was letting what had happened to everyone else hurt him… hurt their _relationship_ … hurt **Luke...**  and that was never, _ever_ okay.

“Why do I have to listen to you? Because you’re eighteen?” Ashton teased weakly but his eyes were still wet with tears so he ducked his head to dry them subtly on the corner of the duvet. Luke pressed another kiss to Ashton’s shoulder.

“ _No_ ,” he said, absently tickling Ashton’s sides just enough that the older boy squirmed, huffing out a breathless laugh as he grabbed Luke’s hands, clutching them to his chest to keep them still.

“Nice distraction,” Ashton muttered, rolling his reddened eyes and managing a slightly watery smile. Luke ducked his head to mouth distractedly at the warm skin of Ashton’s bare shoulder.

“Thank you,” Luke said wryly, his voice muffled, and Ashton rolled his eyes again, letting his head fall to the side so that he could see Luke’s face.

“I’m too tired for sex things,” he said, stifling a yawn as he spoke. Luke pouted but he was smiling a little bit as he shook his head ruefully.

“Too tired for sex things,” he said gravely, kissing the corner of Ashton’s mouth lightly instead. “Whatever shall we do?”

“You could sing instead, if you _wanted_ to,” Ashton mumbled, sniffing and drying the last of his tears away as he settled down more comfortably on his back. Luke slumped down over him, wrapping his arms around Ashton’s waist as he used the older boy’s bare chest as some sort of pillow.

“What do you want me to sing?” Luke asked softly, sounding a bit calmer now.

Ashton hesitated, biting his full bottom lip in the darkness, before he gave a slight shrug, settling back more comfortably in the pillows as he stroked the soft smooth skin of Luke’s broad shoulders.

“My birthday song,” Ashton decided but Luke just pouted at him and Ashton smiled weakly at him. “ _Please_ can you sing it?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“You’re a _dick_ now you’re an adult, Lukey.”

“Oh please – you _love_ my dick,” Luke retorted and Ashton’s eyes were sparkling when he pulled the blond boy down for a gentle kiss.

“I love _you_.”

Luke’s ocean-blue eyes got all soft and Ashton smiled sleepily when the blond boy curled up beside him, tucking his head safely under Ashton’s chin.

“ _Please_ sing,” Ashton prompted and Luke kissed the warm skin of his throat, stroking Ashton’s arms with his small hands as he tangled their legs together.

“Okay,” Luke breathed and his blond hair was growing longer now, almost long enough to be _wavy_ – a fact the older boy noticed when he combed it gently with his long fingers.

Ashton shut his hazel eyes against the darkness of the room and his eyelashes fanned out across the tanned skin of his cheekbones as he began to hum the familiar opening of the song that Luke had called ‘ _Disconnected_ ’ – and Ashton wasn’t particularly surprised that he’d already memorised it now. Ashton had persuaded Luke to film it on his phone for him about a month previously and the older boy had been listening to it on repeat since then.

The blond boy’s lips twitched when he heard Ashton humming as he drummed out a gentle beat with his fingertips in the soft skin of Luke’s hip, and that seemed to give the younger boy the courage he needed.

“ _Oh oh o-o-oh, oh oh o-oh_ ,” Luke began to sing quietly, and although his voice was soft and shy as his breath warmed Ashton’s throat, that only made it all the more beautiful – _perfect_ almost, if such a thing existed.

“ _Life's a tangled web of cell phone calls and hashtag I-don't-knows, and you, you're so caught up in all the blinking lights and dial tones._ ”

Luke’s cheek was still pressed to the warm skin of Ashton’s chest but he was tracing shapes into it idly now before his palm came to rest flat on the skin, where he could feel Ashton’s heartbeat.

“ _I admit I'm a bit of a victim in the worldwide system too, but I've found my sweet escape when I'm alone with you_.”

Ashton kissed the top of Luke’s head, even as he felt himself – impossibly – falling _more_ in love with Luke in that moment. He thought maybe it was because the lyrics hit so close to home.

Luke just _got_ him, in a way that no one else ever had before.

“ _Tune out the static sound of the city that never sleeps. Here in the moment on the dark side of the screen_.”

Ashton could feel his worries slipping away as the words washed over him, and it was like watching Luke dance almost, cathartic in the best possible way.

“ _I like the summer rain. I like the sounds you make. We put the world away. We get so disconnected_.”

Luke’s voice was a little louder now and his eyes were glistening with what were _almost_ tears as his hand slipped up to cup Ashton’s jaw.

“ _You are my getaway. You are my favourite place. We put the world away. Yeah we're so disconnected._ ”

No one had ever written Ashton a song before and, really, he just loved Luke _so_ fucking much. It took his breath away sometimes.

“ _Oh oh o-o-oh, oh oh o-oh_ ,” the blond boy continued softly and, when he opened his mouth to sing the next part, Ashton joined in too.

“ _We're so disconnected. Oh oh o-o-oh, oh oh o-oh_.”

Luke pressed his lips together firmly but they were tugging up into a smile and Ashton knew what was expected of him, and it was only _confirmed_ when Luke held his boyfriend tighter.

Ashton was nervous at the prospect of singing for a moment before he recalled that night in the bathroom with Luke. If he’d survived that, he could survive anything now, and this wasn’t something he needed to be scared of.

This was **theirs**.

“ _Hands around my waist. You're counting up the hills across the sheets,_ ” Ashton sang quietly, opening his eyes fractionally to see Luke watching him with love clear on his face. “ _And I'm a falling star, a glimmer lighting up these cotton streets. I admit I'm a bit of a fool for playing by the rules, but I've found my sweet escape when I’m alone with you_.”

Ashton bit his lip and Luke picked up where he’d left of, seeming a little bit smug that he’d got Ashton to sing for him _and_ learn the words to a song he’d written, but mostly Luke just looked content.

Ashton wished he’d _always_ look like that.

“ _Tune out the static sound of the city that never sleeps_ ,” Luke sang, his lips brushing the underside of Ashton’s jaw as he snuggled closer. “ _Here in the moment on the dark side of the screen_.”

Luke got distracted when Ashton caught his lips in an easy kiss but, when Luke started pouting, Ashton huffed out another soft laugh, pulling away so that Luke could finish singing.

“ _I like the summer rain. I like the sounds you make. We put the world away. We get so disconnected_ ,” Luke sang but his words were marred by his smile now and his cool hands were warming up beneath the duvet as he stroked Ashton’s sides comfortingly, _just_ hard enough that it didn’t tickle.

“ _You are my getaway. You are my favourite place. We put the world away. Yeah we're so disconnected_.”

By that point, it was quarter to five in the morning and Ashton wasn’t sure he’d be able to go back to sleep now.

Michael’s limp body and Calum’s empty face flickered before Ashton’s eyes and his grip on Luke tightened.

Maybe he _didn’t_ want to go back to sleep after all.

“ _Turn off the radio, those late night TV shows, hang up the telephone, and just be here with me_ …” Luke finished singing quietly, even though there was still a fair bit of the song left, but there was a faint crease to Luke’s brow when he saw the poorly-hidden pain in his boyfriend’s eyes and Ashton sighed, running his large hands up and down the smooth skin of the blond boy’s back to calm himself.

“What is it?” Luke breathed and Ashton felt a tiny humourless smile twisting his lips.

“I hate what’s happened to Mike and Cal more than I hate pretty much _anything_ but…” Ashton faltered, sighing softly, and Luke looked taken aback at the sudden flood of words. “Luke, how you and I are right now… I… I don’t want this to change. Ever.” Ashton shook his head ruefully but his eyes were sad. “Does that make me sound really callous? Or maybe just hurting? I don’t know the difference anymore.”

Luke was silent but he didn’t pull away from the older boy in disgust so maybe Ashton didn’t sound as heartless as he thought he did.

“I just… I want this moment to _last_ ,” Ashton muttered, shaking his head and feeling increasingly stupid the longer the silence stretched on. “As I got older, life got more and more shit and… and I don’t want that to happen to us. I want things to stay _good_ … like they are now, see? I don’t want to lose you.”

Luke clasped Ashton’s hand tightly in both of his own between the sheets.

“Even when we’re old and grey, Ash, I’m going to keep right on loving you,” Luke said seriously and, when his lips met Ashton’s in the gentlest kiss yet, it felt like a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought! :)


	141. Miles Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“When Ashy was sleeping after mummy was gone, he didn’t wake up until Lukey sang to him.” Harry spoke like it made perfect sense and Ashton’s eyes were wet with tears when Luke put his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders comfortingly._  
>  _“Maybe Mikey won’t wake up yet because he needs Calum to sing to him,” Harry said._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The writing style seemed weird to me when I read this back during editing so I'm not sure what happened but hopefully it's okay!  
> I don't know where all of this vaguely angsty fluff is coming from either. Maybe I'm just getting sentimental that this fic is nearing the end. (For those of you asking, I'd estimate that there's probably around 10-15 chapters left, give or take a few if I get carried away - which, let's face it, could happen.)  
> Hopefully this doesn't suck though <3  
> Enjoy x

**_I don’t need easy if you’re there for me to lean on._ **

**_I went looking with my eyes closed._ **

**_Now I know I’ve found the one._ **

_\- Too Young To Feel This Old, You Me At Six_

 

Luke felt strange as he stood on the damp grass with Ashton’s large hand wrapped warmly around his. They were standing by the splintering arch behind the trees that grew around the deserted beach carpark, and Luke felt _odd_ as he gazed out over the calm waters, uninterrupted now that the rotting wood of the pier had been washed away.

Ashton’s head was resting on Luke’s shoulder and the blond boy raised his hand to card his fingers gently through his boyfriend’s curls when he realised that something wasn’t quite right.

“You look smaller,” Luke said suddenly, dropping his hand to wrap his arm securely around Ashton’s waist instead. The older boy rolled his eyes but he was smiling a bit wistfully as his hand fisted in the soft material of the blond boy’s t-shirt, holding him close.

“I think maybe it’s just that you’re still growing, Lukey,” Ashton said and Luke sucked his lip-ring into his mouth, feeling unsettled without really knowing _why_.

“Can we go home?” Ashton asked suddenly, startling Luke from his thoughts. “I’m tired.”

Luke was tired too. It had been a _long_ day.

Once the pair of them were ready, Ashton had driven them to the hospital.

First they’d sat beside Michael’s bed for half an hour – there was still no notable change in his condition but the doctors hadn’t given up hope yet, and that was something for Luke and Ashton to hold onto when everything seemed too hopeless – and they’d spent the rest of their morning with Calum.

The dark-haired boy was only allowed visitors once a week and, although Luke felt sorry for Calum since it was more than clear that he was going a bit stir-crazy in the hospital, he could tell it was helping.

He’d made a lot of progress physically – although he was still thin compared to how he’d been before, he wasn’t just skin and bones anymore, and that was _so_ reassuring to see – and although Calum was naturally heartbroken about Michael, the medication he was taking was keeping him slightly calmer than he would have been.

There were no new cuts on his arms now.

His hospital room was bright and airy, and even if the bottom of Calum’s sink _had_ been replaced with a bucket so he couldn’t purge without someone finding out, the dark-haired boy had said himself that it was better than living at home, even if he _couldn’t_ play Fifa here.

Calum’s newfound optimism was the source of a lot of poorly-concealed distress for Luke.

Watching Calum try to make the best of a bad situation was _incredibly_ painful and, more than once, Luke had seen Ashton mumbling something about getting fresh air before he went to stand by the window with his back to Calum as tears rolled down his cheeks.

It actually surprised Luke how little Calum _did_ cry these days, even when the topic of Michael was brought up.

Luke recognised the slightly manic light dancing in Calum’s eyes though, recognised it for the denial it so clearly was and, _really_ , who were Luke and Ashton to take that from him?

If convincing himself that Michael was going to wake up actually _okay_ again was the only thing getting Calum through the days, they couldn’t extinguish that hope in good faith.

The pair of them had driven to buy brunch in town and, after a few hours of lounging around in the pool in Sharon's garden, Luke and Ashton had decided to spend the rest of the afternoon taking a long walk to visit the older boy’s grandmother and siblings since it was a relatively sunny day. They’d held hands and, seemingly on a whim, Ashton had asked Luke if they could walk past his mum’s old house.

Ashton had mumbled something about closure and, although Luke had _really_ not been certain, it had worked out well enough in the end.

The house was boarded up but the front garden had exploded in a riot of weeds and long grass, and there were even wildflowers growing there, swaying in the green sea of the unkempt lawn like tiny ships.

Ashton had stood there in silence for a long, _long_ time before, finally, he had turned round and given Luke a small, faint smile. His hazel eyes were dry.

“It’s done,” Ashton had said softly and, although Luke still wasn’t _completely_ sure what the older boy meant, he thought he understood all the same. It was finally over.

Ashton looked like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and, although Luke felt a strong sense of foreboding as they got closer to his old house – something that Ashton had already been worried about – Luke simply squeezed Ashton’s hand reassuringly and took a deep breath to calm himself, even if he _did_ suddenly realise how much he missed Molly – and he didn’t miss his mum. (Or he didn’t _want_ to at least, and that was _almost_ the same thing.)

Things were different now, and Luke hoped that meant that it was all going to be okay.

Ashton’s grandpa was out when they got there luckily but his nan was waiting to hug them both which was sweet.

Luke liked Grace.

There was something steely about her beneath the soft exterior and he knew she wouldn’t take shit from anyone. Luke thought it was an admirable quality and, although Ashton had laughed when Luke had relayed this to him, he had known by the shining in the older boy’s eyes that he agreed too.

When the topic of Michael had come up in conversation though, Ashton’s eyes had dimmed a little and Luke had had to bite down hard on his bottom lip to stop it from wobbling.

“Harry, I told you and Lauren not to talk about that for a _reason_ ,” Grace had reprimanded Ashton’s little brother softly. “You don’t want to make Ashton and Luke sad, do you?”

“No,” the little boy mumbled, ducking his head, and Ashton reached out to pull his brother into a hug. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, buddy,” the curly-haired boy said and Harry bit his lip as they sat on the sofas in the Irwin’s living room. Luke saw the curiosity in the little boy’s eyes and he braced himself for another question that was probably going to stab him in the heart too.

“Maybe Mike won’t wake up until he has Calum back again.”

The silence that followed Harry’s statement was contemplative.

“What do you mean?” Lauren asked at last, still looking a bit red-eyed, and it took Luke a moment to remember _why_ before he recalled what Ashton had said once about her having a crush on Michael.

“Well…” Harry went red when he looked up and found everyone’s eyes fixed on his face but he still ploughed on anyway, and Luke had to admire the little boy’s courage. He’d been as quiet as a _ghost_ at that age and that was _before_ everything had gone to hell.

“When Ashy was sleeping after mummy was gone, he didn’t wake up until Lukey sang to him.” Harry spoke like it made perfect sense and Ashton’s eyes were wet with tears when Luke put his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders comfortingly.

“Maybe Mikey won’t wake up yet because he needs Calum to sing to him,” Harry said.

Luke’s throat closed up and he blinked hard to clear his eyes, rubbing the back of his neck shamefacedly when he felt a tear run down his cheek.

He wished it was as easy as that. He _wished_ Calum could just turn up and sing Michael’s favourite song, and the blue-haired boy would wake up and tell them all to stop being idiots, and just be _exactly_ the same Mikey he had once been.

Luke wished for it so much it _hurt_.

“That’s a nice idea, Harry,” Grace said softly but her eyes were faraway now, and clouded with sadness. “When does Calum get out of the hospital?”

Ashton shrugged, the movement jostling Luke a little as he held the older boy closer.

“About a month maybe?” Luke suggested but he had been left in the dark by the doctors too. “We’re not sure yet.”

“Oh.”

The silence after that conversation stretched on and, after a moment, Grace had looked up at the older boys apologetically before hinting to Ashton that her husband might like to make amends.

Ashton had shut that down quickly though, much to Luke’s carefully hidden relief, and the silence had been even _more_ strained after that until, quite suddenly, Harry had blurted out: “Mikey’s like sleeping beauty.”

The little boy clearly hadn’t been listening but Luke laughed softly anyway, grateful for the lack of tension that that statement caused.

Ashton laughed too but he was laughing just a little bit _too_ hard and Luke knew that was because, if he stopped laughing now, he’d just start crying instead.

“He’d hate that so much,” Ashton muttered, shaking his head ruefully as he finally calmed down. Luke squeezed Ashton’s shoulder gently and smiled the weakest smile ever.

“I know he would.”

The rest of the afternoon had passed relatively slowly and Luke had been relieved to head back outside with Ashton at around four o’clock. They’d walked back through the town and, impulsively, they had decided to visit the spot where the pier had once stood.

That was where they were now, standing under the vast sky as the sun slowly sank below the horizon. There were gulls circling overhead and the breeze was rustling the leaves on the trees and –

“ _Luke_ ,” Ashton whined, tugging at the taller boy’s arm. “Can we _please_ go back home now?”

The blond boy shook his head to clear it, looking down at Ashton with a slightly sheepish smile.

“Sorry, I was miles away,” the blond boy muttered and Ashton shook his head fondly, looking tired and vaguely doting as he reached up to stroke Luke’s cheek gently. “We can go now though,” Luke promised, leaning into the touch subtly.

“You sure you’re listening?” Ashton teased even though that didn't really make sense and Luke felt a stupid little smile tugging at his lips as he looked down at Ashton... at Ashton who he loved more than anyone or anything, and who _was_ his home really, if they were going to be picky about it.

Ashton was his whole **world**.

“Yeah, cheeky,” Luke muttered, catching Ashton’s hand in his own and towing him back up the grassy slope towards the road that would lead them back to the bungalow. The breeze was ruffling their hair and clothes but Ashton's hand was warm and secure around Luke's, and they both knew they wouldn't be letting go anytime soon. “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> There's some smut next and then a bit of development for our newer characters, and then I can fix things and tie up the loose ends!  
> Thank you all so much for reading this fic <3


	142. The Only Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton’s face softened, became melancholy and miserable and_ adoring _, and the heart-breaking beauty of it stole Luke’s breath from his lungs._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to upload this like three times. Sigh.

**_‘Cause we’re circles,_ **

**_We’re circles you see._ **

**_We go round, round the sun,_ **

**_In and out like the sea._ **

**_I’ll circle round you,_ **

**_You will circle round me._ **

_\- Circles, Passenger_

 

Ashton was ebbing.

That was the only way Luke could think of to describe it.

His boyfriend had completed all of his exams now and he’d received a letter from his grandpa too that was basically an apology and a wish for them to reconcile – and, sure, maybe Ashton _had_ thrown the letter across the room in disgust but he’d _also_ gone to retrieve it a short while after, gazing down at the inked letters looking completely _lost_ until Luke saw fit to distract him from it – but that didn’t seem to make the older boy feel any better.

Seemingly without reason, he’d look up suddenly with dread in his beautiful hazel eyes and he wouldn’t calm until Luke was holding him close again, wrapping one arm firmly around the smaller boy’s waist as he gently tilted his chin up for a kiss.

Luke was relieved that that seemed to help though and he had to wonder if maybe his boyfriend was still afraid that Luke was going to leave him or that they would lose each other or something.

Luke hated that Ashton was hurting but at least this _was_ something he could help with, even if the only way to do that _was_ by sticking around for the rest of his life (and, since Luke planned on doing that _anyway_ , it was kind of a win-win situation to be perfectly honest).

Ashton was worse at night though, and it wasn’t just the constant nightmares plaguing him anymore.

It was the fear of _abandonment_ that made Ashton feel small and panicky and, more than anything else, _vulnerable_ – and Luke knew how Ashton _hated_ to feel vulnerable.

There were some situations where words just didn’t help and this seemed to be one of them so, during those times, Luke simply settled down over Ashton and, with his hands gently stroking Ashton’s curls in a way that he knew the older boy _loved_ , Luke kissed him calm again.

That had happened almost every night over the past week so Luke wasn’t exactly _surprised_ when, at just after one in the morning, Ashton’s arms suddenly tightened around his boyfriend like a vice as he plastered himself to Luke’s side, huddling up beneath the duvet.

“Ashy?” Luke breathed and he huffed out a breath when Ashton’s grip only tightened in response. Luke winced a bit. “Ash, are you trying to break my ribs or something? _Ouch_ ,” he said pointedly, only half-joking.

His boyfriend’s face fell and Luke’s heart clenched in his chest.

“Sorry,” Ashton whispered, pulling away completely, even as his expression became _bereft_ when his boyfriend was no longer touching him. Luke’s eyes were sad as he followed Ashton.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Luke whispered, settling down so that his head was on the same pillow as Ashton’s. They were so close that the tips of their noses brushed together and it was because of their proximity that, even in the dimness of the room, Luke saw Ashton’s eyes fill with tears again.

“ _Ash_ …” Luke’s voice was heavy in the darkness but his fingers were light and cool as they brushed the older boy’s tears away. “I know it’s a _lot_ easier said than done but I… I’m not leaving you. I’m _never_ leaving you. I don’t ever want to be without you, yeah? So I’m here for as long as you want me.”

Ashton exhaled shakily, relaxing a little as his large trembling hand crept up to cup Luke’s cheek gently.

“I used to read Lauren and Harry these Winnie the Pooh books when they were really little,” Ashton breathed suddenly, his unexpected train of thought surprising Luke as they lay there. “Did you ever read them?”

“Yeah,” Luke said, smiling weakly as he remembered. “I always wanted to be Christopher Robin.”

“I always wanted to be _Piglet_ ,” Ashton said, frowning slightly. Luke’s lips twitched and Ashton poked his cheek gently in a reproach. “Y’know… there was a quote in there and… and it’s kind of how I feel about you, you know that?”

“’ _A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise_ ’?” Luke suggested innocently and Ashton giggled, elbowing Luke gently in the side.

“Stop being a dick!” he admonished, even as the laughter danced in his eyes, and Luke didn’t regret his terrible joke even for a _moment_.

“What’s the quote?” Luke asked quietly once his boyfriend had calmed and Ashton’s face softened, became melancholy and miserable and _adoring_ , and the heart-breaking beauty of it stole Luke’s breath from his lungs.

“’ _If you live to be one hundred, I hope I live to be one hundred minus one day, so I never have to be without you_ ’.”

Luke’s eyes swam with burning tears and the lump in his throat was doing its best to cut off his air supply, and he pulled Ashton into a gentle hug, burying his face in the older boy’s neck and breathing in the comforting smell as he tried not to lose it completely.

“Well it’s not quite Pete Wentz but A. A. Milne knew what he was talking about…” Luke choked out and he was relatively surprised when his voice only shook a little bit.

Ashton’s hazel eyes were gleaming with overflowing tears now and Luke cupped his damp cheeks gently, letting his forehead fall to rest against Ashton’s.

His heart ached in his chest because Ashton was so fucking _cheesy_ sometimes but that only made Luke love him _more_.

“That day without you would be the worst day of my life,” Luke whispered and, somehow, they were kissing, their mouths sliding messily together as the tears boiled down Luke’s cheeks and a sob tore its way out of the older boy.

“ _More_ ,” Ashton mumbled against Luke’s lips and the blond boy settled down over Ashton carefully without breaking away, deepening the kiss once they were both comfortable.

Ashton’s hands ran down the blond boy’s sides and came to rest on Luke’s arse, kneading the warm flesh through the thin fabric of Luke’s pyjama trousers as the blond boy groaned into Ashton’s mouth.

“Touch me,” Ashton pleaded when Luke broke away to breathe again and Ashton’s hips jerked up when he felt Luke sucking a bruise into his neck. “ _Please_ , Luke,” he gasped, needy now. “ _Please_.”

Ashton’s hazel eyes were soft and unfocused, dark with lust and falling shut when Luke stroked his honey-coloured curls, and even _they_ were soft – as soft as Ashton’s tanned skin and gentle words and long eyelashes fluttering against Luke’s cheekbones.

Everything _about_ Ashton was soft – soft _soft **soft**_ – except for his cock.

 _That_ was hard as it caught against Luke’s, trapped between their bodies, and Ashton was soaking the front of his boxers. Luke could _feel_ it as they rocked against each other and it was so _good_ , better than it had any right to be.

Luke thought maybe that was just because it was Ashton though.

“ _Daddy_ ,” the blond boy choked out, his eyes rolling back a little when Ashton’s large hands slipped into his boyfriend’s boxers so that he could fill his palms with the warm flesh as he pressed Luke closer.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ashton hissed when Luke’s hand wandered down between them to ease into the older boy’s underwear. Luke suppressed his smile at that as he leant forwards to kiss Ashton again, even as a broken whine escaped him when one of Ashton’s hands drifted further down so that his fingertip grazed gently over the blond boy's hole, not even _close_ to enough.

Their tongues dragged lazily together and Ashton’s hands on Luke’s overheated skin felt _amazing_ as the younger boy finally wrapped his own around Ashton’s erection.

“ _Princess_ ,” Ashton moaned, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as Luke shifted so that he could fist Ashton’s cock properly, thrusting clumsily against Ashton’s thigh while the older boy fell apart against him.

“Feel good?” Luke murmured, even though it was pretty clear that it did by the way Ashton was panting into the cold air of their bedroom. Luke liked to check though – he still wasn’t used to taking charge sometimes so it didn’t hurt to make sure.

“ _So_ good,” Ashton choked out reassuringly as his eyes flickered open, revealing _just_ how blown his pupils were. His large hands drifted up to stroke Luke’s shoulders and it was an unbearably sweet action. “ **You’re** so good. I love you, Lukey. _Fuck_ , I love you so _much_.”

Ashton’s hips were jerking and Luke could tell the older boy was close, even as a watery smile spread across Luke’s flushed face when he ducked his head to bite at the older boy’s neck.

“Love you too,” Luke murmured but his breath caught in his throat when one of Ashton’s hands dropped down to palm him through his trousers. “ _Ah_ ,” the blond boy groaned, biting down hard on his lip as he threw his head back. “Ash, _fuck_ , please.”

Luke could feel the pleasure burning low in his gut but he fought against the tide, focusing on Ashton instead as he tightened his grip, letting Ashton fuck his hand.

The older boy was leaking a lot, gliding smoothly through Luke’s fist as his hips juddered, and by the tensing of Ashton’s stomach muscles and the heaving of his breaths, Luke could tell how close his boyfriend was.

Ashton’s moans were strangled and he shuddered when Luke let his fist catch on the head of the older boy’s cock as he kept his pace consistent. Watching Ashton come undone was undeniably hot and Luke’s own breathing was gradually edging towards pants as the fire burnt brighter inside him.

Ashton’s cock was flushed an angry red in Luke’s pale hand and the blond boy’s palm was so slick with pre-cum that Luke had to really focus on tightening his grip because everything was starting to melt into pleasure now, and it made concentrating difficult.

“ _Lukey_ ,” Ashton groaned, his voice cracking and so _rough_ that it sent sparks shooting straight to Luke’s cock, and Ashton’s chest was rising and falling frantically as he clung to Luke now, like he’d suddenly remembered his fears from earlier.

Luke kept his fist moving but he slipped his free arm behind Ashton’s neck so that his boyfriend’s head was cushioned in the crook of the blond boy’s elbow.

“I’m _not_ leaving you,” Luke gasped out and his voice sounded _wrecked_ in the moments before Ashton surged up to kiss him desperately, sucking Luke’s tongue into his mouth as the blond boy groaned.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ashton whimpered when Luke’s thumb brushed over his slit before his breath caught and his nails dug into the warm skin of Luke’s back through his t-shirt. “ _Lukey, I’m going to_ –”

Luke kissed Ashton slow and deep, swallowing the moans that escaped the older boy when his body stilled beneath Luke’s as his climax crashed over him like a wave.

Luke could feel Ashton’s cum soaking his hand and the older boy’s boxers, felt Ashton’s teeth sinking into Luke’s bottom lip in the moments before his hips finally stopped jerking and he started to breathe again.

Luke slumped down beside him with a whimper, _achingly_ hard now but relieved that he’d made his boyfriend feel so good.

“ _Princess_ ,” Ashton murmured, his voice soft and breathless as he tried to calm his breathing. He reached for Luke blindly in the darkness. “Princess, c’mere.”

Luke shifted closer, whimpering louder when the duvet dragged against him through his boxers and, honestly, if Luke didn’t cum soon he thought he was going to lose it because the friction was driving him _insane_.

Ashton knelt up to pull the lube out of the drawer and his face was soft as Luke shifted closer, his cock tenting his boxers obscenely as his chest heaved.

“Take ‘em off,” Ashton muttered and Luke wriggled out of his underwear, whining at the cold air and how damn _sensitive_ he felt, and his ocean-blue eyes darkened further as he watched Ashton coating his fist and one finger of his other hand with lube.

“ _Please_ ,” Luke half-sobbed when Ashton let his palm ghost over Luke’s cock, too light to be enough. “Daddy, _please_.”

Ashton silenced Luke with a kiss but the blond boy broke it almost immediately to moan when Ashton began to jerk him off determinedly.

“ _Fuck_ , _fuck_ , _fuck_ ,” Luke mumbled ineloquently because he already felt incredibly close and he was going to finish _embarrassingly_ fast. He could feel it in the burning settling in his thighs.

“ _More_ ,” Luke pleaded anyway, because he was feeling greedy.

Ashton smirked a little bit but he let his lube-wet finger drop down to trace over Luke’s hole and the blond boy’s cock kicked in Ashton’s hand.

Luke was nearing the end now – he could _feel_ it – and Ashton seemed to see it in his face.

He leant down, kissing Luke hot and slow, and the blond boy moaned unashamedly when Ashton began to suck on his tongue again.

Luke’s moans were choked when Ashton began to work his finger in gently and Luke’s hips bucked up as he desperately tried to get more of the older boy inside him. Ashton made the kiss shallower – and it would have been _sweet_ in any other situation – but his finger sank in deeper and deeper until the tip of it brushed deliciously against Luke’s prostate.

Luke was _sobbing_ now and, when they broke apart, Ashton’s cheeks were flushed and his lips were swollen, several shades too dark as they parted to gasp for air, but Luke knew he had to look a _lot_ worse.

His toes were curling and his hair was sticking to his sweaty forehead and there were tears running down his cheeks but he didn’t want the moment to _end_ –

Ashton ducked his head to bite gently at one of Luke’s nipples and everything else faded away, until Ashton’s mouth and his hand and his finger fucking deep inside Luke were the only things left in the world.

Luke clenched down around Ashton and a high-pitched whine tore through him as he came so, _so_ hard.

Ashton kissed his neck, soft and comforting as he gently eased his finger out, letting his now-free hand drop down to stroke Luke’s shaking thighs comfortingly.

“So good for me, princess,” Ashton murmured, his voice thick with longing and _exhaustion_ now, and all Luke could manage was a needy little whimper as he coaxed Ashton down for a slower, more gentle kiss.

“Love you,” Luke murmured, so over-sensitive that he kind of _hurt_ at this point but, when Ashton’s large hand rose to stroke his hipbone gently, Luke wouldn’t have had it any other way.

“I love you too,” Ashton said softly, grabbing Luke’s boxers and mopping up the worst of the mess – and the blond boy would have told him off if he’d been more than semi-conscious by that point – before he threw them onto the floor by the door where Sharon _hopefully_ wouldn’t burst in and stand on them in the morning.

“Now go to sleep,” Ashton said softly and Luke nodded, as weak as a new-born kitten when he pulled at his boyfriend weakly to get Ashton to lie down beside him.

“Sleep,” Luke agreed, not really awake anymore, but he could _feel_ Ashton’s smile when the curly-haired boy settled down with his head resting on Luke’s chest and his arms wrapped warmly around the younger boy’s waist.

Luke passed out quickly after that but he woke very early the next morning – _hours_ before anyone else – and he thought he knew what Ashton meant now when he had said that he didn’t want them to change.

Luke had felt that way the previous evening and, although the night _had_ inevitably come to an end, the blond boy didn’t think it was the worst thing really because, as Luke watched the first rays of sunlight illuminate Ashton’s beautiful sleeping face, the younger boy knew that – no matter _how_ many things were different now – the pair of them would always have each other and that was _never_ going to change.

Luke wasn’t going anywhere and, when he looked down at Ashton as he lay sprawled across his boyfriend’s pale chest, Luke knew Ashton was there to stay too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought <3


	143. Maybe One Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Are we having a group hug?” Harry teased but he wrapped his arms around both of them anyway and Mali joined in too, and Luke was giggling and wriggling away because someone had just tickled him and Ashton was smiling through his tears because he really,_ really _loved his friends sometimes, even though they might not all be here with him right now._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so cathartic to write honestly.  
> I really, really hope you'll all enjoy it <3

**_The rest of the world was black and white,_ **

**_But we were in screaming colour._ **

_\- Out Of The Woods, Taylor Swift_

 

The weather was gradually beginning to warm up again but it was halfway through October by now so Ashton supposed that wasn’t exactly surprising.

The sun was sparkling on the ocean as Ashton drove carefully down the twisting, coastal road near where the pier had once stood. The windows were down and they were playing Blink-182 _far_ too loudly on the radio.

It was hot enough that Ashton had had to tie his curls back with a bandana, and he was vaguely considering buying Luke an ice cream that they could eat on the beach before he drove them home but, if they _did_ do that, it would have to be later on because they were meeting Mali and Harry in twenty minutes for lunch at a new café the older girl had found.

Ashton and Luke had met up with the older pair occasionally over the past four months since that night at the hospital, and they were all friendlier now because of it.

Ashton liked that, the feeling of being in a group again, but it also made him miss interacting with Calum and Michael a _whole_ lot more.

Sometimes Ashton caught Luke looking particularly wistful during occasions where the four of them had met up, and Ashton knew that his boyfriend felt the same way he did.

Ashton stopped at the traffic lights at the foot of the hill, glancing in the mirror to see the tree-lined road stretching away behind them and curving out of sight. The grey tarmac of the road was dappled with sunlight and the rays were a golden haze as they filtered through the leaves of the eucalyptus trees growing on the hillside.

Ashton reached across to the passenger seat and squeezed Luke’s hand gently where it was resting on his knee before they had to move off again.

“I can’t believe it’s October already,” the blond boy said suddenly and Ashton risked a glance over at Luke, taking in the breeze tousling his blond hair and the way his sparkling ocean-blue eyes made the sea outside the car dim in comparison.

“I know,” the older boy murmured, keeping his hazel eyes fixed on the road as his knuckles whitened a little on the steering wheel when his grip tightened.

 _Last_ October, Ashton had discovered that Calum loved Michael back just as much as the other boy loved him, and Ashton had learnt the truth about what Calum did to himself.

There was a physical pain in Ashton’s chest when he realised he’d essentially left Calum to suffer for the better part of a year.

It hurt even more when he thought about how much had changed now because, sure, maybe Calum _was_ in the hospital, fighting to get better – and Ashton was so proud of his best friend that he couldn’t even put it into words – but there were other changes too: not having Michael around anymore; moving out of his grandparents’ house and losing his mother; coming to live at Sharon’s with Luke; realising that Aleisha might not be as bad as he’d suspected all that time ago; almost _killing_ himself in the middle of the night on a cold bathroom floor, only to be saved by Luke…

But Ashton thought not having Michael around anymore was the change that cut the deepest.

“Ashy?” Luke asked softly and Ashton forced a smile, glancing over so that his boyfriend could see it. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Ashton said as calmly as he could manage, turning into a little carpark in the town centre and keeping his gaze fixed ahead as he searched for a space he could manoeuvre into with relative ease.

When Ashton was parked, he looked up at Luke, only to wilt when he saw the blond boy pursing his lips at him as he folded his arms tightly across his chest.

“You’re a terrible liar, Ash,” Luke said and the curly-haired boy shrugged weakly, letting his forehead fall to rest on the steering wheel. “Now tell me what’s wrong before I tickle you.”

Ashton cringed away, covering his ticklish spots with his hands protectively as he watched Luke with cautious eyes.

“You wouldn’t,” he said warily and Luke unfolded his arms as a tiny smirk tugged at his lips.

“Try me.”

Someone knocked on Ashton’s partially-opened window and the pair of them nearly jumped out of their _skin_ when they turned to find Mali and Harry standing there.

“Oh look, Hal. They’re flirting,” the older girl teased but her eyes were soft as she stepped back to let them get out of Ashton’s tiny silver car. “How are you guys?”

“Well, apart from the minor heart failure you just gave us then, I think we’re probably both okay,” Luke retorted and Ashton took the blond boy’s hand, feeling proud despite himself because, over the past few months, Luke had really come out of his shell around new people, and Ashton thought that was great to see.

“How are you two?” the curly-haired boy asked as Mali and Harry fell into step beside them as they left the carpark together.

“That can wait until we sit down,” Mali said mysteriously and, beside her, Harry laughed softly, lacing their fingers together as Mali led the way.

Luke hung back, dropping Ashton’s hand so that they could link arms instead, and the older boy felt something warm in his chest because Luke was so _cute_ sometimes.

“Please tell me what was wrong in the car?” the blond boy requested softly and, although Ashton’s face fell a little, he held Luke closer than ever.

“I…” Ashton’s expression twisted a bit and, when Harry glanced back and opened his mouth to call them over, Mali shushed him and Ashton just appreciated that a lot. “I was just thinking about how much has changed… Feel like I should have done more – that’s all. It’s nothing.”

“If it’s upsetting you then it isn’t nothing,” Luke disagreed in a murmur, ducking his head and raising Ashton’s chin gently with his free hand as he pressed a soft kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. “And you’re right – a lot _has_ changed but at least Cal’s in a better place now, right? And… and, Ash, you did **everything** you could. You’re not _magic_ , babe, and you can’t work miracles - no matter _how_ much you might wish you could sometimes.”

“I just wanted to keep everyone _safe_ ,” Ashton said and he tried to sound calmer than he felt but his voice betrayed him.

“Wait up!” Luke called to Mali and Harry but his eyes were fixed on Ashton as the older pair stopped walking.

Luke pulled Ashton into a tight, _tight_ hug and the curly-haired boy sniffed, wrapping his arms securely around Luke’s waist and keeping his face tucked out of sight as he tried to calm his breathing.

"I love you," Ashton murmured and Luke dropped a kiss onto the top of his boyfriend's head.

“And I love you,” Luke said softly, rubbing Ashton’s back gently. “And you did enough. **You** are enough. You just have to believe that.”

Ashton nodded weakly but the tears were threatening now and, just when he was _certain_ he was about to start crying in the town centre, Mali and Harry came back.

“Are we having a group hug?” Harry teased but he wrapped his arms around both of them anyway and Mali joined in too, and Luke was giggling and wriggling away because someone had just tickled him and Ashton was smiling through his tears because he really, _really_ loved his friends sometimes, even though they might not all be here with him right now.

“C’mon,” the curly-haired boy sighed, rolling his eyes and trying not to look like he was equal parts fond and near tears. “Let’s get some food.”

“Alright! Food!” Harry said excitedly and Mali shook her head ruefully, clearly wondering why she’d fallen in love with an overgrown puppy. When Luke took Ashton’s hand gently as the four of them headed towards the café Mali had suggested, towing him along as he started chatting about something excitedly, Ashton fondly thought that he knew the feeling.

It was nice inside the café, cool and clean with dark wooden furnishings, and once the four of them were seated at their table with the drinks they’d ordered, Ashton found himself gazing at the abstract paintings decorating the walls inside with his mouth hanging open a little bit. Harry snorted with laughter and choked on his lemonade when he saw but Luke’s eyes were glitter-soft as he watched his boyfriend, even as he distractedly pushed some napkins towards a now-wheezing Harry Styles.

Mali chose that moment to return to the table and she looked like she was trying _hard_ not to smile as she sat down gracefully in her seat.

“Your boyfriend sounds like a walrus in labour,” Luke said helpfully and Harry choked again, burying his face in his folded arms as his shoulders shook with breathless laughter. Mali raised an eyebrow, fighting to keep the smile off her own face as she sipped her smoothie delicately.

“Please don’t kill Harry, Luke,” she said, running a hand through her long dark hair and letting it fall forwards over her shoulder like a waterfall. “He’s my ride home.”

Harry muttered something inappropriate about riding but he broke off with a squeal when Mali pinched him.

“Just for being an idiot, you can take our order up to the counter,” she told Harry sweetly and he grumbled the whole way across the café, only stopping when he tripped over what _seemed_ to be air.

“He’s like a giant Labrador or something,” Ashton muttered and Mali dropped her head into her hands, sighing deeply when Luke started giggling.

“That’s… disconcertingly accurate actually,” Mali said, biting her lip and looking like she was re-evaluating all of her life choices.

When Harry dropped down beside her and kissed her briefly on the cheek though, she seemed to relax.

“Did you order everything?” she checked and Harry rolled his bright eyes, glancing down at the list he’d written on his phone.

“Yep,” Harry said, reading them off. “I got Ashton curly fries and a panini; Luke has a cheese and ham toastie on the way; I’ve got chicken dippers and mashed potato because I am an **adult** , thank you _very_ much!” he said loftily before he smirked, putting his phone away. “And I didn’t get you anything, Mali, because I don’t like you and you smell bad.”

Mali gave him the ‘ _puppy-dog-eyes_ ’ look that Calum had clearly learnt from her and Harry grinned, kissing her fleetingly.

“I ordered you your disgusting strawberry sorbet. Stop pouting at me. Please.” Harry looked vaguely remorseful and, after elbowing him in the ribs and looking appeased when her boyfriend gave a dramatic yelp, Mali settled back comfortably with her head resting on her boyfriend's shoulder.

“I think we were going to tell the boys something?” she said pointedly and Harry stopped pretending to be grievously injured, straightening up in his chair and smiling widely at the two younger boys as Mali stretched up to kiss the underside of his jaw absently.

“We’re moving in together!” Harry said proudly and Ashton felt his dimples creasing his cheeks as he smiled, gripping Luke’s hand under the table.

“That’s brilliant!” the blond boy grinned, his eyes sparkling. “We’re so happy for you guys!”

“There’s more actually,” Mali said and Ashton gawped.

“You’re not pregnant, are you?” the curly-haired boy blurted out.

Harry choked on his lemonade again and Mali kind of _shouted_ : “ **NO**!” but Ashton saw something wistful in both of their expressions – maybe one day.

Luke’s lips twitched and Ashton started giggling again.

“Sorry, sorry!” the older boy said breathlessly, biting down on his knuckle to keep his laughter in. Luke gently tugged Ashton's hand away from his mouth, rubbing the reddened skin soothingly with his cool fingertips.

Ashton’s heart felt like it was swelling in his chest when Luke raised Ashton’s hand to his own lips so he could kiss his knuckles.

Ashton loved Luke so much he couldn’t _breathe_ sometimes but, if there was any way to go, he thought it was probably like this, with laughter in his chest and light in his eyes and so much **love** inside him for the beautiful blond boy sitting beside him that he felt like he was actually going to _burst_.

“This… is actually a little bit more serious,” Mali said softly, drawing Ashton from his thoughts, and he looked up just in time to see Harry pouting again, (although he _seemed_ to be joking this time).

“What is it?” Ashton asked softly, wondering what could possibly be more serious than having a _baby_.

“Well, we’ve found a place to move in,” Harry began slowly, glancing over at Mali as a gentle smile stretched across his lips. Mali looked equally smitten and Ashton was so, _so_ happy for them. “It’s this tiny little house, not far from the beach actually and… well… we’ve _bought_ it.”

Luke’s eyes widened and Mali nudged Harry lightly.

“We’ve paid the deposit,” she corrected but Harry looked unabashed. “Hal’s had his promotion at work and I’m earning more with my new job, and we finally have enough for a mortgage. It’s exciting but it’s _really_ scary.”

“Wow,” Ashton breathed and he _meant_ it. “So this is more than just an idea you’ve had then.” He shook his head and one of his curls tumbled free, falling down into his eyes. Luke brushed it away carefully with his small, delicate hand. “I’m really happy for you two,” Ashton promised but his eyes were on Luke’s.

“Thank you,” Mali said but there was something buried in her tone that made Ashton and Luke look up at her curiously. Beside her, Harry's expression was hesitant but determined.

“What is it?” Luke asked softly and Ashton tightened his grip on his boyfriend’s hand, stroking the soft pale skin there with the pad of his thumb.

“I spoke to my parents again a few weeks ago,” Mali said quietly and her voice twisted bitterly around the words. Ashton wasn’t sure he wanted to know what had happened. “I’m sure you guys figured this out but, like, they’re being _really_ difficult about Cal and…”

“And what?” Ashton breathed.

Harry was glaring down at the table top now but his eyes were glistening and if even **Harry** – one of the happiest guys Ashton had ever _met_ – was sad about this then it had to be pretty damn bad.

“The things they were suggesting… It would’ve just made Cal _worse_ so…” Mali bit her lip, looking down at Harry’s hand clasped tightly in both of her own as her cheeks flushed. “I kind of… blackmailed them a bit.”

Luke made a small choking noise and Ashton felt his eyes widen.

“You… you did _what_?!" he asked weakly and Harry looked proud.

“Mali told them that if they didn’t make her Calum’s legal guardian then she’d take them to court over it.” He shook his head ruefully but the pride on his face was evident. “She really scared them, y’know; said she wasn’t afraid to spend all her savings on making sure Calum was safe but… in the end, they… they just said yes.”

Ashton shook his head slowly as that sank in.

“So… so Cal will come and live with you two then?” Luke asked softly, like he was hardly daring to hope, and Mali’s chocolate brown eyes were shining with tears when she nodded.

“ _Yeah_ ,” she said but her voice came out choked and Harry pulled her into a tight hug. “We asked him last visit and... God, he was so fucking _happy_ about it.” Mali shook her head slowly and a tear ran down her cheek. “Breaks my heart.”

Mali’s dark hair was cascading down her back, shimmering in the low lights of the café, but she dried her eyes using Harry’s sleeve – he complained loudly when she smudged mascara there but anyone could see that she could have emptied her whole _makeup_ bag on him and he wouldn’t have cared really – and Ashton felt something easing inside him because, okay, maybe Michael _wasn’t_ out of the woods yet but, for the first time in **years** now, Calum finally _was_ – or he would be soon, which was what mattered really.

Things were _finally_ starting to be okay again.

All they needed now was Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so close to the end now - I can't believe it!  
> I'm planning on there being one more 'vaguely angsty but with a happy ending' chapter and then it's all uphill - everything is just going to get better and happier and more sickeningly fluffy now I promise <3  
> Please let me know what you thought because it really does mean this whole world! <3 :)


	144. Chance At Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“The only time I felt alive before was when we played music,” Calum admitted softly and Luke made a small, hurt sound. The older boy bit his lip._  
>  _“Then let’s play music again."_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but necessary. Hopefully it's okay!

**_Keeping me alive from my death._ **

**_I keep singing da da da da da._ **

**_I keep singing just to keep myself alive!_ **

**_Alive, just to keep myself alive._ **

_\- Keeping Myself Alive, Get Scared_

 

Some of Calum’s blind optimism seemed to bleed out of him when he finally left the hospital after almost five months but Ashton thought maybe that was fair enough.

The very empty space that Michael used to fill was more than apparent when the three of them were together again, and Ashton saw his own sadness reflected back at him in Calum and Luke’s expressions.

It was early evening now and the sunset was painting the skies with burning reds and oranges as the three of them sat cross-legged on the floor of Calum’s new bedroom at his sister and Harry’s house.

It was a nice place, small but comfortable, all whitewashed stone with tall, narrow windows that let light in to dance over the sun-faded driftwood planks covering the floors.

There was a glass door that led out onto a tiny shared balcony that, in turn, had several shallow wooden steps that led down into a tiny flower garden bordered by a low stone wall. Beyond that, there was only grassland for a couple of hundred metres, stretching to the edge of the cliff.

On the railing enclosing the balcony, Harry had somehow managed to attach several metal containers that had herbs growing in them and, when Ashton saw that, he had to smile weakly, remembering how Mali had complained about Harry getting overexcited in the garden shop and trying to spend all of their budget on rosemary and thyme.

It was cute though – almost as cute as the little wooden heart Mali had hung on the back of Calum’s door or the slightly-lopsided dream catcher Harry had attempted to craft for the dark-haired boy that was hanging over Calum’s double bed – and Ashton and Luke both agreed that Calum would have a _much_ better chance at happiness living here.

Calum’s thin white curtains were drifting gently in the breeze and the wind chimes that Mali had hung up outside were chiming gently. Ashton thought the sound would probably have annoyed him after a little while but Calum seemed to find it restful so that was all that mattered really.

Calum had a small table next to his bed and there were several items on that – a clear case made of purple plastic with sections in for his different pills, a calendar marked with the dates of his psychiatrist appointments, and a small glass vase with a single flower in it. (Ashton’s lips twitched when he saw that because apparently Harry had been embracing his inner interior decorator.)

The room was cool but not uncomfortably so with the glass door open and, carried in on the breeze, Ashton could hear Mali and Harry talking softly in their own room since they must have had their door open too.

It was nice – it felt like they were close without being suffocating like his parents had no doubt been – and, looking at the contentment on Calum’s face as he sat leaning against his bed with his knees pulled up loosely to his chest, Ashton thought that was probably just what the dark-haired boy needed.

They could faintly hear the waves battering against the cliffs and, aside from the gentle cry of a gull as it rode the current, there was no other sound in the bedroom.

Then there was a gentle strumming sound, and Ashton and Calum looked up to see Luke picking idly at one of the strings on Calum’s bass guitar where it had been sitting ignored in the corner of the room.

Calum looked at it longingly but he simply pulled his legs tighter to his chest, refusing to give in to the urge to hold his guitar again.

“The only time I felt alive before was when we played music,” Calum admitted softly and Luke made a small, hurt sound. The older boy bit his lip.

“Then let’s play music again,” Ashton suggested but Calum looked downcast, hanging his head and turning so that his cheek was resting on his knees.

“Not without Mikey,” Calum muttered and his eyes got shiny with tears. “His birthday’s in two weeks.”

The silence stretched on and Calum let out a shaky sigh when Luke reached to grip his shoulder reassuringly.

“I thought I’d love him less now but… I don’t. Is that weird?”

Ashton swallowed past the lump in his throat when Calum leant into Luke’s gentle touch.

“That’s not weird at all, Cal,” Ashton promised but he had to stop talking because he was close to _tears_.

“Is he _ever_ gonna wake up?” Calum asked hopelessly and Luke sniffed.

“Yes,” the youngest boy promised, sounding choked up. "He will, Cal. Of _course_ he will."

“ _When_?”

“Soon,” Ashton said, even though he couldn’t _possibly_ know that.

He could hope though – more than _anything_ , he could hope.

That was all they _could_ do now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought :) <3


	145. Healed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _It was Graham and he sounded jubilant. The nurse broke off with what_ might _have been a sob but his smile was audible over the phone. “ **Mike’s waking up**.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER WAS SUCH A LONG TIME COMING BUT I'M SO HAPPY IT'S FINALLY UPLOADED AND I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL ENJOY IT  
> (WOW I AM SO EMOTIONAL RN HELP ME)

**_It’s our time now if you want it to be,_ **

**_Maul the world like the carnival bear set free,_ **

**_And your love is anaemic, and I can’t believe,_ **

**_That you couldn’t see it coming for me._ **

_\- The Kids Aren’t Alright, Fall Out Boy_

 

It seemed like all of that hoping had finally started to pay off.

Calum had come round to watch School of Rock with them since Luke hadn’t seen it for ages – Ashton thought it was closer to two weeks actually but he kindly didn’t point this out – and they’d just got to the part of the film where Jack Black made Luke laugh so hard that he sounded like a water buffalo with a shortness of breath when Calum’s mobile rang.

“Hello?” the dark-haired boy asked sleepily as he lay tangled on the sofa with Luke and Ashton, wrapped in a blanket Sharon had _tried_ to knit herself because he still got cold sometimes.

Ashton glanced over and he saw the moment when Calum’s eyes widened as he went rigid with shock. Ashton nudged Luke with his foot and the blond boy rolled his eyes, pausing the film and turning to presumably tell Ashton off when he saw the look on Calum’s face too.

Wordlessly, the dark-haired boy put his phone on speaker.

“– condition has changed dramatically and I’m here right now and the doctors are saying that –” It was Graham and he sounded jubilant. The nurse broke off with what _might_ have been a sob but his smile was audible over the phone. “ **Mike’s waking up**.”

Ashton didn’t think he’d ever heard anything so wonderful before.

“We’re on our way,” Luke said and Ashton began frantically searching for his car keys, rummaging through his bag for them as Luke and Calum leapt to their feet too.

“What? Is that – Hey, Luke. Is Ashton there too? I’m –”

“We’re on our way!” Luke repeated, several octaves too high, just as Ashton emerged victorious with his car keys.

The call ended and Calum was hopping around desperately on one foot in the hallway as he struggled into his trainers. Luke’s eyes looked ever so slightly manic but, when Ashton glanced in the mirror, he saw that he looked no better.

Sliding his glasses back up his nose, Ashton shouted down the hall to tell Sharon that they were going out before he ran outside to open his car for them.

Calum threw himself into the back seat so hard that he almost hit the window and Luke was bouncing in his own seat as his blunt nails bit into the denim of his jeans. Ashton’s breathing was uneven and his hands were shaking as he turned the key in the ignition, reversing out onto the road.

The windows of the car were open in a useless attempt to lure a non-existent summer breeze in but the radio was silent as Ashton drove. He kept his foot on the gas and he skipped through several amber stoplights. Nobody commented.

The closer they got to the hospital, the quieter Calum became but he was practically vibrating in his seat, his face pale and pinched as he rubbed the pad of his thumb too hard over the skin on the inside of his wrist through his sleeve.

Ashton pretended not to notice but that didn’t mean that he didn’t hold Calum’s hand as _well_ as Luke’s on the way into the hospital.

That also meant it was hard to open doors though and Calum gave this slightly hysterical little laugh that sounded a lot like he was about to start _crying_ when the three of them couldn’t decide who should press the button for the lift.

When they got out at Michael’s floor and walked the familiar path towards Michael’s small room down the corridor, the nurse at the desk told them they only had twenty minutes left until visiting hours ended.

“That’s fine – thank you though,” Ashton said as they passed and the nurse nodded uninterestedly, looking back down at her clipboard as she marked something off on a sheet.

The three of them walked on and Ashton was _glad_ he was holding their hands because the sun was beginning to set and everything looked curiously _grey_ , like a thick fog had rolled down outside in the short time while they were in the hospital.

It felt scary but also exciting and the tension in the air was thick, like _electricity_ almost. It felt like something **big** was about to happen.

Graham met them outside the door and his expression was a mix of hope and _exhaustion_.

“Hi, guys. Are you all alright if I just go to grab a coffee?” the nurse asked them and Ashton half wanted to tell Graham not to leave but of course he didn’t. Graham could do what he wanted but… but there was _something_ crackling in the air and it put Ashton on edge, made the hairs on the back of his neck rise as his unease grew.

One glance at Luke showed that he was feeling the same too.

His ocean-blue eyes were locked on Ashton’s and his cold hand was tight around the older boy’s, anchoring them together, like he was scared they were going to fall apart. Ashton pressed his lips gently to Luke’s, trying to tell him without words that that was never going to happen.

Ashton understood that now.

When he saw some of the turmoil in Luke’s beautiful eyes fade, Ashton realised his boyfriend did too.

“C’mon,” Calum urged but he seemed unwilling to open the door to Michael’s room.

Ashton pressed the handle down with shaking hands and, when the door swung open, nothing seemed to have changed.

The window was cracked open to let a cool breeze in and the traffic outside was soft but audible. The blue was fading out of Michael’s hair but he didn’t look as pale as he sometimes did. His hands were resting open, palm up on the sheets, and his lips were slightly parted as he inhaled and exhaled evenly.

Michael looked _small_ lying beneath the dark sheets, vulnerable in a way he would have _hated_. It still made a lump rise in Ashton’s throat to see him like that almost half a year later and, privately, the older boy thought he’d probably _never_ forget this.

Calum half-fell into his usual chair beside Michael’s bed, curled up on the seat as he gently held Michael’s limp hand in both of his own trembling ones, like it was made of _glass_ almost.

Ashton and Luke sat in seats by the door, holding each other’s hands as they watched. Ashton felt a bit like he was intruding although of course he wasn’t – if Calum wanted them to leave, all he had to do was ask and the pair of them would follow Graham to get a drink from somewhere.

The machines surrounding Michael’s bed were beeping softly and comfortingly, and Michael had a drip in his arm, although the breathing tube was gone from his nose now since he’d been breathing on his own for almost two weeks by this point.

His broken leg was in plaster beneath the blankets – not a fluorescent pink this time – and the cuts and grazes that had littered his skin had long-since healed.

Ashton was pleased the bruise was gone from Michael’s jaw. Luke didn’t need that reminder.

“It’s too quiet,” Calum breathed and Ashton looked up at him, even as he slipped his arm around Luke’s shoulders and gave him a comforting squeeze when he noticed that his boyfriend was shivering.

“Sing then,” Ashton suggested and he had been almost _convinced_ that Calum was going to refuse but his best friend continued to surprise him at every opportunity.

Ashton wondered why it still shocked him anymore.

“ _Just close your eyes_.”

Calum’s voice was very soft and but it didn’t shake as he gently rubbed the back of Michael’s cold hand with his thumb. Calum’s expression was downcast but his eyes were locked on Michael’s sleeping face, and it took Ashton a moment to identify the song as Safe And Sound by Taylor Swift.

“ _The sun is going down_.”

Luke sniffed beside him, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, and Ashton held him closer, comforting himself with the familiar warmth of Luke pressed up against him and holding on tight.

At least they still had each other.

“ _You’ll be alright_ ,” Calum half-whispered, reaching out shakily to touch Michael’s cheek. The blue-haired boy’s eyes flickered beneath their lids, like he was _dreaming_ almost, and the love and pain on Calum’s face hurt to _look_ at.

“ _No one can hurt you now_.”

Calum’s eyes fell down to Michael’s hand in his now and, because of that, he missed the moment when those fiery emerald green eyes flickered open. They were unfocused for a moment but they quickly became alert as they fixed on Calum’s face.

Luke froze when he saw. Ashton stopped **breathing**.

“ _By morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound_.”

It took Calum a moment to realise that there were two voices singing now instead of one. It took him a few seconds to process that Michael was awake and squeezing his hand back and smiling like the little shit he was.

It took Calum a _minute_ of gazing at Michael wordlessly before he let out a sob and buried his face in the blankets covering the blue-haired boy’s bed.

“Um,” Michael said intelligently, his voice rough from misuse. He raised his head from the pillows to see Ashton and Luke but his face paled, and Ashton had risen before he’d even processed it to gently push Michael back down again.

“Lay still,” Ashton said but his voice was choked up and he could hardly see through the tears in his eyes.

Michael looked down at the drip in his arm and made a little whimpering noise, and Calum was still crying into the blanket (although his hand had crept back into Michael’s again and the older boy was squeezing it comfortingly).

“Ash… Um…” Michael tried again, looking a little bit alarmed when he tried to shift and presumably realised that, yes, he did actually have a broken leg under the blankets that hadn’t quite healed yet. “ _Ouch_.”

Luke hit the call button.

“ _Huke_?” Michael murmured and Luke’s lips twitched into a watery smile as he carded his fingers hesitantly through the older boy’s blue hair.

“Hey, blue,” Luke said softly and his voice was thick. “We missed you.”

Ashton’s hand fell to pat Michael’s arm gently but his hazel eyes flickered to Calum.

The younger boy’s head was buried in his folded arms now and his shoulders were heaving with sobs but, when Ashton reached out hesitantly, Calum flinched away, embarrassed and frightened.

“It’s okay, Cal,” Ashton breathed and, although Calum refused to raise his head, he relaxed a little, and Michael and Luke followed Ashton’s gaze, their expressions softening with sadness and concern when they saw the state of the dark-haired boy.

A nurse appeared a few moments later, followed by a red-faced Graham who seemed to have slopped coffee all over himself in an effort to make haste.

“Mike!” Graham cried.

Luke accepted the half-empty coffee cup that Graham had desperately flung at him and Ashton slipped his arm around Luke’s waist, gently leading him back from the bed. Graham took the seat opposite Calum’s.

“It’s so great to see you awake again,” Graham whispered and Michael’s expression creased, even as the new nurse injected some medicine into his drip before leaving.

“I… what?” Michael looked like he was having trouble concentrating and his eyelids began to droop but he fought against it.

“You’ve been in a coma for almost six months, blue,” Luke said softly when the words seemed to wither and die in Graham’s throat. “A lot’s happened and… and not all of it’s great but… but we’re all still here, yeah? You’ve got us.”

Ashton thought back to the last time he’d seen Michael’s parents and his breath caught in his throat as his eyes burnt. He didn’t want to watch Michael’s reaction when he found out what had happened.

He didn’t want to see him pretending to be strong because that hurt even more than watching Michael _cry_ , like he was about to do now.

“ _Gray_ ,” Michael breathed and he looked panic-stricken when he heard just how long he’d been unconscious. “Gray, please, I…” Michael’s eyes were suddenly welling up with tears. “I don’t wanna sleep again. Please don’t make me. _Please_ –”

“Mikey, I...” Graham stroked Michael’s fading hair back and kissed his forehead. “You’ve got to sleep to _heal_ , mate. And I’ll be just down the corridor, okay? I’m right there if you need me. I promise.”

Michael nodded and his eyes started to droop again before they suddenly snapped open, and he tried to jerk upright, only to slump back down in pain again when his leg presumably protested the movement.

“Calum! Oh my god, Calum! Are you okay? Were you okay? I couldn’t –”

The dark-haired boy sat up and he looked shattered.

His dark eyes were alight with sadness and grief and _love_ , and there were tear tracks on his cheeks. His bottom lip was wobbling and he was too pale but Michael’s eyes lit up when they settled on Calum’s face, taking in the faintest hint of roundness to the younger boy’s cheeks again and the light in his eyes.

“ ** _Cal_** ,” Michael breathed and he looked calmer suddenly, like he was realising that maybe everything had been worth it after all. Ashton felt like crying but, for the first time in a _long_ time, it wasn’t necessarily **bad**.

Luke’s grip tightened around Ashton’s hand and he seemed to understand.

“ **Mikey**.”

Calum sounded _floored_ but, when Michael’s hand hesitantly drifted up to clumsily touch Calum’s curls, the dark-haired boy swore softly, lunging forwards to pull an exhausted Michael into a gentle hug.

The blue-haired boy’s breath caught in his throat but his shaking arms wrapped hesitantly around Calum’s shoulders and he clung to him, burying his face in Calum’s neck and inhaling shakily.

Calum let out a tiny sob but his words were clear in the quiet of the hospital room as silence fell: “ _I love you. I **love** you. **I love you**_.”

The tears in Michael’s eyes boiled over, slipping down his cheeks without his permission, but his gaze was locked on Calum’s.

“Are… are you _sure_?” Michael asked roughly and Calum’s smile was sheepish, broken, _loving_.

“I like girls, Mikey,” Calum said weakly, shrugging, and the tension in the room reached breaking point. “But I like you more. I **love** you.”

“I love you back,” Michael gasped out, his emerald eyes gleaming with tears as his fingers threaded shakily through Calum’s dark curls.

Ashton’s shoulders slumped with relief and Luke let out a tiny sigh and Graham shook his head in disbelief but, when Calum gently cradled Michael’s pale face in his hands as he ducked his head to kiss him, Ashton didn’t think he’d ever felt so content before.

“We’ll be back later,” Ashton told Graham softly, taking Luke’s hand gently and feeling like maybe he could finally breathe again. “Give them some time together.”

“The meds will kick in soon anyway but yeah, sure,” Graham said and he looked calmer than Ashton had ever _seen_ him.

“See you tomorrow, guys,” Graham said to Ashton and Luke but he followed them out, and they hadn’t even shut Michael’s hospital room door behind them when the nurse fell down into a chair in the corridor and dropped his head into his hands.

Luke gave Graham’s arm a hesitant squeeze as they walked past him. Ashton rested his head on Luke’s shoulder.

“C’mon, Ashy,” Luke murmured and his fingers tangled with Ashton’s, keeping them together. “Let’s go home.”

Ashton twisted to kiss the underside of Luke’s jaw when they entered the lift but it was only when they were halfway across the carpark that Ashton realised his little brother had been right after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is so, so, _so_ nearly finished now and I'm gonna cry when it's done oh my gosh  <3  
> Thank you guys so much for reading this far though and please let me know what you thought!  
> We're finally out of the woods!


	146. Out Of The Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“You’re my hero,” the older boy joked sarcastically before his lips twitched and he stroked Luke’s cheek gently. “Y’know you actually are, right?”_  
>  _“Stop being soppy,” Luke muttered, ducking his head and biting down on his bottom lip in a useless attempt to fight the wobbly smile on his face. “You’re gonna make me cry, Ashy.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH GOD THE FLUFF IS REAL AND I LOVED WRITING THIS CHAPTER SO MUCH AND WOW BRING YOUR DENTIST

**_In my mind now I've been over this a thousand times,_ **

**_And it's almost over._ **

**_Let's start over._ **

_\- Out Of My Limit, 5 Seconds Of Summer_

 

Michael was out of the hospital for his birthday but he wasn’t his old self yet and sometimes, when Luke caught Michael looking sad or lost when he thought no one could see him, Luke wondered if he _ever_ would be.

Luke understood how Michael felt though, in the same way that Calum and Ashton did.

They’d all lost their parents one way or another and it _sucked_. It sucked so fucking _badly_ that people Luke cared about were hurting so much because the people who were _supposed_ to take care of them hadn’t bothered to but… but they had each other.

Luke had promised Michael that in the hospital after he’d woken up the previous month, and it was still true. It would _always_ be true.

Luke thought that the silver lining of this whole mess was that all of them finally seemed to realise that now. Looking at them all, Luke _knew_ that they understood that the four of them were here to stay.

It felt **freeing** and Luke hoped the feeling never left.

When Ashton held his hand gently with a soft smile on his face – and Michael and Calum sat across from them doing exactly the same thing – Luke thought it probably wouldn’t.

It was Michael’s birthday today though and Luke tried to pull his head out of the clouds and actually _focus_. He’d been without Michael and Calum for too long to zone out and miss seeing them now.

One look at Ashton’s determinedly interested face beside him and Luke knew his boyfriend felt the same.

They’d unanimously agreed without speaking that they wouldn’t celebrate Michael’s birthday with food since they didn’t want to make things more difficult than it needed to be for Calum.

They’d gone bowling instead – and it was actually surprisingly _fun_ , considering it wasn’t exactly something the four of them had ever really bothered to do before – although that might have been because Luke was _completely_ wiping the floor with his three best friends.

“Another strike?!” Michael demanded, scowling at Luke, even as he tried not to smile because Calum was sitting curled up under his arm on the bench. “That’s not fair, Huke! You’re cheating!”

“Am not, blue!”

“Are too!”

“ _Children_ ,” Ashton said in a lofty voice as he hefted a pink bowling ball up and squeaked across the floor in his mandatory red and black bowling shoes. “Stop squabbling! You’re ruining my concentration!”

Ashton’s honey-coloured curls were tied back with a patterned red bandana and he was dressed in one of Luke’s flannels. His ripped black skinny jeans were clinging to his thighs beautifully and Luke _kind_ of wanted to sink down onto his knees and –

Right.

Bowling alley.

Michael and Calum.

 _People who didn't deserve mental scarring_.

Luke should probably focus.

“– you missed _every single pin_ , Ashton?!” Michael cackled, clapping his hands like a demented seal and causing Calum to slip sideways so that he was sort of lying in Michael’s lap now.

Neither of them seemed to mind.

“Shut up, Mikey!” Ashton complained, the whine evident in his tone. “Stop picking on me! Calum, tell your boyfriend to stop being a dick!”

“Michael, stop being a dick,” Calum said wearily but there was a smile twitching his full pink lips that only grew when Michael ducked his head to kiss him.

“Love you,” Calum breathed, his chocolate brown eyes _sparkling_ as Michael smiled down at him.

“I love you too, baby.”

Ashton pulled a face but Luke would have to have been _blind_ not to see the happiness and relief dancing in the older boy’s beautiful hazel eyes.

“Come here and kiss me, Ash,” Luke pleaded, making grabby hands, and his boyfriend grinned as he darted forwards, stretching up on his tiptoes to kiss Luke gently.

It was a soft kiss – warm and very, _very_ sweet – and when Luke broke away, letting his forehead fall to rest lightly against Ashton’s - and beside them, Calum was pulling Michael down awkwardly into a hug - Luke suddenly felt **safe**.

“This is nice,” Ashton mumbled and he was blushing a bit but Luke cupped Ashton’s face with his cold hands, catching his lips again.

“Yes, it is,” the blond boy breathed, fighting to keep the stupid smile off his face. “Now, you keep Michael and Calum distracted while I mess up their go, okay? I’m gonna throw it down that bit on the side so they don’t knock any pins over either. Then you might not lose, Ash.”

Ashton pouted but he was clearly trying not to grin.

“You’re my hero,” the older boy joked sarcastically before his lips twitched and he stroked Luke’s cheek gently. “Y’know you actually are, right?”

“Stop being soppy,” Luke muttered, ducking his head and biting down on his bottom lip in a useless attempt to fight the wobbly smile on his face. “You’re gonna make me cry, Ashy.”

“You’re still pretty when you cry,” Ashton countered with a shrug.

Michael made a loud retching noise from behind them and Calum giggled, tucking his face into Michael’s neck. Ashton spun round, pointing a threatening finger at the now-silver-haired boy.

“You can’t talk!” Ashton complained loudly, trying not to giggle apparently. “You two are all disgustingly cute and you keep hugging each other and being adorable and making me feel like I don’t hug my Luke enough and it’s not on, I tell you! I need to, like, avenge my honour or something, I don’t know.”

“Ash… what the fuck are you _talking_ about?” Calum sniggered and Ashton deflated, smiling weakly as Luke’s arm looped comfortingly around his waist.

“I’m not really sure to be honest,” Ashton said and his smile grew softer as he dropped down onto the bench, pulling Luke down with him. “I’m just really happy we’re all together again, y’know?”

“Same,” Calum breathed and Michael bit down hard on his full bottom lip.

“Too many feelings,” he grumbled, even as he cuddled Calum closer and shot the two other boys a vaguely apologetic smile. “I’ve cried enough during these past few weeks to last me a _lifetime_ , thank you very much. If you make me cry in a bowling alley on my fucking _birthday_ , I’m actually not going to be responsible for my actions.”

“Mike is an _angry_ kitten today apparently,” Ashton muttered, raising his eyebrows, and Calum smiled at that, poking Michael’s cheek gently. The silver-haired boy turned, kissing Calum’s fingertip.

“Kitten?” Calum said mildly and Michael’s cheeks flushed pink. “Kitten. That’s cute. I’m going to call you that from now on.”

“ _Cal_.”

Michael sounded kind of _needy_ but, since it was his birthday, Luke and Ashton were kind enough to only tease the pair of them a _little_ bit when they re-emerged from the bathroom some twenty minutes later.

“You two sabotaged the game,” Michael noted when he saw the scoreboard. Luke smirked when he saw the beginnings of a bruise forming on the side of Michael’s neck and noted how swollen Calum’s lips looked.

Beside him, Ashton giggled.

“It’s shocking the amount that I just _don’t_ care,” Michael grinned and Luke giggled, really obviously mouthing: “ _He just got laid_ ” to Ashton.

Calum rolled his eyes.

“Shall we crash this joint?” he asked with a twinkle in his eyes. Michael grinned.

“Yeah,” he said, squeezing Calum’s hip comfortingly as they lingered there. “Who wants to play some music?”

Calum’s expression got ridiculously hopeful and Ashton’s smile softened. Luke nodded.

“Why don’t we pick up your guitars and then we can head back to ours, yeah?” Luke suggested, smiling at the hopeful looks on his best friends’ faces. “It’s easier for Ash’s drum kit. That’d be fun, right?”

“Definitely,” Michael said, bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet - which was probably stupid since he still had one leg in a walking cast - as he replied. “I checked our YouTube account the other day, y’know. We have _hundreds_ of subscribers now and we haven’t even uploaded in months! It’s _crazy_!”

“It’s _awesome_ ,” Ashton corrected him but his grin was infectious and it stayed on his face as the older boy drove them to pick up their instruments before he took them to Sharon’s bungalow.

“C’mon in,” Luke said, smiling excitedly as he unlocked the door, calling out a quick hello to Sharon who, judging by the yowls he could hear coming from the bathroom upstairs, was attempting to bathe Shelly.

Luke wasn’t sure he wanted to know why.

“Down to the basement!” Ashton said in this ridiculously excited little voice and Luke’s heart was fluttering in his chest as he caught Ashton’s large hand, switching the light on and towing him down the steps carefully as their eyes adjusted to the brightness.

The drum kit and Luke’s guitar had been neglected for too long now.

Luke’s fingers itched to play again, to feel the bite of the steel strings and the _thrum_ of the notes as they resonated through him.

For the first time since the four of them had started playing together, everything _finally_ felt right.

“All Time Low first?” Michael asked hopefully as he sat down on the sofa, tucking one of his legs beneath him as he set his guitar in his lap. Calum dropped down into a fold-up chair nearby and Ashton seated himself behind his drum-kit.

Luke sat opposite Calum, digging his plectrum out of the bottom of his guitar bag and holding it between his teeth as, grinning, he carefully tuned his guitar.

“Jasey Rae,” Ashton decided suddenly and Calum’s smile was huge.

“Yeah,” the dark-haired boy breathed. Luke’s pulse was thundering in his veins.

It didn’t take long to tune their instruments and soon they were all sitting in the basement, looking at the peeling band posters and the old bean bag and the threadbare blanket on the sofa, and they felt too large for the room, like they were going to explode out of it, like everything was _smaller_ suddenly, but it was still comforting, still _theirs_ , and it felt like the garage again, felt like the last safe place in the world.

Ashton broke the silence and his voice was soft.

“ _One… two… one, two, three, four_.”

He beat out the familiar rhythm and the low sounds of Calum playing power chords resonated around the room, and then Luke and Michael’s guitars could be heard as well.

Luke caught Michael’s eyes and grinned beneath the bright, unforgiving light of the single bulb hanging from the ceiling.

Michael’s eyes were sparkling when Luke began to sing.

“ _Lights out, I still hear the rain. These images that fill my head. Now keep my fingers from making mistakes_.”

Calum was focused on his bass and Ashton was biting his lip in concentration as he beat out the rhythm and Luke ducked his head to focus on his guitar as Michael took over with a smile tugging at his lips.

“ _Tell my voice what it takes to speak up, speak up_.”

They’d sang this song before but, finally, things felt like they all fit into place.

For the first time in his life, Luke felt like he was _finally_ completely at home, and it was with his three best friends in the basement of his mad-cat-lady-aunt’s bungalow.

“That was amazing,” Luke breathed when the song ended and, by the excited _glowing_ looks on the other three’s faces, he knew they felt the same.

The four of them spent the last few hours of Michael’s birthday playing chords and singing a few songs, and it was the best feeling in the world to Luke.

That was the night 5 Seconds Of Summer was born.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got really sugary sweet and sickening and i'd like to apologise for that wow :')
> 
> Please let me know what you thought <3
> 
> We're so nearly done!!


	147. Harmlessly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"I was going to get you it as a Christmas present, Lukey."_  
>  _The blond boy's face lit up and he caught Ashton's lips in a gentle kiss._  
>  _"I thought you'd forgotten," Luke admitted, ducking his head as he blushed. "Or that you hadn't meant it."_  
>  _"Of_ course _I meant it, princess."_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of fluffy and sickening again - sorry not sorry.  
> Hopefully it doesn't suck <3  
> (And yes, I am dragging this out because I don't want it to be over. Again, sorry not sorry.)  
> Enjoy <3

_**I hold you tight,** _

_**Tight enough to know,** _

_**That you are mine,** _

_**I'd never let you go.** _

_\- Let It Out, Ed Sheeran_

 

Ashton found the lingerie shop when he was out getting lunch with Luke and Mali.

They'd been walking through town and discussing 5 Seconds Of Summer's first ever small gig that Michael had arranged for them - and honestly, Ashton was so excited that he could hardly even _sleep_ at the moment - when they'd wandered through to the side of town that Ashton didn't usually frequent.

And there is was.

Ashton had choked on his spit when he'd seen it and managed to trip over air which hadn't been the smoothest thing he'd ever done - but, at this point, he wondered why his clumsiness still surprised him - and it had only been Luke's arm wrapped warmly around his waist that kept the older boy upright.

"Ash, why are you staring at that shop like it's the last slice of pizza in the box and Michael just said he was hungry?" Mali asked mildly and Ashton would have done more than scowl at her if he hadn't been completely certain that she could _end_ him in a fight. (Also, Luke's hand had suddenly tightened on Ashton's waist and he was staring at the shop with wide, slightly stunned ocean-blue eyes and - yeah, okay, Ashton was distracted.)

"I... um... what?" he mumbled stupidly, biting down on his bottom lip as his cheeks flamed. Maybe he should have made up a lie. Maybe he should have just said it because watching to see if she'd blush or not would probably be really amusing.

Mali raised an eyebrow after a few moments and her lips twitched.

"You and Luke are into some kinky stuff, am I right?" she asked. Luke whimpered.

"Mali, _stop_!" Ashton whined but he was trying not to grin and he had to hide his dorky smile behind his large hands. Mali laughed, squeezing his shoulder gently.

"It's alright, Ash. No one's judging anyone here - and besides," she teased good-naturedly, and her eyes twinkled like Calum's did when he was going to say something very stupid. "I always thought Luke preferred penguins to pretty underwear."

"Mali!" Luke squeaked, swinging his shopping bag at her, and she sniggered, ducking so that it went sailing harmlessly over her head.

Ashton didn't ask how she knew it was _Luke_ that liked to look pretty. He didn't even disagree because she could probably be just as teasing as her little brother.

Ashton just grinned, shrugging his shoulders.

"We only bring the penguin costume out for special occasions," he said solemnly and Mali's tinkling laugh was completely worth it. Ashton just hoped Luke wasn't going to accidentally-on-purpose tickle him until he cried again.

He didn't want a repeat of that.

"I'm never having sex with you ever again," Luke said with a glower but his eyes were sparkling and he had to turn his head to hide his face in Ashton's neck.

"Oh my god," Mali laughed, wiping her eyes with her sleeve and, really, it hadn't been _that_ funny. Luke was apparently still preening a bit though, just because. "So... you guys wanna have a look in there? Or are you going to be really embarrassed and just look online?"

Ashton mulled that over, chewing on his bottom lip as his cheeks flamed red.

"It's... I... _Lukey_?" Ashton asked pleadingly and he sort of wanted the ground to swallow him whole now but Mali seemed to have meant it earlier, and she wasn't judging.

"You want some help?" Mali asked softly as the breeze fluttered her dark hair. She combed her fingers through it, easing the tangles out. "Like, do you know what you're buying?"

Ashton smiled at Luke sheepishly and the blond boy just looked _dazed_.

"I have no idea," Ashton admitted and Mali rolled her eyes fondly, checking her watch before she gave a small shrug, smiling.

"We've got time before we meet up with Harry at four - you two wanna look now?" she suggested.

Luke's cheeks were redder than a fire engine by this point but Ashton could see in Luke's face that he really _did_ want to. Ashton took his hand and nodded at Mali, and she looked excited as she towed them over to the shop.

"I was just going to look online," Ashton said weakly when the bell over the door chimed. Mali rolled her eyes at him but Luke looked up in shock. "I was going to get you it as a Christmas present, Lukey."

The blond boy's face lit up and he caught Ashton's lips in a gentle kiss.

"I thought you'd forgotten," Luke admitted, ducking his head as he blushed. "Or that you hadn't meant it."

Ashton's heart ached a bit and he pulled Luke into a tight hug, even as Mali quietly assured a shop assistant that they would be fine to look around on their own.

"Of _course_ I meant it, princess," Ashton murmured, kissing Luke's forehead before he stepped back a little, cupping Luke's face gently in his hands and stroking his thumbs across the younger boy's cheekbones. "You gonna choose some Christmas presents now?" Ashton asked softly and Luke's eyes were sparkling when he nodded, grasping Ashton's hand tightly in his own.

"It's a bit expensive," Luke said, sounding worried, but Ashton just gave his hand a gentle squeeze, feeling a lot calmer now that he was looking after Luke again.

"Sharon would never take any money from me for living at hers and we really didn't ever go out when I still had my job at the garage, Luke," Ashton pointed out fairly, smiling when the blond boy looked up at him in surprise. "What did you _think_ I was doing with the money?"

Luke surged forwards to kiss him again, shallow and needy and very, _very_ sweet as, beside them, Mali made an " _Awww_ " sound, like she'd just petted a cute animal or something.

"You're cute, guys, but the shop closes in like half an hour so maybe save the PDAs for later, yeah?" she teased. Luke blushed and Ashton rolled his eyes fondly at her. "Stop pouting at me, you two," Mali said disparagingly but her lips were threatening to twitch up into a smile. "Why don't you two go and look at that range over there? Some of those look pretty."

Ashton followed her gaze and he was very much inclined to agree. Luke froze beside him and Ashton smirked the tiniest bit.

Apparently his boyfriend agreed with Mali's assessment.

"I think we're okay now, Mali," Ashton said quietly, catching her eye for a moment and smiling apologetically. "Thank you."

She shrugged, grinning as she wandered away.

"So... what sort of stuff were you thinking?" Luke asked quietly and Ashton kissed his cheek, rubbing the back of Luke's hand with his thumb. Mali had drifted over to the other side of the shop and Luke looked small now, hopeful but worried.

"This is _your_ present, Lukey, so you've got to choose. I'll happily help you but... this is for you," Ashton said softly. "I just want you to be happy."

"I _am_ happy," Luke promised but his beautiful ocean-blue eyes had shifted over to the lingerie again and his lips were slightly parted, like he couldn't believe this was happening. _"Those_ are pretty," Luke whispered, pointing with a slightly trembling finger.

Ashton followed his gaze, taking in the lingerie Luke was pointing at. There was a sheer panel at the front with flowers detailed in the black lace and they had a little black silk bow on them, but the bit that got Ashton the most was that they were so _small_. There was no way on earth Luke would be covered in those.

Ashton felt his mouth go dry and he licked his lips, all the while praying that Mali had got distracted and wasn't watching the pair of them with a smirk on her face or something.

"They are," Ashton agreed, nudging Luke forwards gently to find a size that might fit him. "Pick those up and we can keep looking." Ashton pressed a gentle kiss to Luke's shoulder through the thin blue flannel he was wearing. "Have a look over there maybe?"

Luke was cradling the black lingerie like he was scared someone was going to snatch them away from him but he still followed Ashton's gaze and, when he saw what the older boy was looking at, Luke's whole face lit up.

The basque was black too, patterned with tiny flowers cascading across the bust and the waist. There were black silk panels at the sides, and sheer straps and sections at the front, and there were black silk ribbons to fasten it at the back.

Although the basque hadn't been anywhere near the lingerie Luke was already holding, they looked like they'd been made to go together.

Luke's breath caught in his throat when he looked at them.

"That's the prettiest thing I ever saw," the blond boy murmured and Ashton shook his head ruefully, raising Luke's hand to press a kiss to his knuckles.

"You clearly haven't ever looked in the mirror then, have you?" Ashton said gently and Luke's cheeks flushed rosy pink as he let his forehead fall to rest on the older boy's shoulder.

"I love you," Luke mumbled, twisting to kiss Ashton's neck gently. "So, _so_ much. If I told you everyday for a million years, it still wouldn't be enough."

"Luke," Ashton said softly, brushing the blond boy's cheek gently with his fingertips. "I love you so, so much too but if you make me cry in an underwear shop then we're probably going to get kicked out. Just saying."

Luke giggled, ducking his head, and Ashton's smile softened.

"You want to get the ' _prettiest thing you ever saw_ ' too?" Ashton teased and Luke's hopeful expression said it all. "C'mon, princess," the older boy said as he led Luke towards the till where Mali was waiting, chatting absently to the girl behind the counter. "Let's get these and put them in the car before we go to see Harry, yeah?"

"But I wanted us to go home so that you could fuck me while I was wearing them," Luke pouted and Ashton went red, gripping Luke's hand a little tighter as he faltered halfway across the shop.

" _Please_ don't give me a boner in here or they won't let us come back," he hissed but his hazel eyes were gleaming. "Also, these are Christmas presents so you've still got two weeks to go, Lukey."

"Ah, damnit." The blond boy was grinning though and the black metal of his lip-ring caught the soft lights in the shop. His smile was a curious mixture of mischievous and loving.

Ashton wanted to stand there holding Luke's hand forever.

"C'mon, princess," Ashton repeated and Luke wrapped his arm around the older boy's waist again, settling his chin comfortably on Ashton's shoulder.

They paid while Mali continued chatting to the girl working the till and, when the three of them emerged into the late afternoon sunlight, everything felt quieter and calmer. Mali disappeared off to get some money out and, while she was gone, Ashton and Luke decided to wander back to the car so that they could put their new purchases away.

"Thank you, Ash," Luke said quietly as the older boy locked his car securely. There was a gull circling overhead and the blue sky was streaked with purplish-grey as the evening clouds rolled in. Distantly, Ashton could hear the sea.

"For what?" he asked softly and Luke was so stunningly beautiful when he looked at Ashton that it made the older boy's breath catch in his throat.

It felt like falling in love all over again.

Luke's smile was soft as he drifted closer to kiss Ashton gently.

"For everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I think the next chapter will be the last smut chapter of Maelstrom and then - if it all goes to plan - there'll be one more normal chapter or so, and then epilogue-y type things <3 - so I would estimate that there will be about five more updates maybe?  
> Please let me know what you thought and thank you so, so much for reading this far :) <3


	148. How That Could Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The sun was shining high in the sky and the waves were calm as the four of them lounged around on the beach all day, basking in the warmth and appreciating just how quiet the beach was because most people were at home with their families._  
>  _Ashton didn’t feel like he was missing out though._  
>  _His three best friends_ definitely _constituted family by this point anyway._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I LIED I'M SORRY THIS IS KIND OF THE LEAD-UP TO SMUT BUT SMUT _IS_ NEXT NOW I SWEAR
> 
> also i have to go the dentist now and i'm scared someone help me please oh my gosh

**_I'm fire – you're the ocean,_ **

**_I'm energy – you're the rhythm,_ **

**_Love is somewhere in between,_ **

**_What you believe and what you dream,_ **

**_I'm just trying to make you mine,_ **

**_You're the ocean._ **

_\- You’re The Ocean, Teitur_

 

Christmas that year was probably one of the nicest holidays Ashton had ever experienced, although he thought maybe that had a lot to do with spending it with Luke.

They woke up early on Christmas morning and opened presents with Sharon – Ashton had got Luke some stocking fillers so that no awkward questions would be raised as to why he hadn’t bought his long-term boyfriend a gift – and watching Sharon trying to put a new bright lime green collar on a disgruntled Shelly was definitely a highlight.

Ashton got some nice presents too – Mrs. McKay had sent him his own copy of _Best Drummers That Ever Lived_ with a note in the front cover thanking him for being such a lovely student – and Michael had given Ashton an obnoxiously large, bright pink dildo which he probably _wasn’t_ going to be using anytime in the near future.

“Your friends are strange, curly,” Sharon said when she saw that present, and Ashton laughed so much that he nearly overbalanced and fell out of the beanbag in the basement.

Every year Calum gave Ashton a variation of the same present – a shoebox full of different items that reminded them of the last year. This time around there were polaroids from the last couple of months – cute snaps of the four of them at the bowling alley or the beach or playing music – and a shell from when they’d visited some rock pools a few weeks back.

Calum had clearly been feeling sentimental too though because he’d added a lot of older stuff as well. There were fading photographs of Ashton and Calum when they were younger, dressed neatly in their school uniforms with Michael looking scruffy as he scowled behind them, and Ashton thought maybe his favourite photograph was one of him standing in Michael’s parents’ back garden.

The blond fluffy-haired boy was cackling and a seven year old Ashton was giggling too, clutching at his sides as he laughed, but the best part was a tiny Calum who was clearly roaring in terror as he ran out from under a eucalyptus tree in Michael’s garden.

Ashton remembered when that photo had been taken. Michael had shouted something about drop bears and Calum had charged into the house to hide under the kitchen table, and he’d refused to come out again for almost three hours.

In the end, Mali had had to come round with her mum and lure her little brother out with a biscuit.

Ashton remembered that day like it was yesterday and, even as he gave a slightly watery chuckle and let the photo flutter down onto a new pair of goalkeeper gloves that Calum had hidden in the bottom of the box, Ashton felt both young and old, and happy and sad, and he found it difficult to wrap his head around how that could be.

“You okay, Ashy?” Luke asked softly, sitting across from his boyfriend on the rug with his legs folded neatly under him. He was dressed in his pyjamas and his hair was sticking up from where Ashton had been running his fingers through it the night before. There was a bruise the older boy had sucked into his collarbone that was barely hidden by the stretched-out t-shirt Luke wore to sleep in.

Ashton loved him so much like that – sleep-rumpled and concerned and _loving_ – and it must have shown on the older boy’s face because Luke relaxed.

“I’m okay, Lukey,” Ashton promised, and he _was_. “Looking forward to later though.”

Sharon was taking Shelly when she left mid-morning to go and stay with her friend in Victoria which meant that Luke and Ashton had the house to themselves until the end of December – they were _very_ excited about this prospect – but they weren’t planning on having a Christmas dinner themselves this year.

Instead, they were going to spend the day with Michael and Calum at the beach.

The weather was lovely this time of year and the ocean was warm enough that no one had had any complaints.

Ashton had spoken to Michael about it on the phone a week ago and they’d decided it was probably for the best. That way, Calum wouldn’t have to stress about the food and the change of routine, and the four of them could just have a nice day together instead.

It went better than they’d planned in the end too.

The sun was shining high in the sky and the waves were calm as the four of them lounged around on the beach all day, basking in the warmth and appreciating just how _quiet_ the beach was because most people were at home with their families.

Ashton didn’t feel like he was missing out though.

His three best friends _definitely_ constituted family by this point anyway.

They’d all seen too much of each other and they’d been through too much together.

Michael and Calum were literally his brothers by this point, and Luke felt like a frigging _soulmate_ so Ashton figured he could probably be having a _much_ worse Christmas.

At least they were all together this time.

The rest of the afternoon passed relatively slowly – Ashton and Luke went to buy chips at around two o’clock, and Calum managed to eat a bit of lunch without feeling _too_ shitty about it which, according to Michael, was all they could hope for sometimes – and they’d messed around in the sea for a while too, splashing each other and trying to push Michael over to see if the saltwater made his hair fade. (Spoiler alert: It did.)

By six o’clock, they were all ready to go home.

“Catch up with you guys tomorrow or something?” Calum suggested as the four of them wandered back towards Ashton’s car.

“Yeah, definitely,” Luke said with a smile.

The sun was showing hints of beginning to set but the sky was still relatively bright when Ashton dropped Michael and Calum back at the house Mali shared with Harry.

Luke climbed out of the car and pulled the seat forwards to let their two best friends out. “Text us tomorrow morning and we’ll sort something, yeah?” he suggested and Ashton nodded in agreement.

“Sure,” Michael said with an easy smile, his emerald green eyes twinkling as he held Calum’s hand gently in both of his own.

There was a tattoo on one of Michael’s fingers now, as well as on his thumb and around his bicep. He’d inked up the inside of his left arm too – **_To The Moon_** \- and although neither had confirmed it, when Calum looked at those three words and blushed, Ashton thought he knew who the tattoo was for.

Michael wasn’t the only one who’d seemingly discovered the joys of tattoos though. Calum had a fair few of his own that he’d got relatively recently but Ashton thought his favourite was probably the bird Calum had got tattooed on his arm for his sister.

After everything Mali-Koa had done for her younger brother, Ashton thought she deserved that.

Ashton shook himself from his thoughts when Luke climbed back into the car, shutting the door behind him, and the blond boy was bouncing in his seat excitedly when he turned to look at his boyfriend.

“Excited?” Ashton teased and Luke’s eyes were bright in the evening light.

“Yes,” he said, completely unashamed. “Now drive us home. Please.”

Ashton glanced at Luke’s foot tapping distractedly on the floor, noticed the gentle shift of muscles in Luke’s arms as he folded them across his chest in an effort to keep still.

Ashton gave Luke’s thigh a gentle squeeze and his hand must have lingered for just a few seconds too long because Luke groaned as he shifted his hips a little.

“We’ll be home soon, princess,” Ashton said, unwinding his window because he kind of needed the cool air now. “I promise.”

Luke practically _ran_ from the car when they got back and he left the door to the bungalow open behind him as he disappeared into their room.

“Lukey, is it okay if I have a quick shower?” Ashton called, fighting a smile at Luke’s outraged sound from the bedroom. “We’ve been in the sea tons today. I feel gross.”

“Fine but hurry up!” Luke replied, poking his head out of their bedroom door. Ashton heard the telltale rustle of the bag from the lingerie shop a few weeks back that Ashton had returned to Luke before they left the house that morning. “I’ll use the ensuite. Just try not to take _too_ long, okay?”

Luke said it in such a cute, pleading little voice that Ashton couldn’t have teased him even if he'd  _wanted_ to.

“Of course not,” he promised, holding his arms out and letting out a little huff of air when Luke literally _threw_ himself at Ashton. “I love you, Lukey. You know that, yeah?”

“Always,” Luke promised, kissing Ashton’s throat before his tongue swiped out hesitantly. Ashton’s knees felt weak. “You taste like the sea,” Luke noticed and Ashton ducked his head to bite at Luke’s neck.

“So do you,” Ashton said as he kissed the skin there. “It’s like your eyes.”

Luke’s smile was so beautiful and Ashton kind of wanted to kiss him properly but Luke was shaking himself now, picking up the bag from where it had fallen onto the floor and hurrying off towards the other bathroom.

“Will you need any help?” Ashton asked, gesturing to the bag, and Luke grinned, shaking his head fondly.

"I'll be fine, Ash," he promised and his ocean-blue eyes were  _so_ soft. Ashton's love was burning like fire inside him.

"Don't be too long," Ashton found himself echoing and Luke's smile only grew.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> please let me know what you thought :) <3


	149. Chaos Theory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke had always wanted to look pretty – he’d always loved the idea of wearing beautiful clothes because, as a kid, he’d figured that if he looked desirable enough then maybe someone would finally_ want _him but... but what if this was_ too _weird? What if Ashton was just being kind and he wasn’t really into this at all?_  
>  _What if Luke lost him too?_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is, without a doubt, the single smuttiest thing I've ever written in my life but I feel like I kind of needed to get this out of my system? Like I wrote this at work which is awkward but I just got really ridiculously emotional about it because this is the last smut chapter of Maelstrom so I wanted to go out with a bang. (Braxton, that was for you.)  
> Okay, I hope you guys will enjoy this! :)

**_He holds me in his big arms,_ **

**_Drunk and I am seeing stars,_ **

**_This is all I think of._ **

_\- Video Games, Lana Del Rey_

 

Luke could feel his pulse thundering in his veins and, as he stood gazing at himself in no small amount of shock in front of the mirror in the ensuite, he was surprised he couldn’t see his heart trying to beat right out of his chest.

Luke’s small hand was trembling as he touched the lace of the basque shakily with his fingertips. The flowers on the lace were textured so he could feel the petals beneath the soft pads of his fingers. His cheeks were flushed pink and his eyes were bright.

“ _Oh_ ,” Luke breathed, swallowing audibly. He shook his head in an effort to clear it but all that happened was that his short blond hair tumbled down to fall into his eyes, wavy from the shower. He still felt just as hot and bothered.

The underwear was small and tight, just like Luke had thought it would be when he’d picked it out, and the little black silk bow and the lace around the sheer panel at the front looked _obscene_ where it trapped his half-hard cock.

Luke wondered why this was turning him on so much.

His hands were shaking harder as they drifted down the black silk of the basque and reached the bare strip of pale skin before his underwear began. Luke’s hands felt cool, just like they always did, but there was heat unfurling in his stomach and his cheeks were _burning_.

 **Ash**.

He needed Ash, needed his fingers and his cock and his sparkling eyes as he held Luke close and made him fall apart.

Luke’s cock kicked as he let his thoughts drift and he was almost fully hard beneath the black silk now, straining against it as he dampened the soft material with pre-cum.

“ _Shit_ ,” Luke groaned and his eyes were dark when he looked up at himself again. His broad shoulders were creamy against the black silk of the straps and the bruise Ashton had sucked into his pale skin the night before looked lonely there, like maybe Ashton needed to kiss his neck some more.

Luke went off in search of him, relishing the drag of the silk and lace against his overheated skin as he wandered through the quiet house.

The bungalow was empty as he padded through it with his feet bare and his golden hair hanging floppily against his forehead, and the setting sun’s rays were shining in through the windows and painting the walls of the hallway with reddish oranges.

When their open bedroom door came into sight, Luke’s heart began to race harder in his chest because, suddenly, this felt **real**.

Luke had always wanted to look pretty – he’d always loved the idea of wearing beautiful clothes because, as a kid, he’d figured that if he looked desirable enough then maybe someone would finally _want_ him but... but what if this was _too_ weird? What if Ashton was just being kind and he wasn’t really into this at all?

What if Luke lost him too?

His palms were sweating by the time he reached the door and Luke had _almost_ convinced himself that this was a stupid idea when he heard Ashton’s soft voice coming from their bedroom.

“Lukey?”

Luke stiffened, wringing his small hands together anxiously in front of him, and when Ashton appeared in the doorway wearing just his boxers with his hair unkempt like he’d been running his fingers through it nervously while he waited, Luke froze.

Ashton _stared_.

His hazel eyes traced the lines of black silk and the flowers cascading down Luke’s torso. He gazed at Luke’s creamy white skin and subtle curves as his muscular chest tapered down to his narrow hips.

Ashton took in Luke’s broad shoulders, pale thighs, and lean muscles. His eyes traced the contours of Luke’s torso through the sheer flowery panels in the basque, and Luke might have felt more self-conscious if he hadn’t _literally_ watched Ashton hardening in his boxers.

Luke gave a little twirl and his lips tugged up into a smile when Ashton made a choking noise.

“So what do you think?” Luke asked softly and, underneath a layer of false bravado, that same underlying worry was there, that fear that everything he’d grown so attached to would be swept away, like someone ripping the carpet out from beneath his feet.

“I think you look so, _so_ beautiful, princess,” Ashton whispered, _reverent_ almost, and Luke shook his worries away like drops of water.

Ashton wasn’t going to leave him. He _loved_ Luke and Luke loved him back.

“Merry Christmas, Ashy,” the blond boy said softly and Ashton smiled, reaching for Luke gently, like he was something fragile or delicate, almost like the black lace of the lingerie the taller boy was wearing now.

Ashton was cradling Luke in his big arms like he was afraid of _breaking_ him.

He didn’t seem to realise that Luke had never felt safer.

“You’re so _pretty_ ,” Ashton breathed, his eyes shining as he pulled his boyfriend gently closer, like he could hardly believe that Luke was _real_ , and if that wasn’t a confidence boost then nothing was.

Luke’s heart was still thumping too-hard in his chest but he thought it might be for a different reason when Ashton ducked his head to kiss Luke’s neck softly, his lips a warm comforting drag against the sensitive skin, the faintest trace of stubble making Luke’s breath catch in his throat.

“Bed?” Luke suggested hopefully and Ashton smiled as he pulled away, his eyes darker.

“Let me look at you first, princess,” the older boy said roughly and Luke’s knees felt weak as he deliberately brushed up against Ashton when he sauntered into their bedroom.

Ashton groaned low in his throat and Luke suppressed his smile as he came to a stop in the middle of their room.

Ashton had left the curtains open and the sky was a blood-red outside now, like a _ruby_ almost, bright and beautiful and perfect... like **Ashton**.

“You look _incredible_ , princess,” the older boy said softly, reaching out but faltering, like he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to or not.

“You can touch,” Luke said, winking because he was _lame_ , and Ashton’s lips twitched into a smile as he gripped Luke’s hips securely, completely covering them with his large hands.

“We _have_ to buy you more stuff like this, princess,” Ashton said, sounding _awestruck_ as he shook his head ruefully like he couldn’t believe how good his boyfriend looked. “Would you like that, Lukey? Would you?”

“Yes, daddy,” Luke breathed and he had to hold onto Ashton’s muscled shoulders tightly to stay upright now. Ashton let his hips rock forwards very deliberately and Luke moaned when he felt how hard Ashton was pressed against him.

The slide of black silk against Luke was an alien feeling but his silky underwear was slick with pre-cum now and, when Luke glanced down and saw how the rose-pink head of his cock was protruding from the black lingerie, he felt excited butterflies beating their wings in the confines of his stomach.

Luke couldn’t believe they were finally doing this.

He couldn’t believe this was _happening_.

When Ashton’s thumb rubbed gently over the tip of Luke’s cock, catching in the slit, any thought besides **_AshtonAshtonAshton_** trickled away as Luke’s knees buckled.

“ _Daddy_ ,” Luke keened, needy now, and Ashton’s hands were warm on Luke’s cheeks as he cupped them gently, stretching up to silence Luke’s pleas with a soft kiss that Ashton slowly deepened, licking hotly into the blond boy’s mouth and making his toes curl.

“Please,” Luke whimpered, trying to roll his hips against Ashton’s and making a soft sound of protest when the older boy’s hands slipped down to grip his hips, stilling him. “ _Please_.”

“Soon,” Ashton promised and then the edge of their double bed was suddenly pressing against the back of Luke’s legs and he didn’t even remember _moving_ and – god, he was so far gone already and Ashton had barely _touched_ him yet.

The older boy pushed Luke gently down onto the bed, cradling the blond boy’s head carefully with his hand, and the overwhelming feeling of **safety** that surged through Luke burnt away the last of his worries.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Ashton breathed as he kissed down the pale column of Luke’s throat, pausing to suck a bruise into the skin when Luke’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed audibly. Luke was hardening further in the lingerie and the friction was making his _head_ swim.

“God, I just want to look at you forever, you know that? You’re like a _painting_ , Lukey. Like the most beautiful painting I’ve ever seen. I’ve never seen _anything_ as beautiful as you before. You’re _gorgeous_ , princess.”

Luke preened at the praise, felt his cheeks blushing a rosy pink that matched the tip of his cock as his lips parted to pant for air when Ashton ducked his head to bite at the bruise he’d already left on Luke’s skin.

“ _Daddy_ ,” Luke breathed, gripping Ashton’s warm shoulders tightly and whimpering when his boyfriend carefully slid aside one of the black silk straps of the basque so that he could kiss Luke’s broad shoulders too.

The blond boy melted under Ashton’s careful ministrations and his ocean-blue eyes were hooded as Ashton knelt down beside Luke, letting one of his large hands carefully trace the delicate material covering Luke’s chest.

He rubbed at Luke’s nipples through the sheer patterned lace – first one and then the other – and Ashton looked pleased when Luke choked on a sob, even as the older boy let his hand slip lower to stroke the blond boy's hard cock through the black silk.

Luke bit his bottom lip, whining high in his throat as his hips jerked up into Ashton’s palm.

“ _Please_ ,” he gasped out, letting his hands fall down to Ashton’s waist instead so that he could thrust up clumsily against him. This time, Ashton let him. “ _Please_ , daddy! God, _please_.”

Ashton's soft pink lips tugged up into a little smile as he rubbed the pad of his thumb over the tip of Luke’s cock again, making his breath catch.

“You look so good, Lukey,” Ashton murmured, carefully easing the black silk over Luke’s hips and down his long legs. Luke whimpered at the drag of lace as his hips punched up when Ashton ducked his head to mouth at the inside of one of the blond boy’s soft thighs, his teeth just barely scraping the skin.

“What do you want me to do, princess?” Ashton asked and his hot breath washing over Luke was too much.

In answer, Luke’s little fingers wound through Ashton’s curls and he tugged Ashton’s head down, gazing at him with unfocused pleading eyes as he panted.

“ _Please_ ,” Luke breathed and Ashton ducked his head, stroked Luke’s thighs with his calloused hands as he mouthed at the younger boy's cock, making Luke cry out in ecstasy.

“ _Fuck_ ,” the blond boy groaned as Ashton sucked lightly at the tip before pulling away. “Stop _teasing_!”

“It’s hard to break habits,” Ashton said with a grin and Luke’s eyes were soft as he stroked Ashton’s jaw gently.

“You’ve always been good at that though,” Luke said and, sure, maybe now probably wasn’t the _best_ time to bring this up but… whatever. Ashton had stopped self-harming after _years_ and Luke was **so** proud of him – proud enough that he’d give up one of Ashton’s blow jobs for it and _that_ was saying something.

“Your eyes have gone all sparkly,” Ashton said and his face was close to Luke's, near enough that his lips brushed gently against the blond boy's cheekbone, as light as a butterfly’s wing.

That gentle touch ended up being Luke’s undoing because he dragged Ashton down into a kiss, sliding their mouths together and biting at Ashton’s full bottom lip until the older boy lost control too, kissing Luke hot and wet and filthy, and their hips slotted together and the friction – especially combined with the lace and silk – quickly became too much for Luke and he was coming, coating their stomachs and Ashton’s achingly hard cock and the flowery black lace.

It was like chaos theory almost, that gentle brush of Ashton’s lips on Luke’s overheated skin making him fall apart.

The sun was sinking outside the window and Luke was sticky and uncomfortable but Ashton was still _hard_ and –

“ _Oops_ ,” Luke breathed and Ashton’s eyes were raking over Luke's ruined appearance hungrily, taking in the younger boy’s flushed cheeks and trembling limbs and the way his soft pink cock gave a half-hearted twitch when Ashton rolled one of Luke’s pebbled nipples hard between his thumb and forefinger.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Luke whined high in his throat, wriggling away from the touch, even as he arched up, pressing back into it. Luke was oversensitive in the best possible way and… and maybe coming before he was supposed to was _worth_ it when Ashton was looking down at him like that.

“I didn’t get to cum, princess.”

Ashton was _pouting_ almost and Luke’s head still felt like it was full of cotton wool, like he hadn’t _quite_ managed to clear it yet. His glassy ocean-blue eyes were reflected back at him in Ashton’s and –

“You need to cum again too,” Ashton realised, his voice slightly breathless as he cupped Luke’s cheeks, ducking his head to kiss his lips softly. “You need to cum again, princess? Yeah?”

“Yeah, daddy _,_ ” Luke breathed, clinging to Ashton and digging his fingertips into the warm skin of Ashton’s shoulders because that sounded like a _really_ nice idea right about now. “You should fuck me. _Please_... can… can you fuck me?”

Ashton hesitated, stroking Luke’s blond hair away from his sweaty forehead before his hands fell to stroke the black silk again, smoothing up and down Luke’s sides comfortingly.

“Are you sure you won’t be too sensitive? I don’t want to hurt you, princess,” Ashton breathed and Luke’s pupils were _so_ blown now and he was already semi-hard again.

“But I _want_ you to, daddy,” Luke breathed and Ashton’s jaw fell slack before he caught Luke’s lips in a biting kiss, moaning into his mouth when the blond boy’s hands fluttered down to grip his cock through his boxers.

“ _Fuck,_ princess, I –” Ashton broke off, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard, and Luke wondered if he should be _embarrassed_ that he’d said that but… but he wasn’t…

He just wanted to be good for Ashton - that was okay, right?

Luke shouldn’t need to feel bad about that.

“You’re _perfect_ ,” Ashton breathed, kissing Luke’s lips and his cheeks and his nose. His eyes were dark but his hands were soft in Luke’s hair. “I love you, Lukey. So, _so_ much. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Luke breathed but his breath caught in his throat when Ashton rolled away from him to pull the lube out of the drawer.

“Don’t… don’t call it fuck though, princess, yeah? Making love… it sounds more… more like _us_ ,” Ashton said softly, his cheeks flaming like he was embarrassed, and Luke kissed Ashton again, sucking on the older boy’s bottom lip and making him moan.

“Do it,” Luke said, his voice shaky and several octaves too high as he tilted his head, giving Ashton access to suck another bruise into the pale skin of his throat. “Please, daddy. Make love to me. Do it. _Please_.”

Ashton groaned, squeezing his cock tightly in an attempt to relieve some of the pressure, and his eyes were _so_ dark as he took in Luke’s flushed face, gazed at the blond boy's splayed limbs and how the black lace was in sharp contrast to the younger boy’s lily-white skin.

“So pretty for me, princess,” Ashton murmured, his voice low, and Luke’s legs fell apart when Ashton coated his fingers with lube, taking extra care to make sure they were properly covered.

“ _Please_ ,” Luke whimpered when Ashton spread Luke’s thighs further, rubbing comforting circles into the pale skin with his thumbs.

Ashton was staring again, taking in the dusky pink hole and Luke’s almost-hard cock and the soft silvery hairs.

“ _Fuck_ , princess,” Ashton breathed and then his mouth was _there_ , his tongue this delicious wet heat as it circled Luke’s hole, making the blond boy clench down.

Luke’s moan was strangled and his hips jerked when Ashton’s soft curls brushed the insides of his thighs as his tongue worked deeper. Luke’s breathing was uneven, tearing out of him in gasps and whines as Ashton fucked him with his tongue.

“ _Daddy_ ,” Luke half-sobbed and he was _so_ hard now, his cock flushed an angry red as it leaked pre-cum onto the sheer black lace stretched taut across his stomach. “ _Please_. **More**.”

Ashton drew back, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he panted, trying to get his breath back again. Ashton’s lips were swollen and his eyes were _black_ as he let a long lube-wet finger graze Luke’s hole, too gently to be anything _close_ to enough.

Ashton was hard too. He was absolutely _soaking_ the front of his boxers now and his breath kept catching whenever he shifted so the friction must have been almost _unbearable_ but Luke had to admire the older boy’s self-control.

“ _Fuck, daddy_!” the blond boy whined when Ashton worked his finger into Luke’s tight heat with relative ease, stroking Luke’s achingly hard cock gently, and Luke was so sensitive that it almost _hurt_ now but... but it was **everything**.

Ashton fucked his long finger into Luke slowly, apparently relishing the broken little whimpers escaping Luke when he realised that the older boy was purposefully avoiding his prostate.

“ _More_ ,” Luke pleaded hoarsely and Ashton introduced a second finger, easing it in gently beside the first as he stroked Luke open, stretching the muscles gently so that he wouldn’t hurt Luke.

“God, princess, I still can’t get over how _beautiful_ you look,” Ashton murmured as he carefully added a third finger, finally letting his fingertips brush Luke’s prostate to give the younger boy some relief. Luke sobbed. “I’m gonna look after you, baby. Gonna make you feel so good, yeah? Why’re you crying, princess? You want me to stop? We can stop, I swear.”

Ashton stilled but his expression was so _soft_ when Luke pulled him down shakily for a kiss.

“Feels good,” Luke whispered, biting his lip and whining as he flung his head back into the pillows when Ashton hesitantly started to fuck his fingers into the blond boy again. “Feels _too_ good. Need you, daddy. Need you so _bad_.”

Luke’s chest was heaving and the lace against his hardened nipples was almost _too_ much now and he just needed Ashton inside him right that second, needed him to fill Luke up until there was nothing left for the blond boy to _take_.

“ _Please_ ,” Luke whimpered, his eyes wide and desperate as his cock lay hot against his stomach, scorching through the flowered lace. “I’m ready.”

Ashton swallowed audibly, shutting his beautiful hazel eyes for a moment so that his eyelashes fanned out on his flushed cheeks, long and beautiful, the colour of _caramel_ almost.

Ashton struggled out of his boxers clumsily, getting them caught around one ankle and almost overbalancing when he tried to kick them off, and Luke’s _heart_ kind of hurt.

God, Luke loved Ashton so much.

The blond boy’s chest was heaving when Ashton carefully withdrew his fingers and Luke whimpered softly at the loss.

“No condom,” he breathed when Ashton reached for one, gripping the older boy’s wrist gently and letting his thumb stroke lightly across the faded scars there. Ashton shuddered but his eyes were locked on Luke, drinking him in. “Want to _feel_ you.”

“ _Shit_ , princess,” Ashton gasped out but his hand had already fallen to slick himself up and Luke could see the lust burning like fire in Ashton’s lovely eyes. “Yes, yes, okay. Yes. I -”

“ _Ash_ ,” Luke said and his voice was softer as he lay there quietly, just _waiting_ now. “ **Breathe**.”

Ashton’s lips twitched into a weak smile and he pressed a small kiss to the corner of Luke’s mouth, right over the lip-ring that he loved so much.

“What would I do without you?” Ashton asked softly and Luke wrapped his arms around Ashton’s neck, holding him close and nuzzling his face into the warm skin of Ashton’s throat.

“You’d miss me,” Luke mumbled, rolling his hips just enough that the older boy groaned low in his throat when their cocks slid slickly together.

“I would,” Ashton murmured and his eyes were softer now as his hands fell to gently spread Luke’s thighs again, stroking the downy hair there and mouthing distractedly at Luke’s bruised neck as Ashton guided his cock so that the head caught against Luke’s hole.

Luke held Ashton’s gaze and nodded jerkily, trying to tell Ashton without words that he needed this now, even as his painfully-hard cock brushing against the tensed muscles of Ashton’s stomach made Luke moan.

“C’mon,” Luke said breathlessly when Ashton’s slick cock brushed against him teasingly. “Get in me, damnit.”

They both started laughing, giggling like idiots, and Ashton’s smile was so _fond_ as he finally rocked forwards so that the head was engulfed in heat.

Luke’s laughter caught in his throat and he whined, tensing up without meaning to as his aching cock gave a kick against his stomach, spurting out pre-cum across the midnight black of the lace.

“ _Please_ ,” Luke whimpered and his voice was high again, needy and desperate and kind of _pained_ , and the concern in Ashton’s hazel eyes only made Luke feel safer, even as the older boy gave a choked moan and let his forehead fall to rest against one of Luke’s broad shoulders as he trembled, fighting to keep still so that he didn’t hurt the blond boy.

“Keep going,” Luke breathed, keeping his voice low so that it didn’t have a chance to tremble like it wanted to. Luke hoped Ashton kept his head down because there were tears rolling down Luke’s cheeks now and, even if he _did_ feel overwhelmed when he felt Ashton sinking in deeper, Luke _loved_ it.

He couldn’t get _enough_ of being so full that he felt like Ashton was going to split him apart.

It was the best feeling in the world.

Ashton raised his head and his anxiety was burning away the lust in his eyes when he looked at Luke, taking in his too-bright eyes and slack jaw and the little panting gasps that were escaping the blond boy as he struggled to catch his breath properly.

“ _Lukey_?” Ashton asked weakly and his voice cracked.

“Daddy, please don’t stop,” Luke slurred, gripping onto Ashton’s shoulders tightly as he rocked his hips back to take the rest of the older boy in. Luke hissed and Ashton moaned, and then Ashton was sucking at Luke’s neck again, darkening the bruises as his fingertips dug into Luke’s waist, sliding against the black lace of the basque.

Ashton pulled out and thrust back in experimentally, swallowing Luke’s whines in a heated kiss as his hips pressed up against Luke’s clammy, overheated skin.

“ _Move_ ,” Luke choked out, shifting so that only one of his arms was wrapped around Ashton’s shoulders now. With his free hand, he traced the delicate black flowers flowing down his chest before his fingers wrapped loosely around his hard cock.

“ _Fuck_!” Luke whimpered, hissing at the contact as he tightened his grip, fisting himself in time with Ashton’s thrusts.

Luke still felt _incredibly_ oversensitive but some of the fog clouding his brain was burning away now as he chased his orgasm, rolling his hips back as Ashton sank in _so_ deep inside him, thrusting in like it was all he ever wanted to do.

Ashton’s hand threading through Luke’s wavy blond hair was making it even more untidy than playing in the ocean all day had managed to do, and the older boy’s lips were chapped from the salty water as he kissed Luke slow and deep, sucking on Luke’s tongue filthily as he stroked his hair in a surprisingly sweet movement.

All Luke ever wanted to do was kiss Ashton.

Everything might be a jumble and he might feel lost up in his head right now but that thought was _painfully_ clear.

Even a single _second_ spent not kissing Ashton was wasted, probably.

Luke wanted to kiss him **forever**.

The blond boy’s hand had picked up speed and his fist was tightening around the tip as Ashton shifted slightly, thrusting in so that the head of his cock hit Luke’s prostate straight on.

“ _Ashy_!” Luke cried out and, just like that, it was too much for him.

His toes curled so much it kind of _hurt_ and his stomach tightened and his back arched gracefully, and Luke came undone harder than he _ever_ had before.

He’d clenched down so tightly that it only took Ashton three more thrusts before he was coming too, grinding in deep as his teeth sank into the soft skin at the juncture between Luke’s neck and shoulder.

“ _Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke_.”

Ashton's words were whimpered as he pressed hot, open-mouthed kisses to the younger boy's skin, filling him with his cum.

Luke’s head felt funny, all fuzzy and warm, like nothing could hurt him with Ashton holding him close and bruising his hips with his fingers.

The older boy was pressing gentle little kisses of apology to the sore skin of Luke’s neck now, and they were _butterfly_ kisses almost, and it was unbearably sweet.

Luke loved him so much that it _hurt._

Ashton’s lips brushed Luke’s jaw gently as he carefully eased out and Luke felt Ashton’s warm cumdripping out of him. Ashton groaned when he saw it but he quickly tore his gaze away, focusing on the blond boy again.

Luke could tell even though his own eyes were shut. He could feel Ashton’s gaze fixed heavily on his face.

“Lukey?” Ashton asked softly and his fingertips were so gentle now as they stroked Luke’s jaw softly. “Lukey, are you okay?”

Luke made a small, incoherent mumbling noise but his eyes stayed stubbornly shut, even as his lips twitched into a weak smile. More than anything, he wanted to go to sleep now, cuddled safe in Ashton’s arms.

 _“Luke?”_ Ashton sounded worried. “Are you alright?”

Luke was quiet for so long that Ashton seemed to be trying not to panic.

" ** _Luke_**?"

Finally, Luke blinked one of his eyes open, stretching like a contented cat and wincing a little at the ache that movement caused. His ocean-blue eyes were sleepy but they were a little more focused now. His pupils were almost back to their normal size.

Luke still felt a bit detached though and he wondered why that was.

 _“Luke,”_ Ashton breathed, relief colouring his hazel eyes as he cupped Luke’s sweaty face gently in his big hands. “How’d you feel, princess?”

Luke’s thin lips tugged up into a smile at the pet name.

“I love you,” Luke told Ashton, just in case he’d forgotten. Then the question Ashton had asked filtered through the slowly-receding fog blanketing Luke’s thoughts. “How do I feel?”

“Yeah,” Ashton said softly, biting his lip with a confusion that was bordering on cautiousness. “Lukey, are you alright? What’s going on?”

The word made itself apparent to Luke although he wasn’t sure where it had come from.

“Subspace,” he mumbled, his eyes sleepy and content as he let his head roll to the side so that he could kiss Ashton’s palm. “I feel sticky and gross. Like I really need a shower.”

Ashton still looked a little puzzled but his expression became sympathetic as he stroked Luke’s hip comfortingly, carefully avoiding the little bruises he’d left behind.

Luke’s shaking hand fluttered across the black lace covering his chest before it rose - seemingly of its own accord - to brush Ashton’s soft tumbling curls away from his sweaty forehead with trembling fingers.

“I feel really happy,” Luke breathed and he felt like he was waking up kind of, like the sun was warming his skin and the birds were singing outside and he was gradually rising from sleep. “I feel like I love you more than anything.”

Ashton smiled gently, looking ridiculously pleased with himself as he ducked his head to kiss Luke gently, keeping it soft and chaste and _very_ sweet.

“I love you more than anything too, princess,” he promised and Luke sighed contentedly at those words, even as the last of the fog burnt away.

It felt a bit like breaking the surface of a swimming pool after holding your breath underneath the water for a long time.

Luke felt sort of _whole_ , as weird as that probably seemed, and the relief on Ashton’s face was plain to see.

“You back?” he asked quietly, keeping his voice soft and calm, and Luke’s lips twitched into a sleepy smile as he threaded his fingers through Ashton’s curls, pulling him down clumsily for another kiss.

“Yeah, I’m back,” Luke mumbled and he wrapped his arms around Ashton’s neck, clinging to him like a limpet. Ashton huffed out a laugh, sliding his own arms easily around Luke’s waist as he heaved him up into a sitting position, so that the younger boy was resting in his lap.

They still felt sticky and gross, and Luke probably _really_ needed a bath sometime soon but, right now, he was content to stay like this, with his forehead resting safe on Ashton’s warm shoulder as the older boy stroked his back in wide comforting circles.

“You wanna have a bath now?” Ashton asked softly, carding his fingers gently through Luke’s blond hair and leaving it sticking up messily. Ashton giggled. “I can wash your hair for you?” he suggested hopefully and that was what swung it for Luke in the end.

“Uh huh,” the younger boy mumbled, nodding once before he let his forehead fall down onto Ashton’s shoulder again. He was too tired to move from the mess he was sitting in. “Carry me.”

Ashton laughed softly, stroking Luke’s back with both hands again.

“Lukey, you’re… you’re bigger than me…” he pointed out and Luke bit playfully at his shoulder, sucking on the tanned skin and making Ashton’s breath catch in his throat. The older boy’s soft cock twitched between them and Ashton groaned, wriggling away.

“ _Stop it_ ,” he reprimanded but his eyes were twinkling and Luke smiled smugly, feeling proud of himself.

“ **Carry me** ,” Luke repeated, pouting now, and Ashton rolled his eyes, adjusting his grip and rising carefully with a long-limbed blond boy slumped against his chest.

Luke’s arms were wrapped loosely around Ashton’s neck and his face was tucked beneath his boyfriend's chin, pressed against Ashton’s warm tanned skin, and the black lace of the basque was kind of starting to feel uncomfortable now but he could take it off soon anyway so it didn’t really matter.

“I love you, Ash,” Luke breathed and Ashton smiled into Luke’s hair, dropping a kiss onto the top of the blond boy’s head as he carefully manoeuvred them out of their bedroom, heading for the bathroom.

If anyone was looking through the windows, they’d probably get an eyeful but, right then, Luke didn’t really care.

When Ashton’s grip tightened securely and he told Luke he loved him back, Luke knew the older boy had fixed him, because Luke had Ashton and that was all that mattered.

That was all that would _ever_ matter.

And Ashton had _Luke_ too.

 **Always**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!  
> There will be three more updates and they will all be epilogues I think - I can't believe we've come so far!  
> Thank you so so so much for reading this far :)  
> It really does mean everything to me and I love you all so much <3  
> Thank you x


	150. Epilogue 1: Walk On Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He still couldn’t believe he had someone as wonderful as_ Luke _lying peacefully in his arms, pressing sleepy kisses to the underside of Ashton’s jaw when the unfamiliar sounds of a foreign city outside slowly roused him from sleep._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so cathartic to write oh my gosh
> 
> this is kind of the 1st epilogue sort of thing but not? there are 2 more updates to go after this aaaaaargh what will i do after this fic it's taken me like 6 months to write oh my god
> 
> anyway, enjoy <3

**_We are surrounded by all of these lies,_ **

**_And people who talk too much._ **

**_You’ve got that kind of look in your eyes,_ **

**_As if no one knows anything but us._ **

_\- Tenerife Sea, Ed Sheeran_

 

Their lives didn’t always feel _real_ anymore.

Sometimes Ashton still woke up in a strange hotel room with Luke cradled safely in his arms, and he felt that momentary flutter of panic as he tried to place where he was or why their bedroom in Sharon’s bungalow looked so _strange_.

Then it would all rush back – Louis Tomlinson finding their YouTube account and the way their subscribers skyrocketed and how they were actually on _tour_ with One Direction now (and Ashton still found it incredibly weird that Harry – their _friend_ Harry – was the same guy who had auditioned for a TV show back in the UK with a band he’d had since college and had somehow managed to make it big too).

Ashton couldn’t wrap his head around _any_ of it but if he hadn’t after almost a year then he probably wasn’t _ever_ going to now.

He still couldn’t believe they’d made it.

He still couldn’t believe he’d got out of Sydney before it had crushed him like it had done his mother.

He still couldn’t believe he had someone as wonderful as _Luke_ lying peacefully in his arms, pressing sleepy kisses to the underside of Ashton’s jaw when the unfamiliar sounds of a foreign city outside slowly roused him from sleep.

“Hello, you,” Ashton whispered when Luke’s beautiful ocean-blue eyes blinked open to look at him.

Luke was nineteen now and Ashton was twenty. It felt scary kind of, not being a _teenager_ anymore, but that was obviously something he’d just have to get used to.

With Luke there – and Michael and Calum making cheerful jokes about how Ashton had to take Viagra to keep it up these days during interviews (which was _definitely_ inappropriate when he considered the age of a lot of their fan base) – Ashton figured he’d probably be okay.

He thought maybe having _money_ was one of the weirdest things now though.

Ashton didn’t have to worry about paying for things in shops anymore. He could just swipe his card and buy Luke all of the pretty things he gazed at longingly when he thought no one was looking, and Ashton didn’t have to stress about his card being denied or trying to manage his money so carefully anymore. He didn’t have to panic about scraping together the pennies like he’d had to do as a kid when he was trying to save enough cash to _feed_ everyone because it wasn’t _necessary_ anymore.

Ashton thought maybe the most satisfying thing about having money was that he could _finally_ pay his grandpa back for the drum kit though.

It was probably petty to take so much pleasure from that but it had been weighing on Ashton’s mind lately because, when it came down to it, that was what had set in motion Ashton’s dreams of leaving Sydney to play music and see the world.

During their first visit home since going on tour – and it was a good eight months since they’d set foot in Australia too – Ashton and Luke took the long walk from Sharon’s bungalow to Ashton’s grandparents’ house.

They’d already spent a couple of days relaxing with Sharon and Shelly in the bungalow, visiting Mali and Harry (although they'd seen a lot of Harry anyway, for obvious reasons, as well as Mali who often flew out to travel with them) – which was where Calum and Michael were staying now – and catching up with Graham over coffee, and now they’d moved onto the part of the trip where they visited Ashton’s family.

He’d already seen Grace once when they were out in town – she’d looked older but her smile was still just as steely as it had always been – and they’d arranged to come round and visit over the weekend which was what they were doing now.

Ashton and Luke kept their heads down as they walked the familiar paths and the sense of déjà vu Ashton felt was _stifling_ at times.

Although 5 Seconds Of Summer didn’t often get noticed when they were out and about just yet, Ashton and Luke were still careful to avoid the busier parts of town just in case. After the panic attack that **Michael** had had in the airport a few weeks back after they’d been mobbed, all four of them were wary of being spotted when there weren’t enough security guards around to deal with it.

That had been _scary_.

Luke’s cold grip on Ashton’s hand tightened, like maybe he was thinking about that too, but the blond man's grip became almost _painfully_ tight when they turned down the familiar road.

Ashton stopped walking when Luke stiffened, staring at the building he'd grown up in, and the curly-haired man soon realised why.

There was a **SOLD** sign in the ground in the front garden of the house next door to Ashton’s grandparents’ home.

The Hemmings had moved away.

Ashton pulled Luke into a tight hug wordlessly, rubbing his back gently as Luke tucked his face into the warm skin of Ashton’s neck.

The blond man didn’t cry but he was trembling in Ashton’s arms, clinging to the older man tightly like Luke’s life depended on keeping Ashton close.

“It’s okay, Lukey,” Ashton breathed and, when Luke straightened up a few minutes later and gave him a small smile, Ashton knew Luke _would_ be alright too.

“C’mon,” the taller man muttered, shaking his head to clear it. “I can see Harry and Lauren waiting on the doorstep.”

Ashton followed his boyfriend’s gaze and his lips tugged up into a smile, despite the concern he still felt for Luke.

“Hey, guys!”

“ _Ashy_!”

When Lauren and Harry realised they’d been spotted – and they didn’t look anywhere _near_ as little anymore, a fact that made a lump rise in Ashton’s throat – his brother and sister came hurtling down the steps, pushing each other and giggling as they flung themselves into Ashton’s arms with so much force that he fell backwards onto the driveway.

Lauren’s arms were wrapped tight around her older brother’s waist and Harry’s face was pressed into Ashton’s neck as he hugged him tightly and, sure, maybe Ashton _couldn’t_ breathe with them both sitting on him like that but, when Luke smiled down at him softly as Harry and Lauren both started chattering at once, Ashton figured there were probably _worse_ ways to get smothered.

Grace appeared in the doorway, calling Harry and Lauren away before Ashton had a chance to turn purple, and Luke squeezed Ashton’s shoulder when the smaller man struggled to his feet, brushing the dust off his clothes.

“It’s wonderful to see you both looking so well,” Grace said softly when she’d approached them, pulling Ashton into a tight hug before she coaxed Luke into a much gentler one, like she was worried about frightening him. “How have you been?”

“We’re okay,” Luke said honestly and Ashton smiled in confirmation, lacing his fingers with his boyfriend’s. Luke’s face fell a little though and Ashton bit his lip.

“When did _that_ happen?” he asked, nodding towards what had once been the Hemmings' house.

Grace pursed her lips again, looking as disapproving and stern as she always did when Luke’s family were mentioned.

“Two months ago,” she said, glaring over at the empty house before her expression softened as she turned back to Ashton and Luke. “I didn’t know whether you’d want me to tell you or not but… it didn’t seem like it would help anything…”

Ashton wasn’t sure he completely agreed with her – some forewarning might have been nice – but he understood where she was coming from and that was why he managed a tight smile.

“Where’s _he_?” Ashton asked and Grace’s brow creased as her face fell marginally. “I need to talk to him.”

“Your… your grandfather hasn’t been very well,” she said delicately and Luke’s hand tightened around Ashton’s. The older man exhaled evenly with mild difficulty.

“What do you mean?”

Grace wouldn’t say.

“He’s just not well,” she repeated, looking conflicted as she glanced back towards the house, watching as Harry and Lauren let themselves in, leaving the front door open behind them. “I… I don’t blame you for being angry at him. He’s done a lot for you to be angry _for_. Just… listen to what he has to say… please? It will put his mind at rest.”

Ashton’s hazel eyes were wide but he couldn’t forget how George had behaved the last time he’d seen them, how the old man had _literally_ made Luke sob with fear as he essentially disowned Ashton. He _wouldn’t_ forget.

He **refused** to.

“Fine,” Ashton said at last, rubbing the back of Luke’s hand gently with his thumb. “Sure, I’ll listen. That doesn’t mean I have to like it though.”

Grace still looked troubled but she gave Ashton a gentle squeeze on the shoulder before she led the pair of them into the house.

It felt strange to be back there and Ashton found himself standing a little closer to Luke as the front door shut behind them.

Nothing had _changed_ exactly – it still had the same light, airy rooms and expensive furnishings that had thrown Ashton so much when he’d first moved in after Anne’s trip to the hospital – but the house looked _smaller_ somehow.

Ashton thought maybe it was because he’d seen so much more of the world now, like he’d always wanted to do. He had the opportunities to visit new places and breathe fresh air and play his music and just **run**.

Ashton was finally satisfying his wanderlust – and the word didn’t make him shudder anymore – but before Ashton could feel _completely_ free, there was still something he needed to do first.

George was waiting for Ashton in the living room, wrapped in the patchwork blanket that Ashton had once snuggled under with his nan. Everything had been pleasantly fuzzy because Ashton had left his glasses upstairs but the room was in crystal clear clarity now, and he thought maybe it was better that way.

“You came back,” George said, and there wasn’t much emotion in his voice either way. He just sounded hoarse and tired. He looked _small_ sitting there.

“Not for long,” Ashton said and he kept his fingers laced gently with Luke’s, uncaring as to what his grandfather thought of him anymore.

Ashton reached in his pocket one-handed and dropped a sealed envelope down onto the coffee table in front of George.

“What’s this?” the old man rasped and Luke’s hand gently squeezing Ashton’s gave him the strength he needed to stand taller.

“It’s the money I owed you for the drum kit.”

George stared up at Ashton for a long, _long_ time and he looked almost _approving._

Ashton hated it.

“I don’t want your money,” George said at long last and Ashton’s lip curled.

“I don’t care,” he said, making as though to walk away.

“Please wait –” George’s voice was strained and Ashton turned back slowly, fighting to keep his emotions off his face. Luke’s fingers were soft and cool between Ashton’s. He inhaled shakily.

“ _What_?” Ashton asked and he sounded tired, like he’d had enough of this conversation.

“I…” George’s expression twisted a little, became sour. “I wanted to… to _apologise_ … for the way I behaved.”

Ashton remembered what his nan had said during one of his last visits here before their first gig. She’d hinted that her husband might like to make amends but, looking down at his grandfather now, Ashton couldn’t see it.

He seemed like he was only doing this to placate his wife.

“What? Are you going to suggest we start trying to rebuild our relationship now too?” Ashton demanded and his words might have sounded heated but there was something _icy_ in his tone, colder than Luke’s fingers wrapped around his and frostier than the sea spray that had soaked them that night when he’d thrown his razor blade into the ocean.

Ashton didn’t need this and neither did George, no matter _how_ much he might have deluded himself.

“I had hoped that –”

“You lost that right when you were a bigot and said that the man I _love_ deserved to be hurt because he was gay,” Ashton interrupted and Luke flinched, wrapping his cool fingers around Ashton’s wrist and turning his face into the older man's shoulder.

Ashton slipped his arm around Luke’s waist, pulling him close and rubbing his hip comfortingly.

“I don’t even want to be in the same room as you,” Ashton said flatly and George just sat there beneath the blanket, shrunken and smaller than his grandson remembered, like the old man was wasting away.

It _frightened_ Ashton just how much he didn’t care.

“I think you’ve said everything you needed to,” the twenty year old said and he looked down at George one last time, taking in his dark eyes and his gnarled hands folded like claws atop the blanket.

He was _poisonous_.

Ashton wanted nothing more to do with him.

“There’s five hundred dollars in that envelope,” the curly-haired man said quietly, nodding towards where it lay on the coffee table again. Ashton’s expression twisted and he turned away. “I don’t want you to contact me again.”

George didn’t speak again until Ashton and Luke were already halfway out of the door.

“I really _am_ sorry, Ashton,” George tried, one last time.

Ashton looked over his shoulder at his grandfather and his heart ached a bit.

“Apologise to Luke,” he said and the blond man stiffened.

George hesitated, a sneer twisting his lips fractionally, and Ashton made a small noise of disgust.

“I won’t be seeing you,” he said coldly, pulling the living room door shut roughly. Ashton was _shaking_ as a sob tore through him and it was only Luke’s trembling arms wrapped tightly around Ashton that kept them _both_ from falling apart.

“You want to go and see your nan? And Harry and Lauren?” Luke asked softly and Ashton shuddered, drying his eyes with the sleeve of the flannel he had stolen from his boyfriend as he calmed his breathing with difficulty.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Ashton said at last, brushing his curls away from his face and cupping Luke’s cheeks gently so that he could place a soft kiss on his lips. Ashton let their foreheads fall to rest together for a moment and Luke raised a small pale hand to stroke Ashton’s neck, the movement so light that it tickled a little bit.

Ashton gave a watery giggle, sniffing hard and shaking his head ruefully before he escaped, lacing his fingers with Luke’s again.

“C’mon, princess,” Ashton said softly and the pride in Luke’s face made the older man feel like he could walk on water. It felt like he could do _anything_. “Let’s try to enjoy today.”

They did in the end too.

Grace looked like she’d expected as much when Ashton swiftly relayed how the conversation with her husband had unfolded and, instead of trying to persuade Ashton to reconsider, she simply gave the pair of them a sandwich and a glass of pink lemonade each, and led them out into the garden to sit with Harry and Lauren on a rug stretched across the grass.

They had a picnic of sorts and Lauren asked a lot of questions about One Direction, and Harry was just gleefully pointing out that he had tripped his friend over at school for laughing at a video of Ashton that had surfaced which had shown him managing to hit himself in the face with his own drumstick while onstage – and that had fucking _hurt_ too – when Ashton heard a plane flying overhead and glanced up, distracted.

He’d been on a lot of planes lately which had been weird at first – he’d never even been _close_ to one before they’d gone on tour – but he was used to them now. He liked sitting beside Luke and gazing out over the world, staring at the sparkling oceans and the vast expanse of desert and the gleaming cities as he heard his other two best friends talking softly behind them.

Ashton couldn’t wait to leave Sydney again.

He’d been worried about it at first – he’d got homesick and anxious and afraid – but those feelings were all but gone now and Ashton had finally realised _why_ he felt so comfortable travelling to places he’d never been and playing to audiences of _thousands_ of people when, once upon a time, he’d been too afraid to speak up in class for fear of embarrassing himself.

It was because, at the end of the day, Ashton knew that he and Luke – and Michael and Calum too for that matter – would always be okay now because they had each other, no matter what, and that was _never_ going to change.

Ashton loved his friends so much it _hurt_ sometimes but it was the best kind of pain in the world, and it made him feel alive.

Ashton hoped that pain never stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!  
> And I'm sorry for rambling earlier :')  
> I'm having an emotion :O


	151. Epilogue 2: Long Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _George still smelt of mint and coconut-flavoured soap, and Ashton still loved him._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I gave myself such bad feels writing this.  
> And it's the penultimate chapter! I'm literally so upset right now oh my god.  
> Okay, ramble over.  
> Hopefully you'll all enjoy this! :)

**_We might be hollow but we're brave._ **

_\- 400 Lux, Lorde_

 

It was hard to believe that their third and final headline tour was over now.

Ashton knew he would never forget their last show for the rest of his life.

He’d always remember how, onstage at least, he felt almost **better** – maybe not _completely_ healed but then, maybe he never _would_ be – because drumming had made the life course through Ashton’s veins again and, suddenly, the stress caused by the years of touring and being permanently in the media were washed away, and everything had felt worth it again.

When Michael had thrown his head back and shouted: “Thank you, London! We’ve been 5 Seconds Of Summer!” and the fans had shouted: “ _Long live, 5SOS_!” right back, because they _knew_ it was the last show that the band were playing, there had been tears and stupid, too-wide smiles and the kind of grins that made your whole _face_ ache.

Ashton would never forget how playing to a crowd made him feel, would never forget how wonderful it was to see Michael and Calum and, most of all, **Luke** as they rocked out, playing their instruments and singing like their hearts were about to burst and just **_living_** – it was the best sight in the world for Ashton because it showed that all of those years in the garage and Sharon’s basement had been _worth_ it.

Their struggles hadn’t been for nothing.

At twenty four, Ashton felt more tired than he probably had any _right_ to although, when the stress of the last four years was taken into account, Ashton supposed that was fair enough.

More than anything, the older man just wanted to settle down now, and that thought didn’t scare him anymore.

He and Luke had gone through a pretty rough patch a few years ago but they were closer than they’d _ever_ been these days, and the ring box Ashton was carrying around with him in his pocket now was growing heavier and heavier as the days trickled past.

The four of them were definitely okay now though – _more_ than okay – but when they stepped off the plane and emerged blinking into the bright sunlight of Sydney, there was a dull sense of finality in the air all the same.

They’d decided unanimously that after three world tours, maybe it was time to call it a day.

After they’d witnessed what the stress and pressure that lingering in the public eye for too long could cause, the four of them had called it quits. They didn’t want to follow in One Direction’s footsteps because, although the four of them fully supported the guys going off their own way, they didn’t want to see that happen to them too.

So now they were back in Sydney, with a whole lot of money in their bank accounts and weariness in their bones, and more than anything now – as Ashton had been thinking for _months_ – he just wanted to buy a place with Luke and produce music and write songs.

Ashton and Luke hadn’t found anywhere they wanted to buy yet so they were staying in the bungalow again, lying on their old double bed as they looked at the long faded curtains and the tiny rickety table and the dust motes orbiting in the rays of sunlight shining through the glass of the tall, narrow windows.

The light shining through the blue of the curtains made it look like they were underwater and Ashton felt kind of like he was drowning, like he was _suffocating_ almost, and he realised that he felt the same as he had done before.

Everything might have changed but he still just needed to get out. They might not be suffering so much anymore and Ashton _definitely_ didn’t feel alone these days, but he was still praying to find that one safe place where he could stay.

He didn’t have to worry about his wanderlust anymore and he didn’t feel homesick these days either, because **Luke** was Ashton’s home now, and Luke was ever-changing, so Ashton _never_ had to worry about growing bored and restless from staying in the same place for too long.

Luke was **perfect** for him.

That was why Ashton wanted to marry him.

He knew there’d never be another like Luke and he knew Luke was _it_ for him.

Ashton just wished the thought of proposing to Luke didn’t fill him with absolute _dread_ because, after everything that had happened, Ashton couldn’t stand the thought of Luke rejecting him.

He _couldn’t_ lose Luke, even though _something_ needed to change if their relationship was going to last, because they might have grown closer than ever but it felt like something was _missing_ almost, and Ashton didn’t know what it was but maybe this was it.

In the end, Ashton’s fear of Luke drifting away from him in the current that was their unfortunately turbulent life became stronger than his fear of Luke’s rejection.

He suggested they take a walk on a particularly sunny morning, just a few weeks after they’d returned home for the last time, and Ashton had made sure to text Michael and Calum with his plans too, so he really couldn’t back out of it (and it wasn’t even like Ashton _wanted_ to – he was just scared).

The pair of them walked down the old tree-lined road that they had wandered so often when they were younger and, almost without meaning to, they ended up standing beneath the splintering archway that had once been the entrance to the pier that no longer existed – the place where they first met.

Luke was chattering about something, his ocean-blue eyes wide and sparkling, his hand gestures wild, but Ashton couldn’t really process what he was saying.

“Luke,” Ashton interrupted and the blond man fell silent, regarding his boyfriend with confusion. “I just –”

When Ashton sank down shakily onto one knee, gripping the splintering wood tightly with one hand to steady himself – because toppling sideways into the ocean when he was trying to propose was definitely _not_ on his list of things to do today or, you know, _ever_ – Luke covered his mouth with his small hands, his eyes so wide and shocked now that Ashton was more concerned that _Luke_ was about to keel over sideways, let _alone_ him.

Ashton pulled the ring box out of his pocket, opening it carefully, and Luke’s little gasp as he gazed down at the white-gold band nestled safely in the velvet was one of the sweetest sounds Ashton had ever _heard_.

“Luke Robert Hemmings,” Ashton said softly, taking care to keep his breathing even and slow as he tasted the words in his mouth. “I’ve known you since I was seventeen years old and, y’know, I kind of hated you a bit at first, because you were all cute and I had to admit I was gay and stuff. You know how it is.”

Luke’s lips twitched faintly but his eyes were shining with tears when one of his hands dropped down to cover Ashton’s where it rested on the wood, holding on so tightly that it kind of _hurt_.

Ashton never wanted to let him go.

“But… but pretty soon I realised that you were the most _amazing_ person I’d ever met and… and by then I loved you too much to even _think_ about leaving you, even though I tried because I was stupid and misguided.”

Luke’s smile was sadder now but the tears in his eyes had boiled over and he was holding Ashton’s hand so tightly that his knuckles had gone white.

“You’ve saved me a million times over and I like to think I’ve maybe helped you too,” Ashton said and his cheeks were flaming as he pulled Luke’s hand down gently, pressing a soft kiss to the younger man’s knuckles. “You sang to me once in the middle of the night on the floor of your aunt’s bathroom and I just wanted to say that those words are still true now, Lukey. _I love you more than I can ever scream_ – and I always will. For the rest of my life, I’m going to keep right on loving you because you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and ever _will_ happen to me and – I’m rambling. Uh… yeah… so… so basically what… what I was wondering was…”

Ashton shook his head ruefully, ducking his head and steeling himself before he looked back up at Luke with tears shining in his hazel eyes and his heart in his throat.

"Will you marry me?"

The short silence was broken by the waves crashing against the beach and the gulls crying in the sky.

“Yes,” the blond man breathed and he was _shaking_ as he sank down onto his knees in front of Ashton, peppering Ashton’s stunned face with kisses as he cupped his cheeks gently. “Yes, yes, yes.”

Luke sounded dazed almost but, when Ashton let out a watery laugh as he slipped the ring onto Luke’s finger, it felt like the first time they’d held hands, felt like Luke was pulling Ashton out from beneath the waves and holding him tightly, keeping him adrift.

When Luke pulled Ashton into a much longer kiss with his thumb caressing the older man’s jaw gently, Ashton knew this had been the right thing to do and, judging by the look of contentment on Luke’s face when he broke away to _breathe_ again, Ashton figured he probably felt the same.

“I love you,” Ashton breathed, suddenly hesitant, and Luke’s eyelashes were spiky with tears as he smiled softly at Ashton, cupping the older man’s cheek gently with his cool palm.

“More and more every day,” Luke whispered and his eyes were twinkling like sunlight on the ocean when he drew back, rising on seemingly-shaky legs as he took Ashton’s hand gently, helping the older man to his feet.

“C’mon, Ashy,” Luke grinned as he tugged Ashton along by the hand, almost _skipping_ as the happiest smile Ashton had ever _seen_ spread across Luke’s face. “I want to tell everyone that you’re making an honest man of me.”

Ashton rolled his eyes, trying (and failing) not to giggle. “You’re so _lame_ ,” he said but his eyes were gleaming and Luke smiled, apparently very pleased with himself.

“That’s why you love me though,” the blond man pointed out before he frowned suddenly, looking at his boyfriend – no, his _fiancé_ – with curiosity burning in his eyes.

“How did you measure for the ring?” Luke asked suddenly, biting his lip and fighting his smile as he gazed down at it. “It fits _perfectly_.”

Ashton prepared himself for Luke’s reaction.

“Uh… I waited ‘til you were sleeping and then I measured your finger with some bolt cutters,” Ashton admitted and Luke _cackled_ , covering his face with his hands as he snorted with laughter. Ashton’s cheeks flamed but he had to bite his full bottom lip to keep from grinning as the relief coursed through him.

“Oh my god – _what_?!” Luke gasped and he had to wipe away tears as he laughed. “So… so let me get this straight… you snuck in when I was sleeping and put fucking _bolt cutters_ around my finger so you could measure it?! What the _hell_ , Ashton?! That’s _crazy_! Oh my god, Mikey’s going to _cry_ when I tell him this!”

“Mike already knows actually, seeing as it was his idea,” Ashton muttered, pouting a little bit, but his smile grew when Luke pulled him into a deep kiss, and the older man figured that maybe Luke didn’t _really_ mind after all.

“We have to go and tell Sharon!” Luke said suddenly, his whole face lighting up, and Ashton grinned, entwining his fingers with Luke’s as the pair of them started back up the tree-lined road towards the bungalow.

“Um… hopefully, like, we can tell her and then have amazing sex later or something but…” Ashton bit his lip and Luke’s eyes were soft as he gave Ashton’s hand a gentle squeeze, like he knew what the older man was about to say. “First… I… I need to do something by myself.”

Luke nodded, capturing Ashton’s lips in a gentle kiss before they parted slowly. They’d stopped walking in the middle of the pavement but the road was as empty as it always was so it didn’t really matter.

The trees rustled overhead in a light breeze and Ashton smiled faintly, remembering drop-bears, and Calum and Michael, and how much he _adored_ the amazing man standing in front of him.

“Are you going to visit George?” Luke asked softly and Ashton bit down so hard on his lip that Luke had to free it gently with his fingertip.

“Yes,” Ashton breathed, curling his hands into fists instead as his heart ached a bit, and Luke nodded calmly, kissing Ashton on the forehead as he threaded his small hand through the older man’s curls.

“I’m glad,” Luke said and the pain in his eyes was barely noticeable but Ashton still saw it. “I’m really proud of you.”

“I just… I need to do this,” Ashton said weakly. “He’s getting worse apparently and… and I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive myself if –”

“I understand,” Luke promised and he pulled Ashton into a hug, holding him so tightly that it felt like Ashton maybe wasn’t going to fall apart after all. “You need to do this. Go and do it now, yeah? Walk there and clear your head, and then we can tell people later and be all happy and stuff, and we can see about that amazing sex, okay? But do this first. You _need_ to, Ashy.”

Ashton nodded, kissing Luke briefly before he stepped away from him, rubbing the back of his neck ruefully as he tried to calm his breathing.

“I’ll see you in an hour or so,” Ashton promised and Luke’s eyes were so _soft_ as he nodded.

The walk to Ashton’s grandparents’ house seemed to pass too quickly and, when he was halfway down the driveway, he realised he wasn’t _ready_ for this.

To be fair though, Ashton didn’t think he’d _ever_ be ready.

He knocked on the door softly, half hoping that nobody would be in since there was no car in the drive but, when he heard a faint voice calling that it was open, Ashton opened the door with a shaky hand.

“Hello?” he called out and Ashton heard George’s sharp intake of breath through the open door of the living room, even as the old man was overtaken by a fit of coughing.

Ashton’s heart ached when he came to a stop in the doorway, remembering the last proper conversation he’d shared with his grandfather, even as he realised just how much had _changed_ over the last four years.

Ashton stumbled forwards on weak legs.

“I came back,” Ashton said and George looked _tiny_ , sitting swathed in a blanket with a book lying open on the cushions beside him.

“Your grandmother will be back with Harry and Lauren in around an hour,” George said hoarsely, glancing at the clock on the wall before his dark eyes flickered back to rest on Ashton again.

“I didn’t come to see them,” the curly-haired man said softly and his voice was heavy as his shoulders slumped. “I came to see you. I have some things I need to tell you before –”

“Before I die,” George interjected and Ashton’s scowl was weak at best.

“Yeah,” he said and George looked _lost_. Ashton sat down on the sofa beside him, keeping a little gap between them as his heart raced in his chest.

“Um… two things really,” Ashton said and he kept his eyes fixed on his hands so that he could talk without his voice shaking, took in his long fingers and the nails he kept clipped short so that he didn’t hurt Luke because that was a safer option than looking into his grandfather’s fading eyes.

“First… um… I… I behaved very rashly the last time I saw you and… and I’m sorry for that,” Ashton admitted and his eyes were frightened, and he felt seventeen again, just for a moment, lost in a dark world that didn’t exist outside his head.

George’s eyes were damp but he nodded silently, waiting.

“Second thing… uh… Luke and I… we’re… we’re getting married,” Ashton said and he didn’t know why George had been the first person he told but... but it felt _important_ somehow.

It felt **right**.

Ashton didn’t know what response he was expecting but it _certainly_ wasn’t: “Well, you could do a lot worse than Luke.”

Ashton stared at his grandpa in stunned silence, aware that his jaw had dropped open but unable to do very much about it.

“What?” Ashton stammered and his eyes were wide with shock. “I don’t –”

“I was a fool,” George said simply and even just shrugging nonchalantly seemed to tire him out nowadays. “You were right, you know. I was a bigoted, ignorant fool who let his prejudices blind him and… and I missed out on a lot of time with you because of that… and I’m sorry, Ashton. I’m really, truly sorry.”

Ashton had turned up hoping that maybe they could reach some mutual understanding where they went some small way to forgiving each other because Ashton didn’t want George to _die_ feeling like this but… but never in Ashton’s wildest _dreams_ had he ever expected an outcome like this.

“I’m sorry too,” Ashton whispered and the tears that had been collecting in his hazel eyes boiled over, streaming down his cheeks silently as he gripped his grandfather’s hand.

“We probably don’t have time to rebuild our relationship now,” Ashton joked wetly, remembering his impulsive words from before, but they were true though, because George was getting weaker and weaker every day, and the knowledge of this kind of  _hurt_ Ashton.

He had behaved foolishly – and so had his grandpa – and they’d wasted a lot of time because of that.

“This is enough,” George said softly, his voice faint as he closed his eyes for a moment, holding Ashton’s hand as tightly as he could – his grip was feather-light and it made the lump in Ashton’s throat even more painful to swallow around.

“You shouldn’t be crying though,” George said quietly, his voice cautious. Ashton opened his eyes, wiping them meekly with the sleeve of his grey sweatshirt. “You just got engaged after all.” Ashton smiled, despite himself, and George’s cheerful expression was faint. “I hope you’ll be very happy.”

Ashton pulled George into a gentle hug, fighting a sob when the old man’s arms wrapped around him weakly, and Ashton felt something heal inside his heart that he hadn’t even realised was _broken_ before now.

George still smelt of mint and coconut-flavoured soap, and Ashton still loved him.

“ _Now_ I can be happy,” Ashton whispered and his grandfather’s weak grip tightened around him infinitesimally. “You’re my grandpa. You’ll _always_ be my grandpa.”

Ashton choked on a sob and George felt cold as he gripped his grandson tightly.

“I forgive you,” Ashton breathed.

When George passed away a few days later, he was at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought of the update :)  
> I cannot believe that we are almost at the end of Maelstrom... Only one more update to go!  
> It's been a crazy six months but I'm so glad I could share this fic with you all <3  
> Thank you so so so SO much for reading this far.  
> I love you guys a whole damn lot <3


	152. Epilogue 3: Fading In The Sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton loved how he and Luke still held hands just as tightly as they had done when they first met._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last update of Maelstrom!  
> I'll get all soppy afterwards so, for now, I hope you'll really enjoy this!  
> Thank you so much <3  
> (I told you there'd be a happy ending!)

**_Don't you want them all to remember our names?_ **

**_Talk about our love and the trails we blaze,_ **

**_'Cause the only thing that the world can't change is you and I._ **

_\- History, Olly Murs_

 

Ashton and Luke settled down in Los Angeles in the end, although it took them nearly ten years of moving home countless times before they found somewhere that they were finally comfortable in.

Married life suited them, and being parents did even more so, despite the fears they’d had when they were younger and first starting out together.

They had two adopted daughters now who were as different from each other as Luke and Ashton were.

Maya was only four years old but she was already one of the most outgoing children at her playgroup.

She had soft, platinum blonde curls and wide cornflower blue eyes that made her look a _lot_ more innocent than she was.

Luke often said that the little girl reminded him of Ashton when he was onstage, alive and bubbling with enthusiasm and joy, and Ashton had to admit that he could see what his husband meant – and honestly, he would _never_ get tired of referring to Luke as that.

Maya stumbled through life clumsily with a wide-eyed gaze and a perpetual smile on her tanned face. She wore cute little beaded bracelets that Sharon had made for her the year before and she liked rolling around on the ground when she found something funny, although Ashton had never quite worked out _why_.

Sophie was the polar opposite to Maya.

She was seven years old and very, _very_ quiet.

Sophie was painfully shy around anyone who wasn’t her sister, her parents, her uncles Michael and Calum, or her (great) aunts Mali and Sharon. Sophie often hid behind her long curtain of dark brown hair, regarding the world through wary eyes hidden behind glasses, but she smiled often and those soft grins made her whole face light up like Luke's did when he saw something that made him happy.

Sophie was never seen without a book in the little satchel she always insisted on carrying, and one of Ashton’s very  _favourite_ memories of being a dad was when he had walked into the living room with a sleepy Maya on his hip - clean out of the bath - only to find Luke and Sophie cuddled up with a Winnie The Pooh book as the younger man tried to teach his daughter to read.

At thirty four, Ashton had never been happier than he was now, sharing a beautiful home with his little family.

Every memory he made with Luke, Maya and Sophie was something to be treasured, and Ashton knew that all of the pain he had gone through when he was younger had been _worth_ it if he got to have this life now.

He loved his daughters so much – more than anything in the world – but that didn’t mean he loved Luke any less.

Instead, it felt a bit like Ashton’s heart had expanded to accommodate everything he was feeling, rather than limiting everyone to just a _bit_ of affection.

Ashton loved so much that it felt like he was going to burst sometimes but he liked it that way, liked the warmth that came with adoring Luke and Maya and Sophie, and Calum and Michael who had _finally_ got married too.

Ashton liked how happy loving Sharon and Grace and Harry and Lauren and even the memory of George and his _mother_ made him. He liked the smiles that spread across his face when he thought about Graham and Shelly, and Mrs. McKay and her grandson Barry, and even _Aleisha_.

Most of all though, Ashton loved loving his little family.

He loved how Sophie held Maya’s hand gently as she led her along the dusty pathway of the hill they were hiking up in the sunshine. He loved how Sophie carefully steadied her little sister when she stumbled and he loved hearing Maya’s animated chatter as the two girls wandered on a few metres ahead.

Ashton loved how he and Luke still held hands just as tightly as they had done when they first met.

The sun was shining high in the sky and Ashton’s hazel eyes were bright as Luke pressed a kiss to his cheek when they reached their destination: the top of the hill where they could see the Hollywood sign in all its glory.

Maya cooed and Sophie took a photograph on the Polaroid camera she’d got for her birthday, and Luke’s golden hair was soft on his forehead when he smiled over at his husband, the skin around his beautiful ocean-blue eyes crinkling like the laughter lines on his face.

Ashton kissed Luke softly and their foreheads fell to rest together after a few moments, although they were still holding hands just as tightly.

Ashton turned their hands gently, so that he could see the inside of his wrist.

The scars on his skin were fading in the sunlight.

"I love you, Lukey," Ashton said.

“I love you too, Ashy,” Luke breathed, his lips cool on Ashton’s cheek. Sophie’s arms wrapped shyly around Luke’s waist and Maya plastered herself to Ashton’s thigh, clinging to it because she couldn’t reach anywhere else.

Luke’s soft laughter sounded like music to Ashton's ears, and when Sophie let out a soft chuckle and Maya gave a gleeful giggle, the older man’s smile felt like it going to split his face in two.

Ashton never wanted this to stop and the best part of it was that it never _did_.

Everything was finally good.

 

**_FIN_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading Maelstrom!  
> Writing this fic has been one hell of an adventure for me and I'm so grateful you all came along for the ride - I don't know what I'm going to do without this fic in my life now! It's been a part of it for six months and I feel kind of like it's my child or something?  
> Anyway, I'm rambling and that's not a good idea because then I'll just get all emotional and start crying or something.  
> Whatever.  
> Basically just... I can never thank you guys enough for trusting me and sticking around. When I told you that it meant the world every single time you commented and left kudos, I really meant it - it _still_ means the world I promise.  
>  I can't even tell you how grateful I am for all of your amazing feedback - I literally cannot put into words how much I enjoyed writing this and hearing what you thought (although I'm trying judging by this ramble.)  
> Okay, I think I'm done now but to summarise: **Wow! THANK YOU! I love you all so much.**  
>  I really hope you think I did the characters/fic justice <3  
> (Also I just worked it out and it took me 159 days to write this fic!)  
> Please let me know what you thought - just one more time, yeah? :)

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought! :)  
> Thank you for reading - it means the world! <3
> 
> P.S. Here's a link for my weheartit page: http://m.weheartit.com/merlypops  
> One of the collections on there is called "Maelstrom" and it's full of pictures that have inspired this fic so, y'know, there might be some spoilers in there somewhere.


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